ARTIST PROMO DAY --- DAY 3

FREE ARTIST PROMO WEEK --- DAY 3

Today I have a question for the (straight) fellas who visit this site... all 3 of them...

Let's say you meet the perfect girl, you love her more than the $1 Menu at McDonalds. But sometimes she's too clingy. She follows you everywhere. She wants to be all up on you, ALL THE DAMN TIME! She starts to get on your nerves. Then next thing you know this other girl comes along and gives that 20% you're not getting at home. She seems fun, exciting, wild, and edgy, and she puts her mouth on everything! Then after awhile you realize, she's really not someone you want to be with for awhile. She can't cook, she can't clean, she can't do laundry, she has no marketable skills, no real ambition. She just looks nice, spends all your money, drives all the gas out your car and eats all your damn Hot Pockets! She's nice for the moment but you can't imagine what kind of a future she has.









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Beyonce was as close to perfect as we could get. She was the girl we thought we'd spend the rest of our lives with. But she hung around too much. Got too comfortable. Called all the damn time. Then texted. Then called asking why you didn't text her back, then texted asking why you didn't call her back. She was everywhere you were. She didn't give you a chance to miss her. It got to be too much so you stepped on over to Rihanna, who seemed new and exciting. Now Beyonce is gone. We haven't seen her all year. She doesn't return our calls. We miss her and we want her back. But we're stuck with this non-cooking, non-cleaning, non-singing, non-dancing, non-writing side chick who has confused herself with a wifey and refuses to leave.

The topic of today's show:

5 Reasons Why Beyonce Stans Should Stop Hating on Rihanna.

1. SHE'S NOT THE WORST - Granted, she's not the best vocalist but (for better or worse) you can't deny that she sounds exactly like or very similar to her records. And dance-wise...um... I like that one move where she bobs her head to the left, then shocks the crowd by suddenly moving it to the right... she's so innovative.

2. BECAUSE YOU LIKE HER MUSIC - We may hate in public but you like her stuff. She just went #1 for the 4th time... somebody's buying her shit. And producers will always give artists like her the best songs because they don't have to worry about any strong vocals overpowering their beats.

3. SHE HAS "STYLE" AND "ATTITUDE" - I'm not sure what this means, but Rihanna stans like her cause she's got "style and attitude". I'm sorry if you're in the music business you need to be able to sing, dance, and/or write a damn song. If all you have is style and attitude you should be on America's Next Top Gaddamn Model. You shouldn't be winning Grammys while Tierra Mari is stuck in Detroit rollerskating at Sonic's. But she has style and attitude so I guess that's good enough for you kids.

4. BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS - I know I call her a lot of names, but I feel like she's a nice girl who would be fun to hang out with, and as we learned from the Ashanti episode of the Beyonceitis Show, personality goes a LONG way. Sometimes I feel bad for her. I think she thought she would come to America become a superstar and become best friends with Beyonce. And although now she is a superstar she might be a little hurt with the fact that Beyonce doesn't want to be her friend, or the fact that Beyonce rolls her eyes at her, or gives her the finger, or has thrown a shoe at her, or has let the air out of her tires, or has tried to run her off the road on 4 different occasions. Why can't we be friends?

5. BECAUSE SHE'S CREOLE. That's right. I didn't want to say anything, but it's true.

SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!

Bajan is an English-based Creole language spoken by persons on the West Indian island of Barbados...

I contacted a local college professor who specializes in the study of African American and slave history and he provided me proof that Beyonce's relatives and Rihanna's relatives worked on the same plantation with Ne-Yo's relatives. (Actually Beyonce and Rihanna's relatives sat in the house drinking iced tea while Ne-Yo's relatives worked, and then they took all the credit.)

So it is HIGHLY likely that Beyonce and Rihanna are cousins so we're going to try to be nice to Rihanna because us Creoles have to stick together...and stuff...

This will probably be the last week I do any (FREE) promos. I've learned the hard way that you can't be nice to some minorities. Ashanti's sister Kashif ShiShi acted a damn fool in the comment section on Tuesday. This is what happens when you try to do something nice...

Say something positive about Rihanna...

Jesus will frown on you if you don't...


33 comments:

samosa278 said...

whats with all the strikethroughs?

nevertheless, i love this site!

EtienneEvolution said...

This is just classic. I love it

Anonymous said...

This is the best blog to ever have been created period. Omg I swear this will be the death of me. There was just too many hilarious moments.

Sam said...

gross.

i'm sorry as hard as i try i cannot stop hatin on her big @ss forehead, no dancin self. i give her until next may.


wear another color but black

soulwindow said...

I like Rihject. She came up (crossed over) since S.O.S...

*runs*

Anonymous said...

Omfg! You are unrealisticly hilariously capable of bringing my jaw to a slow and unfaltering hanging drop whenever I read your blog. Today as I read this I kept going back to the beginning trying to figure out who the first chick was and then I read the second chick and I was like Cassie, so the first one MUST be Kim Porter but then I thought even he(you the writer) isn't dense enough to try and force us to stop loving him by promoting that hooker with the stripper name. But when it was rih(e)a(d)nna and then Beyonce not even I was ready for that. A fly bout damn flew in my mouth by jaw was open for so long. This entry was so funny that it took me a while to process it and then remember to laugh. Who are you? I

Lil' Creole Pimp said...

Creole my ass. I doubt that I'm of any relation to 5Ton4Head. I ain't sayin' shit nice 'bout her... Pidgeon pussy ho. Lil' Creole Pimp in this bitch!

sashagirlwho said...

