And Now A Word From Celestine...



Hello children. This is your homegirl and sister-in-Christ Miss Tina. I want to take this time and remind you about the importance of voting.

This is a very important time in our history, you have the power to affect the world and it's important that you make your voices heard...so get up and vote for my child on 106 and Park! RIGHT NOW!

This week I've been chilling a lil bit. I have been at home this week nursing a knee injury. I was trying to do that move in "Single Ladies" the one where my baby gets down and starts slinging her cooch around...



(my son-in-law can't handle all that Creole Kitty!)

So I got up on the coffee table, tried to sling my stuff around, fell off the damn coffee table and fucked my knee caps up all to pieces, so I have been at home recuperating... eating Cheetos, drinking Hennessy and watching Can't Turn Hoes into Real Housewives of Atlanta on Bravo (get into it!).

I'm very proud of both of my girls right now. Solange is overseas touring with Miss Alicia Keys, promoting her album, and Beyonce is about to start promoting her album. Beyonce is planning her promo tour right now and it's good that she is so famous and in-demand that she has to say "No" to certain things. Back in the day we had to beg people to let Beyonce and Destiny's Child perform, and they would sing wherever there was a stage, shit, Matthew would have booked them at a Ku Klux Klan rally if it would have sold a couple of records. But times have changed, and now Beyonce can sell a couple of hundred thousand just off her name alone. She can do that because she's earned it. But you still hate on her. I get tired of people hating on Beyonce for no reason. It's ok to hate... but if you're going to hate, be an intelligent hater. Don't be an irrational hater.

Irrational haters go on YouTube watch a Beyonce video for 5 minutes then say shit like "That sucks"

Oh word? It took you 5 minutes to determine whether or not it sucked? You sat through the whole damn video... did you think it would get better during the last 2 seconds?

Irrational haters waste hours typing thesis papers on movies that don't exist. (Rational hater would have done more research, but irrational haters CAN'T WAIT for an opportunity to hate)

Irrational haters say things like "Beyonce is Overexposed" while their favorite artist flops on every chart around the world. They are so busy hating that they forgot to buy the albums. :(

I ain't got no time for irrational haters.

I ain't got no time for hating ass bi-polar ass Faux Fox News reporters who don't know how they feel about Beyonce.

I ain't got no time for no monkey-mouthed, hypocritical ass photojournalists afraid to leave their house who spend all day fantasizing about bumping vaginas with Monica while T.I. dangles his sack on their forehead.

(Yes I said it! You wanna do something about it? You know where I live at! Come on down to Houston and get this ass-whooping. You can try to call the police to pull me off yo' ass but we don't get good cell phone reception on Hadley Street!!!)

And please don't say things like: "Everybody I know hates Beyonce..." that's like a crackhead saying "Everybody I know says it's ok to smoke crack. THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HANG OUT WITH OTHER CRACKHEADS YOU DUMB ASS! If you're a hater chances are you hang out with other haters and all a hater needs is just one other hater to co-sign, especially if that hater has a blog.

I'm a classy broad and I don't get into beefing. Everybody is entitled to their opinions, but some of what you say about my children would have been fighting words back in the day, and if I wasn't such a fuckin' lady I'd meet you out in the parking lot and lay hands on you...but I ain't got time for that. I'm thinking of opening up a Dereon Charm School of Etiquette to teach some of you trick-ass hoes how to have tact and class... because I ALWAYS try to conduct myself in manner befitting a true lady of Dereon.

Oh, And Aretha you got but one more time to pop off at the mouth about my firstborn... and me and Tina Turner will ride past your house in her tour bus and the wigs will come off, and the pistols will come out...

If you haven't noticed I'm tired of misdirected hate.

Ciara was up on the radio talking about how she felt about Beyonce's song "If I Were a Boy" which has a similar TITLE to her song "Like A Boy"... she was careful about what she said...which was smart of her... I can look at Ciara and tell she knows what a good ass-whoopin' feels like, it has taken her damn near 5 years to find a weave that works for her and I would hate to have Beyonce and Solange ride by her house and snatch a significant chunk of her hair from out her scalp.

Ciara did the right thing by keeping her mouth shut, but it seems like she was confused as to whether it was ok to talk greasy about Beyonce on the radio. So to clear up any confusion I have created a Hater Chart. This basically tells artists if it's ok for them to hate on Beyonce or not:



The green circle means you have the green light to hate on Beyonce.

