FLASHBACK: A Moment In Black History

Please put my name in your church prayer box or ask Jesus to add me as a friend on your church MySpace page. I'm on the Sick and Shut-In List right now and I have no new material so let's revisit a moment in Black History. I'm assuming you guys like old shit since it's 2008 and we're still talking about Beyonce's skin tone, hair color, and about how her and Matthew kicked out LaTavia, LeToya, Farrah, Kiesha, Sonya, Tonya, Monique, NeeCee, and KiKi. [1]

It was 2 years ago today that Beyonce was promoting B'Day, an album that went on to sale 541,000 the first week, and was the first album this decade by female artist to have 7 singles chart on Billboard. B'Day propelled Beyonce from American R&B superstar to worldwide icon and household name who could perform to packed stadiums in countries like Ethiopia, Romania and Russia (and they don't even fuck with us Niggras in Russia... just ask her backup dancer).

It was also 2 years ago today that Miss Jones almost got double-backslapped by Mama Tina. Miss Tina almost pulled something from out of her purse AND from under her wig but I will admit Miss Jones is quite quick-witted...





[1] NAME THAT TUNE!


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ARTIST PROMO WEEK -- THE GRAND FINALE

Here are 4 more artists who need your money.


1. BRANDY



Ok, she hasn't been relevant since TLC was chasing waterfalls, but you USED to stan for her. She was the first multimedia teen queen (music, movies, tv, merchandise all at the same time) and if we can give Britney a 2nd chance we can give Brandy a 2nd chance. Plus we owe her for under-appreciating 'Afrodisiac'. Here's her new single.


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2. KERI HILSON



She's pretty, she can't really be compared to anyone else, and she writes...she actually writes! She's written for Britney, Usher, Ciara, and Jennifer Lopez, among other artists. Her album is scheduled to be released September 23, 2008, which in Beyonceitis years means it will be in stores March 19, 2027. Hopefully her record label will promote her correctly.Here's her video "Energy".

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3. TINA KNOWLES


Yes. You heard it here first. Miss Tina is in the lab working on her debut album set to be released Spring 2009. The album will be a mix of hip-hop and R&B that will have Miss Tina singing and rapping.







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4. SOLANGE



She was a little different. She didn't do what the fast girls do.









Oh word?

I make fun of Solange. I talk about her never being able to leave the wig crypt and having to spend her Friday nights combing the knots out of Beyonce's hair pieces, and I talk about her 1983 Honda Civic with the oil leak and the trash bags where the windows used to be. But in all seriousness it takes a lot of courage to even try to have a career when your sister is the biggest star in the world. And It takes a lot of courage for her to step from behind Beyonce's shadow and to step from behind the counter at Taco Bell and make the kind of music she wants to make. I got my $9.99 ready to buy her album. And you should too!


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ARTIST PROMO DAY --- DAY 3

FREE ARTIST PROMO WEEK --- DAY 3

Today I have a question for the (straight) fellas who visit this site... all 3 of them...

Let's say you meet the perfect girl, you love her more than the $1 Menu at McDonalds. But sometimes she's too clingy. She follows you everywhere. She wants to be all up on you, ALL THE DAMN TIME! She starts to get on your nerves. Then next thing you know this other girl comes along and gives that 20% you're not getting at home. She seems fun, exciting, wild, and edgy, and she puts her mouth on everything! Then after awhile you realize, she's really not someone you want to be with for awhile. She can't cook, she can't clean, she can't do laundry, she has no marketable skills, no real ambition. She just looks nice, spends all your money, drives all the gas out your car and eats all your damn Hot Pockets! She's nice for the moment but you can't imagine what kind of a future she has.









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Beyonce was as close to perfect as we could get. She was the girl we thought we'd spend the rest of our lives with. But she hung around too much. Got too comfortable. Called all the damn time. Then texted. Then called asking why you didn't text her back, then texted asking why you didn't call her back. She was everywhere you were. She didn't give you a chance to miss her. It got to be too much so you stepped on over to Rihanna, who seemed new and exciting. Now Beyonce is gone. We haven't seen her all year. She doesn't return our calls. We miss her and we want her back. But we're stuck with this non-cooking, non-cleaning, non-singing, non-dancing, non-writing side chick who has confused herself with a wifey and refuses to leave.

