Beyonceitis

Epiphany

2011-07-07T04:06:00.065-04:00

"...Epiphany isn't just a name that Black people give their daughters. It's a realization, and I just had one!"
-American Dad

I remember the exact moment I realized Beyonce was going to fuck you bitches' lives up.

It was a rainy Saturday afternoon — almost 9 years ago — and I was in the 11th grade. I was sitting in the car in the K-Mart parking lot waiting for my mother to finish buying her "personals" for that time of the month. I was reading Beyonce's 2002 VIBE cover story about her upcoming solo career. She was talking about her soon-to-be-released solo debut, her musical inspirations, and her nervousness/excitement about this new chapter in her life. As I read it, I had the oddest feeling. I felt that Beyonce's stars were about to align in a wonderful way and I found myself unexpectedly excited about what she had planned.

8 months later, the week Dangerously In Love was to be released, I was away at summer camp with no TV. All I had was a clock radio and a very slow internet connection. This was a pre-YouTube world, so I told my brother to record all of Beyonce's appearances and performances and I would watch them when I got home. (He recorded 30 seconds of the "Crazy In Love" video, 2 hours of WWE wrestling, and told me to deal.) The day Dangerously in Love was released was also the day of the BET Awards and, as luck would have it, I found an empty recreation room with a cable TV. I turned to BET and sat through an hour of high quality Black entertainment before they announced Beyonce. I vividly remember Mo'Nique introducing her as "one of the best female entertainers". I felt that was a bit presumptuous, considering she had been a successful solo star for all of a month, but I felt that she was about to live up the hype. So the horns to "Crazy in Love" start and for the next four minutes, Beyonce pulled down her bloomers and shitted from one end of the BET Awards stage to the other. When the performance was over, and I didn't clap, I didn't scream. I simply did what I would do after every Beyonce performance for the next 8 years. I got up, turned the TV off, and walked away shaking my head saying "This bitch..."

About 3 weeks into camp our parents sent us care packages and money for laundry and snacks. The YT kids used their money to buy the Harry Potter book. The Black kids bought Dangerously In Love. That summer set the tone for Beyonce, the force of nature. From reading Beyonce's VIBE interview she seemed to understand the difference between being popular and being important. Popularity sometimes leads to importance, but popularity has an expiration date. It's one thing to sell albums, singles, and ring tones, but it's another thing to create a moment around yourself and stretch it out for 9 years. To create words, music, and images that become ingrained in the minds of the general public. To have people literally terrified of your very existence. That's what she was doing, and that's what she would continue to do. Truth be known, there was a gigantic void in the industry for someone like Beyonce. As I looked at music from the year I was born up until that point (1986 to DIL) Beyonce was what was missing. We had a lot of Black female vocalists, we had a Black female dancer, and quite a few Black female personalities, but we had no Black female entertainers. There was no female Prince, or Generation Y Tina Turner. There was no unhinged, un-pre-recorded, gutbucket, go-for-broke entertainer who could give a high energy physical show without shortchanging you on live vocals and musicianship. It was very obvious that Beyonce wanted to be an old-school entertainer yet at the same time she wanted to revolutionize Black female pop in the 21st century. She didn't want to be stuffed into the R&B box just because of her roots and her skin color. It was obvious she wanted to be an all-encompassing entertainer, a stadium-headlining worldwide musical force, and a pop cultural icon. I knew she would achieve her goal, and I knew that she would be severely punished for it.

Beyonce had 3 strikes against her. She was Black, she was a female, and she actually had talent. Perhaps if she were merely a Black pretty female that couldn't sing she would have attracted a stable of underdog-rooting/personality worshiping stans, and people wouldn't have picked on her so much. But she was who she was, and she would have to deal with the consequences. The sad truth was I remember hearing about a Beyonce-hate website long before I heard about a Beyonce fan website, and the hate was only going to get worse. All races reflect their insecurities onto their celebrity idols but Black people are the only race of people that are both self-hating and self-reflexive. We are raised with a distorted sense of what it means to be "Black", "real", and a "woman" so Black pop female icons for the past 50 years have had to live up to what some people believe a "Real Black Woman" is. Because of this, there is an unspoken threshold which dictates just how a Black female artist is supposed to express her music and her sexuality. There is an unspoken line drawn which limits how far a Black female artist is supposed to go — artistically and commercially. If you cross that line you're a sell-out, a slut, or, most recently, a Satanist. We booed Whitney for being "too pop" and we've been dragging Diana for over 40 years. The irony in our hatred lies in the fact that we criticized Whitney for singing "too white" yet praised some of her peers who didn't sing at all. We say we didn't like Diana because she was a bitch, but Aretha's diva antics were just as well-documented. Our disdain for our own icons has less to do with talent or attitude, but personality and ubiquity. It had nothing to do with how well they sung or how bitchy they were when clearly we were willing to overlook vocal deficiencies and bitchiness in other singers. The problem, quite frankly, was we just didn't like them. They were beautiful, talented, polished and perfected overachievers who had the audacity to step outside how Black female artists were supposed to look, sound, and promote themselves. They had the nerve to challenge notions about how far Blacks could go in music, film, and other facets of entertainment. They showed that Blacks can be just as commercially viable (if not more so) than their White counterparts. Their success elevated Black entertainment, yet the root of the hate directed at them originated in the Black community. Because of this, I knew Miss Knowles had her work cut out for her.

A Beyonce-sponsored slayfest was about to start and history told me that the basic bitches wouldn't be able to deal. I figured that Beyonce needed a strong internet fanbase to combat the strong internet haterbase. She needed fans who truly understood who she was as an artist and entertainer. She needed stans who understood the passion and the history behind what it was she was about to do. She needed fans who knew that she was more than just a number (Hey! Hey! Hey!). She needed stans who understood that her career was not going to be a game of checkers. In order to become legendary, every move you make has to serve a larger purpose; so Beyonce would need a group of fans who were open-minded enough to see the bigger picture. Even if they didn't understand a decision that she made, Beyonce's fans would have faith that anything that she decided to do would be for the integrity and longevity of her career. I set about looking for a group of like-minded Beyonce fans who would help spread the good word of Beysus. I assumed that because Beyonce was going to be better than the majority of her peers, then it stood to reason that Beyonce fans would be better than other fans. I assumed that Beyonce stans would be as sharply gifted as the woman they stanned for. I couldn't wait to interact with Beyonce stans. It's like when you see a good movie or read good book, you can't wait to discuss it with other people. I had that same kind of excitement. Yes, Beyonce stans were going to be intelligent, level-headed, objective, patient, logical, and most of all unconditionally supportive of their idol, and we would all live happily ever after.

What I know today, that I didn't know 8 years ago is that there's a difference between a fan and an internet stan. Occasionally the two ideas overlap, but they can also conflict. I'm not saying that all Beyonce stans are bipolar, bandwagon-jumping chimps. I have met ~~a lot of~~ 2 really cool Beyonce fans in my lifetime. They were a very polite lesbian couple with brush cuts and homemade "B'Day" t-shirts. They sat one row ahead of me at the "I Am...Sausage Face" concert 2 years ago. They weren't members of any Beyonce fan clubs or websites, but they did wait outside the venue box office for 3 hours to buy front-row tickets. Full-time jobs and healthy sex lives kept them from spending 12 hours a day obsessing over every wig strand, eyelash, chart placement, and vein in Jay-Z's dick; but they were fans who supported Beyonce for her work and expected nothing more than good music and good entertainment. What I learned from the lesbians is the difference between fan and internet stan. Being a fan is an exercise in unconditional support. Being an internet stan is an exercise in vanity and e-validation. Fans are looking for music and updates; internet stans are looking for a ki and a retweet. You can be a popular internet stan and never legally buy any of your "favorite" artist's music. You can be a devoted fan and never register on a fan message board. For as long as I can remember it's always some attention-hungry superstan, with some lessor bitch's clit on his breath (claiming to be "here for Beyonce, and only Beyonce") who has the most to say. Meanwhile, devoted and rational fans like my lesbian pals remain quiet. To put it sharply, I learned very early that message boards would not be a testament to which fan is realer, but rather which fan is louder. Those intelligent discussions I thought I would be having rarely came to fruition. It was not about a fair exchange of rational opinions and factual information. It was a talking over each other and spilling second-hand tea which really wasn't tea, but random tidbits of information acquired from being a Twitter groupie. And then there the mood swings. I knew Beyonce had people who wanted her to fail, I just didn't know that they included some of her fans.

Examples:

The I Am... Sasha Fierce Era

Incident: Beyonce decides that's it's more important to make history than make the top of the Hot 100.

The Stans Said: She really shouldn't go on tour so soon. She needs more time to rehearse and she needs a bigger set. The stage is cheap. She needs more special effects, a waterfall, and a stage in the shape of the Dereon symbol with glitter all over it. She needs to promote all 9 of her singles on the Today Show, The Tonight Show, Conan, Leno, Ellen, Oprah, Arsenio, Montell, Ricki Lake, The View, Good Morning America, Good Afternoon Compton, etc.

She should've waited until about 2017 to tour.

The fans on the Britney Spears board are saying this era is a flop.

She needs to get on Twitter so I can tell her what a bad idea this is, and so I can also ask her what kind of lube she and Jay uses.

If she gets on Twitter I can plan her promotional schedule for her and all of her songs will go #1.

All of these singles could have gone #1 if she had properly promoted them.

The Truth: All of the singles didn't get as much individual attention as they could have gotten, but the album remained on the charts for over a year. More importantly, Beyonce performed TWICE at during the Inauguration festivities of our first Colored president, and the I Am...Tour made her only the 3rd African American (aside from Michael Jackson and Tina Turner) to have a tour gross more than $100 million.

So Then The Stans Said: OMG! SHE'S SO LEGENDARY! SHE'S AN ICON! SHE'S A LEGEND! SHE'S A QUEEN! SHE'S EPIC! SHE'S A EPIC LEGENDARY ICONIC QUEEN! I LOVE HER SO MUCH! SHE'S #1!

2009 VMAs

Incident: Kanye West jumps on stage and tells the God's honest truth.

The Stans Said: Wow, I hope they don't boo her and kick her out of the awards show, leading to an industry-wide backlash which ruins her career, and forces her to turn to heroin and rock cocaine.

The fans on the Christina Aguilera board are saying she's going to flop.

This is a mess.

I hope there is no backlash against her.

She shouldn't have gone to to the awards show at all.

MTV is so shady.

She really needs to get on Twitter to tell her side of the story.

The Truth: The press stated that Beyonce delivered another tour-de-force performance, won the night's biggest award, and, most of all, showed everyone what a humble class-act she is.

So Then The Stans Said: OMG! SHE'S SO LEGENDARY! SHE'S AN ICON! SHE'S A LEGEND! SHE'S A QUEEN! SHE'S EPIC! SHE'S A EPIC LEGENDARY ICONIC QUEEN! I LOVE HER SO MUCH! SHE'S #1!

Beyonce Becomes The First Female to Close Glastonbury

Incident: Beyonce decides that instead of flying to the BET Awards to do the Cat Daddy with Chris Brown, she will instead go to England to redefine herself as a live performer.

The Stans Said:

What the fuck is a Glastonbury?

Doesn't this conflict with the BET Awards?

She should cancel, risk a lawsuit, and go perform on BET.

She needs to promote here in the United States.

Selena Gomez is going to snatch her Bump-It!

She needs to get on Twitter so I can tell her what a stupid idea this is.

If she doesn't get on Twitter, I'm not going to support her anymore. I'm only going to buy 10 copies of the album instead of the 20 that I usually do.

The fans on the Mandy Moore board are saying she's going to flop.

I hope the crowd isn't mean to her.

I'm so worried for her.

I hope they don't boo her and throw mud at her, forcing her to fall flat on her face and have a severe nervous breakdown. I love her too much to even think about something like that.

The truth: All of Glastonbury was caught up in the rapture of Beysus and 170,000 screaming fans were all trying to touch the hem of her garment. Her performance received rave reviews, and, as a direct result of Glastonbury, "4" debuted at #1 on the UK album charts.

So Then The Stans Said: OMG! SHE'S SO LEGENDARY! SHE'S AN ICON! SHE'S A LEGEND! SHE'S A QUEEN! SHE'S EPIC! SHE'S A EPIC LEGENDARY ICONIC QUEEN! I LOVE HER SO MUCH! SHE'S #1!

For 8 years I read all of this in confusion. I had never seen such sharp shifts in mood and opinion on any subject. I wondered to myself, if you love someone the way you claim to love Beyonce, why do you always go to the most tragic and horrific possible outcome, especially when history tells you that everything is going to work out just fine. It was almost as though some of Beyonce's biggest stans wanted her to fail. It was becoming obvious that Beyonce may not have had the smartest stans, but she certainly had the most ambivalent stans. I tried to figure out why, then I remembered how she acquired her stans in the first place.

The problem with Beyonce's internet stan base was that in the beginning of her solo career, Beyonce's internet stanbase was not uniquely hers. Most of the people who stanned for Destiny's Child became Beyonce fans by default. (The underachievers and dark-skinned stepchildren stanned for the others.) When Aaliyah died it seemed that Beyonce got custody of half of her fan base. The other half went to live with Ashantakeriarandy. Then there are the part time Beyonce stans. The Rihanna/Beyonce stans. The Britney/Beyonce stans. The Justin/Beyonce stans/ The Janet/Beyonce stans. The Bell Biv Devoe/Beyonce Stans. The Who The Fuck Cares/Beyonce stans. These people don't stan for Beyonce as an artist as much as they stan for the position that she occupies; and when you stan for an artist's status, as opposed to the the artist themselves, part of you wants her to succeed because you want her to continue to occupy her position. You want to continue to experience the feeling of stanning for an artist who isn't flopping or dead. But then there's always a part of you who wants her to fail, because it could possibly allow your TRUE favorite to slide into her spot. That is why no song, video, outfit, or wig will ever be enough to please them because they approach everything she does with a love/hate mentality. So very early, Beyonce attracted people who didn't see her as a unique individual, but merely something to do with their time and their stan emotions. That's not to say that all Beyonce's internet stans are faux fans; and that's certainly not to say that there aren't Beyonce fans who love her first and foremost. What I have learned (particularly over last 2 months) is that when you don't have a hidden agenda or an ulterior motive, you are less likely to raise your font and make a spectacle of yourself; and you are even less likely to continue to repeat the same thing over and over again. It's like that old stereotype. When bad shit happens on the news it's always the person with the least amount of sense and least amount of teeth with the most amount of words, and anyone who could possible speak about the events in a logical and level-headed way wouldn't be caught anywhere near the drama. So more often than not, the ACTUAL Beyonce stans (with nothing to prove) simply kept their mouths closed and watched the monkeys be monkeys. It was becoming obvious that Beyonce's internet stans were not the "big picture" type of crowd. So I was caught in an awkward position. I wanted the latest updates, news, and video caps, but I didn't want to deal with people who seemed utterly confused about their feelings towards Beyonce. Nonetheless, I continued to give Beyonce's internet stans the benefit of the doubt, because no matter how contradictory and ungrateful they acted, I knew that Beyonce would always make it better.

And then this happened.

I did not like Run The World .... at all.

I did not like the Low-Quality leak.

I did not like the Mid-Quality tagged version.

I did not like the version I bought off iTunes.

I did not like it here or there.

I did not like it anywhere.

I did not like it in a house.

I did not like it with a mouse.

I did not like it in a box.

I did not like it with a fox.

When I first heard I was like this:

A week later it had grown on me a bit, so I was like this:

But after that hooker SHAT all over the Billboard awards and Oprah's Grand Finale, everytime I heard RTW I was like this:

I still understood why people didn't like it. I realized that if a lesser known artist had released it would have been the shit, and then the pretentious queens would have quickly snapped it up and uploaded it on their Tumblr audio players. Quite frankly, the song wasn't what people were expecting from Beyonce. And then there was the matter of her lyrics. I guess Beyonce forgot that girls didn't want to run the world when they can barely pay their mobile phone bills. Songs about being fucked into a state of paralysis were fine, but girls wanted no part of a song that said they could actually achieve some type of upward mobility. What Beyonce forgot was that girls don't want to be empowered by their own merit and effort. Girls only want empowerment when bad things happen to them. If they lose a job, if someone even more basic than they are hates on them, or if their boyfriends repeatedly punch them in the side of the face. Which is why the next official single "Best I Never Had" was much easier for the general public to swallow. Girls love it when Beyonce sings shit they should already know. Girls don't want to go to the club to hear that they can run the world. Girls go to the club to meet the kind of stupid-ass men that would lead them to do the type of stupid-ass shit that would warrant a song like "Best I Never Had". So, unsurprisingly, BTINH was much better received than RTW, but it was slow to rise. And Beyonce's internet stans were getting antsy.

After a year of Beyonce on vacation, I forgot that Beyonce stans were not only record executives ("This single will SMASH the alt-adult-urban-electro charts in Denmark"), they were also psychics ("This will be pushed back"), psychologists ("Beyonce thinks she's icon and doesn't have to promote") , and employees at the Census Bureau ("NOBODY in my city knows the album is coming out."). I learned from the Sasha Fierce era that if you teach a monkey to read a Billboard Chart, that monkey thinks he's Clive Davis, so speculation from the "experts" was expected; but the unusual absence of news, interviews, and promotional appearances made the speculation more rampant, and even more detached from reality. After 9 years of properly promoting her work internationally, Beyonce's devoted "stans" would lead you to believe that she was going to spend her album release date in a yacht with her hands in Jay's pants looking at the ocean. Disregarding the fact that she had performed on 3 of the highest-rated specials of the season, after a nonstarter of a first single, and a second single struggling to catch fire, it was time to be tragic again. The mood became somber, and the general idea I got from certain stans was simple: "I am only here for numbers and bragging rights and I am getting neither. Therefore this era is over me, and it is over for you." It's like going to a movie, and not liking the movie so you call of your friends and spoil the ending out of spite simply because you didn't like it. Because the chart queens and bandwagon stans had no numbers in the beginning, the era was done and over for them, and anyone who had the audacity to actually have faith that Beyonce would pull it together was labeled delusional. To me, there is a distinct line between being blindly delusional and being quietly optimistic. It seemed as though the plan was to release "Run The World" have it smash for months like "Crazy in Love" and "Single Ladies", let that smash single promote the album. But when the single leaked it was rushed to iTunes, and sent to radio. Radio sent it back and iTunes said "No" so they moved on to the next single. It seemed fairly simple to me and I wasn't going to try to concoct a complicated and convoluted reason behind RTW not working. It was a risk that didn't quite pay off. End of story. I thought it was common knowledge that the only reason we knew about European festivals and France shows ahead of time were because they were concerts that had to be announced months ahead of time in order to sell tickets. TV promo usually isn't announced until weeks or days ahead of time. Oprah was kept secret because that was the nature of the production. American Idol was kept secret because that was the nature of the production. Some festivals have exclusivity clauses which restrict the number of public/televised appearances artists can make leading up the the festival. Since the "experts" and "insiders" knew every damn thing I thought they knew this too and could possibly exercise a bit of patience; but it seems that when Run The World (Girls) flopped, it gave everybody a severe case of Selective Memory Disorder.

Making things worse, airplay and digital sales were, at best, mediocre. Even though I know now that iTunes is not the absolute final word in music relevance, I knew why digital sales were so important. Beyonce's career was about longevity and the decisions that she makes ensures that she has a career (or at least some money) 15 years from now. But stan wars are not about 15 years from now. They're not even about 15 days from now, they're about RIGHT NOW. How can I drag you RIGHT NOW? How can I make other stans jealous RIGHT NOW? No other chart encapsulates the "Right Now" mentality quite like the iTunes charts. Even though digital sales comprises about 25% of the total music sales, we were made to feel that they would make or break this era. Instead of waiting months for 1st week album sales, or concert ticket sales, digital sales have become important; not because they have any significance to the longevity of an artist (or an album), but because they are instant and constantly updated. So the digital charts can give you temporary bragging rights, but they can also give you false hope.

I'm not going to lie and say I don't care about the charts. Yes, Beyonce is a talented, iconic artist who is more important than singles, blah, blah, blah, but let's just be truthful. Real fan or fake fan, nobody wants to sit through a year of people calling a Beyonce a flop, and you don't get to Beyonce's position by flopping all over the place. No, I wasn't happy seeing "Run The World (Girls)" being outsold by Antoine Dodson, let alone by Kelly Rowland, but after 11 years of people wishing for her downfall and being wrong every single time, I wasn't quite ready to hold a funeral for an album that hadn't been released. And then there was the fact that over the past year there had been several unexpected successes (and failures) in pop music:

1st Single Hot 100 Peak: #3
Twitter Followers: 1,552,699
First Week Album Sales: 63,000 [#10]

1st Single Hot 100 Peak: #1
Twitter Followers: 8,444,284
First Week Sales: 276,000 copies [#1]

1st Single Hot 100 Peak: #3
Twitter Followers: 2,150,643
First Week Sales: 83,000 [#5]

1st Single Hot 100 Peak: #15
Twitter Followers: 3,386,875
First Week Sales: 270,000 [#1]

-No Twitter
-No nude pics
-No Nicki Minaj
-Punched ALL of you slores out of the game.

Despite the unpredictability of the music industry, back at stan headquarters, the blame game had started. Beyonce's group of devoted "stans" were not just making excuses for Beyonce, but also making excuses to distance themselves from a cold turd of an era. Beyonce's beloved stans, the same ones that drag other stans over the slightest bit of shade, were saying that she was lazy, sloppy, and unorganized — and I began to feel bad. Not because Beyonce stans were acting like chart-hungry, melodramatic, bipolar attention whores. That's a given. I was struck by the realization that Beyonce didn't need protecting from haters, it was the stans that were the enemy. All this time I thought the crab-in-barrel basic bitches would be Beyonce's biggest enemies. I hadn't realized that sometimes "stans" can be just as hurtful as haters. What's the point of trying to defend Beyonce from haters and bloggers, when her "stans" are the ones who constantly marginalize her career, her talent, and her achievements? Why am I trying to get people to see how important Beyonce's career is when her own stans are trying to reduce 8 years of slaying into 24 hours of radio airplay? It reminded me of something that happened to Dave Chappelle. After his show collapsed, and he retreated to South Africa her came back, still hurting but healing. He went on stage hoping to connect the crowd, give his side of the story, and make a heartfelt connection with them; but as he tried to talk, people in the audience shouted "Do Lil Jon!" or "I'm Rick James bitch!" For them it wasn't about the talent, hard work, or any moment which lead to that point. They weren't there to connect with an artist. They were there to see a celebrity. They could care less about his art, pain, or suffering, they just wanted sound bites and cell phone videos. Then he said something that always echoes in my head whenever I read a post from one of Beyonce's alleged stans.

" You know why my show is good? Because the network officials say you're not smart enough to get what I'm doing, and every day I fight for you. I tell them how smart you are. Turns out, I was wrong.

You people are stupid."

I would imagine that any artist trying to connect with his fanbase on a deeper level would feel demoralized to believe the people you depend on the most to speak for you and have faith for you are actually a large part of the problem. Stress from haters and entertainment executives is simply a part of being famous, but when your own fans don't have faith in you, it must be doubly hurtful. As I watched Beyonce's "stans" try to abandon an era that had barely started, I realized that's simply the price of growing as an artist. By virtue of being a pop icon, you represent different things to different people. Some people connect with the the talent and artistry, and some people are along for another type of superficial celebrity worship. At the end of the day it's not my place to dictate how people are supposed to receive Beyonce. Bandwagon money and real fan money all goes into the same account, and all of it makes Beyonce who she is. It just would have been nice to meet her halfway.

If Beyonce goes out on limb and takes the actual risk with her money and reputation, would it have been so hard to keep our mouths closed and have faith that she would pull it together? When Beyonce is successful we would go around bragging that Beyonce was so much better than the next chick because she has actual talent, takes risks, and has had an iconic career. Well the Billboard Awards, Oprah, and Glastonbury showed that as a live performer she is still untouchable. The Millennium Award showed she's an icon, and the album itself showed that she still takes musical risks. What I learned during the beginning of this era is that it's not enough. All of the arrogance and cockiness we had when arguing with other stans went out the window, right when Beyonce needed it the most. At the exact moment when she makes the most musically ambitious album of career, we bailed. Just when she takes complete control of her business affairs, we second-guess her; instead of letting her work through her learning curve as a new manager. When Beyonce walked off stage at Glasonbury she said "I will always give you 100%". For some of her fans, the transaction is not quite as equal. We give her 15% up front, an additional 5% per hit single, 10% extra for a #1 album, 5% per Grammy, and the rest goes to Rihanna/Kelly/Britney/Gaga/Whoever. Considering all that she has done and all the she gives us, would it have been too much to ask to just shut the fuck up and see how things turned out as opposed to trying to predict her downfall?

So now, with a number one album, respectable first week sales, some of the best reviews of her career, and a career-redefining performance at Glastonbury, the Beyonce bandwagon is full again. So many paragraphs later, this era is going like every other era. Beyonce's stans bitch, moan, and complain while the general public and press does all of the heavy lifting and damage control. They try to sneak off the bandwagon when things look bleak, and sneak back on the bandwagon and take credit when things come together.

This is where I get off the bandwagon.

I turned 25 this year. That means when Beyonce is done with the singles, the re-release, the re-re-release, the tour, the video anthology, the live album, and the live DVD I will be 53 years old; I feel that's too old to be arguing with people who weren't even born when Dangerously In Love was released. It's too old to try to impart common sense in people whose frame of reference goes no further than this week's singles chart, and it's too old to see Beyonce through the eyes of people who don't even like her in the first place. I want to learn to enjoy music again without the commentary. Without the pseudo-experts and insiders telling you everything they think they know. Nowadays every queen that works at Express thinks he's Anna Wintour, every queen that can read a radio chart thinks he's L.A. Reid, and every queen with Wordpress thinks he's a journalist. I'm learning that not everything has to be dissected. Somethings should just... be. If you don't like it, leave it and move to something else. I think our desire to constantly interject ourselves into the celebrity experience keeps us from truly enjoying the celebrity experience, and I simply want to enjoy music again. ~~After I go around and call a few people some bitch-made bitches,~~ this will be my first blog-less era since B'Day and my first message board-less era since...well, ever. I have a feeling she's going to slow down after this and I want to enjoy at least one era for myself with as little shade as possible.

I'm only doing this as a courtesy to the people who still stop by this blog looking for an update. The end of this blog really shouldn't be devastating news. I have made about 2 posts a year since 2007, so please try to find a way to cope. Please note that just because the Beyonceitis blog is gone, doesn't mean Beyonceitis is gone. Beyonceitis is still very real, and as we have learned it is still deadly. 2003 to 2010 was about scalping hoes. 2011 and beyond is about skinning bitches. You've pissed her off, she's feeling her puss, and now she's coming for blood.

I will continue to write, in some capacity or another. Please support me if you can find me.

Thank you to anybody whoever read any of my shit over the last 4 years. I really appreciate it. As pretentious as some of us can be, all we really want is a check and/or some attention, so thank you for paying me attention.

I leave you with fond memories and shady GIFS.

..............................................

2011-04-19T00:55:00.003-04:00

The Educated Basic Bitch

2011-02-24T19:35:00.019-05:00

I wasn’t going to devote a whole post to the Blackface/skin-bleaching/African roots/Bamboozled/Jiggaboo/Wannabe controversy. I was just going to briefly touch on it during my farewell post. But if everyone else is going to give a mundane and uninformed opinion I might as well give mine.

(sigh)

Since the beginning of time, Beyonce has had 2 mortal Internet enemies:

1. Stans of minimum-wage R&B chicks

2. Educated Basic Bitches

Educated basic bitches are different from the Lil’ Duvall/Urban Dictionary/4 kids+6 baby fathers/only goes to the library to update her Facebook page-type basic bitch. This isn’t for them because they can’t read any damn way. There is another type of basic bitch in our midst. The educated basic bitch. (Yes, you can be educated and still be a basic bitch.)

You may have some educated basic bitches in your family. You may be friends with an educated basic bitch, or perhaps you're one yourself. Either way, I think it’s time they got some shine.

So you read The Bluest Eye in college.

Fabulous.

You have a degree.

Wonderful.

You let your hair go natural.

Beautiful.

You bought all of Erykah Badu's CDs, and understood some them.

Congratulations.

That's the black and white.

What most educated basic bitches fail to grasp is the gray areas in between. You can possess all of the book sense in the world, but if you lack the exposure and life experience to turn it into something useful then you are going through life being perpetually indignant, while aping other people's opinions and outrages, and not forming any unique thoughts of your own.

None of this Beyonce shit is new. There was controversy about her skin in 2008.

And 2005.

And 2003.

We have a problem with her natural skin tone, we have a problem when she tans, we have a problem when she gets chemical peels, and we have a problem when she paints her face.

When will these conversations stop?

Brown skin is not offensive by itself. Black Face and minstrel shows were not offensive simply because performers darkened their skin.

Had Beyonce been painted brown while eating a banana and scratching herself, I think I may have been offended.

If Beyonce had been painted brown while talking like John Coffey, I think I may have been offended.

If Beyonce had been painted brown while eating a chicken-fried watermelon and tap-dancing, perhaps I might have mustered up the energy to give a quarter of a fuck.

The photos of her in brown skin represented a small part of larger pictorial.
She was modeling. Fela Kuti was not the biggest fan of the Europeanization of African women so perhaps that was the homage. I don’t know. What I do know is that she was not depicting Blacks in an outwardly buffonish way. That was the true intent of Black face and minstrel shows. Not to reduce Blacks to a skin tone, but to reduce them to subhuman caricatures.

I’m not saying the pictures shouldn’t offend you, but if the complaints weren’t coming from the same people who have been bashing Beyonce for the past 8 years, I may have taken them a little more seriously. And if the majority of the women complaining did not look like they were understudying the role of Celie in the touring company of The Color Purple, I may have taken their outbursts as actual indignation and not as personal resentment against light-skinned chicks, particularly Beyonce.

My biggest problem with this controversy is not the Beyonce shade, but what it says about our capacity and tolerance as consumers of Black art.

I used to get angry watching some Black TV shows. Not because they were offensive, but because they were bad. I would wonder why the production values were not on par with White shows. I wondered why the writing was not as creative and funny, but watching educated basic bitches get in a tizzy over what was essentially an America’s Top Model challenge, I now understand why we are so far behind.

Our quest to be righteous, moral, upstanding, politically correct Black folks is often at the expense of artistic expression. I remember having a debate with an associate of mine (another educated basic bitch) about Mo’Nique winning an Oscar for “Precious”. She wondered aloud using the same tired argument. “Why do Black people only get rewarded for being offensive?”. In actuality, Kim Basinger won an Oscar for playing a prostitute,Catherine Zeta-Jones won an Oscar for playing a murderer, and I recall no angry White uprising. But in order for my associate to know that, it would require her to be exposed to something other than the opinions of the renowned “Negrologists” she read in college. It seems that as consumers, we are artistically digressing because our reception of art is limited by everything we have not been exposed to.

As I get older, and as I have experienced racist attitudes firsthand I’m learning that “offensive” is not always about image and iconography, it is also attitudes and actions. We want people to take our opinions seriously but most of our anger is based on superficial interpretations of what it means to be “Black”, “real”, or “offensive”.

I understand that as Black people, portrayals of positive images have an added importance, but if everything we do is reduced to “offensive” and “non-offensive” it leaves no room for creativity. Some of the meatiest roles for Black actors in the past 20 years have been playing not-so-nice people. Some of the best albums of the past 20 years have featured not-so-nice language. But if we continue to let under-exposed and misinformed educated basic bitches be our mouthpieces, then we can‘t be mad at 2-dimensional characters, weak plots, and unfunny jokes because our faux indignation tells the powers that be that we are not an open-minded and creative group of people; we instead are a bunch of people looking for their next moral outrage.

I’m not trying to tell people when they should and should not be offended. I just want people to have a mind of their own. Once we start thinking as informed and cultured individuals and not as a glib and self-righteous collective I feel that we may see a change in how we’re represented in the media. And maybe, just maybe, we can stop having the same conversations we’ve been having for the last 100+ years.

So the next time somebody better looking and richer than you does something that annoys you (and they will do something to annoy you) Ask yourself a simple question:

Are you genuinely offended or are you just talking to hear yourself talk because you feel you’re supposed to be offended?

Off-Topic: Tonight @ 10PM on TVONE

2010-11-01T08:15:00.003-04:00

This Blog Will Self-Destruct Soon...

2010-10-01T08:55:00.002-04:00

But before it does, please do me one favor:

Life After...

2010-05-06T17:33:00.017-04:00

This month marks the 3rd anniversary of Beyonceitis. A few things have changed but for the most part things are the same. Christina Aguilera is still trying to write checks on an account that was closed 8 years ago. That "Rihanna Reign" still has not made its way to the top of the Billboard Albums Charts nor to Ticketmaster. LeToya, Michelle and Kelly still have to rotate shifts at Ruby Tuesdays to record their albums And Beyonce still continues to make all of you chicks look like lazy, rhythm-less, tone-deaf, untalented men.

Last weekend a 37-second music video clip for the song "Why Don't You Love Me" leaked. WDYLM is a bonus track Beyonce recorded in the quick-change booth during the Beyonce Experience in between "Green Light" and "Baby Boy". The video was shot on Jay's iPhone. The song was a bonus track which somehow made it to #1 on the Dance Charts a year after "I Am...Sasha Fierce" was released. When the full video was released earlier this week all hell broke loose. The press gave it glowing reviews and it showed that even Beyonce's throw-aways are more successful than shit you've been working on for 5 years.

