A Fork and a Flashlight

Dear Beyonce,

I wanted to wish you a Happy early Birthday. I know you will probably be busy spending it at a fancy restaurant, or on an island, or under your husband so I'd like to give you your presents early:





It's a fork and a flashlight.

You may not understand why you need these things, but it will all be clear after you read this.

I heard that you are performing at the MTV VIdeo Music Awards. I am both excited and worried about this announcement.

I remember your first major solo award show performance at the 2003 BET Awards.

Even before you sang a single note, or wiggled a single bootybuttcheek Mo'nique introduced you as one of the greatest female entertainers of your time. In less than 5 minutes you made it very hard to be a female in the entertainment industry. Lives were lost. Ponytails were snatched. Careers were ruined. Ashanti went from artist of the year at BET to employee of the month at Dunkin' Donuts.

After the BET performance there was a long line of memorable performances.

You being lowered down like a Creole piƱata at the VMAs.



You and your clones at the Billboard Awards.



You and your army of homothugs doing your Dereon mating dance in a ring of fire at the Radio Music Awards.




Your mash-up with Andre 3000 at the Brit Awards.



Your performance with Prince at the Grammys, even after him and Tina got into it backstage over some eyeliner and her purple freakum heels. = Classic.

And your 2006 BET Awards "Deja Vu" Performance?

Photobucket

From 2003-2006, on award shows stages around the world you served hot Cajun Catfish with a side of cole slaw. And all the children wanted a piece.

However, since that time something has changed with your award show performances.

It's not that you've become sloppy like certain performers. Overall you've become a better version of yourself. You've become a more restrained singer and a much more graceful dancer, so the quality of your performances definitely hasn't decreased. The problem in regards to your award show performances is not that you've become a lazier performer but a better businesswoman. You decided to save your best ideas and performances for your tours rather than give them away for free at award shows.

I guess your thinking was if people wanted to see you at your best they would have to buy a concert ticket, or at least buy the DVD.

The problem with that is that even with your recession seats, for some of your fans it may not be financially or logistically possible to see you live in concert. And although concert DVDs are supposed to capture the best of you on tour I'm sure a lot of other fans would agree that vocally and lacefrontally, the Atlanta show was not the best show on the Destiny Fulfilled tour, and the Los Angeles show was damn sure not the best show on the Beyonce Experience tour.

So there are people around the world who still need to be reminded of who you are and what kind of damage and destruction you are capable of.

I was told that you would be performing "Sweet Dreams". If you are planning to come out dressed like the tooth fairy and do a slowed down MTV Unplugged type thing I would prefer you just stay home, watch it on TV, and let Kelly grease your scalp.

Now, more than ever, it is important that you deliver a jaw-dropping performance. There are some people online who are going around using words they don't know the meaning of. Words like:

"slay"
"epic"
"icon"
"diva"
"queen"
"legend"
"singer"
"live vocals"
"female"

There are people who think someone "slays" a performance just by showing up and not passing out.

There are people who think backbends and splits make an "epic" performance.

There are people who have become music "icons" just by being photographed, turning the sidewalk into a catwalk and hanging out with other people's husbands.

That's why on September 13th I need you to eat this performance like a Popeye's 3 piece. (That's what the fork is for)

I need you do lay down a the type of performance that you did back when you had something to prove.

I want chicks to buy super glue to protect their hairpieces from the wig-snatching that you will bring in New York City that night.

I want even your the your biggest, most bald-headed, most menopausal blackvoices.com hater to be like "Did you see what the fuck Beyonce did last night?

But wait there's more.

You're probably wondering what the flashlight is for.

Because the VMAs are a MTV production there's going to be so much shade in that building that you're going to need an alternate light source to see all those two-faced bitches. For the past year or so MTV has been throwing large amounts of shade, salt, and grease towards you. It is evident in everything they've written (and haven't written).

In March I made a post about your tour and Britney's tour and how I thought MTV would treat you two. It pretty much said that you would work yourself into exhaustion on stage for over 2 hours and get nothing but shade and all Britney would have to do is show up and not piss on herself and she would have the greatest tour in history. I was half-joking at the time but unfortunately that joke became a reality.

MTV.com has written no less than 37 articles about Britney's tour.

Despite the fact that you have one of the most commercially and critically successful tours of the year they could only be bothered to write about 5 articles about your tour, most of which did NOT appear on the main page.

What really overcooked my hamhocks was this article "Was Beyonce Lip-Synching?" concerning your performance at the Oscars. I just find it a little odd that a network who seems so deeply in love with an artist who hasn't sang live since "The Parkers" was on the air would be so strongly opposed to the idea of you using pre-recorded vocals. But I guess that's the name of the game.

