Hater 2 U

I read comments about this site from people who don't read anything aside from Beyonce CD booklets and are not aware of the concept of satire. These people have accused me of being an undercover "hater" who is trying to mask my dislike of Beyonce through jokes. I say to those people "Eat A Dick". I am a fan... perhaps slightly stannish. If you saw how much I spent to attend the Beyonchichi Experience you would know how much of a fan I am but I have nothing to prove to you. However I would like to take this time to explain the difference between a "hater" and a "stan" and several other types of people I've encountered on blogs and message boards.


TYPE #1 - THE HARDCORE STAN

-- Hardcore stans don't have much of a sense of humor when it comes to Beyonce. Hardcore stans don't find this site funny at all. Hardcore stans think Tina Knowles is a fashion genius and Beyonce was born with sandy blonde long hair and Kelly Rowland is a worldwide superstar.

-- When you wake up the first thing you do is go to Google News and type in Beyonce. You want to know everything she does as soon as she does it. If she wipes her ass you want high-quality photos so you can make it the wallpaper on your computer desktop.

-- Your dream is to die and return to Earth as Beyonce's tampon.

-- "Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Rihanna, Kid Rock, and Mariah Carey will all appear at Fashion Rocks."

That sentence makes you mad because Beyonce's name is not first.

-- You probably have no friends.

Why you do what you do: You rep for Beyonce and that's fine. She needs people like you. It's people like you who pay $700 for meet and greet passes, it's people like you who camp out overnight for concert tickets. It's people like you who buy songs 4800 times on iTunes. People like you are also the reason why she has big scary-looking bodyguards with concealed weapons. CALM THE FUCK DOWN!

Why you're funny to me: It's really not that serious. It's just entertainment.
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TYPE #2 THE HARDCORE HATER

-- You go through all the trouble of registereing on a message board, and you have more posts than most hardcore stans, the only difference is you don't seem to like Beyonce that much.

-- You spend your spare time looking for some video, photo, or comment that makes Beyonce look like a damn fool.

-- You always have a sideways comment, no matter what the topic.

-- You will not waste an opportunity to criticize Beyonce's wardrobe, personality, hair, etc. Anything anybody posts about Beyonce you make it a point to be a negative asshole. It doesn't even have to be about Beyonce and you will go out of your way to post something negative about Beyonce.

EXAMPLE:

Me: Do you think Obama will improve our economy?

You: I don't know. I can't stand Beyonce.

Me: What does that have to do with what I just asked you?

You: I don't know, she overrated.


Why you do what you do: You're trying to prove a point to Beyonce fans that she's not as hot as they think she is, however that's like going to a club that you think is wack just to tell the people there that you think the club is wack. Doesn't it make more sense to let them enjoy the club and you go to a club that you don't think is wack?

Why you're funny to me: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ON A BEYONCE MESSAGE BOARD? I MEAN... REALLY? IT'S SAD...
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TYPE #3 FAIRWEATHER FAN

-Your like or dislike of Beyonce depends on her "hotness" at the moment. If she releases a single that doesn't quite hit #1 then she's wack and played out. If she has a #1 song then she's the best thing in the world.

Why you do what you do: You flip-flop back and foward to create the illusion that you have good taste and only align yourself with "hot artists".

Why you're funny to me: Cause YOU'RE wack and played out...
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TYPE #4 UNDERCOVER AGENT

- You seem to be a Beyonce fan, in your posts you say you like most of her stuff, so why is there a big ass picture of Rhiannashanti in your siggy?

Why you do what you do: You are on a Beyonce board to do 2 things. 1. Promote your favorite artist. 2. Keep up with the "competition.:

Why you're funny to me: Most undercover agents post at other artist's boards so that they can promote other artists, they pretend to be big fans of Beyonce but their TRUE intetions are revealed whenever an argument breaks out.
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TYPE #5 THE STRAIGHT GAY FAN

-- Word on the curb is that you snap for the kids. You say you're not gay but I have a YouTube video of you dropping down low and sweepin the flo' with it that says otherwise.

-- Beyonce is sort of like your beard. You say you want to marry Beyonce. If someone sees a big ass poster of Beyonce in your room they won't realize that deep down you don't WANT Beyonce... you want to be Beyonce.

Why you're funny to me: You say you like girls but there has never been any documentation that you've seen any parts of pussy aside from when you were squished out of one, and you're on a BEYONCE message board. Not saying all of Beyonce's male fans are gay. She has a lot of straight male fans (in Europe and Asia).

It's such a pretty day outside... why don't you COME OUT and play.

Why you do what you do: I guess it's hard to be who you are... even on the internet... but as Bernie Mac said "Be Yourself. If people don't like you if you're being yourself FUCK 'EM!"

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

---Dr. Seuss
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Type #6 THE HOMOPHOBE

--- You don't care too much for the homosexicals, and you use all kinds of gay slurs and homophobic comments in your posts.

