Ciara: This is Ciara. Who is this?
Tina Knowles: Ciara this is Tina. You might not know who I am, but I'm the mother of the reason why your album isn't coming out.
Ciara: EXCUSE ME?
Tina Knowles: No need to excuse yourself sweetheart, we keepin' it nice and greasy up in this bitch...this is just straight girl talk. Woman-to-woman.
Tina Knowles: The reason I'm calling is because I'm throwing a party for Beyonce. It's to celebrate the success of her new album, and her new singles, the good reviews she getting for Cadillac Records, her other new movie, her upcoming world tour, the Spanish re-releases, the video anthology, and her new line of bedazzled tampons coming in 2009, and the fact that she's better than everybody at everything including but not limited to singing, dancing, acting, and kickboxing. I'm calling it the "She's The Shit" Party.
Ciara: I see...
Tina Knowles: I was calling to see if you would like to attend the party and I also wanted to try to get some ideas for the party. What kind of party did you throw for yourself when you were the shit?
Ciara: Um... Gee... I don't know.
Tina Knowles: Have you EVER been the shit?
Tina Knowles: When was your last hit single?
Ciara: Umm.. probably "Promise".
Tina Knowles:GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL! That is my JAM! I like to sip some of that Grey Goose, put that song on, and slow wind! Fuck what you heard...Miss Tina can still make it roll like some 24s honey...but no... I meant on the Hot 100. Y'all don't count "Deja Vu" as a hit and it went #1 on the R&B charts. I'm not counting "Promise"... I meant on the Hot 100.
Ciara: Probably "Goodies"...
Tina Knowles: "Goodies"? How long ago was that?
Ciara: 2004. That was a long time ago. Gas was cheap. The economy was good. And Usher was unmarried and relevant.
Tina Knowles: Oh... How did you celebrate that?
Ciara: I was dating Bow Wow at the time so he took me to Dave and Busters and then we went home and permed each other's hair.
Tina Knowles: Oh. The reason I asked was because I've been lurking around the internet and at seems that your stans are under the impression that you are the shit. They keep going on message boards, and YouTube, and iTunes, being generally ignorant towards my daughter.
Ciara: Well Miss Tina, I have no control over what my fans say. And for your information Beyonce had nothing to do with my album getting pushed back. I'm a very creative artist and I need more time to come up with cutting-edge concepts.
Tina Knowles: Oh yea? Here's a cutting-edge concept for you... HOW ABOUT YOU COME UP WITH AN ALBUM RELEASE DATE YOU HO!
(HANGS UP ON CIARA)
(CALLS BACK 30 SECONDS LATER)
Tina Knowles: I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm cranky cause my sugar is low, but Plies is about to pick me up and take me to the Olive Garden. Miss Tina is about to have UNLIMITED Salad AND Breadsticks up in this bitch! I'm a big fan of yours and I don't think you're a ho. I thought those pictures you took earlier this year were very classy... I wish I could toot my thang up on the cover of VIBE spread my cheeks, and show all 3 of my holes like you did...
Ciara: Ummm...thanks Miss Tina.
Tina Knowles: Are you coming to the party?
Ciara: Yea I'll be there.
Tina Knowles: Alright, take care yourself, my little sweetpea.
(Hangs up, dials another number)
Tina Knowles: Yes, may I speak to Miss Christina Aguilera?
Christina Aguilera: This is she. Who is this?
Tina Knowles: Hello, I'm a relevant career and image, I heard you've been looking for me...
Christina: Excuse me?
Tina Knowles: I'm just playing. What's hannin' Xtina... This is Tina Ann Knowles. What are you doing?
Christina: Oh, just breastfeeding the baby.
Tina Knowles: Is it safe to breastfeed with implants?
Christina: Oh, yea, it's totally safe.
Tina Knowles: Oh, I wouldn't know nothin about that honey, I got 100% Organic All-Natural Titty Meat over here. No Growth Hormones or nothin... and I still bring all the boys to the yard. But anyway...the reason why I'm calling you is because I wanted to invite you to a party I'm throwing a party for Beyonce. It's called the "She's the Shit Party" on account of her being the shit and what not... have you ever been the shit?
