More E-Mails...

Dear Wig Crypt,

I have been a loyal reader of your blog for about 2 years. I am writing you because so seem smart and you know a couple of big words and you know how to read and stuff. Congratulations. The reason I am writing is because I am in a very bad situation and I need some advice. This weekend I was involved in what my lawyer calls "an unfortunate altercation" and my grandmother calls "simple-ass nigga shit" Me and my girlfriend got into an argument, and I kinda blacked out and I don't remember a lot of it but apparently I physically attacked her. Of course if I could I would take this back but I can't. I am wondering how Cranking That Ike Turner will affect my life? Is my career over? How will I get through this?

The reason I am asking you is because your blog and website centers around artists who have had their careers killed by Beyonce so I figure you would be the expert on dying careers. How do I get through this?

Please help.


Love Lockdown


Dear Love Lockdown,

I'm sure a lot of things are running through your mind.

Is my life ruined?

How do I get out of this mess?

Will I be sent to prison and forced to walk around a cell with my ass hanging out?

The truth is I really don't know. While most people may not be able to relate to this specific incident, most of us have been in situations where our character has been questioned and it's easy to pass judgement especially if we only know one side of the story.

No matter what hardships I am going through I have found that 3 things will help.

Here are those 3 things:

#1 Your Stans.

I have a Ph.D. in stanology and after studying Beyonce and Janet stans for the past 12 years I have found that stans will fight for you no matter how bad things get. They will write petitions, pay for your lawyers, and they will be at the courthouse at 7AM in the freezing cold, passing out hot coffee and grits. Never underestimate the devotion of your stans.

Even if there were HD-quality video of you doing the A-Town stomp on your girlfriend your stans will REFUSE to believe that it was you. There was video of somebody who looked a lot like R. Kelly taking a piss on somebody who looked a lot like a 12 year old, yet he was found not guilty on all charges and is free to roam junior high school parking lots.

Stans will argue for you even if you are dead ass wrong. If Beyonce were accused of shooting a bitch point blank in the face, her stans would say that the bitch shouldn't have been in the way.

Kind of extreme yes, but I think you get my point. Your stans think you're a saint. That can be annoying sometimes but you begin to appreciate it when the rest of the world think you're the devil.

#2. Music

Music will help you through. Sometimes when life stresses you out, getting lost in a good song is great therapy. So put your iPod on and just drift away, but please delete the following songs:

"Oops Upside Your Head" by the Gap Band
"Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas
"Love TKO" by Teddy Pendergrass.
"I'll Beat Yo' Ass" Crime Mob [1]
"Stomp" by Young Buck
"Slap" by Ludacris
"Attack Me With Your Love" by Cameo

#3 Yourself.

The most difficult thing in the world is to have a one negative moment define who you are for the rest of your life, but the sad reality is that there are thousands of men in prison in jail for life because of a couple of seconds of bad judgement.

People are going to call you all kinds of things and portray you as an angry woman-beating monster. To get through that you have to know yourself well enough to know that other people's labels shouldn't define who you are. On the flipside, you should also be man enough to step outside yourself and admit when you're wrong and realize whether or not you need to seek help.

Although I don't condone violence against women (especially women without a switchblade or razor to defend themselves) I understand that sometimes our tempers get the best of us and there is always another side to the story. People like things to be black and white, but more often than not our lives tend fall into gray areas.

Is your career over?


Well, to clarify it's not over in the sense that you'll have to move back to your hometown and work at Target, but you may have to start over. I don't want your career to be over, because for me to want your career to be over means that I want you to lost your job, and I wouldn't wish that on anybody during this recession and if everybody's jobs were based on mistakes they made in their personal lives there would be a lot of unemployed mofos in the street right.

Starting over may be hard, but it'll make you more humble and more appreciative since now you know you can lose it quickly. It may take some time, but you can look at it as a blessing. Everybody deserves a 2nd chance, but not everyone gets one.

[1](The 2nd Crime Mob reference today)


Anonymous said...

i am first !!!

i can read now !

Anonymous said...

Jesus has been good to us today...
TWO whole posts in one day...

The Creole gods are at work....


Bajegirl said...

Good advice. Brother man needs to stop drinking that Mike Tyson Koolaid and puffing from the Ike Turner bong.

Anonymous said...

from HOB SITE,1 month ago for the post BEYONCE IN VACATION:

As a body language expert these pictures are faked.I observed some other pictures of beyonce and jay z on vacation there seems to be no conversation between these two whilst on holidays , jay z makes beyonce walk behind him,compared to chris brown and rhianna when on vacation ,they seem to converse look happy, rhianna walks in front of chris which is a sign he is repsectful of women but this is only my opinion.

