"Damn! That was so good I want to make him some Hamburger Helper"

"Hey baby when you used to Filet mignon it's kind of hard to go back to Hamburger Helper."

One of my "sources" sent me a tip that Beyonce's fans are highly upset about her latest DVD, some are even planning to petition that it be re-edited or have their money refunded. I was sent a copy of the letter they plan to send to Beyonce.


SUBJECT: The Beyonce Experience DVD
ATTENTION: Sony Music, Beyonce, Matthew Knowles, and MusicWorld Entertainment

To whom it may concern:

There are certain physical and chemical things that happen to our bodies when we see Beyonce's male back-up dancers. It's hard to put into words. There's a tingle which starts in the back of our necks, slides down our spines, and heads around to our happy places. So you can only imgaine our joy when, during one of Beyonce's 87 costume changes, Beyonce's male dancers started pumping, and sweating, and bumping and grinding. And you can imagine our heartbreak when the camera panned away to the audience.


When we pay 13 dollars and 64 cents for a DVD, we don't want to see the audience. We want to see ding-a-ling! We want to see balls hanging and swinging free in that wind Beyonce uses to blow her hairpiece around. We want the camera to be so close that I count pubical* (yes, we said pubical) hairs. This is what our ticket money pays for and we are shocked and dismayed at the way the DVD was edited.

We are asking that the entire Beyonce Experience be re-shot with the appropriate amount of penis added. In the future we would like to see Beyonce have all-male all-nude dancers. As a matter of fact we wouldn't mind an all-male all-nude band also. Other than that we greatly enjoyed the Beyonce Experience. Keep up the good work!

Beyonce Stans Worldwide

P.S. Please send me Cliff and Anthony's home addresses. I want to send them some shortsets for Christmas.


Well...I guess you can't please everybody. I personally I enjoyed the DVD. I don't want to oversell or overhype it just because it's Beyonce but the Beyonce Experience is pretty much the greatest thing I've ever seen or heard and if you don't like it you're a stinky hater!

One of my favorite part of the shows was before Suga Mama when she said: "Damn! That was so good I want to make him some Hamburger Helper". are a comedic genius!

How do you come up with this stuff?

Here are my other favorite Beyonce lines:

"Damn! That was so good I want to buy him some Popeyes"
"Damn! That hurt so bad, I think I need some Hamburger Helper' (following her infamous fall in Orlando, FL)
"Damn! That was so good I want to give him gas money."
"Damn! That was so good I might make him some pancakes."
"Damn! That was so good I might make him some neckbones."
"Damn! That was so good I might make him some pig feet"
"Damn! That was so good I might make him some potato salad."
"Damn! That was so good I want to buy him a PlayStation 3."
"Damn! That was so good I can't even walk to the bathroom."
"Damn That was so good I might let him see me without my wig."
"Damn! That was so good I can't feel my legs."
"Damn! That was so good I feel like speaking in tongues."
"Damn! That was so good I see dead people!"
"Damn! That was so good I can't even pee straight."
"Damn! That was so good I think he put a dent in my birth canal."
"Damn! That was so good I might let him hit it raw next time."
"Damn! That was so good I might let him get me pregnant and I won't even ask for child support."

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If you value any part of your life you would do what Baby D. says. This is not somebody you want riding by your house at 1AM in the morning. As T.I. once said: He can get your blocked knocked off! I'm not saying he does the block-knocking, I am saying is that he can arrange to have your block knocked off.

If you are a stan like me, then you know that The Beyonce Experience Live from Los Angeles is in stores today. The DVD features special appearances by Jay-Z, Michelle, and Kelly.

This year has been a very expensive year to be Beyonchichi fan. You probably spent at least $200 on tickets, then Armani Diamonds, then the B'Phone, I'm sure you switched to DirecTV, and you probably tried to apply for an American Express card in your 6-month old nephew's name. So $9.99 for a DVD may be a little too much right now. If that's the case then BET will be airing the concert on Thanksgiving at 8PM. If you miss it then, they will show portions of the concert throughout the Cowboys and Jets game on CBS. If that's not enough, portions of the concert will also be re-aired on BET, during Bobby Jones Gospel Hour, and re-runs of Girlfriends.

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New Phones Coming

Beyonce's B'Phone has inspired a host of other female artists to release their phones. Before you run out spend your money, I did a little comparision to find which phone is the best.

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It's been about 3 months since our last update, I have mixed feelings about this whole Beyonceitis thing now, but it doesn't change the fact that Beyonce shits on everybody at everything as is better than you at everything, including but not limited to singing, dancing, and martial arts.

