Woman to Woman

Tina Knowles: Hello. May I speak to Ciara?

Ciara: This is Ciara. Who is this?

Tina Knowles: Ciara this is Tina. You might not know who I am, but I'm the mother of the reason why your album isn't coming out.


Tina Knowles: No need to excuse yourself sweetheart, we keepin' it nice and greasy up in this bitch...this is just straight girl talk. Woman-to-woman.

Ciara: Ok...

Tina Knowles: The reason I'm calling is because I'm throwing a party for Beyonce. It's to celebrate the success of her new album, and her new singles, the good reviews she getting for Cadillac Records, her other new movie, her upcoming world tour, the Spanish re-releases, the video anthology, and her new line of bedazzled tampons coming in 2009, and the fact that she's better than everybody at everything including but not limited to singing, dancing, acting, and kickboxing. I'm calling it the "She's The Shit" Party.

Ciara: I see...

Tina Knowles: I was calling to see if you would like to attend the party and I also wanted to try to get some ideas for the party. What kind of party did you throw for yourself when you were the shit?

Ciara: Um... Gee... I don't know.

Tina Knowles: Have you EVER been the shit?

Ciara: Ummm...probably...

Tina Knowles: When was your last hit single?

Ciara: Umm.. probably "Promise".

Tina Knowles:GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL! That is my JAM! I like to sip some of that Grey Goose, put that song on, and slow wind! Fuck what you heard...Miss Tina can still make it roll like some 24s honey...but no... I meant on the Hot 100. Y'all don't count "Deja Vu" as a hit and it went #1 on the R&B charts. I'm not counting "Promise"... I meant on the Hot 100.

Ciara: Probably "Goodies"...

Tina Knowles: "Goodies"? How long ago was that?

Ciara: 2004. That was a long time ago. Gas was cheap. The economy was good. And Usher was unmarried and relevant.

Tina Knowles: Oh... How did you celebrate that?

Ciara: I was dating Bow Wow at the time so he took me to Dave and Busters and then we went home and permed each other's hair.

Tina Knowles: Oh. The reason I asked was because I've been lurking around the internet and at seems that your stans are under the impression that you are the shit. They keep going on message boards, and YouTube, and iTunes, being generally ignorant towards my daughter.

Ciara: Well Miss Tina, I have no control over what my fans say. And for your information Beyonce had nothing to do with my album getting pushed back. I'm a very creative artist and I need more time to come up with cutting-edge concepts.

Tina Knowles: Oh yea? Here's a cutting-edge concept for you... HOW ABOUT YOU COME UP WITH AN ALBUM RELEASE DATE YOU HO!



Tina Knowles: I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm cranky cause my sugar is low, but Plies is about to pick me up and take me to the Olive Garden. Miss Tina is about to have UNLIMITED Salad AND Breadsticks up in this bitch! I'm a big fan of yours and I don't think you're a ho. I thought those pictures you took earlier this year were very classy... I wish I could toot my thang up on the cover of VIBE spread my cheeks, and show all 3 of my holes like you did...

Ciara: Ummm...thanks Miss Tina.

Tina Knowles: Are you coming to the party?

Ciara: Yea I'll be there.

Tina Knowles: Alright, take care yourself, my little sweetpea.

(Hangs up, dials another number)

Tina Knowles: Yes, may I speak to Miss Christina Aguilera?

Christina Aguilera: This is she. Who is this?

Tina Knowles: Hello, I'm a relevant career and image, I heard you've been looking for me...

Christina: Excuse me?

Tina Knowles: I'm just playing. What's hannin' Xtina... This is Tina Ann Knowles. What are you doing?

Christina: Oh, just breastfeeding the baby.

Tina Knowles: Is it safe to breastfeed with implants?

Christina: Oh, yea, it's totally safe.

Tina Knowles: Oh, I wouldn't know nothin about that honey, I got 100% Organic All-Natural Titty Meat over here. No Growth Hormones or nothin... and I still bring all the boys to the yard. But anyway...the reason why I'm calling you is because I wanted to invite you to a party I'm throwing a party for Beyonce. It's called the "She's the Shit Party" on account of her being the shit and what not... have you ever been the shit?

Christina: Well it's funny that you ask. When I first came out I was the shit runner-up behind Britney. Then tried to be edgy sex kitten and still ended up 3rd behind Britney and Beyonce. Now there's Beyonce, Britney, Rihanna, so I'm like 4th, and that's only if you take Pink and Mariah out of the equation. And if Kelly Clarkson releases and album, I might as well just stay home.

Tina Knowles: Oh. True... Are your fans aware of this? I've been lurking on the internet and some of them have been talking real greasy about the fruit of my loins, the light of life, and the writer of my checks. They've been all up on the Youtube, iTunes, Amazon, MTV.com, BET.com, AnimalPlanet.com, the NAACP's website, any place with a message board talking trash about Beyonce, saying Beyonce is this and that. Back where I come from if you talked about somebody's child that was a first-class ticket to a parking lot beatdown.

Christina: Well I am the voice of my generation...

Tina Knowles: Says who?

Christina: Well Rolling Stone magazine named me one of the best singer EVER. And I am a very pure artist who isn't afraid to try to things and take risks... and I'm like really deep... and I growl, and I name-checked Etta James way before Beyonce, and I scream and wave my hands around when I sing so I that means I have soul, and I'm the voice of my gener---,(sigh) can I be real for one minute?

Tina Knowles: Sure.

Christina: The reason I've pushed my album to next summer is because I saw the "Single Ladies" video and almost gave up on life. The truth is every night I put on the Beyonce Experience DVD and cry myself to sleep, so I need the stan support. Yes Beyonce is better than all of us at everything including, but not limited to singing, dancing, acting, martial arts, and rollerskating, but our delusional stans keep us going. They keep me us motivated. They buy our records. They pay for our titties. If it weren't for their delusions in thinking they we are actually better than Beyonce, then would be the point in having a career?

Tina Knowles: I understand...are you coming to the party?

Christina: Yea I'll be there.

Tina Knowles: Alright, take care yourself, my little Cajun hot wing.

(Hangs up, calls another number)

Tina Knowles: Hello, may I speak to Miss Britney Spears please?

Britney: Who is this?

Tina Knowles: IT'S TINA BITCH!

Britney: Oh, hi, Miss Tina how are you.

Tina Knowles: I'm fine, Chillin'. How's the new album?

Britney: I have a new album?

Tina Knowles: Yea... comes out this week. Britney. Can I axe you a question... woman to woman?

Britney: Sure.

Tina Knowles: WHAT THE FUCK WERE DOING ON MY TV SCREEN YESTERDAY? I started to reach through the TV and slap you to sleep but from the looks of it you were already sleep. What the fuck and/or hell were you doing?

Britney: I performed yesterday? I don't remember that.

Tina Knowles: It was to promote your new album. Why haven't you been performing at all the award shows like Beyonce?

Britney: Well my management said it would be best if I stay off the stage as much as possible, especially any stage with Sasha Fierce.

Tina Knowles: But you have a tour coming up.

Britney: Well, the theory is that anyone who will pay money to go to my concers has a lowered expectation of what a live performance is. And I can get away with a lot of things on stage in my own concerts that I couldn't get away on awards shows or any stage that Beyonce has performed on...so it's best that I save what little energy I have for my tour. If I fuck up on an awards show then I get laughed at. If I fuck up at my concerts I get paid. Even if I pass out on stage in a pool of my own vomit I still get a million a show.

Tina Knowles: True... Listen. I was just up on the Wikipedia vandazling Rihanna's page and inflating Beyonce's record sales, and I found that you have set quite a few records on the albums charts.

Britney: Really?

Tina Knowles: Yea. 4 Straight #1s. You even sold a Milli the first week. The highest first week sales of any chick in history. You was a bad mothafucka on the albums charts. I'm throwing Beyonce a "She's the Shit" party and I was wondering what kinda party did you throw back when you were the shit?


Tina Knowles: Umm... Hello?

Britney: I really don't remember that far back.

Tina Knowles: Really?

Britney: Yea, I've sniffed, snorted, and smoked anything that can fit into a pipe. I've lost brain cells all throughout Las Vegas.

Tina Knowles: Oh... You poor baby. Kevin must have put that thunder and lightning on yo' ass. Look, me and Beyonce and Solange and Frankie, Keyshia, and Neffie nem are going to a Mother-Daughter retreat to Las Vegas next week. You're more than welcome to come.

Britney: Mother-Daughter retreat?

Tina Knowles: Yea, that's white folk talk for Blackjack, margaritas, and big-dicked male skrippers. You tryna to roll with us? You can be my adopted daughter for the weekend, we can wear matching wigs.

Britney: Oh, that sounds like fun. I'm there.

Tina Knowles: Aiight, meet me at George Bush Airport. Bring your own spending money and liquor, I don't share.

Britney: Alright.

Tina Knowles: Alright, take care yourself, my little hamhock.

(Miss Tina hangs up, then dials another number)

Tina Knowles: Hello, may I speak to Miss Janet Jackson please?

Janet: Speaking.

Tina Knowles: Hey Janet. How's your migraines?

Janet: I'm feeling much better thank you for asking.

Tina Knowles: Where are you?

Janet: Umm just got back from Dubai with Jermaine. We had a good time. We rode camels in the desert.

Tina Knowles: Wow. 2 jackasses on a camel. Send me pictures. Listen I was throwing a party for Beyonce called the "She's the Shit Party" in celebration of her being the shit on a stick. I wanted to invite you and your pet weasel and I also wanted get some ideas. I wanted to know what kinda party did you throw for yourself back when you were the shit?

Janet: Wow... gee...

