If you know me then you know that I live for LIVE performances. Producers can make any strumpet sound good on CD, but VERY few artists can give you a good show without all the extra shit, bells, whistles, explosions, clowns, lions, tigers, bears, and special effects.

So that's why I want everybody to buy THE live CD/DVD of the year. We should support pure heart and soul talent. PURE Vocalists and Entertainers, not just these models, dancers, and reality stars with record deals.

So this weekend, while you are taking advantage of some of the holiday deals please set aside a couple of dollars to support THE greatest entertainer and vocalist of our generation:






And, while I really don't concern myself too much with sales and charts and stuff, I understand for most of you stans numbers is all you have and a lot of you are clutching your faux Dereon pearls wondering how next week's charts are going to turn out.

Now that the Black Friday shopping numbers are coming in, next week's Billboard 200 chart is becoming clearer. Here's how the chart is looking so far.

As of now it looks like Susan Boyle will have the #1 Album in the United States (but things can change over the weekend.)

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Further Down...


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Why You Should Buy Rated R

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The year was 2005.

Beyonce was by far the hottest in the game. She had achieved her lifelong dream of being a massive global superstar. She was snatching Grammys and hairpieces. Shutting down award stages around the world. She was having her "moment". She had the kind of career that your favorites can only dream about and, most importantly, she was getting dicked up on a regular basis.

Life was good.

Meanwhile, Beyonce's boyfriend, elderly rap legend Jay-Z, was not quite as happy. He had also achieved massive success in the music industry, but he was anxious to settle down, put a ring on it, and have about 3-4 babies with big-ass lips and oddly-shaped heads. But Beyonce was not interested. She was just starting to build an iconic career and a business empire and every time Jay would schedule a time to get Beyonce pregnant she would push it back like a Christina Milian album. 

It went something like this:

Jay: Hey, Beyonce it's 9PM, I thought we were going to try to have a baby tonight at 8?

Beyonce: Well, I was on my way to your house but I decided to stop in the studio to make an album. I promise as soon as I'm done making the album, shooting 30 videos, and going on tour, you can get me pregnant.

(5 months later.)

Jay: Hey, Beyonce am I still getting you pregnant tonight?

Beyonce: Well I was driving through the Checker's Drive Thru and I saw Kelly and Michelle working the window, and we started talking and one thing lead to another, and now we're in the studio making another Destiny's Child album. I promise, you can get me pregnant after the album, the re-release, the greatest hits, and 12-month world tour.

(12 months later)

Jay: Beyonce! Where are you?

Beyonce: Oh, I can't get pregnant right now, I'm shooting a movie.

Jay: How the fuck are you shooting a movie? I sent you to the store for some milk.

Beyonce: Well, I was on my way to the store but I saw some people shooting a movie, and I said, "I wanna be in it", so I asked them and they just wrote me into the movie in 3 minutes. I promise you can get me pregnant after the movie.


This continued for awhile and both Jay and his sperm started to get frustrated. Jay was getting desperate, and one day, after heavy thought and consideration, he decided it was time to put his wifey out of business. 

The goal was to find some vocally challenged, rhythmless, pretty young chicken nugget , dress her up, and surround her with a lot of loud music and bright colors to distract people from her lack of talent. He knew that some people would stan for anything with catchy songs and high heels, and all he needed was a bunch of geighs to latch on to her and it would a wrap. So while his little chicken nugget was killing the game, Beyonce would be flopping, and would have no other choice but to let him inseminate her.

He searched all throughout the United States for just the right girl for his plan, but came up short. LaFace had already snatched up Ciara and even he felt that signing one of the Destiny's Child's castoffs would be grimey.

Then one day TyTy told him about a girl in Barbados who was willing to do something strange for a little piece of change. So he hopped on a flight down to the island and when he was there he saw a young girl with the face of a model and the forehead of a Tweety Bird.

Jay-Z: Hello.

Rihanna: Ello.

Jay-Z: I heard you could sing. I've come down to hear you.

Rihanna: Well, I'm not really a serious singer, it's just something I do for fun. I have no formal vocal nor dance training, I've only sang in public once and it sucked musty balls. So I don't know if I have what it takes to be a superstar.

Jay-Z: Don't worry about that, I'll help you.

Rihanna: I don't know Mr. Jay-Z. I don't feel right about signing a record contract and taking up money and resources from artists on your label with actual talent. I don't know if I could be easy... 









with that....























Part.

Jay-Z: Don't worry. You need to be more confident. I have a feeling that everything will work out.

Rihanna: I still don't know Mr. Jay-Z. Isn't Beyonce your girlfriend? If I do become a superstar wouldn't I be your girlfriend's competition? I never saw Rene Elizando running around with Paula Abdul. And I damn sure never saw Bobby Brown running around with Anita Baker.  Don't you think  people will wonder why you are putting so much support  and time into your girl's competition? Beyonce is my idol and I don't want her to be mad at me, calling me and hanging up, and keying up my car and stuff...I just could not... be easy...with that...


(4 hours later)

...part.

Jay-Z: It's nothing like that. It's just business. What do you say? Can I make you a superstar?

Rihanna: I'm just not sure. I'm not really good on stage... What if I mess up? What if people laugh at me?

Then Jay gave Rihanna a gift which eased her worries. It was the gift that inspired her to sign a recording contract.  A gift that Rihanna kept near her wherever she went. The gift that made her realize that no matter how bad she sucked, somewhere in the world some group of tone-deaf tweens and queens would ALWAYS support her.

That gift was the Britney Spears - Live from Las Vegas DVD.

From there Rihanna was put through the Def Jam machine.They put gloss on her lips, designer dresses on her hips, swooped a bang over her Superdome, and gave her the best songs that money could buy and Beyonce didn't want. Although Rihanna had a few hits, she was not putting Beyonce out of business in quite the way Jay-Z had planned. Beyonce was still running around the world, touring, shooting movies, recording, and not getting pregnant. Rihanna was starting to blend into the rest of the Beyonceitis victims, and if her 3rd album was not a blockbuster she was in real danger of getting dropped from Def Jam and Roll Bouncing at Sonic's with Tierra Marie.

But one song changed that.

That song was "Umbrella". The song was a catchy mid-tempo number. The message of the song was no matter how bad things get in you life, you can fuck Rihanna silly whenever you want to and things will be better.

From that one song Rihanna became a worldwide sensation. From the strength of "Umbrella" and the accompanying video MTV proclaimed Rihanna "the new Queen of R&B."

People ignored the fact that Rihanna was not (nor was she trying to be) R&B. We didn't ask a lot of questions. We were just tired of Beyonce and we needed a female artist who was:

1. Black (or at least Black-ish)
2. Attractive
3. Talented,
4. NOT Beyonce.

Rihanna was 3 out of the 4 and that was good enough for us. Like Jiggaman we just wanted somebody to make Beyonce go away for awhile. And as a bonus, Beyonce stans hated Rihanna with a passion and for some people, getting Beyonce stans angry was reason enough to stan for Rihanna.

From a live performance aspect her performances were always elaborately staged and choreographed, but she looked and sounded bored. As if there were about 76 other things she'd rather be doing aside from performing. She didn't have much of a range, nor volume or pitch control. And on ballads she was determined NOT to hit any of the notes correctly.

But it didn't matter. Rihanna was SLAYING the game...if only theoretically.  She was a global superstar and a FIERCE fashion icon. It looked like Jay's dream was going to come true. Rihanna was dominating, and Beyonce would be put out of business long enough to hatch his offspring.

But on February 8, 2009 (dramatic pause) things went horribly wrong.

You know what happened, so I won't go too deeply into it. If you forgot I'll refresh your memory:

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In the 9 months it has taken for the swelling to go down and for Rihanna to make sense of what happened to her, Beyonce has only gotten bigger. She refreshed her look and sound, embarked on her most succcessful tour yet, finally got people to take her semi-serious as an actress, and proved that she is one the most versatile performers of this time (or any time).

Who else can do this:


Do this:



And then turn around and do this:



And now there's a new terror for Rihanna and her stans to deal with:

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And that brings us to "Rated R", Rihanna's 4th album in as many years.

It's a pretty good album, but then again so was "A Perfect World", "Afrodisiac", and "The Declaration." What people fail (or choose not to) consider is that there is a distinct difference between a bad album, a pretty good album, and the type of event album that lives up to the hype generated when stans claim that their favorite is about to "change the game".

In 20 years, when Rihanna is playing bingo casinos and judging American Idol, her big selling point will be "She was one of the biggest stars of the 2000's and had 5 #1 singles. If there were a relevant Rihanna fansite the motto would be "5 #1 Singles. You mad?"

So for an artist whose reputation has been derived from numbers and chart positioning "Rated R" could be seen as a big misstep, mainly because I was hard pressed to find 2 #1 singles off of the album, let alone 5. Def Jam has already played most of the album's strongest cards. They have sent 3 singles to radio, and radio sent them to Lady Gaga who wiped her ass with them.

This isn't a singles album. It's a concept album of sorts, everything blends together and there is an obvious sonic and thematic structure, sort of like a movie soundtrack. The problem is neither the concept nor the execution on record, it's the issue of executing them on stage. On "Good Girl Gone Bad", even if Rihanna sucked live on stage (and she often did) you could not deny the catchiness of those singles. This album contains songs that are less commercially accessible but more emotional vulnerable. Songs that she will probably never be able to fully execute live on stage.

