I'm late...

I guess I'm the last person in the world to comment on this so...

In case you missed it, on Sunday night, Beyonce (current Queen of R&B) said that Tina Turner (Queen of Rock and Roll) was "The Queen" at the Grammy Awards. This didn't sit well with Aretha Franklin (Queen of Soul, Ham Hocks, and Neckbones). Aretha released a statement calling it "a cheap shot". Beyonce's mother Tina Knowles (Queen of Polyester) has apparently packed her fighting wig and is on her way to have words with Ms. Franklin. Baby Daniel (King of Creole Soul) and Solange (Buger King Assistant Manager)are also upset.

Matthew Knowles released a statement calling Aretha's statement "childish" and "unprofessional", however my sources say that Matthew is trying to resolve this conflict and has invited Aretha to his home for tea and pig knuckle sandwiches.

Since this is a day of love I hope they can work out this conflict.

Happy Valentine's Day!

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As nearly 20,000 people poured out of the Staples Center following the Grammys, singer Rihanna refused to leave her seat as hundreds of Beyonce's relatives formed a circle around the Staples Center waiting for her to come out so that they could jump her.

The incident began earlier in the evening when Rhianna won Best Rap/Sung Collaboration with Jay-Z. Rihanna walked up to Beyonce and didn't say hey, hi, cat, dog, or nothing then grabbed Jay-Z's hand and led him up to the stage. At that point Beyonce's sister Solange dialed the number 7 on her cell phone and within minutes over 300 Knowles/Dereon relatives flew from Texas to California on the Creole-copter. The Dereon clan came armed with bricks, baseball bats, box cutters, lead pipes, and, ironically, umbrellas, and formed a circle around the Staples Center, waiting for Rihanna to leave the building.

Beyonce's family was outraged at Rihanna's behavior.

"What she did tonight was very disrespectful." said Beyonce's great-aunt, Cookie Dereon. "Also if you see that big-lipped bastard Jay tell him I got words for him too. "Crazy In Love" won about fiftyleven awards, and his monkey-ass ain't NEVER got onstage with Beyonce to accept an award. Then he had the nerve to get up there and laugh and grin with that tramp Rihanna onstage last night? If I wasn't a saved Christian woman I would curse his motherfuckin' ass out.

As of this morning, Rihanna is still stuck inside the Staples Center, and has reportedly asked her home country of Barbados to send airplanes or an army to help her get out of the Staples Center without having a confrontation with the Knowles/Dereon family. But Beyonce's uncle, Roscoe Dereon said: "She doesn't need any backup. If she's bold enough to be disrespectful she should be bold enough to
take an ass-whooping.

Here is a timeline of the events as they unfolded:

10:15PM - Rihanna wins a Grammy then she basically strips naked and dry-fucks Jay-Z in front of God, T-Pain and everybody. She doesn't even acknowledge Beyonce. It takes Jesus, Joseph, Mary J. Blige, and Fantasia to hold Beyonce back from tackling Rihanna like she's at the Super Bowl.

10:17PM - Solange calls members of the Knowles/Dereon family for assistance.

10:32PM - Over 300 members of the Knowles/Dereon family fly in from Texas and Louisiana to "beat the brakes" off Rihanna.

11:35PM - Thousands of Grammy Awards attendees pour out of the Staples Center. Rihanna does NOT move.

12:00AM - Rihanna remains inside the Staples Center. She forgot that if you're going to show your ass you need at least two homegirls with you in case shit jumps off.

2:37AM - Rihanna sends an S.O.S call to Barbados asking for them to come airlift her out of the Staples Center or at least send fried chicken or tacky fabrics to distract the Dereon family so that she can make her escape.

2:50AM Solange gets the keys to Beyonce's brand new 2008 Maybach and circles Rihanna's hotel in case she decides to sneak out.

2:55AM - Michelle gets the keys to Solange's 1988 Toyota Camry and circles Rihanna's hotel in case she decides to sneak out.

