Life After...



This month marks the 3rd anniversary of Beyonceitis. A few things have changed but for the most part things are the same. Christina Aguilera is still trying to write checks on an account that was closed 8 years ago. That "Rihanna Reign" still has not made its way to the top of the Billboard Albums Charts nor to Ticketmaster. LeToya, Michelle and Kelly still have to rotate shifts at Ruby Tuesdays to record their albums And Beyonce still continues to make all of you chicks look like lazy, rhythm-less, tone-deaf, untalented men.

Last weekend a 37-second music video clip for the song "Why Don't You Love Me" leaked. WDYLM is a bonus track Beyonce recorded in the quick-change booth during the Beyonce Experience in between "Green Light" and "Baby Boy". The video was shot on Jay's iPhone. The song was a bonus track which somehow made it to #1 on the Dance Charts a year after "I Am...Sasha Fierce" was released. When the full video was released earlier this week all hell broke loose. The press gave it glowing reviews and it showed that even Beyonce's throw-aways are more successful than shit you've been working on for 5 years.

The video came as a surprise because Beyonce was supposed to take most of 2010 off. Which meant that a string of "relevancy-challenged" chicks had planned to release their albums. Their stans were all excited and then out of nowhere Beyonce diverts all the attention back on her. There was (yet again) some criticism that Beyonce should let certain "relevancy-challenged" artists get their chance to shine.

Some stans seem to think the music industry should be a soup kitchen that rations out Grammys, #1 albums, and hit songs, evenly and equally. Everyone should stand in line quietly and politely and have their chance to eat. In the line are a bunch girls less famous and relevant than Beyonce and just as they get to the front of the line Beyonce cuts ahead of them like some big greedy bitch and eats everything up. A lot of you seem to think that getting Beyonce to sit down is the ticket to the front of the line.

If only it were that simple.

As the devastation of Beyonceitis gets worse I am making it my personal mission to assist basic music industry bitches with their transition to irrelevancy. I am currently writing a book entitled "So Beyonce Snatched Your Wig: Coping With Life As A Basic Bitch".

Photobucket

In the book I will outline ways to make your transition to VH1's Sunday night lineup as easy as possible. You can begin a fulfilling life on the Z-list with these 5 steps:

1. Know Your Place

The first step in accepting life as a basic bitch is facing one ugly truth: You. Ain't. No. Diva!

What is a diva?

Let's say you release an album and it's a hit. And you release singles from that album which are also hits. And you win a lot of awards for that album. And you go on a successful tour to promote that album. You've just had a great moment. What a diva does is takes that great moment and does it over and over with more than one album. Most of you couldn't sustain for 2 years. When Mariah Carey fell off and came back she had a career to comeback to. Most of you are trying to plot comebacks when you really didn't do shit the first time around.

The main part of accepting your life as a basic bitch is understanding that not every artist was designed to be an diva. Not all careers lead to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, or even a BET Lifetime achievement award. A lot of you chicks WILL be on Dancing with the Stars next year so you might as well start stretching right now. This isn't a spiteful Beyonce stan talking. This is history. For every Whitney Houston there was a Miki Howard. For every Madonna there was Paula Abdul. For every Janet Jackson there was a Jody Watley, For every icon who managed to managed to carve a place in music history there are dozens who faded away.

Which is not to say that every artist that doesn't become an icon is basic. Some have legitimate excuses. Some artists had extraordinary talent but were genuinely under-promoted, mismanaged, blacklisted, or just didn't get the same quality material as their more famous counterparts.

This does NOT apply to you basic bitches.

If you work with Justin Timberlake, Lil' Wayne, the Neptunes, AND your publicists send your photos to every blog in the world, your record label creates a faux relationship with someone hotter than you, and you STILL flop that's more of a reflection on YOU as a opposed to the music industry's mistreatment of you.

2. It's Not ALL Beyonce's Fault

"Why Don't You Love Me" is NOT the reason your album will fail. The Illuminati is not the reason why radio rejected all 4 of your "buzz singles". It COULD be your less than engaging stage presence, your horrific live vocals, your $17 styling budget, the questionable taste in lacefronts, the fact that your album is full of songs rejected by 5 artists who are more famous than you. The bottom line is before your stans fix their fingers to font about Beyonce or record 10 minute YouTube videos about Beyonce needing to sit down there are issues directly related to you and your wackness that need to be addressed.

