The Survivors...

We've been hating on people for 3 days straight so today we will re-visit some Beyonceitis survivors and see if they were able to maintain their status. We also have a few new additions to the survivors list.

Alicia Keys

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Why We Fux With Alicia: She's a great singer, songwriter, and performer and she annoys me the least out of all celebrities.

We're Not Allowed To Talk About: Those tone and pitch issues we discussed yesterday. Plus, her first solo arena tour did just OK. A lot of critics (and I) said that she is best suited for smaller venues, and apparently she's agrees since the 2nd leg of the U.S. tour will be in theaters.

Why She's Immune: She's always held her own in spite of Beyonceitis, and she has 11 Grammys, one more Grammy than Beyonce (I hate it too).

How Beyonce Makes Money Off Alicia: They toured together in 2004 and I'm sure if there were any Matthew Knowles Mathematics involved the money wasn't split 50/50. I'm just sayin...

If She Wasn't Famous Alicia Would Be: Music teacher or volunteering teaching music to inner city youth.

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Ciara

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Why We Fux With Ciara: "Promise" is probably one of the best R&B records of the past 10 years. There are still vocal shortcomings but she's grown (a bit) and at least she sings live. You might not like the sounds that come out of her microphone but at least her microphone is turned on.

We're Not Allowed to Talk About: Like A Boy wasn't the big follow-up hit that she needed, and her BIG film starring role "Mama I wish I could Wanna Sing" is headed skraight (yep, skraight) to DVD.

Why She's Immune: Evolution went platinum in the U.S. (DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GO PLATINUM THESE DAYS?) She's a great dancer, and has just enough vocal talent to put it all together and be a good entertainer. I admire how she tries to be innovative and try new things (I have high hopes for her next album) and her performance with Chris Brown at the BET Awards shows that how much her style has evolved over the past few years.

How Beyonce Makes Money Off Ciara: Ciara is a spokesperson for RocaWear.

If She Wasn't Famous Ciara Would Be: A choreographer, girls basketball coach, or sitting in Lil Mama's chair on America's Best Dance Crew.

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Mary J. Blige

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Why We Fux With Mary: She's a legend and opened the door for all the young R&B Hip/Hop chicks of today.

We're Not Allowed To Talk About: The BIGGEST hit off her last album peaked at #5 on the R&B charts.

Why She's Immune: She's been in the game almost 20 years and can sale 600,000+ the first week. Her (mainstream) career has grown rather than fallen off.

How Beyonce Makes Money Off Mary: Jay-Z and Mary's tour grossed more than $30 million and you know about $20 million went into the wig fund for Beyonce's 3rd album.

If She Wasn't Famous Mary would be: A regular guest on Maury...

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Mariah Carey

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Why We Fux With Mariah: When Touch My Body Went to #1 it proved that Mariah can fart into a microphone and it would go #1. Also if Beyonce stopped promoting B'Day to marry Nick Cannon and skip around Six Flags like she was 12 years old you'd say she had lost her mind. Only Mariah can get away with that. Mariah is as nutty as a Snickers bar and we love her for it.

We're Not Allowed To Talk About: "Touch My Body" was the 2nd dumbest song of the year (NOTE TO ALL SONGWRITERS: I don't wanna touch your body or make love in the gat damn club!) And "Bye Bye" was sort of a... umm... (starts with 'F' rhymes with mop) I'm also curious to see if her voice can survive another tour.

Why She's Immune: She's been in the game almost 20 years and one of the most versatile artists ever. Very few artists can do a song like "Hero" then do a song like "Touch My Body".

How Beyonce Makes Money Off Mariah: Mariah is signed to Def Jam and I'm sure when Jay-Z was president at Def Jam, Beyonce tore up the Popeye's drive thru with some of that "Emancipation of Mimi" money.

If She Wasn't Famous Mariah Would Be: The devil told me to say that she'd be a stripper named Champagne, but I can't really picture Mariah unfamous. If she wasn't a solo megastar she'd probably be the lead singer of a multi-racial singing group... sort of like that girl group... ummm... I forget the name... Damian Dame, Donkey Kong... Danity Kane?