1/1/09 1:40 PM
Thats the best acting iv ever seen oscarworthy if only beyonce acted like that in her ALL movies,my bad she does act like that in her movies, this was your last year to shine betakyi your gonna be 38 sorry 28 next year ,are you still be shaking that cellulite flat ass i hope not one wants see it, fishnets tights are not going to help you either its all about rhirhi if not chris brown american award winner of the year where he goes ri goes if they are still together, i would stay with him just to anyway rhianna already voted at top ten beauty for 2009 you may not of made it on billboard list but they didnt mention you this time either.----------

melissa said...

poor chris brown....

Anonymous said...

I am going to marry you.
I'm glad you're back.

Anonymous said...

r. I don't want your career to be over, because for me to want your career to be over means that I want you to lost your job, and I wouldn't wish that on anybody during this recession and if everybody's jobs were based on mistakes they made in their personal lives there would be a lot of unemployed mofos in the street right.


Jaz said...

im not worried about christ brown. he will probably just get a movie or documentary deal out of all this drama just like t.i. did when he got arrested.

i really dont think anyone cares if celebrities make "real people" mistakes.
unless its beyonce doing it. then she's the devil.

h.c said...

that was really deep, I really feel bad for chris! I still can't beleive it! I think there is two sides to a story & we only heard one, so i'm gonna wait & see what chris has to say bc the situation is not very clear right now! thank you beyonceitis for the post!!

Lil' Creole Pimp said...

I'm mad as hell. You got your motherfucking wish... People starting to comment on your shit non-anonymous... Meanwhile, I got two site hits today... And one was by me and the other was by some nigga named Quick...

Is my ruined? I think I need to email you.

Ghanaian Geisha said...

rhianna told chris to shut up and drive, then he took her down and she called for SOS to report disturbia, chris tried to run it and now shes in rehab =(

lildrummerboi said...

lol @ Lil Creole Pimp.

I stop in every now and then to see whats poppin ur way but u and Mr. Beyonceitis running a race to see who can post the least in a fiscal year...I cannot!

Anonymous said...

@ 5:48 you forgot the "beat with her umbrella",and "breakin dishes" and finally is in an "emergency room"

soulwriter said...

(*dead @ forbidden song list*)

Here's some worthy replacements...

"How Can You Hurt The One You Love," Cheryl 'Pepsii' Riley (real old school)

"A Thin Line Between Love and Hate," The Persuaders

"When A Woman's Fed Up," R. Kelly

"Be Careful," Sparkle & R. Kelly

"It's Over," John Legend

Good Luck, Godspeed and remember: R. Kelly rebounded, so can you. :o)

Anonymous said...

lol Soulwriter

'Unfaithful," Rihanna

Anonymous said...

LMFAO poor chris.

Anonymous said...

congrats on keeping crime mob relevant for a day.
::golf clapping for crime mob::

WYGBA said...

The list of songs that need to be deleted from the IPod??? PRICELESS!!

Anonymous said...


Dear Beyonceitis,
What can i do if a man who can be my father wants to Kill me,my career....when it's already over with my female fans?
i know i did wrong,but i am scared of everything right now.i can call,talk,write any songs anymore or go on blogs to read reactions about me.i used to love the girl,his girl or his mistress,or All Def jam mistress.I mean her Band''s slut,but she gave me herpes. How do I get through this?

Please help.


Love LockdownMistress

MJ: Christopher Robyn (2008-2009) said...

Another song to add to the list

Hit Me Baby One More Time - Britney Spears

sashagirlwho said...

I can imagine him writing this all distressfully, sweating like a runaway slave. poor thing. poor rih rih. sad situation all around.

actually, this was kinda sweet--and very funny as usual.


Anonymous said...

i'm afraid to analyze what this says about me as a woman, but i really feel sorry for chris too. he had such a bright future.

P.S LMAO @ Hit me baby one more time..too mean but can't help LMAO

Anonymous said...

i feel bad for ri gettin hit but she shouldn't have given chris, the real potential mega superstar, herpes!i know a man shouldn't hit a female but i would be upset too.who would wanna cheat on ol chris breezy?sorry ri .now everyone will feel sorry for her which will make up for her pathetic voice on top of her FAKE wannabe rockstar style and her"fashion show"concerts.everyone,im not hatin b/c i have nothin to hate on and again sorry ri.she know wat she was doin when she gave him herpes though...

Anonymous said...

Hit me With Your Best Shot! Pat Benatar

Anonymous said...

@ 8:32

don't think riri is gonna get trough this without damages, no! i don't think so! soon we gonna know the real reason why the fight happened in the first place & this is gonna expose her bc I know that even if chris goes to jail he's not gonna go until he gets his revenge so just wait & see! I know that bitch is scared right now bc we gonna know the true about her! the real drama is yet to come!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

so good,DEAD :-D

Wig Crypt Creeper said...

