Dear Jay-Z...

Dear Jay-Z,

First of all congratulations on your success. Congratulations on your LiveNation deal, all of your business ventures, your platinum albums, your successful tours, winning 1st place at the Senior Citizen's Home talent show (we loved you and Beyonce dressed as Ike and Tina). You and your wife, bang buddy, partner Beyonce are truly icons and it's so refreshing to witness the two of you at the top of your respective fields and at your creative peaks.

Despite all that you guys have accomplished and plan to accomplish I feel that it is time that you two have children. You two have been together 6 years (or 7 depending on which blog you choose to believe). If you two were a hood couple Beyonce would have 6 of your kids by now, your name tatooed on her right titty, and she would have been arrested for trying to stab you in the Waffle House parking lot.

But I digress...

As of 2 weeks ago Beyonce is in her late 20's and you are a few years away from cranking that Social Security Check. Beyonce is in heat and ready to mate and produce offspring. After 6 years of courting and 4 months of alleged marriage she remains unimpregnated. Everytime she's ready to get pregnant you go to record an album. Everytime you're ready to get her pregnant she goes to record 3 albums, go on tour , shoot 7 movies, start a clothing line, and start small European nations. She was ready to get pregnant at the 2006 BET Awards. She did an ancient Creole mating dance which mean she was fertile and ready to receive your seed.

Remember:


Photobucket


But I digress...

We have comprised 4 Reasons why it's time for you and Beyonce To Have some Nigglets:

1. The Fans

Your fans CAN'T WAIT for you to have babies so they can put pictures all in their siggies, gravatars, and MySpace profiles. Is it appropriate? Probably not. Scary? Yes. But they're your fans and you must deal with that... Also I plan to start a blog called the LaDereon Carter Chronicles (assuming you name your child LaDereon), and I will assume the identity of your child and make all kinds of funny posts. I have material already written, and if I run out I'll just steal jokes from Crunk and Disorderly.

2. Sperm Doesn't Grow On Trees

These are Beyonce's optimal child bearing years, her Creole seasoned eggs are ripe and ready to go. As for your sperm... (sigh) I think they've been through enough. Believe it or not as big of a whore as you were back in the day NONE of your sperm has conceived a child. 50% of all your sperm has ended up flushed down the toilet in condoms or napkins, and the rest of it has been desposited it a variety of wigs and weaves of even though she has told you several times to aim AWAY from her hair. You are getting old and in this recession it is not wise to waste sperm, and you promised your sperm if they stuck around they could retire in Beyonce's uterus. If you keep wasting sperm one day you will wake up and just won't have any left. Done. Complete. You Will Shoot Blanks. When you try to skeet a powdery dust-like material with come out and you will cry, but enough is enough.


3. Extra Love

As much as you and Beyonce love each other, think about how having a child will make that love grow. We used state-of-the-art high tech computer technology to show you what Beyonce and her daughter would look like:




We also used the same technology to show you what Jigga Jr. would look like:



4. Give Other People Some Shine

I think the time you spend away from the spotlight raising kids can bring attention to the other members of your family. Solange can promote her album without Beyonce looming in the shadows. And Mama Tina can promote her new movie:






Now that I have given you good reasons why you should create a spawn now it's time for some tough love. You are not getting any younger, and you have no children to carry own the Carter-Knowles legacy. I really didn't want to take it here but EVEN CLAY AIKEN GOT SOMEBODY PREGNANT. CLAY FUCKING AIKEN.

(sigh)

So we are forced to make a decision. If Beyonce is not pregnant by October 6, 2008 we (the stans) will boycott all Carter-Knowles products. We will not buy Beyonce/Jay-Z albums, DVDs, iTunes downloads, re-releases, clothing. Fuck a Blueprint 3, 4, 5, Blueprint Fiftyleven, and whatever liquor you say it's ok to drink in 2009, and we might just vote for McCain just to spite you.


We're tired of waiting. We just can't anymore...

Sincerly,

Your fans


P.S. I have already written a press release for it, so you have to do it.


40 comments:

Freakum said...

first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is hillarious... Nice knowing you im dead.

-::brown sugar::- said...

omg lol...i am hella weak! lol..nigglets hahah

oh and i love the jigga jr. lol...you are too much! love the blog!

Jstar said...

DAMN WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!! I HAVEN'T READ ANY OF THE NEWNESS YET BUT.. I KNOW I'M GOING TO BE LAUGHING SO HARD MY STOMACH IS GOING TO START HURTING!

Tina Fan said...

oh ...my....somebody please give Beyonceitis a Comedy Award..or at least go share a hot wing dinner w/ Katt Williams.
my side hurts.
"WHO'S THA MASTA?"
"beyonceitis(SHONUFF!)

Anonymous said...

hahahahahahahaha. OMFG!!! i love you. that press release KILLED me. i hope you know you've got the funniest and most creative blog on the net.