So in the end,  what you have is album like any other album from a Beyonceitis victim. A sharply produced album with no BIG songs, but a lot of really good ones, delivered by an artist who is unable to breathe life into them on stage. You cannot with a straight face say "Rihanna is going to kill (insert song) live." It has never happened and probably will never happen. Rihanna is not a vocalist nor is she an entertainer. She a "recording artist" in the strictest and most literal sense of the term.

So why exactly should you buy "Rated R"?

Up until "Rated R" the only thing of any great distinction that Rihanna contributed to her music was her face, name, and body. On "Rated R" the fact that Rihanna had went through a very public and very unfortunate scandal gives the album a certain authenticity that you won't find in most female albums this year.

We complain that artists don't take risks or try anything different. Well "Rated R" is a gigantic risk and it is something different. And if you excuse Rihanna's vocal shortcomings, it is still her name and reputation on the line. So if some of you are about "real" music as much you claim to be you would support art for art's sake, regardless of the artist in front of it. The album's biggest achievement is the fact that the producers, songwriters, mixers, and engineers were able to craft a deeply emotional and textured album from an artist who is unable to convey emotion with just her vocals.

And that is why you should take your debit card, run to iTunes, go to the Rihanna section, and go buckwild. On record is where she gives and gets her life, and therefore that is how we must her support her."Rated R" may or may not be Rihanna's best, but Rihanna on record is as good as she gets.


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In Defense of Alicia Keys...

"The other woman got feelings too."

--- Jill Scott

"Close your legs to married men."

---Nene Leakes

[NOTE: I'm kinda late on this, but with Matthew Knowles taping his segment on Maury Povich today and Tina Knowles bringing Solange's 1992 Acura Integra to a real slow creep around Alexsandra Wright's neighborhood, I feel like this is an appropriate time to talk about whorish activities.]


Because Beyonce is busy touring and not getting pregnant, Alicia Keys knows that it is safe to come out of musical hibernation. She is scheduled to release her album on December 1, 2009. If she were any other R&B McChicken that album release date would be pushed back to July 17, 2027, but there's a very good chance that Alicia Keys' album will actually be released on time. That's because Alicia is different... or at least she was supposed to be.

In a month or two Alicia will hit the promo trail. She'll go to 106 and nem. She'll go on the Today Show, The Early Show, The 3:45 Show, Good Morning America, Git Yo' Black Ass Up, all the other morning shows and talk shows. And she will probably perform a couple of cuts off her new album. And she'll talk all about her new album. She'll talk all about the "artistic inspiration" behind her new music. She may talk about her work with Whtiney Houston, and maybe even mention all of her numerous philanthropic efforts . One thing she will NOT talk about is exactly how long she's been sucking married penis.

This will be the elephant in the room. But thankfully for her she's protected by Clive Davis and very aggressive publicists so she won't have to answer any awkward questions. But for the people on the nigganet and the people who bought into her image, Alicia still has a lot of explaining to do.

If you are a loyal reader then you would know that I like Alicia. In the past when people have accused Beyonce fans of hating on every other female artist we could say: "We're not haters. We like Alicia Keys." Alicia has generally been a friend to the Wig Compound. She and Beyonce toured together in 2004, she has publicly given glory to the name of Sasha Fierce, and she has never told Beyonce to go sit down and have babies. She has learned early in her career that fat meat is greasy, so she doesn't release albums in the middle of Hurricane Sasha season. Because she has been such a good friend to the Knowles Klan the Creole Gods have rewarded her and career, and she has been allowed to break bread and roll blunts with Beyonce, Celestine and the Gang.

I spent 4 of my very crisp $20 bills to see Alicia last year at the Verizon Center. I went with a hardcore Alicia stan. When the concert was over I was fairly entertained. On an entertainment scale of Brooke Hogan to Beyonce it was a Kylie Minogue.5. Not bad at all.

But my friend, the Alicia stan, was clearly disappointed. "It was good...but she sounded funny", she said. "Like she was singing from her face." "Something wasn't right."

I knew what she was trying to say. Although people accuse Beyonce of being over-packaged and over-marketed to compensate for certain deficiencies Alicia is just as packaged and marketed but in a different way. The truth is when you see past the packaging, the marketing, and the Aretha and Roberta Flack rehashings Alicia Keys = Beyonce + a piano, minus rhythm and vocal control. But we have long been programmed to believe that "real music" comes in certain packaging.

Which is not to say that she is not talented, because she is clearly very talented. She has been apart of some of the best songs written this decade (which may or may not be saying much), and she brought live instruments back to the Autotune generation. People had positioned Alicia to be something of a saviour of "real" R&B music. She was proof that you can be commercially successful and still sing about "deep" things.

Because of that positioning and packaging it may have come as a shock and disappointment to her followers and observers when it was uncovered that Alicia had been carrying on an illicit (yep, illicit) affair with a very married man.

Not Alicia!

Not Miss Karma!

She's deep!

She's real!

She's not some tarted-up whore shaking her ass like the rest of the girls.

She was supposed to be different.

She had braids!

WITH BEADS!

SAY IT AIN'T SO!

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(sigh)

When the story broke I of course immediately thought of Beyonce. The Alicia Keys scandal hasn't really infiltrated to mainstream media outlets, but I knew that if it were Beyonce then it would get around-the-clock, September 11th-type coverage. The stans would probably try to defend Beyonce. Something like: "Beyonce didn't mean to sleep with a married man, she just tripped and fell on his dick. Stop hating! You're just mad because she has 10 Grammys!"

Me personally, I really didn't care. Alicia Keys' love life has no direct affect on me as a person. I have this funny little habit of stanning for talent a little more than personality. Which is not to say that Alicia's personality (or perceived personality) doesn't play a part in why I like her so much. Alicia appeared to be a cool ass chick, somebody that you not only wanted to hang out with but would probably let you hang out with her. But the truth is Alicia could be the rudest person in the world and fuck every hip-hop producer in the industry and it still won't change her skills as a musician and songwriter.

In reality, an attractive personality and/or image can go a long way especially if there's not a talented person attached to it. If you were to make a list of your 5 favorite artists there are probably better singers and/or entertainers than everybody on your list (if you think objectively) but most people don't think objectively. We like to project ourselves onto our celebrity idols, and in turn we want to see part of ourselves in them. In the minds of most fans when they buy albums and concert tickets they are also buying a share of a celebrity's personal life. So, as a celebrity it's important to do all the things your fans would do if they were in your shoes. So you can understand somebody's disappointment when it is uncovered that Alicia had been having an affair, or that maybe Beyonce didn't call Jennifer Hudson after her family tragedy, or maybe Ciara is really a Bird In The Chicken House. That is why we make statements: like "I lost respect for (INSERT ARTIST) when she (INSERT SHADY ASS ACTIVITY).

In reality all these artists owe us is entertainment, and none of what they do off-stage is really any of our business. But as much as we say we want "real artists" doing "real music" what we really want is friends and pleasant personalities. It's just another form another form of celebrity worship. So that list you made of your 5 favorite entertainers is really the list of the 5 celebrities you want to hang out with.

If you are personally upset by the Alicia Keys scandal that would be proof that you have invested feelings in her which transcend entertainment.

The reaction I've seen from some of her stans is almost as if you caught your pastor coming out of a whorehouse with crack crumbs on his mouth. People who had bought into the Alicia Keys packaging may have felt betrayed, but in reality she was just an entertainer who did something that ordinary people do every day. So why are we making a big deal?

The truth is as much people accuse Beyonce stans of worshipping her, celebrity worship exists with "deeper" artists as well. It is not spoken because much in the same way that these artists are packaged to be above and greater than worldly things their fans position themselves in the same way. This Alicia Keys+ Married Penis Scandal has brought to light the fact that that the line between "real artist" and "packaged personality" is not has wide as we thought it was. Whether or not they wear blond extensions or beaded braids if you are trying to sell albums or concert tickets you are packaged and marketed to appease a certain audience.

To better understand this allow me to go back in time.

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Picture it. 1998.

Sixth grade.

Every girl I knew who didn't aspire to live the rest of their lives in Chittlinwash, North Carolina working at Bojangles bought the "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" album. It was and still is a masterpiece. Lyrically and musically it was textured in a way that was not permissible in late-90's R&B/Hip-Hop. If you were a girl lost in the world, or trying to find your way, Miss Hill pretty much laid down the law. It was seen by many as a manual on the right and wrong way for a black woman to conduct herself.

DVD skip ahead a couple of years. It turns out it was all a lie. That's not who she was. It had been an illusion. She realized that the "Miseduaction" Lauyrn Hill was not who she was or wanted to sell to the public so she rejected that image. That may have been all well and good for her, but what about the girls I had grown up with? The ones that patterned their lives after the lyrics of that album. The ones that had stopped buying boxes of "Gentle Treatment" relaxer and started rocking dreads, twists, and Florida Evans afros. What about the ones who were unsure of how they could change a world they didn't fit into? Because of this album things made a little more sense to them. They latched on to Lauryn's perceived sense of self and made it their own.

But Lauryn said it was all a lie.

Were they wrong too?

I don't think so.

