I Am... Disgusted With All of You

Last week was pretty much one of the best weeks in Beyonce's career. She kicked off her world tour, her movie debuted at #1, Halo moved up a little bit, and she got her real estate license. I didn't go see "Obsessed". I had...um..shit to do... And by shit I mean not sit beside your country ass while you yelled "Whoop her ass Beyonce!" at the screen for 2 hours. My nerves can't take it. People were yelling at the screen during Toyota Cadillac Records, so I can only imagine the kind of niggatry going on at the Magic Johnson Theater during the 7:40PM Saturday night showing of "Obsessed"

Thank you, but no thank you.

Sorry for my absence. Actually I'm not sorry. I hate all of you today. I am sincerely and completely disgusted with each and every one of you. I really was going to wait to write a new passage until my life settled down, but I know you got tired of coming to the blog and seeing Miss Man Thing.

But nonetheless, here's why I hate you all:

1. I Am...Disgusted With Ticketmaster.

First of all congratulations to Beyonchichi on the success of her tour. What the other niggra blogs will not tell you is that last weekend she sold more concert tickets than any other solo artist in the industry, the only acts that sold more tickets were U2 and Aerosmith, and U2 is playing 70,000-seat stadiums, so all stanning aside that's a good look for urban music tours in general which historically have not done as well as their white counterparts. And if you hypocritical blogging bitches would report the WHOLE truth, and not the lies or half truths that other record companies pay you to write, then you would know that.

But I digress...

So anyway, I log on Saturday morning to get my tickets to see Beyonce in DC. Then Ticketmaster gives me this message:

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You tangy bastards took all the good seats within an hour. I had good seats at the Beyonce Experience, the Janet concert, and the Alicia Keys concert, and I REALLY wanted those on-stage seats where you're close enough to get Beyonce's lacefront sweat on you. I refuse to spend $95 to sit all the way out in the damn parking lot to where Beyonce and her dancers look like a bunch of bedazzled ants.

2. I Am...Disgusted With Beyonce's "Friendship" with Rihanna

So I'm watching Beyonce's interview on Larry King Live on YouTube (Jesus has not yet formed a fence around my Comcast Cable situation). As usual Larry King looked like death sucking on a lifesaver.

I can tell he was horny for Beyonce, well, as much as a 274-year-old man can get horny. Beyonce was her usual cheery self, answering all the questions, showing everything she learned in Celestine's Creole Charm School. Smile. Sit like a lady. Answer politely. Keep a switchblade in your purse.

The highlight of the interview is when Larry asked Beyonce about her feelings about "the incident", and Beyonce said "Rihanna is like family."

As you know I am not welcome at BeyonceWorld, but I can about imagine that there was a 20 page argument about what Beyonce meant by "family".

EXAMPLE:

Beyonce Stan #1 :I know she didn't just say that.

Beyonce Stan #2: Somebody must be messing with CNN's audio.

Beyocne Stan #3: She must mean they are like family like we are all God's children, cause I know good and hell well she ain't say she was family with that bitch.

Yes, after almost 3 years of hating Rihanna, rolling our eyes at Rihanna, making voodoo dolls that look Rihanna and sticking pins in the forehead, it's hard to imagine that Beyonce and Rihanna are homegirls.

You know how I feel about Robyn. I like her music, LOVE her style, but I'm annoyed when people compare the two. In my opinion if you compare Rihanna and Beyonce then you have totally missed the point of what Beyonce is trying to do, and in many ways what Rihanna is trying to do. They are two seperate artists and should be treated as such.

Yet despite the fact that Beyonce herself said that Rihanna is family I know some of you can't picture Beyonce and Rihanna holding hands and skipping down Fifth Avenue. Or Rihanna sitting next to Cousin Bootsie and Cousin Chevron at the Dereon Family Fish Fry. But I have photographic proof that Beyonce and Rihanna are BFFs!

EXHIBIT A

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Here is Beyonce and Rihanna all up on each other at a basketball game. I thought they were going to start making out. Beyonce let Rihanna go through her wig warehouse and wear her Dreamgirls Lacefront #48. from the scene where Deena snitches on Curtis to the feds.


EXHIBIT B

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Here is a picture of several of Rihanna's 343 tattoos. She has several tatoos dedicated to Beyonce, includng the House of Dereon logo.


