Online Class (Part 1)

When Obama was elected president I vowed that I would make the effort to contribute more to society. I was not content on just being productive in my own life, I wanted to reach out and touch others, but I was unsure exactly how that would manifest itself. So I thought about it, prayed about it, meditated, listened to B-Day, and asked Jesus to put a word in my heart. Then one day I realized what my calling in life was to be.

I began a mentoring program. Me and a bunch of other Beyonce stans Sasha Fierce Support Representatives went to pre-schools and elementary schools and taught children the correct way to stan for Beyonce on the internet. We would teach the children basic concepts about stanning for Beyonce.

EXAMPLES:

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The mentoring program became a huge success and led to me getting a teaching position. Now, twice a week I teach an adult class at the Cournelis P. Dereon Community College and DNA Testing Center. The name of my class is "Bitches Bitching About Bitches Bitching: The Art of Blogging and Message Board Posting".

Before class begins, I require that all of my students read the following books:

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LESSON 1 - THE FUNDAMENTALS OF MESSAGE BOARD POSTING

The first thing I teach my students is the fundamentals of posting on a message board. My students can use what they learn in my class and apply it to any blog or message board, but I use BeyonceWorld message board as an example because:

1. It is the most famous and infamous message board on the net.

2. It is where fuckery and skull dragging was born.

3.There isn't shit going on at any other message board

I let my students know that posting on BeyonceWorld is the most important thing they will ever do in their lives. Picking a BeyonceWorld screen name is more important than picking a name for your first born.

Registering for BeyonceWorld > registering to vote.

One of the first things I teach my students is that although it is a Beyonce message board not everybody is there to give glory to Tina's firstborn. If you want to stan for Beyonce then buy a damn concert ticket. A Beyonce message board is mostly a social networking site. Although there many different kinds of people who come to the board they can usually be classified in the following categories:

TYPE 1 - RABID STANS - Left alone in their natural habitat Beyonce stans are harmless. However, if you make even the smallest remark about Queen Creole then it's pretty much a wrap. Beyonce stans don't have sympathy. They don't care if you're a legend. They don't care about your family tragedy. They don't care if you boyfriend Boom Boom Powed you in a parking lot. The only thing that matters is that Beyonce Giselle Knowles is the queen of the universe and if you even think anything contrary to that then Beyonce stans will ruin your life, your career, your record sales, and your Twitter page.

TYPE 2 - F.O.F's - FANS OF FLOPS - Stans of Ciara, Keri Hilson, Nicole Schizerzensipsipsipsippinonsomesizzurp and the Boogina Cat Dolls, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Janet Jackson, Ashanti, Brandy, and the other girls on the early lunch shift at Sonic's.

Over half of BW regulars are refugees from other message boards who like other artists MUCH more than they like Beyonce, but they have set up camp on BeyonceWorld. Registering on Beyonceworld gives Fans of Flops something constructive to do in between disappointments. It's a lot more fun than sitting on a Britney Spears board trying to convince yourself that 1999 album sales = 2009 relevance. Or sitting on a Janet board listening to the echos of what a respectable career used to sound like. Or sitting on a Keri Hilson board and...what the fuck do y'all talk about up there?

Some F.O.F's may pretend to like Beyonce to fit in, others are more upfront about their disdain for Beyonce, yet they register and sometimes have higher posts than actual fans. Pretty much the an F.O.F. says "The artist I stan for is so lame even her message board is flopping."

The majority of message board wig-snatchings occurs when a Rabid Beyonce Stan and a F.O.F. go back and forth trying to "own" each other. Realistically a Beyonce stan doesn't have to "own" anybody. The Billboard Charts have owned Brooke/Ciara/Keri/Brandy/Christina/Tiny/Toya/Kima/Keisha/Pam. Time has owned Janet. Life has owned Britney. All a Beyonce stan has to do is kick them while they're down. Yet some Beyonce stans insist on letting the F.O.F's get their blood pressure up.

TYPE 3 - THE SADITTY COMMITTEE - These people really don't stan for anything, they have just come to "put stans in their place" or "bring stans back down to reality".