The video came as a surprise because Beyonce was supposed to take most of 2010 off. Which meant that a string of "relevancy-challenged" chicks had planned to release their albums. Their stans were all excited and then out of nowhere Beyonce diverts all the attention back on her. There was (yet again) some criticism that Beyonce should let certain "relevancy-challenged" artists get their chance to shine.

Some stans seem to think the music industry should be a soup kitchen that rations out Grammys, #1 albums, and hit songs, evenly and equally. Everyone should stand in line quietly and politely and have their chance to eat. In the line are a bunch girls less famous and relevant than Beyonce and just as they get to the front of the line Beyonce cuts ahead of them like some big greedy bitch and eats everything up. A lot of you seem to think that getting Beyonce to sit down is the ticket to the front of the line.

If only it were that simple.

As the devastation of Beyonceitis gets worse I am making it my personal mission to assist basic music industry bitches with their transition to irrelevancy. I am currently writing a book entitled "So Beyonce Snatched Your Wig: Coping With Life As A Basic Bitch".

In the book I will outline ways to make your transition to VH1's Sunday night lineup as easy as possible. You can begin a fulfilling life on the Z-list with these 5 steps:

1. Know Your Place

The first step in accepting life as a basic bitch is facing one ugly truth: You. Ain't. No. Diva!

What is a diva?

Let's say you release an album and it's a hit. And you release singles from that album which are also hits. And you win a lot of awards for that album. And you go on a successful tour to promote that album. You've just had a great moment. What a diva does is takes that great moment and does it over and over with more than one album. Most of you couldn't sustain for 2 years. When Mariah Carey fell off and came back she had a career to comeback to. Most of you are trying to plot comebacks when you really didn't do shit the first time around.

The main part of accepting your life as a basic bitch is understanding that not every artist was designed to be an diva. Not all careers lead to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, or even a BET Lifetime achievement award. A lot of you chicks WILL be on Dancing with the Stars next year so you might as well start stretching right now. This isn't a spiteful Beyonce stan talking. This is history. For every Whitney Houston there was a Miki Howard. For every Madonna there was Paula Abdul. For every Janet Jackson there was a Jody Watley, For every icon who managed to managed to carve a place in music history there are dozens who faded away.

Which is not to say that every artist that doesn't become an icon is basic. Some have legitimate excuses. Some artists had extraordinary talent but were genuinely under-promoted, mismanaged, blacklisted, or just didn't get the same quality material as their more famous counterparts.

This does NOT apply to you basic bitches.

If you work with Justin Timberlake, Lil' Wayne, the Neptunes, AND your publicists send your photos to every blog in the world, your record label creates a faux relationship with someone hotter than you, and you STILL flop that's more of a reflection on YOU as a opposed to the music industry's mistreatment of you.

2. It's Not ALL Beyonce's Fault

"Why Don't You Love Me" is NOT the reason your album will fail. The Illuminati is not the reason why radio rejected all 4 of your "buzz singles". It COULD be your less than engaging stage presence, your horrific live vocals, your $17 styling budget, the questionable taste in lacefronts, the fact that your album is full of songs rejected by 5 artists who are more famous than you. The bottom line is before your stans fix their fingers to font about Beyonce or record 10 minute YouTube videos about Beyonce needing to sit down there are issues directly related to you and your wackness that need to be addressed.

If you are hot as your stans build you up to be you should be able to shine regardless of who is or is not out at the time. Gaga is shining WITH Beyonce out. Alicia shined from 2002-2008 with Beyonce out, Britney has been in a coma since 2004 and she still had a top selling tour with Beyonce out. There COULD be a piece of success for everybody...depending on how you define success. That piece might not be as big as Beyonce's piece but you should not think that it will be handed to you just because it's your turn.

Of course not everybody WANTS to be Beyonce. A lot of artists probably love the freedom that comes with being slightly unknown and off the radar, but those are not the people crying for Beyonce to take a break so they can "shine". It's always stans of basic bitches who whine the loudest Beyonce stealing all the shine. True "shine" is being secure enough in your talent and being confident that your work will speak for itself and by itself NOT as it compares to other people, particularly people who are far more culturally relevant than you are.

3. There's Nothing Wrong With Being Basic

People have tried to downplay the importance of R&B/urban music but the arguments sound hypocritical when you look back over the past few decades.

When Madonna was establishing her sound 75 years ago where did she turn? Black music.

When Madonna was trying to freshen her sound in the middle of her career where did she go? Black music.

When Madonna was trying to re-re-re-refreshen her sound in her golden years where did she go. Black music.

When Britney and Justin Timberlake were trying to move into more "mature music" where did they go? Black music.

The point is fans of pop (White) superstars try to degrade urban music and urban music artists as "ghetto" (which is a place not an adjective) but when their favorites were about to fall off it was Black music producers that kept them relevant. R&B/Urban music has set the tone for pop music as a whole for the past 3 decades, so if you're a basic chick and after years of recording, performing and flopping all you have to show for is a Soul Train Award and a #2 video on 106 and Park, damnit that's still something to be proud of.

4. Beyonce Stans Don't Hate You...

Hate implies jealousy. Jealousy implies fear and Beyonce stans aren't afraid of you. They are making fun of you.

There's a difference between "hating" and "kicking someone while they're down." You would have to currently be doing something of importance to be hated on. Sometimes people just like to magnify your misfortune and stans of irrelevant artists make it worst by talking shit all over the internet with NOTHING to back it up aside from their delusions.

The key to arguing with Beyonce stans is realizing that you CAN'T argue with Beyonce stans. Beyonce stans have time-stamped receipts, DVD-quality footage, witnesses, DNA samples, and co-signers so you can't beat them in an argument. Why would you even want to anger the stans of the most important female artist of this generation? Just look at it mathematically. Pissing off Beyonce stans means pissing off millions of people around the world. Pissing off Ciara stans means pissing off 3 people...all living in the same neighborhood, and 2 of them live in the same house. Fighting with Beyonce stans is an unwinnable war.

5. ...But Somebody Loves You

Some people feel that stars should look and perform as stars. They should be mysterious, and set far apart from regular people. These are not stans of basic bitches. Stans of basic bitches like artists that are relatable and down-to-earth, because stanning for a basic-ass chick makes your own goals seem more realistic. Whereas Beyonce and other divas seemed glossed to a point of unattainable perfection, basic bitches make celebrity and stardom seem attainable. Their flaws make them more attractive to some people:

"She's not the best singer, and neither am I...hmmm maybe I can get a record contract too."

"She's not the best singer and she sold a lot of records...maybe I can sell a lot of records too."

So no matter how bad things get you will ALWAYS have a fanbase. As long as there are HBCU dorm rooms and $5 Drink Night at clubs in bad neighborhoods there will always be a place for basic bitch music. Some people like simple, uncomplicated music. No concepts, no alter-egos, no experimentation. Just some club bangers, some mid-tempos, some ballads...and thank Jesus in the CD booklet. You may not have MILLIONS of fans but somebody somewhere will ~~buy~~ download your stuff and in a few years your "flop-ass album" will be considered an "underrated classic" (See: Afrodisiac).

--------------------------------------------------------------

In conclusion, this year as Beyonce takes her break and your careers STILL slowly fall off I want you to step boldly from your life of semi-stardom into your new life of bingo casinos, reality TV, gay pride festivals, Tyler Perry plays, and Tom Joyner cruises.

Be proud of all of that you have accomplished and don't dwell on what you have not accomplished. A lot of very talented people never even got platinum records, some never even went gold. Many more talented people will never get record contracts.

So what if you'll never be Beyonce?

So what if you had a concert at a 20,000 seat arena and only 2 niggas showed up?

So what if you will never see what 16 Grammys looks like unless you get a job cleaning Beyonce's house?

So what your movie wasn't even a hit on the Bootleg Charts?

So what if no one asks for your autograph at the airport?

So what if you work at the airport?

So what if your song wasn't a hit on the Hot 100 in America? A Top 20 song on the Zimbabwe Airplay charts is still considered a worldwide hit.

Define your career as it is, not as it could be or as it used to be. This year as Beyonce takes her break I want you to flat iron your lacefronts, hitch up your titties, put on your knee pads and start sucking for those future flop-ass tracks of yours. And release your albums 8 months after the original release date. And when those first week numbers come in I want you to flop with your heads held high.

This is life as a basic bitch. Accept it and move on. Your career is a failure but you are NOT a failure as a human being.

Backstage @ the Grammys

2010-02-01T10:47:00.012-05:00

Last night I had the distinct pleasure of getting a press pass backstage at the Grammys. I got the opportunity to speak with a lot of the biggest artists of the past year. Today I am posting excerpts from my interviews but I would first like to thank Miss Tina Knowles for inviting me to the Grammys and for styling me this year. I was wearing a zebra-print leather choker by Miss Tina. The Black Spanx Chris Brown wore on the cover on Graffiti. A red vinyl cummerbund, and plaid bow-tie, and And a She By Sheree Cheetah Print Men's Blouse with Purple Rain ruffles.

The first artist to come by my press tent was Keri Hilson. Keri is without a doubt THE breakout R&B artist of the past 12 months. Her debut album album "A Perfect World" sold hundreds of copies around the world, and she was Soul Train and BET"s New Artist of the Year. Keri garnered attention with songs such as "Knock You Down" and "Turnin Me On" but apparently she turned Grammy voters off because she went home without nann Grammy (compared to Beyonce's record-breaking 6 Grammys making a career total of 16. Hate on it.). Me and Keri talked about her bitter and embarrassing Grammy defeat and her plans for 2010.

Beyonceitis: First of all let me just say congratulations on all your Grammy losses especially Best New Artist I bet that hurt A LOT! How does feel to be yet again upstaged and embarrassed by Beyonce?

Keri: It is just so amazing. I've had a amazing year, my career is amazing, my fans are amazing.

Beyoneceitis: Do you know what 16 Grammys look like...all together...side by side...shiny and pretty with your name on it?

Keri: No.

Beyonceitis: Nor will you ever. MTV recently asked you who you prefer between Gaga and Beyonce. You said: "Of course, Lady Gaga, any time she hits the stage I have to see it," she said. "I love her, absolutely love her. She's bringing back the whole sensory overload. You're used to seeing one-dimensional shows, but she's so [multi-]dimensional, I love it. So, I would have to say her, hands down."

My question to you Miss HIlson is what gives you the right to critique or even give public opinions about the live performances of other artists when your your styling budget is $17 and your "live show" consists of a flashlight, a CD Boom Box, and your 2 gay cousins dancing behind you.

Keri: I've had a amazing year, my career is amazing, my fans are amazing.

Beyonceitis: Did you ever think that maybe if you didn't walk around with such an arrogant sense of entitlement then perhaps you'd be more successful, considering the fact that you are mediocre in every possible way and should be trying to ingratiate yourself to as many people as possible?

Keri: I've had a amazing year, my career is amazing, my fans are amazing.

Beyonceitis: What female artists would you say are the queens of the music industry right now?

Keri: Definitely Ke$ha, Brooke Hogan, Khia, Rich Girl, Elektrik Red, Cassie, Letoya Luckett, Farrah Franklin, Kim Zolciak. Heidi Montag had an amazing album...

Beyonceitis: You know what Keri, I have a proposition for you. I have 2 boxes. In one box I have $10 Million dollars of big faced hundreds. In another box is a pot of boiling bleach. You have 2 choices. You can take the box of $10 million in cash if you say one nice thing about Beyonce or drink the entire pot of boiling bleach.

EDITOR'S NOTE: At this point Keri quickly and without hesitation drank the entire pot of boiling bleach. She was rushed to the hospital. She is expected to make a full recovery however several of her upcoming stiff and awkward performances have been cancelled.

Next to visit my tent was Ciara who had a busy night. She lost her Grammy, was not invited to present or perform, and sat all the way in the back far away from cameras, but she had a very important job as it was her duty to fold up the chairs and sweep and mop the Staples Center after the awards. I spoke with her right after she had literally dropped down low and swept the floor with it.

Beyonceitis: Hi Ciara. Congratulations on another Grammy loss. Where are your Voodoo braids tonight?

Ciara: I decided to switch it up for the Grammys. This is the most important night in my career.

Beyonceitis: Ciara you have one Grammy for popping and locking in Missy Elliot's video. Where do you keep your lonely, dusty ass Grammy?

Ciara: It fell of my coffee table and broke and is now being used as an ashtray.

Beyonceitis: What was your favorite moment of the Grammys?

Ciara: Definitely Pink's performance.

Beyonceitis: Why?

Ciara: Well, I love Pink. We have a lot in common. We're both fierce and talented performers, and we're both built like 9 year old boys.

Beyonceitis: I see. You had an amazingly horrible year in 2009. How do you plan to top it in 2010?

Ciara: Well I'm working on another pushed-back abortion of an album, and I'm reading scripts for my next straight-to-burned DVD movie. But really I couldn't fail as hard as I do without help. I have an amazing team of people around me who each play a big role in my failure. First I would like to thank my A&R people who send me incredibly weak and watered down tracks. I'd like to thank my stylist who always hooks me up. My stylist knows me so well, we have such a great relationship. I don't have to give her much direction, all I have to say is "Hey can you make me look like a damn fool?" and she sends over the most tacky and horrendous looking Rihanna-rejected outfits.

Beyonceitis: You also forgot to thank your fraudulent-ass publicists sending fake and exaggerated stories to blogs.

Ciara: What are you talking about?

Beyonceitis: Like you being Givenchy's muse? Gwarl please. There's no way in Citi Trendz hell that you are anybody's muse y'all are clearly trying to copy Beyonce's relationship with Mugler. And that bullshit about you being paid $2 million to perform anywhere in front of people.

Ciara: But that was true.

Beyonceitis: Super C-Section please. If I took all the money you ever made at every show you ever did in your life it would not equal $2 million. I hang out with Kelly Rowland and Brandy on a regular so I know how much Six Flags and the Montgomery Alabama Black Gay Pride pays and it damn sure ain't $2 million.

Ciara: I really don't need this negativity I have limos to park.

Next in the tent was Britney Spears who lost Best Dance Recording to Lady Gaga, but still showed up looking very...um... conscious and aware of where she was.

Beyonceitis: Hello Miss Spears, Congratulations on your Grammy loss and for once again having Lady Gaga snatch your wig and make you look elderly and obsolete

Britney: Thank you. It's nice to be here.

Beyonceitis: Britney despite being one the biggest selling artists of all time you have only one single, solitary, crusty, rusty ass Grammy that you've probably sold for rocks. Where do you keep your Grammy?

Britney: My Grammy was taken away from me by the courts. My father now has conservatorship over my Grammy but I am allowed to have supervised visits with it every other weekend.

Beyonceitis: What was your favorite part of the Grammy show?

Britney: Well I really had fun performing and winning tonight.

Beyonceitis: You did not perform, you lost to Gaga, and that award wasn't even televised.

Britney: Oh. I was sleep for most of the show, and I'm usually asleep during my performances so I assumed that I did something tonight.

Beyonceitis: You have had an amazing career (sales-wise) despite not having a teaspoon of discernible musical talent. What do you think has kept you around for so many years?

Britney: I think it's because I started out so young and my fans have grown up with me. I would have no career without the undying support of tone deaf queens. And they have followed me from day one. When they first jacked another boy off, "Baby One More Time" was playing in the background. When they decided to come out of the closet at their junior high school talent show they did my dance routine to "Oops I DId It Again" When they took their first dick in the club bathroom "Toxic" was playing in the background. My fans have grown and evolved with me and they relate me to important events in their lives. I'm so grateful that they continue to support me and the overproduced garbage I release.

Beyonceitis: Thank you so much Britney for your time.

Britney: Thank you and Merry Christmas.

Next in the tent was Rihanna who took home 2 more Grammys last night for her work with Beyonce's husband.

Beyonceitis: Hello Rihanna.

Rihanna: Hi.

Beyonceitis: You've had another amazing Jay-Z-sponsored evening. You took home 2 more Grammys tonight bringing your career total to 3 Grammys with Jay-Z's name on them. Do you think you will ever win a solo Grammy for anything ever in your life?

Rihanna: I doubt it. I don't have much power in the industry without Jay-Z's co-signature. And my biggest successes are usually in collaboration with other artists whether it's collaborating with Jay-Z or T.I. our touring with Chris Brown or Kanye. The highest grossing shows on my last tour were for shows I did with Chris Brown.

Beyonceitis: Where do you keep your Grammys?

Rihanna: Well Beyonce takes my Grammys, scratches my name off, and puts them beside hers and now she refers to herself as "19-time Grammy Winner Beyonce". She says I wouldn't have any Grammys without her husband, and she says if I ever try to touch them she will beat my forehead down to a normal size.

Beyonceitis: You had a memorable moment when you brought Julez up to the microphone and asked if he had anyone to thank and he said "No Thanks". I found that fitting since "No Thanks" is exactly what the general public said to "Rated R".

Rihanna: OK.

Beyonceitis: I recall speaking with you not too long ago about grabbing Jay-Z without acknowledging Beyonce. Why do you go out of your way to anger Beyonce and have her chase you down the street with a hot curling iron...again.

RIahnna: Well Jay-z is like my big brother and I can't be held responsible for the assumptions of insecure stans trying to start trouble.

Beyonceitis: Fair enough. Your latest album has been a massive disappointment all over the world and you are currently on Keri Hilson status but the press doesn't want to write about it due to sympathy over you getting double back-slapped last year. What are you plans for 2010?

RIhanna: Well I'm about to go on an under-selling world tour that's not making any money, so Super Bowl weekend I'll be doing something strange for some change in order to cover the production costs. And I'll probably re-release my album several times before we can pay for those 500,000 copies of Rated R in the trunk of Jay-Z's car.

Beyonceitis: Thank you Rihanna. Enjoy your night and your last 6 months of relevance.

Taylor Swift was next. She came in with her mom and her Grammy for Album of the Year.

Beyonceitis: Hello Taylor. Congratulations on your sympathy Grammy. Jennifer Hudson won one last year, but I think this is the first sympathy Grammy for Album of Year since Yoko Ono won after John Lennon was shot. How does it feel?

Taylor: It's amazing. It's just so surprising I can't believe it. I'd like to thank Jesus, my mom, and the Easter Bunny.

Beyonceitis: Wow. Quick question. If I entered an apple pie into a contest and you entered a peach pie into the same contest, and I won Best Pie of the Year, would it make a lot of sense for me not to also win Best Fruit Pie?

Taylor: No, it wouldn't make a lot of sense. But if I won for Best Fruit Pie it would be so amazing and surprising. I wouldn't believe it. I'd probably thank Jesus, my mom, and the Tooth Fairy.

Beyonceitis: Let's say we are both nominated at the same award show. For the sake of argument let's say The Grammys. Let's say I'm nominated for 10 awards and you are nominated for 8. Now if I win the most awards and I also have the Best Song of the Year one could reason that I had the better overall album or at the very least the most consistent year in music.

Taylor: OK.

Beyonceitis: So therefore if I have more nominations than any other artist, and I win more Grammys than any other artist, and I beat you several times, and I win a Grammy for 3 separate vocal performances, one could reason that I had the better overall album or at least a better album than yours according to the same people who gave me 10 nominations and 6 awards?

Taylor: OK.

Beyonceitis: So shouldn't you give me the Grammy I deserve before my mother puts a root on your family and a ring around your damn eye.

Taylor: Well...I don't know. I guess it t would be so amazing, and I probably wouldn't be able to believe it. I think I would thank Jesus, my mom, and Ronald McDonald.

Beyonceitis: I hate you and everything your success represents.

Taylor: Wow. That's so amazing and surprising. I can't believe it. I'd like to thank Jesus, my mom, Dora the Explorer, the Wonder Pets, and the Hamburger Helper hand.

I'll have more from my backstage interviews later this week, which means this will be my last post until July 2013.

Happy 2010!

2010-01-04T09:59:00.005-05:00

I had several posts ready to go last week, but BeyonceWorld gave my computer a severe case of herpes, so I basically had to start over.

I'm going to try post them this week, even though they're kinda late...

Don't Forget To Buy "I Am Yours..." + Next Week's Album Charts

2009-11-27T14:52:00.007-05:00

If you know me then you know that I live for LIVE performances. Producers can make any strumpet sound good on CD, but VERY few artists can give you a good show without all the extra shit, bells, whistles, explosions, clowns, lions, tigers, bears, and special effects.

So that's why I want everybody to buy THE live CD/DVD of the year. We should support pure heart and soul talent. PURE Vocalists and Entertainers, not just these models, dancers, and reality stars with record deals.

So this weekend, while you are taking advantage of some of the holiday deals please set aside a couple of dollars to support THE greatest entertainer and vocalist of our generation:

And, while I really don't concern myself too much with sales and charts and stuff, I understand for most of you stans numbers is all you have and a lot of you are clutching your faux Dereon pearls wondering how next week's charts are going to turn out.

Now that the Black Friday shopping numbers are coming in, next week's Billboard 200 chart is becoming clearer. Here's how the chart is looking so far.

As of now it looks like Susan Boyle will have the #1 Album in the United States (but things can change over the weekend.)

Further Down...

Why You Should Buy Rated R

2009-11-24T11:33:00.021-05:00

The year was 2005.

Beyonce was by far the hottest in the game. She had achieved her lifelong dream of being a massive global superstar. She was snatching Grammys and hairpieces. Shutting down award stages around the world. She was having her "moment". She had the kind of career that your favorites can only dream about and, most importantly, she was getting dicked up on a regular basis.

Life was good.

Meanwhile, Beyonce's boyfriend, elderly rap legend Jay-Z, was not quite as happy. He had also achieved massive success in the music industry, but he was anxious to settle down, put a ring on it, and have about 3-4 babies with big-ass lips and oddly-shaped heads. But Beyonce was not interested. She was just starting to build an iconic career and a business empire and every time Jay would schedule a time to get Beyonce pregnant she would push it back like a Christina Milian album.

It went something like this:

Jay: Hey, Beyonce it's 9PM, I thought we were going to try to have a baby tonight at 8?

Beyonce: Well, I was on my way to your house but I decided to stop in the studio to make an album. I promise as soon as I'm done making the album, shooting 30 videos, and going on tour, you can get me pregnant.

(5 months later.)

Jay: Hey, Beyonce am I still getting you pregnant tonight?

Beyonce: Well I was driving through the Checker's Drive Thru and I saw Kelly and Michelle working the window, and we started talking and one thing lead to another, and now we're in the studio making another Destiny's Child album. I promise, you can get me pregnant after the album, the re-release, the greatest hits, and 12-month world tour.

(12 months later)

Jay: Beyonce! Where are you?

Beyonce: Oh, I can't get pregnant right now, I'm shooting a movie.

Jay: How the fuck are you shooting a movie? I sent you to the store for some milk.

Beyonce: Well, I was on my way to the store but I saw some people shooting a movie, and I said, "I wanna be in it", so I asked them and they just wrote me into the movie in 3 minutes. I promise you can get me pregnant after the movie.

This continued for awhile and both Jay and his sperm started to get frustrated. Jay was getting desperate, and one day, after heavy thought and consideration, he decided it was time to put his wifey out of business.

The goal was to find some vocally challenged, rhythmless, pretty young chicken nugget , dress her up, and surround her with a lot of loud music and bright colors to distract people from her lack of talent. He knew that some people would stan for anything with catchy songs and high heels, and all he needed was a bunch of geighs to latch on to her and it would a wrap. So while his little chicken nugget was killing the game, Beyonce would be flopping, and would have no other choice but to let him inseminate her.

He searched all throughout the United States for just the right girl for his plan, but came up short. LaFace had already snatched up Ciara and even he felt that signing one of the Destiny's Child's castoffs would be grimey.

Then one day TyTy told him about a girl in Barbados who was willing to do something strange for a little piece of change. So he hopped on a flight down to the island and when he was there he saw a young girl with the face of a model and the forehead of a Tweety Bird.

Jay-Z: Hello.

Rihanna: Ello.

Jay-Z: I heard you could sing. I've come down to hear you.

Rihanna: Well, I'm not really a serious singer, it's just something I do for fun. I have no formal vocal nor dance training, I've only sang in public once and it sucked musty balls. So I don't know if I have what it takes to be a superstar.

Jay-Z: Don't worry about that, I'll help you.

Rihanna: I don't know Mr. Jay-Z. I don't feel right about signing a record contract and taking up money and resources from artists on your label with actual talent. I don't know if I could be easy...

with that....

Part.

Jay-Z: Don't worry. You need to be more confident. I have a feeling that everything will work out.

Rihanna: I still don't know Mr. Jay-Z. Isn't Beyonce your girlfriend? If I do become a superstar wouldn't I be your girlfriend's competition? I never saw Rene Elizando running around with Paula Abdul. And I damn sure never saw Bobby Brown running around with Anita Baker. Don't you think people will wonder why you are putting so much support and time into your girl's competition? Beyonce is my idol and I don't want her to be mad at me, calling me and hanging up, and keying up my car and stuff...I just could not... be easy...with that...

(4 hours later)

...part.

Jay-Z: It's nothing like that. It's just business. What do you say? Can I make you a superstar?

Rihanna: I'm just not sure. I'm not really good on stage... What if I mess up? What if people laugh at me?

Then Jay gave Rihanna a gift which eased her worries. It was the gift that inspired her to sign a recording contract. A gift that Rihanna kept near her wherever she went. The gift that made her realize that no matter how bad she sucked, somewhere in the world some group of tone-deaf tweens and queens would ALWAYS support her.

That gift was the Britney Spears - Live from Las Vegas DVD.

From there Rihanna was put through the Def Jam machine.They put gloss on her lips, designer dresses on her hips, swooped a bang over her Superdome, and gave her the best songs that money could buy and Beyonce didn't want. Although Rihanna had a few hits, she was not putting Beyonce out of business in quite the way Jay-Z had planned. Beyonce was still running around the world, touring, shooting movies, recording, and not getting pregnant. Rihanna was starting to blend into the rest of the Beyonceitis victims, and if her 3rd album was not a blockbuster she was in real danger of getting dropped from Def Jam and Roll Bouncing at Sonic's with Tierra Marie.

But one song changed that.

That song was "Umbrella". The song was a catchy mid-tempo number. The message of the song was no matter how bad things get in you life, you can fuck Rihanna silly whenever you want to and things will be better.

From that one song Rihanna became a worldwide sensation. From the strength of "Umbrella" and the accompanying video MTV proclaimed Rihanna "the new Queen of R&B."

People ignored the fact that Rihanna was not (nor was she trying to be) R&B. We didn't ask a lot of questions. We were just tired of Beyonce and we needed a female artist who was:

1. Black (or at least Black-ish)
2. Attractive
3. Talented,
4. NOT Beyonce.

Rihanna was 3 out of the 4 and that was good enough for us. Like Jiggaman we just wanted somebody to make Beyonce go away for awhile. And as a bonus, Beyonce stans hated Rihanna with a passion and for some people, getting Beyonce stans angry was reason enough to stan for Rihanna.

From a live performance aspect her performances were always elaborately staged and choreographed, but she looked and sounded bored. As if there were about 76 other things she'd rather be doing aside from performing. She didn't have much of a range, nor volume or pitch control. And on ballads she was determined NOT to hit any of the notes correctly.

But it didn't matter. Rihanna was SLAYING the game...if only theoretically. She was a global superstar and a FIERCE fashion icon. It looked like Jay's dream was going to come true. Rihanna was dominating, and Beyonce would be put out of business long enough to hatch his offspring.

But on February 8, 2009 (dramatic pause) things went horribly wrong.

You know what happened, so I won't go too deeply into it. If you forgot I'll refresh your memory:

In the 9 months it has taken for the swelling to go down and for Rihanna to make sense of what happened to her, Beyonce has only gotten bigger. She refreshed her look and sound, embarked on her most succcessful tour yet, finally got people to take her semi-serious as an actress, and proved that she is one the most versatile performers of this time (or any time).

Who else can do this:

Do this:

And then turn around and do this:

And now there's a new terror for Rihanna and her stans to deal with:

And that brings us to "Rated R", Rihanna's 4th album in as many years.

It's a pretty good album, but then again so was "A Perfect World", "Afrodisiac", and "The Declaration." What people fail (or choose not to) consider is that there is a distinct difference between a bad album, a pretty good album, and the type of event album that lives up to the hype generated when stans claim that their favorite is about to "change the game".

In 20 years, when Rihanna is playing bingo casinos and judging American Idol, her big selling point will be "She was one of the biggest stars of the 2000's and had 5 #1 singles. If there were a relevant Rihanna fansite the motto would be "5 #1 Singles. You mad?"

So for an artist whose reputation has been derived from numbers and chart positioning "Rated R" could be seen as a big misstep, mainly because I was hard pressed to find 2 #1 singles off of the album, let alone 5. Def Jam has already played most of the album's strongest cards. They have sent 3 singles to radio, and radio sent them to Lady Gaga who wiped her ass with them.

This isn't a singles album. It's a concept album of sorts, everything blends together and there is an obvious sonic and thematic structure, sort of like a movie soundtrack. The problem is neither the concept nor the execution on record, it's the issue of executing them on stage. On "Good Girl Gone Bad", even if Rihanna sucked live on stage (and she often did) you could not deny the catchiness of those singles. This album contains songs that are less commercially accessible but more emotional vulnerable. Songs that she will probably never be able to fully execute live on stage.

So in the end, what you have is album like any other album from a Beyonceitis victim. A sharply produced album with no BIG songs, but a lot of really good ones, delivered by an artist who is unable to breathe life into them on stage. You cannot with a straight face say "Rihanna is going to kill (insert song) live." It has never happened and probably will never happen. Rihanna is not a vocalist nor is she an entertainer. She a "recording artist" in the strictest and most literal sense of the term.

So why exactly should you buy "Rated R"?

Up until "Rated R" the only thing of any great distinction that Rihanna contributed to her music was her face, name, and body. On "Rated R" the fact that Rihanna had went through a very public and very unfortunate scandal gives the album a certain authenticity that you won't find in most female albums this year.

We complain that artists don't take risks or try anything different. Well "Rated R" is a gigantic risk and it is something different. And if you excuse Rihanna's vocal shortcomings, it is still her name and reputation on the line. So if some of you are about "real" music as much you claim to be you would support art for art's sake, regardless of the artist in front of it. The album's biggest achievement is the fact that the producers, songwriters, mixers, and engineers were able to craft a deeply emotional and textured album from an artist who is unable to convey emotion with just her vocals.

And that is why you should take your debit card, run to iTunes, go to the Rihanna section, and go buckwild. On record is where she gives and gets her life, and therefore that is how we must her support her."Rated R" may or may not be Rihanna's best, but Rihanna on record is as good as she gets.

And the Grammy for Song of the Year Goes To...

2009-10-10T01:05:00.003-04:00

In Defense of Alicia Keys...

2009-09-30T11:36:00.023-04:00

"The other woman got feelings too."

--- Jill Scott

"Close your legs to married men."

---Nene Leakes

[NOTE: I'm kinda late on this, but with Matthew Knowles taping his segment on Maury Povich today and Tina Knowles bringing Solange's 1992 Acura Integra to a real slow creep around Alexsandra Wright's neighborhood, I feel like this is an appropriate time to talk about whorish activities.]

Because Beyonce is busy touring and not getting pregnant, Alicia Keys knows that it is safe to come out of musical hibernation. She is scheduled to release her album on December 1, 2009. If she were any other R&B McChicken that album release date would be pushed back to July 17, 2027, but there's a very good chance that Alicia Keys' album will actually be released on time. That's because Alicia is different... or at least she was supposed to be.

In a month or two Alicia will hit the promo trail. She'll go to 106 and nem. She'll go on the Today Show, The Early Show, The 3:45 Show, Good Morning America, Git Yo' Black Ass Up, all the other morning shows and talk shows. And she will probably perform a couple of cuts off her new album. And she'll talk all about her new album. She'll talk all about the "artistic inspiration" behind her new music. She may talk about her work with Whtiney Houston, and maybe even mention all of her numerous philanthropic efforts . One thing she will NOT talk about is exactly how long she's been sucking married penis.

This will be the elephant in the room. But thankfully for her she's protected by Clive Davis and very aggressive publicists so she won't have to answer any awkward questions. But for the people on the nigganet and the people who bought into her image, Alicia still has a lot of explaining to do.

If you are a loyal reader then you would know that I like Alicia. In the past when people have accused Beyonce fans of hating on every other female artist we could say: "We're not haters. We like Alicia Keys." Alicia has generally been a friend to the Wig Compound. She and Beyonce toured together in 2004, she has publicly given glory to the name of Sasha Fierce, and she has never told Beyonce to go sit down and have babies. She has learned early in her career that fat meat is greasy, so she doesn't release albums in the middle of Hurricane Sasha season. Because she has been such a good friend to the Knowles Klan the Creole Gods have rewarded her and career, and she has been allowed to break bread and roll blunts with Beyonce, Celestine and the Gang.

I spent 4 of my very crisp $20 bills to see Alicia last year at the Verizon Center. I went with a hardcore Alicia stan. When the concert was over I was fairly entertained. On an entertainment scale of Brooke Hogan to Beyonce it was a Kylie Minogue.5. Not bad at all.