EXHIBIT C

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Here is a picture of Rihanna and Beyonce at Club Bucknasty in Augusta, Georgia during A Milli Mondays" The look they were going for was "low-budget" and "ass-backwards". So they hired Ciara's stylist.

I also have photos of Beyonce and Rihanna from Solange's "I Just Got My Living Room Furniture Off Layaway" Party presented by Patron Silver, and Rihanna's "The Swelling Has Gone Down" Party presented by Ciroc. But those are private.




3. I Am...Disgusted With People Spoiling the Tour.

When I spend $10 to see a movie at the picture show I DON'T want to know the ending so I will never understand why people would spend $100+ to go to concert and you know EVERY FUCKING THING that's going to happen before it happens. Half of the excitement in life is surprises. I just don't want you bitches to go to the concert and say "That show was kinda boring" Well, maybe if you hadn't spent the last four months watching it over and over on YouTube it wouldn't have been as boring, but your punk ass knew every thing that was going to happen. Some of us still like to be surprised. I have resisted the urge to watch YouTube videos of the I Am...Better Than All You Hoes World Tour (presented by Hamburger Helper) but for some reason I know quite a few details about the show, because even if you are trying NOT to be spoiled, inconsiderate ass niggas work tour details into everyday conversations:

EXAMPLE:

At the bank...

Me: I would like to make a deposit in my checking account.
Teller: Oh ok. Would you like your account balance?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Teller: Would like to see Beyonce's whole set list?
Me: NO!


4. I Am...Disgusted with Stans

One thing I have learned is that stans are never satisfied. It baffles me how Beyonce has become so famous and yet she does all the wrong things in the eyes of her stans. She picks the wrong singles, the wrong videos, the wrong outfits, her stage doesn't look like Britney's blah, blah,blah,blah, bark, bark.

Go stab yourselves. NOW!

I've been watching YouTube video's of Michael Jackson's stage shows and his sets have always been relatively simple. I guess he didn't need the clowns, monkeys, elephants, lions, tigers, and bears on stage because the thought was if your talent is big enough there isn't much room on stage for a lot other stuff. I guess it's not enough that Beyonce is #1 she has to do everything we want her to do, at the exact moment we want her to do it.



5. I Am...Disgusted with YouTube

Last week was the official death of legitimate journalism.

Really?

A hoax?

Did you really have to call America's Most Wanted, Unsolved Mysteries, Ghostbusters, and Matthew Knowles to realize that this wasn't real.

Also last week I watched Beyonce on David Letterman. Then I watched a video of someone summarizing Beyonce on David Letterman, then I watched a video of someone responding to that person summarizing Beyonce on David Letterman...It wasn't funny or witty, it was just someone describing what they saw on TV like they were 5 years old.

Like seriously?

Is all of that really necessary?

Aside from B. Scott, Alexyss Tylor, or whoever this dude is, if you are a vlogger I'm going to need you to go play in Brandy traffic.

Now.


And last, but certainly not least.

I Am... Disgusted With Beyonce!

Look at this trick:

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It's getting to the point where I just don't want to be her friend anymore. The chick is just...disgusting. It should be illegal for a person to slaughter the game this bad and this hard. If you made a list of the hottest chicks in the game it would Beyonce and big ass space and then random ass chicks in no particular order because nobody cares about them. In the midst of the hit movie, the hit tour, the hit singles, and the hit album I realized that Beyonce's competition is not to be found in the current crop of pop/R&B chickens. We're going to have to go to a laboratory and create a group of bionic, killer robot R&B, singing, dancing, acting, Nintendo-selling bitches. That's the only way to beat Beyonce. Either that or Beyonce's competition hasn't been born yet.


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STOP THE TRACK! Beyonce is Not God!



I've just received word from YouTube, that Beyonce, is NOT in fact God.

So all those tithes and offerings you made in the name of Sasha Fierce went to Matthew's child support.

And when you caught the spirit at the Beyonce Experience you were actually having a small stroke.

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you.

Hopefully there's a support group that you can join where you can pick up the pieces and move on with your life.


(SIGH)


If it smells like tang and titty sweat today it's because we have more plus-sized YouTube queenery.