(sigh)

Joining BeyonceWorld to bring stans back down reality is about as useful as me handing out NAACP pamphlets at a KKK rally. It's a noble effort (in theory), but these people already have their minds made up and they are dedicated to their cause. The only thing I'm going to get is frustrated, and possibly a Mississippi ass-whooping.

Ironically, the people who go to message boards to "put stans in their place" never leave. It's like going to a crackhouse to chastise the crackheads and then getting hooked on the pipe yourself. You're just as guilty as the people you are criticizing and you make yourself look foolish since you spend a significant portion of your day with people you think are beneath you. (SEE: THE SADITTY HOMOSEXUAL)

TYPE 4 - THE SADITTY HOMOSEXUAL - The geigh male who actually admits to being geigh but hides his love of Beyonce because he is afraid that stanning for Beyonce will make him look like a typical homosectional. Sometimes in our quest NOT to be stereotypes we end up frustrating ourselves. Some stereotypes are true. I love fried chicken and I'm not going to skip the Popeye's drive-thru because I want to disprove a stereotype. There's nothing wrong with being a typical homosexual. Your father was a typical homosexual.

Members of the Saditty Committee suffer from a condition I like to call "Pot-Kettle Syndrome". I was raised to believe that if I talked about myself, my flaws, my faults, and all the dirty and shady things I've done then I wouldn't even have the time to bad-mouth anybody else. Most people don't follow this rule and certainly not on the internet. "Pot-Kettle Syndrome" states that a person is allowed to make topics and posts about subjects that they in actuality have no business discussing. This is why a Britney Spears stan can make a topic about Beyonce's live singing. This is why a Ciara stan can call "Ego" a flop (as if Ciara remembers what the top of the charts looks like). This is why women who can barely keep a fuck buddy feel that they are qualified to give Beyonce advice about her marriage. Hypocrisy runs thick online, especially when dealing with hot-button topics.

TYPE 5 - LURKERS AND POACHERS - Blogs, news outlets, and random people who lurk for information as well as members of Beyonce's camp who lurk for feedback/input. They contribute nothing and never credit BeyonceWorld for stories or photos that they steal.

TYPE 6 - SASHA FIERCE SUPPORT REPRESENTATIVES - These are people on BeyonceWorld who are big Beyonce fans even though most of them are afraid to post regularly. They don't actively participate in the day-to-day fuckery and foolishness although they are the ones who buy meet and greet passes, Diva Zone tickets, and stand outside 106 and Park waiting for Beyonce. These fans may log in occasionally for news, videos, and updates but they usually avoid the 60-page
arguments about the socioeconomic significance of the song "Diva". Or whether Beyonce's lipstick matches her bang.


Now that you know who's who you are now ready to register. But don't click the "New Topic" button just yet. It's best just to introduce yourself then sit on the sidelines and observe. Don't be overfamiliar. Don't interject yourself into topics. Start sucking up. Kiss some asses. LMAO at their jokes even when they are not funny. You will need allies and back-up in case somebody comes for your wig. As with any situation you must observe and figure out who the major players are before you make yourself known.

DISCLAIMER - I CAN NOT GUARANTEE THAT YOU WILL NOT BE BANNED! Just because you are a Beyonce fan does not mean that you are welcome at BeyonceWorld. Over the years I have spent almost $900 on Beyonce tickets over, I legally bought most of the albums, I run a blog which pretty much says that Beyonce is better than everybody else, and me and Celestine go wig shopping every Thursday and Sunday, yet I have been banned from the board twice. However there are people who have called Beyonce fat, stupid, and demon-possessed and they are free to run around the board like R. Kelly at a day care center.

2ND DISCLAIMER Please understand that your beef is with the stans not the artists.

Personally I have downloaded music from every artist mentioned on this blog. I have been a big Janet supporter for years. I even bought tickets to Janet's last tour (me and the 2 other people in the arena had the time of our lives). My problem is not with the artists themselves, but with the survived abortions that are their stans. I am tired of people trying to ruin my Sasha Fierce experience. The way that I see it Beyonce has about 5-8 years of relevance left. Then she's going to get arrested for setting Jay's clothes on fire with him still in them (don't act like you don't watched Snapped). She'll do community service, disappear for 6 years, then make her "comeback" at the Grammys.

