Bitter Stan: Why she have that white woman hair in her head. She so fake.
Bitter Stan: She stole that ponytail from Janet. Janet invented ponytails. She's a legend. Beyonce is a swaggerjacker.
Beyonce Stan: BITCH! Beyonce can wear whatever she want on her head. She got 10 Grammys!
Bitter Stan: She stole that! She's always stealing shit.
Beyonce Stan: BITCH! Beyonce ain't gotta steal shit! She got 10 Grammys!
Bitter Stan: She need to stop eating all that Popeyes. Her hips are spreading like rumors.
Beyonce Stan: BITCH! Beyonce can eat all the chicken she wants. She got 10 Grammys!
Bitter Stan: She stole chicken from Janet. Janet invented chicken. Jimmy Jam just added hot sauce, but Janet invented chicken and she never gets the credit she deserves. She's a legend. Beyonce is a swaggerjacker.
Bitter Stan: Beyonce is so overrated.
Beyonce Stan: BITCH! Yo Mama's dick-sucking skills are overrated you baldheaded ho. Beyonce ain't overrated! She got 10 Grammys!
Bitter Stan: Janet invented dick-sucking. That's why she sings about it all the time. She invented it in Minneapolis in 1985. She's a legend. Beyonce is a swaggerjacker.
Allow me to re-introduce myself.
The name of this site is Beyonceitis.
Beyonceitis was founded on 3 basic concepts:
1. Beyonce is more underrated than overrated.
2. Not all gay men love Beyonce. Only attractive gay men love Beyonce. Unattractive gay men prefer other artists.
3. Hating on Beyonce won't make your favorite artist anymore relevant.
Around these concepts I made a web site and a blog, both highly satirical, but rooted in truth. No matter how deep in denial you are, whether it's mild Ciara-stan denial or severe Janet-stan denial, you can't deny that after June 24, 2003 the game changed and Beyonce made it very difficult to have a vagina in pop/R&B music.
Some girls survived.
A lot of them didn't.
So I made a site to document this period. I called it "Beyonceitis". I'm assuming that it must be true otherwise the name of this site would be Cassieitis. Since the site started in 2007 Beyonceitis has spread and grown more deadly. Despite the hate and opposition Beyonce's career as only grown in the last 2 years. I realized that Beyonceitis had fully taken over when Beyonce turned the inauguaration into the I Am... Sasha Fierce tour. I said to myself : "Sasha Fierce doesn't play fair. It's really a shame how she whoops these girls asses. She has SLAUGHTERED the game."
I've never seen anything like it, and neither have you. So I felt the need to document it with this blog.
I've never received one red cent from this site. Not even a Dereon gift certificate, a METRO card, a WIC coupon, or nothing. Perhaps that makes me a devoted stan Sasha Fierce Support Representative, perhaps it makes me a bad businessman. I keep it pretty loose around here. I don't delete comments or disable comments. If I get to say what I want to say you should say what you want to say (except free advertising). I do this for free without a lot of complaining, however, I come to you today because ladies and genetlemen "ladies" I am tired.
I am tired of the arguing between stans. I'm tired of us searching Google, Billboard, and Wikipedia for albums sales, concert sales, #1 singles and things trying to "shut each other down".
And before you even think it, let me state facts:
I DON'T hate on an artists.
Hate is saying something like "Beyonce's (expletive word for female genitalia) smells like a 3rd world country" as somebody wrote in the comment section last week (SIDEBAR: Anonymous posting is for pussies).
Hate is when you make a general negative statement rooted in nothing but ignorance and your own disdain.
Everything I say (that's not obvious fiction) can be backed up factual evidence.
Yes, I understand that some Beyonce stans go to YouTube pages to start shit also. Those stans do not represent the views and opinions of the rest of us. If you have learned anything from this blog it's that it is possible to support an artist WITHOUT having your head so deep up their anuses that you can't see the reality of certain things.