Christina: Well it's funny that you ask. When I first came out I was the shit runner-up behind Britney. Then tried to be edgy sex kitten and still ended up 3rd behind Britney and Beyonce. Now there's Beyonce, Britney, Rihanna, so I'm like 4th, and that's only if you take Pink and Mariah out of the equation. And if Kelly Clarkson releases and album, I might as well just stay home.
Tina Knowles: Oh. True... Are your fans aware of this? I've been lurking on the internet and some of them have been talking real greasy about the fruit of my loins, the light of life, and the writer of my checks. They've been all up on the Youtube, iTunes, Amazon, MTV.com, BET.com, AnimalPlanet.com, the NAACP's website, any place with a message board talking trash about Beyonce, saying Beyonce is this and that. Back where I come from if you talked about somebody's child that was a first-class ticket to a parking lot beatdown.
Christina: Well I am the voice of my generation...
Tina Knowles: Says who?
Christina: Well Rolling Stone magazine named me one of the best singer EVER. And I am a very pure artist who isn't afraid to try to things and take risks... and I'm like really deep... and I growl, and I name-checked Etta James way before Beyonce, and I scream and wave my hands around when I sing so I that means I have soul, and I'm the voice of my gener---,(sigh) can I be real for one minute?
Tina Knowles: Sure.
Christina: The reason I've pushed my album to next summer is because I saw the "Single Ladies" video and almost gave up on life. The truth is every night I put on the Beyonce Experience DVD and cry myself to sleep, so I need the stan support. Yes Beyonce is better than all of us at everything including, but not limited to singing, dancing, acting, martial arts, and rollerskating, but our delusional stans keep us going. They keep me us motivated. They buy our records. They pay for our titties. If it weren't for their delusions in thinking they we are actually better than Beyonce, then would be the point in having a career?
Tina Knowles: I understand...are you coming to the party?
Christina: Yea I'll be there.
Tina Knowles: Alright, take care yourself, my little Cajun hot wing.
(Hangs up, calls another number)
Tina Knowles: Hello, may I speak to Miss Britney Spears please?
Britney: Who is this?
Tina Knowles: IT'S TINA BITCH!
Britney: Oh, hi, Miss Tina how are you.
Tina Knowles: I'm fine, Chillin'. How's the new album?
Britney: I have a new album?
Tina Knowles: Yea... comes out this week. Britney. Can I axe you a question... woman to woman?
Tina Knowles: WHAT THE FUCK WERE DOING ON MY TV SCREEN YESTERDAY? I started to reach through the TV and slap you to sleep but from the looks of it you were already sleep. What the fuck and/or hell were you doing?
Britney: I performed yesterday? I don't remember that.
Tina Knowles: It was to promote your new album. Why haven't you been performing at all the award shows like Beyonce?
Britney: Well my management said it would be best if I stay off the stage as much as possible, especially any stage with Sasha Fierce.
Tina Knowles: But you have a tour coming up.
Britney: Well, the theory is that anyone who will pay money to go to my concers has a lowered expectation of what a live performance is. And I can get away with a lot of things on stage in my own concerts that I couldn't get away on awards shows or any stage that Beyonce has performed on...so it's best that I save what little energy I have for my tour. If I fuck up on an awards show then I get laughed at. If I fuck up at my concerts I get paid. Even if I pass out on stage in a pool of my own vomit I still get a million a show.
Tina Knowles: True... Listen. I was just up on the Wikipedia vandazling Rihanna's page and inflating Beyonce's record sales, and I found that you have set quite a few records on the albums charts.
Tina Knowles: Yea. 4 Straight #1s. You even sold a Milli the first week. The highest first week sales of any chick in history. You was a bad mothafucka on the albums charts. I'm throwing Beyonce a "She's the Shit" party and I was wondering what kinda party did you throw back when you were the shit?
Tina Knowles: Umm... Hello?
Britney: I really don't remember that far back.
Tina Knowles: Really?
