The Survivors...

We've been hating on people for 3 days straight so today we will re-visit some Beyonceitis survivors and see if they were able to maintain their status. We also have a few new additions to the survivors list.

Alicia Keys

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Why We Fux With Alicia: She's a great singer, songwriter, and performer and she annoys me the least out of all celebrities.

We're Not Allowed To Talk About: Those tone and pitch issues we discussed yesterday. Plus, her first solo arena tour did just OK. A lot of critics (and I) said that she is best suited for smaller venues, and apparently she's agrees since the 2nd leg of the U.S. tour will be in theaters.

Why She's Immune: She's always held her own in spite of Beyonceitis, and she has 11 Grammys, one more Grammy than Beyonce (I hate it too).

How Beyonce Makes Money Off Alicia: They toured together in 2004 and I'm sure if there were any Matthew Knowles Mathematics involved the money wasn't split 50/50. I'm just sayin...

If She Wasn't Famous Alicia Would Be: Music teacher or volunteering teaching music to inner city youth.

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Ciara

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Why We Fux With Ciara: "Promise" is probably one of the best R&B records of the past 10 years. There are still vocal shortcomings but she's grown (a bit) and at least she sings live. You might not like the sounds that come out of her microphone but at least her microphone is turned on.

We're Not Allowed to Talk About: Like A Boy wasn't the big follow-up hit that she needed, and her BIG film starring role "Mama I wish I could Wanna Sing" is headed skraight (yep, skraight) to DVD.

Why She's Immune: Evolution went platinum in the U.S. (DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GO PLATINUM THESE DAYS?) She's a great dancer, and has just enough vocal talent to put it all together and be a good entertainer. I admire how she tries to be innovative and try new things (I have high hopes for her next album) and her performance with Chris Brown at the BET Awards shows that how much her style has evolved over the past few years.

How Beyonce Makes Money Off Ciara: Ciara is a spokesperson for RocaWear.

If She Wasn't Famous Ciara Would Be: A choreographer, girls basketball coach, or sitting in Lil Mama's chair on America's Best Dance Crew.

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Mary J. Blige

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Why We Fux With Mary: She's a legend and opened the door for all the young R&B Hip/Hop chicks of today.

We're Not Allowed To Talk About: The BIGGEST hit off her last album peaked at #5 on the R&B charts.

Why She's Immune: She's been in the game almost 20 years and can sale 600,000+ the first week. Her (mainstream) career has grown rather than fallen off.

How Beyonce Makes Money Off Mary: Jay-Z and Mary's tour grossed more than $30 million and you know about $20 million went into the wig fund for Beyonce's 3rd album.

If She Wasn't Famous Mary would be: A regular guest on Maury...

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Mariah Carey

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Why We Fux With Mariah: When Touch My Body Went to #1 it proved that Mariah can fart into a microphone and it would go #1. Also if Beyonce stopped promoting B'Day to marry Nick Cannon and skip around Six Flags like she was 12 years old you'd say she had lost her mind. Only Mariah can get away with that. Mariah is as nutty as a Snickers bar and we love her for it.

We're Not Allowed To Talk About: "Touch My Body" was the 2nd dumbest song of the year (NOTE TO ALL SONGWRITERS: I don't wanna touch your body or make love in the gat damn club!) And "Bye Bye" was sort of a... umm... (starts with 'F' rhymes with mop) I'm also curious to see if her voice can survive another tour.

Why She's Immune: She's been in the game almost 20 years and one of the most versatile artists ever. Very few artists can do a song like "Hero" then do a song like "Touch My Body".

How Beyonce Makes Money Off Mariah: Mariah is signed to Def Jam and I'm sure when Jay-Z was president at Def Jam, Beyonce tore up the Popeye's drive thru with some of that "Emancipation of Mimi" money.

If She Wasn't Famous Mariah Would Be: The devil told me to say that she'd be a stripper named Champagne, but I can't really picture Mariah unfamous. If she wasn't a solo megastar she'd probably be the lead singer of a multi-racial singing group... sort of like that girl group... ummm... I forget the name... Damian Dame, Donkey Kong... Danity Kane?

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***NEW ENTRY****

Keyshia Cole

Why We Fux With Keyshia: Hit reality show and 2 platinum albums in the last 2 years.

We're Not Allowed to Talk About: Her BET Awards vocal performance. She looked nice though...

Why She's Immune: Her last album produced 3 #1 R&B singles which is a pretty good achievement so she has proved she can have a solid career without being compared to anyone else.

How Beyonce Makes Money Off Keyshia: Keyshia's mom Frankie is the new spokesperson for House of Dereon's new line of bedazzled freakum dentures.

