WEEKLY NEWSLETTER VOL. 1
Because there is a lot going on in the world of Beyonce, even the strongest stan has a hard time keeping track of everything she does. Every apperance, every performance, every interview, everytime she farts, ect... So if you've been under a rock, or in the county lock-up, or if you have a life and don't have to time to spend 16 hours a day visiting Google news every 5 minutes, I would like to update you on what happened in the world of Beyonka.
First things first, I would like to let you know that you DO NOT like Beyonce this week. I know you don't have a mind of your own and are not quite sure how you feel about Beyonce, and therefore you need message boards, blogs and websites to tell you how you feel about her. So this week you DID NOT like her. Next week you WILL like her, and then the following you will be indifferent towards her in honor of Labor Day.
Here's what you may have missed this week:
Celestine on HSN
The week started with Beyonce's mammy Celestine (Tina, for you simple folks) on the Home Shopping Network selling her new clothing line . I'm not sure if I was high or if something was wrong with my Comcast service but the line sold very well and very quickly. All jokes aside she has a few nice-looking things that your Grandmother would love to rock at Thursday night Bingo or on the bus ride during the church's annual trip to King's Dominion.
Anyway the highlight of the Miss Tina's appearance was when her child (the famous one) called to support her mother. Yes, Beyonce called in to congratulate her mother on her new line. I think the conversation went something like this:
HSN Host: And what is this item?
Tina: This is a Lepoard-Print pantsuit, with squirrel-skin trim and a hoodie that zips off. The great thing about this pantsuit is that the squirrel-skin is totally removable so you can wear this in the office, and the pants are held together by Velcro, so when you leave the office you can rip them off and head over to the club, and another great thing about the zebraskin hot-pants underneath the pantsuit is that they are crotch-less, giving your poon air to breath which is a problem for a lot of plus-sized women because all the fabric and the fatty folds suffocates the poon-region so all the clothes in the Miss Tina collection are crotchless so that your cooter gets the proper amount of oxygen. I thought very hard about this and I made this line for plus-sized women in mind, for example Jennifer Hudson.
HSN Host: And I think we have a very special caller on the line, it's your daughter!
Tina: (whispers) Tell her I'm not here!
HSN Host: Well Tina we're live on TV so she sees you, plus it's Beyonce not Solange!
Tina: Oh, hey baby, fruit of my loins, light of my life, signer of my checks, how are you?
Beyonce: I'm good. I just called to congratulate you on your new clothing line. Everything looks wonderful and I would totally buy everything on here! Mama you look so cute with your business hair on! You better do it!
Tina: Thank you honey!
Beyonce: Also I called to ask you where the remote control is to the tv?
Tina: Beyonce we're on live TV.
Beyonce: Oh we on live TV! So everybody can hear me as I talk? Oh well I wanna give a shout-out to Shonda, Tosha, Kelly, Ty, everybody in Houston, Lil TeeTee, Big Shank, Baby Daniel, and to my baby Jay I LUH YOU!!!
Tina: Beyonce get your simple ass off the phone!
I don't remember what happened next because I kind of passed out, but congratulations to Miss Tina!!!
Don't you hate when friends you've known for a long time betray you!
Beyonce success has come with the help of two very important friends, no not Kelly and Michelle, but Lacefront and Wind-Machine. These two things have helped Beyonce become the global diva that she is today, and I am saddened to report that they have turned their backs on her.
First Beyonce's lacefront got angry and attacked her in concert:
Then, last week in Toronto Beyonce's wind-machine stabbed her in the back and blew her shirt up which may or may not have exposed her fun bags.
It's hard to see if that is real titty-meat or a flesh-toned bra. I wish I knew why this is news...----------------------------------------------------------------------
Beyonce announced this week that she will return to the studio in December to begin work on her third album. "VaginaSparkle"
I myself have mixed feelings about this, but I'm starting to think that Beyonce is like that bus in Speed, like if she slows down she'll explode or something, so I will not fight this, she clearly knows something I don't know.
Credible sources told me (by credible sources I mean I'm just assuming or I read it on a message board) that she is entering the studio quickly so that she can be done with her contract with Sony:
2003 - Dangerously In Love
2006 - B'Day
2008/2009 - VaginaSparkle2009 - A greatest hits album
After her contract is up she will end her relationship with Jay-Z, and Matthew will be sent to a nursing home, Tina will enter a rehab facility to help curb her addiction to Bedazzlers, all wig crypt employees will be freed, and Beyonce and Justin Timberlake will move to South Africa where they will spend the rest of their lives creating many musical masterpieces and talented, bi-racial children.
Or so I heard...
This week Rhianna cleared up any rumors that she and Beyonce are beefing. She denies that they got into a fistfight in the parking lot after the BET Awards, but admit that have settled their differences with each other.
In an interview Rhianna says:
“She's definitely not the enemy, it's not a competition. At first we did not get along. She specifically did not want me around Jay. She was on the set of "Umbrella" to make sure that me and Jay did not shoot any scenes together, and as soon as I showed up she was like "Turn the cameras off! Jay get your shit it's time to go." and then she destroyed the cameras and the videotapes so no footage of me and Jay would be seen together. If you notice, me and Jay did NOT appear on stage together at the same time at the MTV Movie Awards, Beyonce was there to make sure of that. Then after the show I confronted her about it and I said "Look, I don't see no damn wedding ring on your finger so you need to chill out before I walk away with your man." Then she didn't say anything for awhile, then next thing I know she pulls out pistol out from underneath her wig and shoots me in the foot. Then she said "Let's see how far you walk away now with a bullet in your foot, ho!"
Although the bullet is still in her foot Rhianna is expected to be back and dancing as awkardly as she was before the shooting.