Ask Miss Tina



Hello children. My name is Tina Knowles, but you can call me Miss Tina. I am the mother of two very successful children (Fuck you). I'm also the creative force behind several very successful fashion lines (Fuck you²). I'm a philanthropist, hair stylist, clothing designer, and the director of my church's annual fashion show, and although this is not really relevant to anything it should be noted that I was the original choice to play Foxxy Cleopatra in Austin Powers 3 and it should also be noted that Lionel Richie wrote "Brick House" about me.

But I digress...

Kelly Rowland will no longer be the writer of this blog. Her entry yesterday was a flop. It was the least read entry in the history of blogging. She's not even supposed to be on the internet unsupervised... She knows better.

In between my business ventures, community activities, and stuntin' on middle-aged hoes, I receive a lot of emails asking for advice so I thought it would be a good idea to take over this blog and just share my wisdom with the young people and express my opinions about a few things that bother me.

For example, I think it is very funny that you assholes organized a March on Washington about L'Oreal whitening my firstborn but you ain't said shit about what Time Out New York Magazine did to my son-in-law.

What kind of swollen-lipped special-ed fuckery is this:



Note to Time Out Magazine, someone in your Negro Photoshopping department needs to fix this shit ASAP or I might have to take drastic measures... I'll give you a hint:

Baby Daniel + Your Office + Solange's Honda Accord + A Real Slow Creep

Get the picture?

I also found this part of Jay's interview interesting:

"I went to see Diana Ross in Central Park, in the rain, the infamous “in the rain.” And it started raining and everyone started running. And I’m running and slid down the entire hill. Oh, it was the greatest day...Yeah, I had hormones. I thought she was fantastic. Her hair was blowing. The rain was hitting her face, and her outfit was, well—It was working for me."

Oh word Shawn?

Hmmm... Let's see...

Diana Ross performed at Central Park on July 21, 1983. That means that while teenaged Jay-Z was standing in front of Diana Ross with his dick hard, hoping she would touch him in the morning... Beyonce was somewhere in a bedazzled diaper barely 2 years old...

But that's life. You never know where you'll end up and who you'll end up with. It's funny how our paths cross and how people come in our lives. In my 287 years on this earth I've learned a lot and hopefully with this blog I can share with you some of those things. Right now I would like to answer some questions I received in my email:


"Dear Miss Tina,

I am the mother of a 6 year old boy and I have a hard time getting him to take baths. He kicks and screams when it's time to get in the tub. How can I get him to take baths?

Sincerely,
Sheila


Dear Sheila,

I had this same problem with Solange. She was 17 years old and going through a hippie phase. She stopped taking baths and stopped wearing deodorant. She began smelling like a Bloomin' Onion all around her armpit areas. The worse part is that she stopped doing her hair. Her hair went from Hawaiian Silk to Steel Wool in a matter of weeks. Despite the fact that I didn't agree with her choices, as a parent it is important to know that the way you talk to a child is very important. You must treat children with love, kindness, tenderness, and understanding. So I got a bar of Dove soap, a jar of Gentle Treatment relaxer, put it in a Piggly Wiggly bag and beat the Hadley Street hell out of her. I told her to wash her ass and run a hot comb through her hair or I'd bust her upside the head with a pillowcase full of Beyonce's
Grammys. But I said it with a lot of love and understanding...


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Dear Miss Tina,

Are you and Matthew still together? I haven't seen y'all at an event or award show together since Destiny's Child was writing on the wall.

Sincerely,
Farrah



Dear Farrah,

You need to stay out of grown folks' business.

Fuck you very much,

Miss Tina


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"Dear Miss Tina,

I recently met a nice guy who is perfect on paper. He's good-looking, he has a good job, a degree, his own place, he's kind and respectful, but I just don't feel any chemistry. How do I tell him I just want to be friends?"