Another option for those girls that I grew up with would have been to stop letting entertainers define their morals, self-worth, and self-esteem. Let who you are be defined by your live experiences instead of a CD booklet. There's nothing wrong with turning to music to reinforce your strength or self-worth, but in order to reinforce it that means a sense of self-worth already has to be there. And when you depend on packaged personalities to give you standards to live up to you set yourself up for disappointment, especially when they can't even live up to those standards.

The best thing for us to do as fans of music is to get to the place where we support artists for their art as opposed to their personalities, hairstyles, or personal lives. That way we won't be disappointed when we find out that who they are off-stage is a sharp contradiction to what they appear to be onstage.

That's part of what I was trying to explain to my disappointed friend last year as we walked out of the Alicia Keys concert. She was disappointed by Alicia's vocal shortcomings that night. I tried to explain to her that for a live vocalist it is difficult to deliver the same amount emotion and conviction every night, so try to forgive her for not sounding exactly like her albums. In much of the same way it may be also difficult to live up to the demands and expectations of fans who see you as a saviour rather as an entertainer. When you present an image or a way of life that you don't live up to, you might not only disappoint yourself, but the people who follow you. I'm not defending her right to be a whore, I'm just defending her right to be human.

LISTEN : Jill Scott - My Love (live)





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Wiggage Claim



This wasn't the first time. Get over it.

Last weekend a tragedy occurred on 3 continents.

On Friday night (September 11) Beyonce peformed at Jay's 9/11 concert. (that concert by the way was EPIC. Mary came out and killed it, Kanye came out and killed it, Diddy came out and vogued, Kid Cudi came out and killed it, Barack came out and freestyled to "We Run This Town". It was truly a historical event. YouTube it.)

On Saturday (September 12) After Beyonce snatched wigs in NYC she flew 8 hours to Europe to watch Jay-Z open for Coldplay.

On Sunday (September 13) The strumpet then flew 8 hours back to NYC to rehearse Sunday morning and snatch more hairpieces Sunday night. Then won Video of Year,  then hopped on a 23 hour flight to a sold-out show in Australia, and killed it again.

If your wig was snatched by Beyonce over the weekend please contact the Wig Crypt Wig Claims Hotline, give Angie your wig ticket number and we will overnight your wig back to you.

I enjoyed the VMAs mainly because it provided a truly shocking moment. In this age of internet and Twitter, big-mouthed back-up dancers, and blogs trying to give "EXCLUSIVE!" information it's very hard to keep an award show secret, so when Kanye staggered on stage it was refreshing because I was truly surprised.

As for Kanye's outburst I really don't care. Most of you WISH someone would jump on stage and defend the flops you stan for but that's not really relevant to the point. You just hate that Beyonce was the focal point of yet ANOTHER event.

I feel that Taylor Swift deserved to finish her speech in the same way Kanye got to finish his Grammy speeches, and the same way Beyonce got to finish all of her speeches including both of the times that she won Best Female Video.

However I think I understand where Kanye was coming from.

MTV pimped Taylor Swift out for ratings. In reality ALL celebrities get used for ratings but in Taylor's case it was more obvious because MTV historically hasn't paid this much attention to country music. Shania Twain was nominated for Best Female Video in 1998, and even though her album sold 20 million copies in the U.S. she was not invited to perform. Although Shania's video was actually a great video and deserved the nomination, MTV obviously did not feel that she was relevant to the VMA broadcast and their "audience" (not unlike how they felt Black artists back in the day). Even at the height of their fame the New Kids on the Block never performed at the VMAs and only got one nomination for a technical award. 15 years ago Taylor Swift would NOT have been invited to perform regardless of how many records she sold, and the Jonas Brothers would not have been invited last year, mainly because MTV adhered to certain "rules of cool" and just being popular didn't guarantee you an invitation on the stage.

Around about 1999 the line between "great video" and "popular video" became very thin, and MTV started giving performance invitiations (and actual nominations) to any and everybody with a hit record, regardless of the artistic merit of their videos. If a head of lettuce got a #1 album, MTV would book it to perform on the MTV Awards with Madonna and give it 6 nominations.
Taylor Swift is a talented young lady who is deserving of ALL of her success, but honestly Sunday night was my first time seeing her video, and I seriously doubt that she would have received an invitation to perform if she didn't have the biggest selling album of any (living) artist of 2009.

So basically I was left believing that she got an award just for showing up and for attracting the millions of people who bought her album to watch the VMAs. There's really nothing wrong with that since it was a fair exchange for MTV using her for ratings. But when you look at it from an artistic standpoint you can see Kanye's frustration. Kanye clearly takes his music and the accompaning visuals very seriously. He devotes an insane amount of time and money to his music, videos, and live shows. Perhaps a little too much time and money considering the attention span of our generation, and the fact that most of his videos will only get played on YouTube and iPhones. 

When you take your art that seriously you expect others to take it as seriously. When there is an award for Best Video you somehow expect them to give it to the "best" video. I'm aware that what's the best to one might not be the best for others, but the name of the category was Best Female Video. To me that evokes striking and memorable images of female iconography, strong female images, and I really can't think of a more striking image than Beyonce grinding her Creole Catfish into the camera in the Single Ladies video.

And I feel that if Beyonce had the Best OVERALL video of the year then one could reason that she also had the Best Female Video especially since Taylor Swift was not nominated for Video of the Year.

So for MTV to give an award to somebody just for showing up has to irritate Kanye on many levels.

I feel that the right thing to do would have been to give Beyonce every award she was nominated for (with the exception of Best Special Effects and Best Art Direction. And I could've lived with Lady Gaga taking Best Pop Video)  MTV instead decided to ration the awards out like government cheese ( © Alexyss Tylor)

But that's all I have. I'm really tired of hearing about it and thinking about it.

And don't say I wouldn't like it if someone interrupted Beyonce's speech. First of all that would never happen. Julius would've sliced and pepper-sprayed Kanye and Lil' Mama about 18 different ways before they even made it on the stage.

This really doesn't change my perception of Kanye, and still I plan to buy a ticket to see him and Lady Gaga be dramatic cunts in DC if/when the tour gets here. But I what do I know...I stan for talent.

Congratulations to Beyonce on her 8th VMA, and congratulations to Jaquel Knight on his first VMA and to Frank Gatson on his 5th VMA.

SIDENOTE - And I'm usually not a fan of Fire Engine Freakum Red either on Beyonce's hips or on Mama Tina's lips, but Beyonce really made this work for her.

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

QuickPost Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!

This is also my 100th Post. That means over the past 24 months I have posted about 4 times a month.

That's a damn shame.

Those numbers are more depressing than _____________________________'s album sales.

I'll let you fill in the blank.

I just can't deal with you people right now.


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Why Won't You Let Britney Be Great?

I think we can agree that vocally, Britney Spears will never be Aretha Franklin.

She'll never be Whitney Houston.

She'll never be Jennifer Hudson.

On her best day she probably won't even be Ashanti.

Shit, she'll never be Cassie.

So you can imagine my surprise when I saw a video of Britney singing "live" and my ears did NOT bleed.



Britney Spears has never been a singer. I really don't recall an artist since Milli Vanilli who has achieved such great success by not doing a damn thing. Dance-wise she currently moves like a retired Vegas stripper who had a hip replacement. Vocally she... she doesn't. Even her biggest stan will admit that they know that she cannot sing nor dance, but just being in the arena in her presence is worth the price of a ticket.

She has been apart of memorable performances but most have revolved around a stunt of some kind as opposed to some extraordinary singing or dancing.

Her 2000 VMA performance revolved around her NOT singing while stripping.

Her 2001 VMA performance revolved around her NOT singing while holding a snake.

Her 2003 VMA performance revolved around her NOT singing while bumping vaginas with Madonna.

Her 2007 VMA performance...

Let's not.

Her rendition of "You Oughta Know" was not designed to prove that Britney is a great vocalist. That will never happen. Britney's legacy will not be that she was a great musical artist. There's really no such thing as the "Britney Sound". No one has aspired to "sound like Britney Spears". She has, however, influenced other performers. She has paved the way for the Miley Cyruses, Brooke Hogans, Kim Zolciaks, and Paris Hiltons of the world. Personalities who are neither good singers or dancers, but can still be apart of good music with the right marketing and producers.

Obviously Britney's rendition of "You Oughta Know" wasn't vocally spectacular. It would probably get her laughed out of the American Idol audition room, but it is not fair to compare Britney's vocals to Beyonce nor Alanis. In order to find the triumph in her performance you must take the performance in its proper context and think of its intended audience. Her audience, her stans, the people who pay to watch her NOT sing or dance all seemed to love it and that's all that matters.

As hard as it must be to be Britney Spears it must be even harder to stan for her. Everyday you're reminded that you stan for an industry joke who is not even 30 years old and yet is somehow past her prime. You have to deal with bad reviews, YouTube haters, and Family Guy jokes.

Like this:



The worst thing Family Guy has said about Beyonce (so far) was in the "Family Gay" episode when Peter says "“Awwww I wish I was Beyoncé”.

So after all the shit that Britney and her stans have been through we should be proud of the fact that she has made headlines for doing something that does not involve shaving her head, dropping her baby, or showing her twat. The fact that she is a "singer" who actually made headlines for (GASP!) singing is an achievement within itself.

