I had originally planned to set aside today to promote artists who have albums coming out. I was actually going to interview and promote female artists without hating on them. So I got up and got dressed to meet Michelle Williams for our interview to promote her new album (SIDEBAR: Michelle is very beautiful and very sweet in person. When I went to visit her at her day job at Cinnabon she gave me 2 extra icings FOR FREE!) As I was eating my Cinnabon I ran into some of Beyonce's cousins, LaKeesha Dereon, Damneesha Dereon, Watootsie Dereon, Honesty Dereon, Charity Dereon, and Accountability Dereon. We started talking, and they let me know some very shocking and surprising news about their cousin Baby Daniel.
First, Baby Daniel's status is not hood. I know what you're thinking. First Rick Ross, then Plies, and now the realest most dangerous rapper in the industry Baby Daniel. There's just nothing to believe in anymore.
LaKeesha and Damneesha told me that Baby Daniel graduated from college with a 4.0 GPA. THUGS DON'T CARE ABOUT EDUCATION! And that to pay for college he used to work at a animal shelter, caring for sick animals. THUGS DON'T CARE ABOUT ANIMALS!
Baby Daniel attended Miss Geraldine's School of Business, Computer Technology, Fashion, and Hair Design here's his actual college transcript:
Baby Daniel's claim that he stabbed someone is false. It turns out he took the charge for his grandma Tina, after she took a swipe at Janice Combs with her razor after they got in a fight over the last pack of Honey Blond Yaki at Kim's Korean Hair and Nail supply.
Furthermore I was told that Baby Daniel lied in his interview with VIBE magazine, when he said he and Jay-Z were involved in a high speed police chase in Miami and they had hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of drugs in the car.
The truth is Jay and Baby Daniel were pulled over by the police for speeding, and the only reason they were speeding is because Solange forgot her work uniform and they were trying to get it to her before she started her shift at Target. And the only drugs found in the car were Flintstones chewable vitamins for Baby Daniel and laxatives for Jay's old elderly locked-up bowels.
We also uncovered evidence which shows that Baby Daniel started a charitable foundation. THUGS DON'T GIVE BACK TO THE COMMUNITY!
The foundation is called Wigs for Kids, where he donates Beyonce's used lacefront wigs to sick kids and C and D list celebrities who can't afford high quality hair.
So as it turns out Baby Daniel is not a pimp, thug, criminal, or hoodlum. He's a college educated humanitarian.
Although Baby Daniel has yet to issue an official statement his fans and his peers in the music industry have reacted to the news that he is a fraud.
We talked to Shithead (pronounced SHA HEED, the 'T' is silent) Jenkins a Baby Daniel fan off Allhiphop.com. Here's what Shithead had to say:
"I like my rappers high on a combination weed, coke, cough syrup, gasoline, antifreeze, and wind shield wiper fluid. Only that potent mixture can kill just the right amount of brain cells in order for you to be an authentic goon.
I don't know about you but I will not tolerate any positive role models. I like all the entertainers who represent my race to be ignorant, uneducated criminals. When you go on 106 and Park the only words I want to hear are "Ya know what I'm sayin" even if I can't understand a fucking word you say. I will not stand for positivity and education.
Fuck intellectual and insightful. I want ignorant and incoherent!"
Here's what 2 of Baby Daniel's female fans Chevron and Corolla Jackson had to say:
"When we thought Baby Daniel was ignorant we was in love with him cause ignorance is so sexy to us, but now that we know that he has a degree we're never buying any of his CDs again. Niggas with degrees ain't sexy!"
Here's what Bow Wow had to say:
"This is crazy man. I would never do anything like this. I'm like the realest nigga in the industry. I don't write any of my rhymes. I know I'm like the fakest thug in the history of life and I'm just a dip, spin, and drop away from being a butch queen, and I know I when I take my shirt off I look like an anemic glazed chicken, but I ain't ever lied about nothin... I keeps it real!"
Here's what Ashanti had to say:
"I think it's just bananas. I found out yesterday when me and Nelly were spending some quality time together because every week I let him slide my Metro Card down the crack of my ass just for fun. But anyway I think it's bananas to lie and create a false identity. It's just bananas. I'm glad nothing bananas like that has ever happened to me. I've been honest about my past from day one. I've never lied and I've stayed true to myself and my music which is why I'm the success that I am today. Now please drive around and pay at the 1st window and pick your food up at the 2nd window. Thank you."
Here's what Kelly Rowland had to say:
(THE NUMBER YOU'VE DIALED IS TEMPORARILY OUT OF SERVICE. PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER)
Tomorrow some of Baby Daniel's former fans who are against black people being literate, productive members of society will be protesting outside the Creole Compound and burning all of Baby Daniel's CD's and plan to boycott his next album. We'll have more on this story as it develops.