Signed,
Jessica



Dear Jessica,

This reminds me of something that happened to me many years ago. It was 1979 and I was in the club one night. I know I was lookin' good I had my Kenneth Cole shoes on, my Gianni Versace blue leather suit, my nails were done and my hair was fierce![1] At the time I was a back-up dancer for Rick James, and an understudy for Vanity 6 so I was the shit on a stick! So I'm in the club, switching, twitching, doing me, swinging my hair, being fine... bitches were hating (but that has always been the case). So I'm standing at the bar when this tall, black fothermucker came up to me in a Kool Aid Red track suit (the kind the makes the woosh sound when you rub the legs together). Then he said to me "Baby, when you gonna let me get a bite of your cookie?" Then I said to him "Even if you weren't cock-eyed, even if you didn't
have a jheri curl, and even if you didn't smell like motor oil and Cool Water cologne, you STILL wouldn't be my type!" Then I threw my drink in his face and walked away. 2 years later we were married and had a child, so I guess this story really doesn't answer your question.



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If you have any questions you would like me to answer please email me at lady_tina@bigfinecreolewoman.com or just leave it in the comment section along with your name, location, and what church you come from.

Coming up I'm going to play some sexy slow jams for you... I have your request for Wax-a-million's "No Panties On the Dance Floor" (my personal anthem) but before that I'm going to ask that you please pray for my fellow cougar and sister in vagina power, Miss Janet Jackson. She is on the sick and shut-in list. She injured herself earlier this week on stage. I told her that once you get to a certain age you just can't pussypop on a handstand ... your knees will lock up on you in a minute! She is so damn hard-headed, but I can't judge her. Back in my day I used to do an assortment of vulgar things while doing a handstand... but that was during my sinning days, long before I began my Naomi Campbell walk with Christ, but we'll talk more about that later. In the meantime I'll talk to you later.

Be safe, keep it clean, and when in doubt ask yourself... What would Tina do?



[1] (free copy of Miss Kelly if you can tell me what song that came from)


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Hello, my name is Sister Kelendria Rowland. I would like to first give honor and glory to the Father (Matthew) the Daughter (Beyonce) and the Holy Spirit (Agnes) I'm a member of the First African New Swinging Lacefront Creole Chruch of Dereon[1] where the Reverend Daniel Smith Jr. is my pastor. I have come to you good people to spread the word of Sasha. Have you taken time out of your day to give thanks to the goodness of Beyonce? This is the day that Beyonce has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

I am the new writer and owner for Beyonceitis. As you all know the original writer had a nervous breakdown and fled to South Africa. Before he left he said I could use his laptop to type my resume' (it saves me a bus trip to Kinko's) but I have taken it upon myself to turn Beyonceitis into my daily journal to give my fans a glimpse of my day.

Tula Mae Robinson will no longer write for this blog. Yesterday was her first and last day. She was arrested early this morning for trespassing. She broke into Jay-Z's apartment and tried to sniff Beyonce's panties. I don't condone such behavior but I do understand the temptation.

But I digress...

Hopefully as writer of this blog I can give you a look into my life. I am much more than the "vice president" of Destiny's Child or Beyonce's sidekick. I am a seperate person aside from Beyonce and Destiny's Child. I have my own career. I am an artist, a songwriter, a sister, a daughter, I'm a host of imperfections, a puzzle yes indeed (please go to iTunes to buy Flaws and All from Beyonce). I tried to give you all a glimpse of my life on my album Miss Kelly but it sold about 48 copies in the United States, 42 of which are in the trunk of Solange's 1983 Caprice.

For my first post on this blog I would like to explain to you what the wig crypt is.

A lot of people make jokes about the wig crypt, but it is a very serious and important job creating, cleaning, and classifying Beyonce's hairpieces. If you place a strand of hair in the wrong place or use the wrong combination of Pink Oil moisturizer and Blue Magic grease, the wig can catch fire then Beyonce will be running around the stage like the Olympic torch and Matthew will be none too happy.

So how do we make the wigs?

It starts with an email.

Beyonce or Angie will email the Wig Crypt representative about what kind of hair she needs and what event she needs it for.

Everyday we check our email for the days work assignments. Today I had a new wig request. Beyonce needs a new ponytail for her concert in Bermuda. First you must gather the hair. I sneak onto a farm to cut the tail off a horse. You have to be really careful, as some farmers carry shotguns, but you don't sing with Destiny's Child for 10 years without knowing how to duck a bullet. Although Beyonce needs
just the tail, I skin the entire horse in case Mama Tina needs the hair for one of her fabulous fashion creations.

