Epiphany

"...Epiphany isn't just a name that Black people give their daughters. It's a realization, and I just had one!"
-American Dad


I remember the exact moment I realized Beyonce was going to fuck you bitches' lives up.

It was a rainy Saturday afternoon — almost 9 years ago — and I was in the 11th grade. I was sitting in the car in the K-Mart parking lot waiting for my mother to finish buying her "personals" for that time of the month. I was reading Beyonce's 2002 VIBE cover story about her upcoming solo career. She was talking about her soon-to-be-released solo debut, her musical inspirations, and her nervousness/excitement about this new chapter in her life. As I read it, I had the oddest feeling. I felt that Beyonce's stars were about to align in a wonderful way and I found myself unexpectedly excited about what she had planned.

8 months later, the week Dangerously In Love was to be released, I was away at summer camp with no TV. All I had was a clock radio and a very slow internet connection. This was a pre-YouTube world, so I told my brother to record all of Beyonce's appearances and performances and I would watch them when I got home. (He recorded 30 seconds of the "Crazy In Love" video, 2 hours of WWE wrestling, and told me to deal.) The day Dangerously in Love was released was also the day of the BET Awards and, as luck would have it, I found an empty recreation room with a cable TV. I turned to BET and sat through an hour of high quality Black entertainment before they announced Beyonce. I vividly remember Mo'Nique introducing her as "one of the best female entertainers". I felt that was a bit presumptuous, considering she had been a successful solo star for all of a month, but I felt that she was about to live up the hype. So the horns to "Crazy in Love" start and for the next four minutes, Beyonce pulled down her bloomers and shitted from one end of the BET Awards stage to the other. When the performance was over, and I didn't clap, I didn't scream. I simply did what I would do after every Beyonce performance for the next 8 years. I got up, turned the TV off, and walked away shaking my head saying "This bitch..."

About 3 weeks into camp our parents sent us care packages and money for laundry and snacks. The YT kids used their money to buy the Harry Potter book. The Black kids bought Dangerously In Love. That summer set the tone for Beyonce, the force of nature. From reading Beyonce's VIBE interview she seemed to understand the difference between being popular and being important. Popularity sometimes leads to importance, but popularity has an expiration date. It's one thing to sell albums, singles, and ring tones, but it's another thing to create a moment around yourself and stretch it out for 9 years. To create words, music, and images that become ingrained in the minds of the general public. To have people literally terrified of your very existence. That's what she was doing, and that's what she would continue to do. Truth be known, there was a gigantic void in the industry for someone like Beyonce. As I looked at music from the year I was born up until that point (1986 to DIL) Beyonce was what was missing. We had a lot of Black female vocalists, we had a Black female dancer, and quite a few Black female personalities, but we had no Black female entertainers. There was no female Prince, or Generation Y Tina Turner. There was no unhinged, un-pre-recorded, gutbucket, go-for-broke entertainer who could give a high energy physical show without shortchanging you on live vocals and musicianship. It was very obvious that Beyonce wanted to be an old-school entertainer yet at the same time she wanted to revolutionize Black female pop in the 21st century. She didn't want to be stuffed into the R&B box just because of her roots and her skin color. It was obvious she wanted to be an all-encompassing entertainer, a stadium-headlining worldwide musical force, and a pop cultural icon. I knew she would achieve her goal, and I knew that she would be severely punished for it.

Beyonce had 3 strikes against her. She was Black, she was a female, and she actually had talent. Perhaps if she were merely a Black pretty female that couldn't sing she would have attracted a stable of underdog-rooting/personality worshiping stans, and people wouldn't have picked on her so much. But she was who she was, and she would have to deal with the consequences. The sad truth was I remember hearing about a Beyonce-hate website long before I heard about a Beyonce fan website, and the hate was only going to get worse. All races reflect their insecurities onto their celebrity idols but Black people are the only race of people that are both self-hating and self-reflexive. We are raised with a distorted sense of what it means to be "Black", "real", and a "woman" so Black pop female icons for the past 50 years have had to live up to what some people believe a "Real Black Woman" is. Because of this, there is an unspoken threshold which dictates just how a Black female artist is supposed to express her music and her sexuality. There is an unspoken line drawn which limits how far a Black female artist is supposed to go — artistically and commercially. If you cross that line you're a sell-out, a slut, or, most recently, a Satanist. We booed Whitney for being "too pop" and we've been dragging Diana for over 40 years. The irony in our hatred lies in the fact that we criticized Whitney for singing "too white" yet praised some of her peers who didn't sing at all. We say we didn't like Diana because she was a bitch, but Aretha's diva antics were just as well-documented. Our disdain for our own icons has less to do with talent or attitude, but personality and ubiquity. It had nothing to do with how well they sung or how bitchy they were when clearly we were willing to overlook vocal deficiencies and bitchiness in other singers. The problem, quite frankly, was we just didn't like them. They were beautiful, talented, polished and perfected overachievers who had the audacity to step outside how Black female artists were supposed to look, sound, and promote themselves. They had the nerve to challenge notions about how far Blacks could go in music, film, and other facets of entertainment. They showed that Blacks can be just as commercially viable (if not more so) than their White counterparts. Their success elevated Black entertainment, yet the root of the hate directed at them originated in the Black community. Because of this, I knew Miss Knowles had her work cut out for her.

A Beyonce-sponsored slayfest was about to start and history told me that the basic bitches wouldn't be able to deal. I figured that Beyonce needed a strong internet fanbase to combat the strong internet haterbase. She needed fans who truly understood who she was as an artist and entertainer. She needed stans who understood the passion and the history behind what it was she was about to do. She needed fans who knew that she was more than just a number (Hey! Hey! Hey!). She needed stans who understood that her career was not going to be a game of checkers. In order to become legendary, every move you make has to serve a larger purpose; so Beyonce would need a group of fans who were open-minded enough to see the bigger picture. Even if they didn't understand a decision that she made, Beyonce's fans would have faith that anything that she decided to do would be for the integrity and longevity of her career. I set about looking for a group of like-minded Beyonce fans who would help spread the good word of Beysus. I assumed that because Beyonce was going to be better than the majority of her peers, then it stood to reason that Beyonce fans would be better than other fans. I assumed that Beyonce stans would be as sharply gifted as the woman they stanned for. I couldn't wait to interact with Beyonce stans. It's like when you see a good movie or read good book, you can't wait to discuss it with other people. I had that same kind of excitement. Yes, Beyonce stans were going to be intelligent, level-headed, objective, patient, logical, and most of all unconditionally supportive of their idol, and we would all live happily ever after.















