The I Am...Tour Is....Not Selling Well

The Wigcrypt Research department (Google) has learned that the I Am...Tour is flopping all around the world.

This screencap shows that the first show in Zagreb, Croatia is... Sold Out.




Well this screencap shows that the show in Belgium is... Sold Out




Well in Germany her shows are NOT sold out...but the best available seats are damn near out in the parking lot.


Those Germans must love Sasha Fierce... Schei├če!


Well in the Netherlands Her Show Flopped So Hard They....Added a 2nd Show...

And in Ireland They Hate Her So Much They.... Added 3 shows...



How About Spain....

Wow...That's an awful lot of rojo in that picture... Viva la Sasha Fierce!


Well in the UK the tour is flopping so hard...




Happy Early April's Fools!

The moral of this story, haters, is if your favorite artist can't sell out Chuck E. Cheese playrooms, you should not be concerned about whether or not Beyonce sells out in the first minute. So therefore I suggest you watch your mouth and stop tryna act like you are better than everybody else before I put a ring around yo' damn eye!

And stans, Beyonce is not going to sell out every ticket of every show, No artist does, not even Madonna sold out EVERY SHOW, and usually she sells out everywhere(even though her tickets cost $10,000 and a left testicle). So chillax.

Now, if you guys are done acting like a bunch of illiterate, hyperactive, gay monkeys, I think I'll go get me some nachos... You want anything?

(Goes back to the Peace Treaty)

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I Am...Tired of This Shit

Beyonce Stan: Did you see Beyonce's new (tour/video/magazine cover/birth control pill commercial) she shut it down! Take that haters!

Bitter Stan: Why she have that white woman hair in her head. She so fake.

Bitter Stan: She stole that ponytail from Janet. Janet invented ponytails. She's a legend. Beyonce is a swaggerjacker.

Beyonce Stan: BITCH! Beyonce can wear whatever she want on her head. She got 10 Grammys!

Bitter Stan: She stole that! She's always stealing shit.

Beyonce Stan: BITCH! Beyonce ain't gotta steal shit! She got 10 Grammys!

Bitter Stan: She need to stop eating all that Popeyes. Her hips are spreading like rumors.

Beyonce Stan: BITCH! Beyonce can eat all the chicken she wants. She got 10 Grammys!

Bitter Stan: She stole chicken from Janet. Janet invented chicken. Jimmy Jam just added hot sauce, but Janet invented chicken and she never gets the credit she deserves. She's a legend. Beyonce is a swaggerjacker.

Bitter Stan: Beyonce is so overrated.

Beyonce Stan: BITCH! Yo Mama's dick-sucking skills are overrated you baldheaded ho. Beyonce ain't overrated! She got 10 Grammys!

Bitter Stan: Janet invented dick-sucking. That's why she sings about it all the time. She invented it in Minneapolis in 1985. She's a legend. Beyonce is a swaggerjacker.


Allow me to re-introduce myself.

The name of this site is Beyonceitis.

Beyonceitis was founded on 3 basic concepts:

1. Beyonce is more underrated than overrated.

2. Not all gay men love Beyonce. Only attractive gay men love Beyonce. Unattractive gay men prefer other artists.

3. Hating on Beyonce won't make your favorite artist anymore relevant.

Around these concepts I made a web site and a blog, both highly satirical, but rooted in truth. No matter how deep in denial you are, whether it's mild Ciara-stan denial or severe Janet-stan denial, you can't deny that after June 24, 2003 the game changed and Beyonce made it very difficult to have a vagina in pop/R&B music.

Some girls survived.

A lot of them didn't.

So I made a site to document this period. I called it "Beyonceitis". I'm assuming that it must be true otherwise the name of this site would be Cassieitis. Since the site started in 2007 Beyonceitis has spread and grown more deadly. Despite the hate and opposition Beyonce's career as only grown in the last 2 years. I realized that Beyonceitis had fully taken over when Beyonce turned the inauguaration into the I Am... Sasha Fierce tour. I said to myself : "Sasha Fierce doesn't play fair. It's really a shame how she whoops these girls asses. She has SLAUGHTERED the game."

I've never seen anything like it, and neither have you. So I felt the need to document it with this blog.

I've never received one red cent from this site. Not even a Dereon gift certificate, a METRO card, a WIC coupon, or nothing. Perhaps that makes me a devoted stan Sasha Fierce Support Representative, perhaps it makes me a bad businessman. I keep it pretty loose around here. I don't delete comments or disable comments. If I get to say what I want to say you should say what you want to say (except free advertising). I do this for free without a lot of complaining, however, I come to you today because ladies and genetlemen "ladies" I am tired.

I am tired of the arguing between stans. I'm tired of us searching Google, Billboard, and Wikipedia for albums sales, concert sales, #1 singles and things trying to "shut each other down".

And before you even think it, let me state facts:

I DON'T hate on an artists.

Hate is saying something like "Beyonce's (expletive word for female genitalia) smells like a 3rd world country" as somebody wrote in the comment section last week (SIDEBAR: Anonymous posting is for pussies).

Hate is when you make a general negative statement rooted in nothing but ignorance and your own disdain.

Everything I say (that's not obvious fiction) can be backed up factual evidence.

Yes, I understand that some Beyonce stans go to YouTube pages to start shit also. Those stans do not represent the views and opinions of the rest of us. If you have learned anything from this blog it's that it is possible to support an artist WITHOUT having your head so deep up their anuses that you can't see the reality of certain things.

