Frequently Asked Questions About The Jayonce Wedding

Q: What did the wedding cake look like?

A: The cake was 7 tiers measuring 17 feet high and weighed 15,032 pounds. It was made from 10,000 pounds of pound cake batter and 4,810 pounds of icing and could feed 59,000 people.

Jay and his family had to split a Little Debbie Honey Bun 12 ways.

Q: What were the vows like?

A: Beyonce's vows went something like this:

Beyonce: Jay, I remember the first time I saw you. You were looking at me. I was looking at you. I wasn't sure if you liked me. Then Solange, who has a new album coming out this summer, she said that you liked me but I didn't believe her. Fast forward to our first date. I was so nervous, I was almost ready to cancel, but Kelly, who just re-released her album Miss Kelly, told me that night I could be going out with my future husband, and six years later she was right. So here today I stand, your wife, a woman, a worldwide woman, which is also the name of a song available on the Deluxe Edition of B-Day which is still available on iTunes, if anybody here today would like to buy it in lieu of a wedding present. I remember when you proposed to me and I just wasn't sure, so I called my mother, who has a new line of senior citizen lingerie coming out this fall, HI MAMA!


Beyonce: I remember being nervous that I wouldn't be a good wife. I remember mama telling me that I had a good man, and that I should be confident in the fact that our love and respect of each other will get us through, and if that didn't work I could always just poison you and collect the insurance money.

Tina: Beyonce sit your ass down! You were supposed to keep that to yourself.

Beyonce: Oh...sorry mama. Anyway I'm so proud to be standing here today. Jay, you have become my addiction, I’m so strung out on you I can barely move but I like it...

(Ne-Yo stands up)

Ne-Yo: Umm...I wrote that last line.

Beyonce: No you didn't.

Ne-Yo: Umm yeah I did. "you have become my addiction, I’m so strung out on you, I can barely move but I like it..." That's from my song "Because of You." I wrote that last year.

Beyonce:, I wrote my vows by myself.

(At this point, Baby Daniel comes and electrocutes Ne-Yo with his stun gun, and escorts him out of the wedding...)

Q: How did Jay propose?

A: Jay's proposal to Beyonce was so romantic. He was at the Knowles house eating dinner. Right in between the Chittlin' Pot Pie, and the pig ears and gravy, Jay interrupted and said he had an annoucnement to make, he stood before the Knowles family, got down on his good knee and said these romantic words:

"We been doing this for six summers now...ya dig? I mean I'm not getting any younger, definitely not going to get any better looking. I like you, you like me. I like putting my mouth on your junk, you like putting your mouth on my junk. I'm sayin, you might wanna fuck with your dude...ya dig?

Q: Where are the pictures? Doesn't Beyonce owe her fans pictures?

A: Beyonce doesn't owe us anything but entertainment, and if she wanted you to see her wedding, then she would have sent you an invitation and you would have been up on that rooftop doing the electric slide in between Mama Knowles and Mama Carter.

Do you also want video of the wedding night?

Do you also want tickets to the birth of little LaDereon Carter?

Let's give them some privacy!

However, in order for me to believe that this wedding happened I'm going to need official confirmation from both Beyonce and Jay's publicists, also a picture with Beyonce in her wedding dress and Jay in his tuxedo holding their marriage licenses and the April 4, 2008 edition of the New York Times, with Matthew and Tina in the background holding their social security card, birth certificate, driver's license, and kindergarten pictures.

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How to Make a Beyonce-Based Blog

Sorry for the lack of updates...well not really.

A wise man once said "Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime." In the spirit of that I will not be writing today's entry. YOU will write today's entry. It's really not that hard to have a blog these days. Just recycle certain words, phrases, and jokes and if that doesn't work, you can always just blatantly rip off other blogs. So let's get started shall we? Let's write about Beyonce's wedding before it happens. I know you can do it. I will supply the title you do the rest...



and follow the directions. Then come back and copy and paste the results in the comment section. The funniest ones may be posted next week...

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