What I know today, that I didn't know 8 years ago is that there's a difference between a fan and an internet stan. Occasionally the two ideas overlap, but they can also conflict. I'm not saying that all Beyonce stans are bipolar, bandwagon-jumping chimps. I have met a lot of 2 really cool Beyonce fans in my lifetime. They were a very polite lesbian couple with brush cuts and homemade "B'Day" t-shirts. They sat one row ahead of me at the "I Am...Sausage Face" concert 2 years ago. They weren't members of any Beyonce fan clubs or websites, but they did wait outside the venue box office for 3 hours to buy front-row tickets. Full-time jobs and healthy sex lives kept them from spending 12 hours a day obsessing over every wig strand, eyelash, chart placement, and vein in Jay-Z's dick; but they were fans who supported Beyonce for her work and expected nothing more than good music and good entertainment. What I learned from the lesbians is the difference between fan and internet stan. Being a fan is an exercise in unconditional support. Being an internet stan is an exercise in vanity and e-validation. Fans are looking for music and updates; internet stans are looking for a ki and a retweet. You can be a popular internet stan and never legally buy any of your "favorite" artist's music. You can be a devoted fan and never register on a fan message board. For as long as I can remember it's always some attention-hungry superstan, with some lessor bitch's clit on his breath (claiming to be "here for Beyonce, and only Beyonce") who has the most to say. Meanwhile, devoted and rational fans like my lesbian pals remain quiet. To put it sharply, I learned very early that message boards would not be a testament to which fan is realer, but rather which fan is louder. Those intelligent discussions I thought I would be having rarely came to fruition. It was not about a fair exchange of rational opinions and factual information. It was a talking over each other and spilling second-hand tea which really wasn't tea, but random tidbits of information acquired from being a Twitter groupie. And then there the mood swings. I knew Beyonce had people who wanted her to fail, I just didn't know that they included some of her fans.

Examples:

The I Am... Sasha Fierce Era

Incident: Beyonce decides that's it's more important to make history than make the top of the Hot 100.

The Stans Said: She really shouldn't go on tour so soon. She needs more time to rehearse and she needs a bigger set. The stage is cheap. She needs more special effects, a waterfall, and a stage in the shape of the Dereon symbol with glitter all over it. She needs to promote all 9 of her singles on the Today Show, The Tonight Show, Conan, Leno, Ellen, Oprah, Arsenio, Montell, Ricki Lake, The View, Good Morning America, Good Afternoon Compton, etc.

She should've waited until about 2017 to tour.

The fans on the Britney Spears board are saying this era is a flop.

She needs to get on Twitter so I can tell her what a bad idea this is, and so I can also ask her what kind of lube she and Jay uses.

If she gets on Twitter I can plan her promotional schedule for her and all of her songs will go #1.

All of these singles could have gone #1 if she had properly promoted them.

The Truth: All of the singles didn't get as much individual attention as they could have gotten, but the album remained on the charts for over a year. More importantly, Beyonce performed TWICE at during the Inauguration festivities of our first Colored president, and the I Am...Tour made her only the 3rd African American (aside from Michael Jackson and Tina Turner) to have a tour gross more than $100 million.

So Then The Stans Said: OMG! SHE'S SO LEGENDARY! SHE'S AN ICON! SHE'S A LEGEND! SHE'S A QUEEN! SHE'S EPIC! SHE'S A EPIC LEGENDARY ICONIC QUEEN! I LOVE HER SO MUCH! SHE'S #1!


2009 VMAs

Incident: Kanye West jumps on stage and tells the God's honest truth.

The Stans Said: Wow, I hope they don't boo her and kick her out of the awards show, leading to an industry-wide backlash which ruins her career, and forces her to turn to heroin and rock cocaine.

The fans on the Christina Aguilera board are saying she's going to flop.

This is a mess.

I hope there is no backlash against her.

She shouldn't have gone to to the awards show at all.

MTV is so shady.

She really needs to get on Twitter to tell her side of the story.

The Truth: The press stated that Beyonce delivered another tour-de-force performance, won the night's biggest award, and, most of all, showed everyone what a humble class-act she is.

So Then The Stans Said: OMG! SHE'S SO LEGENDARY! SHE'S AN ICON! SHE'S A LEGEND! SHE'S A QUEEN! SHE'S EPIC! SHE'S A EPIC LEGENDARY ICONIC QUEEN! I LOVE HER SO MUCH! SHE'S #1!


Beyonce Becomes The First Female to Close Glastonbury

Incident: Beyonce decides that instead of flying to the BET Awards to do the Cat Daddy with Chris Brown, she will instead go to England to redefine herself as a live performer.

The Stans Said:

What the fuck is a Glastonbury?

Doesn't this conflict with the BET Awards?

She should cancel, risk a lawsuit, and go perform on BET.

She needs to promote here in the United States.

Selena Gomez is going to snatch her Bump-It!

She needs to get on Twitter so I can tell her what a stupid idea this is.

If she doesn't get on Twitter, I'm not going to support her anymore. I'm only going to buy 10 copies of the album instead of the 20 that I usually do.

The fans on the Mandy Moore board are saying she's going to flop.

I hope the crowd isn't mean to her.

I'm so worried for her.

I hope they don't boo her and throw mud at her, forcing her to fall flat on her face and have a severe nervous breakdown. I love her too much to even think about something like that.

The truth: All of Glastonbury was caught up in the rapture of Beysus and 170,000 screaming fans were all trying to touch the hem of her garment. Her performance received rave reviews, and, as a direct result of Glastonbury, "4" debuted at #1 on the UK album charts.

So Then The Stans Said: OMG! SHE'S SO LEGENDARY! SHE'S AN ICON! SHE'S A LEGEND! SHE'S A QUEEN! SHE'S EPIC! SHE'S A EPIC LEGENDARY ICONIC QUEEN! I LOVE HER SO MUCH! SHE'S #1!

For 8 years I read all of this in confusion. I had never seen such sharp shifts in mood and opinion on any subject. I wondered to myself, if you love someone the way you claim to love Beyonce, why do you always go to the most tragic and horrific possible outcome, especially when history tells you that everything is going to work out just fine. It was almost as though some of Beyonce's biggest stans wanted her to fail. It was becoming obvious that Beyonce may not have had the smartest stans, but she certainly had the most ambivalent stans. I tried to figure out why, then I remembered how she acquired her stans in the first place.