If you are hot as your stans build you up to be you should be able to shine regardless of who is or is not out at the time. Gaga is shining WITH Beyonce out. Alicia shined from 2002-2008 with Beyonce out, Britney has been in a coma since 2004 and she still had a top selling tour with Beyonce out. There COULD be a piece of success for everybody...depending on how you define success. That piece might not be as big as Beyonce's piece but you should not think that it will be handed to you just because it's your turn.

Of course not everybody WANTS to be Beyonce. A lot of artists probably love the freedom that comes with being slightly unknown and off the radar, but those are not the people crying for Beyonce to take a break so they can "shine". It's always stans of basic bitches who whine the loudest Beyonce stealing all the shine. True "shine" is being secure enough in your talent and being confident that your work will speak for itself and by itself NOT as it compares to other people, particularly people who are far more culturally relevant than you are.

3. There's Nothing Wrong With Being Basic

People have tried to downplay the importance of R&B/urban music but the arguments sound hypocritical when you look back over the past few decades.

When Madonna was establishing her sound 75 years ago where did she turn? Black music.

When Madonna was trying to freshen her sound in the middle of her career where did she go? Black music.

When Madonna was trying to re-re-re-refreshen her sound in her golden years where did she go. Black music.

When Britney and Justin Timberlake were trying to move into more "mature music" where did they go? Black music.

The point is fans of pop (White) superstars try to degrade urban music and urban music artists as "ghetto" (which is a place not an adjective) but when their favorites were about to fall off it was Black music producers that kept them relevant. R&B/Urban music has set the tone for pop music as a whole for the past 3 decades, so if you're a basic chick and after years of recording, performing and flopping all you have to show for is a Soul Train Award and a #2 video on 106 and Park, damnit that's still something to be proud of.

4. Beyonce Stans Don't Hate You...

Hate implies jealousy. Jealousy implies fear and Beyonce stans aren't afraid of you. They are making fun of you.

There's a difference between "hating" and "kicking someone while they're down." You would have to currently be doing something of importance to be hated on. Sometimes people just like to magnify your misfortune and stans of irrelevant artists make it worst by talking shit all over the internet with NOTHING to back it up aside from their delusions.

The key to arguing with Beyonce stans is realizing that you CAN'T argue with Beyonce stans. Beyonce stans have time-stamped receipts, DVD-quality footage, witnesses, DNA samples, and co-signers so you can't beat them in an argument. Why would you even want to anger the stans of the most important female artist of this generation? Just look at it mathematically. Pissing off Beyonce stans means pissing off millions of people around the world. Pissing off Ciara stans means pissing off 3 people...all living in the same neighborhood, and 2 of them live in the same house. Fighting with Beyonce stans is an unwinnable war.

5. ...But Somebody Loves You

Some people feel that stars should look and perform as stars. They should be mysterious, and set far apart from regular people. These are not stans of basic bitches. Stans of basic bitches like artists that are relatable and down-to-earth, because stanning for a basic-ass chick makes your own goals seem more realistic. Whereas Beyonce and other divas seemed glossed to a point of unattainable perfection, basic bitches make celebrity and stardom seem attainable. Their flaws make them more attractive to some people:

"She's not the best singer, and neither am I...hmmm maybe I can get a record contract too."

"She's not the best singer and she sold a lot of records...maybe I can sell a lot of records too."


So no matter how bad things get you will ALWAYS have a fanbase. As long as there are HBCU dorm rooms and $5 Drink Night at clubs in bad neighborhoods there will always be a place for basic bitch music. Some people like simple, uncomplicated music. No concepts, no alter-egos, no experimentation. Just some club bangers, some mid-tempos, some ballads...and thank Jesus in the CD booklet. You may not have MILLIONS of fans but somebody somewhere will buy download your stuff and in a few years your "flop-ass album" will be considered an "underrated classic" (See: Afrodisiac).

--------------------------------------------------------------

In conclusion, this year as Beyonce takes her break and your careers STILL slowly fall off I want you to step boldly from your life of semi-stardom into your new life of bingo casinos, reality TV, gay pride festivals, Tyler Perry plays, and Tom Joyner cruises.