Tina Knowles: Do you remember that far back? Let me help you out. Don Cornelius was still hosting Soul Train. The Cosby Show was on NBC's Thursday nights at 8 followed by A Different World at 8:30...

Janet: Wow...ummm...

Tina Knowles: Jesse was still keeping hope alive...

Janet: Ummm...

Tina Knowles: The reason I was lurking on your fansites and noticed that your stans have been speaking a lot of garbage about my child. Do your stans know that there's a new sheriff in town?

Janet: No Ma'am.

Tina Knowles: Do your stans know that Beyonce runs ALL of this shit?

Janet: No Ma'am.

Tina Knowles: Do your stans know that hating doesn't increase your relevance or record sales?

Janet: No Ma'am.

Tina Knowles: Do your stans know that it's not 1993?

Janet: No Ma'am.

Tina Knowles: Do your stans know that the party is pretty much over?

Janet: No Ma'am.

Tina Knowles: Would you mind telling them that I don't appreciate the hate thrown on my child and that if they continue to hate then I will send them all a mean Creole computer virus, the likes of which Norton Anti-Virus has never seen.

Janet: I can't do that Miss Tina. I need all the stan support I can get. See I was a widely respected icon, then I fucked it up trying to do what the the fast girls do. I didn't trust that my talent alone would carry me through. So now I have to fight to get my crown back. Yes Beyonce is better than all of us at everything including, but not limited to singing, dancing, acting, and wind surfing, but we ALL need deluded stans and I'm one T-Pain collaboration away from a comeback. I can't give up now.

Tina: OK. Sorry for to go off, I just get real sensitive about my offspring.

Janet: I understand. Am I still invited to Vegas this week?

Tina: Girl, we pushed it back to next week, Beyonce has to carry Jay to the doctor. His hip gave out again.

Janet: Oh, ok.

Tina Knowles: Alright, take care yourself, my little pig foot.

(Miss Tina hangs up, and dials another number)

Tina Knowles: May I speak to Sandra Rose please?

Sandra Rose: Speaking.

Tina Knowles: Hi, Sandra. Did you get my check?

Sandra Rose: Yes, it just came in the mail.

Tina Knowles: Per our argreement, you get $2500 for everytime you mention Beyonce's name. And please step it up a little. You're slipping. We were trying to sell a million the first week. You need to step up the promotion. There was a time when you used to be creative. You remember that? I remember. You just didn't care how low you stooped. But now... I don't know Sandy Mae... you getting soft.

Sandra Rose: I'm trying Tina, honest I am, but it's hard to find ways to mention Beyonce's name everyday.

Tina Knowles: Oh... well here's what you do. Go to Crunk and Disoderly and lurk in the comment section. There can be a story posted that says "Family of 6 Killed in Tragic Car Accident" wait 5 minutes and see don't some bitch pop in the comments section saying "I bet they were listening to Beyonce before they crashed. I can't stand Beyonce!" It never fails. Those folks have such creative and innovative ways of bringing Beyonce's name into conversations that have absoulutely nothing to do with her. So go to the C+D comment section and get some ideas. Plus, I heard that's where that boy that runs Beyonceitis steals all his swag from.

Sandra Rose: Really?

Tina Knowles: Yea, that's what I heard. You gotta step your game up Sandra your site is very important to us and our promotion of Beyonce. Your site serves a demographic that is very important to us.

Sandra Rose: And what demographic is that?

Tina Knowles: Our studies have showed that your readers are mostly middle-aged women who have just learned how to use a computer. Also your site caters to women in their 20's and 30's who think $20 + a Citi Trendz gift card= A Luxury Shopping spree. Your readers are very important to us. Almost as important as people with actual style and taste.

Sandra Rose: Ummm...Thanks Tina... Hey I have a question?

Tina Knowles: Yea?

Sandra Rose: Do you think people know that my site is a satirical site, that I'm a spoof of Uncle Ruckus from the Boondocks, the self-hating black person who hates any postive or powerful people of Color.

Tina Knowles: I think people know... I mean, it's so obvious.

Sandra Rose: I know... I don't see how people don't know that my site is a satire. I mean... I look EXACTLY like Uncle Ruckus... and I post about Beyonce ALL the time. And I talk all the time about "REAL" black people yet all I do is degrade other black people. And there's nothing really original about my site. I mean any person with any common sense or logic would know that I'm joking. It's all satire. Do you think people know that I'm really a big Beyonce fan.

Tina Knowles: I think they know. They're just playing along with you.

Sandra Rose: Do you think people know that I love Beyonce's music?

Tina Knowles: I think they know.

Sandra Rose: Do you think people know that I would love to get Beyonce butt-ball naked on a leather couch, and take some strawberries, and...

Tina Knowles: Calm down Sandra. That's my child you're talking about. Don't make me double back-slap you.


Sandra Rose: Sorry.

Tina Knowles: It's ok. Alright, take care yourself, my little... um...well... I don't have a food pet name for you. I try not to think about you while I eat.

Sandra Rose: I understand.

Tina Knowles: Alright, take care yourself, my little... ummm..."stuff left over after they make hot dogs"...

(Tina hangs up and dials another number)

Tina Knowles: May I speak to Rihanna please?

Rihanna: Ello?

Tina Knowles: (disguised voice) Yea, this is the Free Clinic, and I'm sorry to have to tell you about this... but ALL of your tests came back positive.

Rihanna: NO!

Tina Knowles: Yep. You got the crabs.

Rihanna: NO!

Tina Knowles: Yep. And worms.

Rihanna: NO!

Tina Knowles: Yep. And you're pregnant.

Rihanna: NO!

Tina Knowles: Yep. And you got something called Ear Herpes which I have never even heard of until today...

Rihanna: NO!

Tina Knowles: Yep. So I'm going to need a list of all your sexual partners so they can be contacted.

Rihanna: Starting from when?

Tina Knowles: From birth until now.

Rihanna: Oh, well, let's see... Chris...

Tina Knowles: Brown?

Rihanna: Chris Brown, Chris Bridges, Chris Webber, Chris Angel, Kriss Kross...

Tina Knowles: Oh. Go on...

Rihanna: Kanye, Justin Timberlake

Tina Knowles: Say WORD?

Rihanna: Ray-J, The Dream, Kanye, Pharrell, The Dream

Tina Knowles: You already said The Dream.

Rihanna: It was twice.

Tina Knowles: (sigh) Listen sweetie. Lesson #1 in Fucking for Tracks. When fucking for tracks you are not obligated to fuck again once you receive the track. That's why it's called fucking for tracks. You fuck FOR the track. One you fuck and you get the track that's the end of that business transaction.

Rihanna: Really. Nobody told me...

Tina Knowles: It's ok... go on.

Rihanna: Ne-Yo.

Tina Knowles: Was he the top or the bottom?

Rihanna: What?

Tina Knowles: Nevermind. Go on.

Rihanna: Let's see. All of the New Jersey Nets. All of Day 26, Half of the original Danity Kane.

Tina Knowles: Back up... Umm... ALL of Day26?

Rihanna: Yep.

Tina Knowles: Q Too?

Rihanna: Yep.

Tina Knowles: I know good and hell well you didn't...ummm... I have a question, it's off the record and just betwixt us girls... I've had a thing for Willie for the longest...he could get in my Dereon thong right now without a lot of conversation, persuasion, or negotiaion. Tell me, what that thang look like?

Rihanna: Umm... I don't really remember. Once you've had one dick you've had them all.

Tina Knowles: Ain't that the truth... go on...

Rihanna: Umm...T.I., Lil Wayne... Jay-Z


Rihanna: Is this Tina?

Tina Knowles: MISS TINA! And you a damn liar from the pits of Dereon Hell...my son in law ain't never laid a hand on you. He don't associate with loose women.

Rihanna: Well I know that's a lie cause he associates with Beyonce!

Tina Knowles: Your mouth just wrote a check that your narrow ass can't cash. Wait till I get off this phone! I'm riding by your house and going to the trunk of my car.

(Tina hangs up and dials another number)

Blockbuster Manager: Thank you for calling Blockbuster this is Tootie how may I help you?

Tina Knowles: Yes, is Ashanti working tonight?

Blockbuster Manager: Well I just came from out the backroom, and she wasn't there, maybe she's at her other job.

Tina Knowles: Oh. Ok.

(Hangs up. Dials another number)

Kelly Rowland: Thank you for calling Chilli's this is Kelly how may I help you?

Tina Knowles: Yea. Kelly, is Ashanti working the grill tonight?

Kelly Rowland: Yes, hold on. SHEQUOIYA! PHONE!

Ashanti: Hello.

Tina Knowles: Good evening Ashanti, sorry to disturb you at work and I know your Boost pay-as-you-go minute situation isn't really jumping off this month so I'm going to keep this brief. I was going through my internet records and I have found that your stans are one of the leading Beyonce haters on the internet, 2nd only behind Janet and Christina stans.

Ashanti: That's terrible.

Tina Knowles: Yea, you our studies have found that the less releavant an artist is the more their stans hate on Beyonce. The exception to this is Rihanna, because although she is very relevant at the moment her stans still contribute a substantial amount of Beyonce hate to the internet, but we'll see how relevant she is with a 50 year old woman's foot attached to her, cause when I see that trick I'm I'm breaking my Dereon zebra-skin stiletto heels off in her ass, right at the ankle.

Ashanti: Well, Tina I have no control over what my stans say or do, and although Beyonce is better than me at everything and makes it hard for all female entertainers and is part of the reason why I'm working in a food court, she is not the only reason why our careers have fallen off. Perhaps my stans and the stans of other less successful artists should be flooding record execs inboxes and voicemails instead of Beyonce message boards and YouTube videos because at the end of the day it's the record excecs who make the decision to stop promoting our albums or stop our albums from coming out at all. Yes Beyonce is better than all of us at everything, but sometimes our record labels shut us down before we even have a fair chance to compete with her.