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***NEW ENTRY****

Keyshia Cole

Why We Fux With Keyshia: Hit reality show and 2 platinum albums in the last 2 years.

We're Not Allowed to Talk About: Her BET Awards vocal performance. She looked nice though...

Why She's Immune: Her last album produced 3 #1 R&B singles which is a pretty good achievement so she has proved she can have a solid career without being compared to anyone else.

How Beyonce Makes Money Off Keyshia: Keyshia's mom Frankie is the new spokesperson for House of Dereon's new line of bedazzled freakum dentures.

If She Wasn't Famous Keyshia Would Probably Be: Starting parking lot knife fights with Mary J. Blige.

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****NEW ENTRY**** Ne-Yo

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Why We Fux With Ne-Yo: I'm sure you're wondering why Ne-Yo is on this list since it's all women...but if you look in his eyes then you would know that Ne-Yo is a true lady of soul. And it always warms my heart when average-looking people become superstars.

We're Not Allowed to Talk About: Ne-Yo has gotten a little arrogant lately... despite the fact that all of his sounds have started sounding alike...

Why She's Immune: Although he has a face made for radio, he's become quite the MTV superstar. Plus, Ne-yo has written a rediculous number of hit songs and even upstaged Usher at the BET Awards this year.

How Beyonce Makes Money Off Ne-Yo: One word: Irreplaceable.

If She Wasn't Famous Ne-Yo Would Probably Be: Somewhere directing a choir...

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Usher (Honorable Mention)

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Why We Fux With Usher: 15 years in the game and after two hit multi-platinum albums, numerous hit singles, in 2004 Usher finally achieved the mainstream success he so desperately wanted when "Confessions" became the biggest selling album of the year and his tour sold our arenas around the world.

We're Not Allowed to Talk About: Usher doesn't quite have Beyonceitis, he has MichaelJacksonitis. MichaelJacksonitis is a disease where your personal life becomes too much of distraction from your music, seriously affecting your fan base and the general public's perception of you. Victims include Bobby Brown, R. Kelly, Tevin Campbell, and now MichaelJacksonitis has claimed Usher.

How He Can Fix It: He's only a Timbaland hit and a Deluxe DVD Re-release away from regaining his crown...if he REALLY wants it, but lately it just seems that he doesn't care.

If He Wasn't Famous he Would Be: One of Beyonce's male back-up dancers.

I Think It's Funny That: Cheating, lying Usher on Confessions sells 10 million. Married with children Usher has barely gone platinum.
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THINGS BEYONCE COULD NEVER GET AWAY WITH

Ok. Day 3 of our week long Pastor Anniversary 1-year celebration, and this shit is stressing me out. This whole "posting everyday" thing is just unnatural, but I'm going to stick to my word, and I will get through this week by the grace of God and Starbucks.

A lot of people devote a lot of time into finding fault in Beyonce. But there are things that other stars have gotten away with that Beyonce could NEVER get away with. If you look at Beyonce in comparison to most other celebrities she's a pretty good role model. Let's look at the evidence:

- No leaked sex tapes.
- She's never hit anybody with her car.
- She's never shaved her head (not that there's anything wrong with that but Tina would elbow her in the mouth if she even thought of doing that)
- No trips to rehab
- No embarrassing reality shows
- She has never pissed on underaged kids
- She doesn't fuck for tracks (I know what you're thinking and for your information she didn't let Jay dick her up until AFTER they were in a committed relationship, and AFTER he was tested for STDs and worms. Her mama taught her better than that.)

The most scandalous thing she has ever done was "Crank That Michelle Williams" down a flight of stairs on stage in concert. And even that wasn't a big deal as I thought it would be because in the end it just showed what a great performer she was since she got up and started rotating that lacefront like nothing happened.

Most of the things she's criticized for are things that other artists do or things that we can't prove. The blond hair light skinned thing is played out cause she ain't the only female artist with blond hair, and she has no control over how light or how dark she is. We can't prove that it's her fault that LaTavia, LeToya, and LaFarrah work the food court at Galleria mall in Houston. We don't know what REALLY went down with Destiny's Child since there are at least 2 sides to every story but we are inclined to believe the version the makes Beyonce look like a stuck up bitch.

