I guess you're wondering why Beyonce and Jay-Z weren't seated together, and why Beyonce was late and came in dressed in leftover fabric from Austin Powers Goldmember, and most of all I'm sure you're wondering why Beyonce was slipping on her wig game last night. Well Mama Tina sent me a message on Yahoo! (screename: SexiCreoleMama) and explained what happened Sunday.
Tina: Well, we were all set to go to MTV Awards, Beyonce had a couple of dresses and some new hair all layed out, pressed, and ready to go. That night before me and Beyonce, and Solange had a girls night out went out clubbin in Vegas and had a good ole time on Matthew's credit cards (well, they are actually Beyonce's credit cards cause that fucker couldn't even get a prepaid cell phone before "Say My Name" went #1). We went out, had some margaritas, and went to see some male skrippers. To make a long story short, I put about $200 of my bingo money into the g-string of a stripper named Hot Caramel, and Beyonce got a facefull of testicles from a stripper named Mr. Magic Stick and Solange went back to her hotel room with a bow-legged stripper whose name I can't recall.
Then early Sunday morning we woke up to go to church, because even though we got drunk with some strippers we are still God-fearing Christian women so we went to chruch to get bodied by the Holy Ghost.
After church, we went back to the hotel to get Beyonce dressed for the red carpet. As we were leaving the hotel, Beyonce got a phone call. As it turns out, Jay was out doing Beyonce dirty last night. He forgot to take one of his pills, and he started thinking he was single, and he was seen out at the club waving his bottle of Viagra and Social Security check at the young girls at the club. Beyonce was much, much, upset about that. So she confronted him about it.
On the way to VMAs, she went to this hotel suite, and banged on the door. No answer. She called his Blackberry.
No answer. Then she was walking out into the lobby and saw Jay with Rhianna (you should be hearing alarms right now). So Beyonce starts talking all fast, and that neck started moving, and that wig started moving, it was just too much movement, and Jay got confused, couldn't even answer any questions. Then Rhianna slides in a started getting real slick about the mouth. I can tell there were some short yellow buses involved in her education because she clearly is hard-headed and doesn't seem to remember the last few ass-whoopings Beyonce laid on her, but this girl is bold, and she had her girlfriends with her and we weren't prepared, I left my razor and my fighting wig in my church bag, so we had to improvise. It was about 16 heffas from Barbados against me Beyonce and Solange, but we held our own.
In the end they got Beyonce for her wig and totally ruined her dress. So had about 10 minutes to fix the dress. So being the creative designer that Jesus blessed me to be, I turned Beyonce into Beyonceadus, Greek Goddess of Lacefronts.
So we get to the show and everybody looks nice, Ashanti looks nice, Alicia looks nice, Nicole Scherezinegerenererinsizzurp looks nice, but the show is wack! The performers were wack except Chris Brown, DAMN! he got me excited all up in my panty region. That little sexy mufucka can live under my skirt...I got some Dereon shortsets with his name on it.
Anyway, I was grooving to Alicia Keys, when all of a sudden Kid Rock and Tommy Lee got to fighting beside me. Now me and Beyonce have whooped more than a few asses in our day, so this little sissy slapfigting didn't bother us. Matthew aint as good with his hands as we are, so his punk-ass picked up a chair. I was just waiting for somebody to spill some liquor on my Vegas wig, and all kinds of hell would have broke loose. Some folks just don't know how to act. I could have showed my ass on camera, and bumrushed the stage when Rhianna was up there, but that would have done nothing for the advancement of colored people. That's one thing, at least when WE fight we have enough class to do it out in the parking lot.