Beyonce may be done with B'Day and her world tour may be winding down but don't think she's going away. No..., it'll take more than open letters, holy water, or animal tranquilizers to get her to sit down. Beyonce is expanding herself as a marketable brand starting with her American Express ad campaign which debuts on TV and the internet next week.

Dereon is now selling class rings and are about to launch a Dereon Baby line which includes baby lacefronts and wig adhesive mild enough so that it doesn't irritate a baby's sensitve skin.

But wait...there's more.

Matthew Knowles also let me know about several new products coming soon.

Here's our interview:

Beyonceitis: So I guess it wasn't enough that Beyonce had a clothing line, a deal with Samsung, L'oreal, and American Express...I guess you couldn't leave well enough alone?

Matthew: When have I ever left well enough alone? I would fuck up a wet dream if you let me...so with that I am determine to have my daughter's name in every store in every city in every country in the world.

Beyonceitis: How do you plan to do that?

Matthew: Well I had to have a conversation with myself...I said Rufus, (That's my birth name) I said Rufus, how do we get Beyonce's name out there even more? What are things that all people regardless of age, race, or economic background do...and the answers were eat, shit, have sex, and go to church. So we have introduced a line of Dereon products that cater to these basic human needs.

Beyonceitis: OK, tell us about the House of Dereon Condoms.

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Matthew: Yes this are called Freakums, the official House of Dereon condoms, which come in several sizes including regular, extra large, and 2-Liter. Plus sever flavors including strawberry, banana, and Popeye's Chicken grease.

Beyonceitis: Ok, what's next?

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Matthew: We have House of Dereon toilet paper, which has the House of Dereon logo on each sheet, and the slogan is "Wipe Your Derrierre with Dereon".

Beyonceitis: That's disgusting...what's next?

Matthew: Finally we travel a lot and go to chruch and one thing we noticed in all churches and hotels is that there is a bible in every room. So I figured everytime people read the Bible they need to think of Beyonce.

Beyonceitis: And how do you plan to do that?

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Matthew: The official House of Dereon Holy Bible.

Beyonceitis: I don't like where this is going...

Matthew: Let me read you a passage from the Dereon Bible:

"And God said unto Noah build an ark, and take two of each animal. Now take one of those zebras, skin it and make a purse. Now take one of those possums, skin it and make a pantsuit, not take one of those..."

Beyonceitis: Ok, I think that's enough.

Matthew: I'm not done.

"And God said unto Moses, "Take thy rod and smite this rock"; and MOSES smote the rock.... And God said unto MOSES, "Lift up thy rod, and cast it into the water, and Moses cast it into the water...and God said take thine legs and get thee bodied on the dancefloor and then download "Get Me Bodied" at iTunes for just 99 cents."

Beyonceitis: Ok, Matthew that's enough. I'm done.


6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have to let you know that you are so hilarious. Seriously, how do you come up with this stuff???

Monique said...

wow...get me bodied at itunes for 99cents hahaha

chef said...

ahhh shit aahhh shit. that was 2 funny.
u silly as fuck. but u need 2 update more often. DAMN! lol j/p
out-e!

JuJu said...

you are not funny you are a hater and stupid as hell you punk bitch!!!!

Anonymous said...

ignore that dumb fucker above me...damn some people don't have a sense of humor. stop taking it so serious, BEYONCE STAN lol
anyway beyonceitis ur funny as hell. keep em coming.

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