The hair is throughougly washed to remove dirt, insects, odor, and horse doo-doo. After it is washed it is marinated for 18 hours in a special secret concoction of Louisiana herbs, oils, and spices. Beyonce's ponytails are designed to be easily detached in case Beyonce has to to snatch it off really quick to pop a bitch in the eye. After the hair is marinated it is hung out to dry in the sun. It is then cut and styled. We then place it on the ground, form a circle around it, say a prayer and perform the breakdown to "Get Me Bodied" backwards. This gets rid of all evil spirits and energy.

Here's the horse before I got to it:



Here it is after:



And here is the ponytail on Beyonce:




Isn't it lovely?

[1]The baptismal pool at the First African New Swinging Lacefront Creole Chruch of Dereon is filled with Armani Diamonds perfume instead of holy water, communion consists of strawberry soda and skin pulled off a Popeye's chicken breast. When members are overtaken by the Holy Ghost and pass out they will be covered with a white cloth with the Dereon logo on it. an We hope to open 27 Dereon churches across the United States and Mexico by Spring 2010.


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Beyonceitis is over. Done. Finished. The writer of Beyonceitis has had a nervous breakdown. The last I heard of him he said "Fuck ALL of you." before going to South Africa with Dave Chappelle. They reportedly smoked some highly potent exotic African weed one night and woke up in a tree the next morning singing songs from the Dreamgirls soundtrack. He says he's never coming back. He says Fuck stans. Fuck haters. Fuck blogs, and Fuck America.

Before I continue I would like to introduce myself. My name is Tula Mae Robinson, Celebrity Photographer. You must say the whole thing like A Tribe Called Quest or A Pimp Named Slickback. You can see my lovely photo above. I took it myself. That's me giving you sexy ... doesn't it just make you moist?

I am the new owner of this blog. I am a highly respected CELEBRITY photographer. Granted, several celebrities don't like me or allow me to photograph them because in my quest to be the black Perez Hilton I make up stories based on wild unfounded rumors and my own diluted assumptions. However, the difference between me and Perez is that Perez actually has sources and inside information. The only inside sources I have are irrelevant "celebrities" that you don't care about. Despite this I am a highly respected CELEBRITY photographer. I have no interest in photographing award shows, fashion shows, or any events with A-List celebrities, mainly because I don't get a lot of invites to them, but my coverage of the "Drop It Like It's Hot Contest" at Club Bucknasty is an unparallelled piece of photographic journalism.

I am glad Beyonceitis is gone. It wasn't funny or relevant. Sites like Beyonceitis is why urban bloggers get no respect from the mainstream media. They always try tear other celebrities down just to get a laugh or visitors to their site. My loyal readers expect quality and I prefer to post subjects that bring quality hits to my site, I like to promote positivity, and I do not hate on celebrities or try to tear them down.

Now let's talk about that fake-ass, white-ass, trick-ass, phony-ass Beyonce. Granted I've never met Beyonce, and everyone I know who knows Beyonce says she's a nice lady, but I don't believe them. I can tell she's stuck up and phony. Mainly because she reminds me of the girls I went to high school with. The ones who were prettier than me, more popular than me, and more talented than me. The ones I was always afraid to talk to. She's not as hot as her stans think she is. I know this because I have 3 accounts on Beyonceworld. I'm not a member because I like her, I just go for exclusive news, I really don't care about her, but my loyal readers seem to care about her so I post about her 9 times a week, and if there's nothing to report I make shit up. Her concert was wack too. I went and saw her in Atlanta and hated it. I hated it so much I bought tickets to see her again in Miami, just to make sure I hated it, then I bought tickets to see her twice in New York, just to be extra sure that I hated the show. She's HIGHLY overrated. She's not a real singer, and by real I mean brown-skinned and slightly overweight.

Please don't call me a hater I don't hate on Beyonce. I just don't like what she represents. I don't like that she's never been arrested in a Walgreens parking lot for drug and weapons possession. I don't like that she doesn't have 57 kids and not one wedding ring. Beyonce sends the wrong message to our young girls. She teaches them that it's ok to work hard, be polite, and keep your private business to yourself. What kind of message is that to send to kids? I don't like that she made more money sitting on the toilet this morning than I made last year. but I'm not a hater. I don't hate black people. I just hate successful black people. Once you become successful you are no longer Black.

Thank you to all of my loyal readers for supporting me. Please come back tomorrow for EXCLUSIVE photos from my coverage of the CD release party for MC Short Bus and Yung Child Support Check. Also, I have EXCLUSIVE backstage coverage of the new hit urban gospel play "Your Arms are Too Short To Vogue Battle with the Lord".