The topic of today's show:

5 Reasons Why Beyonce Stans Should Stop Hating on Rihanna.

1. SHE'S NOT THE WORST - Granted, she's not the best vocalist but (for better or worse) you can't deny that she sounds exactly like or very similar to her records. And dance-wise...um... I like that one move where she bobs her head to the left, then shocks the crowd by suddenly moving it to the right... she's so innovative.

2. BECAUSE YOU LIKE HER MUSIC - We may hate in public but you like her stuff. She just went #1 for the 4th time... somebody's buying her shit. And producers will always give artists like her the best songs because they don't have to worry about any strong vocals overpowering their beats.

3. SHE HAS "STYLE" AND "ATTITUDE" - I'm not sure what this means, but Rihanna stans like her cause she's got "style and attitude". I'm sorry if you're in the music business you need to be able to sing, dance, and/or write a damn song. If all you have is style and attitude you should be on America's Next Top Gaddamn Model. You shouldn't be winning Grammys while Tierra Mari is stuck in Detroit rollerskating at Sonic's. But she has style and attitude so I guess that's good enough for you kids.

4. BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS - I know I call her a lot of names, but I feel like she's a nice girl who would be fun to hang out with, and as we learned from the Ashanti episode of the Beyonceitis Show, personality goes a LONG way. Sometimes I feel bad for her. I think she thought she would come to America become a superstar and become best friends with Beyonce. And although now she is a superstar she might be a little hurt with the fact that Beyonce doesn't want to be her friend, or the fact that Beyonce rolls her eyes at her, or gives her the finger, or has thrown a shoe at her, or has let the air out of her tires, or has tried to run her off the road on 4 different occasions. Why can't we be friends?

5. BECAUSE SHE'S CREOLE. That's right. I didn't want to say anything, but it's true.

SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!

Bajan is an English-based Creole language spoken by persons on the West Indian island of Barbados...

I contacted a local college professor who specializes in the study of African American and slave history and he provided me proof that Beyonce's relatives and Rihanna's relatives worked on the same plantation with Ne-Yo's relatives. (Actually Beyonce and Rihanna's relatives sat in the house drinking iced tea while Ne-Yo's relatives worked, and then they took all the credit.)

So it is HIGHLY likely that Beyonce and Rihanna are cousins so we're going to try to be nice to Rihanna because us Creoles have to stick together...and stuff...

This will probably be the last week I do any (FREE) promos. I've learned the hard way that you can't be nice to some minorities. Ashanti's sister Kashif ShiShi acted a damn fool in the comment section on Tuesday. This is what happens when you try to do something nice...

Say something positive about Rihanna...

Jesus will frown on you if you don't...


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FREE ARTIST PROMO WEEK --- DAY 2

Do you have an aunt or an older cousin who used to be the shit back in the day. Her milkshake used to bring all the boys to the yard. She was your favorite auntie/cousin. She got you your first sip of GOOD liquor (not the cheap stuff your mama buys). She taught you how to dress. She taught you all about boys. Taught you what to say to the boys you didn't want and how to get the one you really wanted. But years have passed. The milkshake has gotten a little chunky... and spoiled. The boys don't come to the yard as much. But she still thinks it's "back in the day". She still wants to hang out at the club with you and your friends. She still wants to borrow your clothes and compete with the young girls. When "Get Me Bodied" comes on she gets TOO excited when it's time to do the old school dance because it's the only dance she knows. Hypothetically, she could "drop down low and sweep the flo with it" but you might have to help her get back up. It's not that you don't enjoy clubbing with her... every now and again... but at a certain age you shouldn't be at Freakum Friday or A Milli Monday or whatever event is going on at the local Negro dancery. Sometimes it's ok just to sit at home, count your money and watch the Lifetime Movie channel. But she's family and she taught you everything you know, and you love her.




































