This month marks the 3rd anniversary of Beyonceitis. A few things have changed but for the most part things are the same. Christina Aguilera is still trying to write checks on an account that was closed 8 years ago. That "Rihanna Reign" still has not made its way to the top of the Billboard Albums Charts nor to Ticketmaster. LeToya, Michelle and Kelly still have to rotate shifts at Ruby Tuesdays to record their albums And Beyonce still continues to make all of you chicks look like lazy, rhythm-less, tone-deaf, untalented men.
Last weekend a 37-second music video clip for the song "Why Don't You Love Me" leaked. WDYLM is a bonus track Beyonce recorded in the quick-change booth during the Beyonce Experience in between "Green Light" and "Baby Boy". The video was shot on Jay's iPhone. The song was a bonus track which somehow made it to #1 on the Dance Charts a year after "I Am...Sasha Fierce" was released. When the full video was released earlier this week all hell broke loose. The press gave it glowing reviews and it showed that even Beyonce's throw-aways are more successful than shit you've been working on for 5 years.
The video came as a surprise because Beyonce was supposed to take most of 2010 off. Which meant that a string of "relevancy-challenged" chicks had planned to release their albums. Their stans were all excited and then out of nowhere Beyonce diverts all the attention back on her. There was (yet again) some criticism that Beyonce should let certain "relevancy-challenged" artists get their chance to shine.
Some stans seem to think the music industry should be a soup kitchen that rations out Grammys, #1 albums, and hit songs, evenly and equally. Everyone should stand in line quietly and politely and have their chance to eat. In the line are a bunch girls less famous and relevant than Beyonce and just as they get to the front of the line Beyonce cuts ahead of them like some big greedy bitch and eats everything up. A lot of you seem to think that getting Beyonce to sit down is the ticket to the front of the line.
If only it were that simple.
As the devastation of Beyonceitis gets worse I am making it my personal mission to assist basic music industry bitches with their transition to irrelevancy. I am currently writing a book entitled "So Beyonce Snatched Your Wig: Coping With Life As A Basic Bitch".
In the book I will outline ways to make your transition to VH1's Sunday night lineup as easy as possible. You can begin a fulfilling life on the Z-list with these 5 steps:
1. Know Your Place
The first step in accepting life as a basic bitch is facing one ugly truth: You. Ain't. No. Diva!
What is a diva?
Let's say you release an album and it's a hit. And you release singles from that album which are also hits. And you win a lot of awards for that album. And you go on a successful tour to promote that album. You've just had a great moment. What a diva does is takes that great moment and does it over and over with more than one album. Most of you couldn't sustain for 2 years. When Mariah Carey fell off and came back she had a career to comeback to. Most of you are trying to plot comebacks when you really didn't do shit the first time around.
The main part of accepting your life as a basic bitch is understanding that not every artist was designed to be an diva. Not all careers lead to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, or even a BET Lifetime achievement award. A lot of you chicks WILL be on Dancing with the Stars next year so you might as well start stretching right now. This isn't a spiteful Beyonce stan talking. This is history. For every Whitney Houston there was a Miki Howard. For every Madonna there was Paula Abdul. For every Janet Jackson there was a Jody Watley, For every icon who managed to managed to carve a place in music history there are dozens who faded away.
Which is not to say that every artist that doesn't become an icon is basic. Some have legitimate excuses. Some artists had extraordinary talent but were genuinely under-promoted, mismanaged, blacklisted, or just didn't get the same quality material as their more famous counterparts.
This does NOT apply to you basic bitches.
If you work with Justin Timberlake, Lil' Wayne, the Neptunes, AND your publicists send your photos to every blog in the world, your record label creates a faux relationship with someone hotter than you, and you STILL flop that's more of a reflection on YOU as a opposed to the music industry's mistreatment of you.
2. It's Not ALL Beyonce's Fault
"Why Don't You Love Me" is NOT the reason your album will fail. The Illuminati is not the reason why radio rejected all 4 of your "buzz singles". It COULD be your less than engaging stage presence, your horrific live vocals, your $17 styling budget, the questionable taste in lacefronts, the fact that your album is full of songs rejected by 5 artists who are more famous than you. The bottom line is before your stans fix their fingers to font about Beyonce or record 10 minute YouTube videos about Beyonce needing to sit down there are issues directly related to you and your wackness that need to be addressed.
If you are hot as your stans build you up to be you should be able to shine regardless of who is or is not out at the time. Gaga is shining WITH Beyonce out. Alicia shined from 2002-2008 with Beyonce out, Britney has been in a coma since 2004 and she still had a top selling tour with Beyonce out. There COULD be a piece of success for everybody...depending on how you define success. That piece might not be as big as Beyonce's piece but you should not think that it will be handed to you just because it's your turn.