Britney: Yea, I've sniffed, snorted, and smoked anything that can fit into a pipe. I've lost brain cells all throughout Las Vegas.
Tina Knowles: Oh... You poor baby. Kevin must have put that thunder and lightning on yo' ass. Look, me and Beyonce and Solange and Frankie, Keyshia, and Neffie nem are going to a Mother-Daughter retreat to Las Vegas next week. You're more than welcome to come.
Britney: Mother-Daughter retreat?
Tina Knowles: Yea, that's white folk talk for Blackjack, margaritas, and big-dicked male skrippers. You tryna to roll with us? You can be my adopted daughter for the weekend, we can wear matching wigs.
Britney: Oh, that sounds like fun. I'm there.
Tina Knowles: Aiight, meet me at George Bush Airport. Bring your own spending money and liquor, I don't share.
Tina Knowles: Alright, take care yourself, my little hamhock.
(Miss Tina hangs up, then dials another number)
Tina Knowles: Hello, may I speak to Miss Janet Jackson please?
Tina Knowles: Hey Janet. How's your migraines?
Janet: I'm feeling much better thank you for asking.
Tina Knowles: Where are you?
Janet: Umm just got back from Dubai with Jermaine. We had a good time. We rode camels in the desert.
Tina Knowles: Wow. 2 jackasses on a camel. Send me pictures. Listen I was throwing a party for Beyonce called the "She's the Shit Party" in celebration of her being the shit on a stick. I wanted to invite you and your pet weasel and I also wanted get some ideas. I wanted to know what kinda party did you throw for yourself back when you were the shit?
Janet: Wow... gee...
Tina Knowles: Do you remember that far back? Let me help you out. Don Cornelius was still hosting Soul Train. The Cosby Show was on NBC's Thursday nights at 8 followed by A Different World at 8:30...
Tina Knowles: Jesse was still keeping hope alive...
Tina Knowles: The reason I was lurking on your fansites and noticed that your stans have been speaking a lot of garbage about my child. Do your stans know that there's a new sheriff in town?
Janet: No Ma'am.
Tina Knowles: Do your stans know that Beyonce runs ALL of this shit?
Janet: No Ma'am.
Tina Knowles: Do your stans know that hating doesn't increase your relevance or record sales?
Janet: No Ma'am.
Tina Knowles: Do your stans know that it's not 1993?
Janet: No Ma'am.
Tina Knowles: Do your stans know that the party is pretty much over?
Janet: No Ma'am.
Tina Knowles: Would you mind telling them that I don't appreciate the hate thrown on my child and that if they continue to hate then I will send them all a mean Creole computer virus, the likes of which Norton Anti-Virus has never seen.
Janet: I can't do that Miss Tina. I need all the stan support I can get. See I was a widely respected icon, then I fucked it up trying to do what the the fast girls do. I didn't trust that my talent alone would carry me through. So now I have to fight to get my crown back. Yes Beyonce is better than all of us at everything including, but not limited to singing, dancing, acting, and wind surfing, but we ALL need deluded stans and I'm one T-Pain collaboration away from a comeback. I can't give up now.
Tina: OK. Sorry for to go off, I just get real sensitive about my offspring.
Janet: I understand. Am I still invited to Vegas this week?
Tina: Girl, we pushed it back to next week, Beyonce has to carry Jay to the doctor. His hip gave out again.
Janet: Oh, ok.
Tina Knowles: Alright, take care yourself, my little pig foot.
(Miss Tina hangs up, and dials another number)
Tina Knowles: May I speak to Sandra Rose please?
Sandra Rose: Speaking.
Tina Knowles: Hi, Sandra. Did you get my check?
Sandra Rose: Yes, it just came in the mail.
Tina Knowles: Per our argreement, you get $2500 for everytime you mention Beyonce's name. And please step it up a little. You're slipping. We were trying to sell a million the first week. You need to step up the promotion. There was a time when you used to be creative. You remember that? I remember. You just didn't care how low you stooped. But now... I don't know Sandy Mae... you getting soft.
Sandra Rose: I'm trying Tina, honest I am, but it's hard to find ways to mention Beyonce's name everyday.