But first, let me start by saying that I have a love/hate with YouTube. On a serious and personal note I grew up watching anything and everything that had anything to do with music and I would record any concert, award show, tv show or whatever, and about 5 years ago I lost all of my belongings including my large music and video collection, and because of YouTube I get to watch videos that I thought I would never see again. So it gives me the chance to discover and re-discover great music. YouTube fuckery has gotten me through many a dark day, and most importantly without YouTube, I don't know how else I would have discovered this woman. She is the air that I breathe, the highlight of my life, and I feel that she is the highlight of yours too.

On the other hand, there's a part of YouTube that makes my ass itch. I am all for self-expression and freedom of speech. Although I snap for the kids part-time I can't sit through a lot of the lisping, hissing, and spraying that fills most tangy YouTube videos. I like that we live in a world where even the most ignorant and homely-looking individuals can have wide platform to express their opinions live and direct from their dorm room/grandma's living room, but I wish people's opinions had some kind of basis in fact as opposed to insecurity and bias.

In today's video, Juicy goes on a 10 minute monologue about how Beyonce ain't no diva. He says Alicia Keys is a diva, Janet Jackson is a diva, and Mary J. Blige is a diva, but for some reason Sasha Fierce just doesn't make him moist.

The basis of this video is around the concept that there's something about Beyonce that is arrogant, aloof, and bitchy. We've been talking about this since Matthew sent LeToya and LaTavia back to the Jack in the Box drive-thru window, but I guess it's still relevant in 2009.

It bothers me that people will sit down and make a 10 minute video before they do 3 mintues of research which prevents them from looking stupid, and the facts that are in this video are wrong at best. Keri Hilson has NEVER written a song that has appeared on a Beyonce album. And I need a link to where Kanye West says he doesn't care about his fans. If I recall correctly he says sometimes he wishes he didn't have as many fans because he feels limited creatively, but we discussed that in the "commerical" versus "artistic" thesis paper.

The truth is that 99% of us will never hang out with Beyonce or get to know her for who she TRULY is. We can only assume. Beyonce may be the sweetest person in the world. Beyonce may eat puppies and punch small children. No one truly knows. All I know to be true is that tramp entertains me. Period. And I said it before and I'll say it again, I am not paying you to be my friend. I am not paying for your comeback story, I'm not paying for your personality, or because I feel sorry for you. I am paying you to entertain me, so put that wig on and shake an asscheek.

I know we like to pretend like we know everything about people on TV, but if we have learned anything this year is to not assume that we know anything about anyone. Just take these people as entertainers and you won't set your self up for disappointment.

I have never understood when a person says I don't like (insert name) If you don't like their music that's fine. But until you spend extended amount of your time with them you will never know them, so any opinion you may have is based on your on insecurity about who you are.

And Beyonce isn't the only artist with crazy stans. But people like point and pick at Beyonce's stans to make it seem like she's only successful in the minds of a bunch of crazy people, but in reality she wouldn't be who she is if people aside from hardcore stans didn't care about her.

Regardless of that foolishness, in honor of Miss Diva Bacon Deluxe's YouTube's masterpiece I will be giving away free tickets[1] to the I Am...Sasha Fierce Tour (sponsored by Hamburger Helper and Summer's Eve Feminine Wipes)

In order to win the tickets you have to find ALL of the items on this list:

1. You must find me a picture of Beyonce with a female with at least 3 more Grammys than she does.

2. You must find me a video of a Destiny's Child performance where Michelle is in the middle for at least 2 minutes.

3. You must find me a picture of Julez giving Beyonce a side-eye.

4. You must find me a picture of Cousin Angie in a shade of lipstick besides Freakum Red.

5. You must find me a picture or video of an attractive person hating on Beyonce.

6. You must find me a picture of a popular NBA or NFL player with a brown-skinned or dark skinned girlfriend or wife (I'm yellow and it even bothers me sometimes)

7. You must find me a video of an Ashanti performance where she does NOT pat her weave.

8. You must find me a picture of Beyonce wearing horiztontal stripes.

9. You must do a screencap of a message board or YouTube post where a Beyonce stan says something nice about Rihanna.

10. I need a video of Britney Spears singing and dancing live at the same time... in heels at least 5 inch high.


[1] TERMS AND CONDITIONS - I am not actually giving tickets to see Beyonce. Get the fuck outta here. I just have nothing else to do with my time. I plan to see her when she comes up here but she got me all fucked up if she think Imma pay $1000 to take her a picture with her trick-ass. For $1000 she better sing every song from I Am...Sasha Fierce, B-Day, and do a one-woman show of the Dreamgirls movie, then we're going to take a long walk around the park after dark, and cook me dinner. Then let my mama go wig shopping with her mama, give my sister microbraids, give my brother a lapdance, and give me 45 minutes unsupervised on her back-up dancers' tour bus.