This is why I don't do "nice" posts about other artists. You always take it the wrong way. I was NOT dissing Ciara. I like Ciara. I just hate to see her opening for other artists and pushing back albums at this stage of her career. I mean, I give constructive criticism to Beyonce, and I love her more than I love porn, hot wings and top-shelf liquor. What makes you think I won't give constructive criticism to other artists? It doesn't make me less of a fan of Ciara, just less of a hypocrite.

But today is a new day. I would like to create an understanding between stans of other artists, so I would like to introduce the Beyonceitis Stan Peace Agreement. This agreement is designed to reduce the arguing, bickering, and general ignorance that has over taken comment sections all around the internet. It's ok to have an opinion, crack jokes, or even disklike an aritst, but I feel that given the chance, some of you would stab a bitch over your favorite artist, and it's really not that deep. I wouldn't stab nobody over Sasha Fierce. I might let some air out of your tires, or send a computer virus or something, but stabbing... no.

Anyway... here's the agreement:



Section A. - Ashanti

Beyonce stans shall refrain from calling Ashanti "Ashitty" "Sideburns McGee" "Magilla Gorilla" "Flopshanti", or any derogatory name. We will not bring up how she sucked the color off Irv Gotti's pecker to get a record deal because you have no video or photographic proof of that. You will admit that you thought her 1st album was the shit, and you also liked her other albums even if you only downloaded them.

She had the biggest opening week sales for a R&B female artist and in the same week she became the first female performer to simultaneously hold the top two places on the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart. She must've done something right before Beyonceitis paralyzed her.

You are not obligated to purchase a concert ticket to see Ashanti, as most Bingo casinos have an age limit.

In return we ask that Ashanti stans be quiet and be grateful that she wasn't a featured contestant on "For the Love of Ray-J."

Section B. - Brandy and Monica

Beyonce stans shall refrain from bringing up Brandy's "spiritual union" or her string of flop albums. They were all great artistic achievements.

You will not say anything bad about Monica. Don't nobody better say nothing bad about Monica! Monica ain't neva done nothing to nobody! You know you like Monica. In your imagination Beyonce and Monica are best friends, and Beyonce is the godmother of Monica's children, and Monica does Beyonce's hair, usually with a ponytail on the right side, kinky twists on the left, a swoop bang in the front, and her name cornrowed in the back. And they go to clubs, outlet malls, and Waffle Houses together with Keyshia Cole and they all keep small handguns boxcutters in their purse in case shit jumps off.

I still would not buy a concert ticket to see Brandy because she only tours Six Flags parks now, and the Six Flags closest to me gets quite "niggaish" in the summertime, and I will NOT be ducking and dodging bullets just to see the Moesha Experience.

In return we ask that Brandy stans be quiet and be grateful that she's not in prison fighting Big Sally for her virginity.

SECTION C - Janet Jackson

Beyonce stans shall refrain from referring to Janet Jackson as "Tranet" "Floppita Jo" "Janet Jackass" or any other derogatory name. That lady is an icon. A legend. She paved the way for all of these tone-deaf broads to pop their poons on stage, and she STILL looks good.

You will not bring up her string of failed albums or the Super Bowl incident unless it's a severe stan emergency. You will not bring up her canceling her tour due to low ticket sales, vertigo, severe vaginal itch, or the bad economy. Stop rubbing salt on an open wound. That lady is an icon. A legend. Show some muddafuckin' respect.

In return we ask Janet stans to just... go away.

SECTION D - Christina Aguilera

Although you are not required to be a fan of the vocal masturbation that Christina Aguilera calls singing, you shall respect the unique and creative creature that is Christina Aguilera. Even if else nobody cares.

In return we ask Xtina fans to go stick themselves.


You shall tip her at least 20% when your bill comes at Ruby Tuesdays. I know it's a recession, but it's hard out there for minimum wage workers.

SECTION F -Kelly Rowland

Beyonce stans shall refrain from making jokes about 'Miss Kelly'. Like saying that they're on sale for 19 cents at K-Mart. Or that they give it away free with McChickens at McDonalds. "Miss Kelly" was an excellent and underrated album, and Kelly Rowland a unique talent, who... I'm sorry I can't...

SECTION G . Amerie

(Please see Mya)

SECTION H. - Ciara

Beyonce stans will not call her "Cecil", "Cialis", or any name which insinuates that she has male genitals. That is a woman. She was born a woman. The End.

You liked her first and 2nd albums, you two used to be homegirls until you started ackin' funny and hanging out with Beyonce, now you act like you don't know nobody. Her number is still the same. Why don't you call her. She'd love to hear from you.

In return we ask that Ciara stans be quiet and be grateful that she hasn't been dropped from her label due to "creative differences".

SECTION I . Britney Spears

Beyonce stans will respect the power of Britney Spears. Just a year ago people were writing her obituary, now she's selling out concerts. This lady deserves handclaps and fingersnaps. So please snap in a circle, a triangle, or rectangle for Miss Spears 3 times.

In return we ask that Britney Spears stans be quiet and be grateful, that she's still around, even if she doesn't know where she is half the time.

SECTION J. Rihanna

Beyonce stans shall admit the fact that Rihanna gave Beyonce hell for a brief period from late 2007 to mid-2008, and for that deserves at least a token amount of your respect.

You must admit that style-wise Rihanna slays 90% of these broads even if vocally she sounds like a goat being molested.

You will admit that "Good Girl, Gone Bad" will probably go down as one of the best albums of this decade.

