Greetings Haters, Stans, and those in between. I am recovering from a wild weekend on the west coast, but more on that later.
First I would like to say happy birthday to the hottest chick in the game. I'm sure you're all wondering, "What do you give a woman who has more money than I will ever see in my lifetime?" Well I'm sure with the kind of busy life Beyonce has, she really doesn't want any expensive gifts, so she'll take today to enjoy the simple things in life. The joy of sleeping late, the joy of a going shopping. The joy of changing her nephew's diaper, the joy of changing Jay's diaper. The smell of her mother's cooking , the smell of Jay's Bengay...ok I'm done.
Jay was planning a huge multimillion dollar birthday party for Beyonce this week, but that money had to go towards bail money for Solange and Baby Daniel. I don't want to get too deep into what happened but I'll just say that Daniel Sr. was late with the child support payments, and sometimes, when your baby's father is slow with those court ordered checks, every now and then you gotta go in the back of the closet and pull out that baseball bat and bust out all the windows in his mother's car.
Jay used all of the money he set aside for the party to bail them out of jail. Now Jay is mad that there's no party because now he gets no birthday ass, and Beyonce's upset cause she had planned to cancel the party and put all of the money toward the wig fund for her third album.
Happy birthday anyway...
As you may or may not know, this weekend's Beyonce Experience show in Los Angeles was taped for DVD release and possible TV airing. Kelly and the other one came out during 'Survivor', and Jay was wheeled out to do 'Upgrade U' and at the end Beyonce threw up the ROC sign, and Jay got excited threw his walker in the air, then his hip gave out and they had to call the paramedics.
Baby Daniel did "Crank that Big Bird" while Jay was being carted off in the ambulance. Blacula, Matthew was seen walking around again, and Solange was out in the parking lot selling candy, can sodas, popcorn, pickles, and, of course, copies of 'Miss Kelly'.
Celebrities in the crowd included Magic Johnson, Samuel L. Jackson, Megan Good, and Rhianna.
Usher was also there with his new bride. They enjoyed the show from a private suite.
After the show, Usher came backstage and Beyonce bought him to her male dancers dressing room. She would have stayed and kicked it with them but she had to go slap Solange for not properly brushing one of her wigs. Beyonce was gone for less than 5 minutes and when she came back all her male dancers and Usher were ass-naked on the floor. The whole room smelled like baby oil and butt-crack. Beyonce tried to pry them apart but she slipped in all the greasiness that happens in a situation like this. So she had to turn a water hose on them to get them off each other.
The DVD is slated to be released in January.
A source told me that several R&B female artists are coming together and are planning to kidnap Beyonce at this Sunday's MTV Video Music Awards. Several of these artists met this weekend to go over their plan. Here is an excerpt from that meeting:
Ashanti: I would like to call to order this meeting of FHAB, Famous Haters Against Beyonce. Is everyone here? Amerie?
Ashanti: KeKe Wyatt
KeKe: Here, and I can sing better than Beyonce.
Ashanti: Ok, that's good to know even though nobody asked you.
Ashanti: Has anybody seen Mya?
Amerie: Umm, her cell phone was cut off, and the manager at Target says she no longer works there.
Ashanti: Jennifer Hudson, why are you here? You have talent!
Jennifer: I heard there was cake.
KeKe: I can cut it for you. I can cut cake BETTER THAN BEYONCE!
Ashanti: Thank you KeKe. After you cut the cake please put the knife back where you found it.
Ashanti: As we all know, Beyonce is continuing to shit on us on a daily basis. I was suppose to have the single of the summer with "Switch" and now that nobody cares about it I have to pretend that it was just a buzz single. I don't even know when my album is coming out. Amerie's album has been pushed back again, and Mya's album may not come out at all. Beyonce's unborn children's albums have release dates but we can't get ours released! SHE MUST BE STOPPED! All of our plans to get rid of Beyonce have failed.
Janet: I honestly didn't think she would last this long. When she performed at the Super Bowl, I took my titty out and shook it around a little hoping it would steal all the attention away from her.
Ashanti: And what happened?
Janet: That didn't work out quite the way I thought it would...
Amerie: Yes, I put Vaseline on the bottom of her shoes at her Orlando show, and she did slip and fall but that heffa got right back up and started spinning and rotating that wig. I don't even think she's human. She's evil! PURE EVIL! She must be stopped!
Ashanti: OK, as we know the MTV awards are coming up. None of us have sold an album since 2002, so Jennifer you are the only person who has been invited to the show so we need your help with this plan.
Jennifer: Do I get cake?
Ashanti: Nevermind all that. At around 7PM Beyonce will arrive. At around 8PM, Beyonce will head backstage to meanmug Rhianna. At 8:05PM we need you to lure her out in the parking lot with a pork chop and cheese sandwich, me and Amerie will sneak up and tie her up, Imma see if I can borrow my mom's Astrovan, and we will put her in the back and knock her out. While she's passed out we will drop her off in the middle of the desert in Saudi Arabia. Assuming she doesn't get too frisky with the camels, I'm estimating that it will take her about a month to escape. During this time we will try to release our albums without her upstaging us. We have 3 release dates in October since Alicia Keys is coming on the 23rd and will probably shit on us too. I will take October 9. Ok, Who wants Ocotber 16?
Janet: I want Ocotber 16.
Amerie: Why do you get October 16?
Janet: Excuse me, I did Rhythm Nation, OK! My brother did Thriller! I am a legend dammit! I am a Jackson! And now I have to sleep with a Midget Monkeyman just to stay relevant! I am 41 years old! I AM TOO DAMN OLD TO BE FUCKING FOR TRACKS!!!
Ashanti: Ok, Janet, calm down. Have some cake.
Jennifer: NO! MY CAKE! (slaps Janet)
Ashanti: Jennifer that cake was for everybody! See this is why we can't even get our albums released. We're too busy arguing, fighting, eating, and stabbing to get anything accomplished. And Beyonce is still shitting on us. We need to focus.
(TO BE CONTINUED...)
NOT HER GOODIES
Last week, Beyonce and her lovely mother Celestine attended the MAGIC Fashion Convention in Las Vegas, since they will rarely pass an opportunity to sling Dereon, House of Dereon, Dereon Plus, Dereon Junior, and whatever other fashion lines they have out this week. Beyonce and her mother denied claims that Beyonce had a wardrobe malfunction in Toronto two weeks and insist Beyonce was wearing a flesh-toned bra.
Tina: We've been doing this for awhile. Do you really think we'd be stupid enough not to put a bra underneath her. Beyonce always dresses classy. I have been a fashion designer for almost 30 years now and even when we didn't have the designer dresses, even when I was dressing Destiny's Child in cut-up curtains I stole from the Motel 6, they were always covered up and classy!
Interviewer: Is it true that you use animal fur in your clothing line?
Tina: We don't use as much fur as people think we do. People would be surprised at how little fur we ACTUALLY use in the line.
Interviewer: So no possum fur, no bird feathers?
Tina: Honey, the only bird in the House of Dereon is that Grey Goose, cause Miss Tina likes to get loose.
At this point in the interview Tina starts doing a very inappropriate dance and Beyonce has to escort her mother out of the convention to
sleep off some of the liquor get some air.