Backstage @ the Grammys

Last night I had the distinct pleasure of getting a press pass backstage at the Grammys. I got the opportunity to speak with a lot of the biggest artists of the past year. Today I am posting excerpts from my interviews but I would first like to thank Miss Tina Knowles for inviting me to the Grammys and for styling me this year. I was wearing a zebra-print leather choker by Miss Tina. The Black Spanx Chris Brown wore on the cover on Graffiti. A red vinyl cummerbund, and plaid bow-tie, and And a She By Sheree Cheetah Print Men's Blouse with Purple Rain ruffles.

The first artist to come by my press tent was Keri Hilson. Keri is without a doubt THE breakout R&B artist of the past 12 months. Her debut album album "A Perfect World" sold hundreds of copies around the world, and she was Soul Train and BET"s New Artist of the Year. Keri garnered attention with songs such as "Knock You Down" and "Turnin Me On" but apparently she turned Grammy voters off because she went home without nann Grammy (compared to Beyonce's record-breaking 6 Grammys making a career total of 16. Hate on it.). Me and Keri talked about her bitter and embarrassing Grammy defeat and her plans for 2010.

Beyonceitis: First of all let me just say congratulations on all your Grammy losses especially Best New Artist I bet that hurt A LOT! How does feel to be yet again upstaged and embarrassed by Beyonce?

Keri: It is just so amazing. I've had a amazing year, my career is amazing, my fans are amazing.

Beyoneceitis: Do you know what 16 Grammys look like...all together...side by side...shiny and pretty with your name on it?

Keri: No.

Beyonceitis: Nor will you ever. MTV recently asked you who you prefer between Gaga and Beyonce. You said: "Of course, Lady Gaga, any time she hits the stage I have to see it," she said. "I love her, absolutely love her. She's bringing back the whole sensory overload. You're used to seeing one-dimensional shows, but she's so [multi-]dimensional, I love it. So, I would have to say her, hands down."

My question to you Miss HIlson is what gives you the right to critique or even give public opinions about the live performances of other artists when your your styling budget is $17 and your "live show" consists of a flashlight, a CD Boom Box, and your 2 gay cousins dancing behind you.

Keri: I've had a amazing year, my career is amazing, my fans are amazing.

Beyonceitis: Did you ever think that maybe if you didn't walk around with such an arrogant sense of entitlement then perhaps you'd be more successful, considering the fact that you are mediocre in every possible way and should be trying to ingratiate yourself to as many people as possible?

Keri: I've had a amazing year, my career is amazing, my fans are amazing.

Beyonceitis: What female artists would you say are the queens of the music industry right now?

Keri: Definitely Ke$ha, Brooke Hogan, Khia, Rich Girl, Elektrik Red, Cassie, Letoya Luckett, Farrah Franklin, Kim Zolciak. Heidi Montag had an amazing album...

Beyonceitis: You know what Keri, I have a proposition for you. I have 2 boxes. In one box I have $10 Million dollars of big faced hundreds. In another box is a pot of boiling bleach. You have 2 choices. You can take the box of $10 million in cash if you say one nice thing about Beyonce or drink the entire pot of boiling bleach.

EDITOR'S NOTE: At this point Keri quickly and without hesitation drank the entire pot of boiling bleach. She was rushed to the hospital. She is expected to make a full recovery however several of her upcoming stiff and awkward performances have been cancelled.

Next to visit my tent was Ciara who had a busy night. She lost her Grammy, was not invited to present or perform, and sat all the way in the back far away from cameras, but she had a very important job as it was her duty to fold up the chairs and sweep and mop the Staples Center after the awards. I spoke with her right after she had literally dropped down low and swept the floor with it.

Beyonceitis: Hi Ciara. Congratulations on another Grammy loss. Where are your Voodoo braids tonight?

Ciara: I decided to switch it up for the Grammys. This is the most important night in my career.

Beyonceitis: Ciara you have one Grammy for popping and locking in Missy Elliot's video. Where do you keep your lonely, dusty ass Grammy?