You will not dwell on the events of February 8, 2009, or use it as a comeback in arguments against Rihanna stans.

You will not say that you will "Chris Brown a bitch." Or give somebody a "Chris Brown Combo". That is not acceptable language and Beyonce would not condone it. She would laugh about it with Angie and Solange in her dressing room, but she wouldn't want you to say it publicly on a message board. Her mama taught her better than that.

You are still not required to pay to see Rihanna in concert. $100 is too much money for a high-tech fashion show. The damn Ebony Fashion Fair costs $25 and that includes a FREE subscription to Jet.

(SIDEBAR:1989 Jet Magazine with Cast of 'A Different World' of the Cover > Rihanna Concert)

In return we ask that Rihanna stans just be quiet.

SECTION K - Beyonce

Beyonce stans shall realize that the world was not created on September 4, 1981.

You shall stop being general jackasses. Stop being so easily baited into arguments.

Stop trolling around YouTube starting fights with people.

You shall realize that if you visit the blog of somebody you know hates on Beyonce just to defend Beyonce you are still putting money in their pockets.

You shall realize that petitions are for pussies. Nobody cares what you think.

You shall realize that it's ok NOT to like everything Beyonce does. You won't get your stan card revoked.

You shall realize that there's nothing I can say or you can say to totally "shut down" a hater. The only person who can truly shut down a Beyonce hater is Beyonce, and she's been doing that everyday for the past 10 damn years.

SECTION L. Provisions for ALL stans.

1. You shall not sign up on a message board to promote other artists. All it does is piss off the other members, and make you look desperate.

2. You shall admit that Beyonce is better than everybody at everything including but not limited to singing, dancing, acting, video games, drawing, hot dog eating contests, martial arts, forensic science, hunting, fishing, mud wrestling, basketball, boxing, horseback riding, fencing, hockey, dodgeball, and putting up sheetrock. Plus, she has a paralegal degree, a real estate license, she can type 75 words a minute, and she can roll a blunt and glue on a lacefront wig at the same damn time.

3. We shall all try to relax and have a sense of humor. It's just entertainment.

We enter into this agreement on the ____________________ day of ____________________ of the year ___________.



I want to foster a more cooperative spirit among stans. I want us to take it back to the 90's when there was a bunch of chicks running things versus having one chick run everything and a bunch of hating internet bitches mad at her. So I need a stan representative for each relevant or relevantly irrelevant female artist to sign this and fax or mail this agreement to Wig Crypt Headquarters.

Wig Crypt International Headquarters
(Fax) 777-9311

If this is not signed by a representative from each of the above artists within five (5) days, and if I don't see a decrease in YouTube, blog, and board arguing then the agreement is null and void and I will go back to being spiteful and mean towards the wack-ass artists that you stan for. If I left anybody out please add on in the comment section.

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Despite the fact that I was kicked out of BeyonceWorld, I was voted "Most Missed" along with 2 other tramps talented young ladies.


Wow... this is so unexpected.

I'd like to thank the creator... Matthew for giving us Sasha Fierce.

I'd like to thank Tina Knowles for being the ORIGINAL female version of a hustla.

I'd like to thank Sasha Fierce for being my inspiration, my muse... the wind beneath my wings, the stocking under my wig.

I'd like to thank Solange just for being Solange.

I'd like to thank the people at BeyonceWorld for banning me then voting for me. I appreciate that.

I'd like to thank the women with whom I share this award with. Tootie and Tayder Chips.

If you threw a party, and invited everyone you knew, you would see that the cheapest gift would be from me, and the card attached would say "Fuck yo' wack ass party ho!"

If this were Golden Girls I would probably be Dorothy since she was a man.

And Tay would be Sophia.

Tootie would be Blanche.

And Rose, of course, would probably be Wayne.

Finally I'd like to leave you with some words of wisdom, something my grandmother told me a long time ago, when I was about 4 years old.

She said "Honey Bun" (she called me Honey Bun from time-to-time)... She said "Honey Bun, I want to tell you something, I want to tell you the secret of life. No matter how much money you have, where you end up, or who you end up with, one thing will always be true... listen carefully sweetie...


Niggas always find a way to fuck up a good thing.

They'd fuck up a wet dream if you let them.

They'll hate on you when you doing good, they'll hate on you when you doing bad.

You do you, don't let a bunch of ignorant muthafuckas dictate how you live your life.

Tell them to eat a dick!

Now sleep tight Honey Bun...

Thank you all.

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In Defense of Miss Ciara Harris...

In honor of my birthday today, instead of you giving me presents, I want us to give Ciara the benefit of the doubt, but first let's go back in time.

Picture it.

October 7, 2008.

Ciara releases the "Go Girl" video. The video featured a brand new Ciara with a brand new style ("new style" these days means black hair dye), and hot choreography which took me back to the days when all it took was a good dance breakdown to entertain me. And if that wasn't enough, it had T-Pain.

T muthafuckin' Pain!

"Go Girl" was going to be that song, the "big hit" that transformed Ciara into the worldwide mainstream star she deserved to be. Yes, Ciara was finally about to breakthrough and become the new queen of the industry.

Then one week later...all hell broke loose.

Such is the life of an R&B female artist in the 21st Century. Just when you think you're about to beat Beyonce, she sneaks up on you from behind, grabs you by your drawstring ponytail, and smashes your face into the ground, over and over again until you are forced to retreat back into the studio and try again.