But my friend, the Alicia stan, was clearly disappointed. "It was good...but she sounded funny", she said. "Like she was singing from her face." "Something wasn't right."

I knew what she was trying to say. Although people accuse Beyonce of being over-packaged and over-marketed to compensate for certain deficiencies Alicia is just as packaged and marketed but in a different way. The truth is when you see past the packaging, the marketing, and the Aretha and Roberta Flack rehashings Alicia Keys = Beyonce + a piano, minus rhythm and vocal control. But we have long been programmed to believe that "real music" comes in certain packaging.

Which is not to say that she is not talented, because she is clearly very talented. She has been apart of some of the best songs written this decade (which may or may not be saying much), and she brought live instruments back to the Autotune generation. People had positioned Alicia to be something of a saviour of "real" R&B music. She was proof that you can be commercially successful and still sing about "deep" things.

Because of that positioning and packaging it may have come as a shock and disappointment to her followers and observers when it was uncovered that Alicia had been carrying on an illicit (yep, illicit) affair with a very married man.

Not Alicia!

Not Miss Karma!

She's deep!

She's real!

She's not some tarted-up whore shaking her ass like the rest of the girls.

She was supposed to be different.

She had braids!

WITH BEADS!

SAY IT AIN'T SO!

(sigh)

When the story broke I of course immediately thought of Beyonce. The Alicia Keys scandal hasn't really infiltrated to mainstream media outlets, but I knew that if it were Beyonce then it would get around-the-clock, September 11th-type coverage. The stans would probably try to defend Beyonce. Something like: "Beyonce didn't mean to sleep with a married man, she just tripped and fell on his dick. Stop hating! You're just mad because she has 10 Grammys!"

Me personally, I really didn't care. Alicia Keys' love life has no direct affect on me as a person. I have this funny little habit of stanning for talent a little more than personality. Which is not to say that Alicia's personality (or perceived personality) doesn't play a part in why I like her so much. Alicia appeared to be a cool ass chick, somebody that you not only wanted to hang out with but would probably let you hang out with her. But the truth is Alicia could be the rudest person in the world and fuck every hip-hop producer in the industry and it still won't change her skills as a musician and songwriter.

In reality, an attractive personality and/or image can go a long way especially if there's not a talented person attached to it. If you were to make a list of your 5 favorite artists there are probably better singers and/or entertainers than everybody on your list (if you think objectively) but most people don't think objectively. We like to project ourselves onto our celebrity idols, and in turn we want to see part of ourselves in them. In the minds of most fans when they buy albums and concert tickets they are also buying a share of a celebrity's personal life. So, as a celebrity it's important to do all the things your fans would do if they were in your shoes. So you can understand somebody's disappointment when it is uncovered that Alicia had been having an affair, or that maybe Beyonce didn't call Jennifer Hudson after her family tragedy, or maybe Ciara is really a Bird In The Chicken House. That is why we make statements: like "I lost respect for (INSERT ARTIST) when she (INSERT SHADY ASS ACTIVITY).

In reality all these artists owe us is entertainment, and none of what they do off-stage is really any of our business. But as much as we say we want "real artists" doing "real music" what we really want is friends and pleasant personalities. It's just another form another form of celebrity worship. So that list you made of your 5 favorite entertainers is really the list of the 5 celebrities you want to hang out with.

If you are personally upset by the Alicia Keys scandal that would be proof that you have invested feelings in her which transcend entertainment.

The reaction I've seen from some of her stans is almost as if you caught your pastor coming out of a whorehouse with crack crumbs on his mouth. People who had bought into the Alicia Keys packaging may have felt betrayed, but in reality she was just an entertainer who did something that ordinary people do every day. So why are we making a big deal?

The truth is as much people accuse Beyonce stans of worshipping her, celebrity worship exists with "deeper" artists as well. It is not spoken because much in the same way that these artists are packaged to be above and greater than worldly things their fans position themselves in the same way. This Alicia Keys+ Married Penis Scandal has brought to light the fact that that the line between "real artist" and "packaged personality" is not has wide as we thought it was. Whether or not they wear blond extensions or beaded braids if you are trying to sell albums or concert tickets you are packaged and marketed to appease a certain audience.

To better understand this allow me to go back in time.

Picture it. 1998.

Sixth grade.

Every girl I knew who didn't aspire to live the rest of their lives in Chittlinwash, North Carolina working at Bojangles bought the "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" album. It was and still is a masterpiece. Lyrically and musically it was textured in a way that was not permissible in late-90's R&B/Hip-Hop. If you were a girl lost in the world, or trying to find your way, Miss Hill pretty much laid down the law. It was seen by many as a manual on the right and wrong way for a black woman to conduct herself.

DVD skip ahead a couple of years. It turns out it was all a lie. That's not who she was. It had been an illusion. She realized that the "Miseduaction" Lauyrn Hill was not who she was or wanted to sell to the public so she rejected that image. That may have been all well and good for her, but what about the girls I had grown up with? The ones that patterned their lives after the lyrics of that album. The ones that had stopped buying boxes of "Gentle Treatment" relaxer and started rocking dreads, twists, and Florida Evans afros. What about the ones who were unsure of how they could change a world they didn't fit into? Because of this album things made a little more sense to them. They latched on to Lauryn's perceived sense of self and made it their own.

But Lauryn said it was all a lie.

Were they wrong too?

I don't think so.

Another option for those girls that I grew up with would have been to stop letting entertainers define their morals, self-worth, and self-esteem. Let who you are be defined by your live experiences instead of a CD booklet. There's nothing wrong with turning to music to reinforce your strength or self-worth, but in order to reinforce it that means a sense of self-worth already has to be there. And when you depend on packaged personalities to give you standards to live up to you set yourself up for disappointment, especially when they can't even live up to those standards.

The best thing for us to do as fans of music is to get to the place where we support artists for their art as opposed to their personalities, hairstyles, or personal lives. That way we won't be disappointed when we find out that who they are off-stage is a sharp contradiction to what they appear to be onstage.

That's part of what I was trying to explain to my disappointed friend last year as we walked out of the Alicia Keys concert. She was disappointed by Alicia's vocal shortcomings that night. I tried to explain to her that for a live vocalist it is difficult to deliver the same amount emotion and conviction every night, so try to forgive her for not sounding exactly like her albums. In much of the same way it may be also difficult to live up to the demands and expectations of fans who see you as a saviour rather as an entertainer. When you present an image or a way of life that you don't live up to, you might not only disappoint yourself, but the people who follow you. I'm not defending her right to be a whore, I'm just defending her right to be human.

LISTEN : Jill Scott - My Love (live)

----------------------------------

Wiggage Claim

2009-09-15T12:36:00.009-04:00

This wasn't the first time. Get over it.

Last weekend a tragedy occurred on 3 continents.

On Friday night (September 11) Beyonce peformed at Jay's 9/11 concert. (that concert by the way was EPIC. Mary came out and killed it, Kanye came out and killed it, Diddy came out and vogued, Kid Cudi came out and killed it, Barack came out and freestyled to "We Run This Town". It was truly a historical event. YouTube it.)

On Saturday (September 12) After Beyonce snatched wigs in NYC she flew 8 hours to Europe to watch Jay-Z open for Coldplay.

On Sunday (September 13) The strumpet then flew 8 hours back to NYC to rehearse Sunday morning and snatch more hairpieces Sunday night. Then won Video of Year, then hopped on a 23 hour flight to a sold-out show in Australia, and killed it again.

If your wig was snatched by Beyonce over the weekend please contact the Wig Crypt Wig Claims Hotline, give Angie your wig ticket number and we will overnight your wig back to you.

I enjoyed the VMAs mainly because it provided a truly shocking moment. In this age of internet and Twitter, big-mouthed back-up dancers, and blogs trying to give "EXCLUSIVE!" information it's very hard to keep an award show secret, so when Kanye staggered on stage it was refreshing because I was truly surprised.

As for Kanye's outburst I really don't care. Most of you WISH someone would jump on stage and defend the flops you stan for but that's not really relevant to the point. You just hate that Beyonce was the focal point of yet ANOTHER event.

I feel that Taylor Swift deserved to finish her speech in the same way Kanye got to finish his Grammy speeches, and the same way Beyonce got to finish all of her speeches including both of the times that she won Best Female Video.

However I think I understand where Kanye was coming from.

MTV pimped Taylor Swift out for ratings. In reality ALL celebrities get used for ratings but in Taylor's case it was more obvious because MTV historically hasn't paid this much attention to country music. Shania Twain was nominated for Best Female Video in 1998, and even though her album sold 20 million copies in the U.S. she was not invited to perform. Although Shania's video was actually a great video and deserved the nomination, MTV obviously did not feel that she was relevant to the VMA broadcast and their "audience" (not unlike how they felt Black artists back in the day). Even at the height of their fame the New Kids on the Block never performed at the VMAs and only got one nomination for a technical award. 15 years ago Taylor Swift would NOT have been invited to perform regardless of how many records she sold, and the Jonas Brothers would not have been invited last year, mainly because MTV adhered to certain "rules of cool" and just being popular didn't guarantee you an invitation on the stage.

Around about 1999 the line between "great video" and "popular video" became very thin, and MTV started giving performance invitiations (and actual nominations) to any and everybody with a hit record, regardless of the artistic merit of their videos. If a head of lettuce got a #1 album, MTV would book it to perform on the MTV Awards with Madonna and give it 6 nominations.
Taylor Swift is a talented young lady who is deserving of ALL of her success, but honestly Sunday night was my first time seeing her video, and I seriously doubt that she would have received an invitation to perform if she didn't have the biggest selling album of any (living) artist of 2009.

So basically I was left believing that she got an award just for showing up and for attracting the millions of people who bought her album to watch the VMAs. There's really nothing wrong with that since it was a fair exchange for MTV using her for ratings. But when you look at it from an artistic standpoint you can see Kanye's frustration. Kanye clearly takes his music and the accompaning visuals very seriously. He devotes an insane amount of time and money to his music, videos, and live shows. Perhaps a little too much time and money considering the attention span of our generation, and the fact that most of his videos will only get played on YouTube and iPhones.

When you take your art that seriously you expect others to take it as seriously. When there is an award for Best Video you somehow expect them to give it to the "best" video. I'm aware that what's the best to one might not be the best for others, but the name of the category was Best Female Video. To me that evokes striking and memorable images of female iconography, strong female images, and I really can't think of a more striking image than Beyonce grinding her Creole Catfish into the camera in the Single Ladies video.

And I feel that if Beyonce had the Best OVERALL video of the year then one could reason that she also had the Best Female Video especially since Taylor Swift was not nominated for Video of the Year.

So for MTV to give an award to somebody just for showing up has to irritate Kanye on many levels.

I feel that the right thing to do would have been to give Beyonce every award she was nominated for (with the exception of Best Special Effects and Best Art Direction. And I could've lived with Lady Gaga taking Best Pop Video) MTV instead decided to ration the awards out like government cheese ( © Alexyss Tylor)

But that's all I have. I'm really tired of hearing about it and thinking about it.

And don't say I wouldn't like it if someone interrupted Beyonce's speech. First of all that would never happen. Julius would've sliced and pepper-sprayed Kanye and Lil' Mama about 18 different ways before they even made it on the stage.

This really doesn't change my perception of Kanye, and still I plan to buy a ticket to see him and Lady Gaga be dramatic cunts in DC if/when the tour gets here. But I what do I know...I stan for talent.

Congratulations to Beyonce on her 8th VMA, and congratulations to Jaquel Knight on his first VMA and to Frank Gatson on his 5th VMA.

SIDENOTE - And I'm usually not a fan of Fire Engine Freakum Red either on Beyonce's hips or on Mama Tina's lips, but Beyonce really made this work for her.

Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!

This is also my 100th Post. That means over the past 24 months I have posted about 4 times a month.

That's a damn shame.

Those numbers are more depressing than _____________________________'s album sales.

I'll let you fill in the blank.

I just can't deal with you people right now.

Why Won't You Let Britney Be Great?

2009-09-07T07:38:00.015-04:00

I think we can agree that vocally, Britney Spears will never be Aretha Franklin.

She'll never be Whitney Houston.

She'll never be Jennifer Hudson.

On her best day she probably won't even be Ashanti.

Shit, she'll never be Cassie.

So you can imagine my surprise when I saw a video of Britney singing "live" and my ears did NOT bleed.

Britney Spears has never been a singer. I really don't recall an artist since Milli Vanilli who has achieved such great success by not doing a damn thing. Dance-wise she currently moves like a retired Vegas stripper who had a hip replacement. Vocally she... she doesn't. Even her biggest stan will admit that they know that she cannot sing nor dance, but just being in the arena in her presence is worth the price of a ticket.

She has been apart of memorable performances but most have revolved around a stunt of some kind as opposed to some extraordinary singing or dancing.

Her 2000 VMA performance revolved around her NOT singing while stripping.

Her 2001 VMA performance revolved around her NOT singing while holding a snake.

Her 2003 VMA performance revolved around her NOT singing while bumping vaginas with Madonna.

Her 2007 VMA performance...

Let's not.

Her rendition of "You Oughta Know" was not designed to prove that Britney is a great vocalist. That will never happen. Britney's legacy will not be that she was a great musical artist. There's really no such thing as the "Britney Sound". No one has aspired to "sound like Britney Spears". She has, however, influenced other performers. She has paved the way for the Miley Cyruses, Brooke Hogans, Kim Zolciaks, and Paris Hiltons of the world. Personalities who are neither good singers or dancers, but can still be apart of good music with the right marketing and producers.

Obviously Britney's rendition of "You Oughta Know" wasn't vocally spectacular. It would probably get her laughed out of the American Idol audition room, but it is not fair to compare Britney's vocals to Beyonce nor Alanis. In order to find the triumph in her performance you must take the performance in its proper context and think of its intended audience. Her audience, her stans, the people who pay to watch her NOT sing or dance all seemed to love it and that's all that matters.

As hard as it must be to be Britney Spears it must be even harder to stan for her. Everyday you're reminded that you stan for an industry joke who is not even 30 years old and yet is somehow past her prime. You have to deal with bad reviews, YouTube haters, and Family Guy jokes.

Like this:

The worst thing Family Guy has said about Beyonce (so far) was in the "Family Gay" episode when Peter says "“Awwww I wish I was Beyoncé”.

So after all the shit that Britney and her stans have been through we should be proud of the fact that she has made headlines for doing something that does not involve shaving her head, dropping her baby, or showing her twat. The fact that she is a "singer" who actually made headlines for (GASP!) singing is an achievement within itself.

It is not my desire to take this away from her. It's not like Beyonce is suffering right now, or desperate for some positive attention.

In the same way that Britney stans think she is the best thing since cooked crack, Beyonce stans think she is great too, but we have some credible co-signers:

Tina Turner, Diana Ross, Michael Jackson, Prince, Kanye West, Teena Marie, Donna Summer, Debbie Allen, Ellen DeGeneres, Tom Cruise, Hugh Jackmann, Mike Meyers, Dionne Warrick, Grace Slick, Patti Labelle, Annie Lennox, Bono, Chris Martin Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Neffie Obama, Pookie Obama, etc...

Even Ted Nugent is a damn fan.

Stevie Wonder even went to Beyonce's show. And he just doesn't leave his house for any random broad.

Beyonce stans may be delusional but we have legends, reviews, AND numbers to support our delusions.

Britney's greatness exists mainly in Soundscan numbers from 1999 and in the minds of the tweens and power bottoms who call themselves her stans. Her tour is the highlight of 5 years of embarrassments, humiliations, and missteps, and even the nicest reviews admit that she is the LEAST entertaining aspect of her own show. That has to sting a little bit.

She IS a pop icon meaning 20 years from now she will be one of the figures who will represent our culture. But while the Justins, Kanyes, and Jay-Zs will represent the sound of our generation Britney will represent the consequences of fame. She will represent what happens when you give too much fame to children with neither the maturity to handle it nor the talent to sustain it.

Life has given Britney Spears and her stans one sucker punch after another. Because of these things I will not take this small victory away from her.

She deserves it.

It's been Beyonce Week every week since 2003. If she's not winning Grammys, she's selling out shows, or selling albums, or singing for the president, or selling Dereon Vaginal Wash, or just doing something somewhere to remind you that she is better than everybody.

Beyonce's career is and has been overflowing with greatness for a while now. So why can't we let Britney have this one victory?

Why can't we let Britney be great?

A Fork and a Flashlight

2009-09-02T09:17:00.018-04:00

Dear Beyonce,

I wanted to wish you a Happy early Birthday. I know you will probably be busy spending it at a fancy restaurant, or on an island, or under your husband so I'd like to give you your presents early:

It's a fork and a flashlight.

You may not understand why you need these things, but it will all be clear after you read this.

I heard that you are performing at the MTV VIdeo Music Awards. I am both excited and worried about this announcement.

I remember your first major solo award show performance at the 2003 BET Awards.

Even before you sang a single note, or wiggled a single bootybuttcheek Mo'nique introduced you as one of the greatest female entertainers of your time. In less than 5 minutes you made it very hard to be a female in the entertainment industry. Lives were lost. Ponytails were snatched. Careers were ruined. Ashanti went from artist of the year at BET to employee of the month at Dunkin' Donuts.

After the BET performance there was a long line of memorable performances.

You being lowered down like a Creole piñata at the VMAs.

You and your clones at the Billboard Awards.

You and your army of homothugs doing your Dereon mating dance in a ring of fire at the Radio Music Awards.

Your mash-up with Andre 3000 at the Brit Awards.

Your performance with Prince at the Grammys, even after him and Tina got into it backstage over some eyeliner and her purple freakum heels. = Classic.

And your 2006 BET Awards "Deja Vu" Performance?

From 2003-2006, on award shows stages around the world you served hot Cajun Catfish with a side of cole slaw. And all the children wanted a piece.

However, since that time something has changed with your award show performances.

It's not that you've become sloppy like certain performers. Overall you've become a better version of yourself. You've become a more restrained singer and a much more graceful dancer, so the quality of your performances definitely hasn't decreased. The problem in regards to your award show performances is not that you've become a lazier performer but a better businesswoman. You decided to save your best ideas and performances for your tours rather than give them away for free at award shows.

I guess your thinking was if people wanted to see you at your best they would have to buy a concert ticket, or at least buy the DVD.

The problem with that is that even with your recession seats, for some of your fans it may not be financially or logistically possible to see you live in concert. And although concert DVDs are supposed to capture the best of you on tour I'm sure a lot of other fans would agree that vocally and lacefrontally, the Atlanta show was not the best show on the Destiny Fulfilled tour, and the Los Angeles show was damn sure not the best show on the Beyonce Experience tour.

So there are people around the world who still need to be reminded of who you are and what kind of damage and destruction you are capable of.

I was told that you would be performing "Sweet Dreams". If you are planning to come out dressed like the tooth fairy and do a slowed down MTV Unplugged type thing I would prefer you just stay home, watch it on TV, and let Kelly grease your scalp.

Now, more than ever, it is important that you deliver a jaw-dropping performance. There are some people online who are going around using words they don't know the meaning of. Words like:

"slay"
"epic"
"icon"
"diva"
"queen"
"legend"
"singer"
"live vocals"
"female"

There are people who think someone "slays" a performance just by showing up and not passing out.

There are people who think backbends and splits make an "epic" performance.

There are people who have become music "icons" just by being photographed, turning the sidewalk into a catwalk and hanging out with other people's husbands.

That's why on September 13th I need you to eat this performance like a Popeye's 3 piece. (That's what the fork is for)

I need you do lay down a the type of performance that you did back when you had something to prove.

I want chicks to buy super glue to protect their hairpieces from the wig-snatching that you will bring in New York City that night.

I want even your the your biggest, most bald-headed, most menopausal blackvoices.com hater to be like "Did you see what the fuck Beyonce did last night?

But wait there's more.

You're probably wondering what the flashlight is for.

Because the VMAs are a MTV production there's going to be so much shade in that building that you're going to need an alternate light source to see all those two-faced bitches. For the past year or so MTV has been throwing large amounts of shade, salt, and grease towards you. It is evident in everything they've written (and haven't written).

In March I made a post about your tour and Britney's tour and how I thought MTV would treat you two. It pretty much said that you would work yourself into exhaustion on stage for over 2 hours and get nothing but shade and all Britney would have to do is show up and not piss on herself and she would have the greatest tour in history. I was half-joking at the time but unfortunately that joke became a reality.

MTV.com has written no less than 37 articles about Britney's tour.

Despite the fact that you have one of the most commercially and critically successful tours of the year they could only be bothered to write about 5 articles about your tour, most of which did NOT appear on the main page.

What really overcooked my hamhocks was this article "Was Beyonce Lip-Synching?" concerning your performance at the Oscars. I just find it a little odd that a network who seems so deeply in love with an artist who hasn't sang live since "The Parkers" was on the air would be so strongly opposed to the idea of you using pre-recorded vocals. But I guess that's the name of the game.

I know a large part of this is the fact that they still have egg on their face from when Britney made an ass of herself and them with her comatose performance at the 2007 VMAs. So in writing damn near 40 articles about her tour it creates the illusion that Britney is still relevant to people aside from her stans.

I would like to think that you and Britney are of equal importance to MTV, but the shade they've been throwing is about as subtle as your acting in The Fighting Temptations. I know that the economy (and legitimate journalism) has changed and objectivity does not pay the bills, but I miss the days when MTV.com was a legitimate and (somewhat) balanced news source instead of the gossip blog that it has become.

As for your nine nominations I'd like to think that the cultural significance of the "Single Ladies" video would be enough to guarantee you at least the Video of the Year award, but historically the VMAs hasn't always done right by us Negroes regardless of how culturally significant our videos were. Michael Jackson's "Thriller" did not win Video of the Year in 1984. Janet's "Rhythm Nation" wasn't even nominated for Video of the Year in 1990. And it took 11 years for a Black act (TLC) to actually win Video of the Year. They've cut the "Best R&B Video" award which would not have only recognized you but also exceptional R&B videos released this year from other artists including your sister Solange.

I'd like to have a positive attitude about the VMAs, but I can smell bullshit a mile away. You just make sure Mama Tina brings her boxcutter and fighting wig.

Because of this I need you to go into the VMAs with a different attitude. This is not the year to be humble. As Erykah Badu said "Being humble is so 2007". I need you to be a diva that night. I am tired of seeing you smiling and giggling every time the camera is on you. Ain't nothing in the world that damn funny. At the VMA's I want you to be the messy bitch Tina raised you to be. I want you to throw the type of shade that only a drunken queen or an iconic diva can throw. Take it back to the Destiny's Child days when you could shut a chick down with just one look. Roll your eyes. Fold your arms. Cross your legs. Boo bitches off the stage if the spirit moves you. I want you just get really hood with it. Spit sunflower seeds at the stage when Keri Hilson is on stage. Get a pillow and pretend to be sleep when Britney gets on stage (it won't be that hard). DO NOT tip Ciara when she gives you the keys to your car at the valet parking booth. Be the mean diva that people think you are. They already hate you, give them a good reason.

In conclusion, even if you disappoint me at the VMAs I'll still support you. I'll just talk about you behind your back in blog comment sections like your other fickle-ass fans.

And I'm changing the name of this site to Cassieitis.

Thank you for listening.

And Happy B-Day!

Online Class (Part 1)

2009-08-18T22:19:00.027-04:00

When Obama was elected president I vowed that I would make the effort to contribute more to society. I was not content on just being productive in my own life, I wanted to reach out and touch others, but I was unsure exactly how that would manifest itself. So I thought about it, prayed about it, meditated, listened to B-Day, and asked Jesus to put a word in my heart. Then one day I realized what my calling in life was to be.

I began a mentoring program. Me and a bunch of other ~~Beyonce stans~~ Sasha Fierce Support Representatives went to pre-schools and elementary schools and taught children the correct way to stan for Beyonce on the internet. We would teach the children basic concepts about stanning for Beyonce.

EXAMPLES:

The mentoring program became a huge success and led to me getting a teaching position. Now, twice a week I teach an adult class at the Cournelis P. Dereon Community College and DNA Testing Center. The name of my class is "Bitches Bitching About Bitches Bitching: The Art of Blogging and Message Board Posting".

Before class begins, I require that all of my students read the following books:

LESSON 1 - THE FUNDAMENTALS OF MESSAGE BOARD POSTING

The first thing I teach my students is the fundamentals of posting on a message board. My students can use what they learn in my class and apply it to any blog or message board, but I use BeyonceWorld message board as an example because:

1. It is the most famous and infamous message board on the net.

2. It is where fuckery and skull dragging was born.

3.There isn't shit going on at any other message board

I let my students know that posting on BeyonceWorld is the most important thing they will ever do in their lives. Picking a BeyonceWorld screen name is more important than picking a name for your first born.

Registering for BeyonceWorld > registering to vote.

One of the first things I teach my students is that although it is a Beyonce message board not everybody is there to give glory to Tina's firstborn. If you want to stan for Beyonce then buy a damn concert ticket. A Beyonce message board is mostly a social networking site. Although there many different kinds of people who come to the board they can usually be classified in the following categories:

TYPE 1 - RABID STANS - Left alone in their natural habitat Beyonce stans are harmless. However, if you make even the smallest remark about Queen Creole then it's pretty much a wrap. Beyonce stans don't have sympathy. They don't care if you're a legend. They don't care about your family tragedy. They don't care if you boyfriend Boom Boom Powed you in a parking lot. The only thing that matters is that Beyonce Giselle Knowles is the queen of the universe and if you even think anything contrary to that then Beyonce stans will ruin your life, your career, your record sales, and your Twitter page.

TYPE 2 - F.O.F's - FANS OF FLOPS - Stans of Ciara, Keri Hilson, Nicole Schizerzensipsipsipsippinonsomesizzurp and the Boogina Cat Dolls, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Janet Jackson, Ashanti, Brandy, and the other girls on the early lunch shift at Sonic's.

Over half of BW regulars are refugees from other message boards who like other artists MUCH more than they like Beyonce, but they have set up camp on BeyonceWorld. Registering on Beyonceworld gives Fans of Flops something constructive to do in between disappointments. It's a lot more fun than sitting on a Britney Spears board trying to convince yourself that 1999 album sales = 2009 relevance. Or sitting on a Janet board listening to the echos of what a respectable career used to sound like. Or sitting on a Keri Hilson board and...what the fuck do y'all talk about up there?

Some F.O.F's may pretend to like Beyonce to fit in, others are more upfront about their disdain for Beyonce, yet they register and sometimes have higher posts than actual fans. Pretty much the an F.O.F. says "The artist I stan for is so lame even her message board is flopping."

The majority of message board wig-snatchings occurs when a Rabid Beyonce Stan and a F.O.F. go back and forth trying to "own" each other. Realistically a Beyonce stan doesn't have to "own" anybody. The Billboard Charts have owned Brooke/Ciara/Keri/Brandy/Christina/Tiny/Toya/Kima/Keisha/Pam. Time has owned Janet. Life has owned Britney. All a Beyonce stan has to do is kick them while they're down. Yet some Beyonce stans insist on letting the F.O.F's get their blood pressure up.

TYPE 3 - THE SADITTY COMMITTEE - These people really don't stan for anything, they have just come to "put stans in their place" or "bring stans back down to reality".

(sigh)

Joining BeyonceWorld to bring stans back down reality is about as useful as me handing out NAACP pamphlets at a KKK rally. It's a noble effort (in theory), but these people already have their minds made up and they are dedicated to their cause. The only thing I'm going to get is frustrated, and possibly a Mississippi ass-whooping.

Ironically, the people who go to message boards to "put stans in their place" never leave. It's like going to a crackhouse to chastise the crackheads and then getting hooked on the pipe yourself. You're just as guilty as the people you are criticizing and you make yourself look foolish since you spend a significant portion of your day with people you think are beneath you. (SEE: THE SADITTY HOMOSEXUAL)

TYPE 4 - THE SADITTY HOMOSEXUAL - The geigh male who actually admits to being geigh but hides his love of Beyonce because he is afraid that stanning for Beyonce will make him look like a typical homosectional. Sometimes in our quest NOT to be stereotypes we end up frustrating ourselves. Some stereotypes are true. I love fried chicken and I'm not going to skip the Popeye's drive-thru because I want to disprove a stereotype. There's nothing wrong with being a typical homosexual. Your father was a typical homosexual.

Members of the Saditty Committee suffer from a condition I like to call "Pot-Kettle Syndrome". I was raised to believe that if I talked about myself, my flaws, my faults, and all the dirty and shady things I've done then I wouldn't even have the time to bad-mouth anybody else. Most people don't follow this rule and certainly not on the internet. "Pot-Kettle Syndrome" states that a person is allowed to make topics and posts about subjects that they in actuality have no business discussing. This is why a Britney Spears stan can make a topic about Beyonce's live singing. This is why a Ciara stan can call "Ego" a flop (as if Ciara remembers what the top of the charts looks like). This is why women who can barely keep a fuck buddy feel that they are qualified to give Beyonce advice about her marriage. Hypocrisy runs thick online, especially when dealing with hot-button topics.

TYPE 5 - LURKERS AND POACHERS - Blogs, news outlets, and random people who lurk for information as well as members of Beyonce's camp who lurk for feedback/input. They contribute nothing and never credit BeyonceWorld for stories or photos that they steal.

TYPE 6 - SASHA FIERCE SUPPORT REPRESENTATIVES - These are people on BeyonceWorld who are big Beyonce fans even though most of them are afraid to post regularly. They don't actively participate in the day-to-day fuckery and foolishness although they are the ones who buy meet and greet passes, Diva Zone tickets, and stand outside 106 and Park waiting for Beyonce. These fans may log in occasionally for news, videos, and updates but they usually avoid the 60-page
arguments about the socioeconomic significance of the song "Diva". Or whether Beyonce's lipstick matches her bang.

Now that you know who's who you are now ready to register. But don't click the "New Topic" button just yet. It's best just to introduce yourself then sit on the sidelines and observe. Don't be overfamiliar. Don't interject yourself into topics. Start sucking up. Kiss some asses. LMAO at their jokes even when they are not funny. You will need allies and back-up in case somebody comes for your wig. As with any situation you must observe and figure out who the major players are before you make yourself known.

DISCLAIMER - I CAN NOT GUARANTEE THAT YOU WILL NOT BE BANNED! Just because you are a Beyonce fan does not mean that you are welcome at BeyonceWorld. Over the years I have spent almost $900 on Beyonce tickets over, I legally bought most of the albums, I run a blog which pretty much says that Beyonce is better than everybody else, and me and Celestine go wig shopping every Thursday and Sunday, yet I have been banned from the board twice. However there are people who have called Beyonce fat, stupid, and demon-possessed and they are free to run around the board like R. Kelly at a day care center.

2ND DISCLAIMER Please understand that your beef is with the stans not the artists.

Personally I have downloaded music from every artist mentioned on this blog. I have been a big Janet supporter for years. I even bought tickets to Janet's last tour (me and the 2 other people in the arena had the time of our lives). My problem is not with the artists themselves, but with the survived abortions that are their stans. I am tired of people trying to ruin my Sasha Fierce experience. The way that I see it Beyonce has about 5-8 years of relevance left. Then she's going to get arrested for setting Jay's clothes on fire with him still in them (don't act like you don't watched Snapped). She'll do community service, disappear for 6 years, then make her "comeback" at the Grammys.

But it won't be the same.

I don't want the comeback, nor that depressing time waiting for her to comeback. I would rather enjoy her in her prime and not have the experience ruined by people jealous because the artists they stan for have been blacklisted from the industry
and now work at Long John Silver's.

Is that too much to ask?

(sigh)

That's all for Lesson 1. For Lesson 2 I will tell you 5 topics guaranteed to get you stabbed by a Beyonce stan.

Here's a brief pop quiz:

QUESTION 1. PLEASE CORRECT THIS STATEMENT:

"Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Rihanna, and Mariah Carey are among the superstars that will perform at this year’s Fashion Rocks event."

A. "Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, Mariah Carey, and Rihanna are among the superstars that will perform at this year’s Fashion Rocks event."

B. Beyonce will perform at Fashion Rocks. Less relevant celebrities will kill time during Beyonce's lacefront change.

C. This statement is correct

D. B and C are correct.

QUESTION 2- PLEASE COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS WITH THE LESS THAN, MORE THAN, OR EQUAL TO SYMBOLS

A. The $3 bag of hair Tina used to install Beyonce's junior high-ass The Writing's On The Wall braids (<, >, =) Your entire 2009 styling budget.

B. Solange's razor bumps (<, >, =) The relevance of your career.

C. Your Twitter followers (<, >, =) the number of people who bought your last album.

QUESTION 3 - Beyonce and Jay-Z make a sex tape at 3PM. The tape leaks on BeyonceWorld at 3:02PM. How long will it take the tape to appear on MediaTakeOut?

A. 3:03PM

B. A Beyonce fan would delete the tape before anybody sees it.

C. Most of these so-called BeyonceWorld stans would personally walk the tape over to MediaTakeOut

D. None of the above.

CORRECT ANSWERS:

1. Beyonce's name should ALWAYS appear first.

2. A. Beyonce's $3 Moesha-ass braids cost more than your entire 2009 styling budget.

B. Solange's razor bumps are more relevant than your entire career

C. You have 4X as many people following you on Twitter than the number of people who bought your last albums

3. Most of these fake-ass stans would rent a helicopter to get the tape over to Mediatakeout and then act offended when it's posted.

Thank you...

