I Guess You Feel Kinda Stupid, Huh?

A wise man once wrote "Believe half of what you see. None of what you hear." His wife once wrote "Dip it, pop it, twerk it, stop it." (So over the years, I've learned when to listen to them and when to ignore them)

So you read on a message board that somebody's cousin's friend's boyfriend's sister's nephew's hairbraider's aunt's baby's father's brother heard on the radio that Lil Wayne said he and Beyonce will be the "surprise" guests with Usher on the BET Awards". So you get all excited. You make about 58 threads about it on about 18 different Beyonce message boards. You imagine in your mind how the performance will go, what she will wear, which direction the curl pattern of her wig will go in, you go to Wikipedia and update the BET Awards page, you download bootleg copies of Photoshop and make pictures that say "The King and Queen of R&B" and put it in your siggy. You go to the mall and have them airbrush a shirt with Usher and Beyonce on it so you can wear it to school that day. You pretty much plan your life around this performance. You get off early from the mall... run home and alas...
No Beyonce!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And the funniest part.

The really, really funny part.

I mean, the really, really, really funny part.

Lil Wayne was in the audience.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Beyonce was not there. She and Mama Tina were watching the show at home, smoking a fat one, drinking MadDog, and eating barbeque pork rinds. Beyonce was removing the dead skin from under Tina's feet while Tina greased Beyonce's scalp (You can't put a price on quality mother and daughter time). I don't blame Weezy for this mixup because there is no proof that he ever said it. Just something somebody heard.

So what have we learned today boys and girls?

1. Internet message boards ARE NOT credible sources.
2. Internet message boards ARE NOT credible sources.
3. Internet message boards ARE NOT credible sources.
4. BET did not play you. YOU played you.
5. People believe what they want to believe despite all the evidence to prove otherwise.
6. Internet message boards ARE NOT credible sources.
7. Out of 8 BET Awards Beyonce has attended 7 and has been the main attraction at 6. Let her rest her BET wig for year.
8. Internet message boards ARE NOT credible sources.
9. Don't believe shit until shit happens.

Here's my recap:

8:00PM Usher opens the show with Love in the Club. Neither Beyonce, Lil' Wayne, or Usher's live singing voice are present. Each time the music slows down you think she's going to pop out from under the stage and dry hump Usher. She does not. I laugh at Beyonce stans for a good 10 minutes.

8:10PM - Jennifer Hudson and Terrance Howard presents Best Male R&B Artist. Beyonce DOES NOT come out and give Terrance a lapdance, or to give Jennifer Hudson an elbow to the mouth.

8:19: Young Jeezy performs. Kanye West comes out. Beyonce does not come out and say George Bush does not care about Creole people.

8:26: Keyshia's Cole's moms Frankie encourages us to vote for the Viewer's Choice Award. Beyonce and Tina do not swing by to pick up Frankie so she come come to the Knowles crib and get down on some of the pork rinds.

8:32: Keyshia Cole performs. Beyonce doesn't come out but that doesn't stop Keyshia from dropping down low and sweeping the floor with it.

8:36: In what could have been a very cool moment Nia Long, Morris Chestnut, Cuba Gooding Jr. have a mini-Boyz in the Hood reunion. Cuba comes out screaming, confused, sweaty and disoriented like your drunk uncle at the Labor Day cookout. Beyonce does not come to escort him off the stage and then do a scene from her heartwarming performance in "Fighting Temptations".

8:40PM: Ne-Yo comes out. And dances... with his microphone turned ON. WORD? Beyonce does not come out to console Usher who was probably in the audience crying.

9:00PM - Alicia Keys. En Vogue. Coko and SWV. TLC. What more can I say? CLASSIC! Beyonce DOES NOT COME OUT with Kelly, Michelle, nor any any of the other 83 former members of Destiny's Child, since Farrah could not get off her shift at TGI Friday's. After the performance Alicia stops by the Knowles compound to return Beyonce's Dreamgirls Cleopatra wig.

9:15PM - T-Pain brings out Big Boi, Ludacris, Flo Rida, DJ Khaled, Kool Moe Dee, Jesse Jackson, Aresnio Hall, Jaleel White, Don Cornelius, Sinbad, James Earl Jones, and Rick Ross. Beyonce does not pop out from under Rick Ross's left titty, to bust a verse on "I'm So Hood". Solange does not pop out from under the right titty singing "I Decided" with Baby Daniel on guitar.