I feel like because Beyonce is at the top of her game we hold her to a standard that NO ONE can live up to, and she can't get away with anything.

I realized this about 2 years ago, while Jay was on tour in Australia.

Beyonce thought it would be funny to dress like a gangsta cause y'all know she's so hood and stuff...

It seemed harmless and all in good fun...

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Then all types of Creole hell broke loose.

"What the hell is she doing?"

"She's lost her mind!"

"Jay-Z has turned her out!"

"She's glorifying gangsters!

To me it was a girl having fun with her boyfriend onstage, but to Beyonce critics it was just another chance for them to bitch about Beyonce. If any other female artist had done this with their boyfriends on stage I don't think it would have been a big deal. If Ashanti jumped onstage dressed as Nelly it probably wouldn't have been big deal. If Omarion jumped on stage dressed as Bow Wow you wouldn't care. But because it's Beyonce stepping outside of what you expect from her... she's crazy. You complain that she has no personality, but when she does something which shows that she might have a sense of humor then she's lost her mind.

In the spirit of that today we're going to play a game called "THINGS BEYONCE COULD NEVER GET AWAY WITH". I'll name things that other superstars have done that you would never, ever, ever, ever let Beyonce get away with.

Let's begin:


WHO AM I?

I am a MASSIVELY TALENTED multi-platinum superstar. I am undeniably talented but at times I am pitchy and down right off-key during live performances but you let me get away with it because I play the piano. It was RUMORED that I broke up a marriage between a producer and his wife but that rumor didn't get very far because I'm not Beyonce, but had it been Beyonce it would have been headline news on CNN and y'all would have hanged me live on 106 and Park. Who Am I?


WHO AM I?

I don't allow ANYONE to use my photos, videos, songs, or image in any way. I have sued and shut down my own fan message boards to stop them from posting videos, songs, or photos of mine without permission. If I was Beyonce and I did this y'all would torch the wig crypt to the ground but I can get away with this because I'm not Beyonce (although we do wear the same size high heels). Who Am I?


WHO AM I?

I have 5 kids with 3 different fathers. Despite the fact that I wasn't the best singer and arguably not even the best looking member of my singing group I became the lead singer, (maybe because I slept with the head of my record label). Years later, while on stage with my group mates I pushed one of them to the back of the stage because I wanted to be the one in the front. If Beyonce had done this to Kelly you would beat her with a House of Dereon lizard skin belt with rhinestones but I can get away with this because I'm not Beyonce. Who Am I?

WHO AM I?

I have feuded with Natalie Cole, Gladys Knight, Luther Vandross, my own sister, and even Beyonce. I wrote a book about those feuds years ago. I didn't go into detail about what started these feuds but I did write in great detail about who makes the best hot dogs and catfish sandwiches in Harlem. If Beyonce were this mean to her peers she would never work in the industry but I can get away with this because I am the Queen. Who Am I?


WHO AM I?

My album didn't debut at #1 but that's ok because I'm not Beyonce. Beyonce's album has to debut at #1 with at least 900,000 sold or she's a flop. I released 3 singles none of which were big hits, but that's ok because I'm not Beyonce. All of Beyonce's singles have to go to #1 for 10 weeks otherwise she's a flop. I'm not quite big enough to headline my own tours, but that's ok because I'm not Beyonce. All of Beyonce's shows have to completely sell out. If there are 10,000 tickets on sale and she sells 9,998 she's a flop because it's not completely sold out. My career is kinda mediocre right now but it's ok because I'm not Beyonce and you would NEVER let her get away with this. Who Am I?

(NOTE: WE WILL ACCEPT MULTIPLE ANSWERS FOR THIS ONE)


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Hater 2 U

I read comments about this site from people who don't read anything aside from Beyonce CD booklets and are not aware of the concept of satire. These people have accused me of being an undercover "hater" who is trying to mask my dislike of Beyonce through jokes. I say to those people "Eat A Dick". I am a fan... perhaps slightly stannish. If you saw how much I spent to attend the Beyonchichi Experience you would know how much of a fan I am but I have nothing to prove to you. However I would like to take this time to explain the difference between a "hater" and a "stan" and several other types of people I've encountered on blogs and message boards.