2009-08-11T16:37:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the lack of updates...I've been busy trying to be a male version of a female version of a male version of a...you know what...nevermind.

I've been trying to do this "adult" thing. I'm 23 so this "adult" thing is still new to me. You know: waking up, making a living, contributing to society, paying rent, not slapping random people, not fathering random nigglets, not getting into knife fights in the Long John Silver parking lot. It's VERY stressful. It would be so much easier to not work, wake up at the crack of noon, eat Cheetos all day, stay in my great-grandma's guest room (on the futon my Uncle Ray died on) and vlog about the texture and curl pattern of Beyonce's lacefront. If I did would you subscribe?

I've been feeling blah lately...I'm in need of a vacation, and in SERIOUS need of a conjugal visit AND it's hot as a crotch in DC this week. But I'll be back soon. I know I make about 2 posts a year but I sincerely appreciate everybody who visit everyday for new posts.

As a thank you for ~~not having a life and lurking on my blog~~ your support I have a gift. It's an assortment of my favorite live recordings that I've grabbed and collected from all of my gallivanting on the internet. It features several of my favorite people with live bands and microphones that are actually turned on. It's for anybody who loves LIVE music as much as I do. Remember kids, microphones are NOT fashion accessories. I hope you enjoy it.

LINK 1(MEGAUPLOAD)

LINK 2 (ZSHARE)

Until next time please remember:

Stan for talent not personality.

Twitter followers ≠ relevance.

Taking a bath and putting on dirty clothes = Putting on clean clothes not taking a bath

When in doubt ask yourself "What would Solange Do?

And such...

Wig Crypt Challenge

2009-07-16T15:07:00.004-04:00

Brian = The Air That I Breathe

As usual he has a point.

I'm tired reading hating comments from people who look like this or this.

So my challenge to stans and Sasha Fierce Support Reps, find me an attractive Beyonce hater.

Just one.

The deadline is 12:00AM EST on July 20, 2009.

P.S. - Stop harassing celebrities on Twitter. It makes Sasha Fierce sad.

Beyonce is a Great Performer But...

2009-07-08T09:46:00.015-04:00

2 weeks ago today — a day before he died — Michael Jackson was on my mind.

I sat in an almost empty arena waiting for Beyonce. It was around 6:30PM. The show didn't start until 7:30PM which meant Negroes wouldn't be leaving their house until 9:45PM. That gave my mind a lot of time to wonder.

I thought about my first concept of what a concert was. It was being 6 years old and seeing Michael Jackson standing in front of a packed Romanian soccer stadium. 80,000 people screaming, hyperventilating, and fainting. I never had the occasion to see Michael Jackson live in the flesh, but I remember thinking I wanted to be there. I wanted to go to a show — any show — and see a performer so supremely mesmerizing that I would be moved to fall the fuck out.

2 hours later Beyonce stood less than 4 feet from me in all of her full-bodied Creole glory.

Feet — encased in sparkling stilettos — which never stopped moving, even during the ballads.

Thighs that could choke a grizzly bear.

Hips that will one day bear Jay-Z's demon spawn.

Titties pushed all the way up to her damn forehead.

10 pounds of somebody else's hair sewn lovingly into her scalp.

And a face which after 4 energetic shows in 4 days showed absolutely no sign of exhaustion.

She stood before me, and my legs started to shake.

"Oh damn..."

Then horns to "Crazy In Love" started.

"Oh shit..."

And the crowd went cuckoo banana crackers. The ladies were screaming. The gays were lisping, hissing, spraying, and snapping in all kinds of circles. The whole arena was on fire. My knees started to buckle. It was going to happen. "Oh my God, I'm about to faint at the Beyonce concert."

Then I thought about a piece of paper in my pocket with a number on it. It was my concert ticket. And on that ticket was a number: $200.75.

And then I thought. "Oh hell no."

See, when I pay 200 of my dollars, and 75 of my cents I'm not missing a damn second of a concert. If I pass out then Beyonce better get off stage do CPR and the Deja Vu rain dance on my chest to revive me. And if by chance the ambulance has to carry me away, she better pack all her shit up and set it up at Howard University Hospital.

Looking back on that moment is proof that there will never be another Michael Jackson, not now, not ever. Not many people can provoke the same type of hysteria he did. But I'd like to think that night was the closet I'll ever get to being at a Michael Jackson concert. Great performers transcend race, genre, and generation, but the ethic is the same. It's the thought that a performer could give so much of themselves to the point where they have no more to give.

I won't go into vivid detail about her concert because you don't care.

Beyonce sang and danced (at the same damn time) for 2 hours.

But you don't care.

She actually floated over the crowd.

But you don't care.

She laid hands on somebody in a wheelchair and he stood up, walked, then did the Ricky Bobby.

But you don't care.

You probably wouldn't even care if Marvin Gaye came back from the grave and sang "Halo" with her.

There's only one thing you want to know about the concert. Only one question you want me to answer. The only thing that truly matters.

Was the concert sold out?

It looked sold out. It appeared to me that every available seat had been sold. I asked Julius if I could stand on stage and do a head count but he said no. I also asked if I could take a shower with Beyonce's back-up dancers and he said no to that too (Juilus is damn hater!) But as I stood directly in front of Beyonce the only number I cared about was that $200.75.

I realized that we are so obsessed with numbers because there is such a talent deficiency, such a lack of that "Great Performer Ethic" that we need some way to prove greatness. Beyonce is the #1 diva in the game but so what? #2, #4 through #11 are all tone deaf with no rhythm, so there has to be some other way to measure greatness in 2009.

If I wanted to "shut somebody down" I would run to Wikipedia and throw some numbers at them.

She has 10 Grammys. That's more than most legends. 2 more than Miss Houston, Miss Turner, and Miss Streisand. 5 more than Miss Jackson. 10 more than Miss Ross.

She has a bunch of #1 singles.

She has sold millions of albums. The exact number I don't know, cause niggasbelyingonwikipedia.

And the tour is performing to packed houses around the world.

But the Grammys get it wrong sometimes. And record labels can grossly exaggerate record sales. And I could always give away tickets to make an arena appear sold out. So when sales figures lie, how exactly do you measure the greatness of a performer?

Simple. It's by the number of followers they have on Twitter.

I realized this back in April. When Beyonce was doing an interview promoting "Obsessed" and the there was a comment on YouTube. The comment basically said "I would like Beyonce more if she were on Twitter, she acts like she's not a real person." The comment was so simple yet so powerful and so representative of the times our future legends must thrive in. If I were signed to record deal today, the sad reality is that they would have me spend more time Twittering my fans to appear approachable than in a studio taking vocal and dance lessons so that I could give my fans a decent show.

But I don't blame them. A good personality gets you far in this industry. Almost as far as actually singing on key and dancing on beat. But when you are private, like Beyonce, and would rather sing than give an interview and authenticity is measured by the number of followers you have on Twitter, it can be a little rough.

1. Beyonce is a good performer...but she's so stuck up.

Here's a scenario for you.

The "Sweet Dreams" video is about to air. Matthew Knowles sends a letter to BET. In the letter it says, that if they want to air Beyonce's new video they must refer to Beyonce as the "Queen of Pop and R&B", and they must do it on air for at least two weeks, otherwise they will not get the video.

This has happened before. But of course no artist could get away with this kind of thing today, and certainly not Beyonce. She can barely crack a joke in concert without it turning into a Supreme Court case. I remember the video I posted when the dude said that there was something about Beyonce which rubbed him the wrong way. Something about her made her seem so full of herself.

She always wants attention.

Word?

She wants attention?

She's a celebrity and she wants attention? As opposed to wanting to fade into a life of obscurity and Dancing With the Stars, she wants to keep her name and her brand alive?

Shame on her!

 2. Beyonce is a good performer...but I wish she would sit down and give somebody else a chance.

 Another scenario for you.

It's 2004. Beyonce wins Best R&B Female Vocal Performance for Dangerously In Love 2" And she wins the same award again in 2005. And again in 2006. And 2007, and she wins the same award every year until 2011.

This has happened before, but it couldn't happen today. Not because there aren't talented female vocalists that could do this, (Alicia Keys has won twice in row) but because by 2006 somebody would have started a petition to NARAS asking them to give the award to somebody else to make it fair. That artist would be accused of "monopolizing" the industry. Such is the hypocrisy of the music industry in 2009. We want new legends but we don't live in a world supportive of the same things past legends have done.

We complain that artists aren't like they used to be "back in the day", nobody is raising the bar, but when an artist starts killing the game, and raising the bar we do everything we can to get them to go away so we can lower the bar again. When someone says "I wish Beyonce would sit down and give someone else a chance." I often wonder "Who sat down for Beyonce?" Really. Which artist said "Well Beyonce I'm tired now, you can have my career. Deuces!" The answer is no one. No one gave her anything so I don't understand why it's her responsibility to try to save other artists or sit down so that moderately relevant artists can flop.

When Aretha was in her prime the industry was a kingdom and she was the undisputed Queen. I'm sure not everybody liked it. I'm sure Gladys Knight wanted to take her out to the parking lot, and perhaps Patti Labelle wanted pull something out of her purse. But they didn't, they just came harder -- musically and vocally -- and became legends in their own right. Their stans never wrote a petition asking Aretha to sit down. That kind of bitchassedness didn't exist in that time. Legends were great, simply because they were allowed to be great. We allowed them to kill the game as hard as for as long as they wanted to.

2009 stans, particularly the pressed ones, treat the industry like the monkey bars at recess, they expect everybody to get a turn regardless of actual talent or competence.

Wouldn't you rather win knowing you beat "the best" as opposed to winning only because "the best" had to sit down?

3. Beyonce is a good performer...but she seems so fake.

Fake is defined as "something that is a counterfeit; not what it seems to be"

"A person who makes deceitful pretenses".

Hold on to that thought and turn with me to the book of Rihanna, Chapter 4 Verse 2. And ~~The Lord~~ The Dream said:

"I'm breaking dishes,
Up in here
All Night (uh-huh)
I ain't gon' stop until I see police and lights
Imma fight a man tonight
Imma fight a man tonight
Imma fight a man tonight"

The idea presented in this song-- and the whole damn album-- is that Rihanna is a bad girl. She takes no shit from any body. She's strong, free-thinking, fierce, and independent. She can handle herself in any situation.

Meanwhile, in real life, she fought a man and lost. But she's supposed to be a "bad girl" right? She declared herself a bad girl and created a whole damn album around the concept that if provoked she could easily whoop your ass. Shouldn't a bad girl know how to defend herself, or at least take a some kind of stand against abuse? She presented herself as a bad girl, but as it turns out she wasn't so tough. Does that make her a fake?

Was that an extreme way to make my point? Perhaps. But no more extreme than creating a 5 minute video calling Beyonce a devil-worshipping whore to prove YOUR point. I believe what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and if you're going to call one fake, call all of these chicks fake.

I don't mind moral indignation, but most people are only indignant when it supports their cause or the artist they love. Or the artists they hate.

I could boycott Chris Brown. I could crush his CDs, erase him from my life and my hard drive. Or I could give some of my time or at least some money to a battered women's shelter. Or I could, at the very least, spend time with my little sisters, nieces, or cousins to make sure they have the self-esteem and the common sense to leave a man who knocks them upside the head. Lots of us could do lots of things within our own lives and communities to combat the same "fake" images we condemn. But we won't. Most people's self-righteous sense of good and bad goes no further than message boards, blogs, and YouTube. People rarely feel strong enough about a cause to stop bitching about it online and actually do something about it in their real lives.

The day after I sat waiting for Beyonce, Michael Jackson died. I knew what was coming next.

"Michael Jakson was a great performer, but....his face..."

"Michael Jakson was a great performer, but....his skin..."

"Michael Jakson was a great performer, but....the drugs..."

"Michael Jakson was a great performer, but....he was... just strange."

And so on.

To let them tell the story Michael released "Thriller", bleached himself, went crazy, and died. The End.

Message boards and YouTube weren't much kinder.

Freak.

Pervert.

Molester.

And those were the nice words.

If I got caught up in name calling then technically my iPod is full of songs from freaks, perverts, molesters, and a wide assortment of crazy people. I have songs from more than a few former and current drug addicts, more than a few PROUD drug dealers, homewreckers, woman beaters, drunk drivers, accused child pornograpghers, and a bunch of convicted felons including a convicted rapist. But the music lover in me can't look at them in that way. It taints the feelings and the memories I have attached to the songs, regardless of the tortured souls behind them. And if I only listened to the music of people who always did and said the right things and followed every word of the Bible, then my iPod would empty.

Which brings me back to Washington, DC. June 24, 2009. Walking out of the concert I wondered how history will treat Beyonce. History has under-appreciated a lot of artists, and over-appreciated others. I'm not sure how "they" will tell her story. And you never really know what "they" actually think of us until one of us dies... or gets arrested.

Maybe in 20 or 30 years at some hall of fame induction ceremony Beyonce's kids will be sitting with Alicia Keys' kids, who will be sitting next to Justin Timberlake's kids, who will be sitting next to Usher's kids. And their parents will be sitting through a half-assed musical tribute done by whoever the hottest chick in the game is in 2039.

I'll be at home watching with my ~~kids~~, adopted Malawian daughters Vanity and Apollonia. And they will ask me about music from "back in my day". I could tell them about that gay rumors. The failed marriages. The rehab stints. Beyonce getting arrested for chasing Jay-Z down the street with a hot skillet, or what ever scandal or misfortune that may transpire in the coming years.

But I won't.

There's really only one thing I could say. The only thing that should matter. The only part of their lives that had any direct effect on my life. Regardless of anything else they were all great performers. Period.

Diva

2009-07-02T14:48:00.006-04:00

Once upon a time there was a beautiful young lady, we shall call her "Diva" Now if Diva really wanted to should could have been a world famous supermodel. She certainly had the looks and the attitude, but what she really wanted to do was sing. She had studied all of the greats and the legends before her and had incorporated it into her own style. So after years of showcases and meeting with record labels Diva got a record deal. Diva was heavily and methodically groomed and marketed for white and black audiences and she became an instant hit on both the R&B and Pop charts. Year after year Diva had hit after hit and sold millions of albums around the world.

Diva starred in a movies, endorsed products, and performed on stages around the world, sweeping award shows, making other female artists look downright lazy. In just a short amount of time Diva totally dominated the industry, achieving a lifetime's worth of accomplishments, and surpassing legends before her. Diva performed for presidents. Diva performed for world leaders. Diva sang at Super Bowl as our troops fought overseas. Diva became one of the biggest stars in the world. Yet family remained important to her. Diva took her parents to all of the award shows and she gave other family members jobs working for her traveling with her everywhere she went. They were there to keep her grounded because she was achieving a level of worldwide success that was uncommon, especially for black female artists.

But things weren't perfect for Diva. People thought the man that helped her get into the industry was pulling all of her strings. They thought he controlled her every move because a woman, particularly a black woman, can't think for herself.

Right?

And we weren't all that nice to Diva. We called her fake. A sellout. An oreo. Yeah she could sing, but we said she was watered down and had no soul. We even booed her a couple of times. Yet Diva only got bigger. She continued to slaughter her competition on stage, on record at award shows.

Then one day Diva married a "bad boy". We didn't quite understand the attraction between a middle-class princess and a dude from the projects. So we said it wasn't a real marriage, but a busiess arrangement. He was supposed to give her street cred. She was supposed to give him "pop cred". Yet, despite the criticism Diva just got bigger.

After awhile Diva became a larger-than-life figure, almost mythical. Everything she did and everything she said was dissected. Sliced. Diced. Chopped And screwed. So much so that we forgot that in the center of all the rumors and hype was a massively talented woman. And we didn't start fully appreciating the talent until we almost lost it. And after the booing, the ridicule, the rumors, and doing everything we could to degrade her, as she stood before us, a broken shell of her former self, we had the audacity to look at her and ask "What happened?"

This year she has a new album coming out and she's eligible for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. She's alive and well (and looking good), so let's give her props while see's still around to see it.

http://www.classicwhitney.com/interview/rollingstone_1993.htm

Legends Never Die

2009-06-25T20:05:00.001-04:00

Beyonce Bound...

2009-06-24T17:20:00.002-04:00

Going downtown to behold the precious Lamb of Matthew. Follow me on Twitter if you want to:

http://twitter.com/wigcryptkeeper8

I'll be twittering (or whatever you call it) up until the show starts. I refuse to tweeterize (or whatever you call it) during Sasha Fierce's performance. That is disrespectful to her art. And I will probably be deleting the twitter profile since Twitter is a tool of the devil.

TTYL

Let's Boycott Beyonce!

2009-06-15T11:18:00.008-04:00

Dear BET,

I was under the impression that you picked your award show performances based on sales and popularity, but now that I know all I have to do is create a Twitter petition there's some things I want you to know. First of all we (stans of mildly relevant artists) are tired of seeing Beyonce at any and every award show. The Grammy Awards, the MTV Awards, the BET Awards, VH1 Awards, the gatdamn Animal Planet Awards, we're tired of it. She is NOT God and I am tired of her monopolizing the industry. I am sick of her and her singing on-key, and dancing on beat and getting standing ovations and stupid shit like that.. It's about time you gave other artists a shot, like artists who don't have an ounce of rhythm, or artists who couldn't carry a tune in a Gucci bag. Or just random-ass artists. Why can't you just have random ass regular people on the show? Why do you always have to support the most popular and the most talented? The BET Awards should be a showcase for ALL people.

If you do not put the following artists on the 2009 BET Awards we will not be watching:

- Letoya Luckett
- LaTavia Roberson
- Ciara
- Keri Hilson
- Farrah Franklin
- Adina Howard
- Monifah
- An Xscape Reunion
- A 227 Reunion (minus Jackeé, she was always trying to upstage Marla Gibbs, and she has the weird "e" on her name like Beyoncé)
- Coolio
- Skee-Lo
- Domino
- KP and Envy
- DJ Jazzy Jeff (but not Will Smith's overexposed ass, we pressed stans only support the underdog)
- A Vanity 6 Reunion
- A Klymaxx Reunion
- An Another Bad Creation Reunion
- A Color Me Badd Reunion
- Oran "Juice" Jones
- Cameo
- Terrence Trent Darby

- Maze (but not Frankie Beverly. I'm tired of him hogging the spotlight, just like Beyonce)

- Parliament (but not Funkadelic)

- Kool and the Gang (minus Kool, he's overexposed)

- The Cult Jam (fuck Lisa Lisa!)

- Fire (we're tired of Earth and Wind monopolizing the industry)

- A "The Boys" Reunion

- A "House Party" Reunion with all original cast members EXCEPT Kid and Tisha Campbell (Tisha looks too much like Beyonce, and the only reason Kid's name is first is because he's light-skinned and Matthew Knowles paid for it)

- My 8 year old cousin and her school's dance troupe doing a routine to "Halle Berry (She Fine)" by Hurricane Chris

- Hurricane Chris

- My grandma who just lost her foot can get on stage and do the "Stanky Leg" and raise awareness about diabetes.

- My great-aunt Cookie doing her version of Rebbie Jackson's "Centipede." (Beyonce better watch her back!)

- My Aunt James and Uncle Jermaine doing their version of Ashford Simpson's "Solid As a Rock"

And at 10:00PM you should just put a microphone on the stage, and just have an open mic at the BET Awards and let everybody jump on stage like it's the '96 Source Awards. It's time to make this year a big ole country-ass tacky-ass unorganized talent show where any and everybody can jump on the stage, not just Beyonce.

If you don't meet our demands we will NOT be watching the BET Awards this year. Well, we're going to watch so we can hate on Beyonce the next day, but we're going to have an attitude about it.

If you are a stan tired of BET showcasing talent and if you are tired of Beyonce setting the bar too high for other artists please sign this petition and feel free to add on to it.

Signed,

Pressed Ass Stans
wigcrypt.blogspot.com

SIGN MY PETITION!!!
http://twitition.com/pnxwr

RE: 2009 BET Awards Seating Chart

2009-06-11T21:35:00.012-04:00

Hello children. This is Foxxy Lady Tina coming to you today. That Beyonceitis boy needed a break. He's still dealing with his broken heart. I have a little sympathy for him but not much. Miss Tina has never been the type of gal to cry over lost penis. He shoulda called me because I have a spell that will have a man on you like cheese on grits.

Here's what you do:

1. You get some of the man's hair.
2. Put it in a Dereon Prayer Cloth (available at Wal-Mart).
3. Put 3 drops of Armani Diamonds on it.
4. Hold it in your left hand.
5. Say "Love, sex, magic, act bad, talk dirty, look sexy, don't hurt me".
6. Say the man's name 3 times.
7. And then say "Get Me Bodied".

I guaran-fuckin-tee you that if you do that then you can pull any man you want.

Today I have come to you to talk about the BET Awards. First of all the rumors about Beyonce, LeToya, and the BET Awards are NOT true. Beyonce ain't gotta keep nobody off no damn award show. On stage she'll eat all of you bitches up, spit you out, and then have Ne-Yo write a song about it. Secondly, BET doesn't even have the number to the Checker's where LeToya works to get in touch with her to ask her to perform. Lastly, random ass broads just can't jump on award shows because they have an album coming out. These award show producers have a list of hot artists they would want to perform on their show based on who would give them the highest ratings. The list is in order of relevance.

Here's that list:

1. Beyonce
2. Beyonce
3. Beyonce
4. Beyonce
5. Beyonce

If Beyonce is sick you call Alicia Keys. If she's sick I guess you would have to call that Caribbean She-Beast. If she's sick or swollen then you would call Keri Hilson. If she's on vocal rest or something then you would call Ciara. If she pulled a groin muscle and can't make it then you call Ashanti. And so forth and so on. BET would have to scroll all the way down that list to get to LeToya Luckett's name and that's ONLY if Vesta, CeCe Peniston, and Cheryl "Pepsii" Reily are all sick or unable to catch a Greyhound to get to the BET Awards.

I'm tried of you delusional pressed ass stans of these minor-ass artists. If you had any appreciation of what real diva is we wouldn't have to go through this foolishness every year.

But I digress...

Today I'm I come with you with low spirits and high blood pressure. The producers over at BET just faxed me over the seating chart for the BET Awards, and I am pissed.

Take a look for yourself:

First of all as you notice the Knowles will not be seated in the crowd with the common folk. We will be seated on stage in the area of the stage generally used to present awards. The only awards that will be presented on camera will be the ones that Beyonce is nominated for, the other awards will be given away in the parking lot before the show.

Also when Beyonce's name is announced she will not get up to accept the award. Keri Hilson is going to bring her trophy over to her and kiss her feet, and I dare her to say something about it. I'll bust her in the head. After this year, BET is also renaming the Best R&B Female Artist award the "Beyonce Giselle Knowles-Carter Award for Best R&B Female Artist" and the winner will get a statue of Beyonce bent over with her cheeks spread apart so that every time somebody wina they will have to kiss her ass.

My homegirls ~~Diane and Anna Mae~~ Diana and Tina will be in the house to give honor and glory to the name of Sasha Fierce. I'm trying to re-introduce Diana and Tina to black men. Ike sent Tina over to the other side and Diana ain't seen no parts of a black penis since the March on Washington, so I hooked them up with two of my ex's. (It's a recession so we have to recycle dick.)

Solange will be seated on the 2nd row with her son. I will be seated with my new fiancé and Beyonce's future stepdaddy Trey Songz. We've been dating off and on for about 6 months, and he is sweet, kind, and has a very strong back for such a narrow-assed boy.

Beyonce will be performing 4 times at the BET Awards. She's opening the show at 8:00, again at 9:00PM, 10:00PM and closing the show at 11:00PM. Matthew has negotiated one of his famous 2-for-1 deals to save Solange from having to park cars and escort people to their seats. He said he will convince Beyonce to perform if they let Solange perform. Beyonce and Solange will duet during the gospel segment of the show. The will sing a medley of gospel classics which will also serve as the perfect promotion for the new Dereon Choir Robes coming this Fall. I asked the people at BET to build a runway so that Beyonce and Solange can anoint people in the audience while doing the Naomi Campbell walk.

But while their eyes are on the sparrow, my hand will be on my pistol waiting for some shit to jump off. As you can see for reasons that I don't understand Jay will be sitting beside Rihanna. Beyonce told me not to worry since Rihanna is "family" but that broad ain't never brought a lick of potato salad to any of my family reunions. I really wish Jay would stay out of other people's domestic problems. I understand the need to play Captain Save-A-Hoe, but flying off to Hawaii and going to dinner with broads while your wife is out of the country just ain't right to me.

I need somebody to keep an eye on Jay while I'm backstage helping with the wardrobe. Alicia Keys volunteered to keep an eye on Jay and Rihanna but trusting Alicia Keys to keep an eye on your husband is like trusting a crackhead not to steal your purse and your DVD player.

I asked Chris Brown to reconcile with Rihanna so that she won't be on stage with us. Me and Chris Brown used to engage in sexual eruption a while ago. And if you think I won't get down with a 17/18 year old then somebody done told you wrong. I'll will go down to first lunch at Booker T. High School, George Washington High School, Chaka Khan High School, or whoever's high school and round up about 6 or 7 of them mofos. Ain't no shame 'cause I gotta get mine. I swing my hair and kick off my shoes. Come here boy let me work on you!

But, again, I digress.

Me and Chris have remained friends even though ~~I snatched the cat back~~ I took away the benefits. So I called him up and I said:

Me: Look Chris, you need to make up with Rihanna I don't like her hanging around Jay like this. Now I hate to sound like a paranoid Beyonce stan but this just don't look right. That's how chicks get pistol-whipped, running around with married menfolk.

Chris: But Tina, she broke my heart!

Me: NIGGA YOU BROKE HER NOSE!

Chris: But Tina!

Me: Stop all that whining and call her and make up. Y'all can sing "Fire and Desire" and everything will be fine.

We went back and forth for about an hour and still reached no resolution. I started to call Jay and talk to him about it but me and him are not on the best terms. Jay has been doing things over the last few ~~months~~ years that I don't agree with.

EXAMPLES:

1. Mentoring and marketing a girl to be in direct competition with your wife.

2. Granting an interview with a blog that regularly posts unconfirmed stories and outright lies about your wife.

3. Going on tour with a female who has been slinging shade at your wife.

He says this is "just business". But he is really starting to overcook my ham hocks. This year at the BET Awards Jay should just perform with an all-female band of Beyonce-hating btiches. KeKe Wyatt can sing lead since she sings better than every damn body. Miss Jones can sing back-up. Sandra Rose's monkey ass can be on drums, and when Natasha asks him why he associates with people who are disrespectful to his wife, he can say "It's just business".

Let's look at it another way. What if Beyonce toured with Jim Jones as her opening act? They are on the same record label. It would be "just business".

Right?

This isn't some junior high school bullshit where you have to hate somebody just because I hate them, but I was raised to believe to be good to those who are good to you. So therefore I don't understand why you would help promote people who try to degrade your wife and her business.

But that's just my opinion.

What do you think?

Moving to WordPress

2009-06-05T00:08:00.001-04:00

Excuse the testicle difficulties...

stepping on over to wordpress...

the comments and posts will be back soon...

Same Shit, Different Toilet

2009-05-27T02:07:00.037-04:00

This week I'm "celebrating" the 2 year anniversary of Beyonceitis. A lot has happened since then, but a lot has remained the same. I wish I could say that it is easier being a female artist in 2009 than it was in 2007. I wish I could tell you that Beyonceitis victims fought the good fight, and Beyonce let them be. I wish I could tell you that - but the music industry is no fairy-tale world.

I look at stanning for celebrities a lot like betting on horses at the racetrack, you pick a horse, you bet money on them, and if you win there's a pay off.

Our "pay-off" is the satisfaction of being proven right. Being able to be annoyingly obnoxious and throw it in your face that our horse is the #1 diva in the game while your horse is about to get dropped from her label. Our horse has 10 Grammys and a career that seems to get bigger everyday. Your horse is flopping and is about to be taken out back and shot between the eyes. Stanning for celebrities is just like betting on racehorses and I'll be damned if we didn't pick a winner.

I guess I should tell you how Beyonceitis came about. It was during the Dreamgirls/B-Day and there was strong effort on Beyonce's part to become a worldwide entertainment icon. There was even a stronger effort on the part of haters to make her go away. I noticed that Beyonce had put a lot of pop and R&B chicks out of work, she had slaughtered the game in a way that I never seen before. Just the mention of her name would spark 40 page arguments. I felt that this had to be documented. So I wrote and wrote until it started making sense.

So I put a link here.

And somebody took it here.

And of course since everybody and their gay uncle is on BeyonceWorld, things just went crazy from there.

After it was posted on BeyonceWorld it somehow appeared on this sea donkey's blog, and then she realized that it WASN'T a hater site and took it down, because Lord knows we can't say anything nice about Black people.

From there it ended up here, and here, and a bunch of other places. And the rest as they say, is history.

Today we're going to revisit Beyonceitis victims from 2007 and see if they were able to improve any over the last 2 years.

Brandy

Brandy was finally able to put her legal troubles behind her, and get back into the studio to work on new music. I recall her stans storming BeyonceWorld saying that she was about to come back and reclaim her crown and put Beyonce in her place.

However, when the first week numbers were in Human debuted on the charts somewhere between Kevin Federline's album and the Best of Mokenstef. And the Brandy stans went away.

How She Can Beat the Sasha Flu: She signed to Jay-Z's Roc Nation (Bitch better have Sasha Fierce's money), whether or not that's a good or bad thing remains to be seen. The game has changed significantly since she was up on UPN every week doing her thing. I'm not exactly how, or if she can fit in. And although her recent albums may not have been commericially succesful, her time away from the spotlight has allowed people to revisit some of her previous work and gain a new appreciation for her talent, and it's nice to go to YouTube and Myspace to see so many new and up-and-coming artists cite Brandy as a musical and vocal influence.

Ashanti

You hoes are just jealous because Ashanti writes her own music, and is a classically dancer,and her 1st album had the highest first week sales of any debut female artist in history and she was the first artist since the Beatles to occupy the top 2 spots on the Hot 100. Blah, blah, blah bark, bark, bark. Although "The Way That I Love You" peaked at #2 on the R&B charts, and Ashanti promoted the album with the obligatory TV appearances "The Declaration" debuted at #878. "Good, Good" was supposed to boost the album but it stalled at radio because for some reason people will support a song about licking Lil' Wayne's penis, yet nobody wanted to hear a song about the goodness of Ashanti's snatch. Putting the shitty icing on yet another shitty cake, Ashanti was dropped from Murder Inc., which would be a bad thing if it wasn't Murder Inc.

How She Can Beat the Sasha Flu: Although "The Declaration" went triple "Miss Kelly", Ashanti continued to keep herself busy touring, promoting, and performing at Six Flags, bingo casinos, and White Castle parking lots across the country. Plus, she has been preparing for a run as Dorothy in a production of "The Wiz" in New York City.

Janet Jackson

After 4 years of blacklisting, her album "Discipline" did get her back on the radio and on MTV. MTV even had an elaborate promotional campaign behind her album. The album did debut at #1 (the 6th #1 of her career), but about 3 weeks, the album dropped down low and swept the bottom of the charts. Def Jam was unhappy with the musical direction Janet was going in. They wanted her to take a more Anita Baker/Sade route with her sound, and when she told them to kiss her ass they stopped all singles, promotions, and future video releases. In September she finally launched a tour to good reviews in Vancouver, and she planned to take it all over the world, but got no further than New York City. The tour was cancelled due to "scheduling conflicts". 2 weeks later her and her pet chimp were spotted riding camels in Dubai.

How She Can Beat the Sasha Flu: Janet is a legend, no doubt, so I can't blame the lack of interest in her tour on ageism or even the shitty ass economy, because Madonna is in her 50's and Tina Turner was entertaining passengers on the Underground Railroad and they both had successful tours in 2008. The gatdamn New Kids on the Block had a more successful tour and they haven't had a hit since "227" was on the air. Regardless of the reason it was yet another sad year to be a Damita Jo stan, but I'd still like to think she's just one dance hit away from a respectable comeback.

Kelly Rowland

Oh Kelly...(sigh). I really thought she was going to make it. She had a new confidence and new sound with "Miss Kelly", and what seemed like a certified club banger, but as it turned out not a lot of people wanted to bump like this. The same people complaining about Matthew sabotaging Kelly's career clearly were not outraged enough to actually support Kelly and buy the album. Despite the fact that Beyonce was nice enough to share her BET Awards performance slot with Kelly, "Miss Kelly" debuted at #6 on the charts, and disappeared quickly.

How She Can Beat the Sasha Flu: She is no longer managed by Matthew, and we shall see whether or not that helps. She hosts a reality show on Bravo. I don't have the strength to go on...

Keri Hilson

You wack-ass Beyonce stans are just mad because Keri Hilson has REAL talent and can write a song unlike that stealing-ass, fake-ass Beyonce.

Oh word?

I wouldn't brag about being able to write a song if I couldn't write myself a hit big enough to compete with even the flopping chicks in the game. Despite the fact that Keri was presented as a self-contained songwriter and producer on her debut album she got lost in the mix among a bunch of producers and guest stars who are frankly more talented than she is. Polow da Don made her write a A-list check that her D-list ass couldn't cash when he encouraged her to take subliminal shots at unnamed female artists who were more successful than she was. Of course people assumed she was talking about Beyonce because Beyonce is always on somebody's brain. Suffice to say Beyonce stans didn't like this at all. They formed a circle around the Best Buy where Keri works and put a Louisiana Creole voodoo hex on her album sales.