Ciara did retreat back into the studio and 6 months later we have "Love, Sex, Magic" which is low on love and magic, but heavy on the sex. Not that the sex part is that believeable. Justin and Ciara have about as much chemistry as Beyonce and Mike Meyers in Austin Powers... Or Beyonce and Cuba Gooding Jr. in Fighting Temptations, or Beyonce and Adrian Brody in Cadillac Records.(SIDEBAR: Can we write Beyonce a hot Monster's Ball love scene or something? I know she's married but I need passion! Beyonce needs to make us feel like she wants the dick! That's what wins Oscars!)

But I digress...

Today I come to you not to criticize but to help our sister-in-Christ Miss Ciara Harris. My first memory of Ciara was on 106 and Park, November 2004. Ciara will admit that she's not the best singer, but on stage at 106 and Park she sounded good, looked great and hit all the moves, and seemed genuinely interested in putting on a good show. Not since Sasha Fierce had I been that impressed by a new artist that early in their career and I remember saying to myself: "This chick might be competition".

5 Years later Ciara is opening for Britney Spears and hasn't made a hit has big as "Goodies". It seems as though she wants a Beyonce-esque level of fame and success but doesn't seem to know how to make that happen. For everything Beyonce does, Ciara seems to do a smaller scale version.

Beyonce gets Oscar buzz in Cadillac Records.

Ciara does a straight-to-DVD movie.

Beyonce starts a clothing line and becomes Thierry Mugler's muse

Ciara models Rocawear.

Beyonce releases a multi-platinum album and has 5 songs on the charts at the same time...

Ciara...well...she just can't get right.

Before you fix your mouth to say "Not everybody wants to be like Beyonce", let me just tell you that you're a garbage-mouthed liar. Nobody dreams of being in the music industry and says "One day I want to be semi-famous and be #4 behind 3 another chicks." and for anyone of them to say they wouldn't want to trade places with Beyonkadonk, I would have to believe that they are lying.

But it takes more to being Beyonce than shaking your ass or picking the right removable hair pieces. So today Wig Crypt presents to you:

4 Ways Ciara Can Beat Beyonce (or at least become #2)

#1. Make Us Want To Be You As Much As You Want to Be Beyonce

"Love, Sex, Magic" is cute but not catchy. It will not inspire any dances or YouTube videos. The club won't go crazy when the DJ plays it. President Obama won't quote it in any of his speeches. On Halloween, if a bunch of tangy-ass 7 year old boys came to my door dressed in leotards with Reynolds Wrap foil on their hand I would know automatically that they are dressed as Miss Sasha Fierce in 'Single Ladies'. If another bunch of tangy-ass 7 year old boys came to my door dressed like this:


I wouldn't know what to make of it.

Me: What are you kids supposed to be? Thundercats?
Gay Kids: No...
Me: Gay Cheetahs?
Gay Kids: No....
Me: Gay Crackheads?
Gay Kids: No...
Me: Gay Crackhead Cheetahs?
Gay Kids: No...We're Ciara!
Me: (slams door)

Beyonce has given us a BUNCH of universally recognized dances and styles. "Put a ring on it" and "To The Left..." have become apart of daily language. To be Beyonce you need to be able to influence the way people talk, dress, and they kind of feminine hygiene products they buy. If you're going to be a female version of a hustla, your impact needs to reach far beyond the music.

#2. Stop Trying to Remind Us That You Have a Vagina

When "Goodies" came out and it was rumored that Ciara was born with a big floppy nutsack it was probably one of the worst and unfair internet rumors ever (you hateful internet bitches!). Since that time Ciara has tried her hardest to prove once and for all that she in fact does have a couple of holes down there. Whether it was that awkwardness with 50 Cent, her "relationship" with Bow Wow, busting it open and getting loose on the cover VIBE, or molesting Justin Timberlake on camera it has been a constant and deliberate effort to prove that she likes boys but is not one.

Beyonce has never had to prove her femininity because no has ever accused Beyonce of having a penis. Beyonce may be a big drag queen but it is a known fact that she is 100% certified Starkist Tuna fish. Ain't no balls down there. She's a whole lotta woman.

#3. Make That Money, Don't Let Make You

As I said on day one of Beyonceitis, "women in music have been slinging pussy since Tina was rolling on the river with Ike", so Ciara making her cooch fart in Justin Timberlake's face doesn't really bother me. But in my eyes female sexuality has almost been more powerful when it's the female who's in charge and defining her sexuality on her terms rather than relying on a man to define it.


- Janet Jackson was wrecking shit at the Superbowl Halftime show up until she relinquished control of her show to Justin Timberlake. He may have added mainstream relevance, but he walked away with her career.

- In "Love, Sex, Magic," Ciara was there for solely Justin's pleasure, singing Justin's song, rolling around in cages and licking him and grabbing his nuggets like she ain't got no damn home training. He may have added mainstream relevance, but we still don't have a better sense of who Ciara is.

- Beyonce, on the other hand, had Justin running around the set of Saturday Night Live with his ass hanging out dancing behind her, doing HER choregraphy to a song that she had already made famous. Beyonce didn't need any mainstream relevance.

Get the picture?

#4. Be Nice To Sasha Fierce and her Followers

When Ciara first came out she said that it was Destiny's Child that influenced her to get into show business.

Let's just be honest. It was BEYONCE that influenced her to get into show business, (I'm sure Michelle Williams dancing awkwardly in the background wasn't what led her to that epiphany).

