In Defense of Alicia Keys...

"The other woman got feelings too."

--- Jill Scott

"Close your legs to married men."

---Nene Leakes

[NOTE: I'm kinda late on this, but with Matthew Knowles taping his segment on Maury Povich today and Tina Knowles bringing Solange's 1992 Acura Integra to a real slow creep around Alexsandra Wright's neighborhood, I feel like this is an appropriate time to talk about whorish activities.]

Because Beyonce is busy touring and not getting pregnant, Alicia Keys knows that it is safe to come out of musical hibernation. She is scheduled to release her album on December 1, 2009. If she were any other R&B McChicken that album release date would be pushed back to July 17, 2027, but there's a very good chance that Alicia Keys' album will actually be released on time. That's because Alicia is different... or at least she was supposed to be.

In a month or two Alicia will hit the promo trail. She'll go to 106 and nem. She'll go on the Today Show, The Early Show, The 3:45 Show, Good Morning America, Git Yo' Black Ass Up, all the other morning shows and talk shows. And she will probably perform a couple of cuts off her new album. And she'll talk all about her new album. She'll talk all about the "artistic inspiration" behind her new music. She may talk about her work with Whtiney Houston, and maybe even mention all of her numerous philanthropic efforts . One thing she will NOT talk about is exactly how long she's been sucking married penis.

This will be the elephant in the room. But thankfully for her she's protected by Clive Davis and very aggressive publicists so she won't have to answer any awkward questions. But for the people on the nigganet and the people who bought into her image, Alicia still has a lot of explaining to do.

If you are a loyal reader then you would know that I like Alicia. In the past when people have accused Beyonce fans of hating on every other female artist we could say: "We're not haters. We like Alicia Keys." Alicia has generally been a friend to the Wig Compound. She and Beyonce toured together in 2004, she has publicly given glory to the name of Sasha Fierce, and she has never told Beyonce to go sit down and have babies. She has learned early in her career that fat meat is greasy, so she doesn't release albums in the middle of Hurricane Sasha season. Because she has been such a good friend to the Knowles Klan the Creole Gods have rewarded her and career, and she has been allowed to break bread and roll blunts with Beyonce, Celestine and the Gang.

I spent 4 of my very crisp $20 bills to see Alicia last year at the Verizon Center. I went with a hardcore Alicia stan. When the concert was over I was fairly entertained. On an entertainment scale of Brooke Hogan to Beyonce it was a Kylie Minogue.5. Not bad at all.

But my friend, the Alicia stan, was clearly disappointed. "It was good...but she sounded funny", she said. "Like she was singing from her face." "Something wasn't right."

I knew what she was trying to say. Although people accuse Beyonce of being over-packaged and over-marketed to compensate for certain deficiencies Alicia is just as packaged and marketed but in a different way. The truth is when you see past the packaging, the marketing, and the Aretha and Roberta Flack rehashings Alicia Keys = Beyonce + a piano, minus rhythm and vocal control. But we have long been programmed to believe that "real music" comes in certain packaging.

Which is not to say that she is not talented, because she is clearly very talented. She has been apart of some of the best songs written this decade (which may or may not be saying much), and she brought live instruments back to the Autotune generation. People had positioned Alicia to be something of a saviour of "real" R&B music. She was proof that you can be commercially successful and still sing about "deep" things.

Because of that positioning and packaging it may have come as a shock and disappointment to her followers and observers when it was uncovered that Alicia had been carrying on an illicit (yep, illicit) affair with a very married man.

Not Alicia!

Not Miss Karma!

She's deep!

She's real!

She's not some tarted-up whore shaking her ass like the rest of the girls.

She was supposed to be different.

She had braids!



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When the story broke I of course immediately thought of Beyonce. The Alicia Keys scandal hasn't really infiltrated to mainstream media outlets, but I knew that if it were Beyonce then it would get around-the-clock, September 11th-type coverage. The stans would probably try to defend Beyonce. Something like: "Beyonce didn't mean to sleep with a married man, she just tripped and fell on his dick. Stop hating! You're just mad because she has 10 Grammys!"

Me personally, I really didn't care. Alicia Keys' love life has no direct affect on me as a person. I have this funny little habit of stanning for talent a little more than personality. Which is not to say that Alicia's personality (or perceived personality) doesn't play a part in why I like her so much. Alicia appeared to be a cool ass chick, somebody that you not only wanted to hang out with but would probably let you hang out with her. But the truth is Alicia could be the rudest person in the world and fuck every hip-hop producer in the industry and it still won't change her skills as a musician and songwriter.