I know a large part of this is the fact that they still have egg on their face from when Britney made an ass of herself and them with her comatose performance at the 2007 VMAs. So in writing damn near 40 articles about her tour it creates the illusion that Britney is still relevant to people aside from her stans.

I would like to think that you and Britney are of equal importance to MTV, but the shade they've been throwing is about as subtle as your acting in The Fighting Temptations. I know that the economy (and legitimate journalism) has changed and objectivity does not pay the bills, but I miss the days when MTV.com was a legitimate and (somewhat) balanced news source instead of the gossip blog that it has become.

As for your nine nominations I'd like to think that the cultural significance of the "Single Ladies" video would be enough to guarantee you at least the Video of the Year award, but historically the VMAs hasn't always done right by us Negroes regardless of how culturally significant our videos were. Michael Jackson's "Thriller" did not win Video of the Year in 1984. Janet's "Rhythm Nation" wasn't even nominated for Video of the Year in 1990. And it took 11 years for a Black act (TLC) to actually win Video of the Year. They've cut the "Best R&B Video" award which would not have only recognized you but also exceptional R&B videos released this year from other artists including your sister Solange.

I'd like to have a positive attitude about the VMAs, but I can smell bullshit a mile away. You just make sure Mama Tina brings her boxcutter and fighting wig.

Because of this I need you to go into the VMAs with a different attitude. This is not the year to be humble. As Erykah Badu said "Being humble is so 2007". I need you to be a diva that night. I am tired of seeing you smiling and giggling every time the camera is on you. Ain't nothing in the world that damn funny. At the VMA's I want you to be the messy bitch Tina raised you to be. I want you to throw the type of shade that only a drunken queen or an iconic diva can throw. Take it back to the Destiny's Child days when you could shut a chick down with just one look. Roll your eyes. Fold your arms. Cross your legs. Boo bitches off the stage if the spirit moves you. I want you just get really hood with it. Spit sunflower seeds at the stage when Keri Hilson is on stage. Get a pillow and pretend to be sleep when Britney gets on stage (it won't be that hard). DO NOT tip Ciara when she gives you the keys to your car at the valet parking booth. Be the mean diva that people think you are. They already hate you, give them a good reason.

In conclusion, even if you disappoint me at the VMAs I'll still support you. I'll just talk about you behind your back in blog comment sections like your other fickle-ass fans.

And I'm changing the name of this site to Cassieitis.

Thank you for listening.

And Happy B-Day!


47 comments:

Alellow said...

AMEN!

Anonymous said...

what happened to your twitter account?! you should use it again.

Anonymous said...

Be the mean diva that people think you are. They already hate you, give them a good reason.


AMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN

cant wait for sasha takes over yeahhh (to quote kelly Rowland)

HAPPY BDAY TO THE QUEEN

PS:so how about letoya sell?

Anonymous said...

i hope it's a bomb performance like her older ones cuz that last BET performance was a snooze fest.

H.C said...

you just said what we all were thinking but woudn't dare saying it! Beyonce better give us a jaw dropping performance!!

that shit about MTV is so true! she indeed needs a flashlight.

I wish Beyonce would take your advice "They already hate you, give them a good reason"

Amen.

Happy B'Day Beyonce!!

hugefan said...

absolutely amazing. I'm taking you to dinner when i'm in DC.

lildrummerboi said...

That Fantasia clip was the death of me. All kinda "...Celebration" memories came back (DC3 and all).

Now if only Ty or Angie would read this and deliver even just the highlights from the post, I think we'd be ok come that Sept. night.

Anonymous said...

Now thats realtalking there. gosh man, marry me you are the best.

Anonymous said...

i feel like sometimes Bee feels like she has to "tone it down". like at school ,you know all the answers but you are tired of raising your hand to answer so you let people think you don't know the answer. I think that’s what Bee does sometimes. EVERYONE knows she is the $hit. So she sometimes doesn't turn it all way up to give other people a chance. But the VMA's is not one of those times. I hope she delivers so hard that Britney starts shaving her hair on camera.

Beyonceitis said...

Anonymous said...
i feel like sometimes Bee feels like she has to "tone it down". like at school ,you know all the answers but you are tired of raising your hand to answer so you let people think you don't know the answer. I think that’s what Bee does sometimes. EVERYONE knows she is the $hit. So she sometimes doesn't turn it all way up to give other people a chance. But the VMA's is not one of those times. I hope she delivers so hard that Britney starts shaving her hair on camera.
------------------------

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Beyonceitis said...

hugefan said...
absolutely amazing. I'm taking you to dinner when i'm in DC
--------------------

Georgia Brown's please.

And I'm not opening my wallet or anything else.

Anonymous said...

I'm really trying to figure out what performances have been toned down. Beyonce was sick at the Grammys when she sung Listen (still delivered a great performance), and she sung Ave Maria at the BET Awards because that was MJ's favorite song on her album, according to BET's Stephen Hill and Deborah Lee. What did people expect her to right after MJ passed, Ego. Beyonce is a great performer, and she'll turn it out at this year's VMAs. Some of you put too much damn pressure on the girl. No, she doesn't need to come out there acting mean. Everybody has their days, but Beyonce is fundamentally such a sweet woman and she don't need to change that. You can be a great performer and still be a nice person.

hugefan said...

Haha I'm from DC but live in Boston, I'll be back in November and Georgia Brown's it is!

Agnes Dereon Jr. said...

People got used to the Deja Vu and Get Me Bodied performance and now that's all they want form the Queen Bey. I don't think she is going to go Above & Beyonce mostly because that's not what this album was about. I can't think of a single performance that was in line with her glorious drag queen days of The Beyonce Experience. Hopefully she flips it and reverses it on that stage like it's the last day of December 2011. Much like you no matter what performance she puts in I will still be a sasha fierce support representative BUT I really am hoping for an early christmas gift.

Come on Queen Creole you can do it!

Anonymous said...

Damn I thought I was the only one who preferred diva/bitchy Beyonce.....like back in Destiny Child days when she rocked cornrows and belly shirts and acted like that light skinned hoe from high school that everyone hated. The first time I heard her say "What u say? She aint no DIVA!!" I almost pissed myself severely, because when you constantly killing the game its to to be cocky. Its ok to be snotty, to be rude in interviews, to frown in photos, and to talk over your group members (yes, you Kelly) like no one gives a damn what they have to say. I hope Sash shows up and not Beyonce, although I love both of them.

Beyonce Stan Member ID# 234889

Anonymous said...

I agree with the the anonymous poster about being the person with all the answers. After a while you do get tired of being the best cause motherfuckers just resent the hell out of you when you're beyond mediocrity. It's the way of life...

You can tell that Beyonce is just a sweet ass Virgo...but she needs to OWN all of which she's been incredibly blessed with: Hustling ass parents, Hustling ass husband, Loyal Family (Look how quick Solange comes to her sister's defense) a killer body/with an equally killer face; and a powerful stage presence that leaves all the wanna be tartlets in the dustbowl of pop dreams.

I agree. She is too damn nice. But I suspect that just like Barack the Magic Negro that's how you've got to play the game to build your legacy.

Anonymous said...

Bitch I LIVE for this long ass article (or letter) you worte!!!!

Anonymous said...

this mother fucking post is spot on Beyonce need to turn the fucking heat so high it will burn gaga's pants to reveal her dick she needs to strut so hard that the stage split in 1/2 when shes finish she needs to pop with each move and just represent and show mtv and all the other fucking haters that we have to put up with daily why we stans be-friend and defend Sasha Beyonce just needs to let SASHA dominate on that night i don't wanna see Bey signing and hitting every damn note Mtv will still say u lip-synced I don't want u to take time dancing make sure your perfect they'll still say your ripping off Supercock you need to do both and destroy those fucking bastards and show them why your the God-Damn best

Anonymous said...

Why did a tear just roll down my damn cheek!!
I hate your ass for this true and "epic" post!!

Beyonce shut it down AGAIN!!! Please!! :)

roger said...

She needs to bring it so hard that MTV in its entirety ceases to exist. I hate MTV and I want Bey to be the last living thing they see--as someone else said, I hope Beyonce' brings it so damn hard that Britney starts shaving her head.

amerie said...

yeah bitch you have had enough fun but im bout to get in that ass. when my album drops im gon be the new queen ya dig.

Anonymous said...

amerie said...
yeah bitch you have had enough fun but im bout to get in that ass. when my album drops im gon be the new queen ya dig.
-----------------------------------

Dairy Queen maybe...

Anonymous said...

Dairy Queen maybe...
-----------------
hahahhahahahah.ain't that the truth. her comeback#45745748975 will still be a flop.

Anonymous said...

According to Nielsen Sound Scan "Lady Love" sold 33,000 copies in its opening week debuting at #12 on the Billboard 200 Charts and #1 on the R&B/Hip-Hop Albums Chart.

*cough*cough

What you say?
.
.
.
Not to me ....

Anonymous said...