Since that time Ciara (and a whole lot of other R&B/Pop broads) have been trying to distance themselves from Beyonce's influence on them even after admitting that Beyonce was the one who inspired them to dip it, pop it, twerk it, and/or stop it.

Maybe if Ciara would talk honestly about Queen Creole's influence on her career it would appease those nutty Beyonce stans who don't like it if an artist so much as looks at Beyonce cockeyed. If we learned anything from the Keri Hilson episode of this show you DON'T want to make Beyonce stans angry. They're the ones who keep Beyonce afloat, what makes you think they can't make (or break) you?

We hated on Ne-Yo for having the audacity to take credit for a song he wrote.

We hated on Aretha and Etta James for trying to bait Tina Knowles into a Senior Citizen Slap Boxing Match.

We hated on Keri Hilson for maybe, sorta, kinda, dissing Beyonce in a song.

And we hated on Rihanna just for being born.

We almost started to hate on Ciara for that "If I Were a Boy"/ "Like a Boy" controversy. But that really didn't take off they way I hoped it would.

The point is, us Beyonce stans Sasha Fierce Support Representatives, don't care who you are a legend or a C-list R&B chick. If you cross our Queen, that's your ass. But if you give glory to the wonderful name of Sasha Fierce we'll buy 4 copies of your album.

Because I understand that it's hard to put creativity on a deadline, I won't continue to belabor the numerous pushbacks and delays of Ciara's 3rd album, and I'll reserve total judgment until her album comes out, whenever it comes out...IF it comes out. I hope she can pull it together. I don't want to officially put Ciara on the "Beyonceitis Victims" list, because there's still room for her in the industry, and there are artists less talented than who have achieved more success. I just hope everything works out and the wait was worth it because she deserves better.

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Simply Deep

WARNING! This topic has a lot of words. I tried to make it short as possible, but if reading is not fundamental to you then do not scroll down. If you're from BeyonceWorld you shouldn't scroll down because I say a few nice things about people other than Beyonce and I know how much you people hate that. Click that red x at the top of your screen, and don't come back. Fuck you very much.


"I dumb down for my audience and double my dollars
they criticize me for it; but they all yell 'holla!"


First, let me start by saying that I don't need a scientific study to tell me that Beyonce fans are dumb. I told you that 2 years ago. That's not to say that ALL Beyonce fans are dumb. I am a fan Sasha Fierce Support Representative, and I think I'm kinda smart sometimes. I can spell my name and I can read real good. I got a 1220 out of a 1600 on my SAT. I went to a summer camp for gifted kids. I have many leatherbound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. I didn't finish college, but it has nothing to do with intelligence and certainly not with Beyonce. I grew up with the expectation that if you're smart, you go to college, and if you go to college, you get a good job, and somehow through hard work and gumption you become Bill Gates. Well I learned that in real life it doesn't always work that way. I learned that my intelligence and my life were not to be defined by what I was supposed to be doing, or what people expected me to do, but rather my experiences and my choices. I had to learn the difference between being educated and being intelligent. And while you can educate a person, you can't make a person intelligent. Intelligence, in my opinion, is something you either have or you don't.

Because of that I was slightly offended at the thought that the kind of music I listen to is somehow related to how smart I am. I have always felt that our taste in music says more about our moods and our life experiences than it does about our actual intelligence. Music is very important to me, but the music I listen to may or may not paint the most complete picture of the person I truly am.

For example, my brother will shoot everybody in the comment section, but if you go to his Myspace page the song playing is "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers. The reason why is because he's going through a breakup (his girlfriend came and took all her shit, she took the TV too, even told him the baby wasn't his. It was quite a comedic and Colored spectacle.) My brother's song choice was not influenced by his intelligence or his need to adhere the common perception of what a "thug" is supposed to listen to, but rather by his current life experience. His heart is broken. He hurts. That is the song that expresses that. Music can inspire and uplift your life but there has to be a life already there.

I guess this is the part of the show where I start naming a list of artists that I listen to show you how deep and eclectic I am. Let's go through my iPod. These are the most played songs on my iPod. You probably assumed that Beyonce would be in all the slots. You may see Beyonce a few times. You may see a couple of songs from Beyonceitis victims. You may even see songs from your co-worker at Target:


To me this playlist doesn't say that I'm "smart" or "dumb". It says that I am a little different. I didn't do what the fast "girls" do. It says that I've had my heart broken, but I still believe in love and all that it can do for you. It says that I like synthesizers and thick vocal arrangements. It says "Imma buy you a drank and take you home with me, but no I don't want your number, and no I don't wanna give you mine, and I bet you want the goodies, I bet you thought about it, but if liked it you shoulda put a ring on it, but if you don't want me then don't don't talk to me because I can have another you in a minute because the milkshake still bring 'em to the yard...damn right it's better than yours."

All of these artists and genres co-exist in my iPod with no problem. The only issues I have is when I put my iPod on shuffle and a Kirk Franklin song comes on, and when it goes off the next thing I hear is "All you ladies pop your pussy like this". So I made a separate playlist for my gospel and spiritual songs. I think King Jesus likes it better that way.

But I digress...

I'm writing today not just because of the scientific study, but because of the fact that it brings up an age-old Beyonce argument: "smart" versus "dumb" "real" versus "fake". "deep" versus "shallow", and the fact I may have lost a friend over the "Video Phone" song. Yes, Beyonce's 'Video Phone" has ended one of my friendships. First of all let me just say I don't like or dislike "Video Phone".To me it's a catchy little ditty. Nothing more. Nothing less. But it sparked a heated conversation, which went something like this:

Friend: Why is she talking about stripping over a cell phone? That's not her life. It's just not necessary. Why does she feel the need to dumb things down?