If She Wasn't Famous Keyshia Would Probably Be: Starting parking lot knife fights with Mary J. Blige.

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****NEW ENTRY**** Ne-Yo

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Why We Fux With Ne-Yo: I'm sure you're wondering why Ne-Yo is on this list since it's all women...but if you look in his eyes then you would know that Ne-Yo is a true lady of soul. And it always warms my heart when average-looking people become superstars.

We're Not Allowed to Talk About: Ne-Yo has gotten a little arrogant lately... despite the fact that all of his sounds have started sounding alike...

Why She's Immune: Although he has a face made for radio, he's become quite the MTV superstar. Plus, Ne-yo has written a rediculous number of hit songs and even upstaged Usher at the BET Awards this year.

How Beyonce Makes Money Off Ne-Yo: One word: Irreplaceable.

If She Wasn't Famous Ne-Yo Would Probably Be: Somewhere directing a choir...

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Usher (Honorable Mention)

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Why We Fux With Usher: 15 years in the game and after two hit multi-platinum albums, numerous hit singles, in 2004 Usher finally achieved the mainstream success he so desperately wanted when "Confessions" became the biggest selling album of the year and his tour sold our arenas around the world.

We're Not Allowed to Talk About: Usher doesn't quite have Beyonceitis, he has MichaelJacksonitis. MichaelJacksonitis is a disease where your personal life becomes too much of distraction from your music, seriously affecting your fan base and the general public's perception of you. Victims include Bobby Brown, R. Kelly, Tevin Campbell, and now MichaelJacksonitis has claimed Usher.

How He Can Fix It: He's only a Timbaland hit and a Deluxe DVD Re-release away from regaining his crown...if he REALLY wants it, but lately it just seems that he doesn't care.

If He Wasn't Famous he Would Be: One of Beyonce's male back-up dancers.

I Think It's Funny That: Cheating, lying Usher on Confessions sells 10 million. Married with children Usher has barely gone platinum.
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16 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are TOP BLOGGER in my book....bowing down...this shit is so funny and true...you have a typo when you get to Mariah marrying Nick...you see Beyonce marrying Nick.

bee fan said...

The Ne-Yo one had me rolling. I love how your updating the site everyday, thanx!

Anonymous said...

lmao this shit iz 2 funni wowz i gotmy laugh fo tha day.

srewolf said...

"Keyshia's mom Frankie is the new spokesperson for House of Dereon's new line of bedazzled freakum dentures."

u crazy!!!! love it

n0days0ff said...

genius.cant wait to see how you top the week off

Anonymous said...

Lol, you are hilarious! Thanks for the daily updates!

Anonymous said...

this site has become my fav blog to check out everyday. you are too funny.

bozo said...

the best fucking blog in the whole fucking blogosphere!!!! never stop!!!

Amber said...

When I got to Ne-yo I think my heart stopped...LMAO wow!

soulwriter said...

Alicia brought it when I saw her in May, but I can't handle Mariah's psycho tendencies, sorry. Mary is my girl FO' LIIIIIIIIFE, and Ursh? He does need to separate the personal life from the persona. You KILLED me with the caption, DAYUM!!! Keep posting, I see you!!! :o)

chef said...

U had me rollin!!!!
It midnight and everybody in my house sleep but my dumbass up readin this crazy shit!

Mellissa said...

you're hilarious!! love it, love it!

melissa said...

Lmao! Ne-yo's picture says 1000 words, and lmao at restbushia and Norbit. I do love me some Usher, and I agree with you on the "it's funny that:"

Afrodite said...

I love it. I absolutely love it. I aint got nothing but good things to say about Ms. Keys. I'm going to ignore her "new" sound and just focus on her overall success.

Ciara:

We're also not allowed to talk about that awful hermaphordite rumor. She could soooo be a judge on ABDC!

Mary J.

If Mary wasn't singing she could also swing a part-time gig at Joyce's Beauty Supply and Wigs.

Mariah:

I'm so glad that we are addressing that terrible "Touch My Body" song. I swear, it's not even the same Mariah. I mean, Nick Cannon? Really? Nickelodeon Nick Cannon? Psssh...

Keyshia:

I fucks with Keyshia. She's from Oakland. Enough said. If she weren't singing she's be helping her mom sell bootleg Gucci bags at the Oakland Flea Market.

Ne-Yo:

He could soooo direct a choir (no homo). This past weekend I was basking in his mediocre looks and uh, yeah...that's about it.

Usher:

Eh...too easy.

Chris said...

"If She Wasn't Famous Mariah Would Be: The devil told me to say that she'd be a stripper named Champagne"

I really didnt want to be the one to have to say it, so thank you...

Blogger said...

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