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Today, Wig Crypt (in association with KY Warming Mist) presents to you:


5 Reasons Why You Should Buy Tickets to Janet Jackson's Tour:


1. You used to want to be her. You dressed like her. You hurt yourself and damn near busted your little brother in the mouth trying to do one of her dance routines.

2. History has shown that she puts on a good show and you'll get your money's worth.

3. There aren't but a handful of Black females who can fill arenas (without co-headliners) and put on a good show. Beyonce isn't touring this year and I'm still undecided about whether I want to spend $200 to see Tina Turner "Crank That Golden Girls" on stage. Janet is our best bet for this year.

4. OPTION A: You can buy tickets to her concert when she comes to your local arena. OPTION B: Don't buy a ticket, the tour flops, and can buy tickets when she comes to your local high school auditorium starring in one of the urban/gospel/Negro plays: Why Did I Get Married to the Mad Black Woman at the Family Reunion while On My Way To Jail...on the Down Low.

5. Buying a ticket helps feed a starving, sickly-looking child.



OK.

Here's the Ticketmaster Link to her tour dates and to buy tickets.

If Janet doesn't sell at least 1,000 more tickets in each city she's performing by the end of this week I'm starting a rumor about Beyonce. I won't get specific but I'll give you a hint:

Beyonce+ barbeque sauce+Kelly Rowland+Ranch dressing+Rick Ross = Sex tape.

Don't make me do it... you know I will...

I've done my part.

It's your decision.

But don't say I didn't try.


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FREE ARTIST PROMO WEEK --- DAY 1

Today I'm going to do something different...

Sometimes I feel like I'm guilty of promoting the thought that there can only be one successful female music superstar at time. A decade ago you had Mariah, Whitney, Janet, Madonna, Celine, Toni, Brandy, etc all out at the same time, all with #1 singles, all with multi-platinum albums because everyone bought something different and there was room for EVERYBODY. So this week we're going to promote ladies who I may have been a little hard on. Instead of being a hater I'm going to do something for the advancement of colored people (and next week we will resume hating on people). I'm going to tell you a little about them and why you should buy their CDs, DVDs, cassette tapes, Girl Scout Cookies, or whatever it is they're trying to sell you. Whether or not you buy it is on you , but after today you can NEVER accuse me of not promoting other artists.

Let's start with our first artist of the day.

Let's say you're attractive, smart, good personality, but you're going through a bad period in your life, your self-esteem is low, your spirits are down, so you begin a relationship with the 1st person that comes along because you don't think you can do any better.

This is how Ashanti became famous. The year was 2002. Aaliyah had died, Left Eye had died, TLC was breaking up, all of Matthew's Destiny's Children had gone solo, Mary J. Blige was happy, and the other R&B chicks just weren't doing it for you. We were sad, confused, our spirits were broken. So we start fucking with Ashanti because we were lonely, desperate, we had a void to fill and honestly we didn't think we could do any beter. Vocally she was... just ok. Dance-wise she was... eh. She just posed, moved her upper body, and rubbed her hair 75 times a minute. Her debut album was good as far as R&B/ "hip-hop" went at that moment. Nothing groundbreaking or imaginative. A lot of samples that had already been sampled but she was pretty and wrote some of her stuff and that was good enough at the time. We needed a R&B/pop hot chick, and we didn't know that Beyonce and her Amazing Technicolor Lacefronts was waiting just around the corner. Not EVERYONE fell for Ashanti-mania. But we took Ashanti because she had the look, just enough of a voice, and, honestly, we didn't think we could do any better. We bought over 3 million of her albums, put her on the cover of dozens of magazines, and even gave her a Grammy.

Then Beyonce comes along.

You know what happened next.

6 years and 2 forgettable albums later Ashanti has a 3rd album that's not doing a lot better.

So now you're stuck with this Ashanti. She seems nice enough. You don't want to hurt her feelings. You like her... just not like that... You love her... you're just not "in love" with her.

Ashanti, can't we just be friends?

So today I present to you:

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5 Reasons Why You Should Buy "The Declaration"

(ahem)

1. "Good, Good" is your ringtone. I know it. You know it. Just admit it...