In reality, an attractive personality and/or image can go a long way especially if there's not a talented person attached to it. If you were to make a list of your 5 favorite artists there are probably better singers and/or entertainers than everybody on your list (if you think objectively) but most people don't think objectively. We like to project ourselves onto our celebrity idols, and in turn we want to see part of ourselves in them. In the minds of most fans when they buy albums and concert tickets they are also buying a share of a celebrity's personal life. So, as a celebrity it's important to do all the things your fans would do if they were in your shoes. So you can understand somebody's disappointment when it is uncovered that Alicia had been having an affair, or that maybe Beyonce didn't call Jennifer Hudson after her family tragedy, or maybe Ciara is really a Bird In The Chicken House. That is why we make statements: like "I lost respect for (INSERT ARTIST) when she (INSERT SHADY ASS ACTIVITY).

In reality all these artists owe us is entertainment, and none of what they do off-stage is really any of our business. But as much as we say we want "real artists" doing "real music" what we really want is friends and pleasant personalities. It's just another form another form of celebrity worship. So that list you made of your 5 favorite entertainers is really the list of the 5 celebrities you want to hang out with.

If you are personally upset by the Alicia Keys scandal that would be proof that you have invested feelings in her which transcend entertainment.

The reaction I've seen from some of her stans is almost as if you caught your pastor coming out of a whorehouse with crack crumbs on his mouth. People who had bought into the Alicia Keys packaging may have felt betrayed, but in reality she was just an entertainer who did something that ordinary people do every day. So why are we making a big deal?

The truth is as much people accuse Beyonce stans of worshipping her, celebrity worship exists with "deeper" artists as well. It is not spoken because much in the same way that these artists are packaged to be above and greater than worldly things their fans position themselves in the same way. This Alicia Keys+ Married Penis Scandal has brought to light the fact that that the line between "real artist" and "packaged personality" is not has wide as we thought it was. Whether or not they wear blond extensions or beaded braids if you are trying to sell albums or concert tickets you are packaged and marketed to appease a certain audience.

To better understand this allow me to go back in time.

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Picture it. 1998.

Sixth grade.

Every girl I knew who didn't aspire to live the rest of their lives in Chittlinwash, North Carolina working at Bojangles bought the "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" album. It was and still is a masterpiece. Lyrically and musically it was textured in a way that was not permissible in late-90's R&B/Hip-Hop. If you were a girl lost in the world, or trying to find your way, Miss Hill pretty much laid down the law. It was seen by many as a manual on the right and wrong way for a black woman to conduct herself.

DVD skip ahead a couple of years. It turns out it was all a lie. That's not who she was. It had been an illusion. She realized that the "Miseduaction" Lauyrn Hill was not who she was or wanted to sell to the public so she rejected that image. That may have been all well and good for her, but what about the girls I had grown up with? The ones that patterned their lives after the lyrics of that album. The ones that had stopped buying boxes of "Gentle Treatment" relaxer and started rocking dreads, twists, and Florida Evans afros. What about the ones who were unsure of how they could change a world they didn't fit into? Because of this album things made a little more sense to them. They latched on to Lauryn's perceived sense of self and made it their own.

But Lauryn said it was all a lie.

Were they wrong too?

I don't think so.

Another option for those girls that I grew up with would have been to stop letting entertainers define their morals, self-worth, and self-esteem. Let who you are be defined by your live experiences instead of a CD booklet. There's nothing wrong with turning to music to reinforce your strength or self-worth, but in order to reinforce it that means a sense of self-worth already has to be there. And when you depend on packaged personalities to give you standards to live up to you set yourself up for disappointment, especially when they can't even live up to those standards.

The best thing for us to do as fans of music is to get to the place where we support artists for their art as opposed to their personalities, hairstyles, or personal lives. That way we won't be disappointed when we find out that who they are off-stage is a sharp contradiction to what they appear to be onstage.