Well, I can say RhiRhi does do a fine job of pretending to be someone else, cause ol girl hasn't convinced me entirely that the person she and others present her to be is (even near) the person she actually is.

but she's cute (even with the forehead), seemingly sweet, and young and I empathize (to an extent). Hopefully, she'll find her real self soon.

In the meantime, the queen (Bee) will continue to reign with her authentic creole swagger.

Anonymous said...

Homie, you speak nothin' but the truth on this site!!

As much as I love to hate on Rihanna..I do like her sh!t..lol..Beyonce ain't here..I've over-played DIL and B'day, and the DC albums..The GGGB lp is keeping me warm until the Queen returns..

This some scarey stuff...how do you know what goes on in my mind?!? I've said all of this stuff about Rihanna too myself..(you one of them attractive gay blk men too)!! LMAO!

soulwriter said...

I just had to endure her monotone at Poor Man's Music a minute ago, so give me a minute to recover.

Um, well, let's see....my 2-year-old and her older brother LOVED the "Umbrella/Cinderella" remix with Jigga and Chris Brown, holla!!!

Can't say I didn't try...

Anonymous said...

hahahahah. you killed me with "neyo's family work while Rihanna and Bee's took the credit". tooooo funnny. i guess old habits die hard. :)

Anonymous said...

i ain't gonna lie, i use to like that goat groaning creole until she decieded she doesn't want to be a woman anymore, so she cut her hair so she can go out with the gay dude (chris brown) then she said fuck you creole, i wanna be white and to prove her point, she.. i mean he decieded to come out with disturbia. SELL OUT.

Mr. Ordinary said...

Lmao! What happened to the message Board!!!!!???

Bring It Back!!!

NaturallyAlise said...

"Her fivehead is not as big as Tyra's"

so good good said...

lol this week is gettin better and better
^^
once again i loooved this post XD

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

Man I was hoping you would do one for Solange!!

-OG

Anonymous said...

I swear to god, if Rihanna's brother, show up in this post. Like ShiShi sold up.

Rorrey/Rajad said...

[bajan accent] Yessir, this is Rorey and Rajad, Robyn's brothers....dont talk about sister my on this site. I will get the cutlass and planas ya ass.. BAJAN in here. Yes I will drown Beyonce in Accra beach.. keep testing me, all that weave can't float! Well maybe them fake titties that Jay paid for she can float. And the next time Beyonce does an ad it will be for ambi cream (bleach) not COVERGIRL! Because Robyn has that down pack, she wants to be SASHA? yes thats a jamaican reggae singer.. who beyonce stole!

-- aka love in this tub!

Love in the Tub said...

Momma/Miss/Captain of Designs/House of Dereon Head Lady in Charge/Mother of Beyonce/sometimes Solange-Kelly/Michelle's pay master/Tina,

I swear that was not my comment above mine =/

Can we promote Beyonce Lite = Christina Milian?

MARIAH CAREY COULD REALLY USE SOME PROMO..her stans willl flood the site!

Love in the Tub said...

BTW that chick with tha mop head (Monica's ex-friend from the boy is mine).. i forgot her name? Her new single leaked... and her stans is comparing her to beyonce.. talkin about "QUEEN B".. BAH-ROCKA is backk..


bitch pls!
(atleast shes NOT in prison, and lil kim/foxxy's ex special friend isnt tossing that)

mimi819 said...

Quick question has any other Bey stan besides myself hear that her new album is supposedly called "Virtuoso Intellect" and will be released Nov. 18

Anonymous said...

I actually heard miss Ri Ri isn't all that friendly. I was told that she was a "Stuck up Bitch" by someone who's been around her.

Anonymous said...

I actually heard miss Ri Ri isn't all that friendly. I was told that she was a "Stuck up Bitch" by someone who's been around her.

Anonymous said...

I actually heard miss Ri Ri isn't all that friendly. I was told that she was a "Stuck up Bitch" by someone who's been around her.

Anonymous said...

To the other Bey-stan...I heard that too...I'm not really buying it though..whomever wrote it made it sound convincing as hell though..mad props!! haha

Don't Hate Me said...

Shi-Shi, go comb your sideburns.

Lil Ray-Ray said...

[bajan accent] Yessir, this is Rorey and Rajad, Robyn's brothers....dont talk about sister my on this site. I will get the cutlass and planas ya ass.. BAJAN in here. Yes I will drown Beyonce in Accra beach.. keep testing me, all that weave can't float! Well maybe them fake titties that Jay paid for she can float. And the next time Beyonce does an ad it will be for ambi cream (bleach) not COVERGIRL! Because Robyn has that down pack, she wants to be SASHA? yes thats a jamaican reggae singer.. who beyonce stole!

-- aka love in this tub!

_____________________________

Rihanna girl, quit playing we know it's you.

Aera C. said...

LMAO

this is so true tho.

Chris said...

Ill stop hating on her when she stops sounding like a goat recieving a blowjob.

Jewelry Rockstar said...

OMG!!! You are too much with that Rih Rih bit. You gotta come out and do standup. Hilarious!!

rihanna sucks said...

Oh hell muthafukkin no I ain't sayin $h1t nice about this GOAT YODELING TRICK!!! Muthafukk RiFeyoncedonna Mansonguilera & the dikk she rode in on!!!!!

OK! Fine! DAMN!!!

Ummm... her bleaching cream is better than Lil Kim's & Trina's :-D

Anonymous said...

Naaa I can take about another 5 year vacay from Beyonce. Absence makes the heart grow fonder!

Wig Crypt Creeper said...

"You shouldn't be winning Grammys while Tierra Mari is stuck in Detroit rollerskating at Sonic's. "


dead