I Guess You Feel Kinda Stupid, Huh?

A wise man once wrote "Believe half of what you see. None of what you hear." His wife once wrote "Dip it, pop it, twerk it, stop it." (So over the years, I've learned when to listen to them and when to ignore them)

So you read on a message board that somebody's cousin's friend's boyfriend's sister's nephew's hairbraider's aunt's baby's father's brother heard on the radio that Lil Wayne said he and Beyonce will be the "surprise" guests with Usher on the BET Awards". So you get all excited. You make about 58 threads about it on about 18 different Beyonce message boards. You imagine in your mind how the performance will go, what she will wear, which direction the curl pattern of her wig will go in, you go to Wikipedia and update the BET Awards page, you download bootleg copies of Photoshop and make pictures that say "The King and Queen of R&B" and put it in your siggy. You go to the mall and have them airbrush a shirt with Usher and Beyonce on it so you can wear it to school that day. You pretty much plan your life around this performance. You get off early from the mall... run home and alas...
No Beyonce!


And the funniest part.

The really, really funny part.

I mean, the really, really, really funny part.

Lil Wayne was in the audience.


Beyonce was not there. She and Mama Tina were watching the show at home, smoking a fat one, drinking MadDog, and eating barbeque pork rinds. Beyonce was removing the dead skin from under Tina's feet while Tina greased Beyonce's scalp (You can't put a price on quality mother and daughter time). I don't blame Weezy for this mixup because there is no proof that he ever said it. Just something somebody heard.

So what have we learned today boys and girls?

1. Internet message boards ARE NOT credible sources.
2. Internet message boards ARE NOT credible sources.
3. Internet message boards ARE NOT credible sources.
4. BET did not play you. YOU played you.
5. People believe what they want to believe despite all the evidence to prove otherwise.
6. Internet message boards ARE NOT credible sources.
7. Out of 8 BET Awards Beyonce has attended 7 and has been the main attraction at 6. Let her rest her BET wig for year.
8. Internet message boards ARE NOT credible sources.
9. Don't believe shit until shit happens.

Here's my recap:

8:00PM Usher opens the show with Love in the Club. Neither Beyonce, Lil' Wayne, or Usher's live singing voice are present. Each time the music slows down you think she's going to pop out from under the stage and dry hump Usher. She does not. I laugh at Beyonce stans for a good 10 minutes.

8:10PM - Jennifer Hudson and Terrance Howard presents Best Male R&B Artist. Beyonce DOES NOT come out and give Terrance a lapdance, or to give Jennifer Hudson an elbow to the mouth.

8:19: Young Jeezy performs. Kanye West comes out. Beyonce does not come out and say George Bush does not care about Creole people.

8:26: Keyshia's Cole's moms Frankie encourages us to vote for the Viewer's Choice Award. Beyonce and Tina do not swing by to pick up Frankie so she come come to the Knowles crib and get down on some of the pork rinds.

8:32: Keyshia Cole performs. Beyonce doesn't come out but that doesn't stop Keyshia from dropping down low and sweeping the floor with it.

8:36: In what could have been a very cool moment Nia Long, Morris Chestnut, Cuba Gooding Jr. have a mini-Boyz in the Hood reunion. Cuba comes out screaming, confused, sweaty and disoriented like your drunk uncle at the Labor Day cookout. Beyonce does not come to escort him off the stage and then do a scene from her heartwarming performance in "Fighting Temptations".

8:40PM: Ne-Yo comes out. And dances... with his microphone turned ON. WORD? Beyonce does not come out to console Usher who was probably in the audience crying.

9:00PM - Alicia Keys. En Vogue. Coko and SWV. TLC. What more can I say? CLASSIC! Beyonce DOES NOT COME OUT with Kelly, Michelle, nor any any of the other 83 former members of Destiny's Child, since Farrah could not get off her shift at TGI Friday's. After the performance Alicia stops by the Knowles compound to return Beyonce's Dreamgirls Cleopatra wig.

9:15PM - T-Pain brings out Big Boi, Ludacris, Flo Rida, DJ Khaled, Kool Moe Dee, Jesse Jackson, Aresnio Hall, Jaleel White, Don Cornelius, Sinbad, James Earl Jones, and Rick Ross. Beyonce does not pop out from under Rick Ross's left titty, to bust a verse on "I'm So Hood". Solange does not pop out from under the right titty singing "I Decided" with Baby Daniel on guitar.

9:47PM - Chris Brown performs. You see a female in the background and think it's Beyonce. It's Ciara. Chris and Ciara do what Beyonce and Usher were SUPPOSED to do. HAHAHAHA. Beyonce does not come out, look at Rihanna stick her hands down Chris Brown's pants and say "Look, bitch I got your man ho!"

9:58PM - The Al Green tribute starts. Beyonce does not come out singing "Love and Happiness" holding a boiling pot of grits. I weep.

10:15PM - Rihanna does "Take A Bow". Beyonce does not come out to give her a bucket so she can carry a tune. I guess all Rihanna haters were supposed to nut on themselves because she was able to sing while standing still. Sorry, but unless she's twirling that umbrella, she doesn't do a lot for me.

I didn't get to see the rest of the show because Mama Tina threw a shoe at the TV when Rihanna was on stage and broke it. And since Solange was at the BET Awards she couldn't use her Best Buy employee discount to get a new Plasma screen. :(

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