WIG CRYPT MAIL!

Every week (yeah right) I will open the Wig Crypt Mail Bag to answer your questions.

Below is a list of the most commonly asked questions I recieve in my inbox:


Q: Is this site a fan site or a hater site?

A: Yes.

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Q: Why do you always hate on Kelly Rowland?

A: BECAUSE I AM KELLY ROWLAND!

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Q: Why are you such a fan of Beyonce?

A: I'm a fan of old-school natural performers. Before lip-synching, and Pro Tools, and marketing teams, and ringtones. Where it was just you and a mic, a band, a wig, and a spotlight and you had to work it out and if you sucked they booed you (or shot at you, depending on the city). You had to sing and move AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. And Beyonce is as close to an old-school performer as we have right now. Plus I know what's it's like to be hated on for being talented and light-skindededed and and a natural blonde, so in many ways me and Beyonce are soul mates.

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Q: Why Doesn't (Insert Name of Your Favorite Artist) just perform on (Insert Name of Awards Show) or (Insert Name of Talk Show) or be on the cover of (Insert Name of Magazine) to boost their record sales?

A: Promotion is a 2-way street. These shows are not going to book anyone who doesn't attract viewers and these magazine are not going to put anyone on the cover who doesn't generate sales. Beyonce could pick her nose and wipe it on the cover of VIBE and it would sell millions of copies because there is an interest in her. If your favorite artist isn't all on magazines, award shows, and talk shows chances are
no one cares about them. :(


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Q: I'm gay and all my friends are gay and love Beyonce, but I'm just not into her like that. It's something wrong with me?


A: No. As I said previously not all gay men love Beyonce. Only attractive gay men love Beyonce. Unattractive gay men prefer Brandy, Amerie, and such... Old gays still think Janet is the hottest chick in the game, generally wack queens prefer Mariah, homothugs prefer Keyshia Cole, old homothugs prefer Mary J. Blige (we've researced this heavily)


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Q: Beyonce is ok, but I like Rhianna much better. Is there something wrong with me?

A: No. But if you're a Rihanna fan chances are you get a LOT of urinary tract infections and/or "cold sores". I listen to Rhianna's music from time to time because somtimes the sound of a goat groaning over a dance beat soothes me.

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Q: I think Beyonce is overrated, played out, overexposed, her time is up and she needs to go away. What do you think?

A: I think your mother is an old, toothless prostitute who used to sell her ass for $5 and candy bars for 25 cents, and made more money selling candy bars.

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Q: How did Beyonce and Jay-Z Meet?

A: Jay-Z and Matthew Knowles went to high school together. The exact year they graduated is unknown but here is a yearbook pic:
Photobucket

One day Matthew was hot combing his afro because he wanted Tina to braid his hair and put beads on them. Unfortunately, the hotcomb was too hot and all the oil and Creole herbs and spices that Tina put in his hair burst into flames setting Matthew's hair on fire. Jay-Z just happened to be walking by and ran in and put the fire out and saved Matthew's life. Out of gratitude for saving his life, Matthew promised Jay his firstborn child's hand in marriage. And that is how Jay-Z and Beyonce got together.
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35 comments:

Don't Hate Me's Soul said...

Jesus.... Jesus....

Come get me... I'm lost... I don't know what to do... or where to go... All I know is I'm dead!

DEAD!

LMAO & DEAD!

Anonymous said...

Q: I think Beyonce is overrated, played out, overexposed, her time is up and she needs to go away. What do you think?

A: I think your mother is an old, toothless prostitute who used to sell her ass for $5 and candy bars for 25 cents, and made more money selling candy bars.
----------------------------
DEAD!!

bee fan said...

this has to be the funniest post that I've read on here, I was rolling on the floor like literally.

Anonymous said...

Okay I have to ask... Is it one and the same person that writes all of this? If it is then damn what a future you could have in the entertainment industry.

And one more question: Did you make that picture yourself?! YOU ARE KILLING ME, AND IT AIN'T SOFTLY!

Anonymous said...

"Only attractive gay men love Beyonce. Unattractive gay men prefer Brandy, Amerie, and such... Old gays still think Janet is the hottest chick in the game, generally wack queens prefer Mariah, homothugs prefer Keyshia Cole, old homothugs prefer Mary J. Blige (we've researced this heavily)"

SOOOO FUCKING TRUE!!!! HAHAHA....U R AMAZING. I WANNA MARRY YOU!!

Amber said...

LMMFAO....smh! That pic and story combo is pure genius!