2. SHE'S REALLY, REALLY, TRYING. I think she knows it's strike 3 and you're out and she's really putting up a fight. Her live performance skills have improved. Granted, a 12-piece band, 10 dancers, and elaborate sets are NOT in her budget, but at least she shows her personality in her performance, and she's even started incorporating her lower body.

3. SHE HAS NOTHING ELSE TO DO: All of the kids out of school for the summer have taken the good part-time jobs.

4. SHE'S AN AROUND THE WAY GIRL - Ashanti seems nice and approachable. She's seems like a cool chick. Kids these days think they know celebrities from just a couple of interviews and that celebrities owe them more just entertainment. They think celebrities want to be their friends. HAHAHAHA. I'm not paying you to be my friend...I'm paying you to entertain me... so ENTERTAIN ME! But in the minds of some fans having a down-to-earth or cool personality can really make up for lack of talent.

5. It's really not that bad of an album, and you know you've spent money on worse.


Here's the link to buy it on Amazon. Here's the iTunes link.

I'm not saying you have to buy it, but if Ashanti is not back in the Top 50 next week I'm going to register on all Beyonce message boards and hate on the ugly people. And please don't think I won't do it, you know how childish I am.

Also today, you're not allowed to comment on this post unless you say something positive about Ashanti. The funniest nicest comments will be posted tomorrow.

I've done my part.

It's your decision.

But don't say I didn't try.


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IS THIS DARK ENOUGH FOR YOU?

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R.I.P



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R.I.P



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WIG CRYPT MAIL!

Every week (yeah right) I will open the Wig Crypt Mail Bag to answer your questions.

Below is a list of the most commonly asked questions I recieve in my inbox:


Q: Is this site a fan site or a hater site?

A: Yes.

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Q: Why do you always hate on Kelly Rowland?

A: BECAUSE I AM KELLY ROWLAND!

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Q: Why are you such a fan of Beyonce?

A: I'm a fan of old-school natural performers. Before lip-synching, and Pro Tools, and marketing teams, and ringtones. Where it was just you and a mic, a band, a wig, and a spotlight and you had to work it out and if you sucked they booed you (or shot at you, depending on the city). You had to sing and move AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. And Beyonce is as close to an old-school performer as we have right now. Plus I know what's it's like to be hated on for being talented and light-skindededed and and a natural blonde, so in many ways me and Beyonce are soul mates.

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Q: Why Doesn't (Insert Name of Your Favorite Artist) just perform on (Insert Name of Awards Show) or (Insert Name of Talk Show) or be on the cover of (Insert Name of Magazine) to boost their record sales?

A: Promotion is a 2-way street. These shows are not going to book anyone who doesn't attract viewers and these magazine are not going to put anyone on the cover who doesn't generate sales. Beyonce could pick her nose and wipe it on the cover of VIBE and it would sell millions of copies because there is an interest in her. If your favorite artist isn't all on magazines, award shows, and talk shows chances are
no one cares about them. :(


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Q: I'm gay and all my friends are gay and love Beyonce, but I'm just not into her like that. It's something wrong with me?


A: No. As I said previously not all gay men love Beyonce. Only attractive gay men love Beyonce. Unattractive gay men prefer Brandy, Amerie, and such... Old gays still think Janet is the hottest chick in the game, generally wack queens prefer Mariah, homothugs prefer Keyshia Cole, old homothugs prefer Mary J. Blige (we've researced this heavily)


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Q: Beyonce is ok, but I like Rhianna much better. Is there something wrong with me?

A: No. But if you're a Rihanna fan chances are you get a LOT of urinary tract infections and/or "cold sores". I listen to Rhianna's music from time to time because somtimes the sound of a goat groaning over a dance beat soothes me.

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Q: I think Beyonce is overrated, played out, overexposed, her time is up and she needs to go away. What do you think?

A: I think your mother is an old, toothless prostitute who used to sell her ass for $5 and candy bars for 25 cents, and made more money selling candy bars.

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Q: How did Beyonce and Jay-Z Meet?