Be proud of all of that you have accomplished and don't dwell on what you have not accomplished. A lot of very talented people never even got platinum records, some never even went gold. Many more talented people will never get record contracts.

So what if you'll never be Beyonce?

So what if you had a concert at a 20,000 seat arena and only 2 niggas showed up?

So what if you will never see what 16 Grammys looks like unless you get a job cleaning Beyonce's house?

So what your movie wasn't even a hit on the Bootleg Charts?



So what if no one asks for your autograph at the airport?

So what if you work at the airport?

So what if your song wasn't a hit on the Hot 100 in America? A Top 20 song on the Zimbabwe Airplay charts is still considered a worldwide hit.

Define your career as it is, not as it could be or as it used to be. This year as Beyonce takes her break I want you to flat iron your lacefronts, hitch up your titties, put on your knee pads and start sucking for those future flop-ass tracks of yours. And release your albums 8 months after the original release date. And when those first week numbers come in I want you to flop with your heads held high.

This is life as a basic bitch. Accept it and move on. Your career is a failure but you are NOT a failure as a human being.


93 comments:

mesocute814 said...

Yes, My Bitch was Dusting Them 16 Gram-Bey's Off..Love You Beyonceitis

Anonymous said...

This is great

Máté said...

finally...this gave me life

H.C said...

Welcome back! we missed you!

I can tell this book is gonna be a best-seller.

MrFitz said...

LOL. THis is so funny. Welcome back. I bookmarked your site. Keep writing like this. Man you should get your own website. Blogspot not doing your writing justice lol

Anonymous said...

This post is epic! Love this site!

M.J. said...

Beyonceitis, when will that book be in stores? I have a few people in mind who need to read it thoroughly.

Gemini said...

*WALLSLIDE*

Anonymous said...

That was an amazing post. So hilarious, yet so real. Love it.

Lil' Creole Pimp said...

Basic music is the foundation of your clubbing experience. Sure, I like B'Day and I may've threatened and even fought a junior high teacher over it but if they don't play that new Crime Mob at the club then I'm going home.

Anonymous said...

<3


Missed reading you.

Anonymous said...

missed your ass.People better ecognise the Zimbabwe airplay chart ,coz in your own words not everyone is a diva.

As always, brilliant read,I would like to prorder the book,thank you

O.P.F.T HIMALAYA

ps-I blame you for not rembering my password for my google account.posting once in a blue moon.do you know some of us just log on for your posts.checking this site everydaycan make a chick loose her mind

Anonymous said...

Loose her mind and how to use the keyboard.I stand corrected,I meant recognise ,remember and still would like to pre-order the book

truthstings said...

that rihanna reign still has not made its way to ticketmaster


umm wasnt beyonce the one who couldnt sell out her shows??

wasnt beyonce the one giving out free tickets??

didnt videophone AND ego flop miserably??

thats what i thought

Anonymous said...

that rihanna reign still has not made its way to ticketmaster


umm wasnt beyonce the one who couldnt sell out her shows??
-------------------

Ummm...2 Shows at Madison Square Garden versus Rihanna's ONE SHOW and her performing at a damn state fair?

Beyonce's six shows at the O2 in London versus Rihanna's 2.

Beyonce's six shows in Dublin versus Rihanna's 2?

$86 million (not counting the South American shows)

Ego and Videophone? How about Russian Roulette", Hard, and Wait Your Turn?

How about Rude Boy going #1 yet Rated R still getting outsold by I Am Sasha Fierce and them working on another album WITHOUT her.

Why do you stans even try it?

Let us not and tell everybody on Twitter that we did.

Anonymous said...

us billboard hot 100

russian roulette #9

hard #8

videophone #65 whoa!!!

ego #39 lmaooo!!!

Anonymous said...

beyonce is only crushing BLACK female singers

amerie
letoya
brandy
monica
keyshia cole
ciara
keri hilson
christina milian
jennifer hudson (but she STILL has an oscar, grammy, sag, and golden globe!! so suck on that beyonce!!)
fantasia
teairra mari
ashanti
mya
kelly rowland

Anonymous said...

us billboard hot 100

russian roulette #9

hard #8

videophone #65 whoa!!!

ego #39 lmaooo!!!
-----------------------

You better ignore those Rihanna ticket album sales and bring up the least successful singles from "I Am" Both of you Rihanna stans are HILARIOUS! You have all of Beyonce's singles stats but no intelligent answer as to why Rihanna can't sell an arena tour or get a #1 album in the United States.
---------------------------------

beyonce is only crushing BLACK female singers

Ummm...