Thanks for your support,

Tula Mae Robinson


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First Class Tickets to Africa

I know us Negros are frightened by paragraphs so I'm going to type this in short lines.

As long as you promise not to read between them.

Please bare with me.

This may not make sense...

So I went to Beyonceworld message board yesterday.

You know what Beyonceworld is...

It's that place where you lurk and steal Beyonce pictures, news, and gossip, then turn around and ridicule the same people you got them from.

So I went there and the first topic says "Beyonce Stans Suck"

At first I thought it was a "hater", but it wasn't.

So I read...

And it was very true.

Beyonce stans do suck...

Ass...

With corn around the rim.

Allow me to explain.

I remember the first time I heard "Crazy In Love".

5 years ago

At this time there weren't a lot of blogs or Beyonce message boards.

We didn't have a lot of leaks.

We just had to keep the radio on and hope we heard it.

They played it and had listeners call in and rate it.

You know... "Kiss it or dis it" /"Pump it or dump it"

10 Calls

9 People liked it

1 person didn't.

Since that day in 2003 when I heard Crazy In Love Beyonce has gotten so far and beyond the realm of typical R&B chicks.

She's become a worldwide megastar

And that's a double-edged sword.

When you become so famous and well-liked by such a wide group of people it becomes harder and harder to please all of them because they all want something different and they have different musical backgrounds.

Beyonce does have fans who understand.

They understand that the all-female band are a group of talented musicians not a group of backup dancers holding instruments. They understand what movie the "Get Me Bodied" video came from, and who Cyd Charisse is, who Alvin Ailey is, and how Beyonce has incorporated them into her work.

They understand that music did not begin with Beyonce.

But she also has a lot of fans whose musical knowledge goes no further than what video is #1 on 106 and Park.

And those fans fuck it up for everyone.

They mean no harm in their ignorance, but sometimes the weakest, most uneducated members of a group become the stereotype by which ALL members of that group are judged.

Not to say that I don't care what people think about her.

If I didn't I wouldn't have started this site.

In the 5 years since I first heard "Crazy In Love" the internet has gotten so far and beyond the realm of simple entertainment.

They went and fucked up and gave us blogs.

To have successful blog, you have to believe that you are saying something
unique or bringing a perspective that no one else has. However, there are really no credentials needed to have a blog.

You can have an entertainment blog that's not very entertaining.

You can have a music blog with absolutely no concept of the history of the music that you report on.

Beyonceitis was born from a genuine frustration.

And I think the overall philosophy can be summed up with this phrase:

You don't really have to like Beyonce, but don't sit and ridicule her when nobody cares about your favorite artist.

The concept of a fictional blog wasn't new. There were fictional blogs before.

The concept of a humor blog wasn't new. There were funny blogs.

The concept of a Beyonce blog wasn't new. Damn near every urban blog is a Beyonce blog. If you don't believe me go to your favorite blog (yes, that one) and go to the comment section of any random story and type CTRL+F (or APPLE+F on a Mac)

Type in "Bey" and just look at the number of times her name is brought up in conversations that have absolutely no fucking thing to do with her.

For better or worse she's under our skin.

And that's what Beyonceitis was about.

------

I'm conducting a scientific study.

Any day now the singles will leak.

I'm going to see if how much I like them as a fan, and not a critic

How much I like them without having someone else tell me how I feel about them

How much I like them without having to defend them

Or argue about them

I'm going to see if after 5 years on the internet

If I will just be able to enjoy the music.

If everybody's a critic

Who's going to be a fan?

I want to take a break from the charts, album sales, ticket sales, and go back to the days when I didn't know shit about shit.

And everything was a surprise.

I would rather listen to the songs, understand what she's trying to do and hate the songs than not understand it and just like it because other people like it.

I'll let you know how that turns out

Of course the people who need to read this won't.

They are too busy starting petitions because they didn't like the length of Beyonce's dress at Fashion Rocks.

I can't change people's ignorance.

The best I can do is change me...


Thanks to the press who have covered the site.

Thanks to the blogs who have shown love.

Thanks to all of those who like it.

Thanks to all of those who hate it.

Thanks to all of those who like it and won't admit it because it's Beyonce-related.