So last night Beyonce won the International Artist Award:

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If you want to bitch about it being a made up award (which it isnt), blah, blah, please go to Beyonceworld with that shit. Yes she's only had 2 solo albums, but this chick is performing in STADIUMS all over the world. She has 5 commericials out right now. She's not just a singer anymore. She's a pop culture icon. Swish that around your mouth for minute.

Anyway after the American Music Awards Beyonce ran back into the studio to begin work on her new album. This album will not be rushed. Beyonce believes that true art and creativity cannot be put on a clock. She wants to take her time and find the a sound that is classic and timeless not rushed.

The album should be out this week in time for Black Friday.

While I am leaking all over myself waiting for Beyonce's next album, I am MOST excited about Baby Daniel's debut.

So I went to the studio to get an exclusive listen of Baby Daniel's new album "The Creole Pimp Chroincles" and I learned that Matthew Knowles is planning to send Beyonce to rehab! To get more on the subject we tracked down Mr. Knowles who was in the studio with his grandson Baby Daniel, overseeing the recording of Daniel's new album due out early 2008. The album will feature Baby D. rapping and singing. When I came in Daniel was in the booth singing a track. I don't know the title but the lyrics went like this:

"I be pimpin'
Creole pimpin'
All the time
All the time
My pimpin' hand be strong
That's why I'm singing this song
I be pimpin'
Creole pimpin'

The tracks were hot, but I was there for business so I sat down with Matthew to get all the info.

Here is our interview:

Beyonceitis: Matthew I heard you were sending Beyonce to rehab? What in Dereon hell is going on?

Matthew: One thing I've learned being in the music industry and breathing down Beyonce's back for the past 10 years is that people don't appreciate talent for talent's sake. If you are just talented then you are attacked. You're overrated. You're overexposed. You're a sellout. However you go through some kind of personal crisis, more people gravitate towards you and embrace you. Example. Whitney Houston gets booed at the Soul Train Awards. They called her a sellout and an oreo. 10 years later, she does the crackhead shuffle at the BET Awards and gets a standing ovation and lifetime acheivement award. R. Kelly pisses on minors, he's the King of R&B. Tina Turner, well, she didn't really piss on anybody but we like her more now that we know that Ike went upside her head with that snakeskin boot. I realized that Beyonce just being talented was not enough. People view her as this perfect goody two-shoes. There's no story. No struggle. These days people just won't let you be talented and healthy and happy. So I am sending her to rehab.

Beyonceitis: But Beyonce doesn't do drugs.

Matthew: I know, but she's going to rehab anyway, it will be a good addition to her E! True Hollywood Story, plus she needs the vacation.

Beyonceitis: What will her fans do while she's gone? Do you know there are about 167 idiotic stans at Beyonceworld who will kill themselves if she's gone for more than a week?

Matthew: For $8000 a pop, Fans will be able to buy meet and greet passes, to visit Beyonce in rehab. You will get a picture with Beyonce plus a t-shirt that says "Beyonce Smokes Crack Rock"

Beyonceitis: But, Beyonce doesn't smoke crack rock.

Matthew: I know, but we've found her stans would buy a piece of turd in a ziploc bag as long as you put Beyonce's name on it.

Beyonceitis: So while Beyonce's in rehab, who will be the hottest chick in the game?

Matthew: I'm glad you asked me that. Tina and Solange are teaming up with VH1 to launch a reality show called "Diva School: Flavor of Beyonce" where other female singers will compete for the chance to be named "hottest chick in the game" for a month. The grand prize winner will actually have their albums released on time!

At this point Matthew shows me a scene from Tina's new Reality Show "Flavor of Beyonce" (I always imagined Beyonce tasted like Skittles and neckbones)

Ashanti, Cassie, Christina Milian, Amerie, KeKe Wyatt, are all standing at the top of a staircase.

Tina: Ladies, today your first challenge will test how well you recover. How well you can think on your feet.

(all of sudden, Baby Daniel comes and pushes all the ladies down the stairs. Ashanti falls flat on her face, KeKe falls, and out of anger takes a swing at Baby Daniel with her razor.)

The second challenge will test your cleaning skills.

Let's say you're on the red carpet in your fabulous Dereon leopoard-print cocktail dress with ruffles and glued-on rhinestones, and of course a brand new fur. All of a sudden, PETA comes and throws pigs' blood on you. Now your wig is ruined. Ladies you have 20 minutes to get the blood out of the wig. Good luck.

20 Minutes Later.

(Amerie presents her wig)

Tina: Very good Amerie, how did you clean this?