The yellow circle means you can hate on Beyonce but only under certain conditions.

The red circle means if you even think of hating on Beyonce you'll get your shit split.

This applies to artists and stans of those artists.

Please post this on your message boards and blogs, and when these haters start to jump stupid...show them the chart.

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This is usually the part of my show where I answer some of my mail and give advice...but today I need YOUR advice. I am dating someone very special. I'm not one of these tramps who go around bragging and naming names, and putting their biznazz all out in the skreet so I won't tell you who he is, I'll just say that he's a rapper and he is Plies. I told myself I wouldn't date another rapper after I broke up with Lil Wayne last summer, but I said to myself "Tina Ann, take a 2nd chance." So I did. So me and Plies went to the picture show last Friday, went to dinter, walked around, talked, laughed, and had a good time before he went back on tour. And before you start thinking nasty thoughts, nothing sexual happened. My goodies stayed in the jar...you know why?... cause I'm a LADY! So anyway we've been texting each other all week while he is on the road, but he hasn't mentioned anything about a 2nd date. How do I know if he is interesting in me or if he just wants to be text buddies... (I'm too old to be anybody's text buddy.)

I told myself I'm not trying to get married again. If I do it would have to be a good man, intelligent, ambitious, sensitive yet strong. He would have to be good with kids (Solange is a handful, and Beyonce plays with matches) and he better have thunder and lightning in his pants...(if any of you ladies know what I'm talking about take your wigs off and swing em in the air.)

Anyway... I really like him, and it's getting cold outside, and I need somebody to snuggle up with for the winter. I got $865,000 worth of Dereon Lingerie in my basement gone to waste cause I ain't got a man... and I don't know how he feels about me, and I'm to afraid to ask. Part of me feels like if he didn't like me he wouldn't text me all day...but the other part of me says if he REALLY liked it he would have put a ring on it and booked a 2nd date. I don't know...

(sigh)

If anybody can give me some good advice please call me, fax me, or drop it off in the comment section...it's a matter of extreme importance... my first middle-aged love affair.


I'll talk to you later...In the meantime...Be safe, keep it clean, and when in doubt ask yourself... What would Tina do?


33 comments:

Anonymous said...

i am too damn through w/you on this whole damn site, i come on here just about everyday @ work and it never ceases to amaze me in just how hard i end up laughing at this blog.

creativity @ its finest

cheleny said...

You've outdone yourself this time! I have the tears to prove it lol.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE THE HATER CHART.You need to post this on youtube.

Mr. Ordinary said...

Lol... Yes plz post this on Youtube!!! Ciara cant ever hate on Bey until she gets her vocal game up!!!!

Anonymous said...

Can you post a comparison chart featuring Britney and Beyonce.

People are getting confused and thinking that Britney is better.

Signed
Kelly Rowland

Jaska said...

Oh lawd.. Mama Tina done got sucked into the Bust It Baby blackhole! Run Mama! There are others. MANY others.

Anonymous said...

LMAO..you a fool Mama Tina but you speak truth!

Anonymous said...

wheeew baby yes the janet fans kill me! if we rewind to 93 yall can talk

M.J. said...

That means Brandy can hate on Bey-Bey, right? She has 3 platinum albums...

soulwriter said...

Mama T, my friend was gettin' hit by a young man last year, got all strung out/d!ckmatized and expected a committment----NOT!!! It's best for older women to find a 30+ year old man for the stepdaddy thang, and keep the 20-year-olds on d*** retainer ONLY. Your life will be less complicated Miss Tina, holla back!!!

Vice President of Album Push-Backsw said...

soulwriter said...
Mama T, my friend was gettin' hit by a young man last year, got all strung out/d!ckmatized and expected a committment----NOT!!! It's best for older women to find a 30+ year old man for the stepdaddy thang, and keep the 20-year-olds on d*** retainer ONLY. Your life will be less complicated Miss Tina, holla back!!!

October 24, 2008 5:44 PM
-----------------------

DEAD @ Dick retainer...

floacist said...

What, so 2001 All For You don't count for the Stanets? LOL.

Creole Boy said...

LMAO @ text buddy....you should have performed the Creole mating dance!

Creole Boy said...

LMAO @ text buddy....you should have performed the Creole mating dance!

Creole Boy said...

LMAO @ text buddy....you should have performed the Creole mating dance!