Me: I mean it's just a song...what about the "I Am..." side of the album? You said liked those songs right?

Friend: Yes, but that's just a marketing gimmick.

Me: So let me get this straight. If Beyonce tries to produce a hit then she's "dumbing it down". If she tries to sing a song which may actually speak to her life then it's just a marketing gimmick. So she's either dumbing it down or a marketing gimmick?

Friend: Why can't she just sing songs that are true to her life?

Me: If she sang songs that pertained directly to her life then it would an album about her growing up in upper middle class Houston, TX, and the fact that she has more money than all of us put together, and that she never even saw a man's tenders before she saw Jay-Z naked. That would be kinda boring don't you think? She rides a Maybach but a lot of her fans take the bus to work. Why not speak to the people who buy her music, not as a superstar, but as a person, regardless of whether it comes directly from her life or not, why not produce music that regular people can relate to? Why do you focus on a song about stripping over a video phone? Why not focus on the song where she says that any man worth your time should want to be a committed relationship with you. Or the song where she says that whether or not you have a man or not you should still be your own best friend?

Friend: Because it's not real.


Because I don't think it's possible to form an accurate opinion of a person's intelligence or their life by the music they listen to, I can't possibly form an completely accurate opinion of a person's life or intelligence by the music they produce.

To better understand this, let's take a page from that great Negro poet Clifford Harris. Here's an excerpt from an interview he did with VIBE magazine in August 2007.

VIBE: People look to you to lead. Do you feel like you are in a position to talk about things of substance? Would you?

T.I.: I don't know how much more in my business people want to be. I don't know how much more in my business I want people to be. I heard from Diana Ross that you gotta save some from yourself. I couldn't argue with her. There are so many people to accommodate...

When the interviewer asked him about "T.I. vs. T.I.P." being a "commercial" album T.I. responded:

"Hopefully we'll get more Chevy commercials out of it. This is a business. I'm not going to cut off my nose to spite my face. Some of my best songs most of my fans have never even heard. For your own self-gratification you make the songs you want to make around those other songs..."

To put that in Sasha Fierce terms, for every "Halo", Beyonce does a "Diva", for every "Me, Myself, and I" she must do a "Check On It".

T.I. said he refuses to "cut off his nose to spite his face". Bringing that back into Sasha Fierce terms, Beyonce COULD do an album full of "Halos" or "Me, Myself, and I's" to quiet the critics (and her fans) who question her artistic integrity, but let's just be truthful, critical acclaim does NOT pay the bills (try and take a good review to the leasing office on the 15th and see how long you stay in your apartment). She could also make an album of "Check On Its and "Divas" a bunch of trendy, club-banger, made-for-iTunes, ringtone-ready songs, but that's clearly not what she wants to do, and you must ask yourself as a stan of whatever artist you stan for: Would rather that artist succeed at doing music they don't want to do or flop with an album doing exactly what they wanted to do?

People complain about the "shallowness" of music today. Music ain't like it was "back in the day". Well part of the reason is that music is not received the way it was "back in the day". No matter how "deep" any of us think we are, we still look at music more than we listen to it. Erykah Badu said something really powerful that spoke on this issue, she said: "I discovered I'm in a world full of personality worshippers: People aren't looking for a savior. They're looking for someone who looks like one."

She was speaking on this preconceived notion about how a "real" artist is supposed look, act, dress, and sound. Over 10 years ago, right after her first album had dropped and some of her fans were upset that her dreads were actually extensions. I mean a "real" artist has "real" hair... right?

I guess Erykah longs for a world where we could listen to music free from our preconceived notions about what "real music" is supposed to look like and how "real music" is supposed to be expressed. And she's right about us living in a world full of personality worshippers. When I ask you who your favorite artist is, I am not asking, who is the most best singer, the best dancer, or even who's the most naturally talented, what I am asking is if you were famous which one of these tricks would you like to be? Who would you most like to be friends with? Perhaps if we lived in a world where we judged Erykah's music based on the content instead of what is under her head wrap, or how she conducts her personal life, we could kill this "real" versus "fake" argument once and for all.

I've grown tired of the misuse of the words "real" and "deep". To me "real' is whatever applies to you at that particular moment. If your heart is broken and you need 'Irreplaceable" to pull you out of it then that's real for you. If you need a little self-esteem boost and want to listen to "Diva" that's real for you. If you want to bend over in front a bathroom mirror and send the pictures to your boyfriend then "Video Phone" may be the realest shit ever created. I can't say which one of these songs will go down in history as classics because classic means that it withstands the test of time, and in order for me to know that would mean that I have a time machine which can see into the future. I don't, and I'm willing to guess that you don't either. Not all current classics were deemed classics out of the gate. Not everything mainstream is bad, and not everything underground is good. It simply boils down to what speaks to you at that particular time.

In trying to make Beyonce "real' we may be trying to make her something she's not. and maybe it wasn't just a smart "marketing gimmick" to split her album in half. Maybe Beyonce realized that people's lives are not so simple that one artist, one song, one album, or one style is going to say everything we want to hear ALL the time. That's why we can pull a little bit from everybody. The great thing about it is that if Beyonce isn't saying what I want to hear, maybe Alicia is, and if she doesn't have the words, maybe Keyshia does, or Erykah, or Kanye, Rihanna, or Keri, or Solange. The great thing about life and iPods is that there's more than enough space for variety. Not one artist can be all things to all people no matter how multi-talented they are. There are many of different people with many different life experiences, and many different songs to go along with it.