A: Jay-Z and Matthew Knowles went to high school together. The exact year they graduated is unknown but here is a yearbook pic:
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One day Matthew was hot combing his afro because he wanted Tina to braid his hair and put beads on them. Unfortunately, the hotcomb was too hot and all the oil and Creole herbs and spices that Tina put in his hair burst into flames setting Matthew's hair on fire. Jay-Z just happened to be walking by and ran in and put the fire out and saved Matthew's life. Out of gratitude for saving his life, Matthew promised Jay his firstborn child's hand in marriage. And that is how Jay-Z and Beyonce got together.
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Baby Daniel Is Not A Goon!!!

I have some distressing news.

I had originally planned to set aside today to promote artists who have albums coming out. I was actually going to interview and promote female artists without hating on them. So I got up and got dressed to meet Michelle Williams for our interview to promote her new album (SIDEBAR: Michelle is very beautiful and very sweet in person. When I went to visit her at her day job at Cinnabon she gave me 2 extra icings FOR FREE!) As I was eating my Cinnabon I ran into some of Beyonce's cousins, LaKeesha Dereon, Damneesha Dereon, Watootsie Dereon, Honesty Dereon, Charity Dereon, and Accountability Dereon. We started talking, and they let me know some very shocking and surprising news about their cousin Baby Daniel.

First, Baby Daniel's status is not hood. I know what you're thinking. First Rick Ross, then Plies, and now the realest most dangerous rapper in the industry Baby Daniel. There's just nothing to believe in anymore.

LaKeesha and Damneesha told me that Baby Daniel graduated from college with a 4.0 GPA. THUGS DON'T CARE ABOUT EDUCATION! And that to pay for college he used to work at a animal shelter, caring for sick animals. THUGS DON'T CARE ABOUT ANIMALS!

Baby Daniel attended Miss Geraldine's School of Business, Computer Technology, Fashion, and Hair Design here's his actual college transcript:

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Baby Daniel's claim that he stabbed someone is false. It turns out he took the charge for his grandma Tina, after she took a swipe at Janice Combs with her razor after they got in a fight over the last pack of Honey Blond Yaki at Kim's Korean Hair and Nail supply.

Furthermore I was told that Baby Daniel lied in his interview with VIBE magazine, when he said he and Jay-Z were involved in a high speed police chase in Miami and they had hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of drugs in the car.

The truth is Jay and Baby Daniel were pulled over by the police for speeding, and the only reason they were speeding is because Solange forgot her work uniform and they were trying to get it to her before she started her shift at Target. And the only drugs found in the car were Flintstones chewable vitamins for Baby Daniel and laxatives for Jay's old elderly locked-up bowels.

We also uncovered evidence which shows that Baby Daniel started a charitable foundation. THUGS DON'T GIVE BACK TO THE COMMUNITY!

The foundation is called Wigs for Kids, where he donates Beyonce's used lacefront wigs to sick kids and C and D list celebrities who can't afford high quality hair.

So as it turns out Baby Daniel is not a pimp, thug, criminal, or hoodlum. He's a college educated humanitarian.

Although Baby Daniel has yet to issue an official statement his fans and his peers in the music industry have reacted to the news that he is a fraud.

We talked to Shithead (pronounced SHA HEED, the 'T' is silent) Jenkins a Baby Daniel fan off Allhiphop.com. Here's what Shithead had to say:

"I like my rappers high on a combination weed, coke, cough syrup, gasoline, antifreeze, and wind shield wiper fluid. Only that potent mixture can kill just the right amount of brain cells in order for you to be an authentic goon.

I don't know about you but I will not tolerate any positive role models. I like all the entertainers who represent my race to be ignorant, uneducated criminals. When you go on 106 and Park the only words I want to hear are "Ya know what I'm sayin" even if I can't understand a fucking word you say. I will not stand for positivity and education.

Fuck intellectual and insightful. I want ignorant and incoherent!"


Here's what 2 of Baby Daniel's female fans Chevron and Corolla Jackson had to say:

"When we thought Baby Daniel was ignorant we was in love with him cause ignorance is so sexy to us, but now that we know that he has a degree we're never buying any of his CDs again. Niggas with degrees ain't sexy!"