3:05AM - Beyonce's relatives set up camp waiting to jump on Rihanna's ass. Beyonce's uncles starting barbequing in the parking lot, Beyonce's aunts started selling fried fish plates, pickles, and can sodas, and each come with a free copy of Miss Kelly.

4:12AM - Beyonce's relatives begin discussing how hard they are going to slap Rihanna. Beyonce's Aunt Pootsie Dereon says she's going to slap Rihanna into 2012. Beyonce's Aunt Pam Dereon said she's going to slap Rihanna into a movie, (she says Rihanna will be quoting Color Purple lines for a month.) Beyonce's twin cousins Dasani and Aquafina Dereon said they will slap Rihanna's hairline to where it's supposed to be.

4:20AM - Tina Knowles and Tina Turner begin playing Aretha Franklin and Whitney Houston in a game of spades. At around 4:30AM the four send Baby Daniel to the store for Newports, pork rinds, and denture adhesive. Rihanna remains inside.

Please check this site throughout the day as this story develops.

This is not the first time Rihanna has disrespected Beyonce.

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I'm going through Beyonce withdrawals. I haven't seen any new pictures of Beyonce in over a month, but we have less than two days until her much, much, much, much, much, much-anticipated performance at the Grammys with Tina Turner and we can give you EXCLUSIVE news about the rehearsals.

First of all rehearsals for Beyonce and Tina Turner are CLOSED which means no media, no news cameras are allowed but I have sources inside the Grammys that gave me the following info:

Beyonce and Tina have been rehearsing for weeks and have gotten along great but there have been a few glitches during rehearsals.

Problems began while Beyonce and Tina were doing a run-through of "Get Me Bodied" Tina dropped down low and swept the floor with it and couldn't get back up. Rehearsals were cancelled for a few days while she recovered, but things got back on track.

Also there was nearly a fistfight between Tina Turner and Tina Knowles (Beyonce's mother/stylist/smoking partner) The trouble began when during rehearsals for their rendition of "Freakum Dress" Beyonce's mother Tina design brand new lepoard-print,
spandex mini-dresses with sewn-in possum-skin thigh-high boots (with rhinestones and glitter to give it that extra Tina Knowles flair).

To understand what happened next you most understand two very inportant things about Tina Turner:

1. She doesn't get on the internet or blogs like we do so she is not familiar with the unique styles of Miss Tina Knowles.

2. She was raised on a farm.

So when Tina Knowles handed her that dress, she didn't know what the hell it was, so her first instinct was to shoot it. For all she knew it was going to bite her (Tina Knowles' designs have been known to attack)

Tina Knowles didn't appreciate Tina Turner shooting the dress it took her 8 hours to make (and she personally skinned the possum herself) so Beyonce to step in between the two because Tina Knowles is nothing to play with, and Tina Turner knows what a good ass-whooping feels like and knows how to defend herself so she's nothing to play with either.

Other than those minor setbacks the two have gotten along great. Tina Turner loves Beyonce like Beyonce loves poultry, and the two are guaranteed to give you a show that you will LOVE(or spend a week bitching about on blogs and message boards)

While we wait for Beyonce and Tina's performance here are some comparison and contrasts between the two divas:


-Anna Mae Bullock: November 26, 1939 in Nutbush, Tennessee

-Beyonce Giselle Knowles: Born September 4, 1981 in Houston, Texas


-Tina met Ike Turner in St. Louis during one of his performances. Ike offered Tina a chance to record and perform with him.

-Beyonce met Jay-Z at a club in Houston. This was Jay's first time in a club in 15 wears so he wore powder blue Easter Suit with no drawerz on underneath. Jay offered to spend his whole social security check on Beyonce and put her on a plate and sop her up with a biscuit.


-Tina began wearing wigs after a hair salon mishap caused her to lose most of her hair.

-Beyonce has been wearing wigs since birth. She hasn't seen her scalp since she was 5.


Tina Sang: "Whats love got to do, got to do with it/What`s love but a second hand emotion/Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken."