Christina Agulera (Crushed)

Beyonce has dragged Britney's albums and singles.

DIL outsold in the Zone
I am Outsold Circus.

But race is not relevant.

Bottom line according to the Grammys and the general public

Beyonce>>>>>>>>>>>

Anonymous said...

according to the general public... beyonce>>>>>>?????

so why did britney's circus tour CRUSH beyonce's sasha fierce tour??

(crickets)

M.J. said...

Oh boy... I see the Rihanna stans are here trying to make claims. Forget album sales, edgy costumes, and crazy ass haircuts... how about help Bajan Barbie find a vocal coach?

T said...

I'm gonna need you to update more consistently, thought that was the point of the site changes but...epic shit as always. I can't wait til the comments get to like 80 with people copying and pasting stats from google.

We need more beyonceitis!

Anonymous said...

Apparently beyonceitis some basic bitches stans still have doubts... they did not learn that you cannot argue with a Beyoncé stan :)

Keep doing your great job and please, please post more often

Anonymous said...

To my fellow Bey stan using the dregs of I AM to defend the FIRST few singles from Rated R. STOP just STOP. It is far more appropriate to compare:

Single ladies with Russsian Roulette
IIWAB with Hard
Diva with Wait your turn
Halo with Rude Boy

Cus that's about the order they came out...duh!


Ego and Video Phone will therefore be compared with the dregs from Rated R when she is on the last releases of that album.

As for Britney's tour slaying I AM (yes it did)

and Lady Gaga is slaying Alicia Keys (whom I love) which says more about the white population's tendency to frequent concerts more in all the states (not just heavily black coastal ones) and abroad.


GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK BEYONCEITIS!

JohnnyS said...

i fucking loved this. i laughed so hard i was in tears.

NC17 said...

This is classic. B is international, the rest of these hoes are R&B, that's the main difference. But be warned... Beyonce's reign on the top is nearing an end and then the flood gates will open back up.

TJ said...

Take these arguments back to YouTube's comment sections.

Anonymous said...

Missed you as always!!! Welcome back

I 100% cosign.

The End.


Beyonce stan ID#271886

Jahova's Witness (A.K.A Clit Flea) said...

LOL @ these Basic Ass Britney Stans coming for Ticket Sales, Those figures say more about Shitney's Stupid Stans that are willing to pay their whole rent Salary just to see this Tired Bitch Lip Sing & walk NOT Dance the entire time. Call me when Circus sees half of i Am's 7 Million copies Sold & when Stitney starts selling out Arenas like the Queen...

No Comp

melissa said...

LMAO at the Rihanna stans. They must check this site everyday to see if there is a new post. wow. losers.

ANYWAY, Back to BEYONCE. This post is great. and it's sad that NO ONE will live up to her in the music business. HOTTEST CHICK IN THE GAME. Jay said it best

the librarian said...

melissa wrap it up!! u know the compton public library closes at 6pm on sundays!!

Anonymous said...

LMAO at these Rihanna and Britney stans coming to a BEYONCE stan page talking shit. Yes Rihanna had ONE #1 out of the 5, yes FIVE singles she released. and that shit still isnt even hit the platnuim mark after 4 months. and why are we even mentioning Shitney Spears, shes probably too medicated to even CARE about her status in the game right now..so byeee.

melissa said...

what is "THE LIBRARIAN" talking about?

Anonymous said...

LOL @ the librarian !
another truthful post as always
I knew I had to check in here once I saw that new Beyonce!!

Anonymous said...

Great post as always. I'm glad you made a reference to all these conspiracy folks blaming the Illuminati for Beyonce's success. If they're so damn 'secret,' why in hell do we all know about it? I'm neither a stan nor hater of Beyonce, but those rumors have gotten quite redundant and tiresome.

Anonymous said...

either way 16 grammys or not. she cant do better than jay-z...lol match made in heaven two losers.


btw beyonce is where she is because she is obedient and listen to her father and never questioned anything.
yes she has a mediocre voice and pretty face. nonetheless she would not be where she is if it wasnt for her father.