How She Can Beat the Sasha Flu: Well, she does have a unique style, I call it "discount urban lesbian chic". Like so many Beyonceitis victims before her, her album was well-produced and had big names attached to it, but she has contributed nothing vocally or performance-wise that Rihanna or even Ashanti couldn't do. Her album may not be a blockbuster, but I expect it to be a steady seller and stay on the charts for a while. It will probably go platinum around the time Baby Daniel graduates high school.

Ciara

2007 Status: Beyonceitis Survivor
2009: Beyonceitis Victim (Critical)

It's hard to know where to begin with Miss Harris, so I'll start with three words: "Dollar General Desperation". "Dollar General Desperation" is when you are desperate to become bigger than what you are yet you lack the budget, talent, and/or looks to convincingly pull it off. In 2007 Cecil might not have been Sasha Fierce famous, but she had a respectable career. She sold a decent amount of records, radio and MTV liked her, and although she was a mediocre vocalist at best, she had the energy and enthusiasm to become a great live performer. Then one day BET had a list of their Top 25 dancers of all time. Ciara came in at #25. Instead of being grateful for being in the company of dance icons like Alvin Ailey, Janet Jackson, and Michael Jackson, Ciara felt that she should have been higher up on that list despite the fact that she had been in the industry for all of about 2 years. Then she started thinking "Well, if Beyonce is a big star I can be a big star too!" So like the little sister playing in her big sister's clothes and make-up Ciara started playing dress up. The goal was to recreate Ciara as an iconic diva sex symbol. She showed her rectum on the cover of VIBE, MTV did a series of semi-funny video shorts to promote her album, she became BFFs with Kim Kardashian, she signed with Justin Timberlake's management who tried their hardest to create the illusion that she was a worldwide superstar (I still giggle when somebody says "Grammy Award winner Ciara). After heavy promotion including a performance on Saturday Night Live, when the 1st week numbers came in Ciara was #3 behind Chrisette Michelle, and to be honest, I didn't even know Chrisette's album was coming out. I'm all for artistic growth and trying new things, but not everybody was designed to be a "diva". It doesn't make you less than or better than it's just not everybody has the attitude or body frame to pull off certain looks.

How She Can Beat The Sasha Flu: Don't count Ciara out yet. Chris Brown's last album debuted at #4, but he was still able to have a successful headlining tour, a re-release, 3 million copies sold, and a whole bunch of...um...hits. Ok, that might not be the best example, but now that a couple thousand people finally have her album, Ciara can make more informed decisions about which singles to release, and what fashion choices to make... and for the love of Agnes please get rid of those tobacco field-ass braids.

Christina Aguilera

2007 Status: Beyonceitis Victim
2009: Beyonceitis Victim (Serious, but stable)

Christina Aguilera is the voice of YOUR generation. Not mine though. This is the voice of my generation. Christina has the talent and she's never been afraid to try new things, but the mainstream attention has been fading. For some reason she has a hard time getting people to give a damn. Britney's vagina got more coverage than her last album.

How She Can Beat The Sasha Flu: If she can get pass Lady Gaga to even get to Beyonce then I'll post a YouTube video of myself dressed as Diana Ross singing "Touch Me In The morning and then just walk the fuck away"

Rihanna

2007 Status: Beyonceitis Survivor
2009 Status:Domestic Violence Survivor

Here's a list of things I would rather do than watch Rihanna perform live:

I would rather watch water boil.

I would rather watch a dog eat its own feces.

I would rather read Ashanti's book Foolish/Unfoolish: Reflections on Love, then write a 15 page book report

I would rather drink after Superhead

I would rather count the wrinkles on Ciara's balls.

Please come back tomorrow and I'll give an extended list of things I would rather do than watch Rihanna perform live.

Having said that, "Good Girl Gone Bad" took it back to the days back when there were more than 3 good songs on an album and artists could milk an album for 2 years. 7 singles went to the top 20, 3 went #1. She cranked out hit after hit, and looked damn good while doing it. VIBE voted her the most stylish star of the year. So what if she sounds like a goat being sexually violated by a dying cat. You kids don't really care about things like "vocal ability" and "stage presence" just as long you have some numbers to brag about. We shall not discuss her "car accident", or the other unpleasantries of that evening. Nor the (alleged) leaked pictures of her booty butt cheeks (we'll talk about that later this week). They will have no effect on her career.

Alicia Keys

2007 Status: Beyonceitis Survivor
2009 Status: Beyonceitis Survivor

"As I Am" sold a gazillion copies. She did a good job in "Secret Life of Bees" (the one movie where Beyonce's country-ass accent would come in handy). In 2008, she embarked on her first arena tour. I won't discuss the actual tour ticket sales because you'll call me a hater, ~~but you bitches wanna be on Ticketmaster everyday seeing how many seats Beyonce sold.~~ I'll just say she cancelled a couple of shows due to "illness". On the flipside, "As I Am" was shut out of all album categories at the Grammys, and that mess that y'all are trying to start about that other woman's husband, y'all need to cut that out. You have no proof that she did anything wrong. Alicia plays the piano! She's real...she writes songs...and stuff... but we'll talk about that later this week too.

Mariah Carey

2007 Status: Beyonceitis Survivor
2009 Status: Beyonceitis Survivor

E=MC² was another high mark in a legendary career, she has received critical acclaim (and even a little Oscar buzz) for 2 independent films "Tennessee" and "Precious" which I can't wait to see. To top it off next year will mark 20 years since the
release of her first album. On the flipside, after "Touch My Body" E=MC kinda lost steam, and I shall not discuss her recent live vocal performances, as I would hate to have skin a few Lambs today.

Britney Spears (Honorable Mention)

2007 Status: Comatose
2009 Status: Still comatose, but on tour

Forget Sasha Fierce, Britney is the female version of hustla. While Beyonce kills herself every night doing pointless things like singing live, dancing, interacting with the crowd, and knowing what month it is, Britney makes about 2 milli a night and all she has to do is walk in a circle, lip synch, and dry hump gay dancers for an hour. I lip synch Britney Spears songs and dry hump gay dancers in my apartment every Friday night and I don't make a damn nickel. Ladies and gentleman that's a diva.

As for actual album and single sales, I'm not sure what you're supposed to say about a person who sells more perfume than albums. I don't want to use the "F" word, but if Beyonce's album performed like "Circus" is doing, people wouldn't hesitate to call it a F_____ (rhymes with "mop"). Britney was never really a Beyonceitis victim because Beyonce was the LEAST of her worries, but watching videos of performing 10 years ago then watching current videos of her basically dragging herself across the stage everynight makes me sad.

Keyshia Cole

2009 Status: Beyonceitis Survior

Like Beyonce, Keyshia Cole owns more wigs than clean panties, and has a mother with a colorful personality (I wonder who would win in a slap boxing match, Frankie or Celestine?) But fortunately for Keyshia that's where the similiarties end. You can never accuse Keyshia of being a Sasha Fierce clone (although this pic gives me the Beyonce Experience). She continues to make great music and she has proved that you can switch up your style without losing your idenity. The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel said that Keyshia Cole is the most important female urban artist to arrive on scene since Beyonce. I think I would have to agree.

I Think This Is What That Girl Was Trying to Do Last Weekend...

2009-05-16T12:43:00.004-04:00

Happy B-Day!

So you tried to be a little different...

2009-05-13T03:39:00.017-04:00

So you tried to be a little different.

You tried to do what the fast girls do.

And look where it got you.

I'm not surprised.

It's not even about staying in your lane, for most of you chicks it's about finding a damn lane.

Every other month for the past 6 years I've watched one irrelevant R&B chick after another release an album.

And their stans say "Oh, (Irrelevant R&B chick) is about to change the game."

"(Irrelevant R&B chick) is about to put Beyonce in her place."

"(Irrelevant R&B chick) is the new hottest chick in the game."

And every single time those albums debut UNDER the charts.

Bubbling under the bubbling under.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am tired.

Everytime an R&B chick flops, a puppy dies.

It hurts my feelings, and it's quite tragic.

See if I were a typical evil Beyonce stan then I would take pleasure in watching you flop.

Beyonce stans are some evil bitches, and they've been showing out extra hard this week.

Doing ignorant shit like this, and this, and this.

But I haven't. I've just sat and watched all of this foolishness with a quiet sadness.

My heart can't take anymore flop singles, flop albums, postponed albums, and albums with songs that were leaked back in 1993.

But you kids never learn.

Each time you get your hopes up.

And each time the Beyonceitis bug bites you right in the ass.

Maybe we should petition the RIAA to change the rules. Maybe it is time to lower the certifications. Maybe 50,000 will be gold, and 100,000 will be platinum. That way it won't hurt as bad next time.

It seems that brighter days are coming for stans of Beyonceitis victims. Beyonce told Marie Claire magazine she is planning to take a 2-year break. Yep, 2 whole years. I'm not sure what she will do to occupy her time.

I guess she can spend more time with Jay.

I can see it now:

Jay-Z: Can you cook me a steak?

Beyonce: No.

Jay-Z: Can you cook me some chicken?

Beyonce: No.

Jay-Z: Can you go stick a Pop Tart in the toaster?

Beyonce: I could...but no.

Jay-Z: If you don't learn how to cook a simple meal I'm going to go out and get me a fat bitch.

Beyonce: Well when she gets here, tell her to come help me wash your shitty-ass, skidmarked boxers. Now shut the hell up, I'm trying to watch Judge Mathis.

With Beyonce out of the picture I guess you think there will be a new hottest chick in the game. I bet you think your artist can just slide in and take Beyonce's spot.

If only it were that simple.

In my effort to create an understanding between fans I want to explain something to you ~~late, out-of-touch queens~~ misguided youth. And I want you to put your hands up and receive this message. I'm going to tell you something that perhaps you haven't heard before. It may be a radical concept, but I want you to receive it with an open heart and an open mind. I'm going to send this out 3 times. One for the father. One for the son. And one for the Holy Spirit. Put your hands up and receive this message.

You ready?

Here it is:

YOUR FAVORITE ARTIST IS WACK AND WILL NEVER BEAT BEYONCE.

YOUR FAVORITE ARTIST IS WACK AND WILL NEVER BEAT BEYONCE.

YOUR FAVORITE ARTIST IS WACK AND WILL NEVER BEAT BEYONCE.

And let me say it one more time for the kids in the recession seats.

YOUR FAVORITE ARTIST IS WACK AND WILL NEVER BEAT BEYONCE.

See Beyonce may have been the hottest chick in the game in 2004, but somewhere in between the multiplatinum albums, and the tours, and the movies, and the endorsements, and the praise from legends, and performing at the Oscars 5 times in 4 years, and the Super Bowl, and the Inauguration, and the Barbra Streisand, and the Tina Turner, and the "we fall down but we get up", and the Grammys, and all the other awards, she stopped being the hottest chick in the game, and started destroying the game. She has destroyed "the game". and destroyed our concept of what "the game" is supposed to be. And there is nothing I have seen in one of you chicks that comes close to beating Beyonce.

Individually most of you chicks aren't worth two dead flies smashed[© Bernie Mac]. perhaps you should all start a singing group. And you won't have to argue about who will be the lead singer because most of you can't sing worth a damn anyway. You can take all these pressed small fanbases and create one pressed medium-sized fanbase.

And you'd still get your ass whooped by Beyonce.

I guess this is the part of the show where you say "Well, I still don't like Beyonce."

Well, let me tell you something about your "like".

Your "like" of Beyonce is of minimal relevance to anything right now. If your "like" had any kind of influence on the music world then your favorite artist wouldn't be flopping, or pushed back, or opening for Britney Spears, or broken up by Diddy, or sucking Diddy, or grilling Whoppers at Burger King with Keri Hilson and Teairra Mari.

And we wouldn't even be having this conversation.

And if you would spend less time trolling Beyonce YouTube videos, or posted up at BeyonceWorld worrying about what Sasha Fierce is doing and spending more time trying to recruit people to help support these failing artists then we wouldn't have to go through this.

But in case you don't understand what I'm trying to say let me try it again.

Beyonce is no longer the hottest chick in the game.

She owns the game.

Beyonce makes money off half of you R&B chicken nuggets.

Beyonce owns all of you.

You are just here for her general amusement.

She can buy and sell ALL of your careers for a pack of Malaysian hair and a bag of Cheetos.

Your album wasn't released because your record company said it was OK. Your album was released because Beyonce let it come out. If she were truly the evil bitch you think she is (and the evil bitch I hope she becomes) she would have released the "Ego" video on the same day your album came out, and it would've been a wrap.

Then she would come to 106 and Park on the same day you were there and just sit beside you on the couch staring at you. And as soon as you would fix your mouth to lie about your "creative inspiration" she would punch you in the back of the head.

Beyonce has about 42 thrown away songs that are better then any of the 17 1st singles you chicks release.

It doesn't matter if Beyonce takes 2 years, 3 years, 8 years off. Even if she retires and spends the remainder of her days growing tomatoes and popping out 9 of Jay's water-headed, smart-mouthed babies, you will NEVER EVER beat her. She has destroyed the game. Smashed it. So let's take Beyonce out of the conversation, That thought that you have that you can beat her, just erase it from your memory, cause it's not going to happen. She's not your competition, and damn sure ain't your equal, so find a new chick to compare yourselves to, somebody more realistic, someone who doesn't expose how truly wack you really are.

Maybe it's time that record labels started developing talent instead of packaging personalities. How about we find a chick that can carry a tune for more than 15 seconds? Maybe it's time to spend less money on stylists and more money on vocal coaches. For some of you chicks I don't know if you want to release an album or rip the damn runway.

You can call Lil' Wayne, you can call Justin Timberlake, you can call Tyrone, but the fact is if you want to knock Sasha Fierce down it's going to take way more then any of the low-budget, half-assed, pushed-back bullshit that I have seen over the last 6 years.

I Am... Disgusted With All of You

2009-04-30T04:09:00.020-04:00

Last week was pretty much one of the best weeks in Beyonce's career. She kicked off her world tour, her movie debuted at #1, Halo moved up a little bit, and she got her real estate license. I didn't go see "Obsessed". I had...um..shit to do... And by shit I mean not sit beside your country ass while you yelled "Whoop her ass Beyonce!" at the screen for 2 hours. My nerves can't take it. People were yelling at the screen during ~~Toyota~~ Cadillac Records, so I can only imagine the kind of niggatry going on at the Magic Johnson Theater during the 7:40PM Saturday night showing of "Obsessed"

Thank you, but no thank you.

Sorry for my absence. Actually I'm not sorry. I hate all of you today. I am sincerely and completely disgusted with each and every one of you. I really was going to wait to write a new passage until my life settled down, but I know you got tired of coming to the blog and seeing Miss Man Thing.

But nonetheless, here's why I hate you all:

1. I Am...Disgusted With Ticketmaster.

First of all congratulations to Beyonchichi on the success of her tour. What the other niggra blogs will not tell you is that last weekend she sold more concert tickets than any other solo artist in the industry, the only acts that sold more tickets were U2 and Aerosmith, and U2 is playing 70,000-seat stadiums, so all stanning aside that's a good look for urban music tours in general which historically have not done as well as their white counterparts. And if you hypocritical blogging bitches would report the WHOLE truth, and not the lies or half truths that other record companies pay you to write, then you would know that.

But I digress...

So anyway, I log on Saturday morning to get my tickets to see Beyonce in DC. Then Ticketmaster gives me this message:

You tangy bastards took all the good seats within an hour. I had good seats at the Beyonce Experience, the Janet concert, and the Alicia Keys concert, and I REALLY wanted those on-stage seats where you're close enough to get Beyonce's lacefront sweat on you. I refuse to spend $95 to sit all the way out in the damn parking lot to where Beyonce and her dancers look like a bunch of bedazzled ants.

2. I Am...Disgusted With Beyonce's "Friendship" with Rihanna

So I'm watching Beyonce's interview on Larry King Live on YouTube (Jesus has not yet formed a fence around my Comcast Cable situation). As usual Larry King looked like death sucking on a lifesaver.

I can tell he was horny for Beyonce, well, as much as a 274-year-old man can get horny. Beyonce was her usual cheery self, answering all the questions, showing everything she learned in Celestine's Creole Charm School. Smile. Sit like a lady. Answer politely. Keep a switchblade in your purse.

The highlight of the interview is when Larry asked Beyonce about her feelings about "the incident", and Beyonce said "Rihanna is like family."

As you know I am not welcome at BeyonceWorld, but I can about imagine that there was a 20 page argument about what Beyonce meant by "family".

EXAMPLE:

Beyonce Stan #1 :I know she didn't just say that.

Beyonce Stan #2: Somebody must be messing with CNN's audio.

Beyocne Stan #3: She must mean they are like family like we are all God's children, cause I know good and hell well she ain't say she was family with that bitch.

Yes, after almost 3 years of hating Rihanna, rolling our eyes at Rihanna, making voodoo dolls that look Rihanna and sticking pins in the forehead, it's hard to imagine that Beyonce and Rihanna are homegirls.

You know how I feel about Robyn. I like her music, LOVE her style, but I'm annoyed when people compare the two. In my opinion if you compare Rihanna and Beyonce then you have totally missed the point of what Beyonce is trying to do, and in many ways what Rihanna is trying to do. They are two seperate artists and should be treated as such.

Yet despite the fact that Beyonce herself said that Rihanna is family I know some of you can't picture Beyonce and Rihanna holding hands and skipping down Fifth Avenue. Or Rihanna sitting next to Cousin Bootsie and Cousin Chevron at the Dereon Family Fish Fry. But I have photographic proof that Beyonce and Rihanna are BFFs!

EXHIBIT A

Here is Beyonce and Rihanna all up on each other at a basketball game. I thought they were going to start making out. Beyonce let Rihanna go through her wig warehouse and wear her Dreamgirls Lacefront #48. from the scene where Deena snitches on Curtis to the feds.

EXHIBIT B

Here is a picture of several of Rihanna's 343 tattoos. She has several tatoos dedicated to Beyonce, includng the House of Dereon logo.

EXHIBIT C

Here is a picture of Rihanna and Beyonce at Club Bucknasty in Augusta, Georgia during A Milli Mondays" The look they were going for was "low-budget" and "ass-backwards". So they hired Ciara's stylist.

I also have photos of Beyonce and Rihanna from Solange's "I Just Got My Living Room Furniture Off Layaway" Party presented by Patron Silver, and Rihanna's "The Swelling Has Gone Down" Party presented by Ciroc. But those are private.

3. I Am...Disgusted With People Spoiling the Tour.

When I spend $10 to see a movie at the picture show I DON'T want to know the ending so I will never understand why people would spend $100+ to go to concert and you know EVERY FUCKING THING that's going to happen before it happens. Half of the excitement in life is surprises. I just don't want you bitches to go to the concert and say "That show was kinda boring" Well, maybe if you hadn't spent the last four months watching it over and over on YouTube it wouldn't have been as boring, but your punk ass knew every thing that was going to happen. Some of us still like to be surprised. I have resisted the urge to watch YouTube videos of the I Am...Better Than All You Hoes World Tour (presented by Hamburger Helper) but for some reason I know quite a few details about the show, because even if you are trying NOT to be spoiled, inconsiderate ass niggas work tour details into everyday conversations:

EXAMPLE:

At the bank...

Me: I would like to make a deposit in my checking account.
Teller: Oh ok. Would you like your account balance?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Teller: Would like to see Beyonce's whole set list?
Me: NO!

4. I Am...Disgusted with Stans

One thing I have learned is that stans are never satisfied. It baffles me how Beyonce has become so famous and yet she does all the wrong things in the eyes of her stans. She picks the wrong singles, the wrong videos, the wrong outfits, her stage doesn't look like Britney's blah, blah,blah,blah, bark, bark.

Go stab yourselves. NOW!

I've been watching YouTube video's of Michael Jackson's stage shows and his sets have always been relatively simple. I guess he didn't need the clowns, monkeys, elephants, lions, tigers, and bears on stage because the thought was if your talent is big enough there isn't much room on stage for a lot other stuff. I guess it's not enough that Beyonce is #1 she has to do everything we want her to do, at the exact moment we want her to do it.

5. I Am...Disgusted with YouTube

Last week was the official death of legitimate journalism.

Really?

A hoax?

Did you really have to call America's Most Wanted, Unsolved Mysteries, Ghostbusters, and Matthew Knowles to realize that this wasn't real.

Also last week I watched Beyonce on David Letterman. Then I watched a video of someone summarizing Beyonce on David Letterman, then I watched a video of someone responding to that person summarizing Beyonce on David Letterman...It wasn't funny or witty, it was just someone describing what they saw on TV like they were 5 years old.

Like seriously?

Is all of that really necessary?

Aside from B. Scott, Alexyss Tylor, or whoever this dude is, if you are a vlogger I'm going to need you to go play in Brandy traffic.

Now.

And last, but certainly not least.

I Am... Disgusted With Beyonce!

Look at this trick:

It's getting to the point where I just don't want to be her friend anymore. The chick is just...disgusting. It should be illegal for a person to slaughter the game this bad and this hard. If you made a list of the hottest chicks in the game it would Beyonce and big ass space and then random ass chicks in no particular order because nobody cares about them. In the midst of the hit movie, the hit tour, the hit singles, and the hit album I realized that Beyonce's competition is not to be found in the current crop of pop/R&B chickens. We're going to have to go to a laboratory and create a group of bionic, killer robot R&B, singing, dancing, acting, Nintendo-selling bitches. That's the only way to beat Beyonce. Either that or Beyonce's competition hasn't been born yet.

STOP THE TRACK! Beyonce is Not God!

2009-04-20T22:47:00.013-04:00

I've just received word from YouTube, that Beyonce, is NOT in fact God.

So all those tithes and offerings you made in the name of Sasha Fierce went to Matthew's child support.

And when you caught the spirit at the Beyonce Experience you were actually having a small stroke.

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you.

Hopefully there's a support group that you can join where you can pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

(SIGH)

If it smells like tang and titty sweat today it's because we have more plus-sized YouTube queenery.

But first, let me start by saying that I have a love/hate with YouTube. On a serious and personal note I grew up watching anything and everything that had anything to do with music and I would record any concert, award show, tv show or whatever, and about 5 years ago I lost all of my belongings including my large music and video collection, and because of YouTube I get to watch videos that I thought I would never see again. So it gives me the chance to discover and re-discover great music. YouTube fuckery has gotten me through many a dark day, and most importantly without YouTube, I don't know how else I would have discovered this woman. She is the air that I breathe, the highlight of my life, and I feel that she is the highlight of yours too.

On the other hand, there's a part of YouTube that makes my ass itch. I am all for self-expression and freedom of speech. Although I snap for the kids part-time I can't sit through a lot of the lisping, hissing, and spraying that fills most tangy YouTube videos. I like that we live in a world where even the most ignorant and homely-looking individuals can have wide platform to express their opinions live and direct from their dorm room/grandma's living room, but I wish people's opinions had some kind of basis in fact as opposed to insecurity and bias.

In today's video, Juicy goes on a 10 minute monologue about how Beyonce ain't no diva. He says Alicia Keys is a diva, Janet Jackson is a diva, and Mary J. Blige is a diva, but for some reason Sasha Fierce just doesn't make him moist.

The basis of this video is around the concept that there's something about Beyonce that is arrogant, aloof, and bitchy. We've been talking about this since Matthew sent LeToya and LaTavia back to the Jack in the Box drive-thru window, but I guess it's still relevant in 2009.

It bothers me that people will sit down and make a 10 minute video before they do 3 mintues of research which prevents them from looking stupid, and the facts that are in this video are wrong at best. Keri Hilson has NEVER written a song that has appeared on a Beyonce album. And I need a link to where Kanye West says he doesn't care about his fans. If I recall correctly he says sometimes he wishes he didn't have as many fans because he feels limited creatively, but we discussed that in the "commerical" versus "artistic" thesis paper.

The truth is that 99% of us will never hang out with Beyonce or get to know her for who she TRULY is. We can only assume. Beyonce may be the sweetest person in the world. Beyonce may eat puppies and punch small children. No one truly knows. All I know to be true is that tramp entertains me. Period. And I said it before and I'll say it again, I am not paying you to be my friend. I am not paying for your comeback story, I'm not paying for your personality, or because I feel sorry for you. I am paying you to entertain me, so put that wig on and shake an asscheek.

I know we like to pretend like we know everything about people on TV, but if we have learned anything this year is to not assume that we know anything about anyone. Just take these people as entertainers and you won't set your self up for disappointment.

I have never understood when a person says I don't like (insert name) If you don't like their music that's fine. But until you spend extended amount of your time with them you will never know them, so any opinion you may have is based on your on insecurity about who you are.

And Beyonce isn't the only artist with crazy stans. But people like point and pick at Beyonce's stans to make it seem like she's only successful in the minds of a bunch of crazy people, but in reality she wouldn't be who she is if people aside from hardcore stans didn't care about her.

Regardless of that foolishness, in honor of Miss Diva Bacon Deluxe's YouTube's masterpiece I will be giving away free tickets[1] to the I Am...Sasha Fierce Tour (sponsored by Hamburger Helper and Summer's Eve Feminine Wipes)

In order to win the tickets you have to find ALL of the items on this list:

1. You must find me a picture of Beyonce with a female with at least 3 more Grammys than she does.

2. You must find me a video of a Destiny's Child performance where Michelle is in the middle for at least 2 minutes.

3. You must find me a picture of Julez giving Beyonce a side-eye.

4. You must find me a picture of Cousin Angie in a shade of lipstick besides Freakum Red.

5. You must find me a picture or video of an attractive person hating on Beyonce.

6. You must find me a picture of a popular NBA or NFL player with a brown-skinned or dark skinned girlfriend or wife (I'm yellow and it even bothers me sometimes)

7. You must find me a video of an Ashanti performance where she does NOT pat her weave.

8. You must find me a picture of Beyonce wearing horiztontal stripes.

9. You must do a screencap of a message board or YouTube post where a Beyonce stan says something nice about Rihanna.

10. I need a video of Britney Spears singing and dancing live at the same time... in heels at least 5 inch high.

[1] TERMS AND CONDITIONS - I am not actually giving tickets to see Beyonce. Get the fuck outta here. I just have nothing else to do with my time. I plan to see her when she comes up here but she got me all fucked up if she think Imma pay $1000 to take her a picture with her trick-ass. For $1000 she better sing every song from I Am...Sasha Fierce, B-Day, and do a one-woman show of the Dreamgirls movie, then we're going to take a long walk around the park after dark, and cook me dinner. Then let my mama go wig shopping with her mama, give my sister microbraids, give my brother a lapdance, and give me 45 minutes unsupervised on her back-up dancers' tour bus.

In Defense of Keri Hilson

2009-04-16T23:18:00.019-04:00

I came across this video today as I was getting bodied by the spirit of Fresh.

If you are at work, or on your mobile phone, or if your high speed internet situation ain't really what's poppin' this month, I'll recap this video as only I can.

So ~~Skorpian~~, ~~this hot piece of sessual chocolate,~~ this young man heard that Keri Hilson would be signing copies of her CD in between her shifts at the record store. So he put on his durag, hitched his titties up, put gloss on his lips and squeezed into his good pair of Dereon jeans. Then him, his mom, his little sister, his Aunt James, and Uncle Shirley drove all the way across town to meet Miss Hilson.

When he gets to the record store, he is informed by management that if you buy the album you get to go in the special VIP, Diva Deluxe line and meet Keri Hilson quicker (That's some Matthew Knowles Business School shit right there). So since the album was only $1.49 he bought the album so that Keri could sign it.

So he's standing in the line waiting to meet Keri Hilson, and when he gets up there Keri's personal assistant says "Miss Hilson is not speaking today she is resting her voice for a performance.

OH WORD? Is she saving it for the Keri Hilson Experience?

Let's keep it 100. "Turning Me On" is not exactly "Dangerously in Love Parts 3, 4, and 5", and there is NO song in Keri Hilson's catalogue that requires more than a screech or a moan, so I'm not sure exactly what Keri was saving her vocal chords for, but Tangmaster Jay up there was starting to get annoyed by Miss Hilson's diva behavior.

What finally overcooked Waymon's neckbones was when Keri would not personalize the CD. She only signed "Love, Keri", and then told him to slide to the left.

First of all let me say I can relate to Holiday's anger towards Keri. The time and hair gel he spent to go meet Keri Hilson cannot be replaced, not to mention the money he spent on her CD and then after all of that drama he leaves the store feeling like a groupie who was wasting Keri's precious time. But let's look at this another way.

There are 4 levels of fame in 2009.

LEVEL 1 - Myspace/YouTube famous
LEVEL 2 - BET Famous
LEVEL 3 - MTV Famous
LEVEL 4 - Old White People Know Who You Are

Beyonce of course is on Level 4, and so many of you ~~hoes~~, people act like you don't know that. Beyonce is Beyonce anywhere in the world whether you're at the Gucci store in Paris or $5 Indian Hair and Check Cashing store in Decatur, Georgia. Keri Hilson is barely BET famous, so you may not understand what gives her the right to act in such a way, but in defense of Keri and the other Beyonceitis victims, let me just say it is not easy being a C or D list celebrity. From my personal experience C and D list celebrities are more self-centered than A-list celebrities because there's always the question of "Do you know who I am?". Beyonce and other A-listers rarely have to ask "Do you know who I am" because people already know.

I am going to give Keri the benefit of the doubt and assume that either she was sick or was just not having a fierce day, but I can imagine Beyonce stans are gloating about this. We should all remember that everybody has a bad day, even semi-celebrities, so here are examples of incidents when Beyonce was a little rude to her fans:

From ImmaADivo:

"I met Beyonce in December 2008, right after "I Am..Sasha Fierce" came out. She was trying to shop in New York City and she had her wig pulled low and she had on her sunglasses so I knew that she didn't want to be seen or bothered, so being the kind and considerate fan that I am I screamed "EVERYBODY LOOK! IT'S BEYONCE" So I went over to meet her and she was nice and sweet and gave me a hug. She signed my "I Am..Sasha Fierce" CD, she signed my "B'Day" CD, my "Live from Wembley" DVD, my "Writings on the Wall" CD, she signed my copy of LeToya's first CD, and she co-signed on my car lease. I explained to her that my grandma was a big fan of hers and was in the hospital and I asked her if she would go visit my grandmother in the hospital and she said yes. Then she asked me where in New York City my grandmother was and I said my grandma lives in Nigeria. So Beyonce flew to Nigeria and visited my grandmother in the hospital. Then my grandmother asked her to sing a song for her, and Beyonce said "Sure, what song do you want me to sing?" Then my grandmother said "Could you perform the whole damn Beyonce Experience for me?" So Beyonce performed the entire Beyonce Experience in my grandmother's hospital room, and did a good job except for one thing. She cut the Destiny's Child medley short. I think it was very rude and inconsiderate of Beyonce to cut the Destiny's Child medley, I mean Destiny's child is what made her and now that she got a little fame she act like she too good to do her old songs. I love Beyonce, but I don't think I'll ever look at her the same way.

From HaloHomo1981:

I needed a kidney, and Beyonce agreed to let me have one of hers. When the doctor's removed her kidney I asked her to autograph the kidney for me and she said, she wasn't sure if it was safe to sign a kidney. See this is what's wrong with celebrities these days. They are so stuck up they can't take 2 seconds of their time to sign the kidneys they give to their fans. You need to come back down to reality Beyonce and realize that it's the fans who make you who you are. I'm never buying another one of yours albums, but thanks for the kidney.

From Noelle:

I have been a Beyonce fan since 1981. I even camped outside the hospital when I heard she was born. I have every CD, DVD, and Cassette, I've gone to every tour, I seen all of her movies at least 8 times, I have spent thousands of dollars on L'Oreal, Samsung Phones, Direct TV satellite dishes, Japanese bottled water, Pepsi, McDonalds, Nintendo Games, American Express cards, Audemars Piguet watches, Hermmes briefcases, Cartier tie clips, Silk-lined blazers, diamond cream facials, VVS cuff links, and six star pentsuites because Beyonce told me that I should buy it, knowing my broke ass couldn't afford it. I was a little hurt by her Beyonce's behavior when first met her. First of all I spent 3 weeks doing a painting of Beyonce breastfeeding her future child LaDereon Caprice Carter while sitting on a globe. The painting symbolizes that although Beyonce is sitting on top of the world, she is still a regular woman, who I would like to see naked. So I spent all this time on this painting and go give it her.

So I let myself in Beyonce's apartment, make myself a snack, and waited for Beyonce in her bed. I figured we could have a slumber party and do each other's hair and talk about boys and practice French kissing and all that stuff, but "Miss Diva" had other plans. When she came in a saw me naked in her bed eating up all her Hot Pockets, she started acting all very rude and stuck up and called the police and stuff. As the police dragged me out of her apartment I realized how much of a stuck-up diva Beyonce has become.

The Beyonce from back in the day would have found time to kick it with one of her fans, but Negroes these days crossover to the pop charts and they think they too good to cuddle butt naked with their stalker fans. The nerve of some people...

I'll still buy her albums and support her, I can't buy a ticket to her concert because I'm not allowed within 600 feet of her. I will always support her, but I think all this fame has started to her head.

Testicle Difficulties

2009-04-08T23:11:00.008-04:00

I would like to apologize for my outburst earlier. You know I usually conduct myself in a much more classy and dignified manner and I usually don't make it habit of arguing with 7 year olds, or adults who think like 7 year olds. I understand and have accepted the fact that most of what I do is preaching to the converted because the people who truly understand are not the people who need to read it. And the people who need to read it, probably can't read.