Anonymous said...

just know this. i stan for this site harder than i stan for bee.

Anonymous said...

LMAO!!! Wow..homie you are so on point!! I love this site!!

Vanz said...

You are dead ass wrong for those pics of Matthew and Jay.... I McCant

sam said...

LOL BRAID HIS HAIR AND PUT BEADS ON THEM

*dead*

Jaysky_27 said...

Q: Beyonce is ok, but I like Rhianna much better. Is there something wrong with me?

A: No. But if you're a Rihanna fan chances are you get a LOT of urinary tract infections and/or "cold sores". I listen to Rhianna's music from time to time because somtimes the sound of a goat groaning over a dance beat soothes me.

^^^ This is the First Time you spelled Rihannas name correctly!lol

ratchet-chan said...

Okay I can't see because I'm wiping tears from my eyes...

n0days0ff said...

isnt this an old post recycled? either way i still laughed my head off

TJ said...

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU very kindly for that picture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMBFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't deal with this. Not at work. Not right now.

Anonymous said...

Q: Why do you always hate on Kelly Rowland?

A: BECAUSE I AM KELLY ROWLAND!

LOL ha ha

phegwood said...

omg i luv this website so much and the pic on here is funny as hell

soulwriter said...

*Slams laptop shut, stumbles away from the table and collapes, laughing hysterically, into an open grave.*

DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!! HAPPY NOW?!?

Afrodite said...

O.....M....G, I can't.

Jay-Z and the Fredrick Douglass haircut? What about Frederick Douglass being his classmate?

Me thinks they played rugby together....

Sam said...

soulwriter lol

slams laptop shut

i just walked away from mine ROTFL

BabyGurlBee said...

That picture was so crazy!

Don't Hate Me said...

Jay and Freddie were the best of friends and ran with the same clique, the abolitionist... just like our modern day preps but they had a cause.

KJ: Level Orange Stan Alert said...

I.Hate.CHU!!!!

U are freaking hilarious!

#1 B fan said...

this is the best blog on the internet.

Attractive Gay Men Love Beyoncé said...

LoL this is just the best Beyoncé blog ever...I love your humour soooooo much!!!
I'm waitin' for you to comment on this OMG WHITEYONCÉ L'Orébleach thing!!!!!!!!
And the Matt/Jay thing is just devine!!
Go ON!!

Anonymous said...

Lmfao.....

Hilarious...

And why "michelle" aka tenetria's middle have to beulah...u so stupid lol

E. said...

I'm waiting on you to comment on the L'Oreal "digital enhancement" photo as well!! lol

And I really appreciate what you do here with your blog,man. It's so innovative and funny as hell!!!!

Hopefully you'll give us another post tomorrow..you've been so generous these past two weeks!

Mellissa said...

LMAO @ the yearbook pic!!!!!!

Chris said...

you had me in STITCHES with the comments about Rihanna, Beyonce being tired, and the yearbook pic.

melissa said...

i love the answer to beyonce is overated!!

sashagirlwho said...

"I'm a fan of old-school natural performers. Before lip-synching, and Pro Tools, and marketing teams, and ringtones. Where it was just you and a mic, a band, a wig, and a spotlight and you had to work it out and if you sucked they booed you (or shot at you, depending on the city). You had to sing and move AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. And Beyonce is as close to an old-school performer as we have right now.

yep, that's why I like her too. girl can sang and dance while looking incredibly sexy. and she works hard too. can't fault her for that.

Plus I know what's it's like to be hated on for being talented and light-skindededed and and a natural blonde...

oh, shame. :( hugs. people need to get a little self-esteem and stop hating on folk, especially the "light-skindededed" among us (but, you know you ain't no natural blonde :P).

Anonymous said...

LMBAO, HILARIOUS.
I'M WAITING FOR YOU TO BLOG ABOUT THE WHOLE LOREAL FIASCO AS WELL..HOW THEY STRAIGHT DID THE MJ ON BEE LOL

Mr. Ordinary said...

Lol!! Hell naw!!!

*Check Out my blog The Mr.Ordinary Show!!!!*

Anonymous said...

I love it..."Only attractive gay men love Beyonce" This statement is soooo true. This site is awesome...keep up the great work!

Ironic said...

I am so slayed by the 'fact' that Jay-Z and Matthew Knowles went to high school together. And apparently in the 19th century.

I hate you.

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

Why are you my hero ( the new Beyonce remixed hero of course!!)?

-OG