9:47PM - Chris Brown performs. You see a female in the background and think it's Beyonce. It's Ciara. Chris and Ciara do what Beyonce and Usher were SUPPOSED to do. HAHAHAHA. Beyonce does not come out, look at Rihanna stick her hands down Chris Brown's pants and say "Look, bitch I got your man ho!"

9:58PM - The Al Green tribute starts. Beyonce does not come out singing "Love and Happiness" holding a boiling pot of grits. I weep.

10:15PM - Rihanna does "Take A Bow". Beyonce does not come out to give her a bucket so she can carry a tune. I guess all Rihanna haters were supposed to nut on themselves because she was able to sing while standing still. Sorry, but unless she's twirling that umbrella, she doesn't do a lot for me.

I didn't get to see the rest of the show because Mama Tina threw a shoe at the TV when Rihanna was on stage and broke it. And since Solange was at the BET Awards she couldn't use her Best Buy employee discount to get a new Plasma screen. :(


44 comments:

AJ said...

I don't even remember who told me she was going to perform but I knew she was going to perform "love in this club". I overcooked some chicken tryin to see this stank ass performance from Usher. He owes me a 3 piece meal from Popeyes for that wack performance and no B.

Sef86 said...

It hurts so bad....but it's so true-lol!!!!

Lil' Creole Pimp said...

Ooh... the labels... The labels hurt my soul

Anonymous said...

"I guess all Rihanna haters were supposed to nut on themselves because she was able to sing while standing still. Sorry, but unless she's twirling that umbrella, she doesn't do a lot for me."

Exacty. People saying she sounded just like the CD. Duh! She's hardly doing Mariah Carey acrobatics so of course she can sing like the CD.

n0days0ff said...

i wasnt eveen gonna post cause i was so mad cause its been like 3 mon since the last update.but when i heard you were back i rushed right over :)

Anonymous said...

Awe.... I was so hyped too!!!!

josh said...

whoever is behind this pulitzer-worthy blog should never ever dare leaving us for other 2 months..

Amber said...

Absolutely hilarious! lol...

denise said...

AMEN @ josh

The Scoop! said...

"Beyonce was removing the dead skin from under Tina's feet while Tina greased Beyonce's scalp" ...I will never be able to get that image out of my head. Thanks

Anonymous said...

OMG...I haven't laughed this hard in a minute....lol. Everything you said was true!

Marquies said...

DAMN its all so true my ass had the popcorn in one hand tv blasting in another for what 5minutes of usher lip-synching damn if u didnt get me i was think 2 or 3 times when the music was slowing down i though beyonce was bout to cum up damn im hopeless

soulwriter said...

I was SO underwhelmed by Ursh's sleepwalking---I mean, performance, that I was TOO happy to read your rundown. Thanks for giving us the business Baby, we missed you!!! :o)

Buzz Session said...

I agree with Denise who agrees with Josh. Whomever is behind this blog need not disappear for an indiscriminate amount of time. Your blog is pure genius!

JT Smith said...

Marquies said...

DAMN its all so true my ass had the popcorn in one hand tv blasting in another for what 5minutes of usher lip-synching damn if u didnt get me i was think 2 or 3 times when the music was slowing down i though beyonce was bout to cum up damn im hopeless
------------------------------------

WOW. I didn't know that was part of the BET awards, haha.. but the bucket wasn't neccessary for Rihanna to carry a tune... she carried it damn well.. and we missed you on the charts this week BEYONCE...oh right, thats right.. you weren't there. Rihanna is at #4 on Hot 100, also at #18 (Take A Bow, Disturbia). Don't Stop The Music goes #1 on Hot Reccurents. GGGB:Reloaded debuts at #7, meaning the album jumps a whopping 930% from 124-7. Where's Be-yaki weave?

n0days0ff said...

B doesnt even have an album out.Shes filming 2 movies.thats like saying how many points did Michael Jordan score last season.HES NOT EVEN PLAYING RIGHT NOW.thats kinda pathetic jt

Anonymous said...

i will give her props for last bet awards but it's not the same w/o her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

E. said...

JT, the Beyonce Experience Live is STILL in the top ten on the Music DVD charts..and has gone 3X platinum..just to let you know, boo! :D

Lil' Creole Pimp said...

@ JT...