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In Defense of Keri Hilson



I came across this video today as I was getting bodied by the spirit of Fresh.

If you are at work, or on your mobile phone, or if your high speed internet situation ain't really what's poppin' this month, I'll recap this video as only I can.

So Skorpian, this hot piece of sessual chocolate, this young man heard that Keri Hilson would be signing copies of her CD in between her shifts at the record store. So he put on his durag, hitched his titties up, put gloss on his lips and squeezed into his good pair of Dereon jeans. Then him, his mom, his little sister, his Aunt James, and Uncle Shirley drove all the way across town to meet Miss Hilson.

When he gets to the record store, he is informed by management that if you buy the album you get to go in the special VIP, Diva Deluxe line and meet Keri Hilson quicker (That's some Matthew Knowles Business School shit right there). So since the album was only $1.49 he bought the album so that Keri could sign it.

So he's standing in the line waiting to meet Keri Hilson, and when he gets up there Keri's personal assistant says "Miss Hilson is not speaking today she is resting her voice for a performance.

OH WORD? Is she saving it for the Keri Hilson Experience?

Let's keep it 100. "Turning Me On" is not exactly "Dangerously in Love Parts 3, 4, and 5", and there is NO song in Keri Hilson's catalogue that requires more than a screech or a moan, so I'm not sure exactly what Keri was saving her vocal chords for, but Tangmaster Jay up there was starting to get annoyed by Miss Hilson's diva behavior.

What finally overcooked Waymon's neckbones was when Keri would not personalize the CD. She only signed "Love, Keri", and then told him to slide to the left.

First of all let me say I can relate to Holiday's anger towards Keri. The time and hair gel he spent to go meet Keri Hilson cannot be replaced, not to mention the money he spent on her CD and then after all of that drama he leaves the store feeling like a groupie who was wasting Keri's precious time. But let's look at this another way.

There are 4 levels of fame in 2009.

LEVEL 1 - Myspace/YouTube famous
LEVEL 2 - BET Famous
LEVEL 3 - MTV Famous
LEVEL 4 - Old White People Know Who You Are

Beyonce of course is on Level 4, and so many of you hoes, people act like you don't know that. Beyonce is Beyonce anywhere in the world whether you're at the Gucci store in Paris or $5 Indian Hair and Check Cashing store in Decatur, Georgia. Keri Hilson is barely BET famous, so you may not understand what gives her the right to act in such a way, but in defense of Keri and the other Beyonceitis victims, let me just say it is not easy being a C or D list celebrity. From my personal experience C and D list celebrities are more self-centered than A-list celebrities because there's always the question of "Do you know who I am?". Beyonce and other A-listers rarely have to ask "Do you know who I am" because people already know.

I am going to give Keri the benefit of the doubt and assume that either she was sick or was just not having a fierce day, but I can imagine Beyonce stans are gloating about this. We should all remember that everybody has a bad day, even semi-celebrities, so here are examples of incidents when Beyonce was a little rude to her fans:


From ImmaADivo:

"I met Beyonce in December 2008, right after "I Am..Sasha Fierce" came out. She was trying to shop in New York City and she had her wig pulled low and she had on her sunglasses so I knew that she didn't want to be seen or bothered, so being the kind and considerate fan that I am I screamed "EVERYBODY LOOK! IT'S BEYONCE" So I went over to meet her and she was nice and sweet and gave me a hug. She signed my "I Am..Sasha Fierce" CD, she signed my "B'Day" CD, my "Live from Wembley" DVD, my "Writings on the Wall" CD, she signed my copy of LeToya's first CD, and she co-signed on my car lease. I explained to her that my grandma was a big fan of hers and was in the hospital and I asked her if she would go visit my grandmother in the hospital and she said yes. Then she asked me where in New York City my grandmother was and I said my grandma lives in Nigeria. So Beyonce flew to Nigeria and visited my grandmother in the hospital. Then my grandmother asked her to sing a song for her, and Beyonce said "Sure, what song do you want me to sing?" Then my grandmother said "Could you perform the whole damn Beyonce Experience for me?" So Beyonce performed the entire Beyonce Experience in my grandmother's hospital room, and did a good job except for one thing. She cut the Destiny's Child medley short. I think it was very rude and inconsiderate of Beyonce to cut the Destiny's Child medley, I mean Destiny's child is what made her and now that she got a little fame she act like she too good to do her old songs. I love Beyonce, but I don't think I'll ever look at her the same way.