The problem with Beyonce's internet stan base was that in the beginning of her solo career, Beyonce's internet stanbase was not uniquely hers. Most of the people who stanned for Destiny's Child became Beyonce fans by default. (The underachievers and dark-skinned stepchildren stanned for the others.) When Aaliyah died it seemed that Beyonce got custody of half of her fan base. The other half went to live with Ashantakeriarandy. Then there are the part time Beyonce stans. The Rihanna/Beyonce stans. The Britney/Beyonce stans. The Justin/Beyonce stans/ The Janet/Beyonce stans. The Bell Biv Devoe/Beyonce Stans. The Who The Fuck Cares/Beyonce stans. These people don't stan for Beyonce as an artist as much as they stan for the position that she occupies; and when you stan for an artist's status, as opposed to the the artist themselves, part of you wants her to succeed because you want her to continue to occupy her position. You want to continue to experience the feeling of stanning for an artist who isn't flopping or dead. But then there's always a part of you who wants her to fail, because it could possibly allow your TRUE favorite to slide into her spot. That is why no song, video, outfit, or wig will ever be enough to please them because they approach everything she does with a love/hate mentality. So very early, Beyonce attracted people who didn't see her as a unique individual, but merely something to do with their time and their stan emotions. That's not to say that all Beyonce's internet stans are faux fans; and that's certainly not to say that there aren't Beyonce fans who love her first and foremost. What I have learned (particularly over last 2 months) is that when you don't have a hidden agenda or an ulterior motive, you are less likely to raise your font and make a spectacle of yourself; and you are even less likely to continue to repeat the same thing over and over again. It's like that old stereotype. When bad shit happens on the news it's always the person with the least amount of sense and least amount of teeth with the most amount of words, and anyone who could possible speak about the events in a logical and level-headed way wouldn't be caught anywhere near the drama. So more often than not, the ACTUAL Beyonce stans (with nothing to prove) simply kept their mouths closed and watched the monkeys be monkeys. It was becoming obvious that Beyonce's internet stans were not the "big picture" type of crowd. So I was caught in an awkward position. I wanted the latest updates, news, and video caps, but I didn't want to deal with people who seemed utterly confused about their feelings towards Beyonce. Nonetheless, I continued to give Beyonce's internet stans the benefit of the doubt, because no matter how contradictory and ungrateful they acted, I knew that Beyonce would always make it better.

And then this happened.

I did not like Run The World .... at all.

I did not like the Low-Quality leak.

I did not like the Mid-Quality tagged version.

I did not like the version I bought off iTunes.

I did not like it here or there.

I did not like it anywhere.

I did not like it in a house.

I did not like it with a mouse.

I did not like it in a box.

I did not like it with a fox.

When I first heard I was like this:



A week later it had grown on me a bit, so I was like this:



But after that hooker SHAT all over the Billboard awards and Oprah's Grand Finale, everytime I heard RTW I was like this:



I still understood why people didn't like it. I realized that if a lesser known artist had released it would have been the shit, and then the pretentious queens would have quickly snapped it up and uploaded it on their Tumblr audio players. Quite frankly, the song wasn't what people were expecting from Beyonce. And then there was the matter of her lyrics. I guess Beyonce forgot that girls didn't want to run the world when they can barely pay their mobile phone bills. Songs about being fucked into a state of paralysis were fine, but girls wanted no part of a song that said they could actually achieve some type of upward mobility. What Beyonce forgot was that girls don't want to be empowered by their own merit and effort. Girls only want empowerment when bad things happen to them. If they lose a job, if someone even more basic than they are hates on them, or if their boyfriends repeatedly punch them in the side of the face. Which is why the next official single "Best I Never Had" was much easier for the general public to swallow. Girls love it when Beyonce sings shit they should already know. Girls don't want to go to the club to hear that they can run the world. Girls go to the club to meet the kind of stupid-ass men that would lead them to do the type of stupid-ass shit that would warrant a song like "Best I Never Had". So, unsurprisingly, BTINH was much better received than RTW, but it was slow to rise. And Beyonce's internet stans were getting antsy.

After a year of Beyonce on vacation, I forgot that Beyonce stans were not only record executives ("This single will SMASH the alt-adult-urban-electro charts in Denmark"), they were also psychics ("This will be pushed back"), psychologists ("Beyonce thinks she's icon and doesn't have to promote") , and employees at the Census Bureau ("NOBODY in my city knows the album is coming out."). I learned from the Sasha Fierce era that if you teach a monkey to read a Billboard Chart, that monkey thinks he's Clive Davis, so speculation from the "experts" was expected; but the unusual absence of news, interviews, and promotional appearances made the speculation more rampant, and even more detached from reality. After 9 years of properly promoting her work internationally, Beyonce's devoted "stans" would lead you to believe that she was going to spend her album release date in a yacht with her hands in Jay's pants looking at the ocean. Disregarding the fact that she had performed on 3 of the highest-rated specials of the season, after a nonstarter of a first single, and a second single struggling to catch fire, it was time to be tragic again. The mood became somber, and the general idea I got from certain stans was simple: "I am only here for numbers and bragging rights and I am getting neither. Therefore this era is over me, and it is over for you." It's like going to a movie, and not liking the movie so you call of your friends and spoil the ending out of spite simply because you didn't like it. Because the chart queens and bandwagon stans had no numbers in the beginning, the era was done and over for them, and anyone who had the audacity to actually have faith that Beyonce would pull it together was labeled delusional. To me, there is a distinct line between being blindly delusional and being quietly optimistic. It seemed as though the plan was to release "Run The World" have it smash for months like "Crazy in Love" and "Single Ladies", let that smash single promote the album. But when the single leaked it was rushed to iTunes, and sent to radio. Radio sent it back and iTunes said "No" so they moved on to the next single. It seemed fairly simple to me and I wasn't going to try to concoct a complicated and convoluted reason behind RTW not working. It was a risk that didn't quite pay off. End of story. I thought it was common knowledge that the only reason we knew about European festivals and France shows ahead of time were because they were concerts that had to be announced months ahead of time in order to sell tickets. TV promo usually isn't announced until weeks or days ahead of time. Oprah was kept secret because that was the nature of the production. American Idol was kept secret because that was the nature of the production. Some festivals have exclusivity clauses which restrict the number of public/televised appearances artists can make leading up the the festival. Since the "experts" and "insiders" knew every damn thing I thought they knew this too and could possibly exercise a bit of patience; but it seems that when Run The World (Girls) flopped, it gave everybody a severe case of Selective Memory Disorder.

Making things worse, airplay and digital sales were, at best, mediocre. Even though I know now that iTunes is not the absolute final word in music relevance, I knew why digital sales were so important. Beyonce's career was about longevity and the decisions that she makes ensures that she has a career (or at least some money) 15 years from now. But stan wars are not about 15 years from now. They're not even about 15 days from now, they're about RIGHT NOW. How can I drag you RIGHT NOW? How can I make other stans jealous RIGHT NOW? No other chart encapsulates the "Right Now" mentality quite like the iTunes charts. Even though digital sales comprises about 25% of the total music sales, we were made to feel that they would make or break this era. Instead of waiting months for 1st week album sales, or concert ticket sales, digital sales have become important; not because they have any significance to the longevity of an artist (or an album), but because they are instant and constantly updated. So the digital charts can give you temporary bragging rights, but they can also give you false hope.