Ciara: It fell of my coffee table and broke and is now being used as an ashtray.

Beyonceitis: What was your favorite moment of the Grammys?

Ciara: Definitely Pink's performance.

Beyonceitis: Why?

Ciara: Well, I love Pink. We have a lot in common. We're both fierce and talented performers, and we're both built like 9 year old boys.

Beyonceitis: I see. You had an amazingly horrible year in 2009. How do you plan to top it in 2010?

Ciara: Well I'm working on another pushed-back abortion of an album, and I'm reading scripts for my next straight-to-burned DVD movie. But really I couldn't fail as hard as I do without help. I have an amazing team of people around me who each play a big role in my failure. First I would like to thank my A&R people who send me incredibly weak and watered down tracks. I'd like to thank my stylist who always hooks me up. My stylist knows me so well, we have such a great relationship. I don't have to give her much direction, all I have to say is "Hey can you make me look like a damn fool?" and she sends over the most tacky and horrendous looking Rihanna-rejected outfits.

Beyonceitis: You also forgot to thank your fraudulent-ass publicists sending fake and exaggerated stories to blogs.

Ciara: What are you talking about?

Beyonceitis: Like you being Givenchy's muse? Gwarl please. There's no way in Citi Trendz hell that you are anybody's muse y'all are clearly trying to copy Beyonce's relationship with Mugler. And that bullshit about you being paid $2 million to perform anywhere in front of people.

Ciara: But that was true.

Beyonceitis: Super C-Section please. If I took all the money you ever made at every show you ever did in your life it would not equal $2 million. I hang out with Kelly Rowland and Brandy on a regular so I know how much Six Flags and the Montgomery Alabama Black Gay Pride pays and it damn sure ain't $2 million.

Ciara: I really don't need this negativity I have limos to park.

Next in the tent was Britney Spears who lost Best Dance Recording to Lady Gaga, but still showed up looking conscious and aware of where she was.

Beyonceitis: Hello Miss Spears, Congratulations on your Grammy loss and for once again having Lady Gaga snatch your wig and make you look elderly and obsolete

Britney: Thank you. It's nice to be here.

Beyonceitis: Britney despite being one the biggest selling artists of all time you have only one single, solitary, crusty, rusty ass Grammy that you've probably sold for rocks. Where do you keep your Grammy?

Britney: My Grammy was taken away from me by the courts. My father now has conservatorship over my Grammy but I am allowed to have supervised visits with it every other weekend.

Beyonceitis: What was your favorite part of the Grammy show?

Britney: Well I really had fun performing and winning tonight.

Beyonceitis: You did not perform, you lost to Gaga, and that award wasn't even televised.

Britney: Oh. I was sleep for most of the show, and I'm usually asleep during my performances so I assumed that I did something tonight.

Beyonceitis: You have had an amazing career (sales-wise) despite not having a teaspoon of discernible musical talent. What do you think has kept you around for so many years?

Britney: I think it's because I started out so young and my fans have grown up with me. I would have no career without the undying support of tone deaf queens. And they have followed me from day one. When they first jacked another boy off, "Baby One More Time" was playing in the background. When they decided to come out of the closet at their junior high school talent show they did my dance routine to "Oops I DId It Again" When they took their first dick in the club bathroom "Toxic" was playing in the background. My fans have grown and evolved with me and they relate me to important events in their lives. I'm so grateful that they continue to support me and the overproduced garbage I release.

Beyonceitis: Thank you so much Britney for your time.

Britney: Thank you and Merry Christmas.

Next in the tent was Rihanna who took home 2 more Grammys last night for her work with Beyonce's husband.

Beyonceitis: Hello Rihanna.

Rihanna: Hi.

Beyonceitis: You've had another amazing Jay-Z-sponsored evening. You took home 2 more Grammys tonight bringing your career total to 3 Grammys with Jay-Z's name on them. Do you think you will ever win a solo Grammy for anything ever in your life?