It is not my desire to take this away from her. It's not like Beyonce is suffering right now, or desperate for some positive attention.

In the same way that Britney stans think she is the best thing since cooked crack, Beyonce stans think she is great too, but we have some credible co-signers:

Tina Turner, Diana Ross, Michael Jackson, Prince, Kanye West, Teena Marie, Donna Summer, Debbie Allen, Ellen DeGeneres, Tom Cruise, Hugh Jackmann, Mike Meyers, Dionne Warrick, Grace Slick, Patti Labelle, Annie Lennox, Bono, Chris Martin Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Neffie Obama, Pookie Obama, etc...

Even Ted Nugent is a damn fan.

Stevie Wonder even went to Beyonce's show. And he just doesn't leave his house for any random broad.

Beyonce stans may be delusional but we have legends, reviews, AND numbers to support our delusions.

Britney's greatness exists mainly in Soundscan numbers from 1999 and in the minds of the tweens and power bottoms who call themselves her stans. Her tour is the highlight of 5 years of embarrassments, humiliations, and missteps, and even the nicest reviews admit that she is the LEAST entertaining aspect of her own show. That has to sting a little bit.

She IS a pop icon meaning 20 years from now she will be one of the figures who will represent our culture. But while the Justins, Kanyes, and Jay-Zs will represent the sound of our generation Britney will represent the consequences of fame. She will represent what happens when you give too much fame to children with neither the maturity to handle it nor the talent to sustain it.

Life has given Britney Spears and her stans one sucker punch after another. Because of these things I will not take this small victory away from her.

She deserves it.

It's been Beyonce Week every week since 2003. If she's not winning Grammys, she's selling out shows, or selling albums, or singing for the president, or selling Dereon Vaginal Wash, or just doing something somewhere to remind you that she is better than everybody.

Beyonce's career is and has been overflowing with greatness for a while now. So why can't we let Britney have this one victory?

Why can't we let Britney be great?





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A Fork and a Flashlight

Dear Beyonce,

I wanted to wish you a Happy early Birthday. I know you will probably be busy spending it at a fancy restaurant, or on an island, or under your husband so I'd like to give you your presents early:





It's a fork and a flashlight.

You may not understand why you need these things, but it will all be clear after you read this.

I heard that you are performing at the MTV VIdeo Music Awards. I am both excited and worried about this announcement.

I remember your first major solo award show performance at the 2003 BET Awards.

Even before you sang a single note, or wiggled a single bootybuttcheek Mo'nique introduced you as one of the greatest female entertainers of your time. In less than 5 minutes you made it very hard to be a female in the entertainment industry. Lives were lost. Ponytails were snatched. Careers were ruined. Ashanti went from artist of the year at BET to employee of the month at Dunkin' Donuts.

After the BET performance there was a long line of memorable performances.

You being lowered down like a Creole piñata at the VMAs.



You and your clones at the Billboard Awards.



You and your army of homothugs doing your Dereon mating dance in a ring of fire at the Radio Music Awards.




Your mash-up with Andre 3000 at the Brit Awards.



Your performance with Prince at the Grammys, even after him and Tina got into it backstage over some eyeliner and her purple freakum heels. = Classic.

And your 2006 BET Awards "Deja Vu" Performance?

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From 2003-2006, on award shows stages around the world you served hot Cajun Catfish with a side of cole slaw. And all the children wanted a piece.

However, since that time something has changed with your award show performances.

It's not that you've become sloppy like certain performers. Overall you've become a better version of yourself. You've become a more restrained singer and a much more graceful dancer, so the quality of your performances definitely hasn't decreased. The problem in regards to your award show performances is not that you've become a lazier performer but a better businesswoman. You decided to save your best ideas and performances for your tours rather than give them away for free at award shows.

I guess your thinking was if people wanted to see you at your best they would have to buy a concert ticket, or at least buy the DVD.

The problem with that is that even with your recession seats, for some of your fans it may not be financially or logistically possible to see you live in concert. And although concert DVDs are supposed to capture the best of you on tour I'm sure a lot of other fans would agree that vocally and lacefrontally, the Atlanta show was not the best show on the Destiny Fulfilled tour, and the Los Angeles show was damn sure not the best show on the Beyonce Experience tour.

So there are people around the world who still need to be reminded of who you are and what kind of damage and destruction you are capable of.

I was told that you would be performing "Sweet Dreams". If you are planning to come out dressed like the tooth fairy and do a slowed down MTV Unplugged type thing I would prefer you just stay home, watch it on TV, and let Kelly grease your scalp.

Now, more than ever, it is important that you deliver a jaw-dropping performance. There are some people online who are going around using words they don't know the meaning of. Words like:

"slay"
"epic"
"icon"
"diva"
"queen"
"legend"
"singer"
"live vocals"
"female"

There are people who think someone "slays" a performance just by showing up and not passing out.

There are people who think backbends and splits make an "epic" performance.

There are people who have become music "icons" just by being photographed, turning the sidewalk into a catwalk and hanging out with other people's husbands.

That's why on September 13th I need you to eat this performance like a Popeye's 3 piece. (That's what the fork is for)

I need you do lay down a the type of performance that you did back when you had something to prove.

I want chicks to buy super glue to protect their hairpieces from the wig-snatching that you will bring in New York City that night.

I want even your the your biggest, most bald-headed, most menopausal blackvoices.com hater to be like "Did you see what the fuck Beyonce did last night?

But wait there's more.

You're probably wondering what the flashlight is for.

Because the VMAs are a MTV production there's going to be so much shade in that building that you're going to need an alternate light source to see all those two-faced bitches. For the past year or so MTV has been throwing large amounts of shade, salt, and grease towards you. It is evident in everything they've written (and haven't written).

In March I made a post about your tour and Britney's tour and how I thought MTV would treat you two. It pretty much said that you would work yourself into exhaustion on stage for over 2 hours and get nothing but shade and all Britney would have to do is show up and not piss on herself and she would have the greatest tour in history. I was half-joking at the time but unfortunately that joke became a reality.

MTV.com has written no less than 37 articles about Britney's tour.

Despite the fact that you have one of the most commercially and critically successful tours of the year they could only be bothered to write about 5 articles about your tour, most of which did NOT appear on the main page.

What really overcooked my hamhocks was this article "Was Beyonce Lip-Synching?" concerning your performance at the Oscars. I just find it a little odd that a network who seems so deeply in love with an artist who hasn't sang live since "The Parkers" was on the air would be so strongly opposed to the idea of you using pre-recorded vocals. But I guess that's the name of the game.

I know a large part of this is the fact that they still have egg on their face from when Britney made an ass of herself and them with her comatose performance at the 2007 VMAs. So in writing damn near 40 articles about her tour it creates the illusion that Britney is still relevant to people aside from her stans.

I would like to think that you and Britney are of equal importance to MTV, but the shade they've been throwing is about as subtle as your acting in The Fighting Temptations. I know that the economy (and legitimate journalism) has changed and objectivity does not pay the bills, but I miss the days when MTV.com was a legitimate and (somewhat) balanced news source instead of the gossip blog that it has become.

As for your nine nominations I'd like to think that the cultural significance of the "Single Ladies" video would be enough to guarantee you at least the Video of the Year award, but historically the VMAs hasn't always done right by us Negroes regardless of how culturally significant our videos were. Michael Jackson's "Thriller" did not win Video of the Year in 1984. Janet's "Rhythm Nation" wasn't even nominated for Video of the Year in 1990. And it took 11 years for a Black act (TLC) to actually win Video of the Year. They've cut the "Best R&B Video" award which would not have only recognized you but also exceptional R&B videos released this year from other artists including your sister Solange.

I'd like to have a positive attitude about the VMAs, but I can smell bullshit a mile away. You just make sure Mama Tina brings her boxcutter and fighting wig.

Because of this I need you to go into the VMAs with a different attitude. This is not the year to be humble. As Erykah Badu said "Being humble is so 2007". I need you to be a diva that night. I am tired of seeing you smiling and giggling every time the camera is on you. Ain't nothing in the world that damn funny. At the VMA's I want you to be the messy bitch Tina raised you to be. I want you to throw the type of shade that only a drunken queen or an iconic diva can throw. Take it back to the Destiny's Child days when you could shut a chick down with just one look. Roll your eyes. Fold your arms. Cross your legs. Boo bitches off the stage if the spirit moves you. I want you just get really hood with it. Spit sunflower seeds at the stage when Keri Hilson is on stage. Get a pillow and pretend to be sleep when Britney gets on stage (it won't be that hard). DO NOT tip Ciara when she gives you the keys to your car at the valet parking booth. Be the mean diva that people think you are. They already hate you, give them a good reason.

In conclusion, even if you disappoint me at the VMAs I'll still support you. I'll just talk about you behind your back in blog comment sections like your other fickle-ass fans.

And I'm changing the name of this site to Cassieitis.

Thank you for listening.

And Happy B-Day!


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Online Class (Part 1)

When Obama was elected president I vowed that I would make the effort to contribute more to society. I was not content on just being productive in my own life, I wanted to reach out and touch others, but I was unsure exactly how that would manifest itself. So I thought about it, prayed about it, meditated, listened to B-Day, and asked Jesus to put a word in my heart. Then one day I realized what my calling in life was to be.