Anonymous said...

I'm "Speechless"!!

THis is that TRUTH right here!

Love you!!

melissa said...

this is so funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sashagirlwho said...

what's up mama, T! I've missed you (hugs)!...ok, respectfully, I ask: have you gone and bumped your head. boys, mama T?! them are boys. I don't fool with boys and I wouldn't expect a woman of your stature and criteria to mess with them either. besides, what makes you so sure that they gon take an interest in your young ones if they probably don't take up time with their own?

if you're working out your stella complex, go head and get it out. i'm not mad. just remember that this too shall pass. also, don't forget that there's marriage and there's everything else and the latter aint sh!t you wanna get caught up in.

I AM mad though (no hate) at your firstborn because that damn video is fire, especially those seconds you got here! Dayum, B, dayum. You raised her right.

and tell mr man behind this here (self-identified blogger or not) that if his tail doesn't get an agent, a writers' group, an essay or article to publish, a script or something to highlight his gifts, he is a fool. as you are well aware, a talent is a terrible thing to waste.

grosse bise, sweetie!

Anonymous said...

LOVE the chatt!!! and very true. the "i wish she would" part killed me. LMAO

P.S i say get back with Matthew and tell Plies if he liked he should've put a ring on it.

Wig Crypt Creeper said...

For Real Mz. Tina?! "Bust it Baby"?! We can do something better than that. What about that Ludacris? He's got a new album coming out...and the way that man growls...ooh! Excuse me...I need a minute.

Okay, back. We could also cross over unto sports Derek Jeter is still available and closete- nevermind.

Hell we can do better than Plies. You're a woman in need of a Grammy winner who can bankroll a drive-by on those haters at PETA and bail Baby Daniel out of jail after that whole misunderstanding of him burning down the Jonas Brothers' skinny jean vault.

Anonymous said...

I had to come back and let you know that the part about T.I.'s balls against the forehead did something FIERCE to me down below! Lawd have mercy! LMAO!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, And Aretha you got but one more time to pop off at the mouth about my firstborn... and me and Tina Turner will ride past your house in her tour bus and the wigs will come off, and the pistols will come out...

_

-Dead-

_

But Tina, girl you better get cho self a billionaire girl, we in a recession.

Anonymous said...

I love this freaking site! He/She dont update on the regular but when they do, its sooo entertaining.

Plz keep it up!

U r hella creative and gifted with wittiness out of this world!

The "Fuck you very much..." end in the reply to Farrah in the last Miss Tina post still has me rolling LOL. Keep it up!

Anonymous said...

Love the new design

Anonymous said...

The new site ,looks good.

sashagirlwho said...

mama t, don't give that crusty-looking negro no taste of your creoliciousness. I'm dead serious. that honor goes only to those who put a ring on it, or at least make enough bank for you not to notice the difference (and your baby girl got you covered there).

boy looks likes he's got diseases they ain't even discovered yet.

nice upgrade, btw.

sashagirlwho said...

but then again, it seems this goon has a philanthropic heart.

http://uppitynegronetwork.wordpress.com/2008/08/19/i-aint-hatin-rap-artist-plies-establishes-scholarship/

And I'm a sucker for those that give back to they communities.

I'ma leave it up to you to make that call. I trust your mama wisdom to lead you where you need to go.

YoBETNigg3rz said...

hey the new design is sasha fierce.... ahha =D

Anonymous said...

You are obviously VERY Talented in many areas, you are wasting your talent with this silly blog.

Hmm Said said...

yes for you getting clay cane right together. I love clay but he stay trashing beyonce lol.

Anonymous said...

IF ALL I HAD TO DO WAS DRESS LIKE ASTRIPPER AND DIG IN THE DIRT WITH MY FLAT SQUARE A@@ I WOULD THINK I WAS SOMEBODY TO. BEYONCE YO AIN'T NOTHING BUT THE SPACE YOU DOLD AND IT S ONLY WHEN YOU ARE HALF DRESSED. YOU SO INSECURE NOW THAT YOU HAVE TO DRAW A SIAMOND EVERY TIME YOU GRACE THE STAGE. TO COUNTRY AND IMMATURE TO SAY "YES I'M MARRIED AND THAT'S NON DEBATELY GROW UP BEYONCE.

Anonymous said...

lmaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Anonymous said...

THIS IS ABSOLUTLEY HILARIOUS!!! I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT!