Why I am No Longer A Beyonce Stan

I am no longer a Beyonce stan.

Before you begin clutching your Dereon pearls and before you get overcome by the vapors, allow me to explain.

I was banned from BeyonceWorld.

That's right.

Banned.

I, imaginary friend of Sasha Fierce, imaginary keeper of Beyonce's wigs, and imaginary organizer of Beyonce's birth control pills, have been banned from a Beyonce message board.

Banning me from BeyonceWorld is like banning Tina Knowles from BeyonceWorld, because she is the only other person in the world who has fought harder for the advancement of Creole people, and she's the only other person aside from me who is likely to stab somebody for talking slick about Beyonce.

I'm sure you are asking how can the owner of a site called "Beyonceitis" get banned from a Beyonce message board. How can those fothermuckers ban a person who has done for Beyonce what Martin did for the people? Yet I find myself banned from the premises of BeyonceWorld. They kicked me out. They Cranked that LaTavia on me. They told me to get my shit and get out!.

The truth is I asked to be banned. At BeyonceWorld when irrational and delusional stans start to get on your nerves you can't delete yourself like you can at Janet Xone. The only way out is:

1. Don't sign in.
2. Get yourself banned.

And BeyonceWorld is like crack rock. It's bad for you and will probably kill you in the long run, but it is so addicting. I could not stop myself from logging in so my only way out was to get myself banned.

So how did I get myself banned?

Did I call the board moderator a "self-sucking son of a bitch"?

Maybe I did. A lot of things were said in the heat of the moment, who can remember who said what.

Did I post pictures of freakishly large penises?

That depends of your definition of "large". Beyonce might not think they were too large, too big, too wide, or too skrong, but then again her first time was with Jay-Z and we all know he as the Loch Ness monster in his pants so her definition of a large ding-a-ling maybe different from yours.

But, as I do in every post, I digress.

I had good reason to commit message board suicide. I know your eyeballs are getting tired from processing all of these words, so to make a long story short allow me to present to you:

7 Reasons Why I Hate Beyonce Stans:

1. Beyonce is always pregnant.

Whenever Beyonce does something different from what is expected then Beyonce stans say it's because she's pregnant. If she doesn't walk the red carpet it's because she's pregnant. If she skips the Grammy Awards it's because she's pregnant. If she starts her tour in Canada it's not because of the shitty economy in other parts of the world but because she is pregnant and is trying to get the tour over before her water breaks in her Dereon Jeans. Our nation is in a recession because Beyonce is secretly pregnant. In the minds of Beyonce stans all of the world's problems are because of Beyonce's uterus.

2. They're Ugly.

Ok. Ugly is a little harsh, and I usually don't believe in using that word. I feel that we are all beautiful gifts from Virgo, but I got tired of looking at oversized pictures of busted-looking Beyonce fans. I'm just saying I shouldn't have to scroll past 48 big-ass pictures of monkeys, chimps, gremlins, lions, tigers, and bears just to read Beyonce news.

3. Beyonce Stans Act Like She's Janet/Ciara/Ashanti

Beyonce stans act like Beyonce is an artist starving for attention or a comeback, so if by chance she is not on everybody's talk show, morning show, late show, award show, fashion show, and dog show then they make it seem as though she doesn't care about her career and is being lazy. They ignore the fact that she stayed in the Top 5on the album charts for months and had 4 songs in rotation at a time when some popular artists can't get one song played. They ignore the fact that there are a million behind-the-scenes things that have to be done before you go on tour. Dancers have to rehearse, stages have to be built, wigs have to be curled, chicken has to be seasoned. It's nonstop work. Beyonce fans always seem know what she should be doing with her career. I just hope some of them get jobs at Def Jam (well, the ones who don't already work at Def Jam)

4. Humor = Bad/Haters and Free Advertising = Good

It's ok for stans of other artists to advertise, it's ok for overweight queens with learning disabilities to advertise video blogs hating on Beyonce, and it's ok for MediaTakeOut and your favorite blogger's favorite blogger to steal news from BeyonceWorld. There are members who have flat out called Beyonce fat and dumb and have not be banned, but if you call a board member "bald-headed" (which some of them are) or if you call the moderator gay (which he probably is) then you get banned quicker than you can say "Uh Uh Oh".

5. BeyonceWorld was Turning into RihannaWorld

As much as I am annoyed when people bring up Beyonce's name out of context to hate on her, I would be a hyprocrite if I didn't point out that certain Beyonce fans feel the need to evoke the spirit of Miss Fenty in conversations that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with her. I have acknowledged that Rihanna is competition, but I don't need to bring her into situations that have nothing to do with her.

6. Stans Want to Have Their Popeye's Chicken and Eat It Too

Beyonce stans want Beyonce to be a ground-breaking, cutting edge artist who is at the top of her game, but part of being groundbreaking means taking risks, and some Beyonce stans only support those risks if the it turns out to be successful. They don't like or dislike things on based on their own tastes or opinons, they like or dislike things based on the potential for hate or potential for bragging rights. For example, if Beyonce started wearing a hats made out of dildoes they would hate. But if everybody else starts wearing the those same people will act like they were up on dildo hats before everybody. So in simpler terms a lot of Beyonce stans are stans only when it's convenient to them. As I have said numerous times before, I would rather look at something that Beyonce does, understand it, and still hate it because I truly hate it, rather than not understand it, and just like it just because other people like it.


7. You Start to Think That Sasha is Not So Fierce

If you spend an extended amount of time with Beyonce stans arguing from the comfort their dorm rooms or grandmother's basements you begin to question why you like Beyonce in the first place. I mean if she's as great as you think she is, how did she manage attract such shit heads as her fans? I like Beyonce, does that mean I'm a shit head too? As much as you believe in Sasha Fierce and all that she can do for you, after arguing, defending, and explaining things all day you just get tired of her fans and sometimes, you get tired of her.

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To sum it all up, Beyonce stans could find a way to fuck up a wet dream, and because of the above reasons, I felt that it was time for me to leave BeyonceWorld, and I will admit, that it has been fun getting Beyonce news without the added and unnecessary commentary.

It was fun watching the Oscars without:

"Why is Jay not there?"

"Why doesn't he support his wife?"

"He probably somewhere creepin' on Beyonce, that farm-faced bastard..."

"You think they got into a fight?

"I didn't want them to get married anyway."

"What are the Oscars?"

"Is "Single Ladies" nominated for an Oscar?"

"Do you think she'll perform "Diva" at the Oscars?"

"Do you think she'll go into labor on stage, since she is pregnant?"

And such...

I will still continue to give glory and send praises to Sasha Fierce. I'll get good and liquored up so that I can sit through "Obsessed". And I plan to see the Sasha Fierce Tour a couple of times (but if she thinks I'm paying $1500 to take a picture a with her she needs to go with Rihanna to get a CAT scan because Miss Knowles-Carter done bumped her skull if she think I'm spending rent money to meet her funky ass)

I think message boards and blogs are a very important tool for artists and fans. I don't think any person should live in a bubble where they are shut off from other's people's opinions and criticism because some of it is constructive, and I'm sure Beyonce and/or some of her people have learned from fans' comments and suggestions.

I just no longer feel the need to be reminded of the negative side to being a stan. The ignorance, hypocrisy, and delusion required to be a stan of ANY artist. Most rabid fans of most popular artists are annoying. You can go to any message board of ANY artist and get annoyed after awhile.

I miss the days when I wasn't checking Billboard charts or ticket sales. I miss the days when I didn't know shit. Granted Beyonce is a top-selling artist, but I don't consider myself a bandwagon fan so my appreciation of her is not based on numbers. I liked "Work It Out" and damn it, I liked "Ring the Alarm" (you can kiss my ass that was a hot song). Although I have spent a considerable amount of time giving reasons why Beyonce is better than you at everything, I got tired of debating Beyonce with other Beyonce fans. If I wanted to read ignorant Beyonce comments I could just go to YouTube. In my opinion, not everything she says or does should spark a 67-page discussion (which is why I don't post everyday). And once you find yourself having defend something you like all the time, it begins feeling like work instead of entertainment.

If I have learned anything from the Beyonceitis outbreak it's that career security is not guaranteed. Just because you are hot today does not mean you will be hot tomorrow, and as a fan of Sasha Fierce, I would rather spend this time enjoying an artist in her prime rather than argue about her all day.

So from this day on I will no longer refer to myself as a "Beyonce Stan".
I am a "Sasha Fierce Support Representative".

I don't mean any harm.

I just want to be entertained.


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Fuck a Valentine's Day



Today is Valentine's Day. Since I have yet to find anybody to put a ring on it, or at least put a fake gold chain on it, I will be spending the day alone.

No candy.

No flowers.

No romantic dinter.

Nobody is taking me to the picture show.

No humping, pumping, or jumping-jumping.

No romance of any kind.

Just me and some DVDs.

What will you be doing?


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More E-Mails...

Dear Wig Crypt,

I have been a loyal reader of your blog for about 2 years. I am writing you because so seem smart and you know a couple of big words and you know how to read and stuff. Congratulations. The reason I am writing is because I am in a very bad situation and I need some advice. This weekend I was involved in what my lawyer calls "an unfortunate altercation" and my grandmother calls "simple-ass nigga shit" Me and my girlfriend got into an argument, and I kinda blacked out and I don't remember a lot of it but apparently I physically attacked her. Of course if I could I would take this back but I can't. I am wondering how Cranking That Ike Turner will affect my life? Is my career over? How will I get through this?

The reason I am asking you is because your blog and website centers around artists who have had their careers killed by Beyonce so I figure you would be the expert on dying careers. How do I get through this?

Please help.

Signed,

Love Lockdown


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Dear Love Lockdown,


I'm sure a lot of things are running through your mind.

Is my life ruined?

How do I get out of this mess?

Will I be sent to prison and forced to walk around a cell with my ass hanging out?

The truth is I really don't know. While most people may not be able to relate to this specific incident, most of us have been in situations where our character has been questioned and it's easy to pass judgement especially if we only know one side of the story.

No matter what hardships I am going through I have found that 3 things will help.

Here are those 3 things:


#1 Your Stans.

I have a Ph.D. in stanology and after studying Beyonce and Janet stans for the past 12 years I have found that stans will fight for you no matter how bad things get. They will write petitions, pay for your lawyers, and they will be at the courthouse at 7AM in the freezing cold, passing out hot coffee and grits. Never underestimate the devotion of your stans.

Even if there were HD-quality video of you doing the A-Town stomp on your girlfriend your stans will REFUSE to believe that it was you. There was video of somebody who looked a lot like R. Kelly taking a piss on somebody who looked a lot like a 12 year old, yet he was found not guilty on all charges and is free to roam junior high school parking lots.

Stans will argue for you even if you are dead ass wrong. If Beyonce were accused of shooting a bitch point blank in the face, her stans would say that the bitch shouldn't have been in the way.

Kind of extreme yes, but I think you get my point. Your stans think you're a saint. That can be annoying sometimes but you begin to appreciate it when the rest of the world think you're the devil.

#2. Music

Music will help you through. Sometimes when life stresses you out, getting lost in a good song is great therapy. So put your iPod on and just drift away, but please delete the following songs:

"Oops Upside Your Head" by the Gap Band
"Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas
"Love TKO" by Teddy Pendergrass.
"I'll Beat Yo' Ass" Crime Mob [1]
"Stomp" by Young Buck
"Slap" by Ludacris
"Attack Me With Your Love" by Cameo


#3 Yourself.

The most difficult thing in the world is to have a one negative moment define who you are for the rest of your life, but the sad reality is that there are thousands of men in prison in jail for life because of a couple of seconds of bad judgement.

People are going to call you all kinds of things and portray you as an angry woman-beating monster. To get through that you have to know yourself well enough to know that other people's labels shouldn't define who you are. On the flipside, you should also be man enough to step outside yourself and admit when you're wrong and realize whether or not you need to seek help.

Although I don't condone violence against women (especially women without a switchblade or razor to defend themselves) I understand that sometimes our tempers get the best of us and there is always another side to the story. People like things to be black and white, but more often than not our lives tend fall into gray areas.

Is your career over?

No.

Well, to clarify it's not over in the sense that you'll have to move back to your hometown and work at Target, but you may have to start over. I don't want your career to be over, because for me to want your career to be over means that I want you to lost your job, and I wouldn't wish that on anybody during this recession and if everybody's jobs were based on mistakes they made in their personal lives there would be a lot of unemployed mofos in the street right.


Starting over may be hard, but it'll make you more humble and more appreciative since now you know you can lose it quickly. It may take some time, but you can look at it as a blessing. Everybody deserves a 2nd chance, but not everyone gets one.









[1](The 2nd Crime Mob reference today)


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My Deepest Apologies...

Last evening as I was checking emails I received an e-mail from one Miss Kennisha Hoard.

Kennisha is the proud owner and uploader of the "Mother Wisdom/Single Ladies" YouTube video which is taking the Niggranet by storm.