Tina Knowles: You know what... you're right. You're alright with me Ashanti, I don't care what Solange says about you behind your back.

Ashanti: Wait, what did she...

Tina Knowles: Nevermind. Would you like to come to Beyonce's "I'm The Shit" Party?

AShanti: Sure, do you need me to bring anything.

Tina Knowles: Just some of them Chilli's baby back ribs, some ice, and your valet jacket in case we need you to park cars.

Ashanti: You mean I get to hang out with Beyonce?

Tina Knowles: Sure.

Ashanti: Oh BOY! Do you think she'll let me be in her 'Diva' video?

Tina Knowles: Hold on, let's call her on 3way.

(calls Beyonce)

Tina Knowles: Beyonce, can Ashanti be in your "Diva" video?


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To Answer Any Questions That You May Have...

Due to my "controversial" 86-page outburst yesterday, today's post is in video format. I hope it clears up any confusion you may have.

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Why Kanye Is Right

Today's entry is about a young lady. She had supermodel looks and a couple of hits under her belt, but she had reached the point in her career where she had something to prove. She was in need of a new image and a sound strong enough to prove herself as a viable music superstar. So she worked with the best producers money could buy, cultivated a sexy image, and was ready to unleash her new album and new image on the world. When it was time to pick her first single she picked an infectious and catchy tune with a guest verse from Jay-Z.

It had a hard beat but didn't skimp on the melody. The song was undeniably modern yet undeniably timeless.

This is about Beyonce's "Crazy In Love"


It's about Rihanna's "Umbrella"

Actually it's about both of those songs.

Two very different artists.

Two very similar, yet very different paths to superstardom.

Both Rihanna and Beyonce have long been touted as rivals, but it wasn't until Kanye West said that Rihanna was the best thing to happen to Beyonce that it became official. It was that thing you were thinking but didn't dare say out loud. And you know what... he might be right.

In terms of actual natural musical ability, they are not even on the same level. Beyonce is a world-class performer, with a powerhouse voice who has dominated charts and stages all over the world for the last decade. You can go to any hair salon, nail salon, church choir, or WIC office and round up about 40 girls who can outsing Rihanna on their worst day.

So because of this, I imagine that after years of hardwork, sacrifices, and proving herself as a dynamic performer and artist, it had to be a gigantic slap in the face for Beyonce to wake up one day and find that her biggest competition was a young tart with the vocal range of a dial tone and stage presence of a cardboard box. Beyonce probably thought "Umbrella" was a fluke. But once Rihanna-mania spread she may have chased Jay around the house with a skillet and cursed him for giving Rihanna the song. 6 millions records, and 6 hit singles later, Beyonce must have felt like this was all an awful nightmare. A nightmare where everybody is tone-deaf and blind, and Rihanna is the Queen of Pop.

Unfortunately, it's not a dream. Rihanna may or may not be the Queen of Pop, but if were going off popularity and worldwide success then Rihanna is the certainly the Queen of the Pop Charts. In the digital-download age of 2008 it doesn't take as much effort to have a big hit as it did 10 years ago. And we learned long ago that you don't need strong musical ability to sell records. Milli Vanilli scored 3 #1 hits on the Hot 100. There are a plethora of elements that go into making a hit record. A strong voice helps, but is not required. As a matter of fact the best vocalists in the world won't get the best productions, mainly because most producers don't want big voices drowining out their beats.

Beyonce is the exception to the rule because she can effortlessly switch her style up. Songs like "Speechless" and "Dangerously in Love" are what gets her praise from critics and legends, but songs like "Upgrade U" and "Get Me Bodied" show that she can ride a beat better than most rappers. That versatility is what helped her transition from Destiny's Child's frontwoman to worldwide megastar.

But being a megastar has its costs.

When you are an internationally known pop AND R&B star like Beyonce, there is an unfair expectation to please ALL of those fans. Millions of fans with millions of different tastes and life experiences, all of them wanting to be satisfied. There is always a huge chance that whatever music you put out will disappoint at least some of your fanbase. Beyonce seems to have found the solution. She has sawed herself in half. There's Beyonce, the person, the daughter, the friend, the wife, who loves hard and deep. Then there's Sasha Fierce, the hypersexual, hyperconfident glamazon who could give a fuck about what you think. Two different albums, two different styles, one artist. "If I Were a Boy" seems to be aimed at winning back those pop-inclined and/or overseas fans who left her "B'Day" party a little too early. "Single Ladies" seems to be saying "I have not left my R&B roots, I am not a sellout, please don't boo me at the BET awards."

Rihanna on the other hand didn't really need to hide behind an alter ego to be comfortable with her on-stage sexuality. Her videos and on-stage attire clearly say "My name is Rihanna, I'm not afraid. Look at my crotch."

If it seems as though Rihanna is more daring, bold, or experimental than Beyonce, it's because she didn't have as much to lose. When she released "Good Girl, Gone Bad" there wasn't a "Rihanna Sound" or "Rihanna Image" or anything she was known for. She didn't have a large fan base to appease or disappoint. She was in many ways a brand new artist at a time when people were searching for the Beyonce antidote. Beyonce had already slaughtered the careers of other R&B singers, so we all wondered who would be Beyonce's biggest competition.

Honestly we didn't think the antidote would be Rihanna even though "Umbrella", the video, was a very powerful statement. It was the type of groundbreaking imagery that MTV awards were originally designed for. It belongs in a music video time capsule, representing the best in female music video iconography. Alongside a number of Madonna and Janet videos, and just after "Crazy In Love". Timeless music videos which enhanced the song, re-introduced the artist, and changed the way in which music videos are made and viewed. On the other hand, Umbrella, the song, while also an undeniable classic, demands nothing vocally of Rihanna that could not be delivered by Beyonce, Brandy, Ciara, Ashanti, Christina Milian, or Cassie. And the same can be said of most, if not all of Rihanna's songs. So is it wrong to be a fan of imagery rather than artistry? No. Rihanna is not the first artist to get away with this. And won't be the last. Sometimes it's not at all about the talent. Sometimes it's simply about being the right person, at the right place, at the right time.

After Umbrella blew up MTV deemed Rihanna the "new" queen of R&B. The main problem with that is the fact that up until "Umbrella", Rihanna only had one significant hit on the R&B charts, and she didn't go #1 on the R&B charts until "Take A Bow" which was more or less "Irreplaceable (Part II)". Suddenly, from just one video, and one song, Rihanna becomes the new queen of R&B. It wasn't a fair assesmment. Not just because of Beyonce, but because the word "R&B" only comes into the equation because of the color of Rihanna's skin. "She's black, so she must be R&B. Right?" Rihanna was probably more dumbfounded by this than anyone. Appealing to R&B audiences was ever a top priority for her so she seemed genuinely shocked when won Best R&B Female artist (over Beyonce) at the American Music Awards last year for an album that was mostly dance-pop with a slight rock edge. When she performed at the BET Awards she seemed to be thinking "Ok...What am I doing here?"

She may have been confused, but she capitalized off this confusion. White fans may have felt hip for finally liking the R&B music Beyonce tried to sell them, even if it really wasn't R&B. Black fans who knew better may have felt eclectic and versatile for liking something other than Beyonce.

Which is not to say "Good Girl, Gone Bad" isn't good. Some people call Rihanna a singles artist, but the fact is those great singles had to have come off of a great album. With Good Girl, Gone Bad, Rihanna's hired help undoubtedly created a compelling record, some would say more compelling than any of Beyonce's records. They've definitely created an artist who can take on Beyonce on the charts. On stage however is a different story.

Beyonce does not perform onstage as much she does attack the stage. Her shows are futuristic funk/soul revues. Think Ike and Tina's old shows but with a larger budget and a Versace wardrobe. But if you take away the budget, the wardrobe, and the spectacle you still have a natural all-around entertainer who is eager to please and can sing and move at the same time.

All of Rihanna's performances are basically high fashion photoshoots with back-up dancers. Spontaniety and enthusiasm are not important. For most of her promo tour I thought she had the Umbrella on stage to prop her up because she was putting herself to sleep. Most times it looks as though being onstage is getting in the way of about 76 other things she'd rather be doing. My favorite performance of hers was her take on Madonna's "Vogue" at Fashion Rocks. But she didn't sing live, and for most of the performance she was either standing in one spot or being carried around by her dancers as if she couldn't be bothered to use her legs. I guess for a song named after such a high-energy movement I expected well... high energy and movement. Basically what you have is a dance artist, who has become hugely popular from dance music, but who can't really dance.

Does this make Beyonce a better entertainer?

Well, that depends on what your definition of a great performance is. There are quite a few people who think Britney Spears can outperform both Beyonce and Rihanna (we should devote a whole week to those people). Clearly these people have different opinions on what makes a good performance. Snatch a 13 year old girl out of a Hannah Montana concert, and send her to a Beyonce concert and see what happens. All of Sasha Fierce's soul shouting, gyrating, and gospel wailing may scare the shit out of them. But Rihanna's narcoleptic peformances have pyro, catchy songs, and funky outfits to distract you from her shortcomings and it may be the best thing in the world to a person with no real concept of the history of soul music, performance and instrumentation.

At the end of the day it's about personal taste. I can post reviews from Beyonce's concerts and compare them to Rihanna's and it really wouldn't matter. As Beyonce's husband (and Rihanna's mentor) said "Men Lie, Women Lie, Numbers Don't." And clearly live performances are not that important to a Rihanna fan, so I can post a million positive Beyonce reviews and it won't hold any weight. At the end of the day
numbers are what's always going to be true deciding factor, and Rihanna has strong numbers on her side.