I won't watch the VMAs ..nuh uh...no sah...will catch Bey's performance on Youtube or on MTV's webpage.

Happy Birthday...to you and you and you...Happy Birthday Beyonceeeeeeeeeeeee!

I L<3VE you more than Jay Z does! And everyday I pray to the creole gods that The Game, Dame Dash, or crackhead DMX kills that UGLY nigga u r married to. He INSISTS on elevating your bald headed, pasty-tittyed, brown skin bleaching, media-whoring, goat-like singing competition. F#ck Jay Z!

H.C said...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

OH NO YOU DIDN'T
I'M COMING FOR YOU BITCH!


http://i32.tinypic.com/5loqqs.jpg

Jaz said...

nuttin' but the truth.

And Happy B'Day Beyonce!

(my offerings)...

http://deliciousfruit.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/pic-original.jpg

http://photos-a.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sf2p/v257/37/64/6007703/n6007703_37775288_7173.jpg

Some Bitch With A Problem & No Hugs said...

Nine

Four

Eight

One...


B'Day...

(Swizz Beat seizure sounds)

MISSION ONE, I'MA PUT THIS ON...

Beyonceitis said...

(Swizz Beat seizure sounds)
--------------------------

You should be ashamed of yourself.

ROTFLMAO.

Tayda said...

Beyonceitis said...

You should be ashamed of yourself.


------

*takes a bow*

Mission One, accomplished.

Beyonceitis said...

Tay I'm going to need you to sign on to YIM anytime between today and when Chris Brown's restraning order expires.

I feel neglected.

:(

melissa said...

Yesss you went in!!! Beyonce have no Mercy!!

Anonymous said...

it's beysus birthday
merry B-mas to yall
:D

why jay-z wasnt in this fuckin HBDAY VIDEO on her channel???

Anonymous said...

to the comment above... i was just saying how beyonce's birthday for the stans is like christmas...lol

but her mom or dad wasnt in the video either, so...

Anonymous said...

http://new.music.yahoo.com/blogs/hiphopmediatraining/168714/beyonce-janetciara-can-i-show-you-something/

Anonymous said...

http://perezhilton.com/2009-09-04-how-do-you-top-this

AWW!!!

Anonymous said...

I think its funny how you said only *attractive* gay men like Beyonce.

and the fact that Perez used to hate on Beyonce all the time(you called him a fatass blogger bitch), and since he lost weight & got some confidence, he's in love with her.

Your theories are the truth.

Flash said...

lol her concert reviews weren't on front page on mtv, but her birthday was

Anonymous said...

to the comment above... i was just saying how beyonce's birthday for the stans is like christmas...lol

but her mom or dad wasnt in the video either, so...

---------------
LMAO

Mom & Dad did them thing that 09/04/1981
Cant ask more from them

Tayda said...

Since B'Day fell on a Friday...

THE PARTY DON'T STOP 'TIL TUESDAY!!!!

HEY!

Ya see my body. I gotta know enough to know if you can get me bodied. I'm kinda tight and feeling right enough to see somebody! I wanna let it out tonight!

WANNA DANCE

WANNA PARTY

WANNA BE MYSELF TONIGHT!

Beyonceitis said...

GET
YOUR
ASS
ON
YIM

Rissa: Head of Daily S.O.S. Operations said...

Truth. As usual.
And for "Swizz Beatz Seisure Sounds", please put on your gasoline soaked draws, Tayda.
Thank you and good night.

H.C said...

umm...

" Spit sunflower seeds at the stage when Keri Hilson is on stage. Get a pillow and pretend to be sleep when Britney gets on stage (it won't be that hard). DO NOT tip Ciara when she gives you the keys to your car at the valet parking booth"

When I read this the first 10 times I knew something was missing, I just coudn't put my finger on it, now I know:

"close your ears when Rihanna is on stage"

OLP said...

"I am tired of seeing you smiling and giggling every time the camera is on you. Ain't nothing in the world that damn funny. At the VMA's I want you to be the messy bitch Tina raised you to be."

ROTFLMAO!!!

And great clips. The cool thing about this woman is that she can grab applause anywhere. I've seen people clapping watching her stuff on youtube. I was even in a restaurant when she sang at the superbowl that year. The people in the restaurant(including myself of course...lol) started clapping when she was done. The woman is fire.

Tayda said...

I guess Mission Two was accomplished, too. Not in the way that I wanted, but eh...

Anonymous said...

http://rhythmlessnation.blogspot.com/2009/08/analysis-of-beyonce-hater.html

bravo
i love this

Stephanie Anderson said...

I guess Mission Two was accomplished, too. Not in the way that I wanted, but eh...