Rihanna: I doubt it. I don't have much power in the industry without Jay-Z's co-signature. And my biggest successes are usually in collaboration with other artists whether it's collaborating with Jay-Z or T.I. our touring with Chris Brown or Kanye. The highest grossing shows on my last tour were for shows I did with Chris Brown.

Beyonceitis: Where do you keep your Grammys?

Rihanna: Well Beyonce takes my Grammys, scratches my name off, and puts them beside hers and now she refers to herself as "19-time Grammy Winner Beyonce". She says I wouldn't have any Grammys without her husband, and she says if I ever try to touch them she will beat my forehead down to a normal size.

Beyonceitis: You had a memorable moment when you brought Julez up to the microphone and asked if he had anyone to thank and he said "No Thanks". I found that fitting since "No Thanks" is exactly what the general public said to "Rated R".

Rihanna: OK.

Beyonceitis: I recall speaking with you not too long ago about grabbing Jay-Z without acknowledging Beyonce. Why do you go out of your way to anger Beyonce and have her chase you down the street with a hot curling iron...again.

RIahnna: Well Jay-z is like my big brother and I can't be held responsible for the assumptions of insecure stans trying to start trouble.

Beyonceitis: Fair enough. Your latest album has been a massive disappointment all over the world and you are currently on Keri Hilson status but the press doesn't want to write about it due to sympathy over you getting double back-slapped last year. What are you plans for 2010?

RIhanna: Well I'm about to go on an under-selling world tour that's not making any money, so Super Bowl weekend I'll be doing something strange for some change in order to cover the production costs. And I'll probably re-release my album several times before we can pay for those 500,000 copies of Rated R in the trunk of Jay-Z's car.

Beyonceitis: Thank you Rihanna. Enjoy your night and your last 6 months of relevance.

Taylor Swift was next. She came in with her mom and her Grammy for Album of the Year.

Beyonceitis: Hello Taylor. Congratulations on your sympathy Grammy. Jennifer Hudson won one last year, but I think this is the first sympathy Grammy for Album of Year since Yoko Ono won after John Lennon was shot. How does it feel?

Taylor: It's amazing. It's just so surprising I can't believe it. I'd like to thank Jesus, my mom, and the Easter Bunny.

Beyonceitis: Wow. Quick question. If I entered an apple pie into a contest and you entered a peach pie into the same contest, and I won Best Pie of the Year, would it make a lot of sense for me not to also win Best Fruit Pie?

Taylor: No, it wouldn't make a lot of sense. But if I won for Best Fruit Pie it would be so amazing and surprising. I wouldn't believe it. I'd probably thank Jesus, my mom, and the Tooth Fairy.

Beyonceitis: Let's say we are both nominated at the same award show. For the sake of argument let's say The Grammys. Let's say I'm nominated for 10 awards and you are nominated for 8. Now if I win the most awards and I also have the Best Song of the Year one could reason that I had the better overall album or at the very least the most consistent year in music.

Taylor: OK.

Beyonceitis: So therefore if I have more nominations than any other artist, and I win more Grammys than any other artist, and I beat you several times, and I win a Grammy for 3 separate vocal performances, one could reason that I had the better overall album or at least a better album than yours according to the same people who gave me 10 nominations and 6 awards?

Taylor: OK.

Beyonceitis: So shouldn't you give me the Grammy I deserve before my mother puts a root on your family and a ring around your damn eye.

Taylor: Well...I don't know. I guess it t would be so amazing, and I probably wouldn't be able to believe it. I think I would thank Jesus, my mom, and Ronald McDonald.

Beyonceitis: I hate you and everything your success represents.

Taylor: Wow. That's so amazing and surprising. I can't believe it. I'd like to thank Jesus, my mom, Dora the Explorer, the Wonder Pets, and the Hamburger Helper hand.

I'll have more from my backstage interviews later this week, which means this will be my last post until July 2013.

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