Hello, my name is Sister Kelendria Rowland. I would like to first give honor and glory to the Father (Matthew) the Daughter (Beyonce) and the Holy Spirit (Agnes) I'm a member of the First African New Swinging Lacefront Creole Chruch of Dereon[1] where the Reverend Daniel Smith Jr. is my pastor. I have come to you good people to spread the word of Sasha. Have you taken time out of your day to give thanks to the goodness of Beyonce? This is the day that Beyonce has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

I am the new writer and owner for Beyonceitis. As you all know the original writer had a nervous breakdown and fled to South Africa. Before he left he said I could use his laptop to type my resume' (it saves me a bus trip to Kinko's) but I have taken it upon myself to turn Beyonceitis into my daily journal to give my fans a glimpse of my day.

Tula Mae Robinson will no longer write for this blog. Yesterday was her first and last day. She was arrested early this morning for trespassing. She broke into Jay-Z's apartment and tried to sniff Beyonce's panties. I don't condone such behavior but I do understand the temptation.

But I digress...

Hopefully as writer of this blog I can give you a look into my life. I am much more than the "vice president" of Destiny's Child or Beyonce's sidekick. I am a seperate person aside from Beyonce and Destiny's Child. I have my own career. I am an artist, a songwriter, a sister, a daughter, I'm a host of imperfections, a puzzle yes indeed (please go to iTunes to buy Flaws and All from Beyonce). I tried to give you all a glimpse of my life on my album Miss Kelly but it sold about 48 copies in the United States, 42 of which are in the trunk of Solange's 1983 Caprice.

For my first post on this blog I would like to explain to you what the wig crypt is.

A lot of people make jokes about the wig crypt, but it is a very serious and important job creating, cleaning, and classifying Beyonce's hairpieces. If you place a strand of hair in the wrong place or use the wrong combination of Pink Oil moisturizer and Blue Magic grease, the wig can catch fire then Beyonce will be running around the stage like the Olympic torch and Matthew will be none too happy.

So how do we make the wigs?

It starts with an email.

Beyonce or Angie will email the Wig Crypt representative about what kind of hair she needs and what event she needs it for.

Everyday we check our email for the days work assignments. Today I had a new wig request. Beyonce needs a new ponytail for her concert in Bermuda. First you must gather the hair. I sneak onto a farm to cut the tail off a horse. You have to be really careful, as some farmers carry shotguns, but you don't sing with Destiny's Child for 10 years without knowing how to duck a bullet. Although Beyonce needs
just the tail, I skin the entire horse in case Mama Tina needs the hair for one of her fabulous fashion creations.

The hair is throughougly washed to remove dirt, insects, odor, and horse doo-doo. After it is washed it is marinated for 18 hours in a special secret concoction of Louisiana herbs, oils, and spices. Beyonce's ponytails are designed to be easily detached in case Beyonce has to to snatch it off really quick to pop a bitch in the eye. After the hair is marinated it is hung out to dry in the sun. It is then cut and styled. We then place it on the ground, form a circle around it, say a prayer and perform the breakdown to "Get Me Bodied" backwards. This gets rid of all evil spirits and energy.

Here's the horse before I got to it:



Here it is after:



And here is the ponytail on Beyonce:




Isn't it lovely?

[1]The baptismal pool at the First African New Swinging Lacefront Creole Chruch of Dereon is filled with Armani Diamonds perfume instead of holy water, communion consists of strawberry soda and skin pulled off a Popeye's chicken breast. When members are overtaken by the Holy Ghost and pass out they will be covered with a white cloth with the Dereon logo on it. an We hope to open 27 Dereon churches across the United States and Mexico by Spring 2010.


22 comments:

Anonymous said...

This site is getting better and better.LMAO

Jaska said...

I'm tired of y'all doing this to me. I know Sasha is not pleased with this fuckery. I demand a recount.

DreamWriter said...

"She was arrested early this morning for trespassing. She broke into Jay-Z's apartment and tried to sniff Beyonce's panties. I don't condone such behavior but I do understand the temptation."

Classic.

Mickey said...

lol, will you ever run out of shit. That was horse series was hilarious.

Anonymous said...

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

perform the breakdown 2 get me bodied backwards hahah

PrettyRikki said...

This is what i need before i get out here and look for gas, comedy!! Hilarious...i need to see the "Get Me Bodied" dance done backwards...that was genius!! Im glad you took the time to explain the wig crypt process to me..are they hiring?

Anonymous said...

LOL!!! is the recession affecting the wigcrypt also? the wig making process and pics are pricelessssssss. u crack me up!!

Anonymous said...

"When members are overtaken by the Holy Ghost and pass out they will be covered with a white cloth with the Dereon logo on it"

lmao, this shit is gebuis

Don't Hate Me said...

LAWD TAKE ME NOW!

iDied.

Anonymous said...

I have been fihting commenting for soo long, I don't know why, but this ish is priceless. who are you and where do you come from?!

LMFAO!

n0days0ff said...

Baby daniel is the pastor? lord I bet that is one cuss filled sermon

bo said...

fuckkk,....i cant read this shit anymore, its just too much..lmao... u r one crazy mothafucker. i hope u know u got the best blog ever. u bitch. marry me.

Just B said...

OMG! you are freakin hilarious! LMAO! I cant even stop laughing because you are so creative at what you do! You blog should become a huge blog like Perez, but yours is actually funny and done in good taste!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I want more :(

Lol, please update this blog at least 10 times a day and just ignore that crustacian Dusty Rose.

Vanz said...

I truly hate this site... It should be a sin to be this funny! I'm jackin that picture of Rev Daniel Smith Jr.... copyrights to you of course!

Aera C. said...

oh my word.

Saucy said...

wow. your hella funny. i just wanted to know did you guys make that short ass wig for the fashion rocks? if so, how did you get the hair to stand up like that?

melissa said...

omg! lmfaooooooooo

FlyyGurl said...

i fuckin love this blog.....

soulwriter said...

PETA IS GONNA HURT YOOOOOOOOU!!!

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