That's part of what I was trying to explain to my disappointed friend last year as we walked out of the Alicia Keys concert. She was disappointed by Alicia's vocal shortcomings that night. I tried to explain to her that for a live vocalist it is difficult to deliver the same amount emotion and conviction every night, so try to forgive her for not sounding exactly like her albums. In much of the same way it may be also difficult to live up to the demands and expectations of fans who see you as a saviour rather as an entertainer. When you present an image or a way of life that you don't live up to, you might not only disappoint yourself, but the people who follow you. I'm not defending her right to be a whore, I'm just defending her right to be human.

LISTEN : Jill Scott - My Love (live)


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Wiggage Claim

This wasn't the first time. Get over it.

Last weekend a tragedy occurred on 3 continents.

On Friday night (September 11) Beyonce peformed at Jay's 9/11 concert. (that concert by the way was EPIC. Mary came out and killed it, Kanye came out and killed it, Diddy came out and vogued, Kid Cudi came out and killed it, Barack came out and freestyled to "We Run This Town". It was truly a historical event. YouTube it.)

On Saturday (September 12) After Beyonce snatched wigs in NYC she flew 8 hours to Europe to watch Jay-Z open for Coldplay.

On Sunday (September 13) The strumpet then flew 8 hours back to NYC to rehearse Sunday morning and snatch more hairpieces Sunday night. Then won Video of Year,  then hopped on a 23 hour flight to a sold-out show in Australia, and killed it again.

If your wig was snatched by Beyonce over the weekend please contact the Wig Crypt Wig Claims Hotline, give Angie your wig ticket number and we will overnight your wig back to you.

I enjoyed the VMAs mainly because it provided a truly shocking moment. In this age of internet and Twitter, big-mouthed back-up dancers, and blogs trying to give "EXCLUSIVE!" information it's very hard to keep an award show secret, so when Kanye staggered on stage it was refreshing because I was truly surprised.

As for Kanye's outburst I really don't care. Most of you WISH someone would jump on stage and defend the flops you stan for but that's not really relevant to the point. You just hate that Beyonce was the focal point of yet ANOTHER event.

I feel that Taylor Swift deserved to finish her speech in the same way Kanye got to finish his Grammy speeches, and the same way Beyonce got to finish all of her speeches including both of the times that she won Best Female Video.

However I think I understand where Kanye was coming from.

MTV pimped Taylor Swift out for ratings. In reality ALL celebrities get used for ratings but in Taylor's case it was more obvious because MTV historically hasn't paid this much attention to country music. Shania Twain was nominated for Best Female Video in 1998, and even though her album sold 20 million copies in the U.S. she was not invited to perform. Although Shania's video was actually a great video and deserved the nomination, MTV obviously did not feel that she was relevant to the VMA broadcast and their "audience" (not unlike how they felt Black artists back in the day). Even at the height of their fame the New Kids on the Block never performed at the VMAs and only got one nomination for a technical award. 15 years ago Taylor Swift would NOT have been invited to perform regardless of how many records she sold, and the Jonas Brothers would not have been invited last year, mainly because MTV adhered to certain "rules of cool" and just being popular didn't guarantee you an invitation on the stage.

Around about 1999 the line between "great video" and "popular video" became very thin, and MTV started giving performance invitiations (and actual nominations) to any and everybody with a hit record, regardless of the artistic merit of their videos. If a head of lettuce got a #1 album, MTV would book it to perform on the MTV Awards with Madonna and give it 6 nominations.
Taylor Swift is a talented young lady who is deserving of ALL of her success, but honestly Sunday night was my first time seeing her video, and I seriously doubt that she would have received an invitation to perform if she didn't have the biggest selling album of any (living) artist of 2009.

So basically I was left believing that she got an award just for showing up and for attracting the millions of people who bought her album to watch the VMAs. There's really nothing wrong with that since it was a fair exchange for MTV using her for ratings. But when you look at it from an artistic standpoint you can see Kanye's frustration. Kanye clearly takes his music and the accompaning visuals very seriously. He devotes an insane amount of time and money to his music, videos, and live shows. Perhaps a little too much time and money considering the attention span of our generation, and the fact that most of his videos will only get played on YouTube and iPhones. 

When you take your art that seriously you expect others to take it as seriously. When there is an award for Best Video you somehow expect them to give it to the "best" video. I'm aware that what's the best to one might not be the best for others, but the name of the category was Best Female Video. To me that evokes striking and memorable images of female iconography, strong female images, and I really can't think of a more striking image than Beyonce grinding her Creole Catfish into the camera in the Single Ladies video.