Which is not to say that Beyonce doesn't care about numbers. It's just that Rihanna and Beyonce seem to have different philosophies on how to market themselves to the public.

Beyonce has let it known that she wants to be an icon, and she has certainly earned the title. Her success has come after years of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears under her belt, grinding it out with Destiny's Child for 15 years, losing Star Search, and working tirelessly by perfoming on any and every stage just to get a record deal.

Rihanna, on the other hand, appeared in one pageant/talent show pageant before getting a record deal.

So why does Rihanna at times seem more appealing?

To steal a quote from Family Guy, Beyonce "insists upon herself." She's GOING to be an icon whether you like or not. And you WILL like her and you WILL respect her and you WILL accept her greatness, and you WILL buy the deluxe DVD edition, and the 2 movies, and the world tour, and whatever products she's endorsing this week.

Rihanna, on the other hand could care less about being an icon. She just seems to breeze effortlessly from style to style like a little girl playing dress-up.

Beyonce is determined to go down in the history books.

Rihanna's attitude toward her career seems to be "Sure, why not?"

"So Rihanna, you wanna go to America and record an album?

"Sure, why not?"

"Hey I got this song called "Umbrella" Mary didn't want it and Britney didn't want it. You wanna record it?

"Sure, why not?"

You wanna cut all your hair off?

"Sure, why not?"

"You wanna wear this G-string on stage with 2 stickers on your nipples?

"Sure, why not?"

Another reason that Rhianna-mania has been able to spread is because of the level of information known about the two. We know everything about Beyonce, or we THINK we know everything about Beyonce. She has actually divulged very little about her personal life. We do know who her parents are, who her sister is, we know that Jay was the first person to sample her Creole Catfish, we even know her assistant's name (wassup Angie). This all amounts to over 50 million pages of gossip, rumors, and innuendo which can be overwhelming even for the strongest Beyonce stan.

We don't know a lot about Rihanna. All we know is that she's from Barbados and she likes Chris Brown's balls. There's not a lot of extra information distracting us from her music, so it's a little easier to enjoy it.

Everything Beyonce does and says is second-guessed, chopped, and screwed. And she IS heavily resented because she has made it very difficult for other R&B artists to sustain their careers. So some people may like Rihanna just because after all the artists who lost their battles with Beyonceitis, Rihanna was the first person to shake Beyonce up. Most of the negative attention Beyonce gets is not fair but I'm assuming that she has already learned that life isn't fair. If life were fair then it would be just about the talent and Rihanna would be Beyonce's stylist, not her musical competition. But sometimes life just isn't fair, and if it inspires Beyonce to be a better artist and entertainer then I say we should be grateful.

So, in many ways Rihanna has probably helped Beyonce. Was she the best thing to ever happen to Beyonce? Maybe. Do Beyonce stans hate Rihanna? No. Quite a number of us like her and the music she is apart of. Beyonce stans don't hate Rihanna, we just hate the fact that we live in a world that doesn't know the difference between a Beyonce and a Rihanna.

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Now we all know about the rumors in the past about Beyonce being jealous of Rihanna's almost instant superstar status. Rumors of beef between the two flew everywhere. Especially when Rihanna blew up this year, after getting #1 singles, selling millions of records, getting endorsement deals, opening for Kanye, and finding new and creative ways to use a swoop bang and black hair dye. Of course, the Knowles camp played the denial game to the tee, insisting that there's no rivalry between Beyonce and Rihanna. However now, Rihanna's best friend has called out Beyonce for not dropping everything she had to do to go be with Rihanna last week when she fell ill in concert in Australia.

How evil can someone be?

Shame on you Beyonce! (angry face)

This is what one of Rihanna's friends wrote on Myspace:

So i wasnt going to write about this but it is really really bugging me. Last week Rihanna fell ill at her concert. She walked off the stage clutching her stomach. We didn't know what was wrong, we thought she was on her way to the Upper Room to be with her Lord Jesus in that big Umbrella factory in the sky. We were so worried. It turns out she had a severe case of the squirts. Explosive, nasty, smelly, wet, diarrhea. She was dripping on the stage. Chris Brown Damn near slipped and broke his neck on a puddle of doo-doo drops. I told that girl you can't eat everybody's potato salad...but I digress. After taking a nice long dump, she was feeling fine 5 minutes later, and she was back on stage singing flatly and dancing awkwardly. But Beyonce does not care. She did not call, text, or email asking if Rihanna was ok. Beyonce is selfish. All she cares about is her, her career, her family, her husband, her fans, and the people she helps with her chartiable contributions. She doesn't give a damn about Rihanna. Beyonce is so heartless. For all she knows Rihanna could be on her way to glory, but I guess she has better things to do.

Millions of Rihanna's fans and peers left her messages asking if she was feeling well. Everybody EXCEPT Beyonce has reached out to Rihanna asking if she was feeling well.

Here's a list of ALL the people who called her or left her messages:

President Obama
First Lady Obama
Sasha Obama (I hung up on her just because her name is Sasha but I appreciated the thought)
4 of the 5 Pussycat Dolls
The Remaining Members of Danity Kane
Craig Mack
Gladys Knight
The remaining Pips
Dionne Warwick
Arsenio Hall
Eddie Murphy
Tia Mowry (Tamera was busy, but she probably would have called if she wasn't, unlike Beyonce)
Parliment (Funkadelic had a valid excuse)
Stevie Wonder
Sarah Palin
Brenda LaTisha, Linda, Felicia
Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia
Teresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki
Lisa, Veronica, Karen, Vicky
Cookie (well I met her in a ice cream parlor) [1]
John McCain
Little Richard
T.O.N.Y. (even he called and you know something is wrong with his phone)
Janet Jackson
Jermaine Jackson
Michael Jackson
LaToya Jackson
Jessie Jackson
Randy Jackson
Grace Jones
Flavor Flav
The ENTIRE 1, 2, 3, season cast of Flavor of Love
LL Cool J
Al Jarreau
Whitney Houston
Soulja Boy
Soulja Girl
FeFe Dobson (and you would think she would be mad!)
Young Dro
Young Jeezy
Young House Arrest
Young Child Support Check
Lil Wayne
Lil Boosie
Lil Jon
Lil Pepperspray

and many, many, more.

Perhaps I should have been by Rihanna's side making sure she was ok instead using this time to try to go online and throw salt on Beyonce. I mean, it's not like Rihanna and Beyonce are best friends, but I don't care. When Beyonce got word that Rihanna sprained her asshole from shitting, THE FIRST thing she should have done was pack her wig bag, fly to Australia and be at Rihanna's bedside with flowers, balloons, teddy bears, and a bowl of chicken noodle soup (with a Goddamn soda on the side).

This just pisses me off. Once again thanks to everyone who has been there for us. Thanks to the people who are genuinely worried about Rihanna's bowels, and sorry if i offended any of Beyonce fans by writing this but i just couldn’t keep sitting back and let this opportunity to hate on Beyonce pass.

Wow. If this ish is true, dude does have a point. If it's false, oh well I posted it anyway. This is a blog who cares about facts?

Shame on you Beyonce. Shame, Shame, Shame!


(Yep...I pretty much ripped this from YBF and changed some words. As much shit as YBF has stolen from BeyonceWorld, I think this evens it out.)

[1] Name that tune!

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November 4th 2008


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And Now A Moment in Black History...

First and foremost, I HAVE to remind you to vote. Vote! Vote! Vote! If you can hate on Beyonce for six hours a day then you should be able to spare an hour or less to voice your opinion in something that actually has an effect on your life and your future. VOTE!

With that said I have a brief history lesson for you.

A couple of hundred years ago, it was illegal for slaves (African Americans) to know how to read. And if "massah" found out you could read, you got an all-expenses paid trip to the Upper Room.

Hundreds of years of fighting and struggling later we are free to be as literate, intelligent, and informed as we want to be, but if it's not on a message board or a Beyonce CD booklet some of you dumb dickheads REFUSE to read it.

You'll count the number of paragraphs and say "Nope...I'm not reading all that..."

I could be giving out directions to get free cars filled with hundred dollar bills, and you wouldn't know it if it wasn't in the first sentence.

Our ancestors would weep.


I can't force you to be literate so today's post is in video format.

For the next few weeks we will be celebrating the Best of Sasha Fierce.

I don't have words for you dumb journalists who have taken this Beyonce/Sasha thing too far...

I don't have the strength today. I'm kinda stressed. A little sad. Still a lil horny. Unlike Aretha I CAN'T find anyone willing to touch my body... well I can, but I have standards. I just can't give the goodies away randomly... I'm a classy ho...

But I digress...

Back to Beyonce.

I like Beyonce.


What's the difference?

Beyonce will give you a ride to the club.

Sasha brings a change of shoes in case shit jumps off in the club.

Beyonce sends bail money.

Sasha is sitting in jail with you.

Beyonce waits until you come home from work to talk.

Sasha comes down to your job, acts a fool and has to be escorted out by security.

Beyonce breaks up with you but still wants to be friends.

Sasha breaks all the windows out your car.

Beyonce sips expensive champagne and eats at only the finest restaurants.

Sasha sneaks liquor and hot wings into the movie theater.

You get the picture?

Today's entry was "inspired" by Pop Up Video. For those of you who only get BET on your Comcast cable plan, Pop-Up Video was a show on VH1 that featured little-known trivia about music videos. So I decided to do a Pop-Up Video for Sasha videos giving you "facts" that even the most ignorantly devoted stan didn't know.

The first video in our "Best of Sasha" Video Series is her classic Destiny's Child performance of Cater 2 U performance from the 2005 BET Awards.