I don't really have any exclusive news.

I have no "inside scoop"

I don't know any celebrities you care about.

I don't know any rappers' baby mamas...

CORRECTION: I don't know any FAMOUS rappers' baby mamas.

(But I can tell you all about this rapper named Young Food Stamp and his chick... she's a real whore, but we'll talk about that later.)

I've asked, and I've asked but Monica won't let me take pictures of her shopping at Ikea.

I don't get any exclusive interviews or leaks...

All I do is make up stories... (the only difference is that I've never tried to pass them off as news)

But you still stop by and read

And I have sincerely appreciated it.

Maybe one day I'll be famous and someone will make up funny stories about my family

Apparently Beyonce's people saw the site a long time ago.

I'm not 100% sure what they think of it.

I guess they liked it, we didn't get shut down.

I'm not sure if Beyonce has seen it.

I hope she does and understands it for what it is

And what it isn't.

Hopefully she'll see the love, the hate, the arguments, and take it all as a compliment.

A sign of the effect that she has on people...

Maybe she'll find it funny...

Or not.

I bet Jay-Z would find it funny...

What do you think?


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Dear Jay-Z...

Dear Jay-Z,

First of all congratulations on your success. Congratulations on your LiveNation deal, all of your business ventures, your platinum albums, your successful tours, winning 1st place at the Senior Citizen's Home talent show (we loved you and Beyonce dressed as Ike and Tina). You and your wife, bang buddy, partner Beyonce are truly icons and it's so refreshing to witness the two of you at the top of your respective fields and at your creative peaks.

Despite all that you guys have accomplished and plan to accomplish I feel that it is time that you two have children. You two have been together 6 years (or 7 depending on which blog you choose to believe). If you two were a hood couple Beyonce would have 6 of your kids by now, your name tatooed on her right titty, and she would have been arrested for trying to stab you in the Waffle House parking lot.

But I digress...

As of 2 weeks ago Beyonce is in her late 20's and you are a few years away from cranking that Social Security Check. Beyonce is in heat and ready to mate and produce offspring. After 6 years of courting and 4 months of alleged marriage she remains unimpregnated. Everytime she's ready to get pregnant you go to record an album. Everytime you're ready to get her pregnant she goes to record 3 albums, go on tour , shoot 7 movies, start a clothing line, and start small European nations. She was ready to get pregnant at the 2006 BET Awards. She did an ancient Creole mating dance which mean she was fertile and ready to receive your seed.

Remember:


Photobucket


But I digress...

We have comprised 4 Reasons why it's time for you and Beyonce To Have some Nigglets:

1. The Fans

Your fans CAN'T WAIT for you to have babies so they can put pictures all in their siggies, gravatars, and MySpace profiles. Is it appropriate? Probably not. Scary? Yes. But they're your fans and you must deal with that... Also I plan to start a blog called the LaDereon Carter Chronicles (assuming you name your child LaDereon), and I will assume the identity of your child and make all kinds of funny posts. I have material already written, and if I run out I'll just steal jokes from Crunk and Disorderly.

2. Sperm Doesn't Grow On Trees

These are Beyonce's optimal child bearing years, her Creole seasoned eggs are ripe and ready to go. As for your sperm... (sigh) I think they've been through enough. Believe it or not as big of a whore as you were back in the day NONE of your sperm has conceived a child. 50% of all your sperm has ended up flushed down the toilet in condoms or napkins, and the rest of it has been desposited it a variety of wigs and weaves of even though she has told you several times to aim AWAY from her hair. You are getting old and in this recession it is not wise to waste sperm, and you promised your sperm if they stuck around they could retire in Beyonce's uterus. If you keep wasting sperm one day you will wake up and just won't have any left. Done. Complete. You Will Shoot Blanks. When you try to skeet a powdery dust-like material with come out and you will cry, but enough is enough.


3. Extra Love

As much as you and Beyonce love each other, think about how having a child will make that love grow. We used state-of-the-art high tech computer technology to show you what Beyonce and her daughter would look like:




We also used the same technology to show you what Jigga Jr. would look like:



4. Give Other People Some Shine

I think the time you spend away from the spotlight raising kids can bring attention to the other members of your family. Solange can promote her album without Beyonce looming in the shadows. And Mama Tina can promote her new movie:






Now that I have given you good reasons why you should create a spawn now it's time for some tough love. You are not getting any younger, and you have no children to carry own the Carter-Knowles legacy. I really didn't want to take it here but EVEN CLAY AIKEN GOT SOMEBODY PREGNANT. CLAY FUCKING AIKEN.