Tina Knowles: Oh... well here's what you do. Go to Crunk and Disoderly and lurk in the comment section. There can be a story posted that says "Family of 6 Killed in Tragic Car Accident" wait 5 minutes and see don't some bitch pop in the comments section saying "I bet they were listening to Beyonce before they crashed. I can't stand Beyonce!" It never fails. Those folks have such creative and innovative ways of bringing Beyonce's name into conversations that have absoulutely nothing to do with her. So go to the C+D comment section and get some ideas. Plus, I heard that's where that boy that runs Beyonceitis steals all his swag from.
Sandra Rose: Really?
Tina Knowles: Yea, that's what I heard. You gotta step your game up Sandra your site is very important to us and our promotion of Beyonce. Your site serves a demographic that is very important to us.
Sandra Rose: And what demographic is that?
Tina Knowles: Our studies have showed that your readers are mostly middle-aged women who have just learned how to use a computer. Also your site caters to women in their 20's and 30's who think $20 + a Citi Trendz gift card= A Luxury Shopping spree. Your readers are very important to us. Almost as important as people with actual style and taste.
Sandra Rose: Ummm...Thanks Tina... Hey I have a question?
Tina Knowles: Yea?
Sandra Rose: Do you think people know that my site is a satirical site, that I'm a spoof of Uncle Ruckus from the Boondocks, the self-hating black person who hates any postive or powerful people of Color.
Tina Knowles: I think people know... I mean, it's so obvious.
Sandra Rose: I know... I don't see how people don't know that my site is a satire. I mean... I look EXACTLY like Uncle Ruckus... and I post about Beyonce ALL the time. And I talk all the time about "REAL" black people yet all I do is degrade other black people. And there's nothing really original about my site. I mean any person with any common sense or logic would know that I'm joking. It's all satire. Do you think people know that I'm really a big Beyonce fan.
Tina Knowles: I think they know. They're just playing along with you.
Sandra Rose: Do you think people know that I love Beyonce's music?
Tina Knowles: I think they know.
Sandra Rose: Do you think people know that I would love to get Beyonce butt-ball naked on a leather couch, and take some strawberries, and...
Tina Knowles: Calm down Sandra. That's my child you're talking about. Don't make me double back-slap you.
Sandra Rose: Sorry.
Tina Knowles: It's ok. Alright, take care yourself, my little... um...well... I don't have a food pet name for you. I try not to think about you while I eat.
Sandra Rose: I understand.
Tina Knowles: Alright, take care yourself, my little... ummm..."stuff left over after they make hot dogs"...
(Tina hangs up and dials another number)
Tina Knowles: May I speak to Rihanna please?
Tina Knowles: (disguised voice) Yea, this is the Free Clinic, and I'm sorry to have to tell you about this... but ALL of your tests came back positive.
Tina Knowles: Yep. You got the crabs.
Tina Knowles: Yep. And worms.
Tina Knowles: Yep. And you're pregnant.
Tina Knowles: Yep. And you got something called Ear Herpes which I have never even heard of until today...
Tina Knowles: Yep. So I'm going to need a list of all your sexual partners so they can be contacted.
Rihanna: Starting from when?
Tina Knowles: From birth until now.
Rihanna: Oh, well, let's see... Chris...
Tina Knowles: Brown?
Rihanna: Chris Brown, Chris Bridges, Chris Webber, Chris Angel, Kriss Kross...
Tina Knowles: Oh. Go on...
Rihanna: Kanye, Justin Timberlake
Tina Knowles: Say WORD?
Rihanna: Ray-J, The Dream, Kanye, Pharrell, The Dream
Tina Knowles: You already said The Dream.
Rihanna: It was twice.
Tina Knowles: (sigh) Listen sweetie. Lesson #1 in Fucking for Tracks. When fucking for tracks you are not obligated to fuck again once you receive the track. That's why it's called fucking for tracks. You fuck FOR the track. One you fuck and you get the track that's the end of that business transaction.
Rihanna: Really. Nobody told me...