And I feel that if Beyonce had the Best OVERALL video of the year then one could reason that she also had the Best Female Video especially since Taylor Swift was not nominated for Video of the Year.

So for MTV to give an award to somebody just for showing up has to irritate Kanye on many levels.

I feel that the right thing to do would have been to give Beyonce every award she was nominated for (with the exception of Best Special Effects and Best Art Direction. And I could've lived with Lady Gaga taking Best Pop Video)  MTV instead decided to ration the awards out like government cheese ( © Alexyss Tylor)

But that's all I have. I'm really tired of hearing about it and thinking about it.

And don't say I wouldn't like it if someone interrupted Beyonce's speech. First of all that would never happen. Julius would've sliced and pepper-sprayed Kanye and Lil' Mama about 18 different ways before they even made it on the stage.

This really doesn't change my perception of Kanye, and still I plan to buy a ticket to see him and Lady Gaga be dramatic cunts in DC if/when the tour gets here. But I what do I know...I stan for talent.

Congratulations to Beyonce on her 8th VMA, and congratulations to Jaquel Knight on his first VMA and to Frank Gatson on his 5th VMA.

SIDENOTE - And I'm usually not a fan of Fire Engine Freakum Red either on Beyonce's hips or on Mama Tina's lips, but Beyonce really made this work for her.

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QuickPost Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!

This is also my 100th Post. That means over the past 24 months I have posted about 4 times a month.

That's a damn shame.

Those numbers are more depressing than _____________________________'s album sales.

I'll let you fill in the blank.

I just can't deal with you people right now.

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Why Won't You Let Britney Be Great?

I think we can agree that vocally, Britney Spears will never be Aretha Franklin.

She'll never be Whitney Houston.

She'll never be Jennifer Hudson.

On her best day she probably won't even be Ashanti.

Shit, she'll never be Cassie.

So you can imagine my surprise when I saw a video of Britney singing "live" and my ears did NOT bleed.

Britney Spears has never been a singer. I really don't recall an artist since Milli Vanilli who has achieved such great success by not doing a damn thing. Dance-wise she currently moves like a retired Vegas stripper who had a hip replacement. Vocally she... she doesn't. Even her biggest stan will admit that they know that she cannot sing nor dance, but just being in the arena in her presence is worth the price of a ticket.

She has been apart of memorable performances but most have revolved around a stunt of some kind as opposed to some extraordinary singing or dancing.

Her 2000 VMA performance revolved around her NOT singing while stripping.

Her 2001 VMA performance revolved around her NOT singing while holding a snake.

Her 2003 VMA performance revolved around her NOT singing while bumping vaginas with Madonna.

Her 2007 VMA performance...

Let's not.

Her rendition of "You Oughta Know" was not designed to prove that Britney is a great vocalist. That will never happen. Britney's legacy will not be that she was a great musical artist. There's really no such thing as the "Britney Sound". No one has aspired to "sound like Britney Spears". She has, however, influenced other performers. She has paved the way for the Miley Cyruses, Brooke Hogans, Kim Zolciaks, and Paris Hiltons of the world. Personalities who are neither good singers or dancers, but can still be apart of good music with the right marketing and producers.

Obviously Britney's rendition of "You Oughta Know" wasn't vocally spectacular. It would probably get her laughed out of the American Idol audition room, but it is not fair to compare Britney's vocals to Beyonce nor Alanis. In order to find the triumph in her performance you must take the performance in its proper context and think of its intended audience. Her audience, her stans, the people who pay to watch her NOT sing or dance all seemed to love it and that's all that matters.

As hard as it must be to be Britney Spears it must be even harder to stan for her. Everyday you're reminded that you stan for an industry joke who is not even 30 years old and yet is somehow past her prime. You have to deal with bad reviews, YouTube haters, and Family Guy jokes.

Like this:

The worst thing Family Guy has said about Beyonce (so far) was in the "Family Gay" episode when Peter says "“Awwww I wish I was Beyoncé”.

So after all the shit that Britney and her stans have been through we should be proud of the fact that she has made headlines for doing something that does not involve shaving her head, dropping her baby, or showing her twat. The fact that she is a "singer" who actually made headlines for (GASP!) singing is an achievement within itself.

It is not my desire to take this away from her. It's not like Beyonce is suffering right now, or desperate for some positive attention.