Of course not everybody WANTS to be Beyonce. A lot of artists probably love the freedom that comes with being slightly unknown and off the radar, but those are not the people crying for Beyonce to take a break so they can "shine". It's always stans of basic bitches who whine the loudest Beyonce stealing all the shine. True "shine" is being secure enough in your talent and being confident that your work will speak for itself and by itself NOT as it compares to other people, particularly people who are far more culturally relevant than you are.
3. There's Nothing Wrong With Being Basic
People have tried to downplay the importance of R&B/urban music but the arguments sound hypocritical when you look back over the past few decades.
When Madonna was establishing her sound 75 years ago where did she turn? Black music.
When Madonna was trying to freshen her sound in the middle of her career where did she go? Black music.
When Madonna was trying to re-re-re-refreshen her sound in her golden years where did she go. Black music.
When Britney and Justin Timberlake were trying to move into more "mature music" where did they go? Black music.
The point is fans of pop (White) superstars try to degrade urban music and urban music artists as "ghetto" (which is a place not an adjective) but when their favorites were about to fall off it was Black music producers that kept them relevant. R&B/Urban music has set the tone for pop music as a whole for the past 3 decades, so if you're a basic chick and after years of recording, performing and flopping all you have to show for is a Soul Train Award and a #2 video on 106 and Park, damnit that's still something to be proud of.
4. Beyonce Stans Don't Hate You...
Hate implies jealousy. Jealousy implies fear and Beyonce stans aren't afraid of you. They are making fun of you.
There's a difference between "hating" and "kicking someone while they're down." You would have to currently be doing something of importance to be hated on. Sometimes people just like to magnify your misfortune and stans of irrelevant artists make it worst by talking shit all over the internet with NOTHING to back it up aside from their delusions.
The key to arguing with Beyonce stans is realizing that you CAN'T argue with Beyonce stans. Beyonce stans have time-stamped receipts, DVD-quality footage, witnesses, DNA samples, and co-signers so you can't beat them in an argument. Why would you even want to anger the stans of the most important female artist of this generation? Just look at it mathematically. Pissing off Beyonce stans means pissing off millions of people around the world. Pissing off Ciara stans means pissing off 3 people...all living in the same neighborhood, and 2 of them live in the same house. Fighting with Beyonce stans is an unwinnable war.
5. ...But Somebody Loves You
Some people feel that stars should look and perform as stars. They should be mysterious, and set far apart from regular people. These are not stans of basic bitches. Stans of basic bitches like artists that are relatable and down-to-earth, because stanning for a basic-ass chick makes your own goals seem more realistic. Whereas Beyonce and other divas seemed glossed to a point of unattainable perfection, basic bitches make celebrity and stardom seem attainable. Their flaws make them more attractive to some people:
"She's not the best singer, and neither am I...hmmm maybe I can get a record contract too."
"She's not the best singer and she sold a lot of records...maybe I can sell a lot of records too."
So no matter how bad things get you will ALWAYS have a fanbase. As long as there are HBCU dorm rooms and $5 Drink Night at clubs in bad neighborhoods there will always be a place for basic bitch music. Some people like simple, uncomplicated music. No concepts, no alter-egos, no experimentation. Just some club bangers, some mid-tempos, some ballads...and thank Jesus in the CD booklet. You may not have MILLIONS of fans but somebody somewhere will
In conclusion, this year as Beyonce takes her break and your careers STILL slowly fall off I want you to step boldly from your life of semi-stardom into your new life of bingo casinos, reality TV, gay pride festivals, Tyler Perry plays, and Tom Joyner cruises.
Be proud of all of that you have accomplished and don't dwell on what you have not accomplished. A lot of very talented people never even got platinum records, some never even went gold. Many more talented people will never get record contracts.
So what if you'll never be Beyonce?
So what if you had a concert at a 20,000 seat arena and only 2 niggas showed up?
So what if you will never see what 16 Grammys looks like unless you get a job cleaning Beyonce's house?
So what your movie wasn't even a hit on the Bootleg Charts?
So what if no one asks for your autograph at the airport?
So what if you work at the airport?
So what if your song wasn't a hit on the Hot 100 in America? A Top 20 song on the Zimbabwe Airplay charts is still considered a worldwide hit.
Define your career as it is, not as it could be or as it used to be. This year as Beyonce takes her break I want you to flat iron your lacefronts, hitch up your titties, put on your knee pads and start sucking for those future flop-ass tracks of yours. And release your albums 8 months after the original release date. And when those first week numbers come in I want you to flop with your heads held high.
This is life as a basic bitch. Accept it and move on. Your career is a failure but you are NOT a failure as a human being.