Okay...TWO posts in one day? Say what?! It took me this long to compose myself to even make a coherent comment!

Okay: thank you for crediting that child...who seriously thinks someone is trying to take credit for her video...because you obviously reposted it on Youtube on your channel. And it's not like you got her video extra hits. I mean: you have some nerve!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand the main post: I can't stand you. But I think I love you. The e-mail was funny...the stan part (especially "the bitch shouldn't have been in the way") was hilarious but when you listed those songs I was done. I seriously stopped reading. *dead. dead dead dead!* especially since Cameo has a Lamborghini in that video! By the way, I'm looking on iTunes for those songs...I'd forgotten how much I liked them.

Also: these comments have me rollin' as well! All the added songs are horrible!

And last (I know this is NOT a dissertation) I ordered a dress from and immediately thought of this site when I saw "Get Solange's CD with any $75 purchase for 99 cents!" L...M...A...O! And then when the dress came she's on the damn tag with a reminder on the back to get her CD. And I thought people were trying to hustle Ms. Kelly!

Anonymous said...

Who else is tired of sympathy awards given to undeserving bitches ?

lildrummerboi said...


Uma hold my peace!

Anonymous said...

ME ,i am tired too !!!

n0days0ff said...

Even if there's a. Video of you doing thew a town stomp on your girlfriend


Someone that looked like r kelly pissing on someone that looked like a 12 year old


Anonymous said...

did you see our girl performing halo! she killed it!! damn I wan't chris to come out with his side of the story aleardy!! I can't wait to see what he's gonna say about Riri!

Anonymous said...

lol this is hilarious

Anonymous said...

Who else is tired of sympathy awards given to undeserving bitches ?
Sure,it get on my nerve right now.they got to stop's really annoying !!!

i wonder why bee show up to this stupid awards show.Of coruse,she had 6 nod,some MTF
BEE IS THE QUEEN,all her perf are A-M-A-Z-I-N-G !!!

Anonymous said...

I am going to say this and I am done. No One has seen any pictures of Rhianna so no one knows if he really hit her or not. If she ws that beat up why hasn’t he been charged with that. If she was really beat up like they say with contutions a busted lip and black eyes than his bail would have been more than $50,000 or he wouldn’t have had bail at all. he has only been charged with making threats. If thats the case they need to arrest Jay- Z if he really said chris was a dead man walking. The picture that was circulating online of her was a fake. She does not really look like that. all these different stories that are going around and yet ya’ll dumb asses are still jumping on the bandwagon. that story about the “severe injuries” is a crock of bullshit. it has changed to many times. So until Chris or Rhianna make a statement or someone sees a picture of her than everyone needs to stop trying to crucifing this boy and making rhianna look like Princess Diana. I said it once and I will say it again something in the milk ain’t clean and the truth will come out.

Justin C. said...

This whole situation makes feel for both of them. In all seriousness, yes homeboy was in the wrong. But I can see how something small can spiral out of control in the span of a couple of minutes, a couple of minutes that they both at this point would probably want to take back. Being in a relationship is hard, and when I got into an argument with my ex-girl I usually left the room and went for a walk. He didn't have that chance. However, this was not his first time and although he came from an abusive home, he should have channeled the rage in a different way (maybe grow his hair, rap in autotune, design clothes a la Kanye). He got into his moms' face before, and from there should have been guided into seeking private help.

I am also not saying that Rihanna is innocent either. She probably was fighting him while he was driving, therefore causing him to pull over to the side of the road, leading up to the chaos that is this drama. However, when I see women on blogs calling her a bitch, herpes infested whore, when 99 percent of them probably never ever seen her live in concert or in some other venue makes me feel pissed. She will probably have trust issues for the rest of her life, and her heart is probably scarred, making any other man that comes after Chris work that much harder to create a safe trusting environment.

That being said, they should not have been playing house in the first place. Living together, staying in hotel rooms together when you are 19-20 is not good, no matter how mature you think you are. Simply put, they were moving too far, too fast.

As regular people, we will probably never hear the true story. That's fine. Just as from young man to another, Chris keep your head up but work on your personal issues and make sure this shit never happens again. Rihanna, know that every man is not bad and when someone shows you there ugly side, that's who they really are.

PS....this blog is funny as hell. Keep it Up!

Anonymous said...



Anonymous said...

bitches been saying she wouldn't last since 'No No No' ... 12 years later , Sasha is still #1 ! just get over it & move on .. i mean , you can stil fight for the #2 & #3 spots ...

Anonymous said...

i guess they were both Dangerously In Love

Urban Legend said...

I love the new post! You need to start doing post on youtube. Lol!