But it won't be the same.

I don't want the comeback, nor that depressing time waiting for her to comeback. I would rather enjoy her in her prime and not have the experience ruined by people jealous because the artists they stan for have been blacklisted from the industry
and now work at Long John Silver's.

Is that too much to ask?

(sigh)

That's all for Lesson 1. For Lesson 2 I will tell you 5 topics guaranteed to get you stabbed by a Beyonce stan.

Here's a brief pop quiz:


QUESTION 1. PLEASE CORRECT THIS STATEMENT:

"Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Rihanna, and Mariah Carey are among the superstars that will perform at this year’s Fashion Rocks event."

A. "Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, Mariah Carey, and Rihanna are among the superstars that will perform at this year’s Fashion Rocks event."

B. Beyonce will perform at Fashion Rocks. Less relevant celebrities will kill time during Beyonce's lacefront change.

C. This statement is correct

D. B and C are correct.


QUESTION 2- PLEASE COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS WITH THE LESS THAN, MORE THAN, OR EQUAL TO SYMBOLS

A. The $3 bag of hair Tina used to install Beyonce's junior high-ass The Writing's On The Wall braids (<, >, =) Your entire 2009 styling budget.

B. Solange's razor bumps (<, >, =) The relevance of your career.

C. Your Twitter followers (<, >, =) the number of people who bought your last album.


QUESTION 3 - Beyonce and Jay-Z make a sex tape at 3PM. The tape leaks on BeyonceWorld at 3:02PM. How long will it take the tape to appear on MediaTakeOut?

A. 3:03PM

B. A Beyonce fan would delete the tape before anybody sees it.

C. Most of these so-called BeyonceWorld stans would personally walk the tape over to MediaTakeOut

D. None of the above.


CORRECT ANSWERS:

1. Beyonce's name should ALWAYS appear first.

2. A. Beyonce's $3 Moesha-ass braids cost more than your entire 2009 styling budget.

B. Solange's razor bumps are more relevant than your entire career

C. You have 4X as many people following you on Twitter than the number of people who bought your last albums

3. Most of these fake-ass stans would rent a helicopter to get the tape over to Mediatakeout and then act offended when it's posted.


Read Users' Comments ( 333 )

Thank you...

Sorry for the lack of updates...I've been busy trying to be a male version of a female version of a male version of a...you know what...nevermind.

I've been trying to do this "adult" thing. I'm 23 so this "adult" thing is still new to me. You know: waking up, making a living, contributing to society, paying rent, not slapping random people, not fathering random nigglets, not getting into knife fights in the Long John Silver parking lot. It's VERY stressful. It would be so much easier to not work, wake up at the crack of noon, eat Cheetos all day, stay in my great-grandma's guest room (on the futon my Uncle Ray died on) and vlog about the texture and curl pattern of Beyonce's lacefront. If I did would you subscribe?

I've been feeling blah lately...I'm in need of a vacation, and in SERIOUS need of a conjugal visit AND it's hot as a crotch in DC this week. But I'll be back soon. I know I make about 2 posts a year but I sincerely appreciate everybody who visit everyday for new posts.

As a thank you for not having a life and lurking on my blog your support I have a gift. It's an assortment of my favorite live recordings that I've grabbed and collected from all of my gallivanting on the internet. It features several of my favorite people with live bands and microphones that are actually turned on. It's for anybody who loves LIVE music as much as I do. Remember kids, microphones are NOT fashion accessories. I hope you enjoy it.


LINK 1(MEGAUPLOAD)


LINK 2 (ZSHARE)


Until next time please remember:

Stan for talent not personality.

Twitter followers ≠ relevance.

Taking a bath and putting on dirty clothes = Putting on clean clothes not taking a bath

When in doubt ask yourself "What would Solange Do?

And such...


Read Users' Comments ( 24 )