Translation: Love means nothing unless both people are willing to put in the effort to make it work.

Beyonce Sang: "Tell me what you think about me/I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings/Only ring your cell-y when I'm feelin lonely When it's all over please get up and leave."

Translation: I am woman who is financially stable enough to buy myself items of luxury. I don't need a male to buy them. All I want you to do is dick me up and then go home.

Tina Sang: "Big Wheels keep on turning/Proud Mary keeps on burnin'"

Translantion: I have no idea what this song means. I think Proud Mary keeps on burnin' means "Mary" is smoking weed and big wheels means she's in a Cadillac and threw some D's on that bitch.

Beyonce sang: "If you want my body come get me bodied."

Translation: I think that's pretty self-explanatory.

Also if Beyonce decides to walk the red carpet, she will run into trouble. A couple of her R&B female peers are OUTRAGED that she has been asked to perform despite that fact that she has no new material to promote and is nominated for a song released almost 2 years ago.

Dozens of lesser-known R&B female artists who haven't been to an award show since the 1999 Lady of Soul Awards, will be protesting outside the Grammys all weekend.

"Beyonce is great, but there are other R&B female artists out there and I'm just trying to get my album released." says Amerie.

"I'm just trying to get my single released." said Mya.

"I'm just trying to get my phone cut back on." said Ashanti.

The protestors were interrupted when Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams came outside and told the protestors to move out of the street so that they could park limos for the Grammy Award ceremony.

Hopefully things will work out before the show...

Also I just want to say a lot of times Beyonce fans are cocky and assume that she's going to kill every performance. And most times she does, but she has her bad days just like everyone else so this Sunday while you're at New Rising Star Baptist Church, or New Rising Hope Baptist Church, or New Morning Breeze Baptist Church, or New Weeping Widow Baptist Church or wherever you worship your God, please take a moment and pray for Beyonce and that she does well during her performance and ask Jesus to annoint her wig and her freakum dress with power and stregnth to give an amazing performance. Amen

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WWMD: What Would Matthew Do?

Two of our favorite Beyonceitis victims, Janet and Ashanti, are busy preparing comebacks as Beyonce goes away to shoot a movie, or record an album, or drive Jay to the senior center or whatever it is she does during her time off.

Janet's album is still scheduled to be released February 26, 2008 in the U.S. although it has been pushed back a month in Germany.

Ashanti's album was scheduled to be released November 1987 but will now be released June 3, 2008. Janet's 1st single was released to much buzz and acclaim but despite the buzz the single hasn't been moving up as quickly as her fans want it to. Janet just leaked 2 more tracks which may be the 2nd and 3rd singles off Discipline.

Ashanti just leaked the 5th 1st single off her album and people seem to like it.

So what's the problem?

These are both very critical "strike 3" albums for both artists.

If you recall Ashanti has struck out twice, first after she released her sophmore album in 2003 right as Beyonce released "Dangerously In Love". Apprently she didn't learn from that ass-whoopping because she released Concrete Rose in 2004. That's all I have to say about Concrete Rose.

Janet released two albums in 2004 and 2006. Both albums were decent, Grammy-nominated efforts but neither got a fair chance at mainstream radio or MTV.

Say what you want about Beyonce, but the strumpet knows how to sell an album. So we asked Matthew how he would help Janet and Ashanti.

Beyonceitis: How would you help Janet beat Beyonce?

Matthew: First of all it's not always about beating Beyonce. Everyone brings something different to the table. Beyonce is a MASSIVELY talented entertainer, probably the greatest entertainer in history. When God was passing out talent Beyonce got in line 3 times. Twice for talent, but the first time she thought it was the Popeye's line, so it was kind of accidental but she is nonetheless talented and embarrasses all of these so-called R&B chicks on her worse day. However Janet is a legend and a icon and has been here for awhile and shit so you have to respect that and give her a standing ovation at the BET Awards even when you don't want to.