From HaloHomo1981:

I needed a kidney, and Beyonce agreed to let me have one of hers. When the doctor's removed her kidney I asked her to autograph the kidney for me and she said, she wasn't sure if it was safe to sign a kidney. See this is what's wrong with celebrities these days. They are so stuck up they can't take 2 seconds of their time to sign the kidneys they give to their fans. You need to come back down to reality Beyonce and realize that it's the fans who make you who you are. I'm never buying another one of yours albums, but thanks for the kidney.


From Noelle:

I have been a Beyonce fan since 1981. I even camped outside the hospital when I heard she was born. I have every CD, DVD, and Cassette, I've gone to every tour, I seen all of her movies at least 8 times, I have spent thousands of dollars on L'Oreal, Samsung Phones, Direct TV satellite dishes, Japanese bottled water, Pepsi, McDonalds, Nintendo Games, American Express cards, Audemars Piguet watches, Hermmes briefcases, Cartier tie clips, Silk-lined blazers, diamond cream facials, VVS cuff links, and six star pentsuites because Beyonce told me that I should buy it, knowing my broke ass couldn't afford it. I was a little hurt by her Beyonce's behavior when first met her. First of all I spent 3 weeks doing a painting of Beyonce breastfeeding her future child LaDereon Caprice Carter while sitting on a globe. The painting symbolizes that although Beyonce is sitting on top of the world, she is still a regular woman, who I would like to see naked. So I spent all this time on this painting and go give it her.

So I let myself in Beyonce's apartment, make myself a snack, and waited for Beyonce in her bed. I figured we could have a slumber party and do each other's hair and talk about boys and practice French kissing and all that stuff, but "Miss Diva" had other plans. When she came in a saw me naked in her bed eating up all her Hot Pockets, she started acting all very rude and stuck up and called the police and stuff. As the police dragged me out of her apartment I realized how much of a stuck-up diva Beyonce has become.

The Beyonce from back in the day would have found time to kick it with one of her fans, but Negroes these days crossover to the pop charts and they think they too good to cuddle butt naked with their stalker fans. The nerve of some people...

I'll still buy her albums and support her, I can't buy a ticket to her concert because I'm not allowed within 600 feet of her. I will always support her, but I think all this fame has started to her head.


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Testicle Difficulties

I would like to apologize for my outburst earlier. You know I usually conduct myself in a much more classy and dignified manner and I usually don't make it habit of arguing with 7 year olds, or adults who think like 7 year olds. I understand and have accepted the fact that most of what I do is preaching to the converted because the people who truly understand are not the people who need to read it. And the people who need to read it, probably can't read.

I've just been in a bad mood lately. Maybe the recession has gotten to me. I don't know. Up until last week I hadn't had sex since Solange's CD came out, and I thought that if I had sex it would help take the edge off. And I did have sex last week. Twice. I'm not saying both times were with the same person. I'm just saying...don't judge me. It was ok. On the sex scale I give them both a 6.


SEX SCALE:

1 = Get the hell off me.
2 = I guess you think that was sex...
3 = That wasn't sexy that was just nasty.
4 = Well, at least I was drunk...
5 = Don't call me, I'll call you.
6 = I might answer your text message within 48 hours.
7 = I will answer your phone call within the first 4 rings.
8 = I want to make you some grits
9 = I want to make you some pancakes
10 = You can have my debit card and PIN Number

It was ok, and I played safe (remember kids if he likes it then he will put a condom on it,) and although my neck and my back were into it, my heart wasn't in it. :(

What does this have to do with Beyonce?

Not a damn thing. Can't I just share my life with you? Why is it always about you? You selfish mofos...

Beyonce can't relate to my problem.

Beyonce sleeps under a man, on top of an expensive mattress full of money. So she wouldn't understand... that stankin' trick (and I say that with love and affection.)

As I get myself together please enjoy this YouTube fuckery:





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"Your usually funny but not this time. A couple of chuckles here and there but overall blahhh

I love beyonce dont get me wrong. but what are you stans going to do when beyonce has her flop? were not talkin about movies lmao beyonce is like the "black excuse me creole" Jennifer Anniston, she just cant get that real huge box office hit."


-------------------------------------------------

Dear Anonymous Pussy-Ass, Trick-Ass, Coward-Ass, Wack-Ass, Hypocritical-Ass Posters,

I don't expect you to respond to this. You probably typed it real fast and ran back to BeyonceWorld.

I can tell by the "lmao" that you thought you were making a joke.

Awwww. That's cute.

First of all today's post is not a "post" it's just me talking, so please don't copy and paste it (that annoys me).

I welcome constructive criticism. I'm not the type of blogger to disable the comment section or delete comments. My email address is there. You know where to find me. But when you people do this anonymous bullshit and then take off running, that's not fair. I usually don't post things like this because there's really no point, but I will play along today. I'll give you the attention that you want.

I guess you're probably wondering why I haven't bodyslammed you, or taken your IP address and tracked you down and knocked your into 2015? That's not the type of person I am. See a year ago me, Tootie, and Tay would have came to your neighborhood, brought Tootie's 1984 Pontiac Grand Prix to real slow creep and whooped every ass that was moving.

But we have evolved.

We have class.

We have dignity.

We have outstanding warrants in Georgia, North Carolina, and Virginia.

In my 7 years as a Sasha Fierce support representative I have learned that whenever somebody says "I like Beyonce but..." usually some bullshit is coming after the "but". Yes there are stans who can't take honest facts about the artists they stan for, but there are also people who secretly hate these artists who for some reason continue to dwell on their message boards for years.

But since we like to keep it real about Beyonce, let's keep it real about everybody. It's a 2-way street. I would be a hypocrite if I didn't keep it real with other artists.

Now back to your original question, "what are stans going to do when beyonce has her flop?" I guess they are gonna plan a mass suicide. When Beyonce has a her flop they will all gather at House of Dereon headquarters, eat poisoned Popeye's chicken, and go on to the Upper Room. Life would not be worth living if Beyonce has a flop.

But seriously, let me ask a question.

Name one big music star who is a HUGE movie star?

Justin Timberlake?

HUGE Star, Sells lots of albums and concert tickets, but has NEVER a big hit movie.

Alicia Keys? HUGE Star, but has never had a BIG hit at the box office and has never had to carry a movie.

Mariah Carey? You know that story.

Britney Spears was in a movie. Remember it? Didn't think so.

Madonna? 27 years in the game. Over 200 million albums sold, highest grossing tour ever by a solo artist. Has appeared in over 20 movies NOT ONE has been a huge blockbuster hit.

Rihanna?

Rebbie Jackson?

Charlie Wilson?

Omarion?

Hello?

Anybody?

Think of a star who is a HUGE box office draw and a big music star at the same time?

And if you say Hannah Montana I'm going to have Celestine kick you in the uterus. Hard. I'm serious. Stiletto pump... in... the gut... who would've thought Miss Tina would get crunk?

I don't expect "Obessesed" to do "Dark Knight" numbers, and I certainly don't expect it to win any Oscars, but compared to some other music stars, Beyonce is doing very well at the box office.

The Fighting Temptations opened respectably. Austin Powers had the highest opening weekend for a comedy. Cadillac Records did well in spite the fact that it was only showing at like 3 damn theaters across the country.

Dreamgirls grossed over $100 million at the box office. Yes we can go into the Jennifer Hudson versus Beyonce thing, but how much of that $100 million do you think came from Beyonce's fanbase versus Jennifer Hudson's fanbase?

If some of you people would read a book or do some research before running your mouths, you would learn more in one minute than you have from 5 years of sitting on a message board pretending to like Beyonce.


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U.S. Tour Dates Announced

World renowned fashion design icon Tina Knowles has announced the dates to her 2009"I Am... Going To Skull Drag You" World tour. During the tour Tina Knowles will be performing some of her greatest skull draggings, ass whoopings, and ass stompings with a few surprises. The tour kicks off in Atlanta, GA where Tina is scheduled to skull drag T-Boz, Keri Hilson, and Ciara at the Waffle House parking lot. The tour will hit Waffle House and iHop parking lots across the country with stops in Miami, Tampa, Atlanta, New Orleans, Greensboro, NC, Kansas City, Washington, DC, Baltimore, New York City, New Jersey, and Philadelphia, and will end with Tina skull dragging bitches at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas for a whole week.