Maybe Beyonce has heard the "real" versus "fake" argument a thousand times and in spite of it she still sings about swinging her thong around on her video phone, or about her kitty kat, or about how much of a diva she is. Despite all the pressure and the criticism, she makes exactly the kind of music she wants to make, how she wants to make it, when she wants to make it. Isn't that what a "real" artist would do?

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With Tears In My Eyes I Write This...


I usually don't post videos that have been picked up by major blogs because I feel like that if it's a Beyonce-related video then you hardcore stans (and haters) would have sniffed it out the second it was uploaded on YouTube like a dog at the airport, and I don't see the point in posting a video that you have probably already seen. But never in my 22 years (23 in 2 weeks) has a video so accurately, completely, and passionately described my pain and frustration as a stan Sasha Fierce Support Representative. This video IS Beyonceitis in a 4 minute nutshell:

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YouTube Hits 100 Milli

It was announced today that YouTube set a new record when they had over 100 million viewers in the month of January in the United States.

97 million of those viewers were Beyonce haters.

Because I am a rising entre-po-niggra I am always trying to find ways to expand my biznass and get more people to my blog. I guess I could go to BeyonceWorld and advertise there, but if you recall I AM STILL BANNED!. So I decided to interview YouTube's Marketing Research Director Heywood Jablomi to see how YouTube has become so successful. Here are excerpts from our interview:

Me: So how have Beyonce haters generated so many YouTube hits?

Heywood Jablomi: Our market research shows that Beyonce haters operate under the assumption that EVERYBODY wants to hear about their hate of Beyonce. Instead of trying promote music they they do like, they feel the need to bring Beyonce's name up in real-life situations that have absolutely nothing to do with her.

They bring her up in videos that are NOT related to her:



They bring her name up when they pay rent:


They even bring her name up when they give tithes and offerings to the Lord:


Some of them are even so sad and pitiful that they register on Beyonce-related message boards, with hardcore Beyonce stans and hate on her.

Me: But that doesn't make any sense. If you don't like Beyonce why would you spend time at a place filled with her pictures, her music, and people who love her more than life. That's like if I hated Pizza Hut pizza but I liked Papa John's pizza. Why would I go to Pizza Hut and tell people not to eat there. I mean, the people wouldn't already be there if they didn't like Pizza Hut, and I have just wasted my time and made myself look very stupid instead of just eating at Papa John's and going on about my business.I don't think Beyonce haters aren't that transparent.

Heywood Jablomi: Yes they are. posted a story about a possible cure to HIV. Then they posted a story which gave out an address to where people could get unlimited $100 dollar bills (no strings attached). Then they posted a story about Beyonce eating chicken nuggets. The HIV story got 3 comments. The story on how to get free $100 bills got 2 comments. The Beyonce story got 5,429,387 comments, most of which were negative. We're not sure how a person can find something negative about a person eating chicken nuggets, but I'll be damned if they didn't find a way. Haters complain about her being overexposed yet they can't keep her name out of their mouth, and will not miss an opportunity to click on a link with the word "Beyonce" in it. We at YouTube used this to our advantage.

Me: How?

Heywood Jablomi: We create fake Beyonce hater accounts. We have dozens of fake accounts with names like: "Beyonceisfake" "Beyonceisabitch" "IHateBeyonce" "BeyonceSucks".

Me: What's the point of doing that?

Heywood Jablomi: We have found that creating fake hater accounts attract real haters and real stans. Some stans spend more time looking for haters than they do looking for actual Beyonce videos. And when they find them, the stans take the links back to message boards, and they bring back about 1000 people to YouTube. And those 1000 people (most of whom are undercover stans of other artists) take those links to other artists message boards, and they take them put it on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, YourSpace, YoMamaSpace, GaySpace, and anybody who will listen to them. Then they bring 1000 people, and those 1000 people bring 1000 people, and so on, and so on...

Me: Wait a minute. Why would a Beyonce stan take a Beyonce hater link to a Beyonce message board. Why would they promote hate of Beyonce?

Heywood Jablomi: I don't know. Common sense goes out of the window when dealing with Beyonce. I guess they think that they can convert the hater into a stan. But as Kanye West so eloquently stated "Hater niggas marry hater bitches and have hater kids." Hate starts in the womb. Hate is embedded in our DNA, it's genetic. People are born that way. You can help it and you can't change it. Embrace it. We at YouTube have just found a way to make money from it. We have made billions and billions of dollars of Beyonce haters and stans.

Me: I see... Well... Can I hold something?

Heywood Jablomi: Umm. no.

Me: Oh. Well, what do you think would happen if Beyonce stans minded their business and stayed at BeyonceLand, and Beyonce haters took their hateful energy for Beyonce and transformed into love for somebody else. The energy they use to hate, what if they used it to promote other artists, buy their albums, request their songs at the radio. It takes all of about 30 seconds to buy a song on iTunes, but a "Beyonce Had Plastic Surgery" video takes at least an hour. What if everybody just minded their business and worried only about the things they liked, instead hating on the things they didn't like?

Heywood Jablomi: The whole damn internet would shut down...

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Battle of the Divas: Round 2

Keri... (sigh) what are you so angry about honey? 9 times out 10 the female you were referring to in your little verse was not the one responsible for your album
getting pushed back 54 times (as I predicted).