Miss Hoard wrote:

Hello,

I am the original owner of the clip. Thanks first of all for checking out and enjoying the clip. But I have a concern and I would appreciate it if you would give the correct posting credit to whom it's due. Obviously, it's not you. I don't mind you posting it but if you can not give the clip proper credits to it's owner take it off your site please since I originally posted it on youtube.

As stated before I don't mind that you posted it but to take credit, it's not correct. I'm glad that you find it amusing as it was the plan.

Please be mindful that this is just a skit and straight comedy. She is a ficitonal character.

Thank you for your prompt attention and cooperation.


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I would like to offer a public apology.

I know what it's like when people snatch things off your site without giving you proper credit, but that was not my intention.

I have a YouTube page set up for things that I upload, and I assumed that when people clicked the video and saw that it wasn't under the Beyonceitis YouTube Channel, then they would know that it was not my personal video and rather a video I post like many other videos that I have posted and that are posted by thousands of blogs a day.

But I'm aware that common sense and reading comprehension may be too much to ask for. So I apologize for any misunderstanding and miscommunication.

I did not record the Mother Wisdom video.

I have not been inside a church house in 3-4 years, but I can tell you this, if my pastor started quoting scripture from the book of Sasha Fierce or from the book of Crime Mob I would be there early, front row, with a meet and greet package.

But we can discuss religion another day.

I would like to apologize if it was implied that the video was mine. I didn't put my name on it, nor did I say that is my video, and I thought I was doing the right thing, but sometimes you mess up without realizing it. The last thing that I ever want to do is take credit for something that is not mine, and to be accused of such hurts my feelings. (Beyonce-in-Dreamgirls Sad Face)

I would also like to apologize to President Obama. The footage of Queen Creole singing at your ball is not mine, I was not my intention to take credit for it.

I did not record the video.

I did not write the song "At Last"

I did not design nor install Beyonce's hair.

I did not design the First Lady's dress (although Mama Tina did send Michelle Obama some beautiful gowns made from only the finest silk and polyester and only the most classy animal-print)

In the future if I decide to post videos I will make sure to include the owners full name, city, state, kindegarten picture, birth certificate and the church they represent.

Again, I sincerely apologize for the confusion.


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When the Party is Over...

Picture it.

Super Bowl Sunday, 2049.

Beyonce is a worldwide entertainment legend.

From 2009-2013 she embarks on the I Am...Sasha Fierce Tour (sponsored by L'Oreal, Samsung, Oscar Mayer, Toyota, and the new Dereon Pregnancy Test)

Although it becomes the highest grossing tour in history, when the tour is over she leaves music and focuses her attention on acting.

In 2014 she wins an Oscar playing herself in the film:
"Coward-Ass Bitches: The Life and Times of Destiny's Child".

In 2019 she wins a Pulitzer Prize for her autobiography,"Hating-Ass Internet Bitches: The Autobiography of Miss Beyonce Knowles"

In 2022 she wins a Tony Award for a Broadway musical based on her life struggles entitled
"Fat-Ass Blogger Bitches: The Trials and Tribulations of Beyonce Knowles (music and lyrics by Lil' Boosie)"

In between acting projects she has a very full personal life. She leaves Jay-Z and then they got back together. They have 4 kids: Allegra Carter, Levitra Carter, Cialas Carter, and Viagra Carter. One child for each of Jay's pills.

In 2025 She leaves him again and she and Justin Timberlake get married and the two have a 3-year residency at Ceasar's Palace in Las Vegas along with their interracial family band.

In 2029 She leaves Justin and gets back with Jay-Z. Then leaves Jay-Z again.

In 2031 Beyonce goes through an "experimental" phase with Alicia Keys which doesn't quite work out.

In 2033 Beyonce then gets back together with Jay-Z and in 2037 Beyonce is arrested for pistol-whipping him in a iHop parking lot in Houston,TX. Beyonce claims Jay winked at a waitress. Jay says it was a facial spasm and he appears on the cover of Essence magazine to tell his side of the story.

Beyonce and Jay reconcile and get back together in 2038.

After years of success in acting Beyonce decides, at the age of 68, that it's time to get back into music. She's gonna show these young bitches who the real queen is. So Matthew Knowles Jr. (her new manager and long-lost half-brother) gets her a gig performing at the Super Bowl Halftime show with singing sensation Chris Brown Jr.

A lot is riding on this performance. Most of her old competition have found it hard to maintain success. Rihanna is now a judge on American Idol. Ciara is a background dancer for Baby Daniel's world tour. And Britney Spears is still performing, but her managers have found that instead of making her perform on stage it's a lot easier to put a blond wig on a laptop computer and play her music on iTunes for 2 hours. It has the same of effect of an actual Britney Spears performance and her fans, unsurprisingly, are willing to pay $300 to stare at laptop with a blond wig for 2 hours.