I've just been in a bad mood lately. Maybe the recession has gotten to me. I don't know. Up until last week I hadn't had sex since Solange's CD came out, and I thought that if I had sex it would help take the edge off. And I did have sex last week. Twice. I'm not saying both times were with the same person. I'm just saying...don't judge me. It was ok. On the sex scale I give them both a 6.

SEX SCALE:

1 = Get the hell off me.
2 = I guess you think that was sex...
3 = That wasn't sexy that was just nasty.
4 = Well, at least I was drunk...
5 = Don't call me, I'll call you.
6 = I might answer your text message within 48 hours.
7 = I will answer your phone call within the first 4 rings.
8 = I want to make you some grits
9 = I want to make you some pancakes
10 = You can have my debit card and PIN Number

It was ok, and I played safe (remember kids if he likes it then he will put a condom on it,) and although my neck and my back were into it, my heart wasn't in it. :(

What does this have to do with Beyonce?

Not a damn thing. Can't I just share my life with you? Why is it always about you? You selfish mofos...

Beyonce can't relate to my problem.

Beyonce sleeps under a man, on top of an expensive mattress full of money. So she wouldn't understand... that stankin' trick (and I say that with love and affection.)

As I get myself together please enjoy this YouTube fuckery:

"Your usually funny but not this time. A couple of chuckles here and there but overall blahhh...

2009-04-08T14:23:00.009-04:00

"Your usually funny but not this time. A couple of chuckles here and there but overall blahhh

I love beyonce dont get me wrong. but what are you stans going to do when beyonce has her flop? were not talkin about movies lmao beyonce is like the "black excuse me creole" Jennifer Anniston, she just cant get that real huge box office hit."

-------------------------------------------------

Dear Anonymous Pussy-Ass, Trick-Ass, Coward-Ass, Wack-Ass, Hypocritical-Ass Posters,

I don't expect you to respond to this. You probably typed it real fast and ran back to BeyonceWorld.

I can tell by the "lmao" that you thought you were making a joke.

Awwww. That's cute.

First of all today's post is not a "post" it's just me talking, so please don't copy and paste it (that annoys me).

I welcome constructive criticism. I'm not the type of blogger to disable the comment section or delete comments. My email address is there. You know where to find me. But when you people do this anonymous bullshit and then take off running, that's not fair. I usually don't post things like this because there's really no point, but I will play along today. I'll give you the attention that you want.

I guess you're probably wondering why I haven't bodyslammed you, or taken your IP address and tracked you down and knocked your into 2015? That's not the type of person I am. See a year ago me, Tootie, and Tay would have came to your neighborhood, brought Tootie's 1984 Pontiac Grand Prix to real slow creep and whooped every ass that was moving.

But we have evolved.

We have class.

We have dignity.

We have outstanding warrants in Georgia, North Carolina, and Virginia.

In my 7 years as a Sasha Fierce support representative I have learned that whenever somebody says "I like Beyonce but..." usually some bullshit is coming after the "but". Yes there are stans who can't take honest facts about the artists they stan for, but there are also people who secretly hate these artists who for some reason continue to dwell on their message boards for years.

But since we like to keep it real about Beyonce, let's keep it real about everybody. It's a 2-way street. I would be a hypocrite if I didn't keep it real with other artists.

Now back to your original question, "what are stans going to do when beyonce has her flop?" I guess they are gonna plan a mass suicide. When Beyonce has a her flop they will all gather at House of Dereon headquarters, eat poisoned Popeye's chicken, and go on to the Upper Room. Life would not be worth living if Beyonce has a flop.

But seriously, let me ask a question.

Name one big music star who is a HUGE movie star?

Justin Timberlake?

HUGE Star, Sells lots of albums and concert tickets, but has NEVER a big hit movie.

Alicia Keys? HUGE Star, but has never had a BIG hit at the box office and has never had to carry a movie.

Mariah Carey? You know that story.

Britney Spears was in a movie. Remember it? Didn't think so.

Madonna? 27 years in the game. Over 200 million albums sold, highest grossing tour ever by a solo artist. Has appeared in over 20 movies NOT ONE has been a huge blockbuster hit.

Rihanna?

Rebbie Jackson?

Charlie Wilson?

Omarion?

Hello?

Anybody?

Think of a star who is a HUGE box office draw and a big music star at the same time?

And if you say Hannah Montana I'm going to have Celestine kick you in the uterus. Hard. I'm serious. Stiletto pump... in... the gut... who would've thought Miss Tina would get crunk?

I don't expect "Obessesed" to do "Dark Knight" numbers, and I certainly don't expect it to win any Oscars, but compared to some other music stars, Beyonce is doing very well at the box office.

The Fighting Temptations opened respectably. Austin Powers had the highest opening weekend for a comedy. Cadillac Records did well in spite the fact that it was only showing at like 3 damn theaters across the country.

Dreamgirls grossed over $100 million at the box office. Yes we can go into the Jennifer Hudson versus Beyonce thing, but how much of that $100 million do you think came from Beyonce's fanbase versus Jennifer Hudson's fanbase?

If some of you people would read a book or do some research before running your mouths, you would learn more in one minute than you have from 5 years of sitting on a message board pretending to like Beyonce.

U.S. Tour Dates Announced

2009-04-07T01:14:00.011-04:00

World renowned fashion design icon Tina Knowles has announced the dates to her 2009"I Am... Going To Skull Drag You" World tour. During the tour Tina Knowles will be performing some of her greatest skull draggings, ass whoopings, and ass stompings with a few surprises. The tour kicks off in Atlanta, GA where Tina is scheduled to skull drag T-Boz, Keri Hilson, and Ciara at the Waffle House parking lot. The tour will hit Waffle House and iHop parking lots across the country with stops in Miami, Tampa, Atlanta, New Orleans, Greensboro, NC, Kansas City, Washington, DC, Baltimore, New York City, New Jersey, and Philadelphia, and will end with Tina skull dragging bitches at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas for a whole week.

The official Tina Knowles fan site will also be selling exclusive VIP Concert Tour Packages that won't be available anywhere else. The VIP Package includes:

- Meet and greet package
- Free picture with Tina Knowles with 2 poses. The "jail pose" and the "prom pose"
- VIP buffet and reception including a Newport, half a red plastic cup of Grey Goose, and your choice of Cheetos or Doritos.
- Free copy of "Solange and the Hadley Skreet Dreams"
- $700 worth of Miss Tina Merchandise
- 2 Free passes to see "Obsessed" at the "good" movie theater, not the "urban" one where the niggras talk to the screen and talk on their mobile phones and do all kinds of ignorant shit. I mean why the fuck would you pay $10 to sit in a theater to show people how stupid you are?

Tina released this statement:

"I am excited to be able to tour the country skull dragging hating-ass, smart-mouthed chicks. For years people have been talking about slick about my firstborn, and for years I have dreamed of the chance to be able to travel around the country and skull drag hoes for running off at the mouth, and now my dream has come true. I have been rehearsing very hard for the tour, skull dragging Solange back and forth in my driveway trying to get it just right because it's been awhile since I have had to skull drug a ho. I have been so busy with my business endeavors, but I felt that now is the time for me to take my business wig off, and put on my ass-stomping ponytail and skull drag a couple of bitches."

Tina had a press conference early today where she answered several questions about her upcoming tour.

Press: What exactly is a "skull drag"?

Miss Tina: A Skull drag is when you grab a ho, male or female, by the head, usually by the lacefront, track, and/or quick weave and drag him or her from one location to another. This is usually done in parking lots, skating rinks, or club bathrooms. Back in my day we didn't do a lot of talking. You said something slick, you got mollywhopped, and there were no hard feelings afterwards. Chicks these days be tiptoeing, and double-talking, and saying one thing and meaning another thing, and I just don't have time for that. You say what you mean, I slap you cockeyed, then it's over. As Lauryn Hills said, "It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard."

Press: Have you ever "skull drug" anyone

A: Oh yes, I used to skull drag bitches all the time before I had kids and began conducting myself in a manner befitting a classy lady of Dereon.

Press: What is the purpose of this tour?

Miss Tina: Beyonce has been slinging her lacefront around for over 10 years and she runs ALL this shit now, so a certain level of respect is due. And I will tour the country skulldragging bitches until she gets the respect she deserves. See if I let this slide then people are going to start talking reckless then Imma have to turn my wig around, and go in my purse, and POP! POP! POP!, and I told myself I wouldn't do that...

Press: Why doesn't Beyonce just skull drags these ladies herself?

Miss Tina: She has a tour, a movie to promote, videos to shoot, photoshoots, and she has to replace the engine in Michelle's Honda Civic, Beyonce got shit to do! While these chicks are talking about what they WOULD do, or what they WISH they could do, or what they USED to be doing, Beyonce is getting money. Also, Beyonce isn't skull dragging with me because she don't know when to stop. Have you ever seen one of those angry chimps at the zoo just jump on a nigga and rip his face off and not let go? That's Beyonce. Once she pounces on yo' ass, she won't get off you until you're in a coma. I'm not trying to hospitalize a bitch, I'm just trying to teach a lesson. Beyonce ain't got good sense. That's why I don't party with her no more. She's my daughter, and I love her more than I love Hennesey and thug peen, but the chick is crazy.

Press: What is your beef with Ciara?

Miss Tina: This is about the 3rd time in less than a year that she has talked out of the side of her mouth about my first born. Ciara seems to have forgotten who the #1 diva in the game is and seems to think that her and Beyonce are equals. HA! She contradicted herself. She said she comes up with new and orginial ideas then in the same breath she says she was inspired by Theirry Mugler. Like she knew who Thierry Mugler was. Like he knows who Ciara is. Me and Thierry are tight! I call him Thierizzle! We been kicking it since last summer! We write on each other's Facebook walls EVERY DAMN DAY! and he ain't ever mentioned Ciara. I like Ciara, I love Ciara, Goodies is still my ringback tone, but it seems as though Beyonceitis has eaten away at some of her memory cells. Maybe if I knock those slave-ass braids out of her head she will regain some of her memory. Let's keep it 100. Even if you did THINK of the idea first it ain't like you have the budget to pull it off therefore anything you do will ALWAYS look like something you bought at a Beyonce garage sale. So furthermore I suggest she watch her mouth and stop tryna act like she is better than everybody else before...

Press: You put a ring around her damn eye? You said that last week.

Miss Tina: I know, it just applies to so many situations.

Press: Ok. What's your problem with Keri Hilson?

Miss Tina: I don't even want to speak on that. When she sees me she just needs to fall on the ground cause it's going to my foot and her ass, but mostly my foot.

Press: What's your issue with T-Boz?

Miss Tina: Look I don't have a problem with T-Boz, X-box, Icebox or whoever. Again, I love T-Boz. I love TLC. She used to be my favorite. If my face were a different shape I'd rock that haircut she rocked from 1992-until early fall of 2004.TLC was my shit! There's nothing wrong with expressing an opinion, but sometimes it's about the timing. If this had been 1996 maybe I would care about what you have to say, but me asking T-Boz for music career advice is like asking Chris Brown for relationship advice. And although she was in a very successful girl group, her comments seemed a little salty. Maybe if she would have had a "Matthew" as her manager she wouldn't have to sell her belongings or anything else. Say what you want about Kelly or Michelle, but at least they got to release solo albums and perform and tour as solo artists, and they might not be doing jackshit right now, but those royalty checks come err month. Yes, ERR month. Kelly and Michelle might not be as famous as Beyonce, but at least they're not wondering what could have been, and they can still have respectable careers because they can sing LIVE. Yes I said it! You know where to find me! Hadley Street all day errday! It may have looked like favoritism, but if it were truly just the "Beyonce Show, starring Beyonce" then Kelly and Michelle's albums would have NEVER come out and they would have been kicked to the curb the day "Dangerously In Love" debuted at #1. And don't say it was because of the contract because if Justin Timberlake can duck and dodge N'Sync for 10years we could've dodged a Destiny's Child reunion too. I get so sick of people saying "Why doesn't Matthew get Kelly and Michelle on this award show or talk show like he does for Beyonce?" It's not about getting somebody on award show it's about that show WANTING to have you. If it were that easy then I would have opened the Grammys this year doing the "Stanky Leg". If you don't attract viewers then you won't get booked on these shows. Point. Blank. Period. Do you know how many 2 for 1 award show deals we've done? How do you think Solange got on Fashion Rocks last year? How do think Kelly got on the BET Awards? We said we'll give you Beyonce but you gotta take these other chicks too. If you recall Beyonce didn't perform new material at Fashion Rocks or the BET Awards. She didn't have an album to promote at the time. If we were truly the heartless, selfish people that we are portrayed as then Beyonce would have just said "fuck them" and Kelly wouldn't have been on stage at the BET Awards. That was Beyonce's vacation time! She had scheduled a weeklong dickdown session with her man, but she cancelled it because of Kelly's album. That's true friendship right there to make you cancel some dick. A manager can only do so much, it's up to the people to support you. If people care so much then they should just buy the albums instead of bitching about a topic that has been beaten to death since 2000.

Press: Why are you so angry Tina?

Miss Tina: I'm not angry. I'm just a businesswoman. If you are going to use Beyonce's name for publicity you need to cut her a damn check and she hasn't received a check, a money order, prepaid debit card, Blockbuster card, library card, or nothing from any of these chicks, yet we have given them more attention then would have gotten on their own so either they send some money or I'm taking a handful of their weave. Maybe we need to start a publicity program or something. Like for $50,000 these C and D list celebrities can sit with Beyonce at a basketball game, or walk down the street with Beyonce or something and have your picture taken and posted on blogs to make them appear relevant.

What do you think?

Do You Know What Today Is?

2009-04-04T00:25:00.004-04:00

Can you believe it's been one whole year since Jay put a ring on it?

It was a historical day. Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers of all time marrying Beyonce the Diva Slayer. Very few details are known. NO pictures have ever been seen which to me speaks volumes. Love is not about what the eyes can see or what people think about your relationship. It's about the love and connection between those two people. It was about making a commitment and declaring it to each other, not to the whole world.

On that night, April 4, 2008, Jay-Z wasn't a multi-millionaire business mogul and legendary rapper, and Beyonce wasn't the hottest chick in the game. They were a man and woman in love. A man and a woman who had made a lifelong commitment to each other. And after they said their vows they walked to the middle of the dancefloor as husband and wife, pulled each other close and shared their first dance to this song.

The I Am...Tour Is....Not Selling Well

2009-03-31T12:02:00.020-04:00

The Wigcrypt Research department (Google) has learned that the I Am...Tour is flopping all around the world.

This screencap shows that the first show in Zagreb, Croatia is... Sold Out.

Source

Oh.

Well this screencap shows that the show in Belgium is... Sold Out

Source

Damn.

Well in Germany her shows are NOT sold out...but the best available seats are damn near out in the parking lot.

Those Germans must love Sasha Fierce... Scheiße!

SOURCE

Well in the Netherlands Her Show Flopped So Hard They....Added a 2nd Show...

And in Ireland They Hate Her So Much They.... Added 3 shows...

Source

How About Spain....

Wow...That's an awful lot of rojo in that picture... Viva la Sasha Fierce!

Well in the UK the tour is flopping so hard...

Source

Wow...

Happy Early April's Fools!

The moral of this story, haters, is if your favorite artist can't sell out Chuck E. Cheese playrooms, you should not be concerned about whether or not Beyonce sells out in the first minute. So therefore I suggest you watch your mouth and stop tryna act like you are better than everybody else before I put a ring around yo' damn eye!

And stans, Beyonce is not going to sell out every ticket of every show, No artist does, not even Madonna sold out EVERY SHOW, and usually she sells out everywhere(even though her tickets cost $10,000 and a left testicle). So chillax.

Now, if you guys are done acting like a bunch of illiterate, hyperactive, gay monkeys, I think I'll go get me some nachos... You want anything?

(Goes back to the Peace Treaty)

I Am...Tired of This Shit

2009-03-30T11:49:00.015-04:00

Beyonce Stan: Did you see Beyonce's new (tour/video/magazine cover/birth control pill commercial) she shut it down! Take that haters!

Bitter Stan: Why she have that white woman hair in her head. She so fake.

Bitter Stan: She stole that ponytail from Janet. Janet invented ponytails. She's a legend. Beyonce is a swaggerjacker.

Beyonce Stan: BITCH! Beyonce can wear whatever she want on her head. She got 10 Grammys!

Bitter Stan: She stole that! She's always stealing shit.

Beyonce Stan: BITCH! Beyonce ain't gotta steal shit! She got 10 Grammys!

Bitter Stan: She need to stop eating all that Popeyes. Her hips are spreading like rumors.

Beyonce Stan: BITCH! Beyonce can eat all the chicken she wants. She got 10 Grammys!

Bitter Stan: She stole chicken from Janet. Janet invented chicken. Jimmy Jam just added hot sauce, but Janet invented chicken and she never gets the credit she deserves. She's a legend. Beyonce is a swaggerjacker.

Bitter Stan: Beyonce is so overrated.

Beyonce Stan: BITCH! Yo Mama's dick-sucking skills are overrated you baldheaded ho. Beyonce ain't overrated! She got 10 Grammys!

Bitter Stan: Janet invented dick-sucking. That's why she sings about it all the time. She invented it in Minneapolis in 1985. She's a legend. Beyonce is a swaggerjacker.

(sigh)

Allow me to re-introduce myself.

The name of this site is Beyonceitis.

Beyonceitis was founded on 3 basic concepts:

1. Beyonce is more underrated than overrated.

2. Not all gay men love Beyonce. Only attractive gay men love Beyonce. Unattractive gay men prefer other artists.

3. Hating on Beyonce won't make your favorite artist anymore relevant.

Around these concepts I made a web site and a blog, both highly satirical, but rooted in truth. No matter how deep in denial you are, whether it's mild Ciara-stan denial or severe Janet-stan denial, you can't deny that after June 24, 2003 the game changed and Beyonce made it very difficult to have a vagina in pop/R&B music.

Some girls survived.

A lot of them didn't.

So I made a site to document this period. I called it "Beyonceitis". I'm assuming that it must be true otherwise the name of this site would be Cassieitis. Since the site started in 2007 Beyonceitis has spread and grown more deadly. Despite the hate and opposition Beyonce's career as only grown in the last 2 years. I realized that Beyonceitis had fully taken over when Beyonce turned the inauguaration into the I Am... Sasha Fierce tour. I said to myself : "Sasha Fierce doesn't play fair. It's really a shame how she whoops these girls asses. She has SLAUGHTERED the game."

I've never seen anything like it, and neither have you. So I felt the need to document it with this blog.

I've never received one red cent from this site. Not even a Dereon gift certificate, a METRO card, a WIC coupon, or nothing. Perhaps that makes me a devoted stan Sasha Fierce Support Representative, perhaps it makes me a bad businessman. I keep it pretty loose around here. I don't delete comments or disable comments. If I get to say what I want to say you should say what you want to say (except free advertising). I do this for free without a lot of complaining, however, I come to you today because ladies and genetlemen "ladies" I am tired.

I am tired of the arguing between stans. I'm tired of us searching Google, Billboard, and Wikipedia for albums sales, concert sales, #1 singles and things trying to "shut each other down".

And before you even think it, let me state facts:

I DON'T hate on an artists.

Hate is saying something like "Beyonce's (expletive word for female genitalia) smells like a 3rd world country" as somebody wrote in the comment section last week (SIDEBAR: Anonymous posting is for pussies).

Hate is when you make a general negative statement rooted in nothing but ignorance and your own disdain.

Everything I say (that's not obvious fiction) can be backed up factual evidence.

Yes, I understand that some Beyonce stans go to YouTube pages to start shit also. Those stans do not represent the views and opinions of the rest of us. If you have learned anything from this blog it's that it is possible to support an artist WITHOUT having your head so deep up their anuses that you can't see the reality of certain things.

This is why I don't do "nice" posts about other artists. You always take it the wrong way. I was NOT dissing Ciara. I like Ciara. I just hate to see her opening for other artists and pushing back albums at this stage of her career. I mean, I give constructive criticism to Beyonce, and I love her more than I love porn, hot wings and top-shelf liquor. What makes you think I won't give constructive criticism to other artists? It doesn't make me less of a fan of Ciara, just less of a hypocrite.

But today is a new day. I would like to create an understanding between stans of other artists, so I would like to introduce the Beyonceitis Stan Peace Agreement. This agreement is designed to reduce the arguing, bickering, and general ignorance that has over taken comment sections all around the internet. It's ok to have an opinion, crack jokes, or even disklike an aritst, but I feel that given the chance, some of you would stab a bitch over your favorite artist, and it's really not that deep. I wouldn't stab nobody over Sasha Fierce. I might let some air out of your tires, or send a computer virus or something, but stabbing... no.

Anyway... here's the agreement:

CONDITIONS AND TERMS OF THE BEYONCEITIS PEACE AGREEMENT

BEYONCEITIS VICTIMS CLAUSES

Section A. - Ashanti

Beyonce stans shall refrain from calling Ashanti "Ashitty" "Sideburns McGee" "Magilla Gorilla" "Flopshanti", or any derogatory name. We will not bring up how she sucked the color off Irv Gotti's pecker to get a record deal because you have no video or photographic proof of that. You will admit that you thought her 1st album was the shit, and you also liked her other albums even if you only downloaded them.

She had the biggest opening week sales for a R&B female artist and in the same week she became the first female performer to simultaneously hold the top two places on the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart. She must've done something right before Beyonceitis paralyzed her.

You are not obligated to purchase a concert ticket to see Ashanti, as most Bingo casinos have an age limit.

In return we ask that Ashanti stans be quiet and be grateful that she wasn't a featured contestant on "For the Love of Ray-J."

Section B. - Brandy and Monica

Beyonce stans shall refrain from bringing up Brandy's "spiritual union" or her string of flop albums. They were all great artistic achievements.

You will not say anything bad about Monica. Don't nobody better say nothing bad about Monica! Monica ain't neva done nothing to nobody! You know you like Monica. In your imagination Beyonce and Monica are best friends, and Beyonce is the godmother of Monica's children, and Monica does Beyonce's hair, usually with a ponytail on the right side, kinky twists on the left, a swoop bang in the front, and her name cornrowed in the back. And they go to clubs, outlet malls, and Waffle Houses together with Keyshia Cole and they all keep small handguns boxcutters in their purse in case shit jumps off.

I still would not buy a concert ticket to see Brandy because she only tours Six Flags parks now, and the Six Flags closest to me gets quite "niggaish" in the summertime, and I will NOT be ducking and dodging bullets just to see the Moesha Experience.

In return we ask that Brandy stans be quiet and be grateful that she's not in prison fighting Big Sally for her virginity.

SECTION C - Janet Jackson

Beyonce stans shall refrain from referring to Janet Jackson as "Tranet" "Floppita Jo" "Janet Jackass" or any other derogatory name. That lady is an icon. A legend. She paved the way for all of these tone-deaf broads to pop their poons on stage, and she STILL looks good.

You will not bring up her string of failed albums or the Super Bowl incident unless it's a severe stan emergency. You will not bring up her canceling her tour due to low ticket sales, vertigo, severe vaginal itch, or the bad economy. Stop rubbing salt on an open wound. That lady is an icon. A legend. Show some muddafuckin' respect.

In return we ask Janet stans to just... go away.

SECTION D - Christina Aguilera

Although you are not required to be a fan of the vocal masturbation that Christina Aguilera calls singing, you shall respect the unique and creative creature that is Christina Aguilera. Even if else nobody cares.

In return we ask Xtina fans to go stick themselves.

SECTION E - Mya

You shall tip her at least 20% when your bill comes at Ruby Tuesdays. I know it's a recession, but it's hard out there for minimum wage workers.

SECTION F -Kelly Rowland

Beyonce stans shall refrain from making jokes about 'Miss Kelly'. Like saying that they're on sale for 19 cents at K-Mart. Or that they give it away free with McChickens at McDonalds. "Miss Kelly" was an excellent and underrated album, and Kelly Rowland a unique talent, who... I'm sorry I can't...

SECTION G . Amerie

(Please see Mya)

SECTION H. - Ciara

Beyonce stans will not call her "Cecil", "Cialis", or any name which insinuates that she has male genitals. That is a woman. She was born a woman. The End.

You liked her first and 2nd albums, you two used to be homegirls until you started ackin' funny and hanging out with Beyonce, now you act like you don't know nobody. Her number is still the same. Why don't you call her. She'd love to hear from you.

In return we ask that Ciara stans be quiet and be grateful that she hasn't been dropped from her label due to "creative differences".

SECTION I . Britney Spears

Beyonce stans will respect the power of Britney Spears. Just a year ago people were writing her obituary, now she's selling out concerts. This lady deserves handclaps and fingersnaps. So please snap in a circle, a triangle, or rectangle for Miss Spears 3 times.

In return we ask that Britney Spears stans be quiet and be grateful, that she's still around, even if she doesn't know where she is half the time.

SECTION J. Rihanna

Beyonce stans shall admit the fact that Rihanna gave Beyonce hell for a brief period from late 2007 to mid-2008, and for that deserves at least a token amount of your respect.

You must admit that style-wise Rihanna slays 90% of these broads even if vocally she sounds like a goat being molested.

You will admit that "Good Girl, Gone Bad" will probably go down as one of the best albums of this decade.

You will not dwell on the events of February 8, 2009, or use it as a comeback in arguments against Rihanna stans.

You will not say that you will "Chris Brown a bitch." Or give somebody a "Chris Brown Combo". That is not acceptable language and Beyonce would not condone it. She would laugh about it with Angie and Solange in her dressing room, but she wouldn't want you to say it publicly on a message board. Her mama taught her better than that.

You are still not required to pay to see Rihanna in concert. $100 is too much money for a high-tech fashion show. The damn Ebony Fashion Fair costs $25 and that includes a FREE subscription to Jet.

(SIDEBAR:1989 Jet Magazine with Cast of 'A Different World' of the Cover > Rihanna Concert)

In return we ask that Rihanna stans just be quiet.

SECTION K - Beyonce

Beyonce stans shall realize that the world was not created on September 4, 1981.

You shall stop being general jackasses. Stop being so easily baited into arguments.

Stop trolling around YouTube starting fights with people.

You shall realize that if you visit the blog of somebody you know hates on Beyonce just to defend Beyonce you are still putting money in their pockets.

You shall realize that petitions are for pussies. Nobody cares what you think.

You shall realize that it's ok NOT to like everything Beyonce does. You won't get your stan card revoked.

You shall realize that there's nothing I can say or you can say to totally "shut down" a hater. The only person who can truly shut down a Beyonce hater is Beyonce, and she's been doing that everyday for the past 10 damn years.

SECTION L. Provisions for ALL stans.

1. You shall not sign up on a message board to promote other artists. All it does is piss off the other members, and make you look desperate.

2. You shall admit that Beyonce is better than everybody at everything including but not limited to singing, dancing, acting, video games, drawing, hot dog eating contests, martial arts, forensic science, hunting, fishing, mud wrestling, basketball, boxing, horseback riding, fencing, hockey, dodgeball, and putting up sheetrock. Plus, she has a paralegal degree, a real estate license, she can type 75 words a minute, and she can roll a blunt and glue on a lacefront wig at the same damn time.

3. We shall all try to relax and have a sense of humor. It's just entertainment.

We enter into this agreement on the ____________________ day of ____________________ of the year ___________.

_________________________________________________X
(SIGNATURE)

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I want to foster a more cooperative spirit among stans. I want us to take it back to the 90's when there was a bunch of chicks running things versus having one chick run everything and a bunch of hating internet bitches mad at her. So I need a stan representative for each relevant or relevantly irrelevant female artist to sign this and fax or mail this agreement to Wig Crypt Headquarters.

Wig Crypt International Headquarters
(Fax) 777-9311

If this is not signed by a representative from each of the above artists within five (5) days, and if I don't see a decrease in YouTube, blog, and board arguing then the agreement is null and void and I will go back to being spiteful and mean towards the ~~wack-ass artists~~ that you stan for. If I left anybody out please add on in the comment section.

I WON!

2009-03-30T00:42:00.006-04:00

Despite the fact that I was kicked out of BeyonceWorld, I was voted "Most Missed" along with 2 other ~~tramps~~ talented young ladies.

Wow... this is so unexpected.

I'd like to thank the creator... Matthew for giving us Sasha Fierce.

I'd like to thank Tina Knowles for being the ORIGINAL female version of a hustla.

I'd like to thank Sasha Fierce for being my inspiration, my muse... the wind beneath my wings, the stocking under my wig.

I'd like to thank Solange just for being Solange.

I'd like to thank the people at BeyonceWorld for banning me then voting for me. I appreciate that.

I'd like to thank the women with whom I share this award with. Tootie and Tayder Chips.

If you threw a party, and invited everyone you knew, you would see that the cheapest gift would be from me, and the card attached would say "Fuck yo' wack ass party ho!"

If this were Golden Girls I would probably be Dorothy since she was a man.

And Tay would be Sophia.

Tootie would be Blanche.

And Rose, of course, would probably be Wayne.

Finally I'd like to leave you with some words of wisdom, something my grandmother told me a long time ago, when I was about 4 years old.

She said "Honey Bun" (she called me Honey Bun from time-to-time)... She said "Honey Bun, I want to tell you something, I want to tell you the secret of life. No matter how much money you have, where you end up, or who you end up with, one thing will always be true... listen carefully sweetie...

NIGGAS. DON'T. APPRECIATE. SHIT!

Niggas always find a way to fuck up a good thing.

They'd fuck up a wet dream if you let them.

They'll hate on you when you doing good, they'll hate on you when you doing bad.

You do you, don't let a bunch of ignorant muthafuckas dictate how you live your life.

Tell them to eat a dick!

Now sleep tight Honey Bun...

Thank you all.

In Defense of Miss Ciara Harris...

2009-03-26T00:00:00.024-04:00

In honor of my birthday today, instead of you giving me presents, I want us to give Ciara the benefit of the doubt, but first let's go back in time.

Picture it.

October 7, 2008.

Ciara releases the "Go Girl" video. The video featured a brand new Ciara with a brand new style ("new style" these days means black hair dye), and hot choreography which took me back to the days when all it took was a good dance breakdown to entertain me. And if that wasn't enough, it had T-Pain.

T muthafuckin' Pain!

"Go Girl" was going to be that song, the "big hit" that transformed Ciara into the worldwide mainstream star she deserved to be. Yes, Ciara was finally about to breakthrough and become the new queen of the industry.

Then one week later...all hell broke loose.

Such is the life of an R&B female artist in the 21st Century. Just when you think you're about to beat Beyonce, she sneaks up on you from behind, grabs you by your drawstring ponytail, and smashes your face into the ground, over and over again until you are forced to retreat back into the studio and try again.

Ciara did retreat back into the studio and 6 months later we have "Love, Sex, Magic" which is low on love and magic, but heavy on the sex. Not that the sex part is that believeable. Justin and Ciara have about as much chemistry as Beyonce and Mike Meyers in Austin Powers... Or Beyonce and Cuba Gooding Jr. in Fighting Temptations, or Beyonce and Adrian Brody in Cadillac Records.(SIDEBAR: Can we write Beyonce a hot Monster's Ball love scene or something? I know she's married but I need passion! Beyonce needs to make us feel like she wants the dick! That's what wins Oscars!)

But I digress...

Today I come to you not to criticize but to help our sister-in-Christ Miss Ciara Harris. My first memory of Ciara was on 106 and Park, November 2004. Ciara will admit that she's not the best singer, but on stage at 106 and Park she sounded good, looked great and hit all the moves, and seemed genuinely interested in putting on a good show. Not since Sasha Fierce had I been that impressed by a new artist that early in their career and I remember saying to myself: "This chick might be competition".

5 Years later Ciara is opening for Britney Spears and hasn't made a hit has big as "Goodies". It seems as though she wants a Beyonce-esque level of fame and success but doesn't seem to know how to make that happen. For everything Beyonce does, Ciara seems to do a smaller scale version.

Beyonce gets Oscar buzz in Cadillac Records.

Ciara does a straight-to-DVD movie.

Beyonce starts a clothing line and becomes Thierry Mugler's muse

Ciara models Rocawear.

Beyonce releases a multi-platinum album and has 5 songs on the charts at the same time...

Ciara...well...she just can't get right.

Before you fix your mouth to say "Not everybody wants to be like Beyonce", let me just tell you that you're a garbage-mouthed liar. Nobody dreams of being in the music industry and says "One day I want to be semi-famous and be #4 behind 3 another chicks." and for anyone of them to say they wouldn't want to trade places with Beyonkadonk, I would have to believe that they are lying.

But it takes more to being Beyonce than shaking your ass or picking the right removable hair pieces. So today Wig Crypt presents to you:

4 Ways Ciara Can Beat Beyonce (or at least become #2)

#1. Make Us Want To Be You As Much As You Want to Be Beyonce

"Love, Sex, Magic" is cute but not catchy. It will not inspire any dances or YouTube videos. The club won't go crazy when the DJ plays it. President Obama won't quote it in any of his speeches. On Halloween, if a bunch of tangy-ass 7 year old boys came to my door dressed in leotards with Reynolds Wrap foil on their hand I would know automatically that they are dressed as Miss Sasha Fierce in 'Single Ladies'. If another bunch of tangy-ass 7 year old boys came to my door dressed like this:

I wouldn't know what to make of it.