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And Now A Word From Celestine...

Hello children. This is your homegirl and sister-in-Christ Miss Tina. I want to take this time and remind you about the importance of voting.

This is a very important time in our history, you have the power to affect the world and it's important that you make your voices heard...so get up and vote for my child on 106 and Park! RIGHT NOW!

This week I've been chilling a lil bit. I have been at home this week nursing a knee injury. I was trying to do that move in "Single Ladies" the one where my baby gets down and starts slinging her cooch around...

(my son-in-law can't handle all that Creole Kitty!)

So I got up on the coffee table, tried to sling my stuff around, fell off the damn coffee table and fucked my knee caps up all to pieces, so I have been at home recuperating... eating Cheetos, drinking Hennessy and watching Can't Turn Hoes into Real Housewives of Atlanta on Bravo (get into it!).

I'm very proud of both of my girls right now. Solange is overseas touring with Miss Alicia Keys, promoting her album, and Beyonce is about to start promoting her album. Beyonce is planning her promo tour right now and it's good that she is so famous and in-demand that she has to say "No" to certain things. Back in the day we had to beg people to let Beyonce and Destiny's Child perform, and they would sing wherever there was a stage, shit, Matthew would have booked them at a Ku Klux Klan rally if it would have sold a couple of records. But times have changed, and now Beyonce can sell a couple of hundred thousand just off her name alone. She can do that because she's earned it. But you still hate on her. I get tired of people hating on Beyonce for no reason. It's ok to hate... but if you're going to hate, be an intelligent hater. Don't be an irrational hater.

Irrational haters go on YouTube watch a Beyonce video for 5 minutes then say shit like "That sucks"

Oh word? It took you 5 minutes to determine whether or not it sucked? You sat through the whole damn video... did you think it would get better during the last 2 seconds?

Irrational haters waste hours typing thesis papers on movies that don't exist. (Rational hater would have done more research, but irrational haters CAN'T WAIT for an opportunity to hate)

Irrational haters say things like "Beyonce is Overexposed" while their favorite artist flops on every chart around the world. They are so busy hating that they forgot to buy the albums. :(

I ain't got no time for irrational haters.

I ain't got no time for hating ass bi-polar ass Faux Fox News reporters who don't know how they feel about Beyonce.

I ain't got no time for no monkey-mouthed, hypocritical ass photojournalists afraid to leave their house who spend all day fantasizing about bumping vaginas with Monica while T.I. dangles his sack on their forehead.

(Yes I said it! You wanna do something about it? You know where I live at! Come on down to Houston and get this ass-whooping. You can try to call the police to pull me off yo' ass but we don't get good cell phone reception on Hadley Street!!!)

And please don't say things like: "Everybody I know hates Beyonce..." that's like a crackhead saying "Everybody I know says it's ok to smoke crack. THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HANG OUT WITH OTHER CRACKHEADS YOU DUMB ASS! If you're a hater chances are you hang out with other haters and all a hater needs is just one other hater to co-sign, especially if that hater has a blog.

I'm a classy broad and I don't get into beefing. Everybody is entitled to their opinions, but some of what you say about my children would have been fighting words back in the day, and if I wasn't such a fuckin' lady I'd meet you out in the parking lot and lay hands on you...but I ain't got time for that. I'm thinking of opening up a Dereon Charm School of Etiquette to teach some of you trick-ass hoes how to have tact and class... because I ALWAYS try to conduct myself in manner befitting a true lady of Dereon.

Oh, And Aretha you got but one more time to pop off at the mouth about my firstborn... and me and Tina Turner will ride past your house in her tour bus and the wigs will come off, and the pistols will come out...

If you haven't noticed I'm tired of misdirected hate.

Ciara was up on the radio talking about how she felt about Beyonce's song "If I Were a Boy" which has a similar TITLE to her song "Like A Boy"... she was careful about what she said...which was smart of her... I can look at Ciara and tell she knows what a good ass-whoopin' feels like, it has taken her damn near 5 years to find a weave that works for her and I would hate to have Beyonce and Solange ride by her house and snatch a significant chunk of her hair from out her scalp.

Ciara did the right thing by keeping her mouth shut, but it seems like she was confused as to whether it was ok to talk greasy about Beyonce on the radio. So to clear up any confusion I have created a Hater Chart. This basically tells artists if it's ok for them to hate on Beyonce or not:

The green circle means you have the green light to hate on Beyonce.

The yellow circle means you can hate on Beyonce but only under certain conditions.

The red circle means if you even think of hating on Beyonce you'll get your shit split.

This applies to artists and stans of those artists.

Please post this on your message boards and blogs, and when these haters start to jump stupid...show them the chart.

This is usually the part of my show where I answer some of my mail and give advice...but today I need YOUR advice. I am dating someone very special. I'm not one of these tramps who go around bragging and naming names, and putting their biznazz all out in the skreet so I won't tell you who he is, I'll just say that he's a rapper and he is Plies. I told myself I wouldn't date another rapper after I broke up with Lil Wayne last summer, but I said to myself "Tina Ann, take a 2nd chance." So I did. So me and Plies went to the picture show last Friday, went to dinter, walked around, talked, laughed, and had a good time before he went back on tour. And before you start thinking nasty thoughts, nothing sexual happened. My goodies stayed in the jar...you know why?... cause I'm a LADY! So anyway we've been texting each other all week while he is on the road, but he hasn't mentioned anything about a 2nd date. How do I know if he is interesting in me or if he just wants to be text buddies... (I'm too old to be anybody's text buddy.)

I told myself I'm not trying to get married again. If I do it would have to be a good man, intelligent, ambitious, sensitive yet strong. He would have to be good with kids (Solange is a handful, and Beyonce plays with matches) and he better have thunder and lightning in his pants...(if any of you ladies know what I'm talking about take your wigs off and swing em in the air.)

Anyway... I really like him, and it's getting cold outside, and I need somebody to snuggle up with for the winter. I got $865,000 worth of Dereon Lingerie in my basement gone to waste cause I ain't got a man... and I don't know how he feels about me, and I'm to afraid to ask. Part of me feels like if he didn't like me he wouldn't text me all day...but the other part of me says if he REALLY liked it he would have put a ring on it and booked a 2nd date. I don't know...


If anybody can give me some good advice please call me, fax me, or drop it off in the comment section...it's a matter of extreme importance... my first middle-aged love affair.

I'll talk to you later...In the meantime...Be safe, keep it clean, and when in doubt ask yourself... What would Tina do?

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If I Were A Blogger...

I really don't consider myself a "blogger" per se. I don't get paid for it. Haven't met that many famous people. Don't get any sex, or free clothes out of this. But if I were a blogger what would separate me from the rest is the fact that I will openly admit that I lurk on BeyonceWorld... well apprently they are tired of you (that's right YOU) bloggers taking pictures and information that they copied WITHOUT giving them credit. I'm pasting a post made today at BeyonceWorld. They copy and paste my shit all the time so I hope they don't mind me copying this letter.

Here is the letter typed by "goldeneyez1".

(The views and opinions of this letter do not represent the views and opinions of WigCrypt and blog and blogger names have been removed)



How do you claim to have "exclusive" content, yet all you do is come on Beyonce's fanboard and take articles that other members researched. This thread is to call all of you out. You make it seem like you thought of these original ideas, when you take the same thread topic and turn it into an exlusive [sic] "blog post" of your own. It's ridiculous. You do it to get hits, yet you are stealing ideas from the people who are real fans. Stop being lazy and trying to pass off this work as your own. On top of that, stop acting like you are throwing shade and acting like you aren't a big fan, when you know dern well you take your information from her number one fan site. Get real, and get a life, and a REAL CAREER. Blogging could be that path for you, yet you are a thief and unoriginal. On top of that, you even take pictures that members go out of the way to get themselves. While you are sitting on your fat, ugly, bad weave and skin having behinds, just plucking all of this info from her fan site. You need to post disclaimers under your content that says "I WAS LURKING ON BEYONCE'S FAN SITE TO GET THIS INFORMATION" so you can be exposed for the fake people that you are. At least have the deceny [sic] and smarts to find the information on your own.

No you wait until we post it, then you are about three days late with the information after we posted it. Here are examples.

--The (BLOG NAME) Tracklisting-(Posted here first then the blogs ran it)
--Beyonce's album covers (here first)
--If I Were a Boy Single (here first before other black blogs ran it)
--Single Ladies video (played on yahoo first, and then posted on bwboard)
--Beyone's photoshoot (on the board first before being placed on blogs)
--A Recent fans pic with Beyonce after 106 (bwboard exlusive stolen by a troll faced blogger)
--Cadillac Records pics (of course on other sites, but on here before a lot of other black blogs got it)

I can go on and on, and I'm sure other members can add more to this list. But this is just unacceptable and plain foolish. Why throw shade to Beyonce sometimes on your blogs when you come to her number one fansite to get your information. Not to mention a lot of Beyonce pictures they put up are credited to Beyonceworld.net. They go actively searching for her, and then "roll their eyes", because Beyonce is "everywhere". Attention bloggers. You Make her appear everywhere, as you keep appearing on her fansite. Become more original, stop stealing your information, stealing pictures, without giving credit for what sparked your idea for your topics. It's starting to get out of hand, and I believe it is a big joke. From now on you will be called out for your dumb tactics. This includes (BLOGGER NAME), (BLOGGER NAME), (SEA CREATURE FROM ATLANTA), etc. All of you who steal from this board and try to pass it off as your own work step your game up, because this blogging "career" won't last you forever. Especially at the heartless and tactless rate that you're going.

-Golden (and other pissed off bwboard members)


Well I have mixed feelings about this.