Anonymous said...

mediocre voice?? yeah keep telling urself that

Anonymous said...

Welcome back Beyonceitis!! It's GREAT to see you again! We need more!

Why are Rihanna stans coming to a Beyonce blog? If you want to support Rihanna, go buy a ticket.

Leona said...

BEYONCEITIS U NEED TO PUT THE PEOPLE OF THIS BLOG IN THERE PLACE. THEY STOLE YOUR MOTO AND EVERYTHING. AND THEY HATEN LIKE FUKKK... AND PLUS THERE IS SOMEONE ON THERE COPYING AND PASTING ALL YOUR WORK..

http://hateherzanonymous.blogspot.com/

terrell said...

what im trying to figure out is why people think Beyonce is the reason why people flop. She has nothing to do with what other people are doing. She just has a huge as promotional team. When Beyonce releases an album she's on Oprah, Ellen, David Letterman, Today Show, Tyra etc. while others are just on BET or (at a year ago TRL). Britney Spears did two performances for her album on two shows and still went platinum. Ciara's album didn't get promoted. Rihanna was on three different shows to promote her album. So its not that Beyonce is killing other careers. Its just she's promoting over time. Whether or not you people realize this, I am sasha fierce was a double disc album. And the RCA counts a double disc album as two sales. So if I am Sasha Fierce sold 480,000. it really sold 240,000. Thats why Mathew Knowles said that she'd sale 1,000,000 the first week because he thought if B'Day sold 500,000+ then I am Sasha Fierce would replicate. No one buys albums anymore. Lady GaGa has gone platinum, yet her singles are quadruple platinum. So all of the Beyonce killed careers needs to stop.

Anonymous said...

what im trying to figure out is why people think Beyonce is the reason why people flop. She has nothing to do with what other people are doing. She just has a huge as promotional team. When Beyonce releases an album she's on Oprah, Ellen, David Letterman, Today Show, Tyra etc. while others are just on BET or (at a year ago TRL). Britney Spears did two performances for her album on two shows and still went platinum. Ciara's album didn't get promoted. Rihanna was on three different shows to promote her album. So its not that Beyonce is killing other careers. Its just she's promoting over time. Whether or not you people realize this, I am sasha fierce was a double disc album. And the RCA counts a double disc album as two sales. So if I am Sasha Fierce sold 480,000. it really sold 240,000. Thats why Mathew Knowles said that she'd sale 1,000,000 the first week because he thought if B'Day sold 500,000+ then I am Sasha Fierce would replicate. No one buys albums anymore. Lady GaGa has gone platinum, yet her singles are quadruple platinum. So all of the Beyonce killed careers needs to stop.
----------------------------
First of all it's not the RCA it's the RIAA. RCA is a record label.

Secondly, The RIAA only counts double albums as two if total playing time equals an amount that could not fit on one disc. I Am Sasha Fierce is only 41 minutes long therefore counts as one album.

Third, Ciara was on Good Morning America, Jimmy Kimmel, the Ellen Show, and Saturday Night Live.

Rihanna had one of the most watched interviews in history and she performed at the AMAS, Ellen, among other shows. They reached as many people (if not more people) that Beyonce plus the internet is a very powerful promotion tool. Each of these albums leaked ahead of time and people listened to them before the release date. Of the three "I Am Sasha Fierce" was released first yet it is still on the charts.

It may seem like Beyonce overpromotes because she's usually promoting an album, then she's promoting a movie, then she promotes a tour.

Lastly, the author of this blog explicitly states: "2. It's Not ALL Beyonce's Fault" There are other factors which contribute to these girls' careers fading away.

terrell said...

First of all it's not the RCA it's the RIAA. RCA is a record label.

Secondly, The RIAA only counts double albums as two if total playing time equals an amount that could not fit on one disc. I Am Sasha Fierce is only 41 minutes long therefore counts as one album.

Third, Ciara was on Good Morning America, Jimmy Kimmel, the Ellen Show, and Saturday Night Live.