The official Tina Knowles fan site will also be selling exclusive VIP Concert Tour Packages that won't be available anywhere else. The VIP Package includes:

- Meet and greet package
- Free picture with Tina Knowles with 2 poses. The "jail pose" and the "prom pose"
- VIP buffet and reception including a Newport, half a red plastic cup of Grey Goose, and your choice of Cheetos or Doritos.
- Free copy of "Solange and the Hadley Skreet Dreams"
- $700 worth of Miss Tina Merchandise
- 2 Free passes to see "Obsessed" at the "good" movie theater, not the "urban" one where the niggras talk to the screen and talk on their mobile phones and do all kinds of ignorant shit. I mean why the fuck would you pay $10 to sit in a theater to show people how stupid you are?

Tina released this statement:

"I am excited to be able to tour the country skull dragging hating-ass, smart-mouthed chicks. For years people have been talking about slick about my firstborn, and for years I have dreamed of the chance to be able to travel around the country and skull drag hoes for running off at the mouth, and now my dream has come true. I have been rehearsing very hard for the tour, skull dragging Solange back and forth in my driveway trying to get it just right because it's been awhile since I have had to skull drug a ho. I have been so busy with my business endeavors, but I felt that now is the time for me to take my business wig off, and put on my ass-stomping ponytail and skull drag a couple of bitches."

Tina had a press conference early today where she answered several questions about her upcoming tour.

Press: What exactly is a "skull drag"?

Miss Tina: A Skull drag is when you grab a ho, male or female, by the head, usually by the lacefront, track, and/or quick weave and drag him or her from one location to another. This is usually done in parking lots, skating rinks, or club bathrooms. Back in my day we didn't do a lot of talking. You said something slick, you got mollywhopped, and there were no hard feelings afterwards. Chicks these days be tiptoeing, and double-talking, and saying one thing and meaning another thing, and I just don't have time for that. You say what you mean, I slap you cockeyed, then it's over. As Lauryn Hills said, "It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard."

Press: Have you ever "skull drug" anyone

A: Oh yes, I used to skull drag bitches all the time before I had kids and began conducting myself in a manner befitting a classy lady of Dereon.

Press: What is the purpose of this tour?

Miss Tina: Beyonce has been slinging her lacefront around for over 10 years and she runs ALL this shit now, so a certain level of respect is due. And I will tour the country skulldragging bitches until she gets the respect she deserves. See if I let this slide then people are going to start talking reckless then Imma have to turn my wig around, and go in my purse, and POP! POP! POP!, and I told myself I wouldn't do that...

Press: Why doesn't Beyonce just skull drags these ladies herself?

Miss Tina: She has a tour, a movie to promote, videos to shoot, photoshoots, and she has to replace the engine in Michelle's Honda Civic, Beyonce got shit to do! While these chicks are talking about what they WOULD do, or what they WISH they could do, or what they USED to be doing, Beyonce is getting money. Also, Beyonce isn't skull dragging with me because she don't know when to stop. Have you ever seen one of those angry chimps at the zoo just jump on a nigga and rip his face off and not let go? That's Beyonce. Once she pounces on yo' ass, she won't get off you until you're in a coma. I'm not trying to hospitalize a bitch, I'm just trying to teach a lesson. Beyonce ain't got good sense. That's why I don't party with her no more. She's my daughter, and I love her more than I love Hennesey and thug peen, but the chick is crazy.

Press: What is your beef with Ciara?

Miss Tina: This is about the 3rd time in less than a year that she has talked out of the side of her mouth about my first born. Ciara seems to have forgotten who the #1 diva in the game is and seems to think that her and Beyonce are equals. HA! She contradicted herself. She said she comes up with new and orginial ideas then in the same breath she says she was inspired by Theirry Mugler. Like she knew who Thierry Mugler was. Like he knows who Ciara is. Me and Thierry are tight! I call him Thierizzle! We been kicking it since last summer! We write on each other's Facebook walls EVERY DAMN DAY! and he ain't ever mentioned Ciara. I like Ciara, I love Ciara, Goodies is still my ringback tone, but it seems as though Beyonceitis has eaten away at some of her memory cells. Maybe if I knock those slave-ass braids out of her head she will regain some of her memory. Let's keep it 100. Even if you did THINK of the idea first it ain't like you have the budget to pull it off therefore anything you do will ALWAYS look like something you bought at a Beyonce garage sale. So furthermore I suggest she watch her mouth and stop tryna act like she is better than everybody else before...