--- Why you're funny to me: BEYONCE IS A GAY ICON! You're on a gay icon's message being homophobic. Beyonce has gay stylists, dancers, choreographers, band members, and more, and she's pretty much a big ass drag queen herself. Beyonce is bought to us by a team of fabulous homosexuals so how can you be homophobic?
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TYPE #7 WIG CRYPT'S NEXT TOP MODEL

--You have a HUGE picture of yourself in your siggy which would be fine if you were something cute to look at, but you're not.

-- You seem to have a lot of self-confidence otherwise you wouldn't put a big ass picture of yourself on a message board, but you probably suffer from one of the following ailments:

--Hairline Malfunctions
-- Fat Assery
-- Too Much Lip Gloss
-- Clothes Too Tight, Too Small, or just Dead Ass Wrong
-- You're just generally tragic looking...

Why you do what you do: I guess you're trying to get a modeling deal, or trying to get people to tell you how cute you are which would be fine if you didn't look like King Kong in the face.

Why you're funny to me: People laugh at your pictures and don't tell you. They send private messages about you. They're laughing at you right now.
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TYPE #8 - THE KNOW IT ALL

-- The "Know It All" speaks as if he/she knows Beyonce personally. Like they go to TGI Fridays with Beyonce on the regular... like they go to Target with Tina every Sunday to shop for shower curtains to turn into tour outfits.

-- The "Know It All" speaks as if they have some secret source or scoop close to Beyonce who feeds them information.

-- The "Know It All" never starts a sentence with "I think..." or "In my opinion". The "Know It All" always speaks as if what they are saying is absolute proven fact.

-- The "Know It All" usually types in long paragraphs knowing good and well Negroes won't read anything over 2 sentences. You can hide your credit card and your social security number in a book and Negroes won't find it if it's not on the first page. (I'm Colored so i can say this and you know it's true.)

Why You Do What You Do: You pride yourself on being able to be the first to break news, or being able to say you know something that most people don't know...

Why You're Funny To Me: Cause you don't know shit! You don't know anymore than the average fan. You just took a bunch of stories you've heard, mixed it with things you know about Beyonce and the rest of it you made up by yourself and you go on message boards and present it as fact.
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If you don't fit any of the above categories and you are just there for entertainment you owe it to society to call these people out. So please take some time out of your day to call them out. Name names. Be messy... and tell me all about it.


32 comments:

Keane said...

I can't be laughing like this at work. CANNOT.

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

Ok... now Imma have to find a message board and get me some popcorn and see who is who!

*lol*

-OG

Dirrtyboi805 said...

Hardocore Hater at Beyonce's IMDB page....her name is Collegedropoutchick. Find her, you'll see that I'm right. Great blogging, as always. When do we get part 2 of the FHAB Meeting?

Anonymous said...

Omg...truest shit I ever heard. This was dead on. Keep up the good work.

DetroitRockCity said...

aint that the truth

Anonymous said...

soooo true :) . the biggest hater is though that ugly chick who is monica's #1 fan. i swear she has a talent for truning every event in to a bash beyonce blog.

Anonymous said...

Sandrarose.....that's who you talking about...she's a Monica and Rihanna die hard groupie.

Maven said...

Please don't stop blogging every day once this week is over.

Anonymous said...

Just reading this post had me in ecstasy. ...I mean...XTC.

Keep up the gooooood work. Now excuse me while i go LMAO at some of those Wig Crypt Top Model siggies!

Don't Hate Me said...

It's okay that I'm a hardcore than for Beyonceitis right?

Oh well...

I'm finna go expose a few of these bitches right now.

Anonymous said...

Wow.... You're pretty much one of the funniest people ever. I really think Beyonce needs a daily dose of this blog in her life.

n0days0ff said...

lol i was thinking of sandra rose too.shes a mix of a beyaki hater/beyaki stan.shes so confused she doesnt know if she hates her or wants to be her

Jaska said...

I should make a thread naming all these people on BW hahaha. nah.

motorbike said...

i know more straight gay beyonce fans than i care to.

Mealy said...

Beyonce is da truth niggas!!!!!

chef said...

DAMN! I seen this chick over at Beyonce World Message Board, that has her pic in her siggy and she looks like a straight GORILLA!!
Taking bout "Model in the Making"
Im like wtf u modeling Hasmat Suits???
I forgot her name but she there and need 2 take her ugly ass picture off please Im tired of lookin at it!!!

Anonymous said...

GENIUS I tell you! Complete and utter GENIUS!

Anonymous said...

i think i'm a cross between stan and know it all.but there is this boy name colly on mto he is a hardcore hater.he go on all beyonce blog to hate.

soulwriter said...

Dayum, ain't NONE of these fit me---I could call myself a fan I guess, since I've interviewed 2/3 of DC and I get paid to write about the chick. LOOOOOOOOOOVE this site Boo, HOLLA!!!