In the same way that Britney stans think she is the best thing since cooked crack, Beyonce stans think she is great too, but we have some credible co-signers:

Tina Turner, Diana Ross, Michael Jackson, Prince, Kanye West, Teena Marie, Donna Summer, Debbie Allen, Ellen DeGeneres, Tom Cruise, Hugh Jackmann, Mike Meyers, Dionne Warrick, Grace Slick, Patti Labelle, Annie Lennox, Bono, Chris Martin Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Neffie Obama, Pookie Obama, etc...

Even Ted Nugent is a damn fan.

Stevie Wonder even went to Beyonce's show. And he just doesn't leave his house for any random broad.

Beyonce stans may be delusional but we have legends, reviews, AND numbers to support our delusions.

Britney's greatness exists mainly in Soundscan numbers from 1999 and in the minds of the tweens and power bottoms who call themselves her stans. Her tour is the highlight of 5 years of embarrassments, humiliations, and missteps, and even the nicest reviews admit that she is the LEAST entertaining aspect of her own show. That has to sting a little bit.

She IS a pop icon meaning 20 years from now she will be one of the figures who will represent our culture. But while the Justins, Kanyes, and Jay-Zs will represent the sound of our generation Britney will represent the consequences of fame. She will represent what happens when you give too much fame to children with neither the maturity to handle it nor the talent to sustain it.

Life has given Britney Spears and her stans one sucker punch after another. Because of these things I will not take this small victory away from her.

She deserves it.

It's been Beyonce Week every week since 2003. If she's not winning Grammys, she's selling out shows, or selling albums, or singing for the president, or selling Dereon Vaginal Wash, or just doing something somewhere to remind you that she is better than everybody.

Beyonce's career is and has been overflowing with greatness for a while now. So why can't we let Britney have this one victory?

Why can't we let Britney be great?

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A Fork and a Flashlight

Dear Beyonce,

I wanted to wish you a Happy early Birthday. I know you will probably be busy spending it at a fancy restaurant, or on an island, or under your husband so I'd like to give you your presents early:

It's a fork and a flashlight.

You may not understand why you need these things, but it will all be clear after you read this.

I heard that you are performing at the MTV VIdeo Music Awards. I am both excited and worried about this announcement.

I remember your first major solo award show performance at the 2003 BET Awards.

Even before you sang a single note, or wiggled a single bootybuttcheek Mo'nique introduced you as one of the greatest female entertainers of your time. In less than 5 minutes you made it very hard to be a female in the entertainment industry. Lives were lost. Ponytails were snatched. Careers were ruined. Ashanti went from artist of the year at BET to employee of the month at Dunkin' Donuts.

After the BET performance there was a long line of memorable performances.

You being lowered down like a Creole piñata at the VMAs.

You and your clones at the Billboard Awards.

You and your army of homothugs doing your Dereon mating dance in a ring of fire at the Radio Music Awards.

Your mash-up with Andre 3000 at the Brit Awards.

Your performance with Prince at the Grammys, even after him and Tina got into it backstage over some eyeliner and her purple freakum heels. = Classic.

And your 2006 BET Awards "Deja Vu" Performance?


From 2003-2006, on award shows stages around the world you served hot Cajun Catfish with a side of cole slaw. And all the children wanted a piece.

However, since that time something has changed with your award show performances.

It's not that you've become sloppy like certain performers. Overall you've become a better version of yourself. You've become a more restrained singer and a much more graceful dancer, so the quality of your performances definitely hasn't decreased. The problem in regards to your award show performances is not that you've become a lazier performer but a better businesswoman. You decided to save your best ideas and performances for your tours rather than give them away for free at award shows.

I guess your thinking was if people wanted to see you at your best they would have to buy a concert ticket, or at least buy the DVD.

The problem with that is that even with your recession seats, for some of your fans it may not be financially or logistically possible to see you live in concert. And although concert DVDs are supposed to capture the best of you on tour I'm sure a lot of other fans would agree that vocally and lacefrontally, the Atlanta show was not the best show on the Destiny Fulfilled tour, and the Los Angeles show was damn sure not the best show on the Beyonce Experience tour.

So there are people around the world who still need to be reminded of who you are and what kind of damage and destruction you are capable of.

I was told that you would be performing "Sweet Dreams". If you are planning to come out dressed like the tooth fairy and do a slowed down MTV Unplugged type thing I would prefer you just stay home, watch it on TV, and let Kelly grease your scalp.