TYPE #1 - THE HARDCORE STAN

-- Hardcore stans don't have much of a sense of humor when it comes to Beyonce. Hardcore stans don't find this site funny at all. Hardcore stans think Tina Knowles is a fashion genius and Beyonce was born with sandy blonde long hair and Kelly Rowland is a worldwide superstar.

-- When you wake up the first thing you do is go to Google News and type in Beyonce. You want to know everything she does as soon as she does it. If she wipes her ass you want high-quality photos so you can make it the wallpaper on your computer desktop.

-- Your dream is to die and return to Earth as Beyonce's tampon.

-- "Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Rihanna, Kid Rock, and Mariah Carey will all appear at Fashion Rocks."

That sentence makes you mad because Beyonce's name is not first.

-- You probably have no friends.

Why you do what you do: You rep for Beyonce and that's fine. She needs people like you. It's people like you who pay $700 for meet and greet passes, it's people like you who camp out overnight for concert tickets. It's people like you who buy songs 4800 times on iTunes. People like you are also the reason why she has big scary-looking bodyguards with concealed weapons. CALM THE FUCK DOWN!

Why you're funny to me: It's really not that serious. It's just entertainment.
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TYPE #2 THE HARDCORE HATER

-- You go through all the trouble of registereing on a message board, and you have more posts than most hardcore stans, the only difference is you don't seem to like Beyonce that much.

-- You spend your spare time looking for some video, photo, or comment that makes Beyonce look like a damn fool.

-- You always have a sideways comment, no matter what the topic.

-- You will not waste an opportunity to criticize Beyonce's wardrobe, personality, hair, etc. Anything anybody posts about Beyonce you make it a point to be a negative asshole. It doesn't even have to be about Beyonce and you will go out of your way to post something negative about Beyonce.

EXAMPLE:

Me: Do you think Obama will improve our economy?

You: I don't know. I can't stand Beyonce.

Me: What does that have to do with what I just asked you?

You: I don't know, she overrated.


Why you do what you do: You're trying to prove a point to Beyonce fans that she's not as hot as they think she is, however that's like going to a club that you think is wack just to tell the people there that you think the club is wack. Doesn't it make more sense to let them enjoy the club and you go to a club that you don't think is wack?

Why you're funny to me: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ON A BEYONCE MESSAGE BOARD? I MEAN... REALLY? IT'S SAD...
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TYPE #3 FAIRWEATHER FAN

-Your like or dislike of Beyonce depends on her "hotness" at the moment. If she releases a single that doesn't quite hit #1 then she's wack and played out. If she has a #1 song then she's the best thing in the world.

Why you do what you do: You flip-flop back and foward to create the illusion that you have good taste and only align yourself with "hot artists".

Why you're funny to me: Cause YOU'RE wack and played out...
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TYPE #4 UNDERCOVER AGENT

- You seem to be a Beyonce fan, in your posts you say you like most of her stuff, so why is there a big ass picture of Rhiannashanti in your siggy?

Why you do what you do: You are on a Beyonce board to do 2 things. 1. Promote your favorite artist. 2. Keep up with the "competition.:

Why you're funny to me: Most undercover agents post at other artist's boards so that they can promote other artists, they pretend to be big fans of Beyonce but their TRUE intetions are revealed whenever an argument breaks out.
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TYPE #5 THE STRAIGHT GAY FAN

-- Word on the curb is that you snap for the kids. You say you're not gay but I have a YouTube video of you dropping down low and sweepin the flo' with it that says otherwise.

-- Beyonce is sort of like your beard. You say you want to marry Beyonce. If someone sees a big ass poster of Beyonce in your room they won't realize that deep down you don't WANT Beyonce... you want to be Beyonce.

Why you're funny to me: You say you like girls but there has never been any documentation that you've seen any parts of pussy aside from when you were squished out of one, and you're on a BEYONCE message board. Not saying all of Beyonce's male fans are gay. She has a lot of straight male fans (in Europe and Asia).

It's such a pretty day outside... why don't you COME OUT and play.

Why you do what you do: I guess it's hard to be who you are... even on the internet... but as Bernie Mac said "Be Yourself. If people don't like you if you're being yourself FUCK 'EM!"