I began a mentoring program. Me and a bunch of other Beyonce stans Sasha Fierce Support Representatives went to pre-schools and elementary schools and taught children the correct way to stan for Beyonce on the internet. We would teach the children basic concepts about stanning for Beyonce.

EXAMPLES:

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The mentoring program became a huge success and led to me getting a teaching position. Now, twice a week I teach an adult class at the Cournelis P. Dereon Community College and DNA Testing Center. The name of my class is "Bitches Bitching About Bitches Bitching: The Art of Blogging and Message Board Posting".

Before class begins, I require that all of my students read the following books:

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LESSON 1 - THE FUNDAMENTALS OF MESSAGE BOARD POSTING

The first thing I teach my students is the fundamentals of posting on a message board. My students can use what they learn in my class and apply it to any blog or message board, but I use BeyonceWorld message board as an example because:

1. It is the most famous and infamous message board on the net.

2. It is where fuckery and skull dragging was born.

3.There isn't shit going on at any other message board

I let my students know that posting on BeyonceWorld is the most important thing they will ever do in their lives. Picking a BeyonceWorld screen name is more important than picking a name for your first born.

Registering for BeyonceWorld > registering to vote.

One of the first things I teach my students is that although it is a Beyonce message board not everybody is there to give glory to Tina's firstborn. If you want to stan for Beyonce then buy a damn concert ticket. A Beyonce message board is mostly a social networking site. Although there many different kinds of people who come to the board they can usually be classified in the following categories:

TYPE 1 - RABID STANS - Left alone in their natural habitat Beyonce stans are harmless. However, if you make even the smallest remark about Queen Creole then it's pretty much a wrap. Beyonce stans don't have sympathy. They don't care if you're a legend. They don't care about your family tragedy. They don't care if you boyfriend Boom Boom Powed you in a parking lot. The only thing that matters is that Beyonce Giselle Knowles is the queen of the universe and if you even think anything contrary to that then Beyonce stans will ruin your life, your career, your record sales, and your Twitter page.

TYPE 2 - F.O.F's - FANS OF FLOPS - Stans of Ciara, Keri Hilson, Nicole Schizerzensipsipsipsippinonsomesizzurp and the Boogina Cat Dolls, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Janet Jackson, Ashanti, Brandy, and the other girls on the early lunch shift at Sonic's.

Over half of BW regulars are refugees from other message boards who like other artists MUCH more than they like Beyonce, but they have set up camp on BeyonceWorld. Registering on Beyonceworld gives Fans of Flops something constructive to do in between disappointments. It's a lot more fun than sitting on a Britney Spears board trying to convince yourself that 1999 album sales = 2009 relevance. Or sitting on a Janet board listening to the echos of what a respectable career used to sound like. Or sitting on a Keri Hilson board and...what the fuck do y'all talk about up there?

Some F.O.F's may pretend to like Beyonce to fit in, others are more upfront about their disdain for Beyonce, yet they register and sometimes have higher posts than actual fans. Pretty much the an F.O.F. says "The artist I stan for is so lame even her message board is flopping."

The majority of message board wig-snatchings occurs when a Rabid Beyonce Stan and a F.O.F. go back and forth trying to "own" each other. Realistically a Beyonce stan doesn't have to "own" anybody. The Billboard Charts have owned Brooke/Ciara/Keri/Brandy/Christina/Tiny/Toya/Kima/Keisha/Pam. Time has owned Janet. Life has owned Britney. All a Beyonce stan has to do is kick them while they're down. Yet some Beyonce stans insist on letting the F.O.F's get their blood pressure up.

TYPE 3 - THE SADITTY COMMITTEE - These people really don't stan for anything, they have just come to "put stans in their place" or "bring stans back down to reality".

(sigh)

Joining BeyonceWorld to bring stans back down reality is about as useful as me handing out NAACP pamphlets at a KKK rally. It's a noble effort (in theory), but these people already have their minds made up and they are dedicated to their cause. The only thing I'm going to get is frustrated, and possibly a Mississippi ass-whooping.

Ironically, the people who go to message boards to "put stans in their place" never leave. It's like going to a crackhouse to chastise the crackheads and then getting hooked on the pipe yourself. You're just as guilty as the people you are criticizing and you make yourself look foolish since you spend a significant portion of your day with people you think are beneath you. (SEE: THE SADITTY HOMOSEXUAL)

TYPE 4 - THE SADITTY HOMOSEXUAL - The geigh male who actually admits to being geigh but hides his love of Beyonce because he is afraid that stanning for Beyonce will make him look like a typical homosectional. Sometimes in our quest NOT to be stereotypes we end up frustrating ourselves. Some stereotypes are true. I love fried chicken and I'm not going to skip the Popeye's drive-thru because I want to disprove a stereotype. There's nothing wrong with being a typical homosexual. Your father was a typical homosexual.

Members of the Saditty Committee suffer from a condition I like to call "Pot-Kettle Syndrome". I was raised to believe that if I talked about myself, my flaws, my faults, and all the dirty and shady things I've done then I wouldn't even have the time to bad-mouth anybody else. Most people don't follow this rule and certainly not on the internet. "Pot-Kettle Syndrome" states that a person is allowed to make topics and posts about subjects that they in actuality have no business discussing. This is why a Britney Spears stan can make a topic about Beyonce's live singing. This is why a Ciara stan can call "Ego" a flop (as if Ciara remembers what the top of the charts looks like). This is why women who can barely keep a fuck buddy feel that they are qualified to give Beyonce advice about her marriage. Hypocrisy runs thick online, especially when dealing with hot-button topics.

TYPE 5 - LURKERS AND POACHERS - Blogs, news outlets, and random people who lurk for information as well as members of Beyonce's camp who lurk for feedback/input. They contribute nothing and never credit BeyonceWorld for stories or photos that they steal.

TYPE 6 - SASHA FIERCE SUPPORT REPRESENTATIVES - These are people on BeyonceWorld who are big Beyonce fans even though most of them are afraid to post regularly. They don't actively participate in the day-to-day fuckery and foolishness although they are the ones who buy meet and greet passes, Diva Zone tickets, and stand outside 106 and Park waiting for Beyonce. These fans may log in occasionally for news, videos, and updates but they usually avoid the 60-page
arguments about the socioeconomic significance of the song "Diva". Or whether Beyonce's lipstick matches her bang.


Now that you know who's who you are now ready to register. But don't click the "New Topic" button just yet. It's best just to introduce yourself then sit on the sidelines and observe. Don't be overfamiliar. Don't interject yourself into topics. Start sucking up. Kiss some asses. LMAO at their jokes even when they are not funny. You will need allies and back-up in case somebody comes for your wig. As with any situation you must observe and figure out who the major players are before you make yourself known.

DISCLAIMER - I CAN NOT GUARANTEE THAT YOU WILL NOT BE BANNED! Just because you are a Beyonce fan does not mean that you are welcome at BeyonceWorld. Over the years I have spent almost $900 on Beyonce tickets over, I legally bought most of the albums, I run a blog which pretty much says that Beyonce is better than everybody else, and me and Celestine go wig shopping every Thursday and Sunday, yet I have been banned from the board twice. However there are people who have called Beyonce fat, stupid, and demon-possessed and they are free to run around the board like R. Kelly at a day care center.

2ND DISCLAIMER Please understand that your beef is with the stans not the artists.

Personally I have downloaded music from every artist mentioned on this blog. I have been a big Janet supporter for years. I even bought tickets to Janet's last tour (me and the 2 other people in the arena had the time of our lives). My problem is not with the artists themselves, but with the survived abortions that are their stans. I am tired of people trying to ruin my Sasha Fierce experience. The way that I see it Beyonce has about 5-8 years of relevance left. Then she's going to get arrested for setting Jay's clothes on fire with him still in them (don't act like you don't watched Snapped). She'll do community service, disappear for 6 years, then make her "comeback" at the Grammys.

But it won't be the same.

I don't want the comeback, nor that depressing time waiting for her to comeback. I would rather enjoy her in her prime and not have the experience ruined by people jealous because the artists they stan for have been blacklisted from the industry
and now work at Long John Silver's.

Is that too much to ask?

(sigh)

That's all for Lesson 1. For Lesson 2 I will tell you 5 topics guaranteed to get you stabbed by a Beyonce stan.

Here's a brief pop quiz:


QUESTION 1. PLEASE CORRECT THIS STATEMENT:

"Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Rihanna, and Mariah Carey are among the superstars that will perform at this year’s Fashion Rocks event."

A. "Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, Mariah Carey, and Rihanna are among the superstars that will perform at this year’s Fashion Rocks event."

B. Beyonce will perform at Fashion Rocks. Less relevant celebrities will kill time during Beyonce's lacefront change.

C. This statement is correct

D. B and C are correct.


QUESTION 2- PLEASE COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS WITH THE LESS THAN, MORE THAN, OR EQUAL TO SYMBOLS

A. The $3 bag of hair Tina used to install Beyonce's junior high-ass The Writing's On The Wall braids (<, >, =) Your entire 2009 styling budget.

B. Solange's razor bumps (<, >, =) The relevance of your career.

C. Your Twitter followers (<, >, =) the number of people who bought your last album.


QUESTION 3 - Beyonce and Jay-Z make a sex tape at 3PM. The tape leaks on BeyonceWorld at 3:02PM. How long will it take the tape to appear on MediaTakeOut?