The music industry has changed in the 40 years since Beyonce was the "hottest chick in the game" , This is Beyonce's chance to prove that after 50 years in the game she is still relevant. So Super Bowl Sunday comes. She takes the stage during halftime, and at the end her performance, Chris Brown Jr. rips off Beyonce's House of Dereon zebra-skin jumpsuit exposing her naked 68-year-old body to the world.


TITTIES!

ASS!

You can see her public hairs.
(Bernie Mac ©1998)

White America is OUTRAGED. Television stations are fined millions of dollars. Beyonce's 39 Grammys, her Oscars, her Tony, her Emmy, and her Olympic Gymnastics gold medal (long story), are all taken away. Within a matter of seconds Beyonce goes from worldwide icon to worldwide joke. Her next 5 albums flop. She can no longer fill arenas and has to cancel a tour of church bingo halls and riverboat casinos due to low ticket sales. It seems as though within a matter of seconds, 40 years of hard work is flushed down the toilet.

(sigh)

It's not easy being an icon in the music industry.

There's always a conflict between the artist you are and the artist you used to be.

People agree that you are an icon, but no one wants to buy your new music.

It's too pop for your R&B fans

Too urban for your pop fans

It's too young.

Too old.

Too big.

Too wide.

It won't fit.

You're trying too hard.

You're not trying hard enough.

You don't sing the same.

You've lost your voice.

You don't dance the same.

Your new music doesn't come close to living up to any of your "classic" material.

You are trying to remain relevant in 2009, but to do so you have to constantly remind people of shit you did 20 years ago.

You are competing with artists who weren't even alive when you were in your prime.

You have to attract a new generation of listeners without neglecting the fans who made you famous.

You fight hard to avoid the painful realization that your milkshake just doesn't bring them to the yard like it used to.

You're trying to avoid the fact that the party may be over.

In the music industry it's hard enough to remain relevant for 2 years, let alone 20 years, but the only thing worse than a diva past her prime is a diva who doesn't know she's past her prime.

And the only thing worse than a diva who doesn't know she past her prime are fans who won't accept the fact that their favorite diva is past her prime.

Of course no one around you is going to tell you that you suck, that your voice is gone, that your dance moves are slower, that you've gained weight, or your new music sucks ass, especially if there is still money to be made off of you.

So how do you know when it's time to pack it up?

Fame is a cruel, evil, unfaithful whore. You're are only an exposed nipple, a shaved head, or a cocaine habit away for losing a lifetime's worth of hard work. You can wake up tomorrow and realize that you've been replaced by artists half your age, with half your talent.

When most "legends" release new material or mount a new tour they say it's because they love what they do.

But that's bullshit.

The REAL reason legends stage comebacks is to show the young girls who the original divas were.

Sometimes it works. And Sometimes it doesn't.

But that's the risk you take when you jeopardize your status as an icon trying to do what the young girls do.

As Beyonce continues her quest for legend status I'm sure she is learning from the successes and mistakes of the artists she admires and is learning how to age gracefully both as a person and artist. She's managed to squeeze in a lifetime's worth of iconic accomplishments and performances within a span of 6 years, but I still think her best work is yet to come.

Beyonce's idol, Tina Turner seems to have the right idea about aging with class. Last year she went on Oprah and said, "Look bitch. I'm going on tour. I don't want to work Pharrell, I don't need a new album, I don't want to go on 106 and Park, I don't want to work with the Dream, and I don't need a hook for this shit. I'm going on tour. I'm charging $150 a ticket, and you motherfuckers better be there."

And she sold out every tour date and got great reviews with her dignity, reputation,(and her clothes) still in tact. She was aware of her age yet aware that she was still a great performer who was still relevant.

I guess she realized that at a certain point in your life and musical career no producer, no video, or marketing gimmick is going to make you 27 again, and sometimes the best you can do is focus on the people who appreciate you rather than degrade yourself by trying to appeal to youngsters who are going to think that you are old and played out anyway.

Maybe we should be a little more respectful of our musical veterans and icons because they are the ones who influenced our favorite artists. And it must be hard to wake up one day to see a totally different industry than the one you came up in. It must be even more difficult to try to figure out how you can fit into this new industry, or if you can even fit in at all.


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