Feedback is a good song and video, however you can't just release a song and video and think that's enough. You have to beat them over the head with the song until they buy it. When "Crazy In Love" came out we had Beyonce perfoming it EVERYWHERE. Good Morning America, The Morning Show, The Today Show, The Tonight Show, The Mid-Afternoon Show, The Late Show, Bobby Jones Gospel Hour, Meet The Press, The MTV Awards, The BET Awards, The ESPY Awards, The Essence Awards, The Source Awards, The American Music Awards, The Native American Music Awards, outside subway stations, the Super Bowl, The NBA Playoffs, the Special Olympics, we'd pay families $10,000 to let us come to funerals and let her pop out of caskets and sing "Crazy in Love". We didn't want to take the chance that there was somebody in the world that hadn't heard "Crazy In Love" and it worked. Crazy in Love is a classic record, it went #1 and it won a special Grammy for Best Song in the History of the Universe.

Beyonceitis: How would you help Ashanti?

Matthew: Who?

Beyonceitis: Ashanti?

Matthew: I'm sorry I don't know who that it is.

Beyonceitis: Semi-famous singer?

Matthew: No...

Beyonceitis: (whispers) Murder Inc.!

Matthew: Still not ringing a bell...

Beyonceitis: She was the Princess of Hip-Hop/Soul from May 2002 to mid-August 2002.

Matthew: Sorry...I still don't...

Beyonceitis: She was pecked to death by birds in Resident Evil.

Matthew: Oh, yeah! That shit was funny. I got it on my phone.

Beyonceitis: So how would you help her?

Matthew: Again, it's all about getting the music out to the people. Beyonce went on the Beyonce Experience World Tour (presented by Samsung and L'Oreal) and sold out arenas and stadiums around the world. My idea for Ashanti is the Ashanti Experience Tour (presented by Dollar General). Ashanti, of course plays to a different fan base than Beyonce, so Ashanti may not be able to sell out arenas, but with my help I bet she can tear the roof off some church bingo halls.

My idea for the entrance is sort of like how Beyonce came out under the sparkles and pyrotechnics. Of course pyro is probably not in Ashanti's budget but I propose that instead of sparkling fireworks raining down on her we have Ja Rule stand on a ladder and throw glitter down on her as she stands there with her diva pose and says "Ladies and Gentlemen...are you ready to be boooored?

What do you think?

Beyonceitis: Interesting concept. So what's going on with Solange's new album?

Matthew: She's playing around with different sounds and concepts. She now wants a more dance/pop/hip-hop sound, she wants to be like a female version of Ciara.

Beyonceitis: Interesting. Is it true that Beyonce has a special movie role coming up?

Matthew: Yes. I can confirm that starting in March Beyonce will be playing the role of Beyonce. Yes she will playing herself in a $50 Million biopic based on her life. It will start as she struggles in the mean streets of upper-middle class Houston, TX and her rise to become the most famous woman in the world. It's a very universal story it deals with issues that we all face on a daily basis, adversity, preseverance, courage, and hating-ass internet bitches. She's currently with an acting coach trying to get herself down for movie. People may not realize how hard it is to play yourself in a movie.

Beyonceitis: What do you think will be the most difficult scene to shoot?

Matthew: Without a doubt, the scene where LaTavia and LaToya left Destiny's Child. Most people don't realize that LaTavia and LaToya left not because of money or management problems, but because we were at Red Lobster and there was one cheddar biscuit left and they took it not realizing there was a clause in their contract which states that in the event of one cheddar biscuit being left, it belongs to Beyonce. And that night at Red Lobster it really hurt Beyonce to lose her friends and her bandmates, and it hurt her even more to have to snatch LeTavia and LeToya bald because they took a cheddar biscuit that legally belonged to her. So Beyonce will definitly tap into that emotion and hurt for the scene and I expect her to win an Oscar next year.

Beyonceitis: We'll have our fingers crossed.

NOTE: This interview is fake. Purely a work of fiction. If you are a stan and you take any of these artists too seriously please slide to the left, we have an assortment of dicks for you to snack on.

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