Super Bowl Sunday, 2049.
Beyonce is a worldwide entertainment legend.
From 2009-2013 she embarks on the I Am...Sasha Fierce Tour (sponsored by L'Oreal, Samsung, Oscar Mayer, Toyota, and the new Dereon Pregnancy Test)
Although it becomes the highest grossing tour in history, when the tour is over she leaves music and focuses her attention on acting.
In 2014 she wins an Oscar playing herself in the film:
"Coward-Ass Bitches: The Life and Times of Destiny's Child".
In 2019 she wins a Pulitzer Prize for her autobiography,"Hating-Ass Internet Bitches: The Autobiography of Miss Beyonce Knowles"
In 2022 she wins a Tony Award for a Broadway musical based on her life struggles entitled
"Fat-Ass Blogger Bitches: The Trials and Tribulations of Beyonce Knowles (music and lyrics by Lil' Boosie)"
In between acting projects she has a very full personal life. She leaves Jay-Z and then they got back together. They have 4 kids: Allegra Carter, Levitra Carter, Cialas Carter, and Viagra Carter. One child for each of Jay's pills.
In 2025 She leaves him again and she and Justin Timberlake get married and the two have a 3-year residency at Ceasar's Palace in Las Vegas along with their interracial family band.
In 2029 She leaves Justin and gets back with Jay-Z. Then leaves Jay-Z again.
In 2031 Beyonce goes through an "experimental" phase with Alicia Keys which doesn't quite work out.
In 2033 Beyonce then gets back together with Jay-Z and in 2037 Beyonce is arrested for pistol-whipping him in a iHop parking lot in Houston,TX. Beyonce claims Jay winked at a waitress. Jay says it was a facial spasm and he appears on the cover of Essence magazine to tell his side of the story.
Beyonce and Jay reconcile and get back together in 2038.
After years of success in acting Beyonce decides, at the age of 68, that it's time to get back into music. She's gonna show these young bitches who the real queen is. So Matthew Knowles Jr. (her new manager and long-lost half-brother) gets her a gig performing at the Super Bowl Halftime show with singing sensation Chris Brown Jr.
A lot is riding on this performance. Most of her old competition have found it hard to maintain success. Rihanna is now a judge on American Idol. Ciara is a background dancer for Baby Daniel's world tour. And Britney Spears is still performing, but her managers have found that instead of making her perform on stage it's a lot easier to put a blond wig on a laptop computer and play her music on iTunes for 2 hours. It has the same of effect of an actual Britney Spears performance and her fans, unsurprisingly, are willing to pay $300 to stare at laptop with a blond wig for 2 hours.
The music industry has changed in the 40 years since Beyonce was the "hottest chick in the game" , This is Beyonce's chance to prove that after 50 years in the game she is still relevant. So Super Bowl Sunday comes. She takes the stage during halftime, and at the end her performance, Chris Brown Jr. rips off Beyonce's House of Dereon zebra-skin jumpsuit exposing her naked 68-year-old body to the world.
You can see her public hairs.
(Bernie Mac ©1998)
It's not easy being an icon in the music industry.
There's always a conflict between the artist you are and the artist you used to be.
People agree that you are an icon, but no one wants to buy your new music.
It's too pop for your R&B fans
Too urban for your pop fans
It's too young.
It won't fit.
You're trying too hard.
You're not trying hard enough.
You don't sing the same.
You've lost your voice.
You don't dance the same.
Your new music doesn't come close to living up to any of your "classic" material.
You are trying to remain relevant in 2009, but to do so you have to constantly remind people of shit you did 20 years ago.
You are competing with artists who weren't even alive when you were in your prime.
You have to attract a new generation of listeners without neglecting the fans who made you famous.
You fight hard to avoid the painful realization that your milkshake just doesn't bring them to the yard like it used to.
You're trying to avoid the fact that the party may be over.
In the music industry it's hard enough to remain relevant for 2 years, let alone 20 years, but the only thing worse than a diva past her prime is a diva who doesn't know she's past her prime.
And the only thing worse than a diva who doesn't know she past her prime are fans who won't accept the fact that their favorite diva is past her prime.
Of course no one around you is going to tell you that you suck, that your voice is gone, that your dance moves are slower, that you've gained weight, or your new music sucks ass, especially if there is still money to be made off of you.
So how do you know when it's time to pack it up?
Fame is a cruel, evil, unfaithful whore. You're are only an exposed nipple, a shaved head, or a cocaine habit away for losing a lifetime's worth of hard work. You can wake up tomorrow and realize that you've been replaced by artists half your age, with half your talent.
When most "legends" release new material or mount a new tour they say it's because they love what they do.
But that's bullshit.
The REAL reason legends stage comebacks is to show the young girls who the original divas were.
Sometimes it works. And Sometimes it doesn't.
But that's the risk you take when you jeopardize your status as an icon trying to do what the young girls do.
As Beyonce continues her quest for legend status I'm sure she is learning from the successes and mistakes of the artists she admires and is learning how to age gracefully both as a person and artist. She's managed to squeeze in a lifetime's worth of iconic accomplishments and performances within a span of 6 years, but I still think her best work is yet to come.
Beyonce's idol, Tina Turner seems to have the right idea about aging with class. Last year she went on Oprah and said, "Look bitch. I'm going on tour. I don't want to work Pharrell, I don't need a new album, I don't want to go on 106 and Park, I don't want to work with the Dream, and I don't need a hook for this shit. I'm going on tour. I'm charging $150 a ticket, and you motherfuckers better be there."
And she sold out every tour date and got great reviews with her dignity, reputation,(and her clothes) still in tact. She was aware of her age yet aware that she was still a great performer who was still relevant.
I guess she realized that at a certain point in your life and musical career no producer, no video, or marketing gimmick is going to make you 27 again, and sometimes the best you can do is focus on the people who appreciate you rather than degrade yourself by trying to appeal to youngsters who are going to think that you are old and played out anyway.
Maybe we should be a little more respectful of our musical veterans and icons because they are the ones who influenced our favorite artists. And it must be hard to wake up one day to see a totally different industry than the one you came up in. It must be even more difficult to try to figure out how you can fit into this new industry, or if you can even fit in at all.