WWMD: What Would Matthew Do?

Two of our favorite Beyonceitis victims, Janet and Ashanti, are busy preparing comebacks as Beyonce goes away to shoot a movie, or record an album, or drive Jay to the senior center or whatever it is she does during her time off.

Janet's album is still scheduled to be released February 26, 2008 in the U.S. although it has been pushed back a month in Germany.

Ashanti's album was scheduled to be released November 1987 but will now be released June 3, 2008. Janet's 1st single was released to much buzz and acclaim but despite the buzz the single hasn't been moving up as quickly as her fans want it to. Janet just leaked 2 more tracks which may be the 2nd and 3rd singles off Discipline.

Ashanti just leaked the 5th 1st single off her album and people seem to like it.

So what's the problem?

These are both very critical "strike 3" albums for both artists.

If you recall Ashanti has struck out twice, first after she released her sophmore album in 2003 right as Beyonce released "Dangerously In Love". Apprently she didn't learn from that ass-whoopping because she released Concrete Rose in 2004. That's all I have to say about Concrete Rose.

Janet released two albums in 2004 and 2006. Both albums were decent, Grammy-nominated efforts but neither got a fair chance at mainstream radio or MTV.

Say what you want about Beyonce, but the strumpet knows how to sell an album. So we asked Matthew how he would help Janet and Ashanti.

Beyonceitis: How would you help Janet beat Beyonce?

Matthew: First of all it's not always about beating Beyonce. Everyone brings something different to the table. Beyonce is a MASSIVELY talented entertainer, probably the greatest entertainer in history. When God was passing out talent Beyonce got in line 3 times. Twice for talent, but the first time she thought it was the Popeye's line, so it was kind of accidental but she is nonetheless talented and embarrasses all of these so-called R&B chicks on her worse day. However Janet is a legend and a icon and has been here for awhile and shit so you have to respect that and give her a standing ovation at the BET Awards even when you don't want to.

Feedback is a good song and video, however you can't just release a song and video and think that's enough. You have to beat them over the head with the song until they buy it. When "Crazy In Love" came out we had Beyonce perfoming it EVERYWHERE. Good Morning America, The Morning Show, The Today Show, The Tonight Show, The Mid-Afternoon Show, The Late Show, Bobby Jones Gospel Hour, Meet The Press, The MTV Awards, The BET Awards, The ESPY Awards, The Essence Awards, The Source Awards, The American Music Awards, The Native American Music Awards, outside subway stations, the Super Bowl, The NBA Playoffs, the Special Olympics, we'd pay families $10,000 to let us come to funerals and let her pop out of caskets and sing "Crazy in Love". We didn't want to take the chance that there was somebody in the world that hadn't heard "Crazy In Love" and it worked. Crazy in Love is a classic record, it went #1 and it won a special Grammy for Best Song in the History of the Universe.

Beyonceitis: How would you help Ashanti?

Matthew: Who?

Beyonceitis: Ashanti?

Matthew: I'm sorry I don't know who that it is.

Beyonceitis: Semi-famous singer?

Matthew: No...

Beyonceitis: (whispers) Murder Inc.!

Matthew: Still not ringing a bell...

Beyonceitis: She was the Princess of Hip-Hop/Soul from May 2002 to mid-August 2002.

Matthew: Sorry...I still don't...

Beyonceitis: She was pecked to death by birds in Resident Evil.

Matthew: Oh, yeah! That shit was funny. I got it on my phone.

Beyonceitis: So how would you help her?

Matthew: Again, it's all about getting the music out to the people. Beyonce went on the Beyonce Experience World Tour (presented by Samsung and L'Oreal) and sold out arenas and stadiums around the world. My idea for Ashanti is the Ashanti Experience Tour (presented by Dollar General). Ashanti, of course plays to a different fan base than Beyonce, so Ashanti may not be able to sell out arenas, but with my help I bet she can tear the roof off some church bingo halls.

My idea for the entrance is sort of like how Beyonce came out under the sparkles and pyrotechnics. Of course pyro is probably not in Ashanti's budget but I propose that instead of sparkling fireworks raining down on her we have Ja Rule stand on a ladder and throw glitter down on her as she stands there with her diva pose and says "Ladies and Gentlemen...are you ready to be boooored?

What do you think?

Beyonceitis: Interesting concept. So what's going on with Solange's new album?

Matthew: She's playing around with different sounds and concepts. She now wants a more dance/pop/hip-hop sound, she wants to be like a female version of Ciara.

Beyonceitis: Interesting. Is it true that Beyonce has a special movie role coming up?

Matthew: Yes. I can confirm that starting in March Beyonce will be playing the role of Beyonce. Yes she will playing herself in a $50 Million biopic based on her life. It will start as she struggles in the mean streets of upper-middle class Houston, TX and her rise to become the most famous woman in the world. It's a very universal story it deals with issues that we all face on a daily basis, adversity, preseverance, courage, and hating-ass internet bitches. She's currently with an acting coach trying to get herself down for movie. People may not realize how hard it is to play yourself in a movie.

Beyonceitis: What do you think will be the most difficult scene to shoot?