My shank doesn't discriminate. I can give you the business whether you're a celebrity, a regular person, or a Joe Schmo Ho...

In your case you're a Pretty Pissy Chrissy... meaning you're a 5Ton4Head lover.

Your IP address has been logged and you will be SOS'd. SOS: 5Ton4Head reference.

Shank
On
Sight

Lycie said...

yo....i'm crying. lmao.

Anonymous said...

idk y u rihanna stans think one good performance of her hole damn career is worth something, its not re-re was dancing while singing, and just like nodaysoff said thats like saying how many points did Michael Jordan score last season.HES NOT EVEN PLAYING RIGHT NOW. and damn i didnt no TBE went 3x platnuim i new it was good but i didnt no that many ppl had picked it up. wen rihanna can sell a gold concert dvd we'll talk

pretty rikki said...

Ohhhhh how I've missed you so!!! LOL and I too was wrapped up in the thought of seeing B yet again!! :) Im outta the country furious that im missing the BET awards, only to find out that Usher lipsynced alone. Good to see you back again.....dont stay away to long

Shedonna said...

idk y u rihanna stans think one good performance of her hole damn career is worth something, its not re-re was dancing while singing, and just like nodaysoff said thats like saying how many points did Michael Jordan score last season.HES NOT EVEN PLAYING RIGHT NOW. and damn i didnt no TBE went 3x platnuim i new it was good but i didnt no that many ppl had picked it up. wen rihanna can sell a gold concert dvd we'll talk

--------

LMAO. i agree, i agree, i agree. and you RiRi stans better stop with the weave comments like miss Good Girl Gone Bad didn't have 18 inches before she became a wannabe rockstar. LMAO. she's getting her weight up while beyonce explores other options.. she already dominated the charts before. -yawn- let her do something else for awhile.

aggiebryce2 said...

I swear right now I cant breathe from the laughter.....

Anonymous said...

This is the funniest blog PERIOD......PLEASE update more often every post has me in tears LMAO

chef said...

I cryed like a fuckin baby when Beyonce never showed up.
Usher was horrible and ruined my damn night!

DetroitRockCity said...

u are awesome!!!! god bless u and ur blog! im a fan for life.

jt smith said...

LMFAO haha its JT again, I knew I had to throw my fellow BEYONCE fans a curb ball lmao.. I was jkk I am A RIHANNA fan.. But everyone knows BEYONCE is first!

Anyways, lmao I was expecting BEE to perform..and it wasn't the same without her, what is Michael Jackson without his nose? EXACTLY nothing. Thats what the BET awards without Beyonce is. We missed her.. And Yes TBE did go 3x platinum, but that isn't 3 million, that is 300,000 sold.

Very good for a MUSICDVD! Rihanna is racking them the hits though BEFORE beyonce comes outta hibernation.

bee fan said...

I gotta admit I was hopping to see Bee at the BET Awards this year
the show sucked without her.

melissa said...

Yeah, I was mad too. Lil Wayne was high when he said that. Then again he said "....supposed...." Well anyway, keep updating and let people know that you are a bee fan b/c a lot of people think you're a hater. I hate that shit too, like it's just a little humor people.

Anonymous said...

I tried to watch it this weekend, keeping in mind your commentary, but was too through by the end of Usher's performance. how they gon allow the opening act to lipsync? when i saw that I was done. not saying that hasn't happened before at other award shows, and I don't watch award shows much, but still. tv went off.

Anonymous said...

This is HILLARIOUS! Keep 'em coming.

rihanna sucks said...

LOL!!! I know I was mad. Refreshing YouTube... googling dailymotions... nothing! Yea yea SWV Envogue TLC blah blah... can't wait til somebody post that Usher performance! It's the remix yall!!! Bey gone kill it! Show 'em how it's done! But then it came... the 1st YouTube video. A man in his 40's cursin out his son because Usher performance was over & no Beyonce. He flipped the cam to the tv screen I saw Usher... alone :-0 the horror!!!

BET has been banned in my house for over 2 years, so I have to watch bits & pieces on the net.

The heart break! But um... they're saying since she's in the promo shot for Fashion Rocks mag... she's performing September 9th. I refuse to get my hopes up & I refuse to watch 2 hours of music I don't like just for them to let me know... I FELL FOR IT AGAIN!!!

Anonymous said...

Curtis loves beyonceitis. Marching .....10...1!

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