I'm not going to lie and say I don't care about the charts. Yes, Beyonce is a talented, iconic artist who is more important than singles, blah, blah, blah, but let's just be truthful. Real fan or fake fan, nobody wants to sit through a year of people calling a Beyonce a flop, and you don't get to Beyonce's position by flopping all over the place. No, I wasn't happy seeing "Run The World (Girls)" being outsold by Antoine Dodson, let alone by Kelly Rowland, but after 11 years of people wishing for her downfall and being wrong every single time, I wasn't quite ready to hold a funeral for an album that hadn't been released. And then there was the fact that over the past year there had been several unexpected successes (and failures) in pop music:



1st Single Hot 100 Peak: #3
Twitter Followers: 1,552,699
First Week Album Sales: 63,000 [#10]




1st Single Hot 100 Peak: #1
Twitter Followers: 8,444,284
First Week Sales: 276,000 copies [#1]




1st Single Hot 100 Peak: #3
Twitter Followers: 2,150,643
First Week Sales: 83,000 [#5]



1st Single Hot 100 Peak: #15
Twitter Followers: 3,386,875
First Week Sales: 270,000 [#1]



-No Twitter
-No nude pics
-No Nicki Minaj
-Punched ALL of you slores out of the game.

Despite the unpredictability of the music industry, back at stan headquarters, the blame game had started. Beyonce's group of devoted "stans" were not just making excuses for Beyonce, but also making excuses to distance themselves from a cold turd of an era. Beyonce's beloved stans, the same ones that drag other stans over the slightest bit of shade, were saying that she was lazy, sloppy, and unorganized — and I began to feel bad. Not because Beyonce stans were acting like chart-hungry, melodramatic, bipolar attention whores. That's a given. I was struck by the realization that Beyonce didn't need protecting from haters, it was the stans that were the enemy. All this time I thought the crab-in-barrel basic bitches would be Beyonce's biggest enemies. I hadn't realized that sometimes "stans" can be just as hurtful as haters. What's the point of trying to defend Beyonce from haters and bloggers, when her "stans" are the ones who constantly marginalize her career, her talent, and her achievements? Why am I trying to get people to see how important Beyonce's career is when her own stans are trying to reduce 8 years of slaying into 24 hours of radio airplay? It reminded me of something that happened to Dave Chappelle. After his show collapsed, and he retreated to South Africa her came back, still hurting but healing. He went on stage hoping to connect the crowd, give his side of the story, and make a heartfelt connection with them; but as he tried to talk, people in the audience shouted "Do Lil Jon!" or "I'm Rick James bitch!" For them it wasn't about the talent, hard work, or any moment which lead to that point. They weren't there to connect with an artist. They were there to see a celebrity. They could care less about his art, pain, or suffering, they just wanted sound bites and cell phone videos. Then he said something that always echoes in my head whenever I read a post from one of Beyonce's alleged stans.

" You know why my show is good? Because the network officials say you're not smart enough to get what I'm doing, and every day I fight for you. I tell them how smart you are. Turns out, I was wrong.

You people are stupid."

I would imagine that any artist trying to connect with his fanbase on a deeper level would feel demoralized to believe the people you depend on the most to speak for you and have faith for you are actually a large part of the problem. Stress from haters and entertainment executives is simply a part of being famous, but when your own fans don't have faith in you, it must be doubly hurtful. As I watched Beyonce's "stans" try to abandon an era that had barely started, I realized that's simply the price of growing as an artist. By virtue of being a pop icon, you represent different things to different people. Some people connect with the the talent and artistry, and some people are along for another type of superficial celebrity worship. At the end of the day it's not my place to dictate how people are supposed to receive Beyonce. Bandwagon money and real fan money all goes into the same account, and all of it makes Beyonce who she is. It just would have been nice to meet her halfway.

If Beyonce goes out on limb and takes the actual risk with her money and reputation, would it have been so hard to keep our mouths closed and have faith that she would pull it together? When Beyonce is successful we would go around bragging that Beyonce was so much better than the next chick because she has actual talent, takes risks, and has had an iconic career. Well the Billboard Awards, Oprah, and Glastonbury showed that as a live performer she is still untouchable. The Millennium Award showed she's an icon, and the album itself showed that she still takes musical risks. What I learned during the beginning of this era is that it's not enough. All of the arrogance and cockiness we had when arguing with other stans went out the window, right when Beyonce needed it the most. At the exact moment when she makes the most musically ambitious album of career, we bailed. Just when she takes complete control of her business affairs, we second-guess her; instead of letting her work through her learning curve as a new manager. When Beyonce walked off stage at Glasonbury she said "I will always give you 100%". For some of her fans, the transaction is not quite as equal. We give her 15% up front, an additional 5% per hit single, 10% extra for a #1 album, 5% per Grammy, and the rest goes to Rihanna/Kelly/Britney/Gaga/Whoever. Considering all that she has done and all the she gives us, would it have been too much to ask to just shut the fuck up and see how things turned out as opposed to trying to predict her downfall?

So now, with a number one album, respectable first week sales, some of the best reviews of her career, and a career-redefining performance at Glastonbury, the Beyonce bandwagon is full again. So many paragraphs later, this era is going like every other era. Beyonce's stans bitch, moan, and complain while the general public and press does all of the heavy lifting and damage control. They try to sneak off the bandwagon when things look bleak, and sneak back on the bandwagon and take credit when things come together.

This is where I get off the bandwagon.

I turned 25 this year. That means when Beyonce is done with the singles, the re-release, the re-re-release, the tour, the video anthology, the live album, and the live DVD I will be 53 years old; I feel that's too old to be arguing with people who weren't even born when Dangerously In Love was released. It's too old to try to impart common sense in people whose frame of reference goes no further than this week's singles chart, and it's too old to see Beyonce through the eyes of people who don't even like her in the first place. I want to learn to enjoy music again without the commentary. Without the pseudo-experts and insiders telling you everything they think they know. Nowadays every queen that works at Express thinks he's Anna Wintour, every queen that can read a radio chart thinks he's L.A. Reid, and every queen with Wordpress thinks he's a journalist. I'm learning that not everything has to be dissected. Somethings should just... be. If you don't like it, leave it and move to something else. I think our desire to constantly interject ourselves into the celebrity experience keeps us from truly enjoying the celebrity experience, and I simply want to enjoy music again. After I go around and call a few people some bitch-made bitches, this will be my first blog-less era since B'Day and my first message board-less era since...well, ever. I have a feeling she's going to slow down after this and I want to enjoy at least one era for myself with as little shade as possible.

I'm only doing this as a courtesy to the people who still stop by this blog looking for an update. The end of this blog really shouldn't be devastating news. I have made about 2 posts a year since 2007, so please try to find a way to cope. Please note that just because the Beyonceitis blog is gone, doesn't mean Beyonceitis is gone. Beyonceitis is still very real, and as we have learned it is still deadly. 2003 to 2010 was about scalping hoes. 2011 and beyond is about skinning bitches. You've pissed her off, she's feeling her puss, and now she's coming for blood.