(sigh)

So we are forced to make a decision. If Beyonce is not pregnant by October 6, 2008 we (the stans) will boycott all Carter-Knowles products. We will not buy Beyonce/Jay-Z albums, DVDs, iTunes downloads, re-releases, clothing. Fuck a Blueprint 3, 4, 5, Blueprint Fiftyleven, and whatever liquor you say it's ok to drink in 2009, and we might just vote for McCain just to spite you.


We're tired of waiting. We just can't anymore...

Sincerly,

Your fans


P.S. I have already written a press release for it, so you have to do it.


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One Of My Current Favorite Songs



It's called "Green Light".

It's by John Legend featuring Andre 3000.

Beyonce had a song called "Green Light"

This has absoulutely nothing to do with that song.

2 Different Concepts...

2 Different Sounds...

2 Great Songs...

I Really Like It...

What do you think?


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Beyonce walked to Starbucks this morning and bought a cup of coffee. After that she went to the cleaners to drop off a dress she needed cleaned. She told them there was no rush since she wouldn't need the dress until next week. After she left the cleaners she went to her favorite Chinese take-out restaurant. While she was there Rhianna's "Disturbia" came on the radio playing in the restaurant. After Beyonce picked up her food she ran into T-Pain. She told him she loved his new song. They talked for a few minutes then he went on about his day and she went home.





This is how that paragraph appears on blogs and message boards:


"OMG!!! Beyonce went to Starbucks this morning, she must be on drugs or depressed which is why she needs to drink coffee to stay awake!!! Jay got her hooked on that stuff. She should have never married him. Why wasn't Jay with her? They must be on the verge of divorce because why was she out running errands by herself? I never believed they were a real couple anyway. They are so fake. OMG!!! She must be performing her new single somewhere next week. Why else would she need her dress cleaned for next week! OMG!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!! Why doesn't she support Black-owned businesses? Why she gotta go to Chinese places? Does she think she's Chinese? She's always trying to downplay being Black. I can't stand her fake ass!!! OMG!!! SHE HATES RHIANNA!!!, "Disturbia" came on the radio and she didn't dance or sing along to the song, she just walked out of the restaurant when the song came on! I told y'all she can't stand her, she's mad cause Disturbia went #1. She's so insecure. OMG!!! She's working with T-Pain on her new album!!! They are going to perform a song together at the VMAs on Sunday but it's a surprise!!! Why else would she be talking to him in the middle of the street if they weren't planning a surprise performance at the VMAs? I can't wait!!! OMG!!!

----------------------

Nowhere in the first article does it say half the shit in the 2nd article but for some reason when actual facts get reported on blogs and message boards we feel the need to "remix" them. We see what we want to see. We take facts, fill in the blanks, read between the lines, make up shit, and then pass it around as something that is true. Doing this creates buzz, but it also creates confusion and false hope to the point that people don't get excited about things that are REAL because they have to put up with so many rumors that turn out to be FALSE. And putting 3 exclamation points behind something AND TYPING IT IN ALL CAPS doesn't make it true!!! I know some people are allergic to reading anything over 3 sentences and I know some of you can't tell truth from obvious lies. Some of you are still waiting for Beyonce to release "Worldwide'.

Unless you have a credible source and evidence to back it up anything you type is a rumor. I understand it's the internet and everybody wants to be the first to say they knew something, but at the end of the day nobody remembers who was the first to report a story and I know we're all excited about the new era but I think we should stop trying to figure everything out ahead of time.

Don't you like surprises?


Clearly you learned nothing from the BET Awards disaster (that performance with Usher that never happened) so let me break it down again:


The following ARE credible sources:

1. Associated Press
2. Reuters
3. Prnewswire press releases
4. MTV.com
5. Billboard.com
6. Beyonce herself


The following are NOT credible sources:

1. YOUR blog (don't make up a lie saying Beyonce back-slapped Solange at Kentucky Fried Chicken, then go to a message board saying "I read on a blog that Beyonce back-slapped Solange and Kentucky Fried Chicken")

2. Any blog with no comments.

3. Any blog period.

4. Any news from overseas.

5. Anything somebody told you that heard on the radio (unless they can post an MP3 of it)

6. Anything you read on message boards.

7. Anything you read on message boards.

8. Anything you read on message boards.


Sorry if I seem angry. I'm in a bad mood.