Anonymous said...

damn i fall into 3 catorgories: The Hard Core Stan (but Im not that crazy stan, but I do luv me some bee.) I aint even gone front wen i sall this -- "Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Rihanna, Kid Rock, and Mariah Carey will all appear at Fashion Rocks." i was think y da hell is Justins name first lol

The straight gay fan (shhhhhhhh!)

and The Know It All (but all i state is THE FACTS, majority of the time)

Queen be3 said...

whoeva created this website is a genius........i dint know there are 8 different types of category lmao....don't worry
i'll keep d look out on message boards for dese pple

Anonymous said...

OKAY FIRST OFF LET ME SAY I LOVE THE SITE. HOWEVER, I AM TIRED OF YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO PLAY KELLY ROWLAND. I MEAN IF YOU LOVE BEYONCE LIKE YOU SAY YOU DO YOU WOULDNT DISRESPECT HER "SISTER" LIKE THAT. ALSO, JUST BECAUSE KELLY ISN'T VERY SUCCESSFUL IN THE U.S. DOESNT MEAN SHE IS NOT SUCCESSFUL. SHE HAS DONE VERY WELL IN THE INTERNATIONAL MARKET SO LAY OFF HER CASE.

rihanna sucks said...

I'm a FanTard lol

On BeyonceTakeO...er MediaFakeO... um... MediaTakeOut there's two funny funny posters. Anti-Dumb who apparently knows the entire DC crew (old & new) Matthew Tina Solange baby Daniel and anyone who's come in contact with them. Knows why Beyonce hates being Black & knows why she has a ghost singer that stands in the shadows of the stage belting out tunes for her.

The 2nd callicrew... she knows any & everything you don't know about Beyonce. Like how it's literally impossible to dance AND sing simultaneously.

They both write 10 page thesis on every Beyonce post.

Bossip... the authors. The headline ALWAYS read... For the STANS... then proceed with the newest pic of Beyonce accompanied by the sideways compliment. ie... She looks aite... but everyone looks good in Armani. :-) that particular quote is from today.

Anonymous said...

OKAY FIRST OFF LET ME SAY I LOVE THE SITE. HOWEVER, I AM TIRED OF YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO PLAY KELLY ROWLAND. I MEAN IF YOU LOVE BEYONCE LIKE YOU SAY YOU DO YOU WOULDNT DISRESPECT HER "SISTER" LIKE THAT. ALSO, JUST BECAUSE KELLY ISN'T VERY SUCCESSFUL IN THE U.S. DOESNT MEAN SHE IS NOT SUCCESSFUL. SHE HAS DONE VERY WELL IN THE INTERNATIONAL MARKET SO LAY OFF HER CASE.


OK kelly how many blogs have u posted this on today? PLEASE STOP. Nobody wants to buy the "Ms. Kelly - My Lights Bout To Get Cut Off: Deluxe Platinum Plus edition" Chalk it up to experience. Dont get mad, chill, and wait for beyonce to garner enough pity to do another Destiny's Child album

melissa said...

I done seen them all! lol

melissa said...

I done seen them all! lol

Anonymous said...

LMAO!!!!

Anonymous said...

Biggest beyonce haters are MISS JONE, MEDIA TAKEOUT, PEREZ HILTON, SANDRA ROSE

if ya'll see the picture of this people you'll reliase they are UGLY FAT INSECURE LOWLIFES who earn $1 per day :P

MELISSA said...

The hardcore hater is here: http://www.youtube.com/user/ptk4eva
COPY AND PASTE INTO YOUR ADDRESS BAR

Anonymous said...

did somebody really type "truest"????
wtf???

sam said...

ok this boy gavin is a HARDCORE STAN. on mto he's gavinluvsbeyonce he has a dailymotion under the username gavinluvs beyonce and his myspace is gavinluvs beyonce. not to mention his avatar is a picture of him meeting beyonce.

as for me, im somewhere in between a stan and a know it all. but this site CRACKS ME UP! my friends always say that im too hardcore for beyonce but this straight up describes how i feel lol

THE OGB said...

Here is a great combination of a fair-weather fan and a know it all. http://www.bwboard.net/index.php?topic=69429.msg1776098#msg1776098

Apparantley this fair weather fan who only likes Beyonce when she looks emaciated and in need of a Popeye’s 2-piece feels Beyonce shouldn’t perform her new single at Fashion Rocks if that was indeed the plan. She just doesn’t think it’ll be right and like all know it all’s she is usually right about these kinds of things. It doesn’t matter that she hasn’t given Beyonce a positive compliment for her music since she upstaged JT on his own his own track. I guess she’s still bitter they’ll never run off into the sunset together. Or maybe she think it won’t be the right atmosphere since Beyonce is no longer the fashion icon she once was since Rihanna has stole that title to make up for her lack of talent. Hmm I think you should add a 9th type to this list…..THE SHALLOW FAN who only likes Beyonce when she wears an outfit she approves of and only pays attention to her when she looks emaciated.