Press: You put a ring around her damn eye? You said that last week.

Miss Tina: I know, it just applies to so many situations.

Press: Ok. What's your problem with Keri Hilson?

Miss Tina: I don't even want to speak on that. When she sees me she just needs to fall on the ground cause it's going to my foot and her ass, but mostly my foot.

Press: What's your issue with T-Boz?

Miss Tina: Look I don't have a problem with T-Boz, X-box, Icebox or whoever. Again, I love T-Boz. I love TLC. She used to be my favorite. If my face were a different shape I'd rock that haircut she rocked from 1992-until early fall of 2004.TLC was my shit! There's nothing wrong with expressing an opinion, but sometimes it's about the timing. If this had been 1996 maybe I would care about what you have to say, but me asking T-Boz for music career advice is like asking Chris Brown for relationship advice. And although she was in a very successful girl group, her comments seemed a little salty. Maybe if she would have had a "Matthew" as her manager she wouldn't have to sell her belongings or anything else. Say what you want about Kelly or Michelle, but at least they got to release solo albums and perform and tour as solo artists, and they might not be doing jackshit right now, but those royalty checks come err month. Yes, ERR month. Kelly and Michelle might not be as famous as Beyonce, but at least they're not wondering what could have been, and they can still have respectable careers because they can sing LIVE. Yes I said it! You know where to find me! Hadley Street all day errday! It may have looked like favoritism, but if it were truly just the "Beyonce Show, starring Beyonce" then Kelly and Michelle's albums would have NEVER come out and they would have been kicked to the curb the day "Dangerously In Love" debuted at #1. And don't say it was because of the contract because if Justin Timberlake can duck and dodge N'Sync for 10years we could've dodged a Destiny's Child reunion too. I get so sick of people saying "Why doesn't Matthew get Kelly and Michelle on this award show or talk show like he does for Beyonce?" It's not about getting somebody on award show it's about that show WANTING to have you. If it were that easy then I would have opened the Grammys this year doing the "Stanky Leg". If you don't attract viewers then you won't get booked on these shows. Point. Blank. Period. Do you know how many 2 for 1 award show deals we've done? How do you think Solange got on Fashion Rocks last year? How do think Kelly got on the BET Awards? We said we'll give you Beyonce but you gotta take these other chicks too. If you recall Beyonce didn't perform new material at Fashion Rocks or the BET Awards. She didn't have an album to promote at the time. If we were truly the heartless, selfish people that we are portrayed as then Beyonce would have just said "fuck them" and Kelly wouldn't have been on stage at the BET Awards. That was Beyonce's vacation time! She had scheduled a weeklong dickdown session with her man, but she cancelled it because of Kelly's album. That's true friendship right there to make you cancel some dick. A manager can only do so much, it's up to the people to support you. If people care so much then they should just buy the albums instead of bitching about a topic that has been beaten to death since 2000.

Press: Why are you so angry Tina?

Miss Tina: I'm not angry. I'm just a businesswoman. If you are going to use Beyonce's name for publicity you need to cut her a damn check and she hasn't received a check, a money order, prepaid debit card, Blockbuster card, library card, or nothing from any of these chicks, yet we have given them more attention then would have gotten on their own so either they send some money or I'm taking a handful of their weave. Maybe we need to start a publicity program or something. Like for $50,000 these C and D list celebrities can sit with Beyonce at a basketball game, or walk down the street with Beyonce or something and have your picture taken and posted on blogs to make them appear relevant.

What do you think?


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Do You Know What Today Is?

Can you believe it's been one whole year since Jay put a ring on it?

It was a historical day. Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers of all time marrying Beyonce the Diva Slayer. Very few details are known. NO pictures have ever been seen which to me speaks volumes. Love is not about what the eyes can see or what people think about your relationship. It's about the love and connection between those two people. It was about making a commitment and declaring it to each other, not to the whole world.

On that night, April 4, 2008, Jay-Z wasn't a multi-millionaire business mogul and legendary rapper, and Beyonce wasn't the hottest chick in the game. They were a man and woman in love. A man and a woman who had made a lifelong commitment to each other. And after they said their vows they walked to the middle of the dancefloor as husband and wife, pulled each other close and shared their first dance to this song.


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