Today I have a question for the (straight) fellas who visit this site... all 3 of them...
Let's say you meet the perfect girl, you love her more than the $1 Menu at McDonalds. But sometimes she's too clingy. She follows you everywhere. She wants to be all up on you, ALL THE DAMN TIME! She starts to get on your nerves. Then next thing you know this other girl comes along and gives that 20% you're not getting at home. She seems fun, exciting, wild, and edgy, and she puts her mouth on everything! Then after awhile you realize, she's really not someone you want to be with for awhile. She can't cook, she can't clean, she can't do laundry, she has no marketable skills, no real ambition. She just looks nice, spends all your money, drives all the gas out your car and eats all your damn Hot Pockets! She's nice for the moment but you can't imagine what kind of a future she has.
Beyonce was as close to perfect as we could get. She was the girl we thought we'd spend the rest of our lives with. But she hung around too much. Got too comfortable. Called all the damn time. Then texted. Then called asking why you didn't text her back, then texted asking why you didn't call her back. She was everywhere you were. She didn't give you a chance to miss her. It got to be too much so you stepped on over to Rihanna, who seemed new and exciting. Now Beyonce is gone. We haven't seen her all year. She doesn't return our calls. We miss her and we want her back. But we're stuck with this non-cooking, non-cleaning, non-singing, non-dancing, non-writing side chick who has confused herself with a wifey and refuses to leave.
The topic of today's show:
5 Reasons Why Beyonce Stans Should Stop Hating on Rihanna.
1. SHE'S NOT THE WORST - Granted, she's not the best vocalist but (for better or worse) you can't deny that she sounds exactly like or very similar to her records. And dance-wise...um... I like that one move where she bobs her head to the left, then shocks the crowd by suddenly moving it to the right... she's so innovative.
2. BECAUSE YOU LIKE HER MUSIC - We may hate in public but you like her stuff. She just went #1 for the 4th time... somebody's buying her shit. And producers will always give artists like her the best songs because they don't have to worry about any strong vocals overpowering their beats.
3. SHE HAS "STYLE" AND "ATTITUDE" - I'm not sure what this means, but Rihanna stans like her cause she's got "style and attitude". I'm sorry if you're in the music business you need to be able to sing, dance, and/or write a damn song. If all you have is style and attitude you should be on America's Next Top Gaddamn Model. You shouldn't be winning Grammys while Tierra Mari is stuck in Detroit rollerskating at Sonic's. But she has style and attitude so I guess that's good enough for you kids.
4. BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS - I know I call her a lot of names, but I feel like she's a nice girl who would be fun to hang out with, and as we learned from the Ashanti episode of the Beyonceitis Show, personality goes a LONG way. Sometimes I feel bad for her. I think she thought she would come to America become a superstar and become best friends with Beyonce. And although now she is a superstar she might be a little hurt with the fact that Beyonce doesn't want to be her friend, or the fact that Beyonce rolls her eyes at her, or gives her the finger, or has thrown a shoe at her, or has let the air out of her tires, or has tried to run her off the road on 4 different occasions. Why can't we be friends?
5. BECAUSE SHE'S CREOLE. That's right. I didn't want to say anything, but it's true.
SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!
Bajan is an English-based Creole language spoken by persons on the West Indian island of Barbados...
I contacted a local college professor who specializes in the study of African American and slave history and he provided me proof that Beyonce's relatives and Rihanna's relatives worked on the same plantation with Ne-Yo's relatives. (Actually Beyonce and Rihanna's relatives sat in the house drinking iced tea while Ne-Yo's relatives worked, and then they took all the credit.)
So it is HIGHLY likely that Beyonce and Rihanna are cousins so we're going to try to be nice to Rihanna because us Creoles have to stick together...and stuff...
This will probably be the last week I do any (FREE) promos. I've learned the hard way that you can't be nice to some minorities. Ashanti's sister
Say something positive about Rihanna...
Jesus will frown on you if you don't...