I'm usually not one to get into artist beefing. To me it's silly, childish, and honestly, I feel that if you have enough confidence in yourself, your talent, and the product you're trying to sell then you should not try to get publicity by taking cheap shots at people. Some people still seem to be confused as to whether or not Keri Hilson is talking about Beyonce. Well I'm here to end all speculation.

She is talking about Beyonce! And it's just as plain as the wig on her head.

"Your vision cloudy if you think that you da best/You can dance/she can sing/but need to move it to the le...(Don't do it to 'em shawty!)/She need to go have some babies/she need to sit down she fake/them other chicks ain't even worth talkin bout..."

Are you still confused?

Let's eliminate other suspects:

Alicia Keys

Your vision cloudy if you think that you da best: Alicia is one of the best we have, but she has never made a "big deal" about of it.

You can dance: Alicia is not known for her dancing.

She can sing: Yes she can.

She need to go have some babies: With that other woman's husband? LOL

She need to sit down she fake: Alicia is real. She plays the piano, she writes books and stuff, she's from New York, she has extensions in her hair, bamboo earrings, At least 2 pair. [1]

Janet Jackson

Your vision cloudy if you think that you da best: She's a legend, but doesn't go around broadcasting it. This would be aimed more towards Janet stans than Janet.

You can dance: Sorta kinda...she can't hit that Stanky Leg like she used to back in the day but she still got some moves.

She can sing: Not really. Nope.

She need to go have some babies: She's no longer in her optimal child-bearing years.

She need to sit down she fake: I don't know... Janet might cut a bitch...


Your vision cloudy if you think that you da best: Her vision would have to be cloudy and her ears would have to be clogged to think she was the best.

You can dance: Let's not do this.

She can sing: I told myself I would be nicer in 2009.

She need to go have some babies: Her and Cornell would make some pretty nigglets. Plus she got those child-bearing hips.

She need to sit down she fake: I don't think we can call Ashanti fake. She seems like she would be a load of fun to hang out with and hit up the outlet malls.


Your vision cloudy if you think that you da best: Wouldn't you need to release an album on time to even be considered one of the best.

You can dance: She's one of our best dancers...

She can sing: Errrr....ummm...ooooh...damn.

She need to go have some babies: Ciara does not have female reproductive organs.

She need to sit down she fake: I don't think she's fake, but that VIBE magazine cover fiasco could have been handled differently. I like CiCi, but if you're gonna toot that thang up and spread your lips apart on the cover of a national magazine be proud of it...


Your vision cloudy if you think that you da best: She has never really said she was the best.

You can dance: Fuck you, ok!

She can sing:

She need to go have some babies: Maybe she can have a daughter. It's always nice to have a homegirl to help you fight.

She need to sit down she fake: She's probably one of the most image-driven artists in history, but I wouldn't say she's fake.


Your vision cloudy if you think that you da best: Jay-Z calls her the hottest chick the game. President and First Lady Obama, Chris Martin, Tina Turner, and millions of fans around the world co-sign.

You can dance: Yes she can, and anybody who says different is a damn hater!

She can sing: Yes she can, and anybody who says different is a damn hater!

She need to go have some babies: She's already pregnant. I read it at BeyonceWorld.

She need to sit down she fake: I mean just because she don't fuck for tracks, or do illegal shit in parking lots, or have 6 babies fathers, or hasn't smoked up all her royalty checks doesn't make her fake...but I understand...

By process of elimination we can deduce that Miss Hilson was talking about our Saviour Queen Creole. And that's fine by me. But I just wish people would name names and stop talking out the side of their neck. If you bold enough to talk shit, be bold enough to name names and get the ass-whoopin that comes along with it. I'm not really mad. Everybody is entitled to their opinion, but when I get home Imma call Solange, Tina and Big Lil' Baby D. And we they get ahold the mess that was said... somebody's album and wig are gonna get pushed back.

But let's give Keri the benefit of the doubt and assume for a minute that she's NOT talking about Sasha. What's the point? Her album is still going to debut at #776, and now she has gone and aliented sensitve ass Ciara and Beyonce stans. If I were a new artist I would be trying to steal as many artists' fans as possible, not piss them off. I would be on 106 and Park talking about how much I loved Beyonce, Ciara, Rihanna, LaToya, Kima, Keisha, and Pam, even if in the back of my mind I couldn't stand those bitches. The reason why is because at this point in the game and your career you can't afford to lose potential album sales.

And why is it that it's always artists of questionable talent and relevance that's taking shots at people. For once I would like to see Alicia Keys call out Beyonce. Or Jill Scott try to tittybox Erykah Badu. Those would be REAL battles. Keri Hilson versus Beyonce is laughable. Keri doesn't have half of Beyonce' stage presence or vocal talent, and damn sure not her record sales. I'm sure her album will be good, but it better be since she's been working on it since Clinton was in office. To sum up my point, it's ok to be angry about the your album getting pushed back, but you shouldn't talk like that until you can back it up.

[1] Name that tune.

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Battle of the Divas: Round 1

This spring it will be a diva showdown between Britney and Beyonce as both pop queens are going on tour, and in some cities they are playing the same venues within days of each other. Because of this there are undoubtedly going to be comparisons between the 2 shows so the relevant and unbiased people at went to Britney's opening night and then went to Beyonce's rehearsal to compare the two
shows. Here's their reviews:

Here's MTV's review of Britney's new show.

Here's MTV's review of Beyonce's new show.

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