A. 3:03PM

B. A Beyonce fan would delete the tape before anybody sees it.

C. Most of these so-called BeyonceWorld stans would personally walk the tape over to MediaTakeOut

D. None of the above.


CORRECT ANSWERS:

1. Beyonce's name should ALWAYS appear first.

2. A. Beyonce's $3 Moesha-ass braids cost more than your entire 2009 styling budget.

B. Solange's razor bumps are more relevant than your entire career

C. You have 4X as many people following you on Twitter than the number of people who bought your last albums

3. Most of these fake-ass stans would rent a helicopter to get the tape over to Mediatakeout and then act offended when it's posted.


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Thank you...

Sorry for the lack of updates...I've been busy trying to be a male version of a female version of a male version of a...you know what...nevermind.

I've been trying to do this "adult" thing. I'm 23 so this "adult" thing is still new to me. You know: waking up, making a living, contributing to society, paying rent, not slapping random people, not fathering random nigglets, not getting into knife fights in the Long John Silver parking lot. It's VERY stressful. It would be so much easier to not work, wake up at the crack of noon, eat Cheetos all day, stay in my great-grandma's guest room (on the futon my Uncle Ray died on) and vlog about the texture and curl pattern of Beyonce's lacefront. If I did would you subscribe?

I've been feeling blah lately...I'm in need of a vacation, and in SERIOUS need of a conjugal visit AND it's hot as a crotch in DC this week. But I'll be back soon. I know I make about 2 posts a year but I sincerely appreciate everybody who visit everyday for new posts.

As a thank you for not having a life and lurking on my blog your support I have a gift. It's an assortment of my favorite live recordings that I've grabbed and collected from all of my gallivanting on the internet. It features several of my favorite people with live bands and microphones that are actually turned on. It's for anybody who loves LIVE music as much as I do. Remember kids, microphones are NOT fashion accessories. I hope you enjoy it.


LINK 1(MEGAUPLOAD)


LINK 2 (ZSHARE)


Until next time please remember:

Stan for talent not personality.

Twitter followers ≠ relevance.

Taking a bath and putting on dirty clothes = Putting on clean clothes not taking a bath

When in doubt ask yourself "What would Solange Do?

And such...


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Wig Crypt Challenge



Brian = The Air That I Breathe

As usual he has a point.

I'm tired reading hating comments from people who look like this or this.

So my challenge to stans and Sasha Fierce Support Reps, find me an attractive Beyonce hater.

Just one.

The deadline is 12:00AM EST on July 20, 2009.

P.S. - Stop harassing celebrities on Twitter. It makes Sasha Fierce sad.


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Beyonce is a Great Performer But...

2 weeks ago today — a day before he died — Michael Jackson was on my mind.

I sat in an almost empty arena waiting for Beyonce. It was around 6:30PM. The show didn't start until 7:30PM which meant Negroes wouldn't be leaving their house until 9:45PM. That gave my mind a lot of time to wonder.

I thought about my first concept of what a concert was. It was being 6 years old and seeing Michael Jackson standing in front of a packed Romanian soccer stadium. 80,000 people screaming, hyperventilating, and fainting. I never had the occasion to see Michael Jackson live in the flesh, but I remember thinking I wanted to be there. I wanted to go to a show — any show — and see a performer so supremely mesmerizing that I would be moved to fall the fuck out.

2 hours later Beyonce stood less than 4 feet from me in all of her full-bodied Creole glory.

Feet —  encased in sparkling stilettos — which never stopped moving, even during the ballads.

Thighs that could choke a grizzly bear.

Hips that will one day bear Jay-Z's demon spawn.

Titties pushed all the way up to her damn forehead.

10 pounds of somebody else's hair sewn lovingly into her scalp.

And a face which after 4 energetic shows in 4 days showed absolutely no sign of exhaustion.

She stood before me, and my legs started to shake.

"Oh damn..."

Then horns to "Crazy In Love" started.

"Oh shit..."

And the crowd went cuckoo banana crackers. The ladies were screaming. The gays were lisping, hissing, spraying, and snapping in all kinds of circles. The whole arena was on fire. My knees started to buckle. It was going to happen. "Oh my God, I'm about to faint at the Beyonce concert."

Then I thought about a piece of paper in my pocket with a number on it. It was my concert ticket. And on that ticket was a number: $200.75.

And then I thought. "Oh hell no."

See, when I pay 200 of my dollars, and 75 of my cents I'm not missing a damn second of a concert. If I pass out then Beyonce better get off stage do CPR and the Deja Vu rain dance on my chest to revive me. And if by chance the ambulance has to carry me away, she better pack all her shit up and set it up at Howard University Hospital.

Looking back on that moment is proof that there will never be another Michael Jackson, not now, not ever. Not many people can provoke the same type of hysteria he did. But I'd like to think that night was the closet I'll ever get to being at a Michael Jackson concert. Great performers transcend race, genre, and generation, but the ethic is the same. It's the thought that a performer could give so much of themselves to the point where they have no more to give.

I won't go into vivid detail about her concert because you don't care.

Beyonce sang and danced (at the same damn time) for 2 hours.

But you don't care.

She actually floated over the crowd.

But you don't care.

She laid hands on somebody in a wheelchair and he stood up, walked, then did the Ricky Bobby.

But you don't care.

You probably wouldn't even care if Marvin Gaye came back from the grave and sang "Halo" with her.

There's only one thing you want to know about the concert. Only one question you want me to answer. The only thing that truly matters.

Was the concert sold out?

It looked sold out. It appeared to me that every available seat had been sold. I asked Julius if I could stand on stage and do a head count but he said no. I also asked if I could take a shower with Beyonce's back-up dancers and he said no to that too (Juilus is damn hater!) But as I stood directly in front of Beyonce the only number I cared about was that $200.75.

I realized that we are so obsessed with numbers because there is such a talent deficiency, such a lack of that "Great Performer Ethic" that we need some way to prove greatness. Beyonce is the #1 diva in the game but so what? #2, #4 through #11 are all tone deaf with no rhythm, so there has to be some other way to measure greatness in 2009.

If I wanted to "shut somebody down" I would run to Wikipedia and throw some numbers at them.

She has 10 Grammys. That's more than most legends. 2 more than Miss Houston, Miss Turner, and Miss Streisand. 5 more than Miss Jackson. 10 more than Miss Ross.

She has a bunch of #1 singles.

She has sold millions of albums. The exact number I don't know, cause niggasbelyingonwikipedia.

And the tour is performing to packed houses around the world.

But the Grammys get it wrong sometimes. And record labels can grossly exaggerate record sales. And I could always give away tickets to make an arena appear sold out. So when sales figures lie, how exactly do you measure the greatness of a performer?

Simple. It's by the number of followers they have on Twitter.

I realized this back in April. When Beyonce was doing an interview promoting "Obsessed" and the there was a comment on YouTube. The comment basically said "I would like Beyonce more if she were on Twitter, she acts like she's not a real person." The comment was so simple yet so powerful and so representative of the times our future legends must thrive in. If I were signed to record deal today, the sad reality is that they would have me spend more time Twittering my fans to appear approachable than in a studio taking vocal and dance lessons so that I could give my fans a decent show.

But I don't blame them. A good personality gets you far in this industry. Almost as far as actually singing on key and dancing on beat. But when you are private, like Beyonce, and would rather sing than give an interview and authenticity is measured by the number of followers you have on Twitter, it can be a little rough.

1. Beyonce is a good performer...but she's so stuck up.

Here's a scenario for you.

The "Sweet Dreams" video is about to air. Matthew Knowles sends a letter to BET. In the letter it says, that if they want to air Beyonce's new video they must refer to Beyonce as the "Queen of Pop and R&B", and they must do it on air for at least two weeks, otherwise they will not get the video.

This has happened before. But of course no artist could get away with this kind of thing today, and certainly not Beyonce. She can barely crack a joke in concert without it turning into a Supreme Court case. I remember the video I posted when the dude said that there was something about Beyonce which rubbed him the wrong way. Something about her made her seem so full of herself.

She always wants attention.

Word?

She wants attention?

She's a celebrity and she wants attention? As opposed to wanting to fade into a life of obscurity and Dancing With the Stars, she wants to keep her name and her brand alive?

Shame on her!

2. Beyonce is a good performer...but I wish she would sit down and give somebody else a chance.


Another scenario for you.

It's 2004. Beyonce wins Best R&B Female Vocal Performance for Dangerously In Love 2" And she wins the same award again in 2005. And again in 2006. And 2007, and she wins the same award every year until 2011.

This has happened before, but it couldn't happen today. Not because there aren't talented female vocalists that could do this, (Alicia Keys has won twice in row) but because by 2006 somebody would have started a petition to NARAS asking them to give the award to somebody else to make it fair. That artist would be accused of "monopolizing" the industry. Such is the hypocrisy of the music industry in 2009. We want new legends but we don't live in a world supportive of the same things past legends have done.