This is why I don't do "nice" posts about other artists. You always take it the wrong way. I was NOT dissing Ciara. I like Ciara. I just hate to see her opening for other artists and pushing back albums at this stage of her career. I mean, I give constructive criticism to Beyonce, and I love her more than I love porn, hot wings and top-shelf liquor. What makes you think I won't give constructive criticism to other artists? It doesn't make me less of a fan of Ciara, just less of a hypocrite.
But today is a new day. I would like to create an understanding between stans of other artists, so I would like to introduce the Beyonceitis Stan Peace Agreement. This agreement is designed to reduce the arguing, bickering, and general ignorance that has over taken comment sections all around the internet. It's ok to have an opinion, crack jokes, or even disklike an aritst, but I feel that given the chance, some of you would stab a bitch over your favorite artist, and it's really not that deep. I wouldn't stab nobody over Sasha Fierce. I might let some air out of your tires, or send a computer virus or something, but stabbing... no.
Anyway... here's the agreement:
CONDITIONS AND TERMS OF THE BEYONCEITIS PEACE AGREEMENT
BEYONCEITIS VICTIMS CLAUSES
Section A. - Ashanti
Beyonce stans shall refrain from calling Ashanti "Ashitty" "Sideburns McGee" "Magilla Gorilla" "Flopshanti", or any derogatory name. We will not bring up how she sucked the color off Irv Gotti's pecker to get a record deal because you have no video or photographic proof of that. You will admit that you thought her 1st album was the shit, and you also liked her other albums even if you only downloaded them.
She had the biggest opening week sales for a R&B female artist and in the same week she became the first female performer to simultaneously hold the top two places on the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart. She must've done something right before Beyonceitis paralyzed her.
You are not obligated to purchase a concert ticket to see Ashanti, as most Bingo casinos have an age limit.
In return we ask that Ashanti stans be quiet and be grateful that she wasn't a featured contestant on "For the Love of Ray-J."
Section B. - Brandy and Monica
Beyonce stans shall refrain from bringing up Brandy's "spiritual union" or her string of flop albums. They were all great artistic achievements.
You will not say anything bad about Monica. Don't nobody better say nothing bad about Monica! Monica ain't neva done nothing to nobody! You know you like Monica. In your imagination Beyonce and Monica are best friends, and Beyonce is the godmother of Monica's children, and Monica does Beyonce's hair, usually with a ponytail on the right side, kinky twists on the left, a swoop bang in the front, and her name cornrowed in the back. And they go to clubs, outlet malls, and Waffle Houses together with Keyshia Cole and they all keep small handguns boxcutters in their purse in case shit jumps off.
I still would not buy a concert ticket to see Brandy because she only tours Six Flags parks now, and the Six Flags closest to me gets quite "niggaish" in the summertime, and I will NOT be ducking and dodging bullets just to see the Moesha Experience.
In return we ask that Brandy stans be quiet and be grateful that she's not in prison fighting Big Sally for her virginity.
SECTION C - Janet Jackson
Beyonce stans shall refrain from referring to Janet Jackson as "Tranet" "Floppita Jo" "Janet Jackass" or any other derogatory name. That lady is an icon. A legend. She paved the way for all of these tone-deaf broads to pop their poons on stage, and she STILL looks good.
You will not bring up her string of failed albums or the Super Bowl incident unless it's a severe stan emergency. You will not bring up her canceling her tour due to low ticket sales, vertigo, severe vaginal itch, or the bad economy. Stop rubbing salt on an open wound. That lady is an icon. A legend. Show some muddafuckin' respect.
In return we ask Janet stans to just... go away.
SECTION D - Christina Aguilera
Although you are not required to be a fan of the vocal masturbation that Christina Aguilera calls singing, you shall respect the unique and creative creature that is Christina Aguilera. Even if else nobody cares.
In return we ask Xtina fans to go stick themselves.
SECTION E - Mya
You shall tip her at least 20% when your bill comes at Ruby Tuesdays. I know it's a recession, but it's hard out there for minimum wage workers.
SECTION F -Kelly Rowland
Beyonce stans shall refrain from making jokes about 'Miss Kelly'. Like saying that they're on sale for 19 cents at K-Mart. Or that they give it away free with McChickens at McDonalds. "Miss Kelly" was an excellent and underrated album, and Kelly Rowland a unique talent, who... I'm sorry I can't...