On one hand blogs=free publicity for Queen Creole. However I know how irritating it is to work hard on something and have someone just rip you off. (Let me say it again for the people in the back of the church)


I have always been bothered by the fact that some bloggers go out of there way to throw grease (do people still say grease?) on Beyonce every chance they get, but have had active memberships on BeyonceWorld since Crazy In Love came out.

On the other hand it IS the internet, and it's hard to prove the source of certain things. I think photographers (even the ones with chimps swinging in their family tree) should be compensated or credited when their photos are used. But things are used over and over and in so many places it's hard to do that, and some people don't feel like they should credit people for the things they take.

And there are some outright lies that BeyonceWorld started that bloggers picked up that I would NOT take credit for (Virtuoso Intellect? Beyonce and Usher's BET Awards performance?)

I'm not sure how I feel about this...

What do you think?

While you think about it please enjoy the mellow sounds of Jimmy Early:

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Back From Africa...

So I'm watching Beyonce on 106 and Park. Rocsi is asking dumb-ass, obvious-ass questions like: "So Beyonce, when you eat a whole plate of food does that inspire you to take a shit?"

So then I go to the Britney Spears Fan Club MTV.com and they are are laying it on THICK with their promotion of her Britney's new album, and I admit I'm kind of jealous.! I understand they still have egg on their face because she bombed at last year's VMAs, and now they have to try to build her up as the Queen of Pop so they don't look stupid, but I just hope that they are this generous with Beyonce
after her breakdown...

But I digress.

I don't have much to say about "Single Ladies" or "If I Had a Dick".

What can I say?

It's not like Beyonce just started shitting on chicks last week... It's been going on for awhile so I'm used to it.

I do have one request though...

I'm going to need you NOT to try to put a ring on it while at the jukejoint, clubhouse, or anywhere colored people are in close proximity to each other, because if you accidentally bust me in the mouth trying to do what the fast girls do I'm going to have to take you out to the parking lot and handle it like gentlemen (or ladies depending on what type of club we're at).

So, on to the point of this post. When I was taking a journalism class, the teacher said: when you are debating or presenting an argument never give the opposing side an idea they didn't have before.


Never give the opposing side an idea they didn't have before.

Never give the opposing side an idea they didn't have before.

Never give the opposing side an idea they didn't have before...

...unless you are prepared to argue against it:

I've also allowed you to embed so you can post THIS your blog.

Dumb ass.

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It's Spreading...

What's going on with Beyonce?

Let's see...

Jay-Z Wants To Have Kids Now...

I wonder why?

Beyonce is releasing a 70-song, 7-disc album? Oh word dumbasses?

I thought she did something like that already.

Beyonce in 2008:

"Something that says who I am at this stage in my life. I have poured my heart and soul into it. I am in a different place right now, and I wanted people to see the many sides of me,”

"Beyonce" in 2007

"[This album] is very special to me. I've gotten a lot of criticism that my music isn't "deep" so for my next project I told myself that I would dig deeper. I was looking for that song to take me to the next level, I was looking for the song that would change my sound."

Beyonce donates wigs to charity?

I told you that 2 months ago... remember Wigs for Kids?

Ask Miss Tina

Hello children. My name is Tina Knowles, but you can call me Miss Tina. I am the mother of two very successful children (Fuck you). I'm also the creative force behind several very successful fashion lines (Fuck you²). I'm a philanthropist, hair stylist, clothing designer, and the director of my church's annual fashion show, and although this is not really relevant to anything it should be noted that I was the original choice to play Foxxy Cleopatra in Austin Powers 3 and it should also be noted that Lionel Richie wrote "Brick House" about me.

But I digress...

Kelly Rowland will no longer be the writer of this blog. Her entry yesterday was a flop. It was the least read entry in the history of blogging. She's not even supposed to be on the internet unsupervised... She knows better.

In between my business ventures, community activities, and stuntin' on middle-aged hoes, I receive a lot of emails asking for advice so I thought it would be a good idea to take over this blog and just share my wisdom with the young people and express my opinions about a few things that bother me.

For example, I think it is very funny that you assholes organized a March on Washington about L'Oreal whitening my firstborn but you ain't said shit about what Time Out New York Magazine did to my son-in-law.

What kind of swollen-lipped special-ed fuckery is this:

Note to Time Out Magazine, someone in your Negro Photoshopping department needs to fix this shit ASAP or I might have to take drastic measures... I'll give you a hint:

Baby Daniel + Your Office + Solange's Honda Accord + A Real Slow Creep

Get the picture?

I also found this part of Jay's interview interesting:

"I went to see Diana Ross in Central Park, in the rain, the infamous “in the rain.” And it started raining and everyone started running. And I’m running and slid down the entire hill. Oh, it was the greatest day...Yeah, I had hormones. I thought she was fantastic. Her hair was blowing. The rain was hitting her face, and her outfit was, well—It was working for me."

Oh word Shawn?

Hmmm... Let's see...

Diana Ross performed at Central Park on July 21, 1983. That means that while teenaged Jay-Z was standing in front of Diana Ross with his dick hard, hoping she would touch him in the morning... Beyonce was somewhere in a bedazzled diaper barely 2 years old...

But that's life. You never know where you'll end up and who you'll end up with. It's funny how our paths cross and how people come in our lives. In my 287 years on this earth I've learned a lot and hopefully with this blog I can share with you some of those things. Right now I would like to answer some questions I received in my email:

"Dear Miss Tina,

I am the mother of a 6 year old boy and I have a hard time getting him to take baths. He kicks and screams when it's time to get in the tub. How can I get him to take baths?


Dear Sheila,

I had this same problem with Solange. She was 17 years old and going through a hippie phase. She stopped taking baths and stopped wearing deodorant. She began smelling like a Bloomin' Onion all around her armpit areas. The worse part is that she stopped doing her hair. Her hair went from Hawaiian Silk to Steel Wool in a matter of weeks. Despite the fact that I didn't agree with her choices, as a parent it is important to know that the way you talk to a child is very important. You must treat children with love, kindness, tenderness, and understanding. So I got a bar of Dove soap, a jar of Gentle Treatment relaxer, put it in a Piggly Wiggly bag and beat the Hadley Street hell out of her. I told her to wash her ass and run a hot comb through her hair or I'd bust her upside the head with a pillowcase full of Beyonce's
Grammys. But I said it with a lot of love and understanding...

Dear Miss Tina,

Are you and Matthew still together? I haven't seen y'all at an event or award show together since Destiny's Child was writing on the wall.


Dear Farrah,

You need to stay out of grown folks' business.

Fuck you very much,

Miss Tina

"Dear Miss Tina,

I recently met a nice guy who is perfect on paper. He's good-looking, he has a good job, a degree, his own place, he's kind and respectful, but I just don't feel any chemistry. How do I tell him I just want to be friends?"


Dear Jessica,

This reminds me of something that happened to me many years ago. It was 1979 and I was in the club one night. I know I was lookin' good I had my Kenneth Cole shoes on, my Gianni Versace blue leather suit, my nails were done and my hair was fierce![1] At the time I was a back-up dancer for Rick James, and an understudy for Vanity 6 so I was the shit on a stick! So I'm in the club, switching, twitching, doing me, swinging my hair, being fine... bitches were hating (but that has always been the case). So I'm standing at the bar when this tall, black fothermucker came up to me in a Kool Aid Red track suit (the kind the makes the woosh sound when you rub the legs together). Then he said to me "Baby, when you gonna let me get a bite of your cookie?" Then I said to him "Even if you weren't cock-eyed, even if you didn't
have a jheri curl, and even if you didn't smell like motor oil and Cool Water cologne, you STILL wouldn't be my type!" Then I threw my drink in his face and walked away. 2 years later we were married and had a child, so I guess this story really doesn't answer your question.

If you have any questions you would like me to answer please email me at lady_tina@bigfinecreolewoman.com or just leave it in the comment section along with your name, location, and what church you come from.

Coming up I'm going to play some sexy slow jams for you... I have your request for Wax-a-million's "No Panties On the Dance Floor" (my personal anthem) but before that I'm going to ask that you please pray for my fellow cougar and sister in vagina power, Miss Janet Jackson. She is on the sick and shut-in list. She injured herself earlier this week on stage. I told her that once you get to a certain age you just can't pussypop on a handstand ... your knees will lock up on you in a minute! She is so damn hard-headed, but I can't judge her. Back in my day I used to do an assortment of vulgar things while doing a handstand... but that was during my sinning days, long before I began my Naomi Campbell walk with Christ, but we'll talk more about that later. In the meantime I'll talk to you later.

Be safe, keep it clean, and when in doubt ask yourself... What would Tina do?

[1] (free copy of Miss Kelly if you can tell me what song that came from)

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Hello, my name is Sister Kelendria Rowland. I would like to first give honor and glory to the Father (Matthew) the Daughter (Beyonce) and the Holy Spirit (Agnes) I'm a member of the First African New Swinging Lacefront Creole Chruch of Dereon[1] where the Reverend Daniel Smith Jr. is my pastor. I have come to you good people to spread the word of Sasha. Have you taken time out of your day to give thanks to the goodness of Beyonce? This is the day that Beyonce has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

I am the new writer and owner for Beyonceitis. As you all know the original writer had a nervous breakdown and fled to South Africa. Before he left he said I could use his laptop to type my resume' (it saves me a bus trip to Kinko's) but I have taken it upon myself to turn Beyonceitis into my daily journal to give my fans a glimpse of my day.

Tula Mae Robinson will no longer write for this blog. Yesterday was her first and last day. She was arrested early this morning for trespassing. She broke into Jay-Z's apartment and tried to sniff Beyonce's panties. I don't condone such behavior but I do understand the temptation.

But I digress...