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

---Dr. Seuss
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Type #6 THE HOMOPHOBE

--- You don't care too much for the homosexicals, and you use all kinds of gay slurs and homophobic comments in your posts.

--- Why you're funny to me: BEYONCE IS A GAY ICON! You're on a gay icon's message being homophobic. Beyonce has gay stylists, dancers, choreographers, band members, and more, and she's pretty much a big ass drag queen herself. Beyonce is bought to us by a team of fabulous homosexuals so how can you be homophobic?
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TYPE #7 WIG CRYPT'S NEXT TOP MODEL

--You have a HUGE picture of yourself in your siggy which would be fine if you were something cute to look at, but you're not.

-- You seem to have a lot of self-confidence otherwise you wouldn't put a big ass picture of yourself on a message board, but you probably suffer from one of the following ailments:

--Hairline Malfunctions
-- Fat Assery
-- Too Much Lip Gloss
-- Clothes Too Tight, Too Small, or just Dead Ass Wrong
-- You're just generally tragic looking...

Why you do what you do: I guess you're trying to get a modeling deal, or trying to get people to tell you how cute you are which would be fine if you didn't look like King Kong in the face.

Why you're funny to me: People laugh at your pictures and don't tell you. They send private messages about you. They're laughing at you right now.
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TYPE #8 - THE KNOW IT ALL

-- The "Know It All" speaks as if he/she knows Beyonce personally. Like they go to TGI Fridays with Beyonce on the regular... like they go to Target with Tina every Sunday to shop for shower curtains to turn into tour outfits.

-- The "Know It All" speaks as if they have some secret source or scoop close to Beyonce who feeds them information.

-- The "Know It All" never starts a sentence with "I think..." or "In my opinion". The "Know It All" always speaks as if what they are saying is absolute proven fact.

-- The "Know It All" usually types in long paragraphs knowing good and well Negroes won't read anything over 2 sentences. You can hide your credit card and your social security number in a book and Negroes won't find it if it's not on the first page. (I'm Colored so i can say this and you know it's true.)

Why You Do What You Do: You pride yourself on being able to be the first to break news, or being able to say you know something that most people don't know...

Why You're Funny To Me: Cause you don't know shit! You don't know anymore than the average fan. You just took a bunch of stories you've heard, mixed it with things you know about Beyonce and the rest of it you made up by yourself and you go on message boards and present it as fact.
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If you don't fit any of the above categories and you are just there for entertainment you owe it to society to call these people out. So please take some time out of your day to call them out. Name names. Be messy... and tell me all about it.


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BEYONCEITIS - 1 Year Later

Over a year has passed since Beyonceitis started and your album still hasn't come out. Hahaha.

This week we are celebrating the one-year anniversary of Beyonceitis. We have a plethora (yep, plethora) of events including the "Let Me Hold Something" World Tour sponsored by Beyonceitis.com featuring Kelly Rowland and Ashanti with special guest Christina Milian and Mya. Also for one week only we will be offering 40% on all used wigs and hairpieces (discount does not apply to wigs from the Dreamgirls Collection). Also, in honor of this special occasion, I'm going to do something I've never done in the history of this blog. I'm going to make a new post everyday this week (yep, I'm scared too). Today we will also be revisiting some Beyonceitis victims from 2007 and see what progress they've made in 2008.

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VICTIM: Janet Jackson

How It all came together: Feedback became her highest charting song on the Hot 100 in 7 years and her album debuted at #1 on the charts, making her the only African American female artist to have #1 albums in the 80's, 90's, and 00's.

How it all fell apart: There was a little confusion as to what the 2nd single should be and the label just stopped supporting the project.

How She's Trying to Fix It: She's taking her show on the road with the "Rock Withcu Tour" (I got my tickets, well I'm going to get them. Does Ticketmaster accept food stamp cards?) and ticket sales are going well. Despite all the record industry politics Janet is still a first class performer who can probably out perform most chicks half her age. She also has a MTV reality show, a lingerie line, a weight loss book, plus her and Jermaine are selling fried chicken plates, and will be braiding hair, and running a day care center out of their house during the weekends (the tour stage and wigs don't pay for themselves.)