Matthew: Without a doubt, the scene where LaTavia and LaToya left Destiny's Child. Most people don't realize that LaTavia and LaToya left not because of money or management problems, but because we were at Red Lobster and there was one cheddar biscuit left and they took it not realizing there was a clause in their contract which states that in the event of one cheddar biscuit being left, it belongs to Beyonce. And that night at Red Lobster it really hurt Beyonce to lose her friends and her bandmates, and it hurt her even more to have to snatch LeTavia and LeToya bald because they took a cheddar biscuit that legally belonged to her. So Beyonce will definitly tap into that emotion and hurt for the scene and I expect her to win an Oscar next year.

Beyonceitis: We'll have our fingers crossed.


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NOTE: This interview is fake. Purely a work of fiction. If you are a stan and you take any of these artists too seriously please slide to the left, we have an assortment of dicks for you to snack on.


22 comments:

Anonymous said...

"are u ready to be booored" LMAO. classic. i'm glad you're starting to update the site again.

Jaysky said...

love this site, very intelligent! :)

Anonymous said...

"she wants to be like a female version of Ciara."
LOL!!!!!!!!!

u kill me every time..

Don't Hate Me said...

Hey 0904

The interview went swell. But however, I must warn you... I just got off the phone with Ashanti's people and they want you to make some changes:

1. Ashanti's new album "Snorting That White Girl with Shany" will be releasing the 32nd of Neveruary.

2. Ashanti's already embarking on a tour, "The Vargant's Monologue: Will Work For Food".

3. Ja Rule and Nelly did not get the fighting over her last night at Smiffy and Moe's pool hall around the corner from Dollar General. Stop spreading that rumor.

And...

4. She is quote "..Not jealous of Beysnickerdoodle and she hopes the raging bitch's, heavy flowing wide set vagina falls out and Joe Camel eats it like a bowl of pudding."

Her words not mine.

Marquies said...

Another halarious story so glad you guys are updating more often Keep It Up! You guys make my day

floacist said...

lawhavemercyonmysoul LOL.

BFan said...

THIS IS TOO FUNNY.
1. BEYONCE GETTIN IN LINE 3 TIMES ONCE CUZ SHE THOUGHT IT WAS POPEYES
2.BEYONCE PERFORMIN C.I.L. AT A FUNERAL.
3. ASHANTI EXPERIENCE PRESENTED BY DOLLAR GENERAL

THESE STORIES ARE PURE GENIUS.
AND I MADE A LIST OF THE 5 PHASES OF BEYONCEITIS.

Anonymous said...

ROTFL!
Nailed it. Great delivery.
I wish mainstream American could appreciate what makes THIS ish so funny, but they'll just sit there swallowing whatever Viacom-owned stations feed them... We, however, know otherwise.

chefbeecookdatcrack said...

THIS SHIT IS 2 FUNNY!

yes said...

*cries*

Anonymous said...

i'm in love with this here blog!! I'm literally rolling over here.

Melodie said...

That had my DYING! I could not stop laughing...even just the closing disclaimer..."an assortment of dicks to snack on" LOL! ahhhh

Anonymous said...

I have laughed myself into a case of hiccups from reading this site. Thanks for the laughs!!! *passes out random firstborns to the staff*

pretty rikki said...

I am so glad u are back!!!!
I died in my hotel room and the people next door called me to be quiet :) Thanks

Anonymous said...

I have been laughin at this blog for the last 30 mins...omg toooooo funny! I was really over here howling and tearing up fromt his post. Yall are officially bookmarked on my sidekick. Loves it! Keep it up.

StevenB said...

I just love love love your blog!!!!! I just so happen to stumble upon it today and I was hooked since the first word.

Melissa said...

OMG! Femake version of Ciara and repesented by dollar general! Good stuff

Scooby said...

This shit is funny! But I love me some Ashanti too!!!

Anonymous said...

lol we had her perform it on the mid day show,late show,early show lol u really gatta beat people over teh head with it lol "ladies and gentlemen are u ready to b bored" ja rule sprinkle glitter over her lol once again i luv beyonce but this is funny shyttt

Serious said...

that was some funny shit!! haha but then you always are hilarious
"clause in the contract that states the last cheddar biscuit belongs to beyonce'"
"ashanti, she was Princess of Hip-Hop/Soul from May 2002 to mid-August 2002"
LMFAO

Swen said...

I know I am way late on this, but I damn near started hyperventilating. This ish is HILARIOUS.

You need to be a comedian or something... too funny!!

Anonymous said...

He better not....The bitch can't sing, dance, or do nothing. Her career is fading away, I don't know who lied to her and told her she sing, she sound just like a cat..I think it was her mother, cause they claim they are the best of friends. All she do is say "Oooh Baby, Oooh Baby in every song. And it don't sound bout nothing, cause they all sound alike. She try TOO damn hard that's why she haven't gotten a award yet. And have you seen the lastest video...OMG..a HOT DAMN MESS...Nelly on the other hand can do better than that...Seriously. If Nelly propose to her at the BET Awards, that would be so CORNY. Who would want to see that shit. Just like Deelishus from Flava of Love say Nelly and Ashanti dating is just for show...If he do that would break my heart. I'm a huge Nelly fan, and I don't want him to dissapoint me this way...Get cold feet or something Nelly...DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!