I will continue to write, in some capacity or another. Please support me if you can find me.

Thank you to anybody whoever read any of my shit over the last 4 years. I really appreciate it. As pretentious as some of us can be, all we really want is a check and/or some attention, so thank you for paying me attention.

I leave you with fond memories and shady GIFS.







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The Educated Basic Bitch

I wasn’t going to devote a whole post to the Blackface/skin-bleaching/African roots/Bamboozled/Jiggaboo/Wannabe controversy. I was just going to briefly touch on it during my farewell post. But if everyone else is going to give a mundane and uninformed opinion I might as well give mine.

(sigh)

Since the beginning of time, Beyonce has had 2 mortal Internet enemies:

1. Stans of minimum-wage R&B chicks

2. Educated Basic Bitches

Educated basic bitches are different from the Lil’ Duvall/Urban Dictionary/4 kids+6 baby fathers/only goes to the library to update her Facebook page-type basic bitch. This isn’t for them because they can’t read any damn way. There is another type of basic bitch in our midst. The educated basic bitch. (Yes, you can be educated and still be a basic bitch.)

You may have some educated basic bitches in your family. You may be friends with an educated basic bitch, or perhaps you're one yourself. Either way, I think it’s time they got some shine.

So you read The Bluest Eye in college.

Fabulous.

You have a degree.

Wonderful.

You let your hair go natural.

Beautiful.

You bought all of Erykah Badu's CDs, and understood some them.

Congratulations.

That's the black and white.

What most educated basic bitches fail to grasp is the gray areas in between. You can possess all of the book sense in the world, but if you lack the exposure and life experience to turn it into something useful then you are going through life being perpetually indignant, while aping other people's opinions and outrages, and not forming any unique thoughts of your own.

None of this Beyonce shit is new. There was controversy about her skin in 2008.

And 2005.

And 2003.

We have a problem with her natural skin tone, we have a problem when she tans, we have a problem when she gets chemical peels, and we have a problem when she paints her face.

When will these conversations stop?

Brown skin is not offensive by itself. Black Face and minstrel shows were not offensive simply because performers darkened their skin.

Had Beyonce been painted brown while eating a banana and scratching herself, I think I may have been offended.

If Beyonce had been painted brown while talking like John Coffey, I think I may have been offended.

If Beyonce had been painted brown while eating a chicken-fried watermelon and tap-dancing, perhaps I might have mustered up the energy to give a quarter of a fuck.

The photos of her in brown skin represented a small part of larger pictorial.
She was modeling. Fela Kuti was not the biggest fan of the Europeanization of African women so perhaps that was the homage. I don’t know. What I do know is that she was not depicting Blacks in an outwardly buffonish way. That was the true intent of Black face and minstrel shows. Not to reduce Blacks to a skin tone, but to reduce them to subhuman caricatures.

I’m not saying the pictures shouldn’t offend you, but if the complaints weren’t coming from the same people who have been bashing Beyonce for the past 8 years, I may have taken them a little more seriously. And if the majority of the women complaining did not look like they were understudying the role of Celie in the touring company of The Color Purple, I may have taken their outbursts as actual indignation and not as personal resentment against light-skinned chicks, particularly Beyonce.

My biggest problem with this controversy is not the Beyonce shade, but what it says about our capacity and tolerance as consumers of Black art.

I used to get angry watching some Black TV shows. Not because they were offensive, but because they were bad. I would wonder why the production values were not on par with White shows. I wondered why the writing was not as creative and funny, but watching educated basic bitches get in a tizzy over what was essentially an America’s Top Model challenge, I now understand why we are so far behind.

Our quest to be righteous, moral, upstanding, politically correct Black folks is often at the expense of artistic expression. I remember having a debate with an associate of mine (another educated basic bitch) about Mo’Nique winning an Oscar for “Precious”. She wondered aloud using the same tired argument. “Why do Black people only get rewarded for being offensive?”. In actuality, Kim Basinger won an Oscar for playing a prostitute,Catherine Zeta-Jones won an Oscar for playing a murderer, and I recall no angry White uprising. But in order for my associate to know that, it would require her to be exposed to something other than the opinions of the renowned “Negrologists” she read in college. It seems that as consumers, we are artistically digressing because our reception of art is limited by everything we have not been exposed to.

As I get older, and as I have experienced racist attitudes firsthand I’m learning that “offensive” is not always about image and iconography, it is also attitudes and actions. We want people to take our opinions seriously but most of our anger is based on superficial interpretations of what it means to be “Black”, “real”, or “offensive”.

I understand that as Black people, portrayals of positive images have an added importance, but if everything we do is reduced to “offensive” and “non-offensive” it leaves no room for creativity. Some of the meatiest roles for Black actors in the past 20 years have been playing not-so-nice people. Some of the best albums of the past 20 years have featured not-so-nice language. But if we continue to let under-exposed and misinformed educated basic bitches be our mouthpieces, then we can‘t be mad at 2-dimensional characters, weak plots, and unfunny jokes because our faux indignation tells the powers that be that we are not an open-minded and creative group of people; we instead are a bunch of people looking for their next moral outrage.

I’m not trying to tell people when they should and should not be offended. I just want people to have a mind of their own. Once we start thinking as informed and cultured individuals and not as a glib and self-righteous collective I feel that we may see a change in how we’re represented in the media. And maybe, just maybe, we can stop having the same conversations we’ve been having for the last 100+ years.

So the next time somebody better looking and richer than you does something that annoys you (and they will do something to annoy you) Ask yourself a simple question:

Are you genuinely offended or are you just talking to hear yourself talk because you feel you’re supposed to be offended?


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Off-Topic: Tonight @ 10PM on TVONE



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This Blog Will Self-Destruct Soon...

But before it does, please do me one favor:



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Life After...



This month marks the 3rd anniversary of Beyonceitis. A few things have changed but for the most part things are the same. Christina Aguilera is still trying to write checks on an account that was closed 8 years ago. That "Rihanna Reign" still has not made its way to the top of the Billboard Albums Charts nor to Ticketmaster. LeToya, Michelle and Kelly still have to rotate shifts at Ruby Tuesdays to record their albums And Beyonce still continues to make all of you chicks look like lazy, rhythm-less, tone-deaf, untalented men.

Last weekend a 37-second music video clip for the song "Why Don't You Love Me" leaked. WDYLM is a bonus track Beyonce recorded in the quick-change booth during the Beyonce Experience in between "Green Light" and "Baby Boy". The video was shot on Jay's iPhone. The song was a bonus track which somehow made it to #1 on the Dance Charts a year after "I Am...Sasha Fierce" was released. When the full video was released earlier this week all hell broke loose. The press gave it glowing reviews and it showed that even Beyonce's throw-aways are more successful than shit you've been working on for 5 years.