Amerie: Warm water, and shampoo, and I let it air dry.

Tina: Very good. KeKe where's your wig?

(KeKe shows Tina the wig)

Tina: KeKe why is your wig so short?

KeKe: I didn't feel like cleaning it so I just cut the blood stains out.

Tina: KeKe sit your violent ass down. Cassie where is your wig?

(Cassie hands Tina a piece of paper)

Tina: What is this?

Cassie: I don't really know how to clean wigs so I just asked Diddy and Ryan Leslie to come up with an excuse for me.

Tina: Cassie sit your tonedeaf ass down. Ashanti where is your wig?

Ashanti: Umm..I don't know.

Tina: We gave you the wig 20 minutes ago, I know you didn't lose the wig in 20 minutes. Where is the wig?

Ashanti: I don't know.

Tina: Ashanti, I'm going to ask you again where is the wig?

Ashanti : I don't know.

Tina: Ashanti, did you put your wig in the washing machine?

Ashanti: Yes...

Tina: Go get my wig out of that washing machine before I whoop your ass!

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Beyonce may be done with B'Day and her world tour may be winding down but don't think she's going away. No..., it'll take more than open letters, holy water, or animal tranquilizers to get her to sit down. Beyonce is expanding herself as a marketable brand starting with her American Express ad campaign which debuts on TV and the internet next week.

Dereon is now selling class rings and are about to launch a Dereon Baby line which includes baby lacefronts and wig adhesive mild enough so that it doesn't irritate a baby's sensitve skin.

But wait...there's more.

Matthew Knowles also let me know about several new products coming soon.

Here's our interview:

Beyonceitis: So I guess it wasn't enough that Beyonce had a clothing line, a deal with Samsung, L'oreal, and American Express...I guess you couldn't leave well enough alone?

Matthew: When have I ever left well enough alone? I would fuck up a wet dream if you let with that I am determine to have my daughter's name in every store in every city in every country in the world.

Beyonceitis: How do you plan to do that?

Matthew: Well I had to have a conversation with myself...I said Rufus, (That's my birth name) I said Rufus, how do we get Beyonce's name out there even more? What are things that all people regardless of age, race, or economic background do...and the answers were eat, shit, have sex, and go to church. So we have introduced a line of Dereon products that cater to these basic human needs.

Beyonceitis: OK, tell us about the House of Dereon Condoms.

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Matthew: Yes this are called Freakums, the official House of Dereon condoms, which come in several sizes including regular, extra large, and 2-Liter. Plus sever flavors including strawberry, banana, and Popeye's Chicken grease.

Beyonceitis: Ok, what's next?

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Matthew: We have House of Dereon toilet paper, which has the House of Dereon logo on each sheet, and the slogan is "Wipe Your Derrierre with Dereon".

Beyonceitis: That's disgusting...what's next?

Matthew: Finally we travel a lot and go to chruch and one thing we noticed in all churches and hotels is that there is a bible in every room. So I figured everytime people read the Bible they need to think of Beyonce.

Beyonceitis: And how do you plan to do that?

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Matthew: The official House of Dereon Holy Bible.

Beyonceitis: I don't like where this is going...

Matthew: Let me read you a passage from the Dereon Bible:

"And God said unto Noah build an ark, and take two of each animal. Now take one of those zebras, skin it and make a purse. Now take one of those possums, skin it and make a pantsuit, not take one of those..."

Beyonceitis: Ok, I think that's enough.

Matthew: I'm not done.

"And God said unto Moses, "Take thy rod and smite this rock"; and MOSES smote the rock.... And God said unto MOSES, "Lift up thy rod, and cast it into the water, and Moses cast it into the water...and God said take thine legs and get thee bodied on the dancefloor and then download "Get Me Bodied" at iTunes for just 99 cents."

Beyonceitis: Ok, Matthew that's enough. I'm done.

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Not A Recap...

I could waste a couple of paragraphs about the MTV Video Music Awards and how they made the Ozone Awards look like the Oscars, and I could hate on celebrities I'll never meet and outfits that I'll never be able to afford, but you spent all morning doing that.

I guess you're wondering why Beyonce and Jay-Z weren't seated together, and why Beyonce was late and came in dressed in leftover fabric from Austin Powers Goldmember, and most of all I'm sure you're wondering why Beyonce was slipping on her wig game last night. Well Mama Tina sent me a message on Yahoo! (screename: SexiCreoleMama) and explained what happened Sunday.

Tina: Well, we were all set to go to MTV Awards, Beyonce had a couple of dresses and some new hair all layed out, pressed, and ready to go. That night before me and Beyonce, and Solange had a girls night out went out clubbin in Vegas and had a good ole time on Matthew's credit cards (well, they are actually Beyonce's credit cards cause that fucker couldn't even get a prepaid cell phone before "Say My Name" went #1). We went out, had some margaritas, and went to see some male skrippers. To make a long story short, I put about $200 of my bingo money into the g-string of a stripper named Hot Caramel, and Beyonce got a facefull of testicles from a stripper named Mr. Magic Stick and Solange went back to her hotel room with a bow-legged stripper whose name I can't recall.

Then early Sunday morning we woke up to go to church, because even though we got drunk with some strippers we are still God-fearing Christian women so we went to chruch to get bodied by the Holy Ghost.

After church, we went back to the hotel to get Beyonce dressed for the red carpet. As we were leaving the hotel, Beyonce got a phone call. As it turns out, Jay was out doing Beyonce dirty last night. He forgot to take one of his pills, and he started thinking he was single, and he was seen out at the club waving his bottle of Viagra and Social Security check at the young girls at the club. Beyonce was much, much, upset about that. So she confronted him about it.

On the way to VMAs, she went to this hotel suite, and banged on the door. No answer. She called his Blackberry.

No answer. Then she was walking out into the lobby and saw Jay with Rhianna (you should be hearing alarms right now). So Beyonce starts talking all fast, and that neck started moving, and that wig started moving, it was just too much movement, and Jay got confused, couldn't even answer any questions. Then Rhianna slides in a started getting real slick about the mouth. I can tell there were some short yellow buses involved in her education because she clearly is hard-headed and doesn't seem to remember the last few ass-whoopings Beyonce laid on her, but this girl is bold, and she had her girlfriends with her and we weren't prepared, I left my razor and my fighting wig in my church bag, so we had to improvise. It was about 16 heffas from Barbados against me Beyonce and Solange, but we held our own.

In the end they got Beyonce for her wig and totally ruined her dress. So had about 10 minutes to fix the dress. So being the creative designer that Jesus blessed me to be, I turned Beyonce into Beyonceadus, Greek Goddess of Lacefronts.

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So we get to the show and everybody looks nice, Ashanti looks nice, Alicia looks nice, Nicole Scherezinegerenererinsizzurp looks nice, but the show is wack! The performers were wack except Chris Brown, DAMN! he got me excited all up in my panty region. That little sexy mufucka can live under my skirt...I got some Dereon shortsets with his name on it.

Anyway, I was grooving to Alicia Keys, when all of a sudden Kid Rock and Tommy Lee got to fighting beside me. Now me and Beyonce have whooped more than a few asses in our day, so this little sissy slapfigting didn't bother us. Matthew aint as good with his hands as we are, so his punk-ass picked up a chair. I was just waiting for somebody to spill some liquor on my Vegas wig, and all kinds of hell would have broke loose. Some folks just don't know how to act. I could have showed my ass on camera, and bumrushed the stage when Rhianna was up there, but that would have done nothing for the advancement of colored people. That's one thing, at least when WE fight we have enough class to do it out in the parking lot.

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Beyonceitis Newsletter Vol 2.

Happy Birthday!!!

Greetings Haters, Stans, and those in between. I am recovering from a wild weekend on the west coast, but more on that later.

First I would like to say happy birthday to the hottest chick in the game. I'm sure you're all wondering, "What do you give a woman who has more money than I will ever see in my lifetime?" Well I'm sure with the kind of busy life Beyonce has, she really doesn't want any expensive gifts, so she'll take today to enjoy the simple things in life. The joy of sleeping late, the joy of a going shopping. The joy of changing her nephew's diaper, the joy of changing Jay's diaper. The smell of her mother's cooking , the smell of Jay's Bengay...ok I'm done.

Jay was planning a huge multimillion dollar birthday party for Beyonce this week, but that money had to go towards bail money for Solange and Baby Daniel. I don't want to get too deep into what happened but I'll just say that Daniel Sr. was late with the child support payments, and sometimes, when your baby's father is slow with those court ordered checks, every now and then you gotta go in the back of the closet and pull out that baseball bat and bust out all the windows in his mother's car.

Jay used all of the money he set aside for the party to bail them out of jail. Now Jay is mad that there's no party because now he gets no birthday ass, and Beyonce's upset cause she had planned to cancel the party and put all of the money toward the wig fund for her third album.

Happy birthday anyway...

DVD Taping

As you may or may not know, this weekend's Beyonce Experience show in Los Angeles was taped for DVD release and possible TV airing. Kelly and the other one came out during 'Survivor', and Jay was wheeled out to do 'Upgrade U' and at the end Beyonce threw up the ROC sign, and Jay got excited threw his walker in the air, then his hip gave out and they had to call the paramedics.

Baby Daniel did "Crank that Big Bird" while Jay was being carted off in the ambulance. Blacula, Matthew was seen walking around again, and Solange was out in the parking lot selling candy, can sodas, popcorn, pickles, and, of course, copies of 'Miss Kelly'.

Celebrities in the crowd included Magic Johnson, Samuel L. Jackson, Megan Good, and Rhianna.

Usher was also there with his new bride. They enjoyed the show from a private suite.
After the show, Usher came backstage and Beyonce bought him to her male dancers dressing room. She would have stayed and kicked it with them but she had to go slap Solange for not properly brushing one of her wigs. Beyonce was gone for less than 5 minutes and when she came back all her male dancers and Usher were ass-naked on the floor. The whole room smelled like baby oil and butt-crack. Beyonce tried to pry them apart but she slipped in all the greasiness that happens in a situation like this. So she had to turn a water hose on them to get them off each other.

The DVD is slated to be released in January.

FHAB Meeting

A source told me that several R&B female artists are coming together and are planning to kidnap Beyonce at this Sunday's MTV Video Music Awards. Several of these artists met this weekend to go over their plan. Here is an excerpt from that meeting:

Ashanti: I would like to call to order this meeting of FHAB, Famous Haters Against Beyonce. Is everyone here? Amerie?

Amerie: Here.

Ashanti: Janet?

Janet: Here.

Ashanti: KeKe Wyatt

KeKe: Here, and I can sing better than Beyonce.

Ashanti: Ok, that's good to know even though nobody asked you.

Ashanti: Has anybody seen Mya?

Amerie: Umm, her cell phone was cut off, and the manager at Target says she no longer works there.

Ashanti: Jennifer Hudson, why are you here? You have talent!

Jennifer: I heard there was cake.

KeKe: I can cut it for you. I can cut cake BETTER THAN BEYONCE!

Ashanti: Thank you KeKe. After you cut the cake please put the knife back where you found it.

Ashanti: As we all know, Beyonce is continuing to shit on us on a daily basis. I was suppose to have the single of the summer with "Switch" and now that nobody cares about it I have to pretend that it was just a buzz single. I don't even know when my album is coming out. Amerie's album has been pushed back again, and Mya's album may not come out at all. Beyonce's unborn children's albums have release dates but we can't get ours released! SHE MUST BE STOPPED! All of our plans to get rid of Beyonce have failed.

Janet: I honestly didn't think she would last this long. When she performed at the Super Bowl, I took my titty out and shook it around a little hoping it would steal all the attention away from her.

Ashanti: And what happened?

Janet: That didn't work out quite the way I thought it would...

Amerie: Yes, I put Vaseline on the bottom of her shoes at her Orlando show, and she did slip and fall but that heffa got right back up and started spinning and rotating that wig. I don't even think she's human. She's evil! PURE EVIL! She must be stopped!

Ashanti: OK, as we know the MTV awards are coming up. None of us have sold an album since 2002, so Jennifer you are the only person who has been invited to the show so we need your help with this plan.

Jennifer: Do I get cake?

Ashanti: Nevermind all that. At around 7PM Beyonce will arrive. At around 8PM, Beyonce will head backstage to meanmug Rhianna. At 8:05PM we need you to lure her out in the parking lot with a pork chop and cheese sandwich, me and Amerie will sneak up and tie her up, Imma see if I can borrow my mom's Astrovan, and we will put her in the back and knock her out. While she's passed out we will drop her off in the middle of the desert in Saudi Arabia. Assuming she doesn't get too frisky with the camels, I'm estimating that it will take her about a month to escape. During this time we will try to release our albums without her upstaging us. We have 3 release dates in October since Alicia Keys is coming on the 23rd and will probably shit on us too. I will take October 9. Ok, Who wants Ocotber 16?

Janet: I want Ocotber 16.

Amerie: Why do you get October 16?

Janet: Excuse me, I did Rhythm Nation, OK! My brother did Thriller! I am a legend dammit! I am a Jackson! And now I have to sleep with a Midget Monkeyman just to stay relevant! I am 41 years old! I AM TOO DAMN OLD TO BE FUCKING FOR TRACKS!!!

Ashanti: Ok, Janet, calm down. Have some cake.

Jennifer: NO! MY CAKE! (slaps Janet)

Ashanti: Jennifer that cake was for everybody! See this is why we can't even get our albums released. We're too busy arguing, fighting, eating, and stabbing to get anything accomplished. And Beyonce is still shitting on us. We need to focus.


Last week, Beyonce and her lovely mother Celestine attended the MAGIC Fashion Convention in Las Vegas, since they will rarely pass an opportunity to sling Dereon, House of Dereon, Dereon Plus, Dereon Junior, and whatever other fashion lines they have out this week. Beyonce and her mother denied claims that Beyonce had a wardrobe malfunction in Toronto two weeks and insist Beyonce was wearing a flesh-toned bra.

Tina: We've been doing this for awhile. Do you really think we'd be stupid enough not to put a bra underneath her. Beyonce always dresses classy. I have been a fashion designer for almost 30 years now and even when we didn't have the designer dresses, even when I was dressing Destiny's Child in cut-up curtains I stole from the Motel 6, they were always covered up and classy!

Interviewer: Is it true that you use animal fur in your clothing line?

Tina: We don't use as much fur as people think we do. People would be surprised at how little fur we ACTUALLY use in the line.

Interviewer: So no possum fur, no bird feathers?

Tina: Honey, the only bird in the House of Dereon is that Grey Goose, cause Miss Tina likes to get loose.

At this point in the interview Tina starts doing a very inappropriate dance and Beyonce has to escort her mother out of the convention to sleep off some of the liquor get some air.

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August 28, 2007

Because there is a lot going on in the world of Beyonce, even the strongest stan has a hard time keeping track of everything she does. Every apperance, every performance, every interview, everytime she farts, ect... So if you've been under a rock, or in the county lock-up, or if you have a life and don't have to time to spend 16 hours a day visiting Google news every 5 minutes, I would like to update you on what happened in the world of Beyonka.

First things first, I would like to let you know that you DO NOT like Beyonce this week. I know you don't have a mind of your own and are not quite sure how you feel about Beyonce, and therefore you need message boards, blogs and websites to tell you how you feel about her. So this week you DID NOT like her. Next week you WILL like her, and then the following you will be indifferent towards her in honor of Labor Day.

Here's what you may have missed this week:

Celestine on HSN

The week started with Beyonce's mammy Celestine (Tina, for you simple folks) on the Home Shopping Network selling her new clothing line . I'm not sure if I was high or if something was wrong with my Comcast service but the line sold very well and very quickly. All jokes aside she has a few nice-looking things that your Grandmother would love to rock at Thursday night Bingo or on the bus ride during the church's annual trip to King's Dominion.

Anyway the highlight of the Miss Tina's appearance was when her child (the famous one) called to support her mother. Yes, Beyonce called in to congratulate her mother on her new line. I think the conversation went something like this:

HSN Host: And what is this item?

Tina: This is a Lepoard-Print pantsuit, with squirrel-skin trim and a hoodie that zips off. The great thing about this pantsuit is that the squirrel-skin is totally removable so you can wear this in the office, and the pants are held together by Velcro, so when you leave the office you can rip them off and head over to the club, and another great thing about the zebraskin hot-pants underneath the pantsuit is that they are crotch-less, giving your poon air to breath which is a problem for a lot of plus-sized women because all the fabric and the fatty folds suffocates the poon-region so all the clothes in the Miss Tina collection are crotchless so that your cooter gets the proper amount of oxygen. I thought very hard about this and I made this line for plus-sized women in mind, for example Jennifer Hudson.

HSN Host: And I think we have a very special caller on the line, it's your daughter!

Tina: (whispers) Tell her I'm not here!

HSN Host: Well Tina we're live on TV so she sees you, plus it's Beyonce not Solange!

Tina: Oh, hey baby, fruit of my loins, light of my life, signer of my checks, how are you?

Beyonce: I'm good. I just called to congratulate you on your new clothing line. Everything looks wonderful and I would totally buy everything on here! Mama you look so cute with your business hair on! You better do it!

Tina: Thank you honey!

Beyonce: Also I called to ask you where the remote control is to the tv?

Tina: Beyonce we're on live TV.

Beyonce: Oh we on live TV! So everybody can hear me as I talk? Oh well I wanna give a shout-out to Shonda, Tosha, Kelly, Ty, everybody in Houston, Lil TeeTee, Big Shank, Baby Daniel, and to my baby Jay I LUH YOU!!!

Tina: Beyonce get your simple ass off the phone!

I don't remember what happened next because I kind of passed out, but congratulations to Miss Tina!!!

Toronto Flash

Don't you hate when friends you've known for a long time betray you!

