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Frequently Asked Questions About The Jayonce Wedding

Q: What did the wedding cake look like?

A: The cake was 7 tiers measuring 17 feet high and weighed 15,032 pounds. It was made from 10,000 pounds of pound cake batter and 4,810 pounds of icing and could feed 59,000 people.

Jay and his family had to split a Little Debbie Honey Bun 12 ways.
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Q: What were the vows like?

A: Beyonce's vows went something like this:

Beyonce: Jay, I remember the first time I saw you. You were looking at me. I was looking at you. I wasn't sure if you liked me. Then Solange, who has a new album coming out this summer, she said that you liked me but I didn't believe her. Fast forward to our first date. I was so nervous, I was almost ready to cancel, but Kelly, who just re-released her album Miss Kelly, told me that night I could be going out with my future husband, and six years later she was right. So here today I stand, your wife, a woman, a worldwide woman, which is also the name of a song available on the Deluxe Edition of B-Day which is still available on iTunes, if anybody here today would like to buy it in lieu of a wedding present. I remember when you proposed to me and I just wasn't sure, so I called my mother, who has a new line of senior citizen lingerie coming out this fall, HI MAMA!

Tina: HEY BABY!

Beyonce: I remember being nervous that I wouldn't be a good wife. I remember mama telling me that I had a good man, and that I should be confident in the fact that our love and respect of each other will get us through, and if that didn't work I could always just poison you and collect the insurance money.

Tina: Beyonce sit your ass down! You were supposed to keep that to yourself.

Beyonce: Oh...sorry mama. Anyway I'm so proud to be standing here today. Jay, you have become my addiction, I’m so strung out on you I can barely move but I like it...

(Ne-Yo stands up)

Ne-Yo: Umm...I wrote that last line.

Beyonce: No you didn't.

Ne-Yo: Umm yeah I did. "you have become my addiction, I’m so strung out on you, I can barely move but I like it..." That's from my song "Because of You." I wrote that last year.

Beyonce: Umm..no, I wrote my vows by myself.

(At this point, Baby Daniel comes and electrocutes Ne-Yo with his stun gun, and escorts him out of the wedding...)
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Q: How did Jay propose?

A: Jay's proposal to Beyonce was so romantic. He was at the Knowles house eating dinner. Right in between the Chittlin' Pot Pie, and the pig ears and gravy, Jay interrupted and said he had an annoucnement to make, he stood before the Knowles family, got down on his good knee and said these romantic words:

"We been doing this for six summers now...ya dig? I mean I'm not getting any younger, definitely not going to get any better looking. I like you, you like me. I like putting my mouth on your junk, you like putting your mouth on my junk. I'm sayin, you might wanna fuck with your dude...ya dig?
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Q: Where are the pictures? Doesn't Beyonce owe her fans pictures?

A: Beyonce doesn't owe us anything but entertainment, and if she wanted you to see her wedding, then she would have sent you an invitation and you would have been up on that rooftop doing the electric slide in between Mama Knowles and Mama Carter.

Do you also want video of the wedding night?

Do you also want tickets to the birth of little LaDereon Carter?

Let's give them some privacy!

However, in order for me to believe that this wedding happened I'm going to need official confirmation from both Beyonce and Jay's publicists, also a picture with Beyonce in her wedding dress and Jay in his tuxedo holding their marriage licenses and the April 4, 2008 edition of the New York Times, with Matthew and Tina in the background holding their social security card, birth certificate, driver's license, and kindergarten pictures.


35 comments:

Ruman said...

First!!!!

GYP said...

FIRST 4 WHAT? LOL J/P
>
THESE R ALWAYS ROTFLMAO!!!

CHEF said...

HELL NAW! U 2 SILLY!

Maleficent said...

Hov' KILLED the proposal. ;)

Afrodite said...

What about the promotion shout-outs in the vows? So uncouth...

And I tell u man, Baby Daniel is a G!!

Memph Tigers said...

LOL... your blog is the best! Love reading your stuff

Anonymous said...

I love it!!! And I also love the names of the labels. lmao!

Melissa said...

I forgot to write my name. ooops...
I love it!!! And I also love the names of the labels. lmao!

Baby Daniel said...

That'll teach that fairy ass dolphin looking fool to interrupt the nuptials.

Anonymous said...

new beyonce video game: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4tybp_beyonce-inbday-fantasy_fun

Anonymous said...

*dead* and not coming back at Baby Daniel stun gunning innocent Ne-Yo. I just laughed so loud. Leave Ne-Yo alone Daniel! Daniel you may have powers, but the Jesus in me is bigger than you!

Baby Daniel said...

I'll make your root box wet.

TJ said...

I want to marry this site! Loves it!

Anonymous said...

Dead and buried at Chitlin poy pie and Laderon Carter. I damn near peed my pants reading this post. Too freakin funny.

Serious said...

Beyonceitis, you are a true comedic genius. Your blog always has me dying laughing. My favorite part of this one was Beyonce's vows to Jigga. lmao hilarious stuff!! keep em coming!

Anonymous said...

funny sht the shout outs in the vows was great lol

IVENTBYBLOGGING said...

Hilarious! Good to have u back! roflmbo :)

Soulwriter said...

Love it, love it, LOVE IT!!! PLUG YA' FAM BOO, I SEE YOU JIGGA----THANKS FOR DOING IT BIG IN DALLAS ON SAT, ROC BOYS IN THE BUILDING!!!

Saun said...

I don't know you but I definitely luv you for recapping the vows. Pure comedy. And I'm convinced this wedding is a stunt for that show "Pop Fiction" on E! tv.

Anonymous said...

what about the rumor B is retiring???
write about that

italy loves this blog
keep goin!!!

Valentina (Florence)

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The Flyyest said...

LMAO....about beyonces vows!!!!

v$ said...

that proposal was AWESOME!!!

Anonymous said...

Jay's proposal was the end!!!! You should have you own show...

chele said...

Damn. I'm sitting here in tears. Too funny!

Mickey said...

you are so fucking funny. this is the best.

Mickey said...

you are so fucking funny. this is the best.

DEEZEE said...

triplerdeezee.blogspot.com

LadyK1984 said...

Lol. Funny stuff. I'm kind of happy they finally tied the knot though. Hope everything works out. But I do have something to ask. Although Aaliyah is not with us anymore I was wondering why you guys didn't happen to put her as one of the one's that has survived this disease. I believe she was actually better than Beyonce. She had everything. She could sing, dance, and she had the greatest personality. I believe if she were alive now beyonce wouldn't be the only one being compared to everybody. Well just a suggestion. Holla.

Anonymous said...

I am literally stil laughing..Honestly,how do you come up with this. I believe even Beyonce herself would crack a little smile at this. Brillant

Anonymous said...

RIHANNA UPDATE:

This just into the news desk.
Jay has pimped out Rihanna to Chris Brown until after the honeymoon. He plans to resume relations as soon as Bey has settled into her wifely duties.

pupu said...

update please!!! :)

>>> said...

go to hell,BEYONCE IS THE BEST, !

yellahamma said...

fuckery at its best, LMAO @Neyo claiming the lyrics!

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