The video came as a surprise because Beyonce was supposed to take most of 2010 off. Which meant that a string of "relevancy-challenged" chicks had planned to release their albums. Their stans were all excited and then out of nowhere Beyonce diverts all the attention back on her. There was (yet again) some criticism that Beyonce should let certain "relevancy-challenged" artists get their chance to shine.

Some stans seem to think the music industry should be a soup kitchen that rations out Grammys, #1 albums, and hit songs, evenly and equally. Everyone should stand in line quietly and politely and have their chance to eat. In the line are a bunch girls less famous and relevant than Beyonce and just as they get to the front of the line Beyonce cuts ahead of them like some big greedy bitch and eats everything up. A lot of you seem to think that getting Beyonce to sit down is the ticket to the front of the line.

If only it were that simple.

As the devastation of Beyonceitis gets worse I am making it my personal mission to assist basic music industry bitches with their transition to irrelevancy. I am currently writing a book entitled "So Beyonce Snatched Your Wig: Coping With Life As A Basic Bitch".

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In the book I will outline ways to make your transition to VH1's Sunday night lineup as easy as possible. You can begin a fulfilling life on the Z-list with these 5 steps:

1. Know Your Place

The first step in accepting life as a basic bitch is facing one ugly truth: You. Ain't. No. Diva!

What is a diva?

Let's say you release an album and it's a hit. And you release singles from that album which are also hits. And you win a lot of awards for that album. And you go on a successful tour to promote that album. You've just had a great moment. What a diva does is takes that great moment and does it over and over with more than one album. Most of you couldn't sustain for 2 years. When Mariah Carey fell off and came back she had a career to comeback to. Most of you are trying to plot comebacks when you really didn't do shit the first time around.

The main part of accepting your life as a basic bitch is understanding that not every artist was designed to be an diva. Not all careers lead to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, or even a BET Lifetime achievement award. A lot of you chicks WILL be on Dancing with the Stars next year so you might as well start stretching right now. This isn't a spiteful Beyonce stan talking. This is history. For every Whitney Houston there was a Miki Howard. For every Madonna there was Paula Abdul. For every Janet Jackson there was a Jody Watley, For every icon who managed to managed to carve a place in music history there are dozens who faded away.

Which is not to say that every artist that doesn't become an icon is basic. Some have legitimate excuses. Some artists had extraordinary talent but were genuinely under-promoted, mismanaged, blacklisted, or just didn't get the same quality material as their more famous counterparts.

This does NOT apply to you basic bitches.

If you work with Justin Timberlake, Lil' Wayne, the Neptunes, AND your publicists send your photos to every blog in the world, your record label creates a faux relationship with someone hotter than you, and you STILL flop that's more of a reflection on YOU as a opposed to the music industry's mistreatment of you.

2. It's Not ALL Beyonce's Fault

"Why Don't You Love Me" is NOT the reason your album will fail. The Illuminati is not the reason why radio rejected all 4 of your "buzz singles". It COULD be your less than engaging stage presence, your horrific live vocals, your $17 styling budget, the questionable taste in lacefronts, the fact that your album is full of songs rejected by 5 artists who are more famous than you. The bottom line is before your stans fix their fingers to font about Beyonce or record 10 minute YouTube videos about Beyonce needing to sit down there are issues directly related to you and your wackness that need to be addressed.

If you are hot as your stans build you up to be you should be able to shine regardless of who is or is not out at the time. Gaga is shining WITH Beyonce out. Alicia shined from 2002-2008 with Beyonce out, Britney has been in a coma since 2004 and she still had a top selling tour with Beyonce out. There COULD be a piece of success for everybody...depending on how you define success. That piece might not be as big as Beyonce's piece but you should not think that it will be handed to you just because it's your turn.

Of course not everybody WANTS to be Beyonce. A lot of artists probably love the freedom that comes with being slightly unknown and off the radar, but those are not the people crying for Beyonce to take a break so they can "shine". It's always stans of basic bitches who whine the loudest Beyonce stealing all the shine. True "shine" is being secure enough in your talent and being confident that your work will speak for itself and by itself NOT as it compares to other people, particularly people who are far more culturally relevant than you are.

3. There's Nothing Wrong With Being Basic

People have tried to downplay the importance of R&B/urban music but the arguments sound hypocritical when you look back over the past few decades.

When Madonna was establishing her sound 75 years ago where did she turn? Black music.

When Madonna was trying to freshen her sound in the middle of her career where did she go? Black music.

When Madonna was trying to re-re-re-refreshen her sound in her golden years where did she go. Black music.

When Britney and Justin Timberlake were trying to move into more "mature music" where did they go? Black music.

The point is fans of pop (White) superstars try to degrade urban music and urban music artists as "ghetto" (which is a place not an adjective) but when their favorites were about to fall off it was Black music producers that kept them relevant. R&B/Urban music has set the tone for pop music as a whole for the past 3 decades, so if you're a basic chick and after years of recording, performing and flopping all you have to show for is a Soul Train Award and a #2 video on 106 and Park, damnit that's still something to be proud of.

4. Beyonce Stans Don't Hate You...

Hate implies jealousy. Jealousy implies fear and Beyonce stans aren't afraid of you. They are making fun of you.

There's a difference between "hating" and "kicking someone while they're down." You would have to currently be doing something of importance to be hated on. Sometimes people just like to magnify your misfortune and stans of irrelevant artists make it worst by talking shit all over the internet with NOTHING to back it up aside from their delusions.

The key to arguing with Beyonce stans is realizing that you CAN'T argue with Beyonce stans. Beyonce stans have time-stamped receipts, DVD-quality footage, witnesses, DNA samples, and co-signers so you can't beat them in an argument. Why would you even want to anger the stans of the most important female artist of this generation? Just look at it mathematically. Pissing off Beyonce stans means pissing off millions of people around the world. Pissing off Ciara stans means pissing off 3 people...all living in the same neighborhood, and 2 of them live in the same house. Fighting with Beyonce stans is an unwinnable war.

5. ...But Somebody Loves You

Some people feel that stars should look and perform as stars. They should be mysterious, and set far apart from regular people. These are not stans of basic bitches. Stans of basic bitches like artists that are relatable and down-to-earth, because stanning for a basic-ass chick makes your own goals seem more realistic. Whereas Beyonce and other divas seemed glossed to a point of unattainable perfection, basic bitches make celebrity and stardom seem attainable. Their flaws make them more attractive to some people:

"She's not the best singer, and neither am I...hmmm maybe I can get a record contract too."

"She's not the best singer and she sold a lot of records...maybe I can sell a lot of records too."


So no matter how bad things get you will ALWAYS have a fanbase. As long as there are HBCU dorm rooms and $5 Drink Night at clubs in bad neighborhoods there will always be a place for basic bitch music. Some people like simple, uncomplicated music. No concepts, no alter-egos, no experimentation. Just some club bangers, some mid-tempos, some ballads...and thank Jesus in the CD booklet. You may not have MILLIONS of fans but somebody somewhere will buy download your stuff and in a few years your "flop-ass album" will be considered an "underrated classic" (See: Afrodisiac).

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In conclusion, this year as Beyonce takes her break and your careers STILL slowly fall off I want you to step boldly from your life of semi-stardom into your new life of bingo casinos, reality TV, gay pride festivals, Tyler Perry plays, and Tom Joyner cruises.

Be proud of all of that you have accomplished and don't dwell on what you have not accomplished. A lot of very talented people never even got platinum records, some never even went gold. Many more talented people will never get record contracts.

So what if you'll never be Beyonce?

So what if you had a concert at a 20,000 seat arena and only 2 niggas showed up?

So what if you will never see what 16 Grammys looks like unless you get a job cleaning Beyonce's house?

So what your movie wasn't even a hit on the Bootleg Charts?



So what if no one asks for your autograph at the airport?

So what if you work at the airport?

So what if your song wasn't a hit on the Hot 100 in America? A Top 20 song on the Zimbabwe Airplay charts is still considered a worldwide hit.

Define your career as it is, not as it could be or as it used to be. This year as Beyonce takes her break I want you to flat iron your lacefronts, hitch up your titties, put on your knee pads and start sucking for those future flop-ass tracks of yours. And release your albums 8 months after the original release date. And when those first week numbers come in I want you to flop with your heads held high.

This is life as a basic bitch. Accept it and move on. Your career is a failure but you are NOT a failure as a human being.


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Backstage @ the Grammys

Last night I had the distinct pleasure of getting a press pass backstage at the Grammys. I got the opportunity to speak with a lot of the biggest artists of the past year. Today I am posting excerpts from my interviews but I would first like to thank Miss Tina Knowles for inviting me to the Grammys and for styling me this year. I was wearing a zebra-print leather choker by Miss Tina. The Black Spanx Chris Brown wore on the cover on Graffiti. A red vinyl cummerbund, and plaid bow-tie, and And a She By Sheree Cheetah Print Men's Blouse with Purple Rain ruffles.

The first artist to come by my press tent was Keri Hilson. Keri is without a doubt THE breakout R&B artist of the past 12 months. Her debut album album "A Perfect World" sold hundreds of copies around the world, and she was Soul Train and BET"s New Artist of the Year. Keri garnered attention with songs such as "Knock You Down" and "Turnin Me On" but apparently she turned Grammy voters off because she went home without nann Grammy (compared to Beyonce's record-breaking 6 Grammys making a career total of 16. Hate on it.). Me and Keri talked about her bitter and embarrassing Grammy defeat and her plans for 2010.

Beyonceitis: First of all let me just say congratulations on all your Grammy losses especially Best New Artist I bet that hurt A LOT! How does feel to be yet again upstaged and embarrassed by Beyonce?

Keri: It is just so amazing. I've had a amazing year, my career is amazing, my fans are amazing.

Beyoneceitis: Do you know what 16 Grammys look like...all together...side by side...shiny and pretty with your name on it?

Keri: No.

Beyonceitis: Nor will you ever. MTV recently asked you who you prefer between Gaga and Beyonce. You said: "Of course, Lady Gaga, any time she hits the stage I have to see it," she said. "I love her, absolutely love her. She's bringing back the whole sensory overload. You're used to seeing one-dimensional shows, but she's so [multi-]dimensional, I love it. So, I would have to say her, hands down."

My question to you Miss HIlson is what gives you the right to critique or even give public opinions about the live performances of other artists when your your styling budget is $17 and your "live show" consists of a flashlight, a CD Boom Box, and your 2 gay cousins dancing behind you.

Keri: I've had a amazing year, my career is amazing, my fans are amazing.

Beyonceitis: Did you ever think that maybe if you didn't walk around with such an arrogant sense of entitlement then perhaps you'd be more successful, considering the fact that you are mediocre in every possible way and should be trying to ingratiate yourself to as many people as possible?

Keri: I've had a amazing year, my career is amazing, my fans are amazing.

Beyonceitis: What female artists would you say are the queens of the music industry right now?

Keri: Definitely Ke$ha, Brooke Hogan, Khia, Rich Girl, Elektrik Red, Cassie, Letoya Luckett, Farrah Franklin, Kim Zolciak. Heidi Montag had an amazing album...

Beyonceitis: You know what Keri, I have a proposition for you. I have 2 boxes. In one box I have $10 Million dollars of big faced hundreds. In another box is a pot of boiling bleach. You have 2 choices. You can take the box of $10 million in cash if you say one nice thing about Beyonce or drink the entire pot of boiling bleach.

EDITOR'S NOTE: At this point Keri quickly and without hesitation drank the entire pot of boiling bleach. She was rushed to the hospital. She is expected to make a full recovery however several of her upcoming stiff and awkward performances have been cancelled.


Next to visit my tent was Ciara who had a busy night. She lost her Grammy, was not invited to present or perform, and sat all the way in the back far away from cameras, but she had a very important job as it was her duty to fold up the chairs and sweep and mop the Staples Center after the awards. I spoke with her right after she had literally dropped down low and swept the floor with it.

Beyonceitis: Hi Ciara. Congratulations on another Grammy loss. Where are your Voodoo braids tonight?

Ciara: I decided to switch it up for the Grammys. This is the most important night in my career.

Beyonceitis: Ciara you have one Grammy for popping and locking in Missy Elliot's video. Where do you keep your lonely, dusty ass Grammy?

Ciara: It fell of my coffee table and broke and is now being used as an ashtray.

Beyonceitis: What was your favorite moment of the Grammys?

Ciara: Definitely Pink's performance.

Beyonceitis: Why?

Ciara: Well, I love Pink. We have a lot in common. We're both fierce and talented performers, and we're both built like 9 year old boys.

Beyonceitis: I see. You had an amazingly horrible year in 2009. How do you plan to top it in 2010?

Ciara: Well I'm working on another pushed-back abortion of an album, and I'm reading scripts for my next straight-to-burned DVD movie. But really I couldn't fail as hard as I do without help. I have an amazing team of people around me who each play a big role in my failure. First I would like to thank my A&R people who send me incredibly weak and watered down tracks. I'd like to thank my stylist who always hooks me up. My stylist knows me so well, we have such a great relationship. I don't have to give her much direction, all I have to say is "Hey can you make me look like a damn fool?" and she sends over the most tacky and horrendous looking Rihanna-rejected outfits.