Beyonce success has come with the help of two very important friends, no not Kelly and Michelle, but Lacefront and Wind-Machine. These two things have helped Beyonce become the global diva that she is today, and I am saddened to report that they have turned their backs on her.

First Beyonce's lacefront got angry and attacked her in concert:

Then, last week in Toronto Beyonce's wind-machine stabbed her in the back and blew her shirt up which may or may not have exposed her fun bags.

It's hard to see if that is real titty-meat or a flesh-toned bra. I wish I knew why this is news...----------------------------------------------------------------------
New Album

Beyonce announced this week that she will return to the studio in December to begin work on her third album. "VaginaSparkle"

I myself have mixed feelings about this, but I'm starting to think that Beyonce is like that bus in Speed, like if she slows down she'll explode or something, so I will not fight this, she clearly knows something I don't know.

Credible sources told me (by credible sources I mean I'm just assuming or I read it on a message board) that she is entering the studio quickly so that she can be done with her contract with Sony:

2003 - Dangerously In Love
2006 - B'Day
2008/2009 - VaginaSparkle2009 - A greatest hits album

After her contract is up she will end her relationship with Jay-Z, and Matthew will be sent to a nursing home, Tina will enter a rehab facility to help curb her addiction to Bedazzlers, all wig crypt employees will be freed, and Beyonce and Justin Timberlake will move to South Africa where they will spend the rest of their lives creating many musical masterpieces and talented, bi-racial children.

Or so I heard...
Rivalry Rumor

This week Rhianna cleared up any rumors that she and Beyonce are beefing. She denies that they got into a fistfight in the parking lot after the BET Awards, but admit that have settled their differences with each other.

In an interview Rhianna says:

She's definitely not the enemy, it's not a competition. At first we did not get along. She specifically did not want me around Jay. She was on the set of "Umbrella" to make sure that me and Jay did not shoot any scenes together, and as soon as I showed up she was like "Turn the cameras off! Jay get your shit it's time to go." and then she destroyed the cameras and the videotapes so no footage of me and Jay would be seen together. If you notice, me and Jay did NOT appear on stage together at the same time at the MTV Movie Awards, Beyonce was there to make sure of that. Then after the show I confronted her about it and I said "Look, I don't see no damn wedding ring on your finger so you need to chill out before I walk away with your man." Then she didn't say anything for awhile, then next thing I know she pulls out pistol out from underneath her wig and shoots me in the foot. Then she said "Let's see how far you walk away now with a bullet in your foot, ho!"

Although the bullet is still in her foot Rhianna is expected to be back and dancing as awkardly as she was before the shooting.

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We can confirm now that Beyonce will debut her brand-new single at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards on September 9.

The same source who gave us news on "Worldwide" has confirmed that Beyonce will take to the stage to perform the first single from new album "Worldwide". The song is an up-tempo club banger called "Dick and Balls".

"'Dick and Balls' is very special to me", Beyonce says. "I've gotten a lot of criticism that my music isn't "deep" so for my next project I told myself that I would dig deeper. I was looking for that song to take me to the next level, I was looking for the song that would change my sound, and I couldn't find it, then one day 'Dick and Balls' just hit me in the face. It was there there the whole time, I just had to go deep inside myself and pull it out."

"I wrote "Dick and Balls" all by myself in 30 seconds.", Beyonce says. "But I also had a little help from my sister Solange. And Kelly, Michelle, LeToya, Baby Daniel, Sean Garret, my cousin Angie, Bea Arthur, who played Dorothy on the Golden Girls, the cast of Good Times, my 3rd grade art teacher. Oh, and Ne-Yo helped a little also.

Although Beyonce has been accused of making songs just for women she says that 'Dick and Balls' is a celebration of a man and his gifts to a woman. Beyonce says: "To me "Dick and Balls' is the celebration of love, life, and romance, and spirit, and freedom, racial equality, deep $h!t like that."

"Dick and Balls" was produced by Swizz Beatz, and although he has crafted such Beyonce bangers as "Check On It" and "Get Me Bodied" he admits he was a little nervous to offer Beyonce "Dick and Balls".

"I didn't know how she would react to it because it's so different than anything she's ever done before.", Swizz says. "It sounds so different. I didn't know how she would handle "Dick and Balls" so I called Jay-Z and told him to listen to it and get his opinion on it because he knows her the best. So we changed a few things around, and me and Jay spent a couple of days in the studio just messing around with "Dick and Balls" until we felt good about it. Then we called Beyonce and she played around with "Dick and Balls" until she felt comfortable."