Here's what Bow Wow had to say:

"This is crazy man. I would never do anything like this. I'm like the realest nigga in the industry. I don't write any of my rhymes. I know I'm like the fakest thug in the history of life and I'm just a dip, spin, and drop away from being a butch queen, and I know I when I take my shirt off I look like an anemic glazed chicken, but I ain't ever lied about nothin... I keeps it real!"

Here's what Ashanti had to say:

"I think it's just bananas. I found out yesterday when me and Nelly were spending some quality time together because every week I let him slide my Metro Card down the crack of my ass just for fun. But anyway I think it's bananas to lie and create a false identity. It's just bananas. I'm glad nothing bananas like that has ever happened to me. I've been honest about my past from day one. I've never lied and I've stayed true to myself and my music which is why I'm the success that I am today. Now please drive around and pay at the 1st window and pick your food up at the 2nd window. Thank you."

Here's what Kelly Rowland had to say:

(THE NUMBER YOU'VE DIALED IS TEMPORARILY OUT OF SERVICE. PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER)

Tomorrow some of Baby Daniel's former fans who are against black people being literate, productive members of society will be protesting outside the Creole Compound and burning all of Baby Daniel's CD's and plan to boycott his next album. We'll have more on this story as it develops.


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Love In The Tub



You wanted a video to Love In the Club pt. 2, but even Beyonce AND Usher combined couldn't give you this much dramatic over-the-top femininity.

Naturally a video like this will leave you with few words but here are just a few thoughts:

1. I place all the blame on Beyonce.

2. There's is a moment early in the video when you think he's wearing a beater and boxer briefs, then you realize it's just a a beater pulled down over his goodies. At this point you may feel your soul leave your body. Just ask your Lord Jesus to be a fence, hold your mule, AND, take the wheel (in that order) and your soul will return.

3. If the fact that he has no panties on doesn't steal your soul, then the shower scene will.

4. Yep, those are balls you see.

5. I bet his Facebook profile says interested in women.


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I Gave All I Could Give...

We have reached the final day of our 1-Year celebration and I have nothing to talk about. If you don't like it you can straight to the Concrete Loop comment section hell.

I'm dry...

I'm tapped out...

I don't know what to talk about...

I have received several angry emails and messages blasting my treatment of Kelly Rowland (where was all this interest in Kelly when Miss Kelly was released?). Kelendria fans took offense when I said that Kelly's biggest achievement was being able to pay her Sprint bill. The Wig Crypt research department has bought to my attention that Kelly's song "Work" was a Top 10 hit in Australia, Estonia, Finland, Framce. Greece. Turkey, Switzerland, New Zealand, Italy, and the UK. Plus it was #1 in Poland, Bulgaria, and Germany, and it should also be noted that in addition to mobile phone service Kelly was able to get some cable in Baby Daniel's name.

Aside from that what else do we talk about?

I guess you've heard that Creole Lady Marmalade[1] is coming out with a new album scheduled for release November 2008. It's been kinda boring without her, but she's never really gone away. She's still on everyone's mind. Blogs still look for any excuse to bring her name into posts... I just cut to the chase...


[1] (joke courtesy of ahotmessblog.com)

ummm... what else should we talk about?

Should would we talk about Rhianna's peep show?

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Why Grandma what big nipples you have...

I have nothing else to post. Nothing.

I guess I can post my favorite comment of the week since the comments are always funnier than the posts on these blogs.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"you forgot to mention solange. she's had a great year. a #1 song on numerous irrelevant billboard charts and the revenue from her hot dog stand is up 25%. pretty good considering the economy now-a-days..."

---motorbike



Motorbike, for your witty comedic commentary, you are the proud owner of a Wig Crypt Gift Basket including $500 worth of unsold House of Dereon merchandise, 2 loose Newports, a $15 Citi Trendz gift certificate, Shrimp flavored Ramen Noodles, half-used bottle of Pink Oil moisturizer and.... you guessed it... a copy of Miss Kelly (I can't help myself)

That's all I have today.

I might be back next week...

I might not...

I don't know.

I'm sleepy...

I need attention so give me feedback. Who did I miss this week? What was your favorite post? What should I talk about next week? What about my body-body?

Stay classy San Diego... and thanks for stopping by.


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