Now, more than ever, it is important that you deliver a jaw-dropping performance. There are some people online who are going around using words they don't know the meaning of. Words like:

"live vocals"

There are people who think someone "slays" a performance just by showing up and not passing out.

There are people who think backbends and splits make an "epic" performance.

There are people who have become music "icons" just by being photographed, turning the sidewalk into a catwalk and hanging out with other people's husbands.

That's why on September 13th I need you to eat this performance like a Popeye's 3 piece. (That's what the fork is for)

I need you do lay down a the type of performance that you did back when you had something to prove.

I want chicks to buy super glue to protect their hairpieces from the wig-snatching that you will bring in New York City that night.

I want even your the your biggest, most bald-headed, most menopausal hater to be like "Did you see what the fuck Beyonce did last night?

But wait there's more.

You're probably wondering what the flashlight is for.

Because the VMAs are a MTV production there's going to be so much shade in that building that you're going to need an alternate light source to see all those two-faced bitches. For the past year or so MTV has been throwing large amounts of shade, salt, and grease towards you. It is evident in everything they've written (and haven't written).

In March I made a post about your tour and Britney's tour and how I thought MTV would treat you two. It pretty much said that you would work yourself into exhaustion on stage for over 2 hours and get nothing but shade and all Britney would have to do is show up and not piss on herself and she would have the greatest tour in history. I was half-joking at the time but unfortunately that joke became a reality. has written no less than 37 articles about Britney's tour.

Despite the fact that you have one of the most commercially and critically successful tours of the year they could only be bothered to write about 5 articles about your tour, most of which did NOT appear on the main page.

What really overcooked my hamhocks was this article "Was Beyonce Lip-Synching?" concerning your performance at the Oscars. I just find it a little odd that a network who seems so deeply in love with an artist who hasn't sang live since "The Parkers" was on the air would be so strongly opposed to the idea of you using pre-recorded vocals. But I guess that's the name of the game.

I know a large part of this is the fact that they still have egg on their face from when Britney made an ass of herself and them with her comatose performance at the 2007 VMAs. So in writing damn near 40 articles about her tour it creates the illusion that Britney is still relevant to people aside from her stans.

I would like to think that you and Britney are of equal importance to MTV, but the shade they've been throwing is about as subtle as your acting in The Fighting Temptations. I know that the economy (and legitimate journalism) has changed and objectivity does not pay the bills, but I miss the days when was a legitimate and (somewhat) balanced news source instead of the gossip blog that it has become.

As for your nine nominations I'd like to think that the cultural significance of the "Single Ladies" video would be enough to guarantee you at least the Video of the Year award, but historically the VMAs hasn't always done right by us Negroes regardless of how culturally significant our videos were. Michael Jackson's "Thriller" did not win Video of the Year in 1984. Janet's "Rhythm Nation" wasn't even nominated for Video of the Year in 1990. And it took 11 years for a Black act (TLC) to actually win Video of the Year. They've cut the "Best R&B Video" award which would not have only recognized you but also exceptional R&B videos released this year from other artists including your sister Solange.

I'd like to have a positive attitude about the VMAs, but I can smell bullshit a mile away. You just make sure Mama Tina brings her boxcutter and fighting wig.

Because of this I need you to go into the VMAs with a different attitude. This is not the year to be humble. As Erykah Badu said "Being humble is so 2007". I need you to be a diva that night. I am tired of seeing you smiling and giggling every time the camera is on you. Ain't nothing in the world that damn funny. At the VMA's I want you to be the messy bitch Tina raised you to be. I want you to throw the type of shade that only a drunken queen or an iconic diva can throw. Take it back to the Destiny's Child days when you could shut a chick down with just one look. Roll your eyes. Fold your arms. Cross your legs. Boo bitches off the stage if the spirit moves you. I want you just get really hood with it. Spit sunflower seeds at the stage when Keri Hilson is on stage. Get a pillow and pretend to be sleep when Britney gets on stage (it won't be that hard). DO NOT tip Ciara when she gives you the keys to your car at the valet parking booth. Be the mean diva that people think you are. They already hate you, give them a good reason.

In conclusion, even if you disappoint me at the VMAs I'll still support you. I'll just talk about you behind your back in blog comment sections like your other fickle-ass fans.

And I'm changing the name of this site to Cassieitis.

Thank you for listening.

And Happy B-Day!

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