Me: What are you kids supposed to be? Thundercats?
Gay Kids: No...
Me: Gay Cheetahs?
Gay Kids: No....
Me: Gay Crackheads?
Gay Kids: No...
Me: Gay Crackhead Cheetahs?
Gay Kids: No...We're Ciara!
Me: (slams door)

Beyonce has given us a BUNCH of universally recognized dances and styles. "Put a ring on it" and "To The Left..." have become apart of daily language. To be Beyonce you need to be able to influence the way people talk, dress, and they kind of feminine hygiene products they buy. If you're going to be a female version of a hustla, your impact needs to reach far beyond the music.

#2. Stop Trying to Remind Us That You Have a Vagina

When "Goodies" came out and it was rumored that Ciara was born with a big floppy nutsack it was probably one of the worst and unfair internet rumors ever (you hateful internet bitches!). Since that time Ciara has tried her hardest to prove once and for all that she in fact does have a couple of holes down there. Whether it was that awkwardness with 50 Cent, her "relationship" with Bow Wow, busting it open and getting loose on the cover VIBE, or molesting Justin Timberlake on camera it has been a constant and deliberate effort to prove that she likes boys but is not one.

Beyonce has never had to prove her femininity because no has ever accused Beyonce of having a penis. Beyonce may be a big drag queen but it is a known fact that she is 100% certified Starkist Tuna fish. Ain't no balls down there. She's a whole lotta woman.

#3. Make That Money, Don't Let Make You

As I said on day one of Beyonceitis, "women in music have been slinging pussy since Tina was rolling on the river with Ike", so Ciara making her cooch fart in Justin Timberlake's face doesn't really bother me. But in my eyes female sexuality has almost been more powerful when it's the female who's in charge and defining her sexuality on her terms rather than relying on a man to define it.

Example:

- Janet Jackson was wrecking shit at the Superbowl Halftime show up until she relinquished control of her show to Justin Timberlake. He may have added mainstream relevance, but he walked away with her career.

- In "Love, Sex, Magic," Ciara was there for solely Justin's pleasure, singing Justin's song, rolling around in cages and licking him and grabbing his nuggets like she ain't got no damn home training. He may have added mainstream relevance, but we still don't have a better sense of who Ciara is.

- Beyonce, on the other hand, had Justin running around the set of Saturday Night Live with his ass hanging out dancing behind her, doing HER choregraphy to a song that she had already made famous. Beyonce didn't need any mainstream relevance.

Get the picture?

#4. Be Nice To Sasha Fierce and her Followers

When Ciara first came out she said that it was Destiny's Child that influenced her to get into show business.

Let's just be honest. It was BEYONCE that influenced her to get into show business, (I'm sure Michelle Williams dancing awkwardly in the background wasn't what led her to that epiphany).

Since that time Ciara (and a whole lot of other R&B/Pop broads) have been trying to distance themselves from Beyonce's influence on them even after admitting that Beyonce was the one who inspired them to dip it, pop it, twerk it, and/or stop it.

Maybe if Ciara would talk honestly about Queen Creole's influence on her career it would appease those nutty Beyonce stans who don't like it if an artist so much as looks at Beyonce cockeyed. If we learned anything from the Keri Hilson episode of this show you DON'T want to make Beyonce stans angry. They're the ones who keep Beyonce afloat, what makes you think they can't make (or break) you?

We hated on Ne-Yo for having the audacity to take credit for a song he wrote.

We hated on Aretha and Etta James for trying to bait Tina Knowles into a Senior Citizen Slap Boxing Match.

We hated on Keri Hilson for maybe, sorta, kinda, dissing Beyonce in a song.

And we hated on Rihanna just for being born.

We almost started to hate on Ciara for that "If I Were a Boy"/ "Like a Boy" controversy. But that really didn't take off they way I hoped it would.

The point is, us ~~Beyonce stans~~ Sasha Fierce Support Representatives, don't care who you are a legend or a C-list R&B chick. If you cross our Queen, that's your ass. But if you give glory to the wonderful name of Sasha Fierce we'll buy 4 copies of your album.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because I understand that it's hard to put creativity on a deadline, I won't continue to belabor the numerous pushbacks and delays of Ciara's 3rd album, and I'll reserve total judgment until her album comes out, whenever it comes out...IF it comes out. I hope she can pull it together. I don't want to officially put Ciara on the "Beyonceitis Victims" list, because there's still room for her in the industry, and there are artists less talented than who have achieved more success. I just hope everything works out and the wait was worth it because she deserves better.

Simply Deep

2009-03-16T22:57:00.012-04:00

WARNING! This topic has a lot of words. I tried to make it short as possible, but if reading is not fundamental to you then do not scroll down. If you're from BeyonceWorld you shouldn't scroll down because I say a few nice things about people other than Beyonce and I know how much you people hate that. Click that red x at the top of your screen, and don't come back. Fuck you very much.

----------------------------------------------------------------

"I dumb down for my audience and double my dollars
they criticize me for it; but they all yell 'holla!"

---Jay-Z

First, let me start by saying that I don't need a scientific study to tell me that Beyonce fans are dumb. I told you that 2 years ago. That's not to say that ALL Beyonce fans are dumb. I am a ~~fan~~ Sasha Fierce Support Representative, and I think I'm kinda smart sometimes. I can spell my name and I can read real good. I got a 1220 out of a 1600 on my SAT. I went to a summer camp for gifted kids. I have many leatherbound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. I didn't finish college, but it has nothing to do with intelligence and certainly not with Beyonce. I grew up with the expectation that if you're smart, you go to college, and if you go to college, you get a good job, and somehow through hard work and gumption you become Bill Gates. Well I learned that in real life it doesn't always work that way. I learned that my intelligence and my life were not to be defined by what I was supposed to be doing, or what people expected me to do, but rather my experiences and my choices. I had to learn the difference between being educated and being intelligent. And while you can educate a person, you can't make a person intelligent. Intelligence, in my opinion, is something you either have or you don't.

Because of that I was slightly offended at the thought that the kind of music I listen to is somehow related to how smart I am. I have always felt that our taste in music says more about our moods and our life experiences than it does about our actual intelligence. Music is very important to me, but the music I listen to may or may not paint the most complete picture of the person I truly am.

For example, my brother will shoot everybody in the comment section, but if you go to his Myspace page the song playing is "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers. The reason why is because he's going through a breakup (his girlfriend came and took all her shit, she took the TV too, even told him the baby wasn't his. It was quite a comedic and Colored spectacle.) My brother's song choice was not influenced by his intelligence or his need to adhere the common perception of what a "thug" is supposed to listen to, but rather by his current life experience. His heart is broken. He hurts. That is the song that expresses that. Music can inspire and uplift your life but there has to be a life already there.

I guess this is the part of the show where I start naming a list of artists that I listen to show you how deep and eclectic I am. Let's go through my iPod. These are the most played songs on my iPod. You probably assumed that Beyonce would be in all the slots. You may see Beyonce a few times. You may see a couple of songs from Beyonceitis victims. You may even see songs from your co-worker at Target:

To me this playlist doesn't say that I'm "smart" or "dumb". It says that I am a little different. I didn't do what the fast "girls" do. It says that I've had my heart broken, but I still believe in love and all that it can do for you. It says that I like synthesizers and thick vocal arrangements. It says "Imma buy you a drank and take you home with me, but no I don't want your number, and no I don't wanna give you mine, and I bet you want the goodies, I bet you thought about it, but if liked it you shoulda put a ring on it, but if you don't want me then don't don't talk to me because I can have another you in a minute because the milkshake still bring 'em to the yard...damn right it's better than yours."

All of these artists and genres co-exist in my iPod with no problem. The only issues I have is when I put my iPod on shuffle and a Kirk Franklin song comes on, and when it goes off the next thing I hear is "All you ladies pop your pussy like this". So I made a separate playlist for my gospel and spiritual songs. I think King Jesus likes it better that way.

But I digress...

I'm writing today not just because of the scientific study, but because of the fact that it brings up an age-old Beyonce argument: "smart" versus "dumb" "real" versus "fake". "deep" versus "shallow", and the fact I may have lost a friend over the "Video Phone" song. Yes, Beyonce's 'Video Phone" has ended one of my friendships. First of all let me just say I don't like or dislike "Video Phone".To me it's a catchy little ditty. Nothing more. Nothing less. But it sparked a heated conversation, which went something like this:

Friend: Why is she talking about stripping over a cell phone? That's not her life. It's just not necessary. Why does she feel the need to dumb things down?

Me: I mean it's just a song...what about the "I Am..." side of the album? You said liked those songs right?

Friend: Yes, but that's just a marketing gimmick.

Me: So let me get this straight. If Beyonce tries to produce a hit then she's "dumbing it down". If she tries to sing a song which may actually speak to her life then it's just a marketing gimmick. So she's either dumbing it down or a marketing gimmick?

Friend: Why can't she just sing songs that are true to her life?

Me: If she sang songs that pertained directly to her life then it would an album about her growing up in upper middle class Houston, TX, and the fact that she has more money than all of us put together, and that she never even saw a man's tenders before she saw Jay-Z naked. That would be kinda boring don't you think? She rides a Maybach but a lot of her fans take the bus to work. Why not speak to the people who buy her music, not as a superstar, but as a person, regardless of whether it comes directly from her life or not, why not produce music that regular people can relate to? Why do you focus on a song about stripping over a video phone? Why not focus on the song where she says that any man worth your time should want to be a committed relationship with you. Or the song where she says that whether or not you have a man or not you should still be your own best friend?

Friend: Because it's not real.

(sigh)

Because I don't think it's possible to form an accurate opinion of a person's intelligence or their life by the music they listen to, I can't possibly form an completely accurate opinion of a person's life or intelligence by the music they produce.

To better understand this, let's take a page from that great Negro poet Clifford Harris. Here's an excerpt from an interview he did with VIBE magazine in August 2007.

VIBE: People look to you to lead. Do you feel like you are in a position to talk about things of substance? Would you?

T.I.: I don't know how much more in my business people want to be. I don't know how much more in my business I want people to be. I heard from Diana Ross that you gotta save some from yourself. I couldn't argue with her. There are so many people to accommodate...

When the interviewer asked him about "T.I. vs. T.I.P." being a "commercial" album T.I. responded:

"Hopefully we'll get more Chevy commercials out of it. This is a business. I'm not going to cut off my nose to spite my face. Some of my best songs most of my fans have never even heard. For your own self-gratification you make the songs you want to make around those other songs..."

To put that in Sasha Fierce terms, for every "Halo", Beyonce does a "Diva", for every "Me, Myself, and I" she must do a "Check On It".

T.I. said he refuses to "cut off his nose to spite his face". Bringing that back into Sasha Fierce terms, Beyonce COULD do an album full of "Halos" or "Me, Myself, and I's" to quiet the critics (and her fans) who question her artistic integrity, but let's just be truthful, critical acclaim does NOT pay the bills (try and take a good review to the leasing office on the 15th and see how long you stay in your apartment). She could also make an album of "Check On Its and "Divas" a bunch of trendy, club-banger, made-for-iTunes, ringtone-ready songs, but that's clearly not what she wants to do, and you must ask yourself as a stan of whatever artist you stan for: Would rather that artist succeed at doing music they don't want to do or flop with an album doing exactly what they wanted to do?

People complain about the "shallowness" of music today. Music ain't like it was "back in the day". Well part of the reason is that music is not received the way it was "back in the day". No matter how "deep" any of us think we are, we still look at music more than we listen to it. Erykah Badu said something really powerful that spoke on this issue, she said: "I discovered I'm in a world full of personality worshippers: People aren't looking for a savior. They're looking for someone who looks like one."

She was speaking on this preconceived notion about how a "real" artist is supposed look, act, dress, and sound. Over 10 years ago, right after her first album had dropped and some of her fans were upset that her dreads were actually extensions. I mean a "real" artist has "real" hair... right?

I guess Erykah longs for a world where we could listen to music free from our preconceived notions about what "real music" is supposed to look like and how "real music" is supposed to be expressed. And she's right about us living in a world full of personality worshippers. When I ask you who your favorite artist is, I am not asking, who is the most best singer, the best dancer, or even who's the most naturally talented, what I am asking is if you were famous which one of these tricks would you like to be? Who would you most like to be friends with? Perhaps if we lived in a world where we judged Erykah's music based on the content instead of what is under her head wrap, or how she conducts her personal life, we could kill this "real" versus "fake" argument once and for all.

I've grown tired of the misuse of the words "real" and "deep". To me "real' is whatever applies to you at that particular moment. If your heart is broken and you need 'Irreplaceable" to pull you out of it then that's real for you. If you need a little self-esteem boost and want to listen to "Diva" that's real for you. If you want to bend over in front a bathroom mirror and send the pictures to your boyfriend then "Video Phone" may be the realest shit ever created. I can't say which one of these songs will go down in history as classics because classic means that it withstands the test of time, and in order for me to know that would mean that I have a time machine which can see into the future. I don't, and I'm willing to guess that you don't either. Not all current classics were deemed classics out of the gate. Not everything mainstream is bad, and not everything underground is good. It simply boils down to what speaks to you at that particular time.

In trying to make Beyonce "real' we may be trying to make her something she's not. and maybe it wasn't just a smart "marketing gimmick" to split her album in half. Maybe Beyonce realized that people's lives are not so simple that one artist, one song, one album, or one style is going to say everything we want to hear ALL the time. That's why we can pull a little bit from everybody. The great thing about it is that if Beyonce isn't saying what I want to hear, maybe Alicia is, and if she doesn't have the words, maybe Keyshia does, or Erykah, or Kanye, Rihanna, or Keri, or Solange. The great thing about life and iPods is that there's more than enough space for variety. Not one artist can be all things to all people no matter how multi-talented they are. There are many of different people with many different life experiences, and many different songs to go along with it.

Maybe Beyonce has heard the "real" versus "fake" argument a thousand times and in spite of it she still sings about swinging her thong around on her video phone, or about her kitty kat, or about how much of a diva she is. Despite all the pressure and the criticism, she makes exactly the kind of music she wants to make, how she wants to make it, when she wants to make it. Isn't that what a "real" artist would do?

With Tears In My Eyes I Write This...

2009-03-09T23:03:00.002-04:00

(sigh)

I usually don't post videos that have been picked up by major blogs because I feel like that if it's a Beyonce-related video then you hardcore stans (and haters) would have sniffed it out the second it was uploaded on YouTube like a dog at the airport, and I don't see the point in posting a video that you have probably already seen. But never in my 22 years (23 in 2 weeks) has a video so accurately, completely, and passionately described my pain and frustration as a ~~stan~~ Sasha Fierce Support Representative. This video IS Beyonceitis in a 4 minute nutshell:

YouTube Hits 100 Milli

2009-03-06T15:19:00.011-05:00

It was announced today that YouTube set a new record when they had over 100 million viewers in the month of January in the United States.

97 million of those viewers were Beyonce haters.

Because I am a rising entre-po-niggra I am always trying to find ways to expand my biznass and get more people to my blog. I guess I could go to BeyonceWorld and advertise there, but if you recall I AM STILL BANNED!. So I decided to interview YouTube's Marketing Research Director Heywood Jablomi to see how YouTube has become so successful. Here are excerpts from our interview:

Me: So how have Beyonce haters generated so many YouTube hits?

Heywood Jablomi: Our market research shows that Beyonce haters operate under the assumption that EVERYBODY wants to hear about their hate of Beyonce. Instead of trying promote music they they do like, they feel the need to bring Beyonce's name up in real-life situations that have absolutely nothing to do with her.

They bring her up in videos that are NOT related to her:

They bring her name up when they pay rent:

They even bring her name up when they give tithes and offerings to the Lord:

Some of them are even so sad and pitiful that they register on Beyonce-related message boards, with hardcore Beyonce stans and hate on her.

Me: But that doesn't make any sense. If you don't like Beyonce why would you spend time at a place filled with her pictures, her music, and people who love her more than life. That's like if I hated Pizza Hut pizza but I liked Papa John's pizza. Why would I go to Pizza Hut and tell people not to eat there. I mean, the people wouldn't already be there if they didn't like Pizza Hut, and I have just wasted my time and made myself look very stupid instead of just eating at Papa John's and going on about my business.I don't think Beyonce haters aren't that transparent.

Heywood Jablomi: Yes they are. CNN.com posted a story about a possible cure to HIV. Then they posted a story which gave out an address to where people could get unlimited $100 dollar bills (no strings attached). Then they posted a story about Beyonce eating chicken nuggets. The HIV story got 3 comments. The story on how to get free $100 bills got 2 comments. The Beyonce story got 5,429,387 comments, most of which were negative. We're not sure how a person can find something negative about a person eating chicken nuggets, but I'll be damned if they didn't find a way. Haters complain about her being overexposed yet they can't keep her name out of their mouth, and will not miss an opportunity to click on a link with the word "Beyonce" in it. We at YouTube used this to our advantage.

Me: How?

Heywood Jablomi: We create fake Beyonce hater accounts. We have dozens of fake accounts with names like: "Beyonceisfake" "Beyonceisabitch" "IHateBeyonce" "BeyonceSucks".

Me: What's the point of doing that?

Heywood Jablomi: We have found that creating fake hater accounts attract real haters and real stans. Some stans spend more time looking for haters than they do looking for actual Beyonce videos. And when they find them, the stans take the links back to message boards, and they bring back about 1000 people to YouTube. And those 1000 people (most of whom are undercover stans of other artists) take those links to other artists message boards, and they take them put it on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, YourSpace, YoMamaSpace, GaySpace, and anybody who will listen to them. Then they bring 1000 people, and those 1000 people bring 1000 people, and so on, and so on...

Me: Wait a minute. Why would a Beyonce stan take a Beyonce hater link to a Beyonce message board. Why would they promote hate of Beyonce?

Heywood Jablomi: I don't know. Common sense goes out of the window when dealing with Beyonce. I guess they think that they can convert the hater into a stan. But as Kanye West so eloquently stated "Hater niggas marry hater bitches and have hater kids." Hate starts in the womb. Hate is embedded in our DNA, it's genetic. People are born that way. You can help it and you can't change it. Embrace it. We at YouTube have just found a way to make money from it. We have made billions and billions of dollars of Beyonce haters and stans.

Me: I see... Well... Can I hold something?

Heywood Jablomi: Umm. no.

Me: Oh. Well, what do you think would happen if Beyonce stans minded their business and stayed at BeyonceLand, and Beyonce haters took their hateful energy for Beyonce and transformed into love for somebody else. The energy they use to hate, what if they used it to promote other artists, buy their albums, request their songs at the radio. It takes all of about 30 seconds to buy a song on iTunes, but a "Beyonce Had Plastic Surgery" video takes at least an hour. What if everybody just minded their business and worried only about the things they liked, instead hating on the things they didn't like?

Heywood Jablomi: The whole damn internet would shut down...

Battle of the Divas: Round 2

2009-03-05T12:18:00.006-05:00

Keri... (sigh) what are you so angry about honey? 9 times out 10 the female you were referring to in your little verse was not the one responsible for your album
getting pushed back 54 times (as I predicted).

I'm usually not one to get into artist beefing. To me it's silly, childish, and honestly, I feel that if you have enough confidence in yourself, your talent, and the product you're trying to sell then you should not try to get publicity by taking cheap shots at people. Some people still seem to be confused as to whether or not Keri Hilson is talking about Beyonce. Well I'm here to end all speculation.

She is talking about Beyonce! And it's just as plain as the wig on her head.

"Your vision cloudy if you think that you da best/You can dance/she can sing/but need to move it to the le...(Don't do it to 'em shawty!)/She need to go have some babies/she need to sit down she fake/them other chicks ain't even worth talkin bout..."

Are you still confused?

Let's eliminate other suspects:

Alicia Keys

Your vision cloudy if you think that you da best: Alicia is one of the best we have, but she has never made a "big deal" about of it.

You can dance: Alicia is not known for her dancing.

She can sing: Yes she can.

She need to go have some babies: With that other woman's husband? LOL

She need to sit down she fake: Alicia is real. She plays the piano, she writes books and stuff, she's from New York, she has extensions in her hair, bamboo earrings, At least 2 pair. [1]

Janet Jackson

Your vision cloudy if you think that you da best: She's a legend, but doesn't go around broadcasting it. This would be aimed more towards Janet stans than Janet.

You can dance: Sorta kinda...she can't hit that Stanky Leg like she used to back in the day but she still got some moves.

She can sing: Not really. Nope.

She need to go have some babies: She's no longer in her optimal child-bearing years.

She need to sit down she fake: I don't know... Janet might cut a bitch...

Ashanti

Your vision cloudy if you think that you da best: Her vision would have to be cloudy and her ears would have to be clogged to think she was the best.

You can dance: Let's not do this.

She can sing: I told myself I would be nicer in 2009.

She need to go have some babies: Her and Cornell would make some pretty nigglets. Plus she got those child-bearing hips.

She need to sit down she fake: I don't think we can call Ashanti fake. She seems like she would be a load of fun to hang out with and hit up the outlet malls.

Ciara:

Your vision cloudy if you think that you da best: Wouldn't you need to release an album on time to even be considered one of the best.

You can dance: She's one of our best dancers...

She can sing: Errrr....ummm...ooooh...damn.

She need to go have some babies: Ciara does not have female reproductive organs.

She need to sit down she fake: I don't think she's fake, but that VIBE magazine cover fiasco could have been handled differently. I like CiCi, but if you're gonna toot that thang up and spread your lips apart on the cover of a national magazine be proud of it...

Rihanna

Your vision cloudy if you think that you da best: She has never really said she was the best.

You can dance: Fuck you, ok!

She can sing: Eh...eh...eh...

She need to go have some babies: Maybe she can have a daughter. It's always nice to have a homegirl to help you fight.

She need to sit down she fake: She's probably one of the most image-driven artists in history, but I wouldn't say she's fake.

Beyonce:

Your vision cloudy if you think that you da best: Jay-Z calls her the hottest chick the game. President and First Lady Obama, Chris Martin, Tina Turner, and millions of fans around the world co-sign.

You can dance: Yes she can, and anybody who says different is a damn hater!

She can sing: Yes she can, and anybody who says different is a damn hater!

She need to go have some babies: She's already pregnant. I read it at BeyonceWorld.

She need to sit down she fake: I mean just because she don't fuck for tracks, or do illegal shit in parking lots, or have 6 babies fathers, or hasn't smoked up all her royalty checks doesn't make her fake...but I understand...

By process of elimination we can deduce that Miss Hilson was talking about our Saviour Queen Creole. And that's fine by me. But I just wish people would name names and stop talking out the side of their neck. If you bold enough to talk shit, be bold enough to name names and get the ass-whoopin that comes along with it. I'm not really mad. Everybody is entitled to their opinion, but when I get home Imma call Solange, Tina and Big Lil' Baby D. And we they get ahold the mess that was said... somebody's album and wig are gonna get pushed back.

But let's give Keri the benefit of the doubt and assume for a minute that she's NOT talking about Sasha. What's the point? Her album is still going to debut at #776, and now she has gone and aliented sensitve ass Ciara and Beyonce stans. If I were a new artist I would be trying to steal as many artists' fans as possible, not piss them off. I would be on 106 and Park talking about how much I loved Beyonce, Ciara, Rihanna, LaToya, Kima, Keisha, and Pam, even if in the back of my mind I couldn't stand those bitches. The reason why is because at this point in the game and your career you can't afford to lose potential album sales.

And why is it that it's always artists of questionable talent and relevance that's taking shots at people. For once I would like to see Alicia Keys call out Beyonce. Or Jill Scott try to tittybox Erykah Badu. Those would be REAL battles. Keri Hilson versus Beyonce is laughable. Keri doesn't have half of Beyonce' stage presence or vocal talent, and damn sure not her record sales. I'm sure her album will be good, but it better be since she's been working on it since Clinton was in office. To sum up my point, it's ok to be angry about the your album getting pushed back, but you shouldn't talk like that until you can back it up.

[1] Name that tune.

Battle of the Divas: Round 1

2009-03-04T14:07:00.006-05:00

This spring it will be a diva showdown between Britney and Beyonce as both pop queens are going on tour, and in some cities they are playing the same venues within days of each other. Because of this there are undoubtedly going to be comparisons between the 2 shows so the relevant and unbiased people at MTV.com went to Britney's opening night and then went to Beyonce's rehearsal to compare the two
shows. Here's their reviews:

Here's MTV's review of Britney's new show.

Here's MTV's review of Beyonce's new show.

Why I am No Longer A Beyonce Stan

2009-02-19T11:20:00.027-05:00

I am no longer a Beyonce stan.

Before you begin clutching your Dereon pearls and before you get overcome by the vapors, allow me to explain.

I was banned from BeyonceWorld.

That's right.

Banned.

I, imaginary friend of Sasha Fierce, imaginary keeper of Beyonce's wigs, and imaginary organizer of Beyonce's birth control pills, have been banned from a Beyonce message board.

Banning me from BeyonceWorld is like banning Tina Knowles from BeyonceWorld, because she is the only other person in the world who has fought harder for the advancement of Creole people, and she's the only other person aside from me who is likely to stab somebody for talking slick about Beyonce.

I'm sure you are asking how can the owner of a site called "Beyonceitis" get banned from a Beyonce message board. How can those fothermuckers ban a person who has done for Beyonce what Martin did for the people? Yet I find myself banned from the premises of BeyonceWorld. They kicked me out. They Cranked that LaTavia on me. They told me to get my shit and get out!.

The truth is I asked to be banned. At BeyonceWorld when irrational and delusional stans start to get on your nerves you can't delete yourself like you can at Janet Xone. The only way out is:

1. Don't sign in.
2. Get yourself banned.

And BeyonceWorld is like crack rock. It's bad for you and will probably kill you in the long run, but it is so addicting. I could not stop myself from logging in so my only way out was to get myself banned.

So how did I get myself banned?

Did I call the board moderator a "self-sucking son of a bitch"?

Maybe I did. A lot of things were said in the heat of the moment, who can remember who said what.

Did I post pictures of freakishly large penises?

That depends of your definition of "large". Beyonce might not think they were too large, too big, too wide, or too skrong, but then again her first time was with Jay-Z and we all know he as the Loch Ness monster in his pants so her definition of a large ding-a-ling maybe different from yours.

But, as I do in every post, I digress.

I had good reason to commit message board suicide. I know your eyeballs are getting tired from processing all of these words, so to make a long story short allow me to present to you:

7 Reasons Why I Hate Beyonce Stans:

1. Beyonce is always pregnant.

Whenever Beyonce does something different from what is expected then Beyonce stans say it's because she's pregnant. If she doesn't walk the red carpet it's because she's pregnant. If she skips the Grammy Awards it's because she's pregnant. If she starts her tour in Canada it's not because of the shitty economy in other parts of the world but because she is pregnant and is trying to get the tour over before her water breaks in her Dereon Jeans. Our nation is in a recession because Beyonce is secretly pregnant. In the minds of Beyonce stans all of the world's problems are because of Beyonce's uterus.

2. They're Ugly.

Ok. Ugly is a little harsh, and I usually don't believe in using that word. I feel that we are all beautiful gifts from Virgo, but I got tired of looking at oversized pictures of busted-looking Beyonce fans. I'm just saying I shouldn't have to scroll past 48 big-ass pictures of monkeys, chimps, gremlins, lions, tigers, and bears just to read Beyonce news.

3. Beyonce Stans Act Like She's Janet/Ciara/Ashanti

Beyonce stans act like Beyonce is an artist starving for attention or a comeback, so if by chance she is not on everybody's talk show, morning show, late show, award show, fashion show, and dog show then they make it seem as though she doesn't care about her career and is being lazy. They ignore the fact that she stayed in the Top 5on the album charts for months and had 4 songs in rotation at a time when some popular artists can't get one song played. They ignore the fact that there are a million behind-the-scenes things that have to be done before you go on tour. Dancers have to rehearse, stages have to be built, wigs have to be curled, chicken has to be seasoned. It's nonstop work. Beyonce fans always seem know what she should be doing with her career. I just hope some of them get jobs at Def Jam (well, the ones who don't already work at Def Jam)

4. Humor = Bad/Haters and Free Advertising = Good

It's ok for stans of other artists to advertise, it's ok for overweight queens with learning disabilities to advertise video blogs hating on Beyonce, and it's ok for MediaTakeOut and your favorite blogger's favorite blogger to steal news from BeyonceWorld. There are members who have flat out called Beyonce fat and dumb and have not be banned, but if you call a board member "bald-headed" (which some of them are) or if you call the moderator gay (which he probably is) then you get banned quicker than you can say "Uh Uh Oh".

5. BeyonceWorld was Turning into RihannaWorld

As much as I am annoyed when people bring up Beyonce's name out of context to hate on her, I would be a hyprocrite if I didn't point out that certain Beyonce fans feel the need to evoke the spirit of Miss Fenty in conversations that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with her. I have acknowledged that Rihanna is competition, but I don't need to bring her into situations that have nothing to do with her.

6. Stans Want to Have Their Popeye's Chicken and Eat It Too

Beyonce stans want Beyonce to be a ground-breaking, cutting edge artist who is at the top of her game, but part of being groundbreaking means taking risks, and some Beyonce stans only support those risks if the it turns out to be successful. They don't like or dislike things on based on their own tastes or opinons, they like or dislike things based on the potential for hate or potential for bragging rights. For example, if Beyonce started wearing a hats made out of dildoes they would hate. But if everybody else starts wearing the those same people will act like they were up on dildo hats before everybody. So in simpler terms a lot of Beyonce stans are stans only when it's convenient to them. As I have said numerous times before, I would rather look at something that Beyonce does, understand it, and still hate it because I truly hate it, rather than not understand it, and just like it just because other people like it.

7. You Start to Think That Sasha is Not So Fierce

If you spend an extended amount of time with Beyonce stans arguing from the comfort their dorm rooms or grandmother's basements you begin to question why you like Beyonce in the first place. I mean if she's as great as you think she is, how did she manage attract such shit heads as her fans? I like Beyonce, does that mean I'm a shit head too? As much as you believe in Sasha Fierce and all that she can do for you, after arguing, defending, and explaining things all day you just get tired of her fans and sometimes, you get tired of her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
To sum it all up, Beyonce stans could find a way to fuck up a wet dream, and because of the above reasons, I felt that it was time for me to leave BeyonceWorld, and I will admit, that it has been fun getting Beyonce news without the added and unnecessary commentary.

It was fun watching the Oscars without:

"Why is Jay not there?"

"Why doesn't he support his wife?"

"He probably somewhere creepin' on Beyonce, that farm-faced bastard..."

"You think they got into a fight?

"I didn't want them to get married anyway."

"What are the Oscars?"

"Is "Single Ladies" nominated for an Oscar?"

"Do you think she'll perform "Diva" at the Oscars?"

"Do you think she'll go into labor on stage, since she is pregnant?"

And such...

I will still continue to give glory and send praises to Sasha Fierce. I'll get good and liquored up so that I can sit through "Obsessed". And I plan to see the Sasha Fierce Tour a couple of times (but if she thinks I'm paying $1500 to take a picture a with her she needs to go with Rihanna to get a CAT scan because Miss Knowles-Carter done bumped her skull if she think I'm spending rent money to meet her funky ass)

I think message boards and blogs are a very important tool for artists and fans. I don't think any person should live in a bubble where they are shut off from other's people's opinions and criticism because some of it is constructive, and I'm sure Beyonce and/or some of her people have learned from fans' comments and suggestions.

I just no longer feel the need to be reminded of the negative side to being a stan. The ignorance, hypocrisy, and delusion required to be a stan of ANY artist. Most rabid fans of most popular artists are annoying. You can go to any message board of ANY artist and get annoyed after awhile.

I miss the days when I wasn't checking Billboard charts or ticket sales. I miss the days when I didn't know shit. Granted Beyonce is a top-selling artist, but I don't consider myself a bandwagon fan so my appreciation of her is not based on numbers. I liked "Work It Out" and damn it, I liked "Ring the Alarm" (you can kiss my ass that was a hot song). Although I have spent a considerable amount of time giving reasons why Beyonce is better than you at everything, I got tired of debating Beyonce with other Beyonce fans. If I wanted to read ignorant Beyonce comments I could just go to YouTube. In my opinion, not everything she says or does should spark a 67-page discussion (which is why I don't post everyday). And once you find yourself having defend something you like all the time, it begins feeling like work instead of entertainment.

If I have learned anything from the Beyonceitis outbreak it's that career security is not guaranteed. Just because you are hot today does not mean you will be hot tomorrow, and as a fan of Sasha Fierce, I would rather spend this time enjoying an artist in her prime rather than argue about her all day.

So from this day on I will no longer refer to myself as a "Beyonce Stan".
I am a "Sasha Fierce Support Representative".

I don't mean any harm.

I just want to be entertained.

Fuck a Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T10:56:00.005-05:00

Today is Valentine's Day. Since I have yet to find anybody to put a ring on it, or at least put a fake gold chain on it, I will be spending the day alone.

No candy.

No flowers.

No romantic dinter.

Nobody is taking me to the picture show.

No humping, pumping, or jumping-jumping.

No romance of any kind.

Just me and some DVDs.

What will you be doing?

More E-Mails...