Beyonceitis: You also forgot to thank your fraudulent-ass publicists sending fake and exaggerated stories to blogs.

Ciara: What are you talking about?

Beyonceitis: Like you being Givenchy's muse? Gwarl please. There's no way in Citi Trendz hell that you are anybody's muse y'all are clearly trying to copy Beyonce's relationship with Mugler. And that bullshit about you being paid $2 million to perform anywhere in front of people.

Ciara: But that was true.

Beyonceitis: Super C-Section please. If I took all the money you ever made at every show you ever did in your life it would not equal $2 million. I hang out with Kelly Rowland and Brandy on a regular so I know how much Six Flags and the Montgomery Alabama Black Gay Pride pays and it damn sure ain't $2 million.

Ciara: I really don't need this negativity I have limos to park.


Next in the tent was Britney Spears who lost Best Dance Recording to Lady Gaga, but still showed up looking very...um... conscious and aware of where she was.

Beyonceitis: Hello Miss Spears, Congratulations on your Grammy loss and for once again having Lady Gaga snatch your wig and make you look elderly and obsolete

Britney: Thank you. It's nice to be here.

Beyonceitis: Britney despite being one the biggest selling artists of all time you have only one single, solitary, crusty, rusty ass Grammy that you've probably sold for rocks. Where do you keep your Grammy?

Britney: My Grammy was taken away from me by the courts. My father now has conservatorship over my Grammy but I am allowed to have supervised visits with it every other weekend.

Beyonceitis: What was your favorite part of the Grammy show?

Britney: Well I really had fun performing and winning tonight.

Beyonceitis: You did not perform, you lost to Gaga, and that award wasn't even televised.

Britney: Oh. I was sleep for most of the show, and I'm usually asleep during my performances so I assumed that I did something tonight.

Beyonceitis: You have had an amazing career (sales-wise) despite not having a teaspoon of discernible musical talent. What do you think has kept you around for so many years?

Britney: I think it's because I started out so young and my fans have grown up with me. I would have no career without the undying support of tone deaf queens. And they have followed me from day one. When they first jacked another boy off, "Baby One More Time" was playing in the background. When they decided to come out of the closet at their junior high school talent show they did my dance routine to "Oops I DId It Again" When they took their first dick in the club bathroom "Toxic" was playing in the background. My fans have grown and evolved with me and they relate me to important events in their lives. I'm so grateful that they continue to support me and the overproduced garbage I release.

Beyonceitis: Thank you so much Britney for your time.

Britney: Thank you and Merry Christmas.


Next in the tent was Rihanna who took home 2 more Grammys last night for her work with Beyonce's husband.


Beyonceitis: Hello Rihanna.

Rihanna: Hi.

Beyonceitis: You've had another amazing Jay-Z-sponsored evening. You took home 2 more Grammys tonight bringing your career total to 3 Grammys with Jay-Z's name on them. Do you think you will ever win a solo Grammy for anything ever in your life?

Rihanna: I doubt it. I don't have much power in the industry without Jay-Z's co-signature. And my biggest successes are usually in collaboration with other artists whether it's collaborating with Jay-Z or T.I. our touring with Chris Brown or Kanye. The highest grossing shows on my last tour were for shows I did with Chris Brown.

Beyonceitis: Where do you keep your Grammys?

Rihanna: Well Beyonce takes my Grammys, scratches my name off, and puts them beside hers and now she refers to herself as "19-time Grammy Winner Beyonce". She says I wouldn't have any Grammys without her husband, and she says if I ever try to touch them she will beat my forehead down to a normal size.

Beyonceitis: You had a memorable moment when you brought Julez up to the microphone and asked if he had anyone to thank and he said "No Thanks". I found that fitting since "No Thanks" is exactly what the general public said to "Rated R".

Rihanna: OK.

Beyonceitis: I recall speaking with you not too long ago about grabbing Jay-Z without acknowledging Beyonce. Why do you go out of your way to anger Beyonce and have her chase you down the street with a hot curling iron...again.

RIahnna: Well Jay-z is like my big brother and I can't be held responsible for the assumptions of insecure stans trying to start trouble.

Beyonceitis: Fair enough. Your latest album has been a massive disappointment all over the world and you are currently on Keri Hilson status but the press doesn't want to write about it due to sympathy over you getting double back-slapped last year. What are you plans for 2010?

RIhanna: Well I'm about to go on an under-selling world tour that's not making any money, so Super Bowl weekend I'll be doing something strange for some change in order to cover the production costs. And I'll probably re-release my album several times before we can pay for those 500,000 copies of Rated R in the trunk of Jay-Z's car.

Beyonceitis: Thank you Rihanna. Enjoy your night and your last 6 months of relevance.

Taylor Swift was next. She came in with her mom and her Grammy for Album of the Year.

Beyonceitis: Hello Taylor. Congratulations on your sympathy Grammy. Jennifer Hudson won one last year, but I think this is the first sympathy Grammy for Album of Year since Yoko Ono won after John Lennon was shot. How does it feel?

Taylor: It's amazing. It's just so surprising I can't believe it. I'd like to thank Jesus, my mom, and the Easter Bunny.

Beyonceitis: Wow. Quick question. If I entered an apple pie into a contest and you entered a peach pie into the same contest, and I won Best Pie of the Year, would it make a lot of sense for me not to also win Best Fruit Pie?

Taylor: No, it wouldn't make a lot of sense. But if I won for Best Fruit Pie it would be so amazing and surprising. I wouldn't believe it. I'd probably thank Jesus, my mom, and the Tooth Fairy.

Beyonceitis: Let's say we are both nominated at the same award show. For the sake of argument let's say The Grammys. Let's say I'm nominated for 10 awards and you are nominated for 8. Now if I win the most awards and I also have the Best Song of the Year one could reason that I had the better overall album or at the very least the most consistent year in music.

Taylor: OK.

Beyonceitis: So therefore if I have more nominations than any other artist, and I win more Grammys than any other artist, and I beat you several times, and I win a Grammy for 3 separate vocal performances, one could reason that I had the better overall album or at least a better album than yours according to the same people who gave me 10 nominations and 6 awards?

Taylor: OK.

Beyonceitis: So shouldn't you give me the Grammy I deserve before my mother puts a root on your family and a ring around your damn eye.

Taylor: Well...I don't know. I guess it t would be so amazing, and I probably wouldn't be able to believe it. I think I would thank Jesus, my mom, and Ronald McDonald.

Beyonceitis: I hate you and everything your success represents.

Taylor: Wow. That's so amazing and surprising. I can't believe it. I'd like to thank Jesus, my mom, Dora the Explorer, the Wonder Pets, and the Hamburger Helper hand.

I'll have more from my backstage interviews later this week, which means this will be my last post until July 2013.


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