Rihanna had one of the most watched interviews in history and she performed at the AMAS, Ellen, among other shows. They reached as many people (if not more people) that Beyonce plus the internet is a very powerful promotion tool. Each of these albums leaked ahead of time and people listened to them before the release date. Of the three "I Am Sasha Fierce" was released first yet it is still on the charts.

It may seem like Beyonce overpromotes because she's usually promoting an album, then she's promoting a movie, then she promotes a tour.

Lastly, the author of this blog explicitly states: "2. It's Not ALL Beyonce's Fault" There are other factors which contribute to these girls' careers fading away.

-----------------------------
Who the hell are you defending someone who doesn't give a fuck about you. i actually like beyonce, but damn you people just live and breath this damn girl. shut up. get a fuccking life.

Anonymous said...

-----------------------------
Who the hell are you defending someone who doesn't give a fuck about you. i actually like beyonce, but damn you people just live and breath this damn girl. shut up. get a fuccking life.

----------------------------------
Why do people run to that when they are are unable to prove a point?

That's like the parachute for a failed argument. lol

It's not an issue of defending people it's an issue of fact and logic. Your facts were wrong and your logic is flawed because you're arguing with somebody who claim doesn't have a life and you were defending Rihanna and Ciara's poor album sales despite the fact that you probably don't know them either.

CHRISTINA MILIAN said...

enjoy your success while it last beyonce cuz once my album drops u are DONE!!! me and dream are in the lab right now cooking up something HOT!!! WATCH OUT HO!!

Jamie said...

I think you all need to see how people thought several female artists were going to do against Beyonce!:

http://www.concreteloop.com/g_images/christinablender1.jpg

http://blogs.sohh.com/soul/amerjx2-thumb.jpg

And now years later and....you know the rest.

Tina Beyince said...

CHRISTINA MILIAN said...
enjoy your success while it last beyonce cuz once my album drops u are DONE!!! me and dream are in the lab right now cooking up something HOT!!! WATCH OUT HO!!
--------------------------

You just keep bearding your oddly-shaped husband, and pushing out your oddly-shaped children, keep cashing those "Love Don't Cost a Thang" checks and keep my daughter's name out yo' mouth!

christina milian said...

my husband looks 10x better than your ugly ass camel face son in law!! fallback bitch! ur just mad cuz matty left u for a nice young tenderoni!!

Jaz said...

lol....I love this blog <3

Soulwriter said...

Yes----this is better than learning I got a B on my final, JOY!!! Thanks for cracking a sister up, I needed it, bless you!!!

Soulwriter said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! A sister needed the laugh, mad love and respect!!!

Marissa can help you with your Law Sue today! said...

I'm so mad I just saw this!

Either way it's fantastic once again.
And I refuse you for "$158 and 27 kids claimed as dependents" and "Half a pack of hot dogs and 2 loose Newports"!

cvasser said...

Anonymous said...
us billboard hot 100

russian roulette #9

hard #8

videophone #65 whoa!!!

ego #39 lmaooo!!!
---------------------
#TeamBeyonce -VideoPhone hit #1 on the US Billboard Dance Charts..Ego #3 on the R&B/hip-hop charts--Beyonce will always be Beyonce..Every song has a target audience.

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJZu8ZKtDs0&feature=fvw

^^

THIS IS BEYONCEITIS IN A 5 MINUTE NUTSHELL

Wigsonian Institute said...

While there is no doubt that Beyonce has many a wig on her mantle (btw, she should have been dusting the wigs she snatched rather than the 16 Grammy's in the WDYLM vid - but then again I wasn't the director), we should give credit where credit is due. Let's face it, Lady Gaga snatched that wig right off of Christina Aguilera's head, no?

Truthfully Speaking... said...

LOVE THIS!

Anonymous said...

Ms Fenty's Te Amo(I think i'm a lezbo for sales) and Rockstart 101(I think I'm a rock singer for reals) NO WHERE on the charts...*sips tea*

Chile Please said...

Beyonce ain't all that and this BLOG is DUMB AS HELL.

Bitch everything you write about makes no since and sounds dumb just like a stan.

Get an Education Bitch ass Hoe who runs this Blog

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Jaz said...

http://www.allshadezone.com/archives/216

Anonymous said...

Here we go with this bullshit. Another 10 cotdamn years before your talented ass posts again.

SMDH.

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I'm starting to think this site is falling off... :(

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