Highlight of her year: When Beyonce shouted her out during her Black History Speech at the Grammys, which is about as close as Janet can get to performing on the Grammys these days.

What Her Fans Need To Do: Realize this is not 1988, hell it's not even 1998. She doesn't have the mainstream status she once has. She has reached the point that most veteran performers reach when their music stops having the same effect on the general public. Her fans need to leave the "hottest chick" shit to Beyonce and appreciate Janet for the legend she is and just be glad that she can tour and have a #1 album 26 years into the music game. . Stop going to Ticketmaster and Billboard every 5 seconds trying to track single and ticket sales, leave the numbers to the ACTUAL professionals and appreciate what she IS doing not what she could be doing.

Why We Should Stop Hating: Very few artists can say they had #1 albums in the 1980's, 1990's, and 2000's and I think her upcoming tour will remind us why she has been able to last this long.

2007 Status: Critical

2008 Status: Stable

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VICTIM: Amerie

How It All Came Together: Her third album "Because I Love It" was released to great reviews...

How it all fell apart: ...but it wasn't released in the U.S, where as Beyonce released an album a week for 3 months in 2007. Soon after the fuckery surrounding "Because I Love It" Amerie left Sony/BMG.

How She's Trying to Fix It: She is now signed to Island Def Jam, home to Mariah, Rhianna, and Janet, so it will be interesting to see how high she is on their list of priorities.

What her fans need to do: Start a petition or something... shit... I don't know.

Why We Should Stop Hating: Say what you want about her live vocals, Amerie has always taken musical risks by working with new talent. Her last album was filled with great tracks with little known producers.

2007 Status: Fair

2008 Status: Critical

Highlight of her Year: Wasn't she in a video with Chingy? Nevermind.
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VICTIM: Kelly Rowland

How It all came together: Beyonce got her a slot performing on the BET Awards, and her album debuted at a respectable #2.

How it all fell apart: Most people didn't really want to "bump like this" and with no strong 2nd single release, Ms. Kelly sold less than 200,000 before it fell off the charts.

How's She's Trying to Fix It: Miss Kelly Diva Deluxe... if I didn't want it the first time what makes you think... nevermind.

What her fans need to do: At this point the best we can do is pray.

Why we should stop hating: The records sales might be low, but you must admit Kelly has really come into her own as a performer. She has gained confidence on stage and off. She's not as intimidated by Beyonce's side eye as she used to be, and when she gets out of line and Beyonce raises her hand to slap her she doesn't even flinch anymore. You go Miss Kelly.

Highlight of her Year: Paying her Sprint bill on time.

2007 Status: Fair

2008 Status: What do you want us to do with the body?

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VICTIM: Rhianna

How It all came together: 4 Top 10 singles including 2 #1s on the Hot 100. 3 albums released in 2 and a half years.

How it all fell apart: No real problems this year... but us Beyonce stans are still hopeful...

How's She's Trying to Fix It: There's not a lot to fix. She's doing well. Rhianna is very good at creating hits without being the best singer or without having a lot of innate music talent. She's not the best entertainer. On stage she has the personality (and range) of a dial tone. She looks bored on stage and is very boring to watch, as if there are other things that she would rather be doing. She's not that interesting aside from on CD or in music videos but she looks great and she has enough of an image to market and attract a fans who want a slightly edgier alternative to Beyonce. Her fan base cares enough to buy singles but clearly not enough to buy albums or concert tickets which is why it took GGGB a while to go platinum and which is why She was relegated to opening for Kanye in the United States.

What her fans need to do: Realize that the hair dye will wash out and eventually her numerous shortcomings will catch up with her.

Why We Should Stop Hating: A lot of people say she's just a singles artist but the truth is those hit singles had to have come from a good album. I'm done with hating on Rhianna (ok...not really) because there's more than one way to be successful. If you wanna take the Beyonce road to success and work hard for 20 years, pay your dues, performing nonstop and become a megastar by being a great singer and entertainer that's fine. If you wanna take the Rhianna road to becoming famous by only performing in ONE talent show then being co-signed by Jay-z and then make a career by standing in one spot on stage for 2 hours swinging a damn umbrella, that's fine too. There's more than one road to success and only time will tell who's still here in the end.