2009-02-10T14:00:00.022-05:00

Dear Wig Crypt,

I have been a loyal reader of your blog for about 2 years. I am writing you because so seem smart and you know a couple of big words and you know how to read and stuff. Congratulations. The reason I am writing is because I am in a very bad situation and I need some advice. This weekend I was involved in what my lawyer calls "an unfortunate altercation" and my grandmother calls "simple-ass nigga shit" Me and my girlfriend got into an argument, and I kinda blacked out and I don't remember a lot of it but apparently I physically attacked her. Of course if I could I would take this back but I can't. I am wondering how Cranking That Ike Turner will affect my life? Is my career over? How will I get through this?

The reason I am asking you is because your blog and website centers around artists who have had their careers killed by Beyonce so I figure you would be the expert on dying careers. How do I get through this?

Please help.

Signed,

Love Lockdown

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Love Lockdown,

I'm sure a lot of things are running through your mind.

Is my life ruined?

How do I get out of this mess?

Will I be sent to prison and forced to walk around a cell with my ass hanging out?

The truth is I really don't know. While most people may not be able to relate to this specific incident, most of us have been in situations where our character has been questioned and it's easy to pass judgement especially if we only know one side of the story.

No matter what hardships I am going through I have found that 3 things will help.

Here are those 3 things:

#1 Your Stans.

I have a Ph.D. in stanology and after studying Beyonce and Janet stans for the past 12 years I have found that stans will fight for you no matter how bad things get. They will write petitions, pay for your lawyers, and they will be at the courthouse at 7AM in the freezing cold, passing out hot coffee and grits. Never underestimate the devotion of your stans.

Even if there were HD-quality video of you doing the A-Town stomp on your girlfriend your stans will REFUSE to believe that it was you. There was video of somebody who looked a lot like R. Kelly taking a piss on somebody who looked a lot like a 12 year old, yet he was found not guilty on all charges and is free to roam junior high school parking lots.

Stans will argue for you even if you are dead ass wrong. If Beyonce were accused of shooting a bitch point blank in the face, her stans would say that the bitch shouldn't have been in the way.

Kind of extreme yes, but I think you get my point. Your stans think you're a saint. That can be annoying sometimes but you begin to appreciate it when the rest of the world think you're the devil.

#2. Music

Music will help you through. Sometimes when life stresses you out, getting lost in a good song is great therapy. So put your iPod on and just drift away, but please delete the following songs:

"Oops Upside Your Head" by the Gap Band
"Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas
"Love TKO" by Teddy Pendergrass.
"I'll Beat Yo' Ass" Crime Mob [1]
"Stomp" by Young Buck
"Slap" by Ludacris
"Attack Me With Your Love" by Cameo

#3 Yourself.

The most difficult thing in the world is to have a one negative moment define who you are for the rest of your life, but the sad reality is that there are thousands of men in prison in jail for life because of a couple of seconds of bad judgement.

People are going to call you all kinds of things and portray you as an angry woman-beating monster. To get through that you have to know yourself well enough to know that other people's labels shouldn't define who you are. On the flipside, you should also be man enough to step outside yourself and admit when you're wrong and realize whether or not you need to seek help.

Although I don't condone violence against women (especially women without a switchblade or razor to defend themselves) I understand that sometimes our tempers get the best of us and there is always another side to the story. People like things to be black and white, but more often than not our lives tend fall into gray areas.

Is your career over?

No.

Well, to clarify it's not over in the sense that you'll have to move back to your hometown and work at Target, but you may have to start over. I don't want your career to be over, because for me to want your career to be over means that I want you to lost your job, and I wouldn't wish that on anybody during this recession and if everybody's jobs were based on mistakes they made in their personal lives there would be a lot of unemployed mofos in the street right.

Starting over may be hard, but it'll make you more humble and more appreciative since now you know you can lose it quickly. It may take some time, but you can look at it as a blessing. Everybody deserves a 2nd chance, but not everyone gets one.

[1](The 2nd Crime Mob reference today)

My Deepest Apologies...

2009-02-10T08:48:00.011-05:00

Last evening as I was checking emails I received an e-mail from one Miss Kennisha Hoard.

Kennisha is the proud owner and uploader of the "Mother Wisdom/Single Ladies" YouTube video which is taking the Niggranet by storm.

Miss Hoard wrote:

Hello,

I am the original owner of the clip. Thanks first of all for checking out and enjoying the clip. But I have a concern and I would appreciate it if you would give the correct posting credit to whom it's due. Obviously, it's not you. I don't mind you posting it but if you can not give the clip proper credits to it's owner take it off your site please since I originally posted it on youtube.

As stated before I don't mind that you posted it but to take credit, it's not correct. I'm glad that you find it amusing as it was the plan.

Please be mindful that this is just a skit and straight comedy. She is a ficitonal character.

Thank you for your prompt attention and cooperation.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I would like to offer a public apology.

I know what it's like when people snatch things off your site without giving you proper credit, but that was not my intention.

I have a YouTube page set up for things that I upload, and I assumed that when people clicked the video and saw that it wasn't under the Beyonceitis YouTube Channel, then they would know that it was not my personal video and rather a video I post like many other videos that I have posted and that are posted by thousands of blogs a day.

But I'm aware that common sense and reading comprehension may be too much to ask for. So I apologize for any misunderstanding and miscommunication.

I did not record the Mother Wisdom video.

I have not been inside a church house in 3-4 years, but I can tell you this, if my pastor started quoting scripture from the book of Sasha Fierce or from the book of Crime Mob I would be there early, front row, with a meet and greet package.

But we can discuss religion another day.

I would like to apologize if it was implied that the video was mine. I didn't put my name on it, nor did I say that is my video, and I thought I was doing the right thing, but sometimes you mess up without realizing it. The last thing that I ever want to do is take credit for something that is not mine, and to be accused of such hurts my feelings. (Beyonce-in-Dreamgirls Sad Face)

I would also like to apologize to President Obama. The footage of Queen Creole singing at your ball is not mine, I was not my intention to take credit for it.

I did not record the video.

I did not write the song "At Last"

I did not design nor install Beyonce's hair.

I did not design the First Lady's dress (although Mama Tina did send Michelle Obama some beautiful gowns made from only the finest silk and polyester and only the most classy animal-print)

In the future if I decide to post videos I will make sure to include the owners full name, city, state, kindegarten picture, birth certificate and the church they represent.

Again, I sincerely apologize for the confusion.

When the Party is Over...

2009-02-06T01:37:00.024-05:00

Picture it.

Super Bowl Sunday, 2049.

Beyonce is a worldwide entertainment legend.

From 2009-2013 she embarks on the I Am...Sasha Fierce Tour (sponsored by L'Oreal, Samsung, Oscar Mayer, Toyota, and the new Dereon Pregnancy Test)

Although it becomes the highest grossing tour in history, when the tour is over she leaves music and focuses her attention on acting.

In 2014 she wins an Oscar playing herself in the film:
"Coward-Ass Bitches: The Life and Times of Destiny's Child".

In 2019 she wins a Pulitzer Prize for her autobiography,"Hating-Ass Internet Bitches: The Autobiography of Miss Beyonce Knowles"

In 2022 she wins a Tony Award for a Broadway musical based on her life struggles entitled
"Fat-Ass Blogger Bitches: The Trials and Tribulations of Beyonce Knowles (music and lyrics by Lil' Boosie)"

In between acting projects she has a very full personal life. She leaves Jay-Z and then they got back together. They have 4 kids: Allegra Carter, Levitra Carter, Cialas Carter, and Viagra Carter. One child for each of Jay's pills.

In 2025 She leaves him again and she and Justin Timberlake get married and the two have a 3-year residency at Ceasar's Palace in Las Vegas along with their interracial family band.

In 2029 She leaves Justin and gets back with Jay-Z. Then leaves Jay-Z again.

In 2031 Beyonce goes through an "experimental" phase with Alicia Keys which doesn't quite work out.

In 2033 Beyonce then gets back together with Jay-Z and in 2037 Beyonce is arrested for pistol-whipping him in a iHop parking lot in Houston,TX. Beyonce claims Jay winked at a waitress. Jay says it was a facial spasm and he appears on the cover of Essence magazine to tell his side of the story.

Beyonce and Jay reconcile and get back together in 2038.

After years of success in acting Beyonce decides, at the age of 68, that it's time to get back into music. She's gonna show these young bitches who the real queen is. So Matthew Knowles Jr. (her new manager and long-lost half-brother) gets her a gig performing at the Super Bowl Halftime show with singing sensation Chris Brown Jr.

A lot is riding on this performance. Most of her old competition have found it hard to maintain success. Rihanna is now a judge on American Idol. Ciara is a background dancer for Baby Daniel's world tour. And Britney Spears is still performing, but her managers have found that instead of making her perform on stage it's a lot easier to put a blond wig on a laptop computer and play her music on iTunes for 2 hours. It has the same of effect of an actual Britney Spears performance and her fans, unsurprisingly, are willing to pay $300 to stare at laptop with a blond wig for 2 hours.

The music industry has changed in the 40 years since Beyonce was the "hottest chick in the game" , This is Beyonce's chance to prove that after 50 years in the game she is still relevant. So Super Bowl Sunday comes. She takes the stage during halftime, and at the end her performance, Chris Brown Jr. rips off Beyonce's House of Dereon zebra-skin jumpsuit exposing her naked 68-year-old body to the world.

TITTIES!

ASS!

You can see her public hairs.
(Bernie Mac ©1998)

~~White~~ America is OUTRAGED. Television stations are fined millions of dollars. Beyonce's 39 Grammys, her Oscars, her Tony, her Emmy, and her Olympic Gymnastics gold medal (long story), are all taken away. Within a matter of seconds Beyonce goes from worldwide icon to worldwide joke. Her next 5 albums flop. She can no longer fill arenas and has to cancel a tour of church bingo halls and riverboat casinos due to low ticket sales. It seems as though within a matter of seconds, 40 years of hard work is flushed down the toilet.

(sigh)

It's not easy being an icon in the music industry.

There's always a conflict between the artist you are and the artist you used to be.

People agree that you are an icon, but no one wants to buy your new music.

It's too pop for your R&B fans

Too urban for your pop fans

It's too young.

Too old.

Too big.

Too wide.

It won't fit.

You're trying too hard.

You're not trying hard enough.

You don't sing the same.

You've lost your voice.

You don't dance the same.

Your new music doesn't come close to living up to any of your "classic" material.

You are trying to remain relevant in 2009, but to do so you have to constantly remind people of shit you did 20 years ago.

You are competing with artists who weren't even alive when you were in your prime.

You have to attract a new generation of listeners without neglecting the fans who made you famous.

You fight hard to avoid the painful realization that your milkshake just doesn't bring them to the yard like it used to.

You're trying to avoid the fact that the party may be over.

In the music industry it's hard enough to remain relevant for 2 years, let alone 20 years, but the only thing worse than a diva past her prime is a diva who doesn't know she's past her prime.

And the only thing worse than a diva who doesn't know she past her prime are fans who won't accept the fact that their favorite diva is past her prime.

Of course no one around you is going to tell you that you suck, that your voice is gone, that your dance moves are slower, that you've gained weight, or your new music sucks ass, especially if there is still money to be made off of you.

So how do you know when it's time to pack it up?

Fame is a cruel, evil, unfaithful whore. You're are only an exposed nipple, a shaved head, or a cocaine habit away for losing a lifetime's worth of hard work. You can wake up tomorrow and realize that you've been replaced by artists half your age, with half your talent.

When most "legends" release new material or mount a new tour they say it's because they love what they do.

But that's bullshit.

The REAL reason legends stage comebacks is to show the young girls who the original divas were.

Sometimes it works. And Sometimes it doesn't.

But that's the risk you take when you jeopardize your status as an icon trying to do what the young girls do.

As Beyonce continues her quest for legend status I'm sure she is learning from the successes and mistakes of the artists she admires and is learning how to age gracefully both as a person and artist. She's managed to squeeze in a lifetime's worth of iconic accomplishments and performances within a span of 6 years, but I still think her best work is yet to come.

Beyonce's idol, Tina Turner seems to have the right idea about aging with class. Last year she went on Oprah and said, "Look bitch. I'm going on tour. I don't want to work Pharrell, I don't need a new album, I don't want to go on 106 and Park, I don't want to work with the Dream, and I don't need a hook for this shit. I'm going on tour. I'm charging $150 a ticket, and you motherfuckers better be there."

And she sold out every tour date and got great reviews with her dignity, reputation,(and her clothes) still in tact. She was aware of her age yet aware that she was still a great performer who was still relevant.

I guess she realized that at a certain point in your life and musical career no producer, no video, or marketing gimmick is going to make you 27 again, and sometimes the best you can do is focus on the people who appreciate you rather than degrade yourself by trying to appeal to youngsters who are going to think that you are old and played out anyway.

Maybe we should be a little more respectful of our musical veterans and icons because they are the ones who influenced our favorite artists. And it must be hard to wake up one day to see a totally different industry than the one you came up in. It must be even more difficult to try to figure out how you can fit into this new industry, or if you can even fit in at all.

In Case You Missed It...

2009-01-23T17:08:00.000-05:00

The magic starts at 2:20.

History

2009-01-20T21:32:00.001-05:00

Woman to Woman

2008-12-03T04:18:00.025-05:00

Tina Knowles: Hello. May I speak to Ciara?

Ciara: This is Ciara. Who is this?

Tina Knowles: Ciara this is Tina. You might not know who I am, but I'm the mother of the reason why your album isn't coming out.

Ciara: EXCUSE ME?

Tina Knowles: No need to excuse yourself sweetheart, we keepin' it nice and greasy up in this bitch...this is just straight girl talk. Woman-to-woman.

Ciara: Ok...

Tina Knowles: The reason I'm calling is because I'm throwing a party for Beyonce. It's to celebrate the success of her new album, and her new singles, the good reviews she getting for Cadillac Records, her other new movie, her upcoming world tour, the Spanish re-releases, the video anthology, and her new line of bedazzled tampons coming in 2009, and the fact that she's better than everybody at everything including but not limited to singing, dancing, acting, and kickboxing. I'm calling it the "She's The Shit" Party.

Ciara: I see...

Tina Knowles: I was calling to see if you would like to attend the party and I also wanted to try to get some ideas for the party. What kind of party did you throw for yourself when you were the shit?

Ciara: Um... Gee... I don't know.

Tina Knowles: Have you EVER been the shit?

Ciara: Ummm...probably...

Tina Knowles: When was your last hit single?

Ciara: Umm.. probably "Promise".

Tina Knowles:GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL! That is my JAM! I like to sip some of that Grey Goose, put that song on, and slow wind! Fuck what you heard...Miss Tina can still make it roll like some 24s honey...but no... I meant on the Hot 100. Y'all don't count "Deja Vu" as a hit and it went #1 on the R&B charts. I'm not counting "Promise"... I meant on the Hot 100.

Ciara: Probably "Goodies"...

Tina Knowles: "Goodies"? How long ago was that?

Ciara: 2004. That was a long time ago. Gas was cheap. The economy was good. And Usher was unmarried and relevant.

Tina Knowles: Oh... How did you celebrate that?

Ciara: I was dating Bow Wow at the time so he took me to Dave and Busters and then we went home and permed each other's hair.

Tina Knowles: Oh. The reason I asked was because I've been lurking around the internet and at seems that your stans are under the impression that you are the shit. They keep going on message boards, and YouTube, and iTunes, being generally ignorant towards my daughter.

Ciara: Well Miss Tina, I have no control over what my fans say. And for your information Beyonce had nothing to do with my album getting pushed back. I'm a very creative artist and I need more time to come up with cutting-edge concepts.

Tina Knowles: Oh yea? Here's a cutting-edge concept for you... HOW ABOUT YOU COME UP WITH AN ALBUM RELEASE DATE YOU HO!

(HANGS UP ON CIARA)

(CALLS BACK 30 SECONDS LATER)

Tina Knowles: I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm cranky cause my sugar is low, but Plies is about to pick me up and take me to the Olive Garden. Miss Tina is about to have UNLIMITED Salad AND Breadsticks up in this bitch! I'm a big fan of yours and I don't think you're a ho. I thought those pictures you took earlier this year were very classy... I wish I could toot my thang up on the cover of VIBE spread my cheeks, and show all 3 of my holes like you did...

Ciara: Ummm...thanks Miss Tina.

Tina Knowles: Are you coming to the party?

Ciara: Yea I'll be there.

Tina Knowles: Alright, take care yourself, my little sweetpea.

(Hangs up, dials another number)

Tina Knowles: Yes, may I speak to Miss Christina Aguilera?

Christina Aguilera: This is she. Who is this?

Tina Knowles: Hello, I'm a relevant career and image, I heard you've been looking for me...

Christina: Excuse me?

Tina Knowles: I'm just playing. What's hannin' Xtina... This is Tina Ann Knowles. What are you doing?

Christina: Oh, just breastfeeding the baby.

Tina Knowles: Is it safe to breastfeed with implants?

Christina: Oh, yea, it's totally safe.

Tina Knowles: Oh, I wouldn't know nothin about that honey, I got 100% Organic All-Natural Titty Meat over here. No Growth Hormones or nothin... and I still bring all the boys to the yard. But anyway...the reason why I'm calling you is because I wanted to invite you to a party I'm throwing a party for Beyonce. It's called the "She's the Shit Party" on account of her being the shit and what not... have you ever been the shit?

Christina: Well it's funny that you ask. When I first came out I was the shit runner-up behind Britney. Then tried to be edgy sex kitten and still ended up 3rd behind Britney and Beyonce. Now there's Beyonce, Britney, Rihanna, so I'm like 4th, and that's only if you take Pink and Mariah out of the equation. And if Kelly Clarkson releases and album, I might as well just stay home.

Tina Knowles: Oh. True... Are your fans aware of this? I've been lurking on the internet and some of them have been talking real greasy about the fruit of my loins, the light of life, and the writer of my checks. They've been all up on the Youtube, iTunes, Amazon, MTV.com, BET.com, AnimalPlanet.com, the NAACP's website, any place with a message board talking trash about Beyonce, saying Beyonce is this and that. Back where I come from if you talked about somebody's child that was a first-class ticket to a parking lot beatdown.

Christina: Well I am the voice of my generation...

Tina Knowles: Says who?

Christina: Well Rolling Stone magazine named me one of the best singer EVER. And I am a very pure artist who isn't afraid to try to things and take risks... and I'm like really deep... and I growl, and I name-checked Etta James way before Beyonce, and I scream and wave my hands around when I sing so I that means I have soul, and I'm the voice of my gener---,(sigh) can I be real for one minute?

Tina Knowles: Sure.

Christina: The reason I've pushed my album to next summer is because I saw the "Single Ladies" video and almost gave up on life. The truth is every night I put on the Beyonce Experience DVD and cry myself to sleep, so I need the stan support. Yes Beyonce is better than all of us at everything including, but not limited to singing, dancing, acting, martial arts, and rollerskating, but our delusional stans keep us going. They keep me us motivated. They buy our records. They pay for our titties. If it weren't for their delusions in thinking they we are actually better than Beyonce, then would be the point in having a career?

Tina Knowles: I understand...are you coming to the party?

Christina: Yea I'll be there.

Tina Knowles: Alright, take care yourself, my little Cajun hot wing.

(Hangs up, calls another number)

Tina Knowles: Hello, may I speak to Miss Britney Spears please?

Britney: Who is this?

Tina Knowles: IT'S TINA BITCH!

Britney: Oh, hi, Miss Tina how are you.

Tina Knowles: I'm fine, Chillin'. How's the new album?

Britney: I have a new album?

Tina Knowles: Yea... comes out this week. Britney. Can I axe you a question... woman to woman?

Britney: Sure.

Tina Knowles: WHAT THE FUCK WERE DOING ON MY TV SCREEN YESTERDAY? I started to reach through the TV and slap you to sleep but from the looks of it you were already sleep. What the fuck and/or hell were you doing?

Britney: I performed yesterday? I don't remember that.

Tina Knowles: It was to promote your new album. Why haven't you been performing at all the award shows like Beyonce?

Britney: Well my management said it would be best if I stay off the stage as much as possible, especially any stage with Sasha Fierce.

Tina Knowles: But you have a tour coming up.

Britney: Well, the theory is that anyone who will pay money to go to my concers has a lowered expectation of what a live performance is. And I can get away with a lot of things on stage in my own concerts that I couldn't get away on awards shows or any stage that Beyonce has performed on...so it's best that I save what little energy I have for my tour. If I fuck up on an awards show then I get laughed at. If I fuck up at my concerts I get paid. Even if I pass out on stage in a pool of my own vomit I still get a million a show.

Tina Knowles: True... Listen. I was just up on the Wikipedia vandazling Rihanna's page and inflating Beyonce's record sales, and I found that you have set quite a few records on the albums charts.

Britney: Really?

Tina Knowles: Yea. 4 Straight #1s. You even sold a Milli the first week. The highest first week sales of any chick in history. You was a bad mothafucka on the albums charts. I'm throwing Beyonce a "She's the Shit" party and I was wondering what kinda party did you throw back when you were the shit?

(Silence)

Tina Knowles: Umm... Hello?

Britney: I really don't remember that far back.

Tina Knowles: Really?

Britney: Yea, I've sniffed, snorted, and smoked anything that can fit into a pipe. I've lost brain cells all throughout Las Vegas.

Tina Knowles: Oh... You poor baby. Kevin must have put that thunder and lightning on yo' ass. Look, me and Beyonce and Solange and Frankie, Keyshia, and Neffie nem are going to a Mother-Daughter retreat to Las Vegas next week. You're more than welcome to come.

Britney: Mother-Daughter retreat?

Tina Knowles: Yea, that's white folk talk for Blackjack, margaritas, and big-dicked male skrippers. You tryna to roll with us? You can be my adopted daughter for the weekend, we can wear matching wigs.

Britney: Oh, that sounds like fun. I'm there.

Tina Knowles: Aiight, meet me at George Bush Airport. Bring your own spending money and liquor, I don't share.

Britney: Alright.

Tina Knowles: Alright, take care yourself, my little hamhock.

(Miss Tina hangs up, then dials another number)

Tina Knowles: Hello, may I speak to Miss Janet Jackson please?

Janet: Speaking.

Tina Knowles: Hey Janet. How's your migraines?

Janet: I'm feeling much better thank you for asking.

Tina Knowles: Where are you?

Janet: Umm just got back from Dubai with Jermaine. We had a good time. We rode camels in the desert.

Tina Knowles: Wow. 2 jackasses on a camel. Send me pictures. Listen I was throwing a party for Beyonce called the "She's the Shit Party" in celebration of her being the shit on a stick. I wanted to invite you and your pet weasel and I also wanted get some ideas. I wanted to know what kinda party did you throw for yourself back when you were the shit?

Janet: Wow... gee...

Tina Knowles: Do you remember that far back? Let me help you out. Don Cornelius was still hosting Soul Train. The Cosby Show was on NBC's Thursday nights at 8 followed by A Different World at 8:30...

Janet: Wow...ummm...

Tina Knowles: Jesse was still keeping hope alive...

Janet: Ummm...

Tina Knowles: The reason I was lurking on your fansites and noticed that your stans have been speaking a lot of garbage about my child. Do your stans know that there's a new sheriff in town?

Janet: No Ma'am.

Tina Knowles: Do your stans know that Beyonce runs ALL of this shit?

Janet: No Ma'am.

Tina Knowles: Do your stans know that hating doesn't increase your relevance or record sales?

Janet: No Ma'am.

Tina Knowles: Do your stans know that it's not 1993?

Janet: No Ma'am.

Tina Knowles: Do your stans know that the party is pretty much over?

Janet: No Ma'am.

Tina Knowles: Would you mind telling them that I don't appreciate the hate thrown on my child and that if they continue to hate then I will send them all a mean Creole computer virus, the likes of which Norton Anti-Virus has never seen.

Janet: I can't do that Miss Tina. I need all the stan support I can get. See I was a widely respected icon, then I fucked it up trying to do what the the fast girls do. I didn't trust that my talent alone would carry me through. So now I have to fight to get my crown back. Yes Beyonce is better than all of us at everything including, but not limited to singing, dancing, acting, and wind surfing, but we ALL need deluded stans and I'm one T-Pain collaboration away from a comeback. I can't give up now.

Tina: OK. Sorry for to go off, I just get real sensitive about my offspring.

Janet: I understand. Am I still invited to Vegas this week?

Tina: Girl, we pushed it back to next week, Beyonce has to carry Jay to the doctor. His hip gave out again.

Janet: Oh, ok.

Tina Knowles: Alright, take care yourself, my little pig foot.

(Miss Tina hangs up, and dials another number)

Tina Knowles: May I speak to Sandra Rose please?

Sandra Rose: Speaking.

Tina Knowles: Hi, Sandra. Did you get my check?

Sandra Rose: Yes, it just came in the mail.

Tina Knowles: Per our argreement, you get $2500 for everytime you mention Beyonce's name. And please step it up a little. You're slipping. We were trying to sell a million the first week. You need to step up the promotion. There was a time when you used to be creative. You remember that? I remember. You just didn't care how low you stooped. But now... I don't know Sandy Mae... you getting soft.

Sandra Rose: I'm trying Tina, honest I am, but it's hard to find ways to mention Beyonce's name everyday.

Tina Knowles: Oh... well here's what you do. Go to Crunk and Disoderly and lurk in the comment section. There can be a story posted that says "Family of 6 Killed in Tragic Car Accident" wait 5 minutes and see don't some bitch pop in the comments section saying "I bet they were listening to Beyonce before they crashed. I can't stand Beyonce!" It never fails. Those folks have such creative and innovative ways of bringing Beyonce's name into conversations that have absoulutely nothing to do with her. So go to the C+D comment section and get some ideas. Plus, I heard that's where that boy that runs Beyonceitis steals all his swag from.

Sandra Rose: Really?

Tina Knowles: Yea, that's what I heard. You gotta step your game up Sandra your site is very important to us and our promotion of Beyonce. Your site serves a demographic that is very important to us.

Sandra Rose: And what demographic is that?

Tina Knowles: Our studies have showed that your readers are mostly middle-aged women who have just learned how to use a computer. Also your site caters to women in their 20's and 30's who think $20 + a Citi Trendz gift card= A Luxury Shopping spree. Your readers are very important to us. Almost as important as people with actual style and taste.

Sandra Rose: Ummm...Thanks Tina... Hey I have a question?

Tina Knowles: Yea?

Sandra Rose: Do you think people know that my site is a satirical site, that I'm a spoof of Uncle Ruckus from the Boondocks, the self-hating black person who hates any postive or powerful people of Color.

Tina Knowles: I think people know... I mean, it's so obvious.

Sandra Rose: I know... I don't see how people don't know that my site is a satire. I mean... I look EXACTLY like Uncle Ruckus... and I post about Beyonce ALL the time. And I talk all the time about "REAL" black people yet all I do is degrade other black people. And there's nothing really original about my site. I mean any person with any common sense or logic would know that I'm joking. It's all satire. Do you think people know that I'm really a big Beyonce fan.

Tina Knowles: I think they know. They're just playing along with you.

Sandra Rose: Do you think people know that I love Beyonce's music?

Tina Knowles: I think they know.

Sandra Rose: Do you think people know that I would love to get Beyonce butt-ball naked on a leather couch, and take some strawberries, and...

Tina Knowles: Calm down Sandra. That's my child you're talking about. Don't make me double back-slap you.

Sandra Rose: Sorry.

Tina Knowles: It's ok. Alright, take care yourself, my little... um...well... I don't have a food pet name for you. I try not to think about you while I eat.

Sandra Rose: I understand.

Tina Knowles: Alright, take care yourself, my little... ummm..."stuff left over after they make hot dogs"...

(Tina hangs up and dials another number)

Tina Knowles: May I speak to Rihanna please?

Rihanna: Ello?

Tina Knowles: (disguised voice) Yea, this is the Free Clinic, and I'm sorry to have to tell you about this... but ALL of your tests came back positive.

Rihanna: NO!

Tina Knowles: Yep. You got the crabs.

Rihanna: NO!

Tina Knowles: Yep. And worms.

Rihanna: NO!

Tina Knowles: Yep. And you're pregnant.

Rihanna: NO!

Tina Knowles: Yep. And you got something called Ear Herpes which I have never even heard of until today...

Rihanna: NO!

Tina Knowles: Yep. So I'm going to need a list of all your sexual partners so they can be contacted.

Rihanna: Starting from when?

Tina Knowles: From birth until now.

Rihanna: Oh, well, let's see... Chris...

Tina Knowles: Brown?

Rihanna: Chris Brown, Chris Bridges, Chris Webber, Chris Angel, Kriss Kross...

Tina Knowles: Oh. Go on...

Rihanna: Kanye, Justin Timberlake

Tina Knowles: Say WORD?

Rihanna: Ray-J, The Dream, Kanye, Pharrell, The Dream

Tina Knowles: You already said The Dream.

Rihanna: It was twice.

Tina Knowles: (sigh) Listen sweetie. Lesson #1 in Fucking for Tracks. When fucking for tracks you are not obligated to fuck again once you receive the track. That's why it's called fucking for tracks. You fuck FOR the track. One you fuck and you get the track that's the end of that business transaction.

Rihanna: Really. Nobody told me...

Tina Knowles: It's ok... go on.

Rihanna: Ne-Yo.

Tina Knowles: Was he the top or the bottom?

Rihanna: What?

Tina Knowles: Nevermind. Go on.

Rihanna: Let's see. All of the New Jersey Nets. All of Day 26, Half of the original Danity Kane.

Tina Knowles: Back up... Umm... ALL of Day26?

Rihanna: Yep.

Tina Knowles: Q Too?

Rihanna: Yep.

Tina Knowles: I know good and hell well you didn't...ummm... I have a question, it's off the record and just betwixt us girls... I've had a thing for Willie for the longest...he could get in my Dereon thong right now without a lot of conversation, persuasion, or negotiaion. Tell me, what that thang look like?

Rihanna: Umm... I don't really remember. Once you've had one dick you've had them all.

Tina Knowles: Ain't that the truth... go on...

Rihanna: Umm...T.I., Lil Wayne... Jay-Z

Tina Knowles: WHAT!?! YOU GADDAMN LIE! MY SON-IN-LAW AIN'T NEVER TOUCHED YOU!

Rihanna: Is this Tina?

Tina Knowles: MISS TINA! And you a damn liar from the pits of Dereon Hell...my son in law ain't never laid a hand on you. He don't associate with loose women.

Rihanna: Well I know that's a lie cause he associates with Beyonce!

Tina Knowles: Your mouth just wrote a check that your narrow ass can't cash. Wait till I get off this phone! I'm riding by your house and going to the trunk of my car.

(Tina hangs up and dials another number)

Blockbuster Manager: Thank you for calling Blockbuster this is Tootie how may I help you?

Tina Knowles: Yes, is Ashanti working tonight?

Blockbuster Manager: Well I just came from out the backroom, and she wasn't there, maybe she's at her other job.

Tina Knowles: Oh. Ok.

(Hangs up. Dials another number)

Kelly Rowland: Thank you for calling Chilli's this is Kelly how may I help you?

Tina Knowles: Yea. Kelly, is Ashanti working the grill tonight?

Kelly Rowland: Yes, hold on. SHEQUOIYA! PHONE!

Ashanti: Hello.

Tina Knowles: Good evening Ashanti, sorry to disturb you at work and I know your Boost pay-as-you-go minute situation isn't really jumping off this month so I'm going to keep this brief. I was going through my internet records and I have found that your stans are one of the leading Beyonce haters on the internet, 2nd only behind Janet and Christina stans.

Ashanti: That's terrible.

Tina Knowles: Yea, you our studies have found that the less releavant an artist is the more their stans hate on Beyonce. The exception to this is Rihanna, because although she is very relevant at the moment her stans still contribute a substantial amount of Beyonce hate to the internet, but we'll see how relevant she is with a 50 year old woman's foot attached to her, cause when I see that trick I'm I'm breaking my Dereon zebra-skin stiletto heels off in her ass, right at the ankle.

Ashanti: Well, Tina I have no control over what my stans say or do, and although Beyonce is better than me at everything and makes it hard for all female entertainers and is part of the reason why I'm working in a food court, she is not the only reason why our careers have fallen off. Perhaps my stans and the stans of other less successful artists should be flooding record execs inboxes and voicemails instead of Beyonce message boards and YouTube videos because at the end of the day it's the record excecs who make the decision to stop promoting our albums or stop our albums from coming out at all. Yes Beyonce is better than all of us at everything, but sometimes our record labels shut us down before we even have a fair chance to compete with her.

Tina Knowles: You know what... you're right. You're alright with me Ashanti, I don't care what Solange says about you behind your back.

Ashanti: Wait, what did she...

Tina Knowles: Nevermind. Would you like to come to Beyonce's "I'm The Shit" Party?

AShanti: Sure, do you need me to bring anything.

Tina Knowles: Just some of them Chilli's baby back ribs, some ice, and your valet jacket in case we need you to park cars.

Ashanti: You mean I get to hang out with Beyonce?

Tina Knowles: Sure.

Ashanti: Oh BOY! Do you think she'll let me be in her 'Diva' video?

Tina Knowles: Hold on, let's call her on 3way.

(calls Beyonce)

Tina Knowles: Beyonce, can Ashanti be in your "Diva" video?

To Answer Any Questions That You May Have...

2008-11-13T07:57:00.001-05:00

Due to my "controversial" 86-page outburst yesterday, today's post is in video format. I hope it clears up any confusion you may have.