Anonymous said...

LMAO. U are such a mess. After this album and tour then I definitely think she should go on and make those babies. I'm sure that's in their plans.

Anonymous said...

i just got to work and you alread done kilt' me.
damn this shit is hillarious

Anonymous said...

You need Jesus! This was so funny.

rihanna sucks said...

LOLOLOLOL!!! *faints*

*comes to groggy*

LOLO

poll poll said...

lol i love but I think you should install a poll cause I personally don't want Bee to pause before her 6th solo album and 46th dc reunion/resplit-up

Anonymous said...

no no no, no babies i wanna see beyonce perform.

Anonymous said...

LMAO!! Boi, I swear! You are a damn fool!! Just too much! I love ya though!!

I can't choose my favorite part!

Recticulum said...

Omg reading the poster for the dreamgirls II had me in tears..

"the story of self discovery, love, friendship, and freedom"

FUNNY AS HELL!

Anonymous said...

LMFAO its funni but personalli i dont want bee to take a break until she's in her 30's, and i just cant commit to not buy her merchandise noin good and well her new single drops oct. 7

n0days0ff said...

Why you and creoile shrimp can't be friends? Lol that was a really good post though

srewolf said...

u mad. and im dead. thank you.

hugo said...

"Everytime you're ready to get her pregnant she goes to record 3 albums, go on tour , shoot 7 movies, start a clothing line, and start small European nations."

LMAO - this last bit abt the european nations was just too much. let me rest in peace.

Ironic said...

The Creole Mating dance has me dead, buried, and up in heaven braiding Harriet Tubman's hair.

Lord, Jesus, I pray...

Anonymous said...

You are SO fucking funny omg how do u come up with this shit. I am dying right now!!!!!!!!!!

Tonnyce said...

I L0VE it!!! This was hilarious! I am in love with the Dreamgirls II movie poster haha!

Anonymous said...

THE PRESS RELEASE PLEASE IF U HAVE NOT READ IT!!!! READ IT NOW!!!
ONMG I CANT BREATH THIS IS TOO MUCH..LOL I LOVE THIS SITE!!

Danielle's Daughter said...

I implore that when the bang-her-back-out TV special airs, they make sure to play Barry White's "It's XTC When You Lay Down Next To Me"...

I mean, ahem, 'ecstacy'.

Aera C. said...

lmao this brought tears to my eyes.

melissa said...

"....sweet hot relations"!!! lmfao!!!!!!!! ".......bang your back out"!!!

Anonymous said...

I came back and this is what i get!!! *DEAD* Again!!!! :) "LaDereon Carter"!!!!LMAO!! Blueprint FiftyEleven!!! I cant...I won't!!! You are fan-f'ing-tastic!!! I love it!!

PrettyRikki said...

~Sorry about the double post, forgot to leave my name~ :)
I came back and this is what i get!!! *DEAD* Again!!!! :) "LaDereon Carter"!!!!LMAO!! Blueprint FiftyEleven!!! I cant...I won't!!! You are fan-f'ing-tastic!!! I love it!!

Tish said...

I hate yall for making the deadline my birthday, but the shit is hilarious!

Anonymous said...

finally!!! worth the wait tho, i think it was the press release that did me in, and "what that thang smell like" as their mating music lmao :)

loves the blog, keep it up!

mara

Zichra said...

Beyonce's new single "If i were a Boy" at http://www.toyas-world.com/ !!!!

sashagirlwho said...

"sweet, hot relations", busting headboards, wearing knee braces...LOL! you is a fool, sho-nuff!

sashagirlwho said...

As I pushed the published button on the above post, nothing but L'Oreal's recent spot with Queen B and her bogo sister came on my tv. funny timing, I thought I'd note it.

I *do* like Solange. I really do. :)

Anonymous said...

I meant "publish" (with no -ed).

Anonymous said...

LOL...too much!!! Hilarious. I can't stop friggin laughing. The press release.....hahahahahahaha. Ok i need to breathe and go to sleep.

╚» ♥ Baby ♥ «╝ said...

lmaooo @ Frankie Cole winner of a sweet tea.
this whole thing was hilarious.
gooooodness gracious.

╚» ♥ Baby ♥ «╝ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
╚» ♥ Baby ♥ «╝ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Creole Boy said...

I'm mad that Beyonce put our mating dance out there...we suppose to have keep that in the bayou.

NEEDABR3AK said...

no broadcast of LOGO, LESBO, LIFETIME, MTV, BET, CET (Creole Entertaintment), WHITE, KKK, YOUTUBE?

Mickey said...

I agree with everything except the last part mofo. *Clears Throat* she cannot get pregnant in 2008 because I want a new Tour. And that is my only selfish reason.

soulwriter said...

*Drops laptop, collapses after shrieking fit of laughter, comatose*