2007 Status: Good

2008 Status: Great

Highlight of her year: Winning one Grammy. One lonely Grammy. One single, dusty Grammy that Jay probably uses as an ashtray.

Additional Reading: http://www.thetimes.co.za/PrintEdition/Magazine/Article.aspx?id=796963

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VICTIM: Ashanti

How it all came together: After releasing 397 different "first singles" to little response her song "The Way That I Love You" got a decent amount of airplay and video rotation and became her highest charting song on the Hot 100 in 4 years.

How it all fell apart: The very "Ring The Alarm"-ish video and marketing campaign behind "The Way That I Love You" backfired, and several black leaders condemned her for glorfying violence. Aside from that "The Way That I Love You", was not enough to move record buyers. Her album debuted at #6 on the charts.

How's She's Trying to Fix It: Her record label are moving ahead with her next single "Good Good", which a lot of people like but to me sounds like something Mariah rejected for E=MC². The video is cute. She looks nice and it's good to see her and Nelly together. (although looks like Ashanti shopped at a "Green Light" and "Check on It" garage sale).

Highlight of her year: A #2 single on the R&B charts and being allowed on the stage twice at the BET Awards (they could have at least let her perform on the red carpet...I mean... really...)

What her fans need to do: Appreciate her career for what it is, not for what it used to be.

Why We Should Stop Hating: This is a common misconception. A lot of people say we "hate" on Ashanti, but in order to be hated on you must doing something worth the hate. People aren't hating... their just kicking her while she's down...lol. Stop it. Buy the album!

Our Advice: She took our advice and hosted 106 and Park for a day. If "Good, Good" is a "Flop Flop" She should roll with that... If Terrence starts poppin off at the mouth she won't walk off the set like Rocsi... she'll just laugh for 20 minutes and tell him that he's bananas. If she wants to revive her music career she should take it back to 2002 when all of her songs had the word "baby" in it and during all of her performances she rubbed that greasy ass weave of hers 48 times a minute... those were the days...

2007 Status: SEVERE

2008 Status: Critical
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Mama Tina sent us the following email:



Dear Wig Crypt,

I was at the Creole Compound kicking it with Keyshia Cole's mom' Frankie. I've been on house arrest for the past 3 months because of my fight with Jay's mom at Bey and Jay's wedding after she called my first born a "baldheaded golddigger" (then me and her stepped out into the parking lot and the wigs came off and the pistols came out). I guess the judge wanted to make an example out of me but I'll do this little bit a time. House arrest ain't a thing. I've already taken a glue gun and a bedazzler to my house arrest ankle bracelet and next month Dereon will be introducing a new line of house arrest bracelets that are bejeweled, bedazzled, and befeathered.

So anyway me and Frankie were were havin our rum and Dr. Pepper, and pickeled pig feet and browsing YouTube and we came across this video:



We were so just shocked by what we saw. I come from a different time of child raising and I would have handled this situation a little differently. Let me tell you how I deal with my children.

Solange left Baby Daniel with me so she could go to Los Angeles to present and park cars at the BET Awards. She said she was coming back Thursday. Didn't see her until Sunday, so when I finally saw her "I Decided" to drop kick her ass. That's what REALLY happened to her foot.

Last year Beyonce was in China for a concert and thought about hitting me, she didn't want to hit me, the thought just crossed her mind. I flew 13 hours to knock her teeth out just for thinking that and was back home in time to watch the Golden Girls. Another time Beyonce was on stage and hit a high note while looking at me and I thought she was yelling at me, so I clocked her in the head with my shoe. I don't play that. Fuck a 10-time Grammy winner. I'll take one of those Grammys and bust you upside the head with it.

But that's just me.

What do you think?

--- Mama Tina



(Beyonceitis.com is satirical, and the above article is false. We here at Wig Crypt have nothing but love and respect for Miss Tina Knowles, and wish not to be "mysteriously" shut down.)


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All I Can Say is YES!!!



This was orginally what Usher wanted to do at the BET Awards, but for some reason it never happened.

Don't mind the people who get up and leave in the middle of it. Extreme Tang + Creole Swagger + Synthetic hair + Sequins are a powerful combination and it was just too much for them.


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