Maybe it's subconscious Beyonce withdrawal.

Maybe it's the weather (It's hot as slavery outside)

Maybe it's my personal life (I haven't had sex since the Destiny Fulfilled Tour)

I'm not sure why I'm so cranky, but I am seriously so fucking tired of people making up rumors, misreading things (or not reading at all), and assuming things when they don't know for sure that what they're saying is true. Today if you find yourself about to type "I heard" or "Somebody said" or "I read on a blog that..." please shoot yourself...

in the face...

Thank you.


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Happy Birthday...

This story begins with man named Matthew and a woman named Tina. They were in love. One night God directed Matthew to the local ABC store and that night over a bottle of Wild Turkey (or Cold Duck, depending on who you ask) they consummated their love. They hunched. They had wild, nasty, sweaty monkey sex. 9 months later our savior was born. Her birth was quite a spectacle. As Baby Beyonce made her grand entrance out of Tina's womb, there was a 10-piece band playing Stevie Wonder's "Isn't She Lovely" and as soon as Beyonce's head peeked through Tina's vajayjay there were fireworks which shot in the air and spelled "BEYONCE!". Matthew, always the hustler, knew his daughter would be special so he sold tickets to the birth of Beyonce for $50 a piece. For $400 you could get the Gold Package and you got to take pictures with Tina and Baby Beyonce, and you could also take home a piece of the umbilical cord as a souvenir. Tickets, of course sold out, but for those who couldn't make it Matthew taped the whole birth for release on VHS and Betamax.

Of course, Beyonce was hated on even at birth. Some of the doctors and nurses didn't like the way she came out of Tina's birth canal so they started a petition asking her to go back in Tina and come out again. But Beyonce didn't let that stop her...

Although Beyonce grew up with a loving family in upper-middle class Houston life for Beyonce wasn't easy. In school a bunch of the uglier, less talented kids ganged up on her and picked on her because she was so gorgeous and talented and all that shit. During this time Beyonce gained the strength to overcome those who doubted her. One day Matthew discovered that Beyonce could sing. Those who were there that day said they actually saw dollar signs in his eyes, like literally, dollar signs. From that moment on Tina and Matthew worked tirelessly to help their daughter achieve her dream of one day becoming the baddest chick in the game. Matthew still had Crown Royal bags full of quarters from when he was 16 so he figured he would be good with money, so he appointed himself as Beyonce's manager, and Tina's cousin owned Patti's Palace of Polyester, so she got the hookup on some sweet discounts on the latest man-made fabrics; she appointed herself as Beyonce's wardrobe stylist. As manager it was Matthew's job to find the best opportunities for his daughter, and as wardrobe stylist it was Tina's job to ensure that her daughter was always dresssed in the best tacky that her sewing machine could create.

I would like to DVD skip the parts where Beyonce was in Destiny's Child, you know that story. Kelly, Michelle, Farrah, T-Boz, whoever. Members left. Beyonce went solo. What you don't know is that Beyonce is on good terms with all former members of Destiny's Child. Her and LeTavia and LeToya reconciled years ago at the Cheesecake Factory in Atlanta. Beyonce was knee-deep in hot wings and LeTavia and LeToya saw her and decided that it was time to put an end to their feud. Beyonce saw them approaching with their arms stretched out for a hug and thought they were trying to attack her and so she bodyslammed them both. She broke a couple of tables and LeTavia walked with a limp for about 6 months, but once they cleared up the misunderstanding they forgave each other and today they are on good terms. Beyonce is even on good terms with Farrah, she gave Farrah huge tip when Farrah waited on her table at Ruby Tuesday's. Which really shows how kind and compassionate Beyonce is.






*************NOTE**********************

1. Technically tomorrow is her birthday, but she shot her "birthday" concert DVD last year 2 days before her actual birthday so shut the fuck up.

2. Yes, this is something that has been posted for about a year. So what? Somebody somewhere has never seen it before. Everybody else steals from here... I can't steal from myself? Shut the fuck up.


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