I am the new writer and owner for Beyonceitis. As you all know the original writer had a nervous breakdown and fled to South Africa. Before he left he said I could use his laptop to type my resume' (it saves me a bus trip to Kinko's) but I have taken it upon myself to turn Beyonceitis into my daily journal to give my fans a glimpse of my day.
Tula Mae Robinson will no longer write for this blog. Yesterday was her first and last day. She was arrested early this morning for trespassing. She broke into Jay-Z's apartment and tried to sniff Beyonce's panties. I don't condone such behavior but I do understand the temptation.
But I digress...
Hopefully as writer of this blog I can give you a look into my life. I am much more than the "vice president" of Destiny's Child or Beyonce's sidekick. I am a seperate person aside from Beyonce and Destiny's Child. I have my own career. I am an artist, a songwriter, a sister, a daughter, I'm a host of imperfections, a puzzle yes indeed (please go to iTunes to buy Flaws and All from Beyonce). I tried to give you all a glimpse of my life on my album Miss Kelly but it sold about 48 copies in the United States, 42 of which are in the trunk of Solange's 1983 Caprice.
For my first post on this blog I would like to explain to you what the wig crypt is.
A lot of people make jokes about the wig crypt, but it is a very serious and important job creating, cleaning, and classifying Beyonce's hairpieces. If you place a strand of hair in the wrong place or use the wrong combination of Pink Oil moisturizer and Blue Magic grease, the wig can catch fire then Beyonce will be running around the stage like the Olympic torch and Matthew will be none too happy.
So how do we make the wigs?
It starts with an email.
Beyonce or Angie will email the Wig Crypt representative about what kind of hair she needs and what event she needs it for.
Everyday we check our email for the days work assignments. Today I had a new wig request. Beyonce needs a new ponytail for her concert in Bermuda. First you must gather the hair. I sneak onto a farm to cut the tail off a horse. You have to be really careful, as some farmers carry shotguns, but you don't sing with Destiny's Child for 10 years without knowing how to duck a bullet. Although Beyonce needs
just the tail, I skin the entire horse in case Mama Tina needs the hair for one of her fabulous fashion creations.
The hair is throughougly washed to remove dirt, insects, odor, and horse doo-doo. After it is washed it is marinated for 18 hours in a special secret concoction of Louisiana herbs, oils, and spices. Beyonce's ponytails are designed to be easily detached in case Beyonce has to to snatch it off really quick to pop a bitch in the eye. After the hair is marinated it is hung out to dry in the sun. It is then cut and styled. We then place it on the ground, form a circle around it, say a prayer and perform the breakdown to "Get Me Bodied" backwards. This gets rid of all evil spirits and energy.
Here's the horse before I got to it:
Here it is after:
And here is the ponytail on Beyonce:
Isn't it lovely?
The baptismal pool at the First African New Swinging Lacefront Creole Chruch of Dereon is filled with Armani Diamonds perfume instead of holy water, communion consists of strawberry soda and skin pulled off a Popeye's chicken breast. When members are overtaken by the Holy Ghost and pass out they will be covered with a white cloth with the Dereon logo on it. an We hope to open 27 Dereon churches across the United States and Mexico by Spring 2010.