We complain that artists aren't like they used to be "back in the day", nobody is raising the bar, but when an artist starts killing the game, and raising the bar we  do everything we can to get them to go away so we can lower the bar again. When someone says "I wish Beyonce would sit down and give someone else a chance." I often wonder "Who sat down for Beyonce?" Really. Which artist said "Well Beyonce I'm tired now, you can have my career. Deuces!" The answer is no one. No one gave her anything so I don't understand why it's her responsibility to try to save other artists or sit down so that moderately relevant artists can flop.

When Aretha was in her prime the industry was a kingdom and she was the undisputed Queen. I'm sure not everybody liked it. I'm sure Gladys Knight wanted to take her out to the parking lot, and perhaps Patti Labelle wanted pull something out of her purse. But they didn't, they just came harder -- musically and vocally -- and became legends in their own right. Their stans never wrote a petition asking Aretha to sit down. That kind of bitchassedness didn't exist in that time. Legends were great, simply because they were allowed to be great. We allowed them to kill the game as hard as for as long as they wanted to.

2009 stans, particularly the pressed ones, treat the industry like the monkey bars at recess, they expect everybody to get a turn regardless of actual talent or competence.

Wouldn't you rather win knowing you beat "the best" as opposed to winning only because "the best" had to sit down?

3. Beyonce is a good performer...but she seems so fake.

Fake is defined as "something that is a counterfeit; not what it seems to be"

"A person who makes deceitful pretenses".

Hold on to that thought and turn with me to the book of Rihanna, Chapter 4 Verse 2. And The Lord The Dream said:

"I'm breaking dishes,
Up in here
All Night (uh-huh)
I ain't gon' stop until I see police and lights
Imma fight a man tonight
Imma fight a man tonight
Imma fight a man tonight"


The idea presented in this song-- and the whole damn album-- is that Rihanna is a bad girl. She takes no shit from any body. She's strong, free-thinking, fierce, and independent. She can handle herself in any situation.

Meanwhile, in real life, she fought a man and lost. But she's supposed to be a "bad girl" right? She declared herself a bad girl and created a whole damn album around the concept that if provoked she could easily whoop your ass. Shouldn't a bad girl know how to defend herself, or at least take a some kind of stand against abuse? She presented herself as a bad girl, but as it turns out she wasn't so tough. Does that make her a fake?

Was that an extreme way to make my point?  Perhaps. But no more extreme than creating a 5 minute video calling Beyonce a devil-worshipping whore to prove YOUR point. I believe what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and if you're going to call one fake, call all of these chicks fake.

I don't mind moral indignation, but most people are only indignant when it supports their cause or the artist they love. Or the artists they hate.

I could boycott Chris Brown. I could crush his CDs, erase him from my life and my hard drive. Or I could give some of my time or at least some money to a battered women's shelter. Or I could, at the very least, spend time with my little sisters, nieces, or cousins to make sure they have the self-esteem and the common sense to leave a man who knocks them upside the head. Lots of us could do lots of things within our own lives and communities to combat the same "fake" images we condemn. But we won't. Most people's self-righteous sense of good and bad goes no further than message boards, blogs, and YouTube. People rarely feel strong enough about a cause to stop bitching about it online and actually do something about it in their real lives.

The day after I sat waiting for Beyonce, Michael Jackson died. I knew what was coming next.

"Michael Jakson was a great performer, but....his face..."

"Michael Jakson was a great performer, but....his skin..."

"Michael Jakson was a great performer, but....the drugs..."

"Michael Jakson was a great performer, but....he was... just strange."

And so on.

To let them tell the story Michael released "Thriller", bleached himself, went crazy, and died. The End.

Message boards and YouTube weren't much kinder.

Freak.

Pervert.

Molester.

And those were the nice words.

If I got caught up in name calling then technically my iPod is full of songs from freaks, perverts, molesters, and a wide assortment of crazy people. I have songs from more than a few former and current drug addicts, more than a few PROUD drug dealers, homewreckers, woman beaters, drunk drivers, accused child pornograpghers, and a bunch of convicted felons including a convicted rapist. But the music lover in me can't look at them in that way. It taints the feelings and the memories I have attached to the songs, regardless of the tortured souls behind them. And if I only listened to the music of people who always did and said the right things and followed every word of the Bible, then my iPod would empty.

Which brings me back to Washington, DC. June 24, 2009. Walking out of the concert I wondered how history will treat Beyonce. History has under-appreciated a lot of artists, and over-appreciated others. I'm not sure how "they" will tell her story. And you never really know what "they" actually think of us until one of us dies... or gets arrested.

Maybe in 20 or 30 years at some hall of fame induction ceremony Beyonce's kids will be sitting with Alicia Keys' kids, who will be sitting next to Justin Timberlake's kids, who will be sitting next to Usher's kids. And their parents will be sitting through a half-assed musical tribute done by whoever the hottest chick in the game is in 2039.

I'll be at home watching with my kids, adopted Malawian daughters Vanity and Apollonia. And they will ask me about music from "back in my day". I could tell them about that gay rumors. The failed marriages. The rehab stints. Beyonce getting arrested for chasing Jay-Z down the street with a hot skillet, or what ever scandal or misfortune that may transpire in the coming years.

But I won't.

There's really only one thing I could say. The only thing that should matter. The only part of their lives that had any direct effect on my life. Regardless of anything else they were all great performers. Period.


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Diva

Once upon a time there was a beautiful young lady, we shall call her "Diva" Now if Diva really wanted to should could have been a world famous supermodel. She certainly had the looks and the attitude, but what she really wanted to do was sing. She had studied all of the greats and the legends before her and had incorporated it into her own style. So after years of showcases and meeting with record labels Diva got a record deal. Diva was heavily and methodically groomed and marketed for white and black audiences and she became an instant hit on both the R&B and Pop charts. Year after year Diva had hit after hit and sold millions of albums around the world.

Diva starred in a movies, endorsed products, and performed on stages around the world, sweeping award shows, making other female artists look downright lazy. In just a short amount of time Diva totally dominated the industry, achieving a lifetime's worth of accomplishments, and surpassing legends before her. Diva performed for presidents. Diva performed for world leaders. Diva sang at Super Bowl as our troops fought overseas. Diva became one of the biggest stars in the world. Yet family remained important to her. Diva took her parents to all of the award shows and she gave other family members jobs working for her traveling with her everywhere she went. They were there to keep her grounded because she was achieving a level of worldwide success that was uncommon, especially for black female artists.

But things weren't perfect for Diva. People thought the man that helped her get into the industry was pulling all of her strings. They thought he controlled her every move because a woman, particularly a black woman, can't think for herself.

Right?

And we weren't all that nice to Diva. We called her fake. A sellout. An oreo. Yeah she could sing, but we said she was watered down and had no soul. We even booed her a couple of times. Yet Diva only got bigger. She continued to slaughter her competition on stage, on record at award shows.

Then one day Diva married a "bad boy". We didn't quite understand the attraction between a middle-class princess and a dude from the projects. So we said it wasn't a real marriage, but a busiess arrangement. He was supposed to give her street cred. She was supposed to give him "pop cred". Yet, despite the criticism Diva just got bigger.

After awhile Diva became a larger-than-life figure, almost mythical. Everything she did and everything she said was dissected. Sliced. Diced. Chopped And screwed. So much so that we forgot that in the center of all the rumors and hype was a massively talented woman. And we didn't start fully appreciating the talent until we almost lost it. And after the booing, the ridicule, the rumors, and doing everything we could to degrade her, as she stood before us, a broken shell of her former self, we had the audacity to look at her and ask "What happened?"


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This year she has a new album coming out and she's eligible for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. She's alive and well (and looking good), so let's give her props while see's still around to see it.







http://www.classicwhitney.com/interview/rollingstone_1993.htm


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Legends Never Die



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Beyonce Bound...

Going downtown to behold the precious Lamb of Matthew. Follow me on Twitter if you want to:

http://twitter.com/wigcryptkeeper8

I'll be twittering (or whatever you call it) up until the show starts. I refuse to tweeterize (or whatever you call it) during Sasha Fierce's performance. That is disrespectful to her art. And I will probably be deleting the twitter profile since Twitter is a tool of the devil.

TTYL


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Let's Boycott Beyonce!

Dear BET,

I was under the impression that you picked your award show performances based on sales and popularity, but now that I know all I have to do is create a Twitter petition there's some things I want you to know. First of all we (stans of mildly relevant artists) are tired of seeing Beyonce at any and every award show. The Grammy Awards, the MTV Awards, the BET Awards, VH1 Awards, the gatdamn Animal Planet Awards, we're tired of it. She is NOT God and I am tired of her monopolizing the industry. I am sick of her and her singing on-key, and dancing on beat and getting standing ovations and stupid shit like that.. It's about time you gave other artists a shot, like artists who don't have an ounce of rhythm, or artists who couldn't carry a tune in a Gucci bag. Or just random-ass artists. Why can't you just have random ass regular people on the show? Why do you always have to support the most popular and the most talented? The BET Awards should be a showcase for ALL people.

If you do not put the following artists on the 2009 BET Awards we will not be watching:

- Letoya Luckett
- LaTavia Roberson
- Ciara
- Keri Hilson
- Farrah Franklin
- Adina Howard
- Monifah
- An Xscape Reunion
- A 227 Reunion (minus Jackeé, she was always trying to upstage Marla Gibbs, and she has the weird "e" on her name like Beyoncé)
- Coolio
- Skee-Lo
- Domino
- KP and Envy
- DJ Jazzy Jeff (but not Will Smith's overexposed ass, we pressed stans only support the underdog)
- A Vanity 6 Reunion
- A Klymaxx Reunion
- An Another Bad Creation Reunion
- A Color Me Badd Reunion
- Oran "Juice" Jones
- Cameo
- Terrence Trent Darby

- Maze (but not Frankie Beverly. I'm tired of him hogging the spotlight, just like Beyonce)

- Parliament (but not Funkadelic)

- Kool and the Gang (minus Kool, he's overexposed)

- The Cult Jam (fuck Lisa Lisa!)

- Fire (we're tired of Earth and Wind monopolizing the industry)

- A "The Boys" Reunion

- A "House Party" Reunion with all original cast members EXCEPT Kid and Tisha Campbell (Tisha looks too much like Beyonce, and the only reason Kid's name is first is because he's light-skinned and Matthew Knowles paid for it)


- My 8 year old cousin and her school's dance troupe doing a routine to "Halle Berry (She Fine)" by Hurricane Chris

- Hurricane Chris

- My grandma who just lost her foot can get on stage and do the "Stanky Leg" and raise awareness about diabetes.

- My great-aunt Cookie doing her version of Rebbie Jackson's "Centipede." (Beyonce better watch her back!)

- My Aunt James and Uncle Jermaine doing their version of Ashford Simpson's "Solid As a Rock"

And at 10:00PM you should just put a microphone on the stage, and just have an open mic at the BET Awards and let everybody jump on stage like it's the '96 Source Awards. It's time to make this year a big ole country-ass tacky-ass unorganized talent show where any and everybody can jump on the stage, not just Beyonce.

If you don't meet our demands we will NOT be watching the BET Awards this year. Well, we're going to watch so we can hate on Beyonce the next day, but we're going to have an attitude about it.

If you are a stan tired of BET showcasing talent and if you are tired of Beyonce setting the bar too high for other artists please sign this petition and feel free to add on to it.

Signed,

Pressed Ass Stans
wigcrypt.blogspot.com

SIGN MY PETITION!!!
http://twitition.com/pnxwr


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RE: 2009 BET Awards Seating Chart

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Hello children. This is Foxxy Lady Tina coming to you today. That Beyonceitis boy needed a break. He's still dealing with his broken heart. I have a little sympathy for him but not much. Miss Tina has never been the type of gal to cry over lost penis. He shoulda called me because I have a spell that will have a man on you like cheese on grits.

Here's what you do:

1. You get some of the man's hair.
2. Put it in a Dereon Prayer Cloth (available at Wal-Mart).
3. Put 3 drops of Armani Diamonds on it.
4. Hold it in your left hand.
5. Say "Love, sex, magic, act bad, talk dirty, look sexy, don't hurt me".
6. Say the man's name 3 times.
7. And then say "Get Me Bodied".

I guaran-fuckin-tee you that if you do that then you can pull any man you want.

Today I have come to you to talk about the BET Awards. First of all the rumors about Beyonce, LeToya, and the BET Awards are NOT true. Beyonce ain't gotta keep nobody off no damn award show. On stage she'll eat all of you bitches up, spit you out, and then have Ne-Yo write a song about it. Secondly, BET doesn't even have the number to the Checker's where LeToya works to get in touch with her to ask her to perform. Lastly, random ass broads just can't jump on award shows because they have an album coming out. These award show producers have a list of hot artists they would want to perform on their show based on who would give them the highest ratings. The list is in order of relevance.

Here's that list:

1. Beyonce
2. Beyonce
3. Beyonce
4. Beyonce
5. Beyonce

If Beyonce is sick you call Alicia Keys. If she's sick I guess you would have to call that Caribbean She-Beast. If she's sick or swollen then you would call Keri Hilson. If she's on vocal rest or something then you would call Ciara. If she pulled a groin muscle and can't make it then you call Ashanti. And so forth and so on. BET would have to scroll all the way down that list to get to LeToya Luckett's name and that's ONLY if Vesta, CeCe Peniston, and Cheryl "Pepsii" Reily are all sick or unable to catch a Greyhound to get to the BET Awards.

I'm tried of you delusional pressed ass stans of these minor-ass artists. If you had any appreciation of what real diva is we wouldn't have to go through this foolishness every year.

But I digress...

Today I'm I come with you with low spirits and high blood pressure. The producers over at BET just faxed me over the seating chart for the BET Awards, and I am pissed.

Take a look for yourself:

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First of all as you notice the Knowles will not be seated in the crowd with the common folk. We will be seated on stage in the area of the stage generally used to present awards. The only awards that will be presented on camera will be the ones that Beyonce is nominated for, the other awards will be given away in the parking lot before the show.

Also when Beyonce's name is announced she will not get up to accept the award. Keri Hilson is going to bring her trophy over to her and kiss her feet, and I dare her to say something about it. I'll bust her in the head. After this year, BET is also renaming the Best R&B Female Artist award the "Beyonce Giselle Knowles-Carter Award for Best R&B Female Artist" and the winner will get a statue of Beyonce bent over with her cheeks spread apart so that every time somebody wina they will have to kiss her ass.

My homegirls Diane and Anna Mae Diana and Tina will be in the house to give honor and glory to the name of Sasha Fierce. I'm trying to re-introduce Diana and Tina to black men. Ike sent Tina over to the other side and Diana ain't seen no parts of a black penis since the March on Washington, so I hooked them up with two of my ex's. (It's a recession so we have to recycle dick.)

Solange will be seated on the 2nd row with her son. I will be seated with my new fiancé and Beyonce's future stepdaddy Trey Songz. We've been dating off and on for about 6 months, and he is sweet, kind, and has a very strong back for such a narrow-assed boy.

Beyonce will be performing 4 times at the BET Awards. She's opening the show at 8:00, again at 9:00PM, 10:00PM and closing the show at 11:00PM. Matthew has negotiated one of his famous 2-for-1 deals to save Solange from having to park cars and escort people to their seats. He said he will convince Beyonce to perform if they let Solange perform. Beyonce and Solange will duet during the gospel segment of the show. The will sing a medley of gospel classics which will also serve as the perfect promotion for the new Dereon Choir Robes coming this Fall. I asked the people at BET to build a runway so that Beyonce and Solange can anoint people in the audience while doing the Naomi Campbell walk.

But while their eyes are on the sparrow, my hand will be on my pistol waiting for some shit to jump off. As you can see for reasons that I don't understand Jay will be sitting beside Rihanna. Beyonce told me not to worry since Rihanna is "family" but that broad ain't never brought a lick of potato salad to any of my family reunions. I really wish Jay would stay out of other people's domestic problems. I understand the need to play Captain Save-A-Hoe, but flying off to Hawaii and going to dinner with broads while your wife is out of the country just ain't right to me.

I need somebody to keep an eye on Jay while I'm backstage helping with the wardrobe. Alicia Keys volunteered to keep an eye on Jay and Rihanna but trusting Alicia Keys to keep an eye on your husband is like trusting a crackhead not to steal your purse and your DVD player.

I asked Chris Brown to reconcile with Rihanna so that she won't be on stage with us. Me and Chris Brown used to engage in sexual eruption a while ago. And if you think I won't get down with a 17/18 year old then somebody done told you wrong. I'll will go down to first lunch at Booker T. High School, George Washington High School, Chaka Khan High School, or whoever's high school and round up about 6 or 7 of them mofos. Ain't no shame 'cause I gotta get mine. I swing my hair and kick off my shoes. Come here boy let me work on you!

But, again, I digress.

Me and Chris have remained friends even though I snatched the cat back I took away the benefits. So I called him up and I said:

Me: Look Chris, you need to make up with Rihanna I don't like her hanging around Jay like this. Now I hate to sound like a paranoid Beyonce stan but this just don't look right. That's how chicks get pistol-whipped, running around with married menfolk.

Chris: But Tina, she broke my heart!

Me: NIGGA YOU BROKE HER NOSE!

Chris: But Tina!

Me: Stop all that whining and call her and make up. Y'all can sing "Fire and Desire" and everything will be fine.

We went back and forth for about an hour and still reached no resolution. I started to call Jay and talk to him about it but me and him are not on the best terms. Jay has been doing things over the last few months years that I don't agree with.

EXAMPLES:

1. Mentoring and marketing a girl to be in direct competition with your wife.

2. Granting an interview with a blog that regularly posts unconfirmed stories and outright lies about your wife.

3. Going on tour with a female who has been slinging shade at your wife.

He says this is "just business". But he is really starting to overcook my ham hocks. This year at the BET Awards Jay should just perform with an all-female band of Beyonce-hating btiches. KeKe Wyatt can sing lead since she sings better than every damn body. Miss Jones can sing back-up. Sandra Rose's monkey ass can be on drums, and when Natasha asks him why he associates with people who are disrespectful to his wife, he can say "It's just business".

Let's look at it another way. What if Beyonce toured with Jim Jones as her opening act? They are on the same record label. It would be "just business".

Right?

This isn't some junior high school bullshit where you have to hate somebody just because I hate them, but I was raised to believe to be good to those who are good to you. So therefore I don't understand why you would help promote people who try to degrade your wife and her business.

But that's just my opinion.

What do you think?


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