Hopefully as writer of this blog I can give you a look into my life. I am much more than the "vice president" of Destiny's Child or Beyonce's sidekick. I am a seperate person aside from Beyonce and Destiny's Child. I have my own career. I am an artist, a songwriter, a sister, a daughter, I'm a host of imperfections, a puzzle yes indeed (please go to iTunes to buy Flaws and All from Beyonce). I tried to give you all a glimpse of my life on my album Miss Kelly but it sold about 48 copies in the United States, 42 of which are in the trunk of Solange's 1983 Caprice.

For my first post on this blog I would like to explain to you what the wig crypt is.

A lot of people make jokes about the wig crypt, but it is a very serious and important job creating, cleaning, and classifying Beyonce's hairpieces. If you place a strand of hair in the wrong place or use the wrong combination of Pink Oil moisturizer and Blue Magic grease, the wig can catch fire then Beyonce will be running around the stage like the Olympic torch and Matthew will be none too happy.

So how do we make the wigs?

It starts with an email.

Beyonce or Angie will email the Wig Crypt representative about what kind of hair she needs and what event she needs it for.

Everyday we check our email for the days work assignments. Today I had a new wig request. Beyonce needs a new ponytail for her concert in Bermuda. First you must gather the hair. I sneak onto a farm to cut the tail off a horse. You have to be really careful, as some farmers carry shotguns, but you don't sing with Destiny's Child for 10 years without knowing how to duck a bullet. Although Beyonce needs
just the tail, I skin the entire horse in case Mama Tina needs the hair for one of her fabulous fashion creations.

The hair is throughougly washed to remove dirt, insects, odor, and horse doo-doo. After it is washed it is marinated for 18 hours in a special secret concoction of Louisiana herbs, oils, and spices. Beyonce's ponytails are designed to be easily detached in case Beyonce has to to snatch it off really quick to pop a bitch in the eye. After the hair is marinated it is hung out to dry in the sun. It is then cut and styled. We then place it on the ground, form a circle around it, say a prayer and perform the breakdown to "Get Me Bodied" backwards. This gets rid of all evil spirits and energy.

Here's the horse before I got to it:

Here it is after:

And here is the ponytail on Beyonce:

Isn't it lovely?

[1]The baptismal pool at the First African New Swinging Lacefront Creole Chruch of Dereon is filled with Armani Diamonds perfume instead of holy water, communion consists of strawberry soda and skin pulled off a Popeye's chicken breast. When members are overtaken by the Holy Ghost and pass out they will be covered with a white cloth with the Dereon logo on it. an We hope to open 27 Dereon churches across the United States and Mexico by Spring 2010.

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Beyonceitis is over. Done. Finished. The writer of Beyonceitis has had a nervous breakdown. The last I heard of him he said "Fuck ALL of you." before going to South Africa with Dave Chappelle. They reportedly smoked some highly potent exotic African weed one night and woke up in a tree the next morning singing songs from the Dreamgirls soundtrack. He says he's never coming back. He says Fuck stans. Fuck haters. Fuck blogs, and Fuck America.

Before I continue I would like to introduce myself. My name is Tula Mae Robinson, Celebrity Photographer. You must say the whole thing like A Tribe Called Quest or A Pimp Named Slickback. You can see my lovely photo above. I took it myself. That's me giving you sexy ... doesn't it just make you moist?

I am the new owner of this blog. I am a highly respected CELEBRITY photographer. Granted, several celebrities don't like me or allow me to photograph them because in my quest to be the black Perez Hilton I make up stories based on wild unfounded rumors and my own diluted assumptions. However, the difference between me and Perez is that Perez actually has sources and inside information. The only inside sources I have are irrelevant "celebrities" that you don't care about. Despite this I am a highly respected CELEBRITY photographer. I have no interest in photographing award shows, fashion shows, or any events with A-List celebrities, mainly because I don't get a lot of invites to them, but my coverage of the "Drop It Like It's Hot Contest" at Club Bucknasty is an unparallelled piece of photographic journalism.

I am glad Beyonceitis is gone. It wasn't funny or relevant. Sites like Beyonceitis is why urban bloggers get no respect from the mainstream media. They always try tear other celebrities down just to get a laugh or visitors to their site. My loyal readers expect quality and I prefer to post subjects that bring quality hits to my site, I like to promote positivity, and I do not hate on celebrities or try to tear them down.

Now let's talk about that fake-ass, white-ass, trick-ass, phony-ass Beyonce. Granted I've never met Beyonce, and everyone I know who knows Beyonce says she's a nice lady, but I don't believe them. I can tell she's stuck up and phony. Mainly because she reminds me of the girls I went to high school with. The ones who were prettier than me, more popular than me, and more talented than me. The ones I was always afraid to talk to. She's not as hot as her stans think she is. I know this because I have 3 accounts on Beyonceworld. I'm not a member because I like her, I just go for exclusive news, I really don't care about her, but my loyal readers seem to care about her so I post about her 9 times a week, and if there's nothing to report I make shit up. Her concert was wack too. I went and saw her in Atlanta and hated it. I hated it so much I bought tickets to see her again in Miami, just to make sure I hated it, then I bought tickets to see her twice in New York, just to be extra sure that I hated the show. She's HIGHLY overrated. She's not a real singer, and by real I mean brown-skinned and slightly overweight.

Please don't call me a hater I don't hate on Beyonce. I just don't like what she represents. I don't like that she's never been arrested in a Walgreens parking lot for drug and weapons possession. I don't like that she doesn't have 57 kids and not one wedding ring. Beyonce sends the wrong message to our young girls. She teaches them that it's ok to work hard, be polite, and keep your private business to yourself. What kind of message is that to send to kids? I don't like that she made more money sitting on the toilet this morning than I made last year. but I'm not a hater. I don't hate black people. I just hate successful black people. Once you become successful you are no longer Black.

Thank you to all of my loyal readers for supporting me. Please come back tomorrow for EXCLUSIVE photos from my coverage of the CD release party for MC Short Bus and Yung Child Support Check. Also, I have EXCLUSIVE backstage coverage of the new hit urban gospel play "Your Arms are Too Short To Vogue Battle with the Lord".

Thanks for your support,

Tula Mae Robinson

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First Class Tickets to Africa

I know us Negros are frightened by paragraphs so I'm going to type this in short lines.

As long as you promise not to read between them.

Please bare with me.

This may not make sense...

So I went to Beyonceworld message board yesterday.

You know what Beyonceworld is...

It's that place where you lurk and steal Beyonce pictures, news, and gossip, then turn around and ridicule the same people you got them from.

So I went there and the first topic says "Beyonce Stans Suck"

At first I thought it was a "hater", but it wasn't.

So I read...

And it was very true.

Beyonce stans do suck...


With corn around the rim.

Allow me to explain.

I remember the first time I heard "Crazy In Love".

5 years ago

At this time there weren't a lot of blogs or Beyonce message boards.

We didn't have a lot of leaks.

We just had to keep the radio on and hope we heard it.

They played it and had listeners call in and rate it.

You know... "Kiss it or dis it" /"Pump it or dump it"

10 Calls

9 People liked it

1 person didn't.

Since that day in 2003 when I heard Crazy In Love Beyonce has gotten so far and beyond the realm of typical R&B chicks.

She's become a worldwide megastar

And that's a double-edged sword.

When you become so famous and well-liked by such a wide group of people it becomes harder and harder to please all of them because they all want something different and they have different musical backgrounds.

Beyonce does have fans who understand.

They understand that the all-female band are a group of talented musicians not a group of backup dancers holding instruments. They understand what movie the "Get Me Bodied" video came from, and who Cyd Charisse is, who Alvin Ailey is, and how Beyonce has incorporated them into her work.

They understand that music did not begin with Beyonce.

But she also has a lot of fans whose musical knowledge goes no further than what video is #1 on 106 and Park.

And those fans fuck it up for everyone.

They mean no harm in their ignorance, but sometimes the weakest, most uneducated members of a group become the stereotype by which ALL members of that group are judged.

Not to say that I don't care what people think about her.

If I didn't I wouldn't have started this site.

In the 5 years since I first heard "Crazy In Love" the internet has gotten so far and beyond the realm of simple entertainment.

They went and fucked up and gave us blogs.

To have successful blog, you have to believe that you are saying something
unique or bringing a perspective that no one else has. However, there are really no credentials needed to have a blog.

You can have an entertainment blog that's not very entertaining.

You can have a music blog with absolutely no concept of the history of the music that you report on.

Beyonceitis was born from a genuine frustration.

And I think the overall philosophy can be summed up with this phrase:

You don't really have to like Beyonce, but don't sit and ridicule her when nobody cares about your favorite artist.

The concept of a fictional blog wasn't new. There were fictional blogs before.

The concept of a humor blog wasn't new. There were funny blogs.

The concept of a Beyonce blog wasn't new. Damn near every urban blog is a Beyonce blog. If you don't believe me go to your favorite blog (yes, that one) and go to the comment section of any random story and type CTRL+F (or APPLE+F on a Mac)

Type in "Bey" and just look at the number of times her name is brought up in conversations that have absolutely no fucking thing to do with her.

For better or worse she's under our skin.

And that's what Beyonceitis was about.


I'm conducting a scientific study.

Any day now the singles will leak.

I'm going to see if how much I like them as a fan, and not a critic

How much I like them without having someone else tell me how I feel about them

How much I like them without having to defend them

Or argue about them

I'm going to see if after 5 years on the internet

If I will just be able to enjoy the music.

If everybody's a critic

Who's going to be a fan?

I want to take a break from the charts, album sales, ticket sales, and go back to the days when I didn't know shit about shit.

And everything was a surprise.