Tina Knowles: It's ok... go on.
Tina Knowles: Was he the top or the bottom?
Tina Knowles: Nevermind. Go on.
Rihanna: Let's see. All of the New Jersey Nets. All of Day 26, Half of the original Danity Kane.
Tina Knowles: Back up... Umm... ALL of Day26?
Tina Knowles: Q Too?
Tina Knowles: I know good and hell well you didn't...ummm... I have a question, it's off the record and just betwixt us girls... I've had a thing for Willie for the longest...he could get in my Dereon thong right now without a lot of conversation, persuasion, or negotiaion. Tell me, what that thang look like?
Rihanna: Umm... I don't really remember. Once you've had one dick you've had them all.
Tina Knowles: Ain't that the truth... go on...
Rihanna: Umm...T.I., Lil Wayne... Jay-Z
Tina Knowles: WHAT!?! YOU GADDAMN LIE! MY SON-IN-LAW AIN'T NEVER TOUCHED YOU!
Rihanna: Is this Tina?
Tina Knowles: MISS TINA! And you a damn liar from the pits of Dereon Hell...my son in law ain't never laid a hand on you. He don't associate with loose women.
Rihanna: Well I know that's a lie cause he associates with Beyonce!
Tina Knowles: Your mouth just wrote a check that your narrow ass can't cash. Wait till I get off this phone! I'm riding by your house and going to the trunk of my car.
(Tina hangs up and dials another number)
Blockbuster Manager: Thank you for calling Blockbuster this is Tootie how may I help you?
Tina Knowles: Yes, is Ashanti working tonight?
Blockbuster Manager: Well I just came from out the backroom, and she wasn't there, maybe she's at her other job.
Tina Knowles: Oh. Ok.
(Hangs up. Dials another number)
Kelly Rowland: Thank you for calling Chilli's this is Kelly how may I help you?
Tina Knowles: Yea. Kelly, is Ashanti working the grill tonight?
Kelly Rowland: Yes, hold on. SHEQUOIYA! PHONE!
Tina Knowles: Good evening Ashanti, sorry to disturb you at work and I know your Boost pay-as-you-go minute situation isn't really jumping off this month so I'm going to keep this brief. I was going through my internet records and I have found that your stans are one of the leading Beyonce haters on the internet, 2nd only behind Janet and Christina stans.
Ashanti: That's terrible.
Tina Knowles: Yea, you our studies have found that the less releavant an artist is the more their stans hate on Beyonce. The exception to this is Rihanna, because although she is very relevant at the moment her stans still contribute a substantial amount of Beyonce hate to the internet, but we'll see how relevant she is with a 50 year old woman's foot attached to her, cause when I see that trick I'm I'm breaking my Dereon zebra-skin stiletto heels off in her ass, right at the ankle.
Ashanti: Well, Tina I have no control over what my stans say or do, and although Beyonce is better than me at everything and makes it hard for all female entertainers and is part of the reason why I'm working in a food court, she is not the only reason why our careers have fallen off. Perhaps my stans and the stans of other less successful artists should be flooding record execs inboxes and voicemails instead of Beyonce message boards and YouTube videos because at the end of the day it's the record excecs who make the decision to stop promoting our albums or stop our albums from coming out at all. Yes Beyonce is better than all of us at everything, but sometimes our record labels shut us down before we even have a fair chance to compete with her.
Tina Knowles: You know what... you're right. You're alright with me Ashanti, I don't care what Solange says about you behind your back.
Ashanti: Wait, what did she...
Tina Knowles: Nevermind. Would you like to come to Beyonce's "I'm The Shit" Party?
AShanti: Sure, do you need me to bring anything.
Tina Knowles: Just some of them Chilli's baby back ribs, some ice, and your valet jacket in case we need you to park cars.
Ashanti: You mean I get to hang out with Beyonce?
Tina Knowles: Sure.
Ashanti: Oh BOY! Do you think she'll let me be in her 'Diva' video?
Tina Knowles: Hold on, let's call her on 3way.
Tina Knowles: Beyonce, can Ashanti be in your "Diva" video?