As with a lot of Beyonce's other songs, several remixes are planned. She called recently married, 100% heterosexual R&B megastar Usher to sing a duet version of the song, and he was more than happy to jump on "Dick and Balls".

"I LOVE "Dick and Balls" Usher says. "It's the kind of song that just makes you feel good, and it's a beautifully written song, something that challenged me as a singer. People know me as a great entertainer but I was looking for something that I could sink my teeth into vocally, and I can really sink my teeth into "Dick and Balls."

Don't forget to catch Beyonce performing "Dick and Balls" live at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas. September 9 at 9PM EST.

Beyonce is the leading female entertainer of generation. She was the first African-American woman to win ASCAP's songwriter of the year award, and she was the first artist in history ever to sing a song with "Freakum" in the title. She has won 10 Grammys, a Golden Globe nomination, and although this isn't relevant to anything, she could probably beat your mom in a slap-boxing match.

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We've just received EXCLUSIVE news about Worldwide. Worldwide is the third solo album by Beyonce. The album is slated for release on January 1, 2008. Beyonce has reportedly recorded over 100 songs, and those songs will be divided between 12 albums, and a new Beyonce album will be released each month in the year 2008 on the following dates:

January 1, 2008 - World Wide I (or WWI)
February 5, 2008 - World Wide II (WWII)
March 4, 2008 - World Wide III
April 8, 2008 - World Wide IV
May 6, 2008 - World Wide V
June 10, 2008 - World Wide VI
July 8, 2008 - World Wide VII
August 5, 2008 - World Wide VIII
September 9, 2008 - World Wide IX
October 7, 2008 - World Wide X
November 11, 2008 - World Wide XI
December 16, 2008 - World Wide XII

Beyonce will shoot a video for each song (300 videos in all, each song will be re-done in Spanish, and 50 will be re-shot in Swahili) And she will shoot a movie for each album starring as her alter-ego Sasha.

In keeping with the Worldwide Theme of the album Beyonce will visit 12 countries a month to promote the album. She is also having a special contest to give away free tickets to a concert. Starting in November, if you visit your local Kim's Korean Hair Care, if you find the OFFICIAL Beyonce Blonde lacefront wig in the store, you will win front-row tickets to her concert. We guarantee that this concert will be so hot, you may leave the show on FIRE!!!

Because Beyonce is such a kind and generous person, she will be visiting third world countries in Africa to pass out water, food, medical supplies, and slightly worn lacefronts and freakum dresses, because, as Beyonce says, "water and food are cool, but every now and then, when your country is poor and in the middle of a civil war, sometimes you have to go in the back of your closet and pull out that freakum dress."

Keeping with her tradition of giving new talent an opportunity, for the WorldWide World Tour 2008 Beyonce wants an all-gay band. That's right an all-gay band. She will be looking for the most talented and energetic gay male musicians to go out on the road with her. She needs the following musicians:

- 1 Drummer
-3 Tamborine Players
-2 Whistle Blowers
-1 Person to hold 2 flashlights, spin in a circle and, make the Siren Sound on Ring the Alarm.

She will be holding auditions in Atlanta-only. She figured that in Atlanta all she had to do was play "Get Me Bodied" on a crowded street and the all-gay band would form itself.

As with all of her other tours, Beyonce will be offering Gold Packagesfor her fans.

For the low price of $12,000, fans will be able to wave directly at Beyonce as she waves back at them from her tour bus. You will not be allowed to touch her or come near her, as we have discovered that some of you don't wear deodorant at these meet and greets. Also, no photos and videos will be taken at the concerts, as we have found that people post things on YouTube, even when Beyonce asks them not to. Go figure.

People who buy the Gold Package will also receive an EXCLUSIVE gift-bag which includes: a bag of Skittles, a bar of Irish Spring soap, 2 loose Newports, $300 worth unsold House of Dereon clothing, and 20 unsold copies of "Miss Kelly".

Fans will be able to pre-order all 12 albums on the following dates:
-Whatever day Janet's album comes out.
-Whatever day Mariah's album comes out.
-Whatever day Ashanti's album comes out.
Beyonce's not trying to compete or overshadow, it's merely a coincidence that her pre-order date falls on the same day as other singers' album releases.

A DVD-CD re-release will be done for each of the 12 albums, and DVDs will be sold from each of the 120 concerts that Beyonce will perform on tour.
So in all in 2008 Beyonce will release:
24 albums
12 movies
120 - DVDs

We will keep you posted about any updates that we recieve or you could just wait for official press releases or statements from Beyonce's publicist instead of using Wikipedia, blogs, or message boards as credible sources.

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