I would rather listen to the songs, understand what she's trying to do and hate the songs than not understand it and just like it because other people like it.

I'll let you know how that turns out

Of course the people who need to read this won't.

They are too busy starting petitions because they didn't like the length of Beyonce's dress at Fashion Rocks.

I can't change people's ignorance.

The best I can do is change me...

Thanks to the press who have covered the site.

Thanks to the blogs who have shown love.

Thanks to all of those who like it.

Thanks to all of those who hate it.

Thanks to all of those who like it and won't admit it because it's Beyonce-related.

I don't really have any exclusive news.

I have no "inside scoop"

I don't know any celebrities you care about.

I don't know any rappers' baby mamas...

CORRECTION: I don't know any FAMOUS rappers' baby mamas.

(But I can tell you all about this rapper named Young Food Stamp and his chick... she's a real whore, but we'll talk about that later.)

I've asked, and I've asked but Monica won't let me take pictures of her shopping at Ikea.

I don't get any exclusive interviews or leaks...

All I do is make up stories... (the only difference is that I've never tried to pass them off as news)

But you still stop by and read

And I have sincerely appreciated it.

Maybe one day I'll be famous and someone will make up funny stories about my family

Apparently Beyonce's people saw the site a long time ago.

I'm not 100% sure what they think of it.

I guess they liked it, we didn't get shut down.

I'm not sure if Beyonce has seen it.

I hope she does and understands it for what it is

And what it isn't.

Hopefully she'll see the love, the hate, the arguments, and take it all as a compliment.

A sign of the effect that she has on people...

Maybe she'll find it funny...

Or not.

I bet Jay-Z would find it funny...

What do you think?

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Dear Jay-Z...

Dear Jay-Z,

First of all congratulations on your success. Congratulations on your LiveNation deal, all of your business ventures, your platinum albums, your successful tours, winning 1st place at the Senior Citizen's Home talent show (we loved you and Beyonce dressed as Ike and Tina). You and your wife, bang buddy, partner Beyonce are truly icons and it's so refreshing to witness the two of you at the top of your respective fields and at your creative peaks.

Despite all that you guys have accomplished and plan to accomplish I feel that it is time that you two have children. You two have been together 6 years (or 7 depending on which blog you choose to believe). If you two were a hood couple Beyonce would have 6 of your kids by now, your name tatooed on her right titty, and she would have been arrested for trying to stab you in the Waffle House parking lot.

But I digress...

As of 2 weeks ago Beyonce is in her late 20's and you are a few years away from cranking that Social Security Check. Beyonce is in heat and ready to mate and produce offspring. After 6 years of courting and 4 months of alleged marriage she remains unimpregnated. Everytime she's ready to get pregnant you go to record an album. Everytime you're ready to get her pregnant she goes to record 3 albums, go on tour , shoot 7 movies, start a clothing line, and start small European nations. She was ready to get pregnant at the 2006 BET Awards. She did an ancient Creole mating dance which mean she was fertile and ready to receive your seed.



But I digress...

We have comprised 4 Reasons why it's time for you and Beyonce To Have some Nigglets:

1. The Fans

Your fans CAN'T WAIT for you to have babies so they can put pictures all in their siggies, gravatars, and MySpace profiles. Is it appropriate? Probably not. Scary? Yes. But they're your fans and you must deal with that... Also I plan to start a blog called the LaDereon Carter Chronicles (assuming you name your child LaDereon), and I will assume the identity of your child and make all kinds of funny posts. I have material already written, and if I run out I'll just steal jokes from Crunk and Disorderly.

2. Sperm Doesn't Grow On Trees

These are Beyonce's optimal child bearing years, her Creole seasoned eggs are ripe and ready to go. As for your sperm... (sigh) I think they've been through enough. Believe it or not as big of a whore as you were back in the day NONE of your sperm has conceived a child. 50% of all your sperm has ended up flushed down the toilet in condoms or napkins, and the rest of it has been desposited it a variety of wigs and weaves of even though she has told you several times to aim AWAY from her hair. You are getting old and in this recession it is not wise to waste sperm, and you promised your sperm if they stuck around they could retire in Beyonce's uterus. If you keep wasting sperm one day you will wake up and just won't have any left. Done. Complete. You Will Shoot Blanks. When you try to skeet a powdery dust-like material with come out and you will cry, but enough is enough.

3. Extra Love

As much as you and Beyonce love each other, think about how having a child will make that love grow. We used state-of-the-art high tech computer technology to show you what Beyonce and her daughter would look like:

We also used the same technology to show you what Jigga Jr. would look like:

4. Give Other People Some Shine

I think the time you spend away from the spotlight raising kids can bring attention to the other members of your family. Solange can promote her album without Beyonce looming in the shadows. And Mama Tina can promote her new movie:

Now that I have given you good reasons why you should create a spawn now it's time for some tough love. You are not getting any younger, and you have no children to carry own the Carter-Knowles legacy. I really didn't want to take it here but EVEN CLAY AIKEN GOT SOMEBODY PREGNANT. CLAY FUCKING AIKEN.


So we are forced to make a decision. If Beyonce is not pregnant by October 6, 2008 we (the stans) will boycott all Carter-Knowles products. We will not buy Beyonce/Jay-Z albums, DVDs, iTunes downloads, re-releases, clothing. Fuck a Blueprint 3, 4, 5, Blueprint Fiftyleven, and whatever liquor you say it's ok to drink in 2009, and we might just vote for McCain just to spite you.

We're tired of waiting. We just can't anymore...


Your fans

P.S. I have already written a press release for it, so you have to do it.

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One Of My Current Favorite Songs

It's called "Green Light".

It's by John Legend featuring Andre 3000.

Beyonce had a song called "Green Light"

This has absoulutely nothing to do with that song.

2 Different Concepts...

2 Different Sounds...

2 Great Songs...

I Really Like It...

What do you think?

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Beyonce walked to Starbucks this morning and bought a cup of coffee. After that she went to the cleaners to drop off a dress she needed cleaned. She told them there was no rush since she wouldn't need the dress until next week. After she left the cleaners she went to her favorite Chinese take-out restaurant. While she was there Rhianna's "Disturbia" came on the radio playing in the restaurant. After Beyonce picked up her food she ran into T-Pain. She told him she loved his new song. They talked for a few minutes then he went on about his day and she went home.

This is how that paragraph appears on blogs and message boards:

"OMG!!! Beyonce went to Starbucks this morning, she must be on drugs or depressed which is why she needs to drink coffee to stay awake!!! Jay got her hooked on that stuff. She should have never married him. Why wasn't Jay with her? They must be on the verge of divorce because why was she out running errands by herself? I never believed they were a real couple anyway. They are so fake. OMG!!! She must be performing her new single somewhere next week. Why else would she need her dress cleaned for next week! OMG!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!! Why doesn't she support Black-owned businesses? Why she gotta go to Chinese places? Does she think she's Chinese? She's always trying to downplay being Black. I can't stand her fake ass!!! OMG!!! SHE HATES RHIANNA!!!, "Disturbia" came on the radio and she didn't dance or sing along to the song, she just walked out of the restaurant when the song came on! I told y'all she can't stand her, she's mad cause Disturbia went #1. She's so insecure. OMG!!! She's working with T-Pain on her new album!!! They are going to perform a song together at the VMAs on Sunday but it's a surprise!!! Why else would she be talking to him in the middle of the street if they weren't planning a surprise performance at the VMAs? I can't wait!!! OMG!!!


Nowhere in the first article does it say half the shit in the 2nd article but for some reason when actual facts get reported on blogs and message boards we feel the need to "remix" them. We see what we want to see. We take facts, fill in the blanks, read between the lines, make up shit, and then pass it around as something that is true. Doing this creates buzz, but it also creates confusion and false hope to the point that people don't get excited about things that are REAL because they have to put up with so many rumors that turn out to be FALSE. And putting 3 exclamation points behind something AND TYPING IT IN ALL CAPS doesn't make it true!!! I know some people are allergic to reading anything over 3 sentences and I know some of you can't tell truth from obvious lies. Some of you are still waiting for Beyonce to release "Worldwide'.

Unless you have a credible source and evidence to back it up anything you type is a rumor. I understand it's the internet and everybody wants to be the first to say they knew something, but at the end of the day nobody remembers who was the first to report a story and I know we're all excited about the new era but I think we should stop trying to figure everything out ahead of time.

Don't you like surprises?

Clearly you learned nothing from the BET Awards disaster (that performance with Usher that never happened) so let me break it down again:

The following ARE credible sources:

1. Associated Press
2. Reuters
3. Prnewswire press releases
4. MTV.com
5. Billboard.com
6. Beyonce herself

The following are NOT credible sources:

1. YOUR blog (don't make up a lie saying Beyonce back-slapped Solange at Kentucky Fried Chicken, then go to a message board saying "I read on a blog that Beyonce back-slapped Solange and Kentucky Fried Chicken")

2. Any blog with no comments.

3. Any blog period.

4. Any news from overseas.

5. Anything somebody told you that heard on the radio (unless they can post an MP3 of it)

6. Anything you read on message boards.

7. Anything you read on message boards.

8. Anything you read on message boards.

Sorry if I seem angry. I'm in a bad mood.

Maybe it's subconscious Beyonce withdrawal.

Maybe it's the weather (It's hot as slavery outside)

Maybe it's my personal life (I haven't had sex since the Destiny Fulfilled Tour)

I'm not sure why I'm so cranky, but I am seriously so fucking tired of people making up rumors, misreading things (or not reading at all), and assuming things when they don't know for sure that what they're saying is true. Today if you find yourself about to type "I heard" or "Somebody said" or "I read on a blog that..." please shoot yourself...

in the face...

Thank you.

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