SECTION G . Amerie
(Please see Mya)
SECTION H. - Ciara
Beyonce stans will not call her "Cecil", "Cialis", or any name which insinuates that she has male genitals. That is a woman. She was born a woman. The End.
You liked her first and 2nd albums, you two used to be homegirls until you started ackin' funny and hanging out with Beyonce, now you act like you don't know nobody. Her number is still the same. Why don't you call her. She'd love to hear from you.
In return we ask that Ciara stans be quiet and be grateful that she hasn't been dropped from her label due to "creative differences".
SECTION I . Britney Spears
Beyonce stans will respect the power of Britney Spears. Just a year ago people were writing her obituary, now she's selling out concerts. This lady deserves handclaps and fingersnaps. So please snap in a circle, a triangle, or rectangle for Miss Spears 3 times.
In return we ask that Britney Spears stans be quiet and be grateful, that she's still around, even if she doesn't know where she is half the time.
SECTION J. Rihanna
Beyonce stans shall admit the fact that Rihanna gave Beyonce hell for a brief period from late 2007 to mid-2008, and for that deserves at least a token amount of your respect.
You must admit that style-wise Rihanna slays 90% of these broads even if vocally she sounds like a goat being molested.
You will admit that "Good Girl, Gone Bad" will probably go down as one of the best albums of this decade.
You will not dwell on the events of February 8, 2009, or use it as a comeback in arguments against Rihanna stans.
You will not say that you will "Chris Brown a bitch." Or give somebody a "Chris Brown Combo". That is not acceptable language and Beyonce would not condone it. She would laugh about it with Angie and Solange in her dressing room, but she wouldn't want you to say it publicly on a message board. Her mama taught her better than that.
You are still not required to pay to see Rihanna in concert. $100 is too much money for a high-tech fashion show. The damn Ebony Fashion Fair costs $25 and that includes a FREE subscription to Jet.
(SIDEBAR:1989 Jet Magazine with Cast of 'A Different World' of the Cover > Rihanna Concert)
In return we ask that Rihanna stans just be quiet.
SECTION K - Beyonce
Beyonce stans shall realize that the world was not created on September 4, 1981.
You shall stop being general jackasses. Stop being so easily baited into arguments.
Stop trolling around YouTube starting fights with people.
You shall realize that if you visit the blog of somebody you know hates on Beyonce just to defend Beyonce you are still putting money in their pockets.
You shall realize that petitions are for pussies. Nobody cares what you think.
You shall realize that it's ok NOT to like everything Beyonce does. You won't get your stan card revoked.
You shall realize that there's nothing I can say or you can say to totally "shut down" a hater. The only person who can truly shut down a Beyonce hater is Beyonce, and she's been doing that everyday for the past 10 damn years.
SECTION L. Provisions for ALL stans.
1. You shall not sign up on a message board to promote other artists. All it does is piss off the other members, and make you look desperate.
2. You shall admit that Beyonce is better than everybody at everything including but not limited to singing, dancing, acting, video games, drawing, hot dog eating contests, martial arts, forensic science, hunting, fishing, mud wrestling, basketball, boxing, horseback riding, fencing, hockey, dodgeball, and putting up sheetrock. Plus, she has a paralegal degree, a real estate license, she can type 75 words a minute, and she can roll a blunt and glue on a lacefront wig at the same damn time.
3. We shall all try to relax and have a sense of humor. It's just entertainment.
We enter into this agreement on the ____________________ day of ____________________ of the year ___________.
I want to foster a more cooperative spirit among stans. I want us to take it back to the 90's when there was a bunch of chicks running things versus having one chick run everything and a bunch of hating internet bitches mad at her. So I need a stan representative for each relevant or relevantly irrelevant female artist to sign this and fax or mail this agreement to Wig Crypt Headquarters.
Wig Crypt International Headquarters
If this is not signed by a representative from each of the above artists within five (5) days, and if I don't see a decrease in YouTube, blog, and board arguing then the agreement is null and void and I will go back to being spiteful and mean towards the