Happy Birthday...

This story begins with man named Matthew and a woman named Tina. They were in love. One night God directed Matthew to the local ABC store and that night over a bottle of Wild Turkey (or Cold Duck, depending on who you ask) they consummated their love. They hunched. They had wild, nasty, sweaty monkey sex. 9 months later our savior was born. Her birth was quite a spectacle. As Baby Beyonce made her grand entrance out of Tina's womb, there was a 10-piece band playing Stevie Wonder's "Isn't She Lovely" and as soon as Beyonce's head peeked through Tina's vajayjay there were fireworks which shot in the air and spelled "BEYONCE!". Matthew, always the hustler, knew his daughter would be special so he sold tickets to the birth of Beyonce for $50 a piece. For $400 you could get the Gold Package and you got to take pictures with Tina and Baby Beyonce, and you could also take home a piece of the umbilical cord as a souvenir. Tickets, of course sold out, but for those who couldn't make it Matthew taped the whole birth for release on VHS and Betamax.

Of course, Beyonce was hated on even at birth. Some of the doctors and nurses didn't like the way she came out of Tina's birth canal so they started a petition asking her to go back in Tina and come out again. But Beyonce didn't let that stop her...

Although Beyonce grew up with a loving family in upper-middle class Houston life for Beyonce wasn't easy. In school a bunch of the uglier, less talented kids ganged up on her and picked on her because she was so gorgeous and talented and all that shit. During this time Beyonce gained the strength to overcome those who doubted her. One day Matthew discovered that Beyonce could sing. Those who were there that day said they actually saw dollar signs in his eyes, like literally, dollar signs. From that moment on Tina and Matthew worked tirelessly to help their daughter achieve her dream of one day becoming the baddest chick in the game. Matthew still had Crown Royal bags full of quarters from when he was 16 so he figured he would be good with money, so he appointed himself as Beyonce's manager, and Tina's cousin owned Patti's Palace of Polyester, so she got the hookup on some sweet discounts on the latest man-made fabrics; she appointed herself as Beyonce's wardrobe stylist. As manager it was Matthew's job to find the best opportunities for his daughter, and as wardrobe stylist it was Tina's job to ensure that her daughter was always dresssed in the best tacky that her sewing machine could create.

I would like to DVD skip the parts where Beyonce was in Destiny's Child, you know that story. Kelly, Michelle, Farrah, T-Boz, whoever. Members left. Beyonce went solo. What you don't know is that Beyonce is on good terms with all former members of Destiny's Child. Her and LeTavia and LeToya reconciled years ago at the Cheesecake Factory in Atlanta. Beyonce was knee-deep in hot wings and LeTavia and LeToya saw her and decided that it was time to put an end to their feud. Beyonce saw them approaching with their arms stretched out for a hug and thought they were trying to attack her and so she bodyslammed them both. She broke a couple of tables and LeTavia walked with a limp for about 6 months, but once they cleared up the misunderstanding they forgave each other and today they are on good terms. Beyonce is even on good terms with Farrah, she gave Farrah huge tip when Farrah waited on her table at Ruby Tuesday's. Which really shows how kind and compassionate Beyonce is.






*************NOTE**********************

1. Technically tomorrow is her birthday, but she shot her "birthday" concert DVD last year 2 days before her actual birthday so shut the fuck up.

2. Yes, this is something that has been posted for about a year. So what? Somebody somewhere has never seen it before. Everybody else steals from here... I can't steal from myself? Shut the fuck up.


25 comments:

Ajahn said...

*DEAD*
I can say that I am one of the people who have never read this. I was rollin. I also see you've been listening to your Solange CD. Haven't we all! lol.

make lovee in this toilet said...

LMAO. I love you & we both have a knack for writing crazy shit so I as president/CEO/staying-behind-my-computer-24/7-ass would like to invite you to http://needabr3ak.wordpress.com/org IDK try both

PLEASE?

Jaysky_27 said...

Yeah I thought i read that before, recycled shit aint really funny, but since it was you it still made me laugh!

BlackRaspberry said...

the "kiss my entire ass" tag slaughtered me. and also, i adore your site.

Anonymous said...

LOL! I love your site, buddy! Keep it up!
And I knew you had recylcled a few things..but that's okay, boo!

sashagirlwho said...

As hilarious as the first time I read it!

But get pop-pop's name right--it's spelled with only one "t".

Dem Knowles, they always gotta try to be different. lol!

Anonymous said...

i guess we'll see more posts now that the new era kicks off....
CONFIRMED FIRST SINGLE "IF I WAS A BOY" FEATURING KANYE WEST. are you ready?

Anonymous said...

"Some of the doctors and nurses didn't like the way she came out of Tina's birth canal so they started a petition asking her to go back in Tina and come out again"

LMAO

Lil' Creole Pimp said...

"Everybody else steals from here... I can't steal from myself?"

----

Why it gotta be like that? Why we can't be friends, mayne. I been tryna be yo' ace boon coon but you wanna go and do it like this? Why you wanna go and do that, love huh?

n0days0ff said...

^^^^^ uh oh someones gonna get shanked

Damika said...

Dis shole look familiar. I feel like I'm watching a rerun of Good Times.

Jewelry Rockstar said...

I still love it! Happy Birthday Bey!!!!

somebody... said...

lol for the last two sentences! love your humour! :D

╚» ♥ Baby ♥ «╝ said...

Hee-Larry-Us! =D

Melissa said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEYONCE!!! OUR SAVIOR!!!! LMAO!!

Anonymous said...

haha. this post is actually one of my fav. it is only second to the grammy play by play breakdown. that has to be the funniest thing i have ever read on line. love the site as always.

Anonymous said...

forgot to wish B happy birthday!! i know, i know, i so need to step up my stan game.

Luvvie (aka Queen IG) said...

This ish made me cackle, snort & chrotle. You rock, Beyonceitis!!

need a BR3AK said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEE! <3
Uhhh. You're so gonna be a legend tommorow!

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4NQ1PCE-H4

NEW SINGLE LEAKKEDD

sashagirlwho said...

I almost forgot--bonne anniversaire, Bee (in French, you know, to honor that Creole heritage)!

rihanna sucks said...

Of course, Beyonce was hated on even at birth. Some of the doctors and nurses didn't like the way she came out of Tina's birth canal so they started a petition asking her to go back in Tina and come out again. But Beyonce didn't let that stop her...

^^^LOLOLOL!!!! I luvvvvvv you!!!

2. Yes, this is something that has been posted for about a year. So what? Somebody somewhere has never seen it before. Everybody else steals from here... I can't steal from myself? Shut the fuck up.

^^^ I just fukkin' died!!! And I'm telling my mother!

Anonymous said...

"Of course, Beyonce was hated on even at birth. Some of the doctors and nurses didn't like the way she came out of Tina's birth canal so they started a petition asking her to go back in Tina and come out again."

LMFAO.

prettyrikki said...

funny!!! fun-ny!!! This was my 1st time reading it and i loved it....i still havent made it back to the beginning yet...gotta check out that grammy post. luv ya!

soulwriter said...

What a side-splitting tribute to Mrs. Carter----happy b-day Chick, we see you!!! :o)