I've just received word from YouTube, that Beyonce, is NOT in fact God.
So all those tithes and offerings you made in the name of Sasha Fierce went to Matthew's child support.
And when you caught the spirit at the Beyonce Experience you were actually having a small stroke.
I'm sorry to be the one to tell you.
Hopefully there's a support group that you can join where you can pick up the pieces and move on with your life.
If it smells like tang and titty sweat today it's because we have more plus-sized YouTube queenery.
But first, let me start by saying that I have a love/hate with YouTube. On a serious and personal note I grew up watching anything and everything that had anything to do with music and I would record any concert, award show, tv show or whatever, and about 5 years ago I lost all of my belongings including my large music and video collection, and because of YouTube I get to watch videos that I thought I would never see again. So it gives me the chance to discover and re-discover great music. YouTube fuckery has gotten me through many a dark day, and most importantly without YouTube, I don't know how else I would have discovered this woman. She is the air that I breathe, the highlight of my life, and I feel that she is the highlight of yours too.
On the other hand, there's a part of YouTube that makes my ass itch. I am all for self-expression and freedom of speech. Although I snap for the kids part-time I can't sit through a lot of the lisping, hissing, and spraying that fills most tangy YouTube videos. I like that we live in a world where even the most ignorant and homely-looking individuals can have wide platform to express their opinions live and direct from their dorm room/grandma's living room, but I wish people's opinions had some kind of basis in fact as opposed to insecurity and bias.
In today's video, Juicy goes on a 10 minute monologue about how Beyonce ain't no diva. He says Alicia Keys is a diva, Janet Jackson is a diva, and Mary J. Blige is a diva, but for some reason Sasha Fierce just doesn't make him moist.
The basis of this video is around the concept that there's something about Beyonce that is arrogant, aloof, and bitchy. We've been talking about this since Matthew sent LeToya and LaTavia back to the Jack in the Box drive-thru window, but I guess it's still relevant in 2009.
It bothers me that people will sit down and make a 10 minute video before they do 3 mintues of research which prevents them from looking stupid, and the facts that are in this video are wrong at best. Keri Hilson has NEVER written a song that has appeared on a Beyonce album. And I need a link to where Kanye West says he doesn't care about his fans. If I recall correctly he says sometimes he wishes he didn't have as many fans because he feels limited creatively, but we discussed that in the "commerical" versus "artistic" thesis paper.
The truth is that 99% of us will never hang out with Beyonce or get to know her for who she TRULY is. We can only assume. Beyonce may be the sweetest person in the world. Beyonce may eat puppies and punch small children. No one truly knows. All I know to be true is that tramp entertains me. Period. And I said it before and I'll say it again, I am not paying you to be my friend. I am not paying for your comeback story, I'm not paying for your personality, or because I feel sorry for you. I am paying you to entertain me, so put that wig on and shake an asscheek.
I know we like to pretend like we know everything about people on TV, but if we have learned anything this year is to not assume that we know anything about anyone. Just take these people as entertainers and you won't set your self up for disappointment.
I have never understood when a person says I don't like (insert name) If you don't like their music that's fine. But until you spend extended amount of your time with them you will never know them, so any opinion you may have is based on your on insecurity about who you are.
And Beyonce isn't the only artist with crazy stans. But people like point and pick at Beyonce's stans to make it seem like she's only successful in the minds of a bunch of crazy people, but in reality she wouldn't be who she is if people aside from hardcore stans didn't care about her.
Regardless of that foolishness, in honor of Miss Diva Bacon Deluxe's YouTube's masterpiece I will be giving away free tickets to the I Am...Sasha Fierce Tour (sponsored by Hamburger Helper and Summer's Eve Feminine Wipes)
In order to win the tickets you have to find ALL of the items on this list:
1. You must find me a picture of Beyonce with a female with at least 3 more Grammys than she does.
2. You must find me a video of a Destiny's Child performance where Michelle is in the middle for at least 2 minutes.
3. You must find me a picture of Julez giving Beyonce a side-eye.
4. You must find me a picture of Cousin Angie in a shade of lipstick besides Freakum Red.
5. You must find me a picture or video of an attractive person hating on Beyonce.
6. You must find me a picture of a popular NBA or NFL player with a brown-skinned or dark skinned girlfriend or wife (I'm yellow and it even bothers me sometimes)
7. You must find me a video of an Ashanti performance where she does NOT pat her weave.
8. You must find me a picture of Beyonce wearing horiztontal stripes.
9. You must do a screencap of a message board or YouTube post where a Beyonce stan says something nice about Rihanna.
10. I need a video of Britney Spears singing and dancing live at the same time... in heels at least 5 inch high.
 TERMS AND CONDITIONS - I am not actually giving tickets to see Beyonce. Get the fuck outta here. I just have nothing else to do with my time. I plan to see her when she comes up here but she got me all fucked up if she think Imma pay $1000 to take her a picture with her trick-ass. For $1000 she better sing every song from I Am...Sasha Fierce, B-Day, and do a one-woman show of the Dreamgirls movie, then we're going to take a long walk around the park after dark, and cook me dinner. Then let my mama go wig shopping with her mama, give my sister microbraids, give my brother a lapdance